Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

- [snaps fingers] - Ho!

[snapping]

Olé!

[Carol] Wilbur, here's the--

All right, girls, at the sound of the bell,

I want you both to come out fighting.

I should have listened to my husband and come as a Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Kay, why didn't you tell me you were coming as Carmen?

Well, I've been trying to phone you since last night,

but your line's been busy.

That's funny.

I haven't used the phone.

I thought so.

Wilbur, you left the phone off the hook in the barn again.

- It must have been that horse. - What did you say?

I mean, he must have knocked it off accidentally.

I'll go and look. Excuse me.

Is Wilbur coming to the pageant?

No. Is Roger?

Well, I'm meeting with a little resistance.

As soon as I bring up the subject,

he locks himself in the bathroom.

No fun without Wilbur.

I wish I could think of some way to convince him to come along.

Well, there is a way, darling.

What?

Before I tell you,

one of us will have to resign from the Carmen club.

Well?

Olé!

[rapid chatting from phone]

Uh-oh.

You left the phone off the hook again.

So, I made a mistake.

I'm only human.

Why do you keep using that phone?

I get lonely here all by myself.

Well, Carol is blaming me,

and I'm getting tired of your negligence.

Ed, it is time you and I had a man-to-man talk.

Okay, take off the apron.

Well, I-- I was just helping Carol with the dishes.

- Wilbur. - Yes, Roger.

Now, don't let me interrupt your work.

I thought maybe you'd like to play golf Saturday.

Not a bad idea.

Now, the girls will be leaving for that parade about 12:00.

We can tell them how beautiful they look,

how sorry we are we can't join them,

and then laugh all the way to the golf course.

- What do you say? - Great.

See you later.

Hey, you know it's impossible to get you on the telephone?

Uh-oh.

Ed, if you use that phone once more,

I am pulling it out. You understand?

Yes, master.

You forgot your apron, honey.

Hey, what do you think? Is it beautiful?

It's gorgeous. Oh, darling, you'll make a beautiful Elaine.

Oh, thanks, but what good is Elaine without Sir Lancelot?

Here is the book.

Just do what I told you. Tell him he looks like Sir Lancelot.

But he doesn't.

Wilbur's too smart. You can't soft-soap him.

It'll work.

Maybe with your husband, but not with mine.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Carol.

- Here he comes now. - Okay.

- Oh, hi, Wilbur. - Hi, honey.

Look. Look at my new costume.

- Ooh, that's beautiful. - Hmm.

What's the matter?

Uncanny. What a resemblance.

- What-What? What? - Here, let me see your profile.

Oh, I wouldn't believe it. Carol, wait till you see.

It is simply the most marvelous thing

I've ever seen in all my life.

Well, here-- Let me see the other side.

Just as good from the other side.

Oh, it's just marvelous. Oh, dear--

Goodbye, Kay. Thank you very much.

[chattering]

Same face.

Bye, Kay.

It is the same face. It is, dear.

For heaven's sake.

What-- What's the resemblance?

Oh, it's silly.

What-wha-- What? What's silly?

Well, Kay says you look just like Sir Lancelot.

Hmm, what's so silly about that?

Hmm.

Same face. Don't you think?

Well, in that light there is a resemblance.

Hmm? I mean, if I had a spear in my hand,

there would be no doubt about it.

I'll be right back.

Giddy-up.

Here's your spear, honey.

Thank you.

Oh, that's no way to hand anybody a spear.

With a spear, the straw goes at that end.

Charge!

Well, that's wonderful, honey.

Now, would you show Harold Jensen how to hold a spear?

Harold Jensen?

You're going to let Harold Jensen be your knight at the pageant?

Oh, he doesn't look anything like me.

No, he doesn't, dear.

I mean, who ever heard of a pot-bellied Sir Lancelot?

Charge!

Addison, please listen to me.

I've got to find a Don José by tomorrow.

My dear, how about me?

Oh, you're not listening. I-- You?

Well, of course.

I'd make a beautiful toreador.

[speaks foreign language]

Aha! Aho! Ahee!

Oh, Addison, I would have never dreamed of asking you,

but you would be perfect.

Why, naturally.

I have the figure, the bearing, the courage,

and... look at these legs.

Imagine these two beauties in silk stockings?

Oh, Addison. Thank you so much.

My dear, think nothing of it

because I won't be there.

Addison, that was a dirty trick, leading me on.

My dear, you're going to have to find another Don José

because this bullfighter is going to play golf Saturday.

