Original subtitles

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

So, what, I drank the whole bottle of Baileys.

- Whoa! - Welcome to the news!

MAN: Hmm, Pete, it's time for your close-up. Just kidding.

Um, my name's Johnny. I play guitar.

I'm Perry, and I, uh, play the guitar, and I sing.

Gary. Drums.

Pete. I'm drunk.

- Did you say, "I'm drunk"? - I'm drunk.

PERRY: We're supposed to be conducting an interview.

Does your band suck or is your band good?

- Suck, suck! - Well...

(CROWD CHEERS)

# Beer stains and cigarettes

# The party is in my pocket

# I'm looking for a drink

# And a couch to call my own

# Give me a bump and I will go off

# And whisper dirty lies

# The rapture in your ear

# And we'll both be terrified

# Blood-shot eyes and you're peppermint

# We can roll like dogs from the devil

# Give me one last try

# For your love tonight

# I'll be the king forever

# And you can be my sunshine

# We are the devil's kind

# We are the devil's kind

# We are the devil's kind

# And now I won't back down

# I said I won't back down

# Oh, I'm a devil's kind

(CROWD CHEERS)

# Get me into the water

# And pull me from the slaughter

# Because I've got the shakes

# And I'm so petrified

# Blood-shot eyes and you're peppermint

# We can roll like dogs from the devil

# Gimme one last try

# For your love tonight

# I'll be the king forever

# And you could be my sunshine

# We are the devil's kind

# We are the devil's kind

# We are the devil's kind

# And now I won't back down

# I said I won't back down

# Whoa, the devil's kind

(CROWD CHEERS)

Yeah.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Hey!

Wait, wait!

- Check it out. - PERRY: Excuse me.

- GARBAGE MAN: It's Miller time! - Excuse me.

- What's the matter with you, Miller? - I forgot to put my cans out again.

Like we never heard that before.

Come on. Help me out. It's my birthday.

- Ah, you know that can't happen, man. - Oh, come on!

- (STRUMS GUITAR) - Hey, Salome.

- Hey. - Hey, use a coaster.

How many times have I gotta tell you?

Why? It's not a big deal, Daddy. It's just juice.

It is a big deal. It'll leave a ring and Mom will go apeshit and blame me.

What's "apeshit" mean?

Oh, gimme my guitar.

# It's a word you shouldn't say

# It means gorilla poo

# And if you say it people think I'm a bad dad

- # So please don't say it... - OK, OK, Dad. OK.

All right.

See how easy that is?

You're crazy, Daddy.

(HAIRDRYER WHIRS)

Hey! Good morning, sexy.

- WOMAN: What? Sorry, what? - (HAIRDRYER TURNS OFF)

- I said hi. - WOMAN: Oh, hi, hon.

- Hey, are you up for a little quickie? - (CHUCKLES) Very funny.

I have to be in court in 20 minutes.

Well, all I need is five. OK, four.

Hey, I just wanna say I'm sorry in advance. It was an oversight.

- What's that supposed to mean? - I forgot to get the cans out again.

Oh, Perry! Come on! That's two weeks in a row!

I know. I'm sorry.

But I figured today is a special occasion, so I've earned a free pass.

Ah, what's the special occasion?

You know, special.

What?

- You know. - No. What?

You're joking, right?

Oh, Perry! Come on! You're slowing me down. I'm late.

(SNICKERS) Wow.

Hey! How you doing, man?

Oh, boy! Happy birthday!

Oh, man! Thanks.

I think Mommy forgot. Can you believe that?

All right, who wants breakfast?

SALOME: I want breakfast!

Right there.

All right, let's see what kind of trouble we can get into.

Salome, you want a cookie?

- Really? - Yeah. It's a special occasion.

What's the special occasion?

Your talent show tonight. Aren't you gonna rock the house?

- Yeah, I guess. - What do you mean, you guess?

- Say, "Hell, yeah, Daddy!" - Hell, yeah, Daddy!

- Boom! There you go. Are you nervous? - No.

It's OK if you are.

I'm not really nervous, but can I have another cookie?

- Of course. - Yes.

Can you do me a huge favor, babe, and come home at your lunch?

- Why is she having a cookie? - (MOUTH FULL) It's a special occasion.

Oh, what's the special occasion?

- It's my... - No, no, no. Don't say anything.

- Guess, Mom. - Mm-hm.

OK, wait. Let me see.

Could it be... your talent show?

- Mm-hm! - PERRY: Yes!

The talent show.

'Cause we celebrate important milestones in this house 'cause that's what we do.

OK. Do you want a waffle, Salome?

No, Dad's gonna fix me some apeshit.

- (CHUCKLES) - Did she just say "apeshit"?

I think she heard that at school.

Anyways, my parents are coming in today,

and I need you to come home on your lunch break and let them in.

The punisher is coming?

Yes, I told you that, and they're coming at noon.

Oh, which reminds me, will you go pick up Salome's new guitar?

She's gonna need it for the show tonight, OK, and please...

- Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. - ...don't lose it.

- I won't lose it. - Great. Gotta go. I'm late. Love you.

- I love you. - Mwah, mwah, mwah.

- Don't forget my parents. - I won't forget.

- Whoa, didn't you change his diaper? - I think I forgot.

I don't know how. He smells like a porta-potty. OK...

(STRUMS GUITAR)

(PLAYS CHORDS)

(PLAYS ROCK MUSIC)

(GUITAR MUSIC DROWNS SINGING)

(SHOUTS) Dad!

We're gonna be late.

Come on, Dad.

Hey, what do you think of your playhouse?

My playhouse? It's kinda boring.

Really? That sucks. It's supposed to be fun.

A little fun, I guess.

Oh, nah, it sucks. I'm a shitty carpenter.

I don't know what to sing tonight, Daddy.

- I know, but I haven't figured out. - You haven't decided?

- Right. - Well, what do you wanna sing?

I don't know. Maybe like the Dead Kennedys.

PERRY: Dead Kennedys?

That... that would be funny, but, uh, I don't know,

there's, like, a bunch of families and kids and stuff.

- SALOME: Oh, yeah. - PERRY: But sing whatever you want.

My band never decided till the last second.

Daddy... what do you do?

(CHUCKLES) What do I do? What does that mean?

Well, it's just because it's Career Day,

and we're supposed to talk about our parents' careers.

Well, I don't know, just say I'm in a band, or something.

But you're not in a band.

Yes, I am. We're just taking a temporary hiatus.

What's a temporary hiatus?

(CHUCKLES) It's a fancy way of saying we're taking a break.

Oh.

I don't know, why don't you just talk about Mom?

How she's a public defender, and all that important stuff.

OK.

You don't have to mention me. Come on.

Let's do it.

(BELL RINGS)

Get to school. Have fun.

Hey, Dean! Arrest that man.

Take him in for questioning.

