Original subtitles

KEVIN 2: Well, you did it, Kevin.

You managed to work Kale into every single part of this meal.

Well, if anyone's to blame, it's Kale's versatility.

Oh, can we stop talking about Kale for a second as a nation?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I had such strong beliefs about that topic, but...

Anyway, we were hoping for a little honeymoon advice.

We're thinking of Paris or maybe someplace more exotic.

And just to clarify, when we say exotic,

we mean cool and sexy,

not some place where you get a toilet seat parasite that lays eggs in your brain.

No, thank you. We don't want that.

Paris, huh? France? Lame.

Yeah, why go all that way when Paris, the Las Vegas resort and casino,

is just five states away? Huh?

Yeah, you like authentic French food?

How does a 1/2 mile-long, all-you-can-eat buffet of it sound?

Slightly less authentic.

Yeah, ooh, hey, how about Fiji?

Oh, so it's islands you want, huh? How about...

Rhode Island?What?

Well, I was gonna say Hawaii.

Or Long Island? Fire? Coney. Fantasy.

Come on, you guys, quit messing around.

Didn't you say Rio is beautiful

if you ignore all the street children?

Listen, Annie, sweetie, could you do me a favor?

Could you get a chocolate bar from your dad's nightstand?

My diet can eat a fatty.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Hurry, it's an emergency.

Thank you.

Annie cannot leave the country.

Huh? She doesn't know it, but she's an illegal alien.

She was born in Canada to a Canadian surrogate.

We wanted to have her here...

But it was the '80s.

Yeah, very difficult time for two gay men to have a child.

The '80s. Yeah, so for the past 30 years,

we've been secretly renewing her visa

using a tenuous loophole which closed last year.

Thanks, Obama!

Annie can never find out about this. She would be devastated.

[LAUGHS] Wow, that's a lot to process

after three kale-jitos,

but I should probably mention that Annie has this

adorable habit of waiting a moment

when she leaves the room just to make sure

that nobody's saying anything about her.

I'm Canadian?

How "aboot" that, eh?

No!

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no ♪ Hey

♪ Can't hold me back

JAKE: Aw.

ANNIE: How could my dads have lied to me all these years?

How could I not have known?

Nobody panic. Nobody decide they hate their parents.

KEVIN 2: In our defense, Annie, we were just trying to protect you.

I mean, it's hard enough growing up with two gay dads and a baby tail.

By the way, sweetie, you had a baby tail.

What? Monster.

We feel really, really bad, Annie, but you know,

we got you into this mess and we are going to get you out of it.

So we signed you up for the next citizenship test, which is next week.

Next week? No, I, I can't do next week.

I've got so much wedding planning this week.

Well, you could take the next test, but it's in seven months.

Seven months?

I can't spend another moment as a ridiculous Canadian.

I mean, no offense to Canada,

but it's basically America's attic.

Kevin and I will help you study. Yes.

And I'm sure you can find someone to help with the wedding.

You're all looking at Jake. You want an answer from Jake?

This would be a good chance for you to get involved.

I mean, you've kind of been checked out

through the old wedding planning process.

Checked out? What? I'm more checked in than Dunston, babe.

Let's be honest, you're more checked out

than Jason Alexander while making Dunston Checks In,babe.

Guys, sometimes your references...

Who are they for, really?

Okay, you know what? You want me on this thing?

Hand me that baton, and I will...

Hold that baton and do what you do [LAUGHS] with a baton.

Yeah? Yes, I will do it.

Okay, okay, let's give him the book. Come on.

Ohh. Oh, God, here it is.

All right. Oof! How many guys are you marrying, nine?

This is serious.

I don't want you to worry,

because you are gonna destroy the citizenship test,

and I am gonna destroy this wedding.

I'm gonna destroy this wedding.

Why? What do you mean?

No, because they're gonna ask me a bunch of stuff,

you know, like, "What color flower, Mr. Schuffman?"

Or, "What color tablecloth, Mr. Schuffman?"

Or, "What color"...

I can't even think of a third example,

because I don't understand any of this stuff.

