Original subtitles

KAY: In the past year,

I have lost my job,

my uncle died,

and I found a raccoon in my bed.

But, Gil, this cake makes up for all that noise.

ALL: Mmm-hmm.

You're getting really good at this baking thing, man.

And that vagina cake that you made for my bachelor party,

oh, my gosh. [BLOWS KISS]

It was as tasty as it was photorealistic.

Ew.Speaking of weddings...

DENNAH: Why are you even saying "speaking of"?

It arguable draws more attention to the fact

that we weren't speaking of weddings.

Speaking of more attention to weddings...

Okay, that works.This weekend is

the Chicago Wedding Expo.

Yay! Oh.

I thought we were doing one of those

"everybody says yay" things.

Jake, you are going to "lerve" it.

Am I? There are champagne tastings,

and flower workshops, and a seminar

on how to keep your bridesmaids from porking out

but still staying chunky enough to make the bride feel skinny.

Here's looking at you two.

Oh, and Gil, they even have a wedding cake competition.

Ooh, I'm competition-ready.

I'm somewhat of a master baker.

GIL: Hold for laughs.

Who's gonna laugh first?

Hey, you know, Annie, if this wedding expo

is more of a "you, your dad,

"Gil, your other dad" sort of thing,

I'm happy to bow [INHALES] in,

which is the most respectful way to enter an expo.

You bow into it. You just...

Don't worry, Jake. I'm going too.

You know, you and I could do some cool guy stuff.

Okay.Like making our own candles.

Okay. Classic guy stuff.

Classic.Well, since I'm getting married this year,

we can finally participate in the main event.

The wedding gown...

BOTH: Grapple!

[LAUGHS] What is that?

Every bride brings her mom,

or in Annie's case, her me.

And you have 2 minutes to grapple for any gown.

And then you can buy it for a fraction of the cost.

Mmm-hmm. And that grapple is for real, all right?

Last year, a bride tore her meniscus.

I already have my gown all picked out

and the grapple's the only way I could ever afford it.

Jake, close your eyes. I'm gonna do you one better.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Ladies and gentlemen, a one-of-a-kind

strapless beaded

silk shantung Vera Wang

in eggshell, not cream, because cream is for...

BOTH: Second weddings. Ugh!

My mom wore a Garfield sweatshirt to her second wedding.

Instead of cake, they had lasagna.

To be honest, it was a whole Garfield theme.

And no, it didn't last.

It was also weird, because she had it on a Monday.

Well, I put in some quality time with my boos, my gals,

my Gils, and my Dads.

And if there isn't anything else important

to discuss, I'm gonna...

Annie, hold on. Come on.

You have to tell them.

ANNIE: Fine.

Dads...

I am thinking about getting bangs.

No, sweetie, please. Not on my watch.

Uh-uh. We've talked about this.

Annie, bangs changed my life.

Okay, it's not about bangs, okay?

Pam contacted Annie.

Pam is the woman who donated the egg

that later became the Annie.

ANNIE: She's gonna be in town this weekend,

and she thought it'd be cool to meet up if I wanted to.

But, Dads, I will not go if you're uncomfortable.

I know you guys had a weird history.

Uh, no, sweetie, it's okay.

Your Dad and I knew that this day was going to come.

And Pam is a part of who you are.

So we're happy for you.

Right, Kevin?

Yes.

Wow, super convincing.

[SINGER WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no ♪ Hey

♪ Can't hold me back

Babe, you sure you're not nervous about meeting Pam?

No. I'm totally chill.

You can call me a trapped miner, 'cause I'm so Chilean.

It's okay if you're a little freaked out.

I mean, you are sort of meeting your mom.

Yeah. When I met my mom for the first time,

I cried like a baby...

because I was a baby, and I just popped out of her!

I'm sorry. Kay likes to keep it light.

Seriously, Annie, are you okay?

Guys, I'm not meeting my mom.

I'm meeting the woman that donated an egg

that was subsequently scienced together

into a sort of soft-serve swirl

with both my dads' spunks.

[LAUGHS] Wow.

You sound like Grey's Anatomy.

Pam and I share DNA, but she is not my mom.

I mean, Jake and I share nachos all the time.

Does that make him my mom?

Well, technically, we don't share nachos.

I order them and then you eat most of them.

Hey, maybe don't do that.

Guys, don't worry about me.

I have absolutely zero emotional attachment to this woman.

Annie, you have an emotional attachment to dryer lint.

Only the lint from the sweater I wore the first time

I made love to this little angel sent from heaven.

Guys, I know that usually high-stress situations

turn me into a bit of, what Oprah would call,

an emotional tsunami,

but like I said, I'm totally chill.

Hey, honey, are we out of almond milk?

I drank it! I'm bad!

Oh, God, no, it's okay. Calm down. It's okay.

[INHALES]

[BOTH EXHALE]

ANNIE: It's a temporary slipup,

and I'm back, and I'm excited to meet Pam.

So, apropos of nothing that happened in the last 45 seconds,

I'm probably gonna come with you.

Yeah, well, I assumed you'd come with me to prescreen her.

Huh? You know, you meet Pam first,

check her out for any red flags.

'Cause if she's carrying red flags,

she's insane or plays a ton of flag football.

I'm keeping it light like Kay.

But definitely vet her. Yeah, vet her.

What am I, stupid? Come on, Jake.

I mean, act like you've helped a woman meet the woman

who donated the egg who became the woman whose boobs you love.

[MUTTERING] Think, shut...

What the hell are you doing?

It's a coping technique I just got

from this new self-help book I bought

called Think, Shut, Feel.

I'm supposed to think about my problem,

shut my mouth, feel the emotion.

Hmm. I don't know if you've noticed this, Kevin,

but in certain high-stress situations,

I can be a little bit of, what Oprah calls,

an emotional tsunami.

No, Kevin, I've never noticed you're emotional

because I don't have eyes.

You're right.

We should go and support Annie when she meets Pam.

You know, Kevin, you can't just say

"you're right" when you have an idea

that you want people to agree with.

You're right. Let's go sooner rather than later.

Okay, I'll get my coat.

Ugh. Damn it, Kevin, you did it again.

I don't get it. How are you okay with Annie meeting Pam?

She totally stabbed us in the back.

Kevin, this is good for Annie.

You have to give her the freedom to explore this.

I'm thinking maybe you might be

a little threatened by Pam,

like she's gonna replace you or something.

Uh, no. I am just trying to protect our girl.

But you're right. I'll back off.

Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm just gonna go take a little walk

to celebrate my backing off.

[SIGHS]

Pam?

Hi.Hi.

I know you're expecting Annie.Oh.

Let me explain.

I'm Jake, I'm her fiance, and I just...

Oh. [SIGHS]

I just wanted to sit down with you,

just to make sure... I wasn't a lunatic

before you let me meet your future wife?

[LAUGHS] Bingo.

[LAUGHS] Well, hey, I don't see any red flags.

You look perfectly normal.

Consider yourself vetted.

Great. Okay? Uh, Annie!

Caw-caw!

Hi.

Annie, this is Pam. Hi.

Pam, this is Annie.

Oh, my gosh. It's so nice to meet you, Pam.

Likewise.

You seem normal. And you seem so...

...great. Oh?

Actually, I'm Pam.

Oh. Hmm. This is my assistant.

You can go back to New York now.

Off she goes. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, okay.

Does she even have a name?

I had her sit with you to make sure you weren't insane.

You vetted me? I vetted you!

I'm so proud of you! Oh, my God!

I love your funky coat!Really?

I had someone do my colors.

I've always wanted to do that. I suspect I'm a winter,

but maybe a spring? Yes, you are,

because you have the dark hair

and then you have this beautiful skin, like Snow White.

Oh, my God!

My God!

Shut up!

You shut up!Both of you shut up.

Uh, oh, I was...

jumping in, but it's more your thing,

and I apologize. I'm sorry about that.

So your family has no history

of juvenile diabetes or lupus? Mmm-mmm.

Come on. Don't you really

just want to ask me how my boobs held up?

Yes. All I care about is

if Jake's gonna want a motorboat my ta's in 20.

[LAUGHS] You want a peak?

Yes! Get in here.

[GASPS] Nice!

Babe, you're gonna be happy.

Nice. [LAUGHS] You know...

I always knew that donating my egg all those years ago

was the best thing I could have done.

Because I took that money

and started my consulting company.

But getting to meet the person my egg became is even better.

This beautiful, intelligent, engaging young woman.

Aw. You called me young.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Thank you.

Annie, did you order that? No.

But it's here, and we're here. So, you know...

there's no better way to find out

if you've outgrown your shellfish allergy

than by eating a huge undercooked portion of it.

Annie's not a send-her-food-back kind of gal.

She's more of a "eat around the contact lens

"and then get a corn dog on the way home" kind of gal.

Hey, no egg of mine

should have to eat something she doesn't want.

Take this and bring this woman

her fully loaded, family-sized tater tots. [GASPS]

Wow,

Pam, you're awesome.

Gosh, thank you.

She defended her egg.

What? Who? Where? Sometimes why?

Oh, my God, look who's here.

Dads? Kevin and Kevin.

Pamela and the daughter we raised from birth.

Guys, listen, I am so sorry

that things went sideways

with us all those years ago.

I have matured. KEVIN 1: You're right.

It was a long time ago.

Right, Kevin?

Yes.

Gosh, my Dads, my egg donor,

correct food order on the way.

Best night ever.Oh.

[KAY CHUCKLES]

Gil, this cake is so good I'd eat it even if I wasn't high.

I think you're going to win this competition, buddy.

[LAUGHS]

As if the quality of the cake has anything to do with it.

You guys are such rookies.

Nobody wins things by being good.

You win things by being bad.

Very bad. KAY: What?

Maybe I am too high.

Guys, I didn't win Miss Teen Skokie

by not erasing Samantha Lemon's talent music

and not giving one of the judges a western grip HJ

in his mom's parked Saturn.

Back up, baby girl. Did you really do all that?

Were you really Miss Teen Skokie?

Yes, I was, and I did.

And I would do it again.

If you're not willing to fight dirty,

then you don't stand a chance.

So, are you in?

No, because you're insane.

It's just gonna be a bunch of little old ladies having a bake-off.

More importantly, what makes it a western grip?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Uh-bah-bah-bah.

Okay, okay, so long story short,

never wear the same pajamas

as Rosie O'Donnell to a dinner party.

[LAUGHS] She broke a size 13 Croc off in your ass.

Damn. [ALL CHEERING]

Whoa, yes! And the Bulls are up...

which is not as interesting

as your story about Rosie O'Donnell's...

...foot. Hey.

You ever seen a game from the skybox? ANNIE: No.

And I'm going to pretend I know what a skybox is.

I assume it's light blue.

Hey, James, it's Pam.

Room in the box? Great. Thank you.

Okay, we're in, but we're gonna miss

the first quarter. Do you still want to go?

I mean, it would be great to spend more time together,

but we're supposed to go to the opening night of the expo tonight.

No, no, sweetie, it's okay.

You should go. Right, Kevin?

Right?

[CHUCKLES] Yes. Of course.

Have fun, honey. And you know what?

The grapple's not till tomorrow anyway,

and that's what's really important.

What do you think? Oh, gosh.

Wedding expo, Bulls skybox. That's...

KEVIN 1: Oh, don't worry, Jake,

the candle-making is tomorrow too.

Oh, it's tomorrow? Oh, okay, great.

Then I say Bulls game it is. Okay.

JAKE: Great. [PAM LAUGHING]

Pam, wait! KEVIN 1: You know,

it seems like Pam has really changed, right?

Mmm.

Not for nothing, but your self-help technique,

it looks a lot like vogueing.

DENNAH: Annie, tell us about Pam.

Is she nice? Is she cool?Is she hot?

I'm sorry.

Don't answer that, unless you want to. Guys.

Pam is incredible. We had so much fun last night.

She came back to our casa after.

We had a few drinks.

She knows so much about wine. Yeah.

Did you know there are different varieties of red grapes?

Everybody knows that. Yeah.

What's really cool is that we're so similar.

We both have that levelheaded super-logical

non-emotional businesswoman kind of vibe.

Like surgeons, or Judge Judy. KAY: Yeah.

That sounds so like you.

Like yesterday, when you cried over croutons.

They're baby bread.

Hi.

ALL: Hey!

I brought bagels.

Well, I brought more bagels.

[LAUGHS] Listen...

I had a lot of fun with Pam.

Mmm-hmm. And she's only in town

till Monday.

Is it cool if I invite her to the expo,

since you guys made up and all?

Oh, of course, babe.

You think Dad will be okay with it?

Yes.

Great! I'm gonna call her. Mmm. Okay.

Hey, Jake, thanks for looking out for Annie during all of this.

She says it's not a big deal,

but I know that meeting Pam is really important to her.

Oh, no problem at all.

I mean, you know, Pam's great.

And it's nice to have somebody in Annie's family

who likes to talk about sports.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you were serious.

Well, I guess you don't think the Westminster Dog Show is a sport.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you were serious.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]DENNAH: All right, Gil...

Sure you want to just go in there

and play by the rules like some kind of sissy that sits down to sissy?

Hey, standing makes me tired. But yes.

I don't need any of your trickery.

My cake's tight.

I almost feel sorry for these little old ladies.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, are you gonna be like,

"Don't let the door hit you in the balls on the way out.

"The tennis balls on the bottom of your walker,

"you old bag of beans!"

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

Quite the ageist rant.

GIL: What the...

Where are all the old ladies?

Excuse me.

Is this the cake competition?

Yeah, you're in the right place.

But you're gonna end up in last place.

Whoa, are you Top Chef's Michael Voltaggio?No.

No, I'm your worst nightmare's Michael Voltaggio.

And I've won this competition three years in a row.

No one's gonna take this title from me.

Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Well, on the one hand,

I'm like, "Cool, free switchblade."

Then of course on the other hand, I'm like, "I'm terrified."