I'm trying to get him to join Dads' Group but I don't think it's working.

- What's he being, a pussy? - A little bit.

Oh, come on. Don't be a pussy-pussy guy.

(CHUCKLES) OK.

Hey, we're just joking. We don't really think you're a pussy.

I don't even know how that got started.

That was me. I was just trying to be funny. I'm sorry.

You guys are pretty weird, man.

Dads' Group. We need somebody cool like you.

Honestly, if you think I'm cool, then your Dads' Group is kinda hurting.

(ALL LAUGH)

- We're just messing with you. - There he goes.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

OWNER: Hey, Perry.

Got it for you.

Salome's first guitar.

This is what my wife picked out?

Yeah. What do you think?

- Why is there a dinosaur on it? - (CHUCKLES) I don't know.

I think it's a decal. It probably comes off.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

It sounds all right, I guess.

Oh, can I tell you something? I have to tell somebody.

- What happened? - Hmm.

I'm dating this French chick. Ingrid is her name.

25. Oh, smokin' hot.

Anyway, she invites me to Paris for a dinner party.

I'm like, "Yeah, I like dinner."

So, we get there. Have you ever flown first class?

Uh, no.

The seats are like the size of my car,

which means two people... fft, fft, fft.

And that's your story? You had sex on a plane?

No. I mean, yes, but, no, that is not the story.

So, get to Paris.

Here's the dinner party table.

- Me, Ingrid, Mom, Dad, Paul McCartney. - Oh, come on!

Dude, I know. It's like...

I think her dad's like an ambassador, or something. Mmm...

- Come on. - Mm-hm.

Anyway, dinner's over. Parents go upstairs. She's passed out on the couch.

It's just me and Paul, hanging out, just shooting the shit,

and then he pulls out a guitar, and we start jammin'.

- What? - I sang Let It Be. I sang Yesterday.

- I sang Glass Onion. - You gotta be kidding me.

- Dude... - You're lying.

- No, I am not lying. - You liar.

I will show you. Paul gave me his number.

Macca!

That is what happens when you fly by the seat of your pants first class.

Boom!

So, how was your night?

My night? My night was awesome.

I watched House Hunters and went to bed.

- You watched what? House Hunters? - Oh, man, never mind.

(CHUCKLES) All right, man. You want that guitar? Should I wrap that up for you?

Yeah, how much is that one over there?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. That's a limited edition.

I'm not even sure I'd be willing to sell that.

I'll tell you what, though. I'll trade you for the L6.

- Pfft! Are you kidding me? - (CHUCKLES) Come on. It's a thought.

Dude, I've had that guitar my whole life.

It's like trading my wife and kids.

You know what? Just give me the dinosaur one.

- Yeah, I'll get you a strap. - It's fine.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE)

(SHOP BELL DINGS)

- Sorry, man. - There he is.

Perry Miller, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for joining us, Perry.

Only 30 minutes late. No big deal.

Can I get you anything? Any coffee?

How about a donut? You know what? Let me run out and get you a buttered bagel.

I had to pick up Salome's guitar.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

That's cool.

There's always something with you, man.

Must be nice to be you. Are you cool?

I'm great. Thanks for being early.

Terrific.

- PERRY: Hey? - Yeah?

You're a great brother.

(# Nothing Ever Happens by Pavement)

(LOCK CLICKS)

- Hey, man. - Hey, what's up?

We gotta talk.

OK. What's up?

I just had a guy come in

and say that you recommended ammonia for his marble countertops.

- Why would you do that? - (CASH REGISTER DINGS)

Maybe because I don't have anything that has marble in it?

OK, this is our business,

and we're supposed to be experts on every product in the store.

- That's how it works. - Experts?

- That's right. Experts. - Give me a break.

- I'm being serious. - Yeah, yeah.

Honestly, we have a real problem.

- (SIGHS) What? - We're gonna have to talk about it.

- What are we gonna do about this? - Do we have to do this right now?

Yeah, we have to do it right now. Please don't push me, OK?

And stop walking away when I'm talking to you.

- Hey, do you know today's my birthday? - Come on. Your birthday?

- (SHOP BELL DINGS) - Birthdays are for kids, Perry.

I know! It's just... Dude, never mind.

- How old are you? - 40.

OK, well, happy birthday. That's great.

(SIGHS)

What are you gonna do today? Hang out? Party tonight?

Karen forgot.

She forgot? That sucks!

You forgot too!

No, I didn't. I-I thought it was, like, tomorrow.

(SIGHS)

- You want me to call her? - No, no, no.

She's got enough on her plate so don't say anything.

- OK. - So just drop it.

- Promise me you won't say anything. - I'm not gonna say anything.

All right, if the lecture's over, I gotta go finish working.

Hey, look, you know what I think? I think you should take the day off.

Blow off some steam, find your buddies, throw a little party for yourself.

- I don't wanna do that. - I was about to put this in the safe.

Here, I want you to take some of this money. Two, three...

What is that?

- It's $500. - No, I'm not taking that.

Yeah, you are. You're actually gonna take 1,000. That's 1,000.

And, please, Perry, get it out of your system.

- I don't want this. - Yes, take it.

I'm tired of you loafing around this place, OK?

You're late all the time, your hair's a mess, you...

You look like a goblin.

You don't know jack shit about hardware, or the stuff we sell.

Oh, yes, I do. That's so not true.

OK. Well, what do we have in aisle ten?

- Aisle ten? - Yeah.

Soap.

- Soap? - Yeah, like dish soap.

- Wrong. - Um, wait. Um... hoses. No.

- Uh, shovels. - Wrong.

I know this. Hold on a second. It's like sink stuff.

OK, look, there is no aisle ten.

- All the aisles are lettered. - I knew that.

It's been like that from the beginning.

- I thought you meant something else. - Do me a favor. Have fun today, OK?

Enjoy your birthday. Blow it out, and then it's over.

OK? You got it?

All right, happy birthday.

Oh, and we don't sell dish soap.

It's a hardware store.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE LINE RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: Gary here. You know what to do.

- (PHONE BEEPS) - Gary, what's up, man. It's Perry.

How's it going? Hey, today's my birthday, man.

Um... and I'm thinking about having a party.

Like, a daytime blowout kinda party,

so... yeah, dude, um, soon as you get this, or...

You know what? I'll call you back.

As soon as I get a location, I'll call you back.

It's gonna be sick! Bye.

(# Still Crazy by The Exploding Hearts)

(PIANO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND)

- Hello. - One moment, please, sir.

All right.

- (SIGHS) - Cucumber water?

Yeah, sure. Thanks, man.

It's refreshing, isn't it?

- Oh, my God. - It took you a second.

- I know. Christy, what's up? - Hi.

How are you?

Um... I'm... I'm good.

You look good.

(SCOFFS)

- I don't know. Uh... - (LAUGHS)

I mean, how are you? You look amazing.