Look, first things first, you got to break it down into its parts, okay,

like you were butchering a pig.

A big, whole, fat, dead pig is intimidating, but a pork chop?

Is delicious. Exactly.

Okay.

So, let's cut this little piggy up.

[LAUGHS]

First, we want to identify the top priorities.

What's this check?

Okay, oh, this check for the venue deposit says it's due yesterday.

Okay, so now, that's something I would call a top priority.

I'm gonna call them right now.

But she gave you this thing days ago, Buddy. [LAUGHS]

What have you been doing?

Well, you know, the Bulls, and Bears, and beers, and bowls...

And this thing is so big. You know, I have tiny hands.

What? Hi.

Hello, hi, this is Jake Schuffman.

I'm, uh, calling about our deposit.

Yeah, there's been a slight...

Okay, great. Awesome, thanks a lot.

Totally, big time.

You lost the venue, didn't you?

Totally, big time.

[BOTH SINGING] ♪ Hamilton, Madison, and Jay

♪ Are three fun names to say

♪ The Federalist Papers they wrote

♪ While looking at a boat

The boat feels a little off-topic.

Is it even historically accurate?

No, sweetie, and some of us were saying that yesterday.

And others of us were saying,

"Instead of poking holes,

"maybe you can pitch some of your own damn ideas."

All right. Um...

♪ To keep the country afloat

Okay, where was that guy last night?

Guys, I don't feel like this is helping.

W...[STAMMERS] all right, you know what, let's move on to

the, the flash cards, okay?

How many amendments in the Constitution?

Ooh. That's a tough one. [LAUGHS]

Fi...

Fo...

Tw... Twe...

"Tyse-e-e..., E-e-e..., V...v...v..."

Twenty-seven.

Yes! Another home run, sweetheart!

You see, you're a natural, a brilliant, natural genius.

No, no, I'm not.

Why is this test so hard?

I mean, I nailed the S.A.T.s.

Kevin, we should tell her.What's to tell?

Annie, sweetie... [STUTTERING]

You know how you, took the S.A.T.s untimed?

Most people don't get a week.

Well, I thought I got a week because I was special.

You are special.

And that is exactly the language

we used to get you excused from the test.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

This is the problem.

I am a coddled Canadian weirdo.

No!

Dads, I feel like all your helping is hurting,

and I should probably study without you.

Bad idea.

But you're right.

I'm sorry.

You should go, Kevin. We need to do this on our own.

No, scootch on out the door.

I just feel so terrible having deceived Annie for all these years.

Yeah, I get it.

Well, if you're looking for a place to release all that pent up paternal energy,

I know a big boy who needs a daddy right about now.

Oh, Jake, you are so bad at asking for help.

But no, I am sorry.

My helping days are behind me.

I lost our wedding venue.

[GASPS]

Dramatic gasp is right, but here's the good news...

I got the name of the woman who took it.

Now, all we have to do is convince her to give it back.

But I'm retired, Jake.

Kevin, word is this woman is a real bridezilla,

and the only way to beat a bridezilla

is with an even bigger bridezilla.

That's not a comment on your weight, because you look fantastic.

Are you asking me to come out of retirement for one last job?

Yes. What, what's with the voice?

[CLEAR THROAT] I've got a little green tea spit bubble.

Oh.It's really caught.

[COUGHS] I'm good. I'm good.

[LAUGHS]

Honestly, I don't think I'm gonna be a good study partner, Annie.

I don't know much about civics.

Oh, that's okay, I was more just looking for discipline.

I mean, you know my dads can be a little too encouraging.

So you asked me here for some tough love?

Exactly.

Well, makes sense.

I mean, the Kevins ruined you.

They told you how perfect you were your whole life, you believed it,

and then reality bitch-slapped you

in your perfect little face.

I mean, that... Well, that seems a hint unfair.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

No, I'm just... I was trying to be tough on you.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Oh, sorry. I didn't know that we'd started already.

Okay. Okay, great, great.

I'm glad you came to me now,

because anyone can see that you are flailing

within an inch of your damn life.

