Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello.

I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ [theme]

- Hello, Mrs. Post. - Hello, Henry.

- Mind signing this, please? - Thank you.

There you are. Thank you.

Oh, would you please put the hay in the back?

- [Kay] Hello, Carol. - That horse.

Oh, hi, Kay.

Say, would you like some coffee and cake?

No, sweetie. I just started a new diet,

and I'll have to cut down on some things.

So, uh, just make it cake.

You know, when I'm on a diet, I eat like a horse.

Not as much as our horse.

Do you know that's the fourth load of hay this week for Mr. Ed?

Your horse has it pretty soft.

He doesn't work, he takes naps all day,

- and he never stops eating. - [chuckles]

And I thought being a wife was the best racket.

Well, love and learn.

Honey, I'm on a diet, not a hunger strike.

Carol! Carol-- Oh, hi.

- Hi, Kay. - Hi, Wilbur.

Did I get a call from Fred Briggs while I was gone?

No, honey.

That's funny. He said he'd call.

- The plans for his beach house are ready. - Fred Briggs.

Isn't he the man who directs all those Western movies?

That's right. When you meet him,

you don't know whether to shake hands or draw.

Honey, I noticed a truckload of hay outside.

Did you order that?

Me? I thought you did.

No, I didn't order it.

Then the horse must have ordered it.

You know, I wouldn't put it past Ed.

I mean, I did order it. I forgot.

Excuse me.

Carol, I read that Fred Briggs is starting another picture.

Maybe you can get him to hire Mr. Ed.

Hire Mr. Ed?

That's a wonderful idea.

That way your horse can earn his keep.

Can he do any tricks?

Well, he has two specialties:

eating and sleeping.

You phoned the feed store again, didn't you, Ed?

I thought I told you that I was the one to give the orders around here.

That's the fourth load of hay we had delivered this week.

Well, I'm hungry.

How come other horses don't eat as much as you do?

'Cause they can't phone the feed store.

I'm not trying to starve you.

I would just like to know what is going on around here.

Oh, please, Wilbur.

Do I yell when you eat?

Wilbur, Kay just had the most marvelous idea.

When Mr. Briggs comes over,

why don't you ask him if he'll hire Mr. Ed for his new Western?

Gee, honey, I don't know.

But we have nothing to lose.

Honey, at least that way he'll be helping to pay his own way.

All that hay he eats is costing us a fortune.

I don't know, honey.

Mr. Briggs is coming over to take a look at these plans

for his new beach house.

It doesn't seem ethical to ask him

for a personal favor.

Well, think about it, Wilbur, huh?

- Hello, neighbor. - Hi, Roger.

What do you think?

- The Briggs beach house? - Yeah.

Oh, boy. Fine. Yeah, great.

Hey, that's quite a racket you got there, you know that?

Build a man a house and rent him a horse at the same time.

Oh, that? Oh, no, no.

I told Carol to forget about Kay's idea.

Kay's idea?

Don't tell me my dear little wife

has been interfering in your life again.

Take it easy, Roger. She meant well.

The road to Reno is paved with good intentions.

It's time that wife of mine learned--

Don't start any arguments with Kay on my account.

I told Carol that I am not sending Ed to work,

and that is that.

- Honey? - Hello, Fred.

Hi, Wilbur.

Fred, this is my neighbor, Roger Addison.

- This is Fred Briggs. - How do you do?

Honey, guess what.

Mr. Briggs said he'd use Mr. Ed in his new movie.

I'm afraid my horse will not be available for your picture, Fred.

Okay. Anything you say.

Now about these plans--

Wilbur, I think I'll run along.

Mr. Briggs, nice to meet you.

Yes. My pleasure.

And I'll see you folks tonight for bridge?

My wife needs a few tips first.

She needs some instructions on how to be a dummy.

- Bye, Roger. - Bye.

Say, I like what you've done with the rumpus room.

- Thanks. But my idea carried further along-- - Mm-hmm.

Please get us some coffee, Carol.

Yes.

And a carload of hay for Mr. Ed.

As I was saying about the rumpus room...

Wilbur, will you stop harping on Kay?

I think her idea was very good about putting Mr. Ed to work.

Now please open that bridge table.

The Addisons will be here any minute.

You know, the next time we agree on something,

I wish you would stick to it.

I thought I was doing you a favor.

Well, you weren't.

Honey, I still say there's nothing wrong

in Mr. Ed paying his way.

Fine. Ed makes a few dollars

and Briggs knocks a few hundred off the price of my plans.

You're just being stubborn.

I don't think so.

Before we were married, you agreed

that I would make all the decisions

about money in this family.

All right, from now on you can.

Fine.

Would you put that in writing?

No.

I knew you didn't mean it.

Wilbur, you're just being impossible tonight.

You started it.

You're always listening to Kay.

Ooh!

You and your arguments.

This is all your fault.

I didn't know what I was doing, and you made me do it.

I'm blamed for everything around here.

[doorbell chimes]

Look, now,

let's try to be civil while the Addisons are here.

Let's not show them how happy we are.