- Thanks. - Yeah. Wow.

So, what the hell's going on?

Um, nothing. Just working.

What, like, for the hotel or something?

No. I don't work for the hotel. I'm just staying here. I'm just in town.

- What about you? - Me?

- Yeah. Where do you live? - You know, still here in the city.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Doing... - You're not checking in?

- Um... No, I am checking in. - Oh.

But it's kind of a... kind of a long story.

- Hmm. - CLERK: Welcome to The Drake, sir.

- Sorry to keep you waiting. - Oh, just give me one second, OK?

- At your leisure. - All right.

I'll let you...

- Oh, no, no, no. - ...finish up.

Um... awesome to see you.

You still say "awesome".

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah, I guess I kinda do.

- Maybe I'll see you later. - All right.

- So, uh, what can I help you with? - Yeah, um...

- (MISPRONOUNCES) Rupert. - Rupert.

Oh! Rupert.

Yeah, I'm looking to get a room.

Oh, OK.

Well, let me see what we have available.

Man, I can't believe that.

What's that, sir?

Oh, I just... I haven't seen that chick in, like, 15 years.

Chick, sir? Oh... Was she an old flame?

Something like that.

Yeah. That's nice for you.

All right, well, we have a few options available.

I, uh, I assume you're looking for a single, sir?

I don't know, Rupert. Um... it's kind of a special occasion.

You got some kind of a suite?

- A suite? Well... - Yeah.

Oh, well, we have the... the Presidential, but, uh...

What's that?

It's very expensive.

Oh, cool. Can I take a look at it?

It's very, very expensive.

Well, I wanna see it.

- (LIFT BELL PINGS) - The Carlyle Suite. It's occupied.

And here we are.

The Presidential Suite.

Whoa!

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Ten presidents have stayed in the suite.

It was last remodeled in 2010,

but it was restored to its original design.

Have you ever felt Egyptian cotton?

(CHUCKLES) What is this, a king size?

The dining room table is made from mahogany

that has been imported from Brazil.

Oh, my God, there's a kitchen in here?

Yes.

- What's this? A little whiskey? - Uh...

No, it's not a... a little whiskey.

This is a Maclarnan Reserve.

41 years.

Uh, this is perhaps the greatest whiskey that was ever distilled.

Is it any good?

No. No. It's not any good.

It's perfection.

It starts mellow, sweet.

A little fruity.

But you're gonna wanna hang on, 'cause it's about to get bold.

Suddenly, you taste the earth.

It's gritty. Like there's dirt in your mouth.

Smoky. Oaky.

Perfection.

It lingers for just a moment,

and then seamlessly transitions

into a peculiar finish of lemon, with a hint of cranberries.

And it's $1,000 a bottle.

So, let's just leave this here,

and let's go find you a Deluxe Queen with a minibar.

Well, wait, wait. How much is this room?

- Two. - Two what?

2,000.

$2,000 for one night?

This is not the Sheridan, sir.

No shit, Rupert.

Look, why don't we find you a very nice room.

- But something simpler? - I got an idea.

There's no one here, so... is there any wavering on the price?

(CHUCKLES) There's no wavering, sir.

Why is that so funny?

(CHUCKLES) It's not... it's not funny.

(PERRY SIGHS)

So, do you want it?

(SIGHS)

Can I do, like, half cash, half credit?

VOICEMAIL: Gary here. You know what to do.

Gary! It's on, dude!

I'm at The Drake Hotel, the Presidential Suite,

and it's pretty sweet all right.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, it's John. Please leave a message.

Yo, Johnny! What's up? It's Perry. Hey, I'm having a party.

I'm at The Drake Hotel.

Uh, the Presidential Suite.

Uh, call me. Bye.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Pete. Who are you? Leave a message.

PERRY: Hey, Pete. What's up, man? It's Perry Miller.

Hey, uh, I'm having a rad party today, so... give me a call.

VOICEMAIL: Gary here. You know what to do.

- (PHONE BEEPS) - PERRY: Gary, what's up, man?

It's Perry calling again.

Hey, I don't know if you're getting my messages, or what,

but, uh... give me a call, man.

I, um... wanna have this party, so...

All right, talk to you later. Bye.

(IMITATES MOTOR ENGINE)

(IMITATES CRASHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Who is it? - MAN: Room service.

Room service?

- I didn't order any room service. - (LAUGHING)

- Hey, Gary! What's up? - Birthday guy!

What's up, man? What's up, Johnny?

That was me doing room service. You knew that, right?

- Yeah, yeah. - This is Gypsy.

Hey, welcome to my party. Wow!

- Are we the first ones here? - Yeah. Hey, where's Pete?

- He's hungover, so he can't make it. - Oh.

- You have a kitchen in your hotel room. - Yeah, right? Wild, huh?

Unbelievable. What's this?

Uh, probably the finest bottle of Scotch ever made.

Uh, guys, finest bottle of Scotch ever made. You want a shot?

- JOHNNY: Yes! - Gypsy, you want a shot of Scotch?

No, no, no. Gary, you can't do shots of that stuff.

- Why not? - Because it's like an antique.

- You can't just gulp it down. - It's antique alcohol.

- It's, like, 1,000 bucks a bottle. - Oh, wow.

I mean, I'm very thirsty, so, you know, you're the host of the party and...

- Very funny. - I'm just kidding around. It's a joke.

- Wait, we're not gonna be doing shots? - No, we're not.

- Come on, Gary! - No, we're not doing shots.

All right, calm down.

Uh, let's get everything started, and Gypsy, you wanna get ready?

- Give him a happy birthday. - Give me a couple of minutes to change.

- Who's she? - OK, this is a birthday present.

She's a friend of mine, so it's a freebie.

- So, we're gonna put you... - What do you mean by freebie?

It means you need to relax.

Hey, Gypsy, where should I put him? Should I put him here?

- Fine. - All right, so sit here. Just relax.

Is she gonna strip?

No, I think she might just read us the Bible.

- (JOHNNY CHUCKLES) - Yeah.

She's a stripper. That's what she does.

All right? You rent out this whole huge suite.

What are we gonna do, play Scrabble?

Man, come on. You know, you don't wanna do shots of Scotch, OK?

It's too expensive. Right, have a beer.

- OK. Chill out. - All right. OK, all right.

We're your friends, OK? And by the way, she'll do anything you want.

Hey, you want a hummer?

Dude, don't say that. That's someone's daughter.

Shut it! Have a good time. This is a party, all right?

This is for you. This is... You wanted to go crazy, right?

- Yeah. - Well, this is going crazy.

All right, Gypsy, you ready?

Dude, if you don't want the hummer, I'll take it. I'll be the one freebie.

- Right? For me? - Yeah.

- You ready for this? - Whoo!

Mm-hm!

PERRY: Oh, man.

Oh...