You and your whole strike four, me first,

attendance trophy, special snowflake garbage generation.

You know what?

I think I left my highlighter in the car,

and I will be right back.

Sorry, but I'm not giving up my wedding date.

You and your fiancee wouldn't even consider a swap?

I don't have a fiancee.

Oh. Boyfriend?No.

Girlfriend? Uh-uh.

Cat? I wish.

Look, if you must know, I'm marrying myself.

[LAUGHS] Okay, you got me.

I thought we were up against a real wedding.

So w..., so what's it gonna take to move this princess party?

See, and that is exactly the kind of small-minded thinking

that drove me to create my own company, FuFu Flowers.

W... What is FuFu Flowers?

It's a service for women to send themselves flowers,

because you don't need a man to appreciate a beautiful bouquet.

FuFu, "for us, from us."

So like FuBu?

I've never heard of that.

FuBu, "for us, by us." Doesn't ring a bell.

FuBu, FuFu, it's like, one letter difference.

Guys, I'm not hearing it.

Really?

Marrying myself is the perfect embodiment of the FuFu spirit.

Janine, what are you doing? No.

What are we gonna do? We can't lose this venue.

I mean, if she disappears, no one's gonna notice, right?

I mean, she doesn't even have a cat.

No, you, you catch more 'zillas with sugar.

Follow my lead.

Molly, I am loving this idea.

I can picture it now,

you standing there in a strapless, dipped, trumpet gown...

Soft curls, no veil, and no man.

I loved everything that you just said.

Can I be honest with you? You better be, sister.

Most of my friends and relatives think this is crazy.

What? That's...that's crazy. They're crazy jealous.

You know who else they said was crazy?

Who? Albert Einstein.

Yes, they did say that about him,

and he turned out to have a few very good ideas.

Mmm-hmm, now, I know you want to do all this

on your own. I get that, but planning a wedding is, is work.

Yeah.

So, why don't you let us help you,

and in exchange, you can give us our venue back.

I mean, I have always had a fantasy

that a stylish gay couple such as yourselves

would give me the ultimate wedding makeover,

and then I'd turn them, and they'd fight over me.

But we don't have to do that last part.

Well, the only problem with that is that Jake and I aren't...

Aren't backing down, because we love that idea,

because we are a gay couple,

and we love things as the gays do.

And I know my voice sounds like I'm lying,

but that's only because as a child, my throat was in an accident.

I'm excited, and I'm sorry to hear about your throat.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on. You can do this.

Studying on your own will be great.

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS] Ooh, that's nice.

Yeah. Take a second hit off that. [SNIFFS]

[DOORBELL RINGING] Oh, thank God.

Hi. Your dads told us you've had trouble finding study buddies.

We were supposed to pretend it was our idea to come help,

but we knew you'd never believe that,

so then we were in a car broke down area,

but that seemed farfetched.

Long story short, we're here,

and we're not telling you why.

Now, do you want help studying or not?

Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you.

My dads were, like, way too hot,

and Myrna was too cold, but you guys will be just right.

Yay.Yay, it'll be like college.

Yes. Let's dig in.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

GIL: Ahem.Third edition, so that's nice.

ALL: Oh, nice. You can trust it.

Those guys...[ALL LAUGHING]

Hi, boys. [ALL LAUGHING]

Hello, is that Leno?

God, it's been a long time since I studied. I kind of forgot how.

I'm ready to...

So should we start drinking?

Yeah. You know what?

Oh, that's how you do it. Whoo whoo!

I need a break just to warm into it.

Ooh, sweet!

This is how I passed my psych 101 exam

on my way to the ladies' room to go puke.

I failed psych.

Wow.

So how did the two of you meet?

Oh, uh, how did we meet? Um, at Gaylord's Indian Restaurant.

Yeah, that, that's right.

Uh, when I met Jake, he was morbidly obese,

but I managed to see past all that fat.

Thank you. I sensed some fatness.

Yeah. Really?

Mmm-hmm. Now, what are your thoughts on centerpieces?

Oh, you know...you know, Kev has some really interesting ideas

on center prizes.