Very well.

I won't go to the pageant.

Suit yourself, my dear.

I'm going to go on the biggest shopping spree

you ever saw.

Where do I go for my Don José costume?

- Hello, Ed. - Hmm.

What's new?

Don't know.

I missed the morning newscast.

I've tried to catch up with you, Wilbur.

Hello, Roger.

What are you limping for?

I was practicing putting in my back yard

for our game tomorrow,

and I twisted my ankle.

Oh, that's a shame.

I was looking forward to beating you, too.

Sorry, old man.

- Hello, Roger. - Hello, Carol.

Honey, your costume will be ready in about 30 minutes.

Oh... good.

Costume?

- Didn't he tell you? - No.

He's going to be Sir Lancelot in the pageant.

Him? Sir Lancelot?

Oh, boy.

What's so funny? Kay is waiting for you to try on your costume.

His costume?

- Didn't he tell you? - No.

Well, he's coming as Don José the bullfighter.

Aw...

- Oh, I forgot something. - Don José the bullfighter.

Hey, that's cute.

How did you get roped into it?

Kay hit me in my weak spot, my money belt.

How about you?

Just stupidity.

- See you later, Lancelot. - Bye, Don José.

Don José, Lancelot--

what fools these mortals be.

Ed, there are times when a man has to give in to his wife.

No wife of mine would make me parade five miles in a hot sun.

- Now-- - Wilbur.

Here's part of the outfit Mr. Ed's going to wear.

Oh, so Ed is going to march in the parade, too, huh?

Well, Elaine and Sir Lancelot need a horse,

so I figured we might as well use Mr. Ed.

Good idea.

I mean, after all, why should we walk five miles in a hot sun

when we can ride on the back of good ol' Ed.

Look, aren't these pretty-- bells and tassels and plumes?

Yeah. You know, we could tie a great, big red bow on his tail.

[no sound]

Carol, I want to talk to you.

I tried to get you on the phone,

but your line was busy.

- Look. - Wilbur.

That does it.

- I warned you. - What?

Hmm? Uh, why, I warned you.

I did. I warned her that if I did this once more,

I would take the phone out, and I'm going to.

Hello, Operator?

I would like to have an extension phone removed, please.

The name is Wilbur Post.

The address is 17340 Valley Boulevard.

[snivels]

Charge!

Hey! What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I was just practicing with my spear.

That's nice, sonny.

Now, will you tell your mother

the telephone man is here to take out the phone?

[Wilbur] Hmm? Hmm?

[no sound]

Look, I'm Mr. Post, the owner.

The phone is in the barn.

Oh.

Right over there.

Thank you.

Why are we whispering?

I don't want him to know the phone is coming out.

You don't?

Who?

The horse.

The horse?

He doesn't want the phone to come out.

The horse doesn't?

That's right.

Look, sonny, will you play with your spear

and let me get the phone out?

Leave that phone alone.

- Blow, stupid. - Who's that?

Where are you?

On the roof.

You want the phone in or out?

In. Go home.

What are you doing, playing games with me?

Playing games?

Yeah, first you tell me to leave the phone in,

then you tell me to pull it out?

Make up your mind, will you?

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

There's been a misunderstanding.

You can take the phone out.

Oh, I must have done something real bad when I was a kid.

Ed, that phone is going out.

If it does, I don't walk in the parade.

Is that supposed to be a threat?

You can ride on a big dog, for all I care.

You are going to be in that parade.

You'll have to carry me.

Oh, Carol, you look lovely.

Oh, thank you.

- So do you. - Thank you.

Where's Roger?

Why, he's right--

Well, Addison, come on in.

Kay, if I didn't go,

how much shopping would you do?

Six hours and four credit cards.

Olé.

This is the last time I buy a suit off the rack.

At last they are putting men up in cans.

Wilbur, all we can do is pray for rain.

Please, this suit is not guaranteed against rust.

We're all ready. You better get Mr. Ed dressed.

Okay.

[grunts]

My Lancelot.

Uh-oh, here he comes.

I'm going to teach that phone-puller a lesson.

Come on, Ed. It's time for the parade.

It's growing dark.

Where is everybody?

Come on, Ed. They're waiting.

I've got to get you dressed.

Is that you, mother?

[moans]

Get up, and stop horsing around.

I hear voices but not on the phone.

Ed, for the last time--

Please, you're yelling at a sick horse.

Wilbur, I brought some extra belt--

What's wrong with Mr. Ed?

He is perfectly all right.