- Do you dare touch it? - (JOHNNY CHUCKLES)

- Sure. Why not? - BOTH: No, no, no. No, no.

GYPSY: Guess not.

GARY: Whoo!

Do you need music? Do we have music around?

- GYPSY: Mm-hm. - (GARY BEATBOXES)

(JOHNNY JOINS IN)

GYPSY: Thank you.

Does that sound right?

Hey, do you mind using a coaster?

(CHUCKLES)

Seriously, can you put a coaster under that?

- JOHNNY: Dude, are you serious? - Yeah. You, too.

- They're not even open! - Take the beers off the table.

There's a show going on.

- PERRY: Do it. - GARY: Stop!

- PERRY: One second. - GARY: Are you insane?

- Is this a joke? - Stop, stop, stop. It doesn't matter.

My table at home is full of rings. My kid never uses a coaster.

- There's a beautiful woman there. - OK. All right.

- (BEATBOXING CONTINUES) - Look that way.

That's for you! Yeah! Fun!

Yeah, hold on. Gimme one minute, OK? I'll be right back.

What are you doing to me? There's a woman right...

- I'm sorry. - (DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God.

What the hell's the matter with you?

All you ever talk about is hanging out with your buddies,

and now you're acting like a total freak.

My God, what the hell?

Hey, what's your problem?

- Nothing, man. I'm fine. - You're fine?

- Yeah. - Use a coaster? You sound like my mom.

I know, man. When you're in dad mode, you just think about stuff like that.

This isn't about you being a dad, all right?

This is about you celebrating 40 year... 40 years.

Think about that, right? It's party time.

You gotta celebrate that.

You can't get that time back. That should make you a little insane.

Oh, man. You're right.

Dude, my life is so straight now. I...

I watch House Hunters ten times a week.

Dude, I'm this close to losing my shit right now.

Then lose it. Lose your shit. I'm gonna lose my shit. Wanna lose your shit?

- Yeah. All right. - Let's lose it. Let's go insane.

- OK. - Let's do it. You deserve it.

- Right. - Celebrate it.

- You're right. - Right?

- (SIGHS) I miss the band, man. - Mm-hm.

You know, I just wanna get the band back on again.

I know. So here's what we're gonna do.

Let's lay it down like there's no tomorrow.

- All right. - Right?

- I-I know. - I'm with you.

- I'm in. - Feeling good?

PERRY: I'm in. Honestly, I feel great.

Gypsy, let's go. He's ready for some sexy-ass dancing.

You know what? I got something I gotta say.

Oh, speech! I'm gonna sit down for this, all right?

All right, yeah. We haven't hung out in a while so this is special to me.

All right, I may have a bad back

that aches every morning when I have to get out of bed.

I might have a wife and two kids,

and a mortgage to pay, but you know what?

There is a damn good chance that that TV flies out the window today.

That's what I'm talking about, man!

- Out the goddamn window! - Yes!

- Like the old days. - BOTH: Like the old days!

GARY: Yes, that's it!

- And I don't need a coaster! - You're a punk! Look at that!

- That's gonna leave a huge ring. - Ring that shit!

- Tremendous. - My phone's ringing.

- So what? - (PHONE RINGS)

It's my wife.

(SNICKERS) Don't answer it.

PERRY: I'm sure it's nothing.

Hey, baby.

KAREN: Why aren't you at the house right now?

The house?

My parents are waiting for you. They're locked out.

Remember? You're supposed to let them in at your lunch break.

Oh, damn it. Oh...

I'm so sorry. OK.

I'll be right there. OK, I'm sorry. Bye.

My in-laws are locked out.

So what? I don't care.

I have to let 'em in.

I told you not to answer the phone, dumb ass.

I know. I have to let 'em back in.

Can't they just break in or something?

Gimme a break, Gary. They can't break in the house.

We've got people here and everything.

Well, just make yourselves at home. Just hang out.

Watch TV or something but, hey, don't touch the minibar.

OK? Because I already ate, like, a $10 box of Twizzlers.

You know what? You're being a very bad host.

All right, I'll be right back.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - We just got here!

Well, I can see I'm gonna have to clean out these gutters while we're here.

Fix that mailbox.

And what's with all the trash in the driveway?

Maybe you should just clean it up and not say anything, Walt.

Is that him?

Yep.

WALT: Look at his pants.

Hey! Hey, guys! Oh, man, I'm so sorry I'm late.

- Hey, Joan. - Hi, Perry.

- Hey, Walt. - Perry.

All right, I'm just gonna let you in, and...

- Oh, hey, let me get that for you. - Thank you.

You bet.

I only got a second. I gotta get back to work.

- (EXHALES) - Back to work.

If you use coasters, you wouldn't get marks on the table like this.

Oh, yeah, I tell Salome all the time but she doesn't always get it.

You know, I've been thinking.

Maybe I should take a crack at that playhouse out there.

- What do you mean? - Just spruce it up a little.

Make it look like an actual house.

Never mind. Maybe I shouldn't say anything.

- What are you talking about, Walt? - Nothing!

- Forget it. - You promised.

(SIGHS) Oh, you're right, Joanie.

(BOTH WHISPER)

So, please, try to be nice.

OK?

WALT: I-I don't mean to be critical,

but, you know, your effort is just kind of...

...lacking.

- JOAN: Walt! - I think Salome likes the house.

He just means you didn't put your heart into it.

But that's OK. Not everyone is good at putting their heart into things.

I'm sorry I'm not a professional wood person.

I know. We can work on it together.

- You wanna help me? - That's a great idea.

You know, I-I... That is a great idea, but I have to...

- So we'll get dessert then. - (DOORBELL RINGS)

Yes! That's the whole...

- Coaster, please. - Yeah, hold on.

Hey, Pete. How you feeling?

I need... a drink.

Yes, you do. Uh, there's a little minibar right over there.

I like your glasses. Very much.

Hello?

Oh, hi. Uh, come on in, ladies. Make yourself at home.

You know, I-I... Seriously, I gotta get back to work.

Hi, guys.

Not now, Joan. We're in the middle of something.

I just wanna talk to Perry.

(SIGHS) Can't it wait?

Perry, you'll have to show us Salome's fancy new guitar.

Didn't you guys get her a new guitar for the talent show?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we did.

Well, where is it?

Uh... I got it.

WALT: He probably lost it.

No, I didn't lose it.

WALT: Well, then, where is it, Perry?

- (PHONE RINGS) - Um...

Can you guys gimme just one second?

Hey, are you coming back or what?

PERRY: Yeah, yeah. I'm coming back.

Hey, have you seen a guitar around there?

A guitar? Uh, I see no guitar.

PERRY: Are you sure? It's got, like, a dinosaur on it?

Um, I'm very sure I see no guitar, or a dinosaur.

Hey, I got a question for you.

Is it OK if we put in an order for room service?

Room service?

Yeah, maybe just a couple of simple things.