Yes, dear.

Now, Kay, I want you to promise me

that you won't interfere in their lives again.

I did not interfere.

Why do you have to make the whole world miserable?

I'm married to you. Let's keep it in the family.

Boy, are you stuffy.

- Oh, hello, Carol. - Hi. Come on in.

Come, darling.

Hello, Kay.

Hello, Wilbur. Bridge, bridge, bridge.

- You look beautiful. - Well, thank you.

Roger. Well, what would you like?

What would I like? The usual.

What would you like, sweetheart?

Nothing for me, darling.

Nothing for me, either, sweetheart.

Wilbur, why are you limping?

Oh, it's not easy to open a bridge table.

Is it, honey?

No, sweetheart.

Addison, one leg is a little crooked.

I knew that when I married you.

Nut.

What did you say, dear?

Have a nut?

No, thank you, sweetheart.

I'll fix the table, Kay.

[women chattering]

- Roger? - Thank you.

Magazines ought to balance it.

- There we are. - Pardon me.

Oh, Roger,

why don't you sit here facing your wife,

and I'll sit here facing my wife?

There we are.

Cut for deal?

Darling, the table is still wobbly.

Addison, will you fix it?

Your wish is my command, dear heart.

- Shall we cut? - Yes.

Thank you.

Look what you've done,

you clumsy...

doll.

It was an accident, sweetheart.

Don't blame him, Kay.

I told Wilbur the table was still wobbly.

Oh, I'd better change.

Maybe we could play some other night.

Yes, perhaps tomorrow night.

Darling, be careful.

I don't want you to catch cold outside.

You spilled that drink on purpose, you lummox!

What a stupid remark to make.

Are you calling me stupid?

You called me a nut in there, and I warn you--

You'd better put on my coat, darling.

Kay, you forgot your bag.

Oh. Thank you, Wilbur.

Well, good night again.

- Good night. - Good night, Wilbur.

Good night, Roger.

[sighs]

I hope you're satisfied.

You ruined my whole evening.

If it weren't for that darn horse,

we wouldn't even be arguing.

Honey, what's happening to us?

What are we arguing about?

Don't you know that I love you?

Don't you know that I love you?

Then what are we arguing about?

A silly thing like putting Mr. Ed to work.

[chuckles] That's silly.

He doesn't have to work.

And give me one good reason why he shouldn't.

Because I make enough money

to support a wife and a horse.

When we got married, it should have been a three-ring ceremony.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

A horse wearing a ring.

Hello. Information?

I'd like the number of Fred Briggs in Beverly Hills.

Whatever happened to "Good morning"?

Oh. Carol and I had a few words again last night.

[telephone rings]

- Well... - Excuse me, Ed.

Hello.

Wilbur, my secretary just gave me your message.

We'll pick up your horse tomorrow morning at 6.

My horse?

But...listen, Fred--

No, don't bother to thank me, Wilbur.

It was a pleasure.

I must get back on the set. Good-bye.

That was Fred Briggs.

Carol went behind my back again.

She didn't call.

I called.

You?

That's right.

But I thought you didn't want to go to work.

Changed my mind.

You're just trying to keep peace in the family, aren't you?

Please, don't slobber over me.

I'm going to tell Carol.

Honey.

Honey, I've decided to send Ed to work.

Oh, Wilbur!

You're such a wonderful husband!

Hey. Honey.

Don't talk. Just kiss me.

I will if you'll stop sponging me.

Uhh!

Now I know how Kay felt

when Roger spilled the drink on her.

I feel so terrible about that.

Here we've made up, and they're still not talking

all on account of us.

Maybe we should go and try to get them together.

Oh, let's! Honey, you're so thoughtful.

No!

Lucky for me we didn't make up while you were slicing bread.

Is this the only dirty spot in the house-- under my legs?

Don't talk to me.

Ah...Ah...Ah...

Ah-choo!

Do you intend to strike me?

I sneezed.

You could've said "Gesundheit."

But you just gave me specific instructions not to talk to you.

Still, you could be civil.

When one of us sneezes,

the other should say "Gesundheit."

Forgive me, my dear.

I've forgotten the rules of war.

In the nine years we've been married, I--

19 years.

I don't count the ten years we weren't speaking.

Now, paper, please.

[sneezes]

Well, I see the rules have just been amended.

[doorbell chimes]

Aren't you going to answer the door?

Not until you gesundheit me.

Good morning.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

Hi, Carol. Hello, Wilbur.

Hello, Kay.

Hi, Roger.

Have you made up yet?

Nice to see a friendly face around here.

Well, we just dropped by to tell you Ed's going to work.

- Well. - He starts that picture tomorrow.

- Good. - What made you change your mind?

I didn't want Carol to be unhappy.

We just feel awful when we're not talking.

Gesundheit, my dear.

And gesundheit to you, doll.

All right, this is a run-through, everybody.

Get set, Brannigan.

Uh-oh.

Ready, Charles?

All right. Roll 'em.

Roll 'em!

Okay...action.

Okay, action.

[gunshots]

Well, where's the horse?