Centerpieces. Centerp...

See, look at this guy. He's [LAUGHS] already on fire.

Go get 'em, Kev.

Um, well, you know,

given the choices you've already made,

I feel like a simple bamboo basket

would be both elegant, you know, and easy to take home after.

Great. Great. People love that. Yeah.

And Jake, what about these ganaches? What do you think?

Siri, take a memo. Business idea, center prizes.

Sweetie, sweetie, I feel like you're not paying attention.

Sweetie, this shouldn't be about me.

This is about Molly's galoshes. Am I right, Molly?

I thought it was.

Well, buttercup, remember on our fourth date,

when I told you to put down the muffin?

Well, I feel like we're having one of those muffin moments now.

Dr. Brandt told us we're not allowed to talk

about our muffins anymore, okay?

Dr. Brandt...So we're not gonna talk about our muffins.

Dr. Brandt is our therapist,

and he has prescribed Kevin here a ton of mood stabilizers.

No, I... No, I kind of...

It's like, he's constantly taking a lot of pills.

I don't take any pills.

Guys. [BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

Guys!

I feel like all of this bickering

is kind of getting in the way of my day, and right now,

I'm feeling less generous when it comes to the giving away of certain venues.

Would you excuse us one second?

I think it's time for Kevin to take one of his pills.

See, this is why I'm marrying myself,

because I don't need anyone to remind me to take my pills.

What are you doing?What are you not doing?

Is this how you act in your wedding meetings with Annie?

[SCOFFS] No, of course not.

Not that I go to any of them.

Or... I mean I've gone to some.

No wonder she's so bummed about this wedding planning thing.

She's bummed? I always thought she wanted to make all the decisions.

No, Jake, she wants you to be a part of it.

She just doesn't want to nag.

Really? Now, the good news is, I have no problem nagging.

So if you want to save your wedding,

you better start getting involved in this one. Okay, honeybunch?

Honeybunch? Molly's not even listening to us right now.

I am dedicated to this farce.

Oh.Let's go, sweet cheeks.

Hey. Hello.

Hi. Mmm.

I heard you guys were in need of some study supplies.

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

And this is why I love you.

Did I just hear, "I love you?"

Girl, don't trip.

Okay, guys, look,

you've been here all night, and the only thing I've learned

is the order to drink beer and liquor in.

Hey, if you need some help, I know someone who's in a citizenship study group.

Really? Of course.

There's been a spicy Latina in our midst this whole time.

Hailey, who we talking about?

Tu madre? Tu padre? Tu abuela? Un amigo? Sacapuntas?

My maid, Olga. She's Ukrainian.

And "sacapuntas" means pencil sharpener.

Just FYI, everybody, new girl's got a lot of opinions.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, that one. Thank you, Jake.

Hello.

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

Yes.Yeah!

What are we doing?

Wow. There it is. [CLAPS]

Beautiful. Like a light.

All right. There you go.

He's a keeper, honey.

Yes, he is.

I can't thank you two enough. The venue's yours.

Really? Wow.Oh, my God! Thanks.

And you know, I can only hope

that my wedding to Kevin will be as special as yours to you.

I've got myself a very special girl.

Hey, congratulations, Miss America.

I'm so proud of you.

And do you know what's awesome?

While you have becoming a citizen of what once was

the greatest country in the world...

Still okay, you know...

I have learned the true spirit of wedding-ing-ing.

Wedding-ing--ing.

Anyway, from now on,

we are going to plan our big today together.

Well, our big day's not gonna happen,

because I failed the test, and now they want to deport me.

What? I have to be a...

What?

Canadian, Jake. [SOBBING]

I have to be a Canadian.

Oh, baby.

It's so...

What is that?

Oh, that. Yeah, no, that's just our friends and family

here to celebrate your newfound citizenship.

What?

ALL: [SLOWLY] Surprise.

Thank you all for coming.

Why do you two insist on having surprise parties?

DENNAH: Are you really being deported?

How much time do you have?

Just till Friday.

And I wasn't even on their radar

until I failed this stupid test.