Maybe some... pizzas, some BLTs, kinda thing.

- PERRY: No, man. That shit's expensive. - Oh, yeah.

GARY: But the thing is, you know, we're very hungry.

Why didn't you eat before you came?

Because it's a birthday party. There's food at parties.

Are you sure we can't put an order in,

because the thing is I already placed one and everything.

PERRY: What? No, man! Call 'em back and cancel.

Uh, I don't think they allow you to do that, especially...

- GARY: They're delivering it right now. - Gary.

Sorry, man. We got hungry.

(SIGHS) Goddamnit, Gary. Don't do anything else. I'll be right back.

(SIGHS)

- Did you find the guitar, Perry? - Yeah, it's...

(EXHALES)

I know where it is.

Oh, shit.

The garbage was today. I didn't put it out. It...

I'll see ya.

WALT: Told you he lost it.

(SHOP BELL DINGS)

Hey, Denise, have you seen a guitar around here?

- I put it in the office. - Oh, my God. I thought I lost it.

DENISE: But Jake's having a meeting in there.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Perry... - Hey, what's up?

What are you doing here?

I'm just looking for Salome's guitar. Have you seen it around?

Right over there.

Am I interrupting something?

No. No, man. Uh, we're just... we're just talking.

You remember Drew, our lawyer.

How you doing, Perry?

What are you guys talking about?

Uh... we were...

W-why don't you have a seat, Perry?

Uh... so... in your father's will, where he left you guys the business,

he also included a little provision

pertaining to your stake in the ownership.

What little provision?

Basically, if I feel like you're not pulling your weight,

I have the option of buying you out of the company.

- Buying me out? - Yeah.

What does that mean?

That means that you wouldn't work here anymore.

Or receive any of the profits.

Whoa, what would I do then?

And what does that mean for me?

Well, first of all, you'd get a nice chunk of money.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, and then you'd have to find another job.

What if I don't feel like you're pulling your weight?

- Me? - You.

- I mean, that's not... - Well, it...

It doesn't seem like that's an option. I am pulling my weight.

If I may, gentlemen, uh, actually,

he didn't actually stipulate for Jake's weight.

Oh, my God. That figures. He always liked hanging out with you more anyway.

- That's not true. - I think it...

You know, it's just... Jake's older.

What? He's not older.

No, I'm younger.

Oh. Sorry. I...

I thought you... You seemed older.

Got it. Yeah, we got that.

You actually seemed younger, Perry, so...

No, dude, I'm the older brother.

He's the older brother. Uh, Drew, do you wanna give me a second with my brother?

- Sure. No problem. - Thank you, buddy.

- It was great to see you. - You too, guys.

Uh, just go upstairs, and I'll be up there in a second. All right.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Are you thinking about buying me out of the family business?

Hold on a second, OK? I'm trying to help you. That's all I'm trying to do.

You're going to take it like I'm doing something personal to you,

and I'm not.

I just... I look at you,

and, you know, you remind me of one of those days

when it's rainy and sunny at the same time.

You know what I'm saying?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about that I think you're confused, Perry.

I am not confused.

I think you're very, very, very confused.

I am not confused.

I like rainy sunny days. They're weird.

No, not rainy sunny days. I'm talking about a sunny rainy day.

What's the difference?

I'm talking about a day that's raining but there's bits of sun.

It's mostly sheets of rain.

You're confused, and you're confusing everyone around you.

Are you happy, are you sad? It's coming down...

Forget it.

Look... just be a regular day.

You know? Like everyone else.

I mean, I feel...

Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I feel like you're scared.

You're scared to live in the normal world like the rest of us.

You've always been like that.

Well, what am I supposed to say to Karen?

Don't worry about Karen. I talked to Karen. She supports this.

You talked to my wife about firing me?

I talked to your wife about her opinion, not about firing you.

I'm not firing you. Look, if you wanna do this...

- If you fully commit to the store... - No, no, no.

- You don't, right? - No, no. No, you're right. I don't.

Full heartedly commit to the hardware store...

No, whatever. I'm a rainy sunny day, Jake.

- No, you're a sunny rainy day. - I'm a sunny rainy day, Jake.

- Yes, you're confusing. - Whatever. I'm outta here.

You say you wanna do it, then you say you don't wanna.

- I'm outta here. - Perry...

I love you too.

Perry, come on. Don't do this.

PERRY: You're an asshole.

(SIGHS) Perry!

Perry!

Perry?

MAN: Perry! There he is. What's up, big man? What's up?

Hey.

I-I gotta... I gotta go.

Hey, what do you think? Snow blowers? Snow shovels?

- Yeah, what do you reckon? - I have no idea.

- You're gonna have to ask my brother. - Do you like poker?

- I don't really play poker. - You gotta play.

- It's easy. - You gotta play.

Guys, we... Honestly, we have nothing in common.

Well, we have everything in common.

- (CHUCKLES) Another way to look at it. - Yeah.

Our kids do everything together.

They go to school together, play together, do dance together.

- Overnights. - Overnights, birthdays.

- Soccer practice. - I see this guy 12 times a week.

You think I like him? I don't like him. He's a nerd.

I don't like him, either.

(SIGHS) Oh, man.

But we share a common bond. That's just the way it is.

I gotta go.

Yeah.

(HORN HONKS)

WOMAN: Perry!

- Hi again. - Hey. How's it going?

- You OK? - Not really.

Just running around right now, so...

- Oh, shit. - What?

- Oh, my God. That's Joan Jett. - Yeah, I know.

- No, no. It's Joan Jett right there. - That's why I'm here.

I'm her manager. She has a show tonight.

- What? - Yeah.

You didn't wanna lead with that earlier?

(LAUGHS) Hey, can I introduce you?

This is a really old friend of mine, Perry.

- Sure. - Oh, hey. How you doing?

- Pleasure to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure to meet you, too. - Yeah.

My, uh, mother-in-law's name is Joan.

(CHRISTY CHUCKLES)

- Yeah. - Uh, we should get going.

- The car's outside. - OK.

- All right. - CHRISTY: See you, Perry.

- All right. - Say hi to your mother-in-law.

- (CHRISTY LAUGHS) - I will.

Oh, my God. "My mother-in-law's name is Joan?"

Jesus Christ.

Oh, Mr Miller. How are you enjoying your stay?

Yeah, uh, it's...

Great. Listen, I see you're carrying a guitar.

I just wanted to inform you

that the hotel has a strict no-party policy.

- Uh-huh. I'm not having a party. - Great.

Because if there is any damage done to that hotel room,

we will prosecute.

(SIGHS) OK, cool.

(LIFT BELL PINGS)

(RAUCOUS CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

MAN: What's up?

- (ROCK MUSIC BLASTS) - (DOG BARKS)

Oh, my God.

Finally, bro.

(RAUCOUS CHATTER)

(SHOUTS) Gary!

What the hell is going on here?

- What do you mean? - Who are all these people?

- Friends. - Whose friends?

People's friends. Friends of friends. I don't know.

So they're strangers, basically.

Well, not to each other.

You wanted to have a party. This is a party. Oh, look who's here.

Pete.

Oh, my God.

Lordy, Lordy, look who's 40.

Yeah, yeah, it happens, right?

Hey, Pete. How you doing? You got a hangover?

Yeah. It's good. I, uh, I concocted a remedy.

It's Scotch and tomato juice.

That sounds disgusting.

It's better if you use a really good Scotch,

which this is amazing shit.

Have you tried this?

Oh, my God! You drank the Scotch?

I had to. I had a hangover, man.

- Gary, what did I say? - I don't know.

I said don't drink the Scotch.

- Hey, I'm sorry. - Oh, you're sorry! Oh, great!

- My God. Everybody, shut up! - Hey!

Don't scream at everybody.

Dude, you'll freak everybody out. Calm down. Have a beer.

There we go.

So much nicer. How does that feel?

(GULPS) I need a nap.

Hey, you know, you've really changed.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You're just no fun anymore.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GUITAR MUSIC)

Perry?

(MUSIC AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)

(WHISPERS) Perry?

Perry. Wake up.

What's happening?

Hi.

How's your birthday going?

- Oh, man, it sucks ass. - (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS) What time is it?

It's about 5:30.

Is it still going on?

Oh, yeah. There's, like, 100 people out there.

- (GROANS) Oh, God. - How long have you been sleeping?

I don't know. Like a couple of hours or something.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God. My neck.

What?

- Let me rub it for you. - No...

Oh... That's awesome.

I brought you something.

Happy birthday.

What is this?

It's, uh, tickets for Joan's show tonight.

No way! Really?

Yeah. With backstage passes.

- Oh, yeah. - You should come and hang out with me.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, how are things? How's your life? How have you been?

Things? Thing... things are... Things are good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

That's good.

I mean, it seems a little weird you got this really nice hotel room,

and there's a bunch of people out there partying,

but you're in here taking a nap.

- (SIGHS) - So... what's really going on?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I don't know. Like, I think I'm going through some kinda like,

mid-life freak-out or something.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's, like, I'm just thinking about the path not taken.

Hmm.

Like what?

(SIGHS) Oh, just stupid shit.

Like...

How we should have never signed that stupid record deal.

It's like I put everything I had into that record,

and they just totally dumped it.

Yeah.

They did.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I really loved that record, though.

Really?

I thought it was really great.

Wow. Thanks.

I think about you a lot.

- Really? - Yeah.

I knew it was your birthday.

I didn't know it was today exactly, but I always know this time of year,

when the weather changes.

Always reminds me.

What do you think about?

I think you're my path not taken.

(CHUCKLES)

- Get outta town! - (LAUGHS)

- Really? - Yeah.

We had so much fun together.

You just have this really great way of sort of making everything...

...really exciting,

and each moment always just felt so alive, and...

Nah, I'm not like that anymore.

Yeah, you are.

You are. I can tell.

I don't know, I don't know.

I loved how you'd always play me your songs first.

(CHUCKLES)

I always got to be the first person to hear 'em.

- Mm-hm. - (SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Oh, my gosh. That was a long time ago.

Mmm.

Do you still write music?

Yeah, sometimes. When I'm not totally exhausted.

You smell the same.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Christy... - Yeah?

I can't go there.

I-I can't go there. I'm...

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

(PERRY SIGHS)

Do you wanna, like, hear a new song?

(CHRISTY SIGHS)

- I have a new song. - Really?

Really.

- OK. - OK, one sec.

(SIGHS) Capo.

(EXHALES) All right.

I don't know what I'm doing, but here we go.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

# Where can I find the city of shining light

# In an ordinary world?

# How can I leave the buried treasure behind

# In an ordinary world?

# The days into years roll by

# It's well that I live until I die

# Ordinary world

# Mmm, mmm, mmm

# What would you wish if you saw a shooting star

(PHONE TRILLS)

# In an ordinary world?

# I drive to the end of the earth and afar

# In an ordinary world

# Baby, I don't have much...

(PHONE TRILLS)

- I... - Just ignore that.

- I'm sorry, - You got a text.

I know, but it's... stupid. Just don't even... Honestly...

- We can do this another time. - I'm sorry about that.

- Don't be silly. - No, please, come on.

- No, it's cool. - No, Perry. I swear I loved it.

- No, it's all right. - I loved it. Please finish.

- Yeah, it's all good. - I feel like Joan would really love it.

I would love to play this song for her.

(DOOR OPENS)

Dude, wake up.

- I am awake. - Good news. The band is gonna play.

- Really? - Yeah. We're setting up right now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Holy shit.

GARY: Two, two, two. Hey.

Thanks for coming, you guys.

Uh, where's Perry?

Where's Perry? Perry, get out of that bedroom!

- (GUESTS CHEER) - Do you wanna hear some music? Yeah!

I know, very important to get your rest these days.

There's a handicapped ramp over here if you wanna...

(LAUGHTER)

My friend here had the audacity

to turn 40 today.

- (CHEERING) - GARY: Four zero.

Oh! Timber!

(LAUGHTER)

This guy, you know, we love him. I love him. He's the best.

He's got a new job. He's, uh... What is it you're doing right now?

You're changing baby diapers and filling up baby bottles?

- (LAUGHTER) - I'm telling you...

This guy, I am a witness to this, he was a lunatic.

He was nuts. He was crazy.

All right, this guy right here

was rock and roll to the core.

- Still am! - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Yeah!

- (LAUGHTER) - You're looking good, though.

Come on, man. Let's do this.

You can see wrinkles up close. See that?

MAN: Wait! He needs his guitar!

What's that? Oh, we have a guitar on its way here. What is this?

Hold on, man. That's my daughter's guitar. Be careful.

GARY: What is it? Oh, oh, I'm so...

Yes, we've got children's music for you today.

- A dinosaur. - (LAUGHTER)

Easy. That's my daughter's guitar, man. Come on.

Rock and roll, dinosaur!

Gary, come on, man.

(LAUGHS) Sit, sit there, man.

Pull up a chair for him so he can see... I want him to see the band.

Uh, I am looking for Señor Newt.

Newt, where are you? Ah, there he is.

- (GUESTS CHEER) - Come up here!

Yeah, let's do this.

Shut up!

What's going on? Who the hell is this guy?

That's Newt.

Is he... is he in the band?

Yeah, he's in the band. You're not gonna want to stand there, buddy.

- When did this happen? - Are you kidding?

- I'm not in the band? - You haven't been in the band.

- Get off the stage, old man! - Shut up! Get out of my room!

(CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC BLASTS)

(NEWT SINGS INDISTINCTLY)

My daughter's guitar!