Hmm.

Get that horse back where he belongs.

Right away, Mr. Briggs.

All right, let's try it again.

Okay. Ready, Brannigan?

- Ready! - Charles?

- All right, roll 'em. - Roll 'em!

- Okay, action. - Action.

[gunshots]

Cut! Cut! Cut! What's with that horse?

Maybe those gunshots are scaring him, Mr. Briggs.

Well, they could be. Bring him back.

- Yes, sir. - Brannigan...

don't fire your gun this time.

We can put in the shots later.

- That's very good thinking, Mr. Briggs. - Thank you.

Don't mention it, sir.

All right, let's go!

Charles?

- All right, roll 'em. - Roll 'em!

- Action. - Action.

Lunch, everybody.

Who told you to call lunch?

I didn't say anything, Mr. Briggs.

It must've been that same wise guy again.

All right, everybody. Take a five-minute break.

All right, everybody! Five minutes!

Five minutes, everybody!

Hi, Fred. How's my horse doing?

Well, we've had our share of trouble.

What's he doing over there?

I'll get him away.

Come on, Ed.

How's it going, Ed?

I'm quitting.

Get my unemployment insurance.

What's the matter?

They want me to carry

a 250-pound cowboy on my back.

I'll be bowlegged in two days.

Uh-oh. Here comes hot lips again.

Isn't this Daphne, the star of this picture?

Blow, honey. I'm not interested.

Well, Ed. easy.

She's worth a fortune.

When I marry...

it'll be for love, not money.

Oh. Is Daphne here with this horse again?

George, I thought I told you to get her ready.

I'm sorry, Mr. Briggs. Come on, Daphne.

Now, uh...

Fred, maybe Ed isn't cut out for movies.

- You want me to take him home? - I'm glad you asked me.

Frankly, I don't think your animal is too bright.

Now, he's a little bit nervous.

You see, this is his first time in front of a camera.

Incidentally, I have the revised sketches

- for the beach house whenever you have time. - Oh, good.

I'll drop around when I'm free.

Okay, everybody, let's go!

Lunch!

[Wilbur chuckles]

Here you are. Fresh coffee.

Thanks. Sweetie, how long will Mr. Ed be in that picture?

Mmm, about six weeks.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if he became famous?

Oh, I can see your horse now,

walking down Hollywood Boulevard,

wearing dark glasses, signing autographs.

Hmm. What an imagination.

[chuckles] Carol, honey, do you think

it would be possible for Wilbur to get us passes to watch him at the studio?

Why go to all that trouble? Just turn your head and look.

Wilbur, what's he doing home?

Honey, it just didn't work out.

Excuse me.

Well, why? What-- What happened?

Well, they were working him pretty hard,

and Ed was unhappy.

Unhappy?

If you ask me, you never wanted that horse

to go to work in the first place.

Uh, look, I never butt in, but I--

- Gesundheit, sweetheart. - I didn't sneeze.

You can do it in the house. Come on.

So, you went back on your word.

Honey.

[knock at door]

Come in.

- Oh. - Hello, Wilbur.

Fred. Come on in.

Thanks.

Sit down, Fred.

No. No, thank you.

What's the matter?

[sighs] I may have to cancel my plans

for the beach house.

Oh? Why? What happened?

It looks as though I may have to stop production on my picture.

Daphne suddenly got sick.

Sick? Oh, that's funny.

She seemed all right yesterday.

That's just it.

The vet can't seem to find anything wrong with her.

- She just mopes around. - [snorting]

Fred, I-- I have a hunch what might be wrong with Daphne.

You have? What?

I think she's got a crush on my horse.

Is that possible?

[chuckles] I mean with horses?

You heard about the birds and the bees.

Well, the horses are in on it, too.

Wait a minute.

Daphne was hanging around your horse all day yesterday.

Maybe you're right.

Can I get him back on the picture?

Well, uh... do I finish my plans?

Well, yeah. Sure. You got yourself a house.

You got yourself a horse.

[both chuckle]

Oh, may I use your phone?

Right behind you.

[muttering indistinctly]

Hello, Mabel. Is George around?

Yes, I'll wait.

Uh, Fred, there are a few little conditions

that you'll have to meet.

- You want more money? - No, no, no.

It's about that 6 a.m. schedule.

My horse likes to sleep late.

Okay. We'll make it 7.

- Better make it 8. - 8?

I mean 9.

Okay. 9.

And no heavy cowboys on Ed.

Maybe up to... oh, 110 pounds?

But no heavier.

About lunches-- he likes plenty of carrots.

Not the green part. Cut that off.

Wilbur, doesn't Mr. Ed look handsome standing there?

- He sure does. - [Fred] Okay, Charles.

Excuse me, honey.

All right. Places, everybody.

[Charles] Places, everybody!

Fred, did you make that little change

in the script the way we discussed?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, let's have a run-through.

[Charles] Run-through!

Places, everybody!

- Action. - Action.

[gunshot]

[gunshot]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ [theme]

[Announcer] This has been a Filmways Television presentation.