I mean, did you know Ben Franklin wasn't a president?

I mean, the man invented kites.

Well, don't worry.

We're gonna start one of those nationwide campaigns

like they did for that Elian Gonzalez boy.

They let him stay, though, right?

I don't know.

Deportation? That is harsh.

Well, the Canadian embassy prefers to call it a swift removal.

Such a polite people.

They are. We are.

Oh, babe.[SOBS]

You know what? Don't worry, everyone.

I think I know how to solve this.

Annie is going to become an American the American way,

by taking a lazy shortcut. We're getting married tomorrow.

What? Yes, we're getting married tomorrow.

That's crazy. What?

Wait, I, I don't have a dress,

and what do we do about food and the guests?

No, I could never pull that off.

No, you can't,

but you and I and everyone else here can.

I have a DMV appointment at 4:00.

Ah, not now, Mom, I'm, I'm talking...

I'm doing a thing. Let's sidebar it.

Wait, so we would plan it together?

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

We'll plan it together. And you know,

I mean, I know there's not a lot of time, but it's gonna be amazing.

But who are we even gonna get to officiate on such short notice?

[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

Oh, hey, guys.

Listen, I hate to be that condo board president three years running,

but technically, more than eight people is considered a party.

Julie, by any chance, do you have an officiant's license?

Oh, God, no.

I do. I'm also a licensed doula,

a certified helicopter pilot,

and a platinum member of the NRA.

[THE RONETTES BE MY BABYPLAYING]

♪ The night we met I knew I needed you so

♪ And if I had the chance I'd never let you go

♪ So won't you say you love me?

♪ I'll make you so proud of me

♪ We'll make 'em turn their heads

♪ Every place we go

♪ So won't you please

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my little baby?

♪ My one and only baby

♪ Say you'll be my darlin'

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

Marriage is not to be entered into lightly

or hurriedly or haphazardly

or under the influence of any alcohol or drugs.

We get it. We get it. Move it along.

We sure?

You know before when it sounded like I said, "I love you"?

Well, I do. Do what?

It, what I said.

I do it, too.

JULIE: Symbolizing to all the union these two now enter into.

So you're the one who's marrying yourself, right?

Don't tell anyone this. I'm getting cold feet.

Wow.

Annie, do you take Jake to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to...

I do, too. I'm... I know it's not my turn.

I'm just really excited right now.

Okay, well, you jumped a couple of my lines, but...

I now pronounce you...

[SIGHS]

Chuck and Larry. [LAUGHS] Oh.

Good one, Julie.

No. I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

ALL: Aw.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

For the first time ever, Mr. and Mrs. Schulman.

Schuffman.

Schuff--Schuffman. Mr. and Mrs. Schuffman.

Schuffman, baby!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[C&C MUSIC FACTORY'S MAKE YOU SWEAT EVERYBODY DANCE NOWPLAYING]

You know what?What's that?

This isn't the wedding I planned,

but it's the wedding I never knew I always wanted.

I love you, husband.

I love you, wife.

Hey, you know what my one regret is, though?

That The Boyz couldn't be here.

Couldn't they?

[SPOOKY POP MUSIC]

Would you please clear the dance floor for the bride and groom?

You are about to be possessed by the sounds of The Boyz.

Hit it!

[ROB BASE'S IT TAKES TWOPLAYING]

♪ Ah, yeah!

♪ B to the O to the Y to the Z!

♪ Oh, guys, guys, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Annie threw this together real fast

♪ 'Cause the feds are all over her ass

♪ She's an immigrant I'm talking illegal

♪ Go back to where you came from Our country's already full

♪ Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, take it down a notch

♪ No more white people

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Annie and Jake'll make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right

♪ It takes two to make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right

♪ It takes two to make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to make a thing go right

♪ It takes two to... It...it...it

♪ Takes two to make It...it...it

♪ Takes two to make a...

♪ It takes two to make a...

♪ It takes two to make a...

♪ It...it...it takes two to...

♪ It...it...it takes two to make...

♪ It...it...it takes two to make... ♪