- (GRUNTS) - (CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

Out.

(BAND STOPS PLAYING)

In an orderly fashion.

- Get out, get out. - You're a communist! Get off me!

RUPERT: The party is over. Everybody out!

I told you, no party.

Get him in his bedroom.

Get them into the bedroom.

The cops are on their way.

KAREN: Salome! Come on, babe. We're gonna be late.

- I'm right here, Mom. - Oh. Good.

Where's Dad at?

I don't know, hon. I've been having trouble getting hold of him.

- Well, can I call him? - Yes, sure. In the car.

Come on, guys. Mom, Dad...

(CYMBALS CRASH)

GARY: What is your problem?

You say you wanna have a party, and then when it happens,

you're all bent out of shape.

Well, maybe if you'd invited some people I know, Gary...

What? You think I wanted to spend my entire Tuesday

organizing a birthday party?

I mean, I wake up to your voicemails.

You're all fired up, ready to go,

ready to burn down the city,

so I drop everything for you.

I gotta say, it's very typical of you.

What do you mean, typical?

This is just what you do.

I mean, just... I should have learned my lesson years ago,

when you walked out on the band.

- I did not walk out on the band. - You know you did.

I did not walk out on the band. Are you kidding me?

What, what was it then?

- Gary, I had a kid. - Mm-hm.

We were having a baby, man. We had to take a break.

- It was just a hiatus. - It was a hiatus?

- Yeah. - Gimme a break.

How long is that hiatus? Forever?

You remember the tour?

Right? With Mudhoney. You remember that? 30 cities.

I mean, that would have been huge for us. It was all lined up.

I mean, do you ever think about what that could have led to?

Every day.

Yeah. A million things.

You know, we could have been touring right now.

I mean, we struggled for how many years together?

You know, I put my heart and soul into the band.

And...

...I was counting on you.

I don't know. I guess I just never understood the whole kid thing.

(DOOR OPENS)

You can go.

Gary...

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.

It's OK. I'm over it.

- Do you want these tickets? - To what?

Joan Jett.

I can't go. I got a talent show to go to for my kid.

Hell, yes! Thank you very much.

- Yeah. - Yeah, we should play some time.

Just get together and jam.

Yeah, man. It's all I wanna do anyway.

Yeah, that's so great. Come on. Let's go.

You're free. Oh, not you, Mr Miller.

- Cuff him. - Yep.

- What? You gotta be kidding me. - Turn around.

I... (SIGHS)

Can you at least get my cell phone out?

I warned you, Mr Miller.

- Have a seat. - (SIGHS)

I gotta call my wife.

- Dude, I need to make a call. - Wait here.

(SIGHS)

I need to call my wife.

(PHONE LINE RINGS)

- (PHONE RINGS) - PERRY: God!

I gotta call my wife!

Perry, call me. This is ridiculous. We need the guitar.

Get over here. Where is the...?

Hi. Excuse me. Could you tell me when Salome Miller is?

Uh, seventh.

Seventh. Cou... Could she go last?

- Yeah, sure. - OK. Great. Thank you.

We're on last. Last but not least.

- Are you OK, Mom? - Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm...

Maybe I'm a little nervous but it's just because I'm so proud of you.

It's not because Dad's not here?

No. No.

Come on. Shit!

- Well, I'll be damned. - Dean!

I heard "Perry Miller" on my radio, and I thought it might be you.

(SIGHS) Man, I'm so stupid.

I had a party. It got out of hand.

Stupid, that's right. Let me go talk to him.

Wait, wait, wait. Can you get my pho...? Oh!

Ten minutes, you guys. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes?

You know what? I'm gonna go back to the car and get your dad's guitar.

Just in case, OK? I'll be right back.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

OK, Miller.

All right, Perry.

Oh... thanks, Dean.

Don't thank me.

Thank this nice gentleman here for showing you some compassion.

- Thanks, Rupert. - Happy birthday, Mr Miller.

Talent show.

Oh, man, thank you so much for getting me out of that.

Oh, they're gonna send you a bill for the damages.

- I'm screwed. - Yep.

CHRISTY: Perry?

Perry!

Oh, hey, Christy.

What's going on? Are you OK?

- DEAN: Perry. - Oh, it's fine. He's a friend of mine.

Oh.

Salome, hey. OK. Break legs. Mwah!

(SIGHS)

- I can't stop thinking about that song. - DEAN: Perry.

I really love it, and I really want Joan to hear it. Could you play it for her?

Perry... it's startin', man.

I-I gotta go. I cannot miss this.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(SIREN WAILS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(KAREN SIGHS)

(WHISPERS) Sorry I'm late.

(WHISPERS) Where have you been?

Has she gone up yet?

She's up next.

Where's the new guitar?

(WHISPERS) Perry?

- Does she have my old one? - I can't believe you.

(APPLAUSE)

(BABY BABBLES)

(STRUMS GUITAR)

Hey, my name is Salome Miller,

and this is a song that my dad taught me.

I think because it's about him, so...

# Look me in the eyes

# And tell me I'm satisfied

# Were you satisfied?

# Look me in the eyes

# And tell me I'm satisfied

# Was you satisfied?

# Everything goes so slowly on

# Everything I've ever wanted

# Tell me what's wrong

# I'm so, I'm so

# Unsatisfied

# I'm so

# Unsatisfied

(APPLAUSE)

- PERRY: In we go! - (SALOME LAUGHS)

SALOME: Go!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- KAREN: Are you happy with it? - SALOME: Yeah.

KAREN: I'm proud of you.

It was fun.

I love watching you play. I love you.

Can I come in?

Oh, look... it's Mr Forgetful.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm, in case you can't remember, your name is Perry Miller,

and this is your house and this is your daughter's bedroom.

I feel terrible.

OK.

(KISSES SALOME)

- (MOUTHS) Sorry. - (SIGHS)

Great song, kiddo.

It was all right.

All right?

I'm so proud of you.

I'm really sorry about the guitar.

It really sucked, Dad.

I told all my friends about the new guitar.

You did?

(PERRY SIGHS)

Well, just to let you know, I'm not unsatisfied.

Sometimes you're just not there, like this morning.

I was late to school because you were, like, playing your guitar.

And... you always say we're supposed to support each other in this family.

(SIGHS) You're right.

I let you down.

But you know what? It'll never happen again, OK?

Look at me. Serious.

It will never happen again.

OK.

By the way, how was, uh, Career Day?

I just said you were in a band.

Really?

(EXHALES) I'm not really in a band anymore.

- Unless you wanna start a band with me. - Really?

Hell, yeah.

But I don't have a guitar.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we'll figure something out.

OK. I might be in a band with you.

(CHUCKLES) Cool!

Hey, by the way, how pissed is Mom?

About a six or a seven.

That's it?

I think she's just glad you made it.

(EXHALES) Yeah. Me, too.

- Are we cool? - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

OK.

All right, get some sleep, OK?

OK.

Wow.

Big improvement on mine.

Really big improvement.

- What do you think? - It's really cool, man.

Good job, Dad.

Well, look inside.

- KAREN: Oh, I love it! - Wow! This is amazing.

It's pretty good.

But it's not finished yet.

I'm sorry about the guitar. I know you're pissed. I don't blame you.

Oh, you don't blame me?

No.

(LAUGHS) Well, thank you, Perry!

Thank you for not blaming me for you losing the guitar.

(CHUCKLES)

Did Jake talk to you about me?

He always talks about you.

No, but did you know he was gonna fire me?

'Cause he fired me.

Yeah. Yeah, he did say something.

Yeah, and I... and I thought it was a good idea.

You know, get you out from under the store.

So you guys were, like, talking about me?

No, I mean, I guess, you know, sort of.

Maybe... I mean... I mean maybe a little bit, you know,

but... Perry, you hate that job.

Now you can do something that inspires you.

It sucks you guys were talking about me.

No. No, no, no, no.

It was a brief phone call.

He said he would discuss it with you. I didn't know he would do it today.

I thought he would wait until after your birthday.

Well, he did it today, on my birthday.

- Today is not your birthday. - (PERRY CHUCKLES)

Karen, I hate to break it to you but today is my birthday,

and you forgot.

I'm not even mad. I don't know. I mean...

I guess I did kinda flip out, and I feel bad about that.

- I spent a few thousand dollars. - What?

I know, I think I'm going through some kind of mid-life crisis or something.

Normally I wouldn't even care if you forgot my birthday.

Today is not your birthday. Today is the 16th.

Tomorrow is your birthday.

What? No, it's not.

Didn't we talk about it was Salome's talent show

was on the same day as my birthday?

We had that conversation.

Yes, because originally it was, but then they had to move it back a night,

because there's a PTA thing at the school tomorrow night.

Today is the 16th. Tomorrow is your birthday.

- Oh, shit. - You spent a few thousand dollars?

- On what? - A hotel room and stuff.

- (SIGHS) - Look, I'm sorry.

You're lucky Jake is giving you some money.

- Karen, wait! - (DOOR CLOSES)

- (SIGHS) - (THUNDER RUMBLES)

TED: You can't play if you don't know the rules.

- You don't know the rules. - I know all of the rules.

- This happens every single week. - PERRY: Hey, guys.

DEAN: Somebody said something.

- I didn't hear anything. - Guys, down here.

- TED: Hey. - PERRY: Hey.

- What are you doing in there? - Just thinking.

We were wondering if you're up for a little poker.

Uh, not tonight, man. I-I got a little family issue I gotta take care of.

- Fallout from today? - PERRY: Yeah.

Hey, thanks for bailing me out, by the way.

No, man, it was easy.

- Hey, but next week I'm in. - Oh, you're in?

Yeah, I'm in. I'm in the Dads' Group. If you'll still have me.

Yeah, yeah. We accept criminals.

Yeah, we'll make an exception.

Good to have you aboard, sir.

- TED: He's in the group now. - DEAN: Yeah, let's go get some donuts.

- TED: How many are we gonna get? - JOE: I like that little house.

DEAN: What do you think about that doo-wop group? Anybody?

Hey, it's the birthday boy!

Hey, Walt. Karen go to bed?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah.

She was all fired up.

Sounds like you're in the doghouse.

- Yeah. - You want a drink?

Um, yeah, sure. Why not?

You know, Perry, I'm a little hard on you sometimes.

But I just want you to know

I really appreciate how much you love and care for my daughter.

Thanks, Walt.

Yeah, I think I screwed up pretty big this time.

Have you apologized to her?

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Then I'll tell you what you do.

You go upstairs, and tell her you're sleeping on the couch.

You just grab your pillow and say,

"Hey, honey, I'm sorry. I'll just give you a little space."

"I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

(WHISPERS) I don't wanna sleep on the couch.

Don't worry, you won't have to.

She'll forgive you on the spot.

Trust me.

I've done it a thousand times.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hey.

You know, I was thinking, um...

Maybe I should sleep on the couch tonight.

The couch?

Yeah, I figured I'd give you your space, and... just grab my pillow.

Sleep on the couch.

Did my dad tell you to say that?

No.

Hmm.

Sounds like something my dad would say.

Yeah, he did.

Hmm. Well, that's not gonna work with me, so enjoy the couch.

All right.

(SIGHS)

How's the couch?

Sucks.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

You think this is something we could look back on and laugh about someday?

I have to be mad first.

How long is that gonna take?

Long.

So this means I get a free pass, right?

A freak-out pass if I ever decide to go off the deep end?

Sure. You can freak out if you want to.

Just let me know in advance.

You don't want the whole house to burn down, do you?

You know what freaks me out?

We're parents. Us.

- Parents. - (CHUCKLES)

I know. It's, like, really weird, right?

For their entire lives...

...we're gonna be their mom and dad.

And when they go off to college,

and they think about home...

they're gonna think about us.

And when they get older and have kids...

...we're gonna be these wise old grandparents.

But the truth is we're not wise.

We're just a couple of people who met on the subway.

We're not parents.

(CHUCKLES) You are. You're good at it.

You're, like, Mom 101.

- I'm just making stuff up. - No, you're not.

No, I'm just acting like a mom, so they'll let me be in charge.

Well, that's smart.

That's what makes you a natural.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, I'm glad it looks that way.

You know, you don't have to freak out, babe.

OK.

Neither do you.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way.

But do you wanna watch House Hunters and get it on?

How am I supposed to take that?

Just 'cause it's your 40th birthday.

Is that because you love me? Because I love you.

I might love you.

Well, you have to, because we have two kids.

Perry, you have two kids. I have three.

What? What you talking about? You talking about me?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

SALOME: Dad?

(HAIRDRYER WHIRS)

(HAIRDRYER STOPS)

(STAMPING)

- BOY: Dad! - SALOME: Dad!

Hey! What's up, homie?

How you doing?

Oh, that's it! Who's a big boy!

PERRY: All right. Let's go.

# Where can I find the city of shining light

Hold on, be right back.

# In an ordinary world?

# How can I leave the buried treasure behind

# In an ordinary world?

# The days into years roll by

# It's well that I live until I die

# Ordinary world

# Mmm, mmm, mmm

# What would you wish if you saw a shooting star

# In an ordinary world?

# I'd walk to the end of the earth and afar

A guitar!

# In an ordinary world

All right. What do you guys wanna listen to, The Beatles?

- No, I wanna listen to Dad's band. - Me too! Les Skunks!

- Really? - Yeah. I want you to play Devil's Kind.

I love that song.

She listens to it all the time.

All right!

Les Skunks it is!

Yeah!

Happy birthday.

(BABY BABBLES)