[Mister Ed coughs]

But, Wilbur, he's coughing.

Maybe I better call a vet.

There is nothing wrong with him.

[coughs]

Then why is he coughing?

He's faking, Carol. Believe me.

Oh, honey, I know you're thinking of me,

but we can't go off and leave Mr. Ed

when he's sick like that.

There will be other pageants. Let's forget about it.

I'll go call the vet.

No. Carol, please.

Oh, that was a dirty trick.

Are you going to let her miss that parade?

Is that you, mother?

Mother?

Oh, brother.

Kay, I absolutely refuse to wear this ridiculous ponytail.

Darling, all bullfighters wear that funny little hairpiece.

Some of them also get gored,

but we've got to stop someplace.

[Carol] Kay...

I have bad news. Mr. Ed is sick.

Oh, the poor thing.

We can't leave him alone,

so you two better go on without us.

Carol, you're not missing the pageant.

I'm afraid so.

Well, well, how do you feel today, old fellow?

[coughs]

[groans weakly]

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't look bad at all.

Nice color.

Lymph nodes feel all right.

I still say he's faking.

Oh, you can't be too sure of that, Mr. Post.

After all, the poor thing can't talk, you know.

But--

Is he all right, doctor?

Heart feels fine, sounds very good.

I think all this fellow needs is a good shot of vitamins.

Now, don't be afraid, old fellow.

Dr. Connors isn't going to hurt you.

This won't hurt one bit, now.

I told you he was all right.

Come on, honey. Better tell the Addisons.

Doctor, do you think he's all right to leave for a few hours?

Oh, he seems fine.

- Well, if you're sure. - Come on, honey.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Wilbur.

Really?

Wonderful.

Oh, Addison, the horse is all right,

and we're going to the pageant.

Olé.

Poor Mr. Ed.

Oh, come on, don't worry.

Dr. Connors knows what he's doing.

Mr. Post! Mr. Post!

Mr. Post.

What? What happened?

Your horse pushed me down.

I think he wanted to sit on me.

Wilbur, I just knew there was something wrong with Mr. Ed.

But he showed no symptoms at all.

He must be psychologically disturbed.

Doctor, do you know of any horse-sitting services?

Honey, that's a wonderful idea.

Doctor, would you mind staying with Mr. Ed till we get back?

Well, I could be back, but it would cost you so much.

It will be worth it.

Honey, I know how much this pageant means to you.

Yes, but we still need a horse.

I'll rent one from the Brunswick Stables.

They're right down the road.

You call the Addisons. I'll be right back.

- Come on, Doctor. - Yes.

So they got someone else.

Well, I'll fix him.

Oh, Carol, hold still, will you?

- You're wriggling like a fish. - [doorbell rings]

- My goodness. - Would you please get that?

I can't get the pin in. Wait a minute, will you?

[Carol] Let me know if I hit your braid.

I'm Dr. Connors.

How do you do, doctor? Come in.

[Carol] Hello, doctor.

Sorry I couldn't get here any sooner.

Oh, we really appreciate you coming back.

That's perfectly all right.

Excuse me, I'll call my husband.

Wilbur. Dr. Connors is here.

Coming, honey.

Giddy-up, Josephine.

Honey, look.

[objects crash and shatter]

Now we can't go.

What's the use? I better tell the Addisons.

Don't call us. We'll call you.

Come, Carmen.

Well, I'll tell Dr. Connors we don't need him anymore.

[Mister Ed whinnies]

Mr. Ed, how do you feel, huh?

Aw, you've had a rough day, haven't you?

I know what's the matter with you.

You were lonesome, weren't you?

Aw, you're a good horse.

[Wilbur] Honey.

I didn't know you liked Ed that much.

Well, I feel sorry for him.

I'll bet if he knew how happy it would make you,

he would want to go to the pageant.

Well, I just wonder if he's well enough.

Look.

He's his old self again.

He is.

- Tell the Addisons. - All right.

- You tell them. - Okay.

Let's tell them together.

- Good morning, Ed. - Morning.

I've been thinking, Ed.

That was a real nice gesture,

going to the pageant yesterday.

Yeah, it sure was.

You know, if you promise to behave,

I'll put the phone back in the barn. Okay?

You've got my word.

Okay, I'll go in the house and call the company.

Wilbur.

Use the phone in the office.

Oh, okay.

Hey, who phoned the company to put this back?

Ed.

It's growing dark.

Where is everybody?

Is that you, mother?

Muh--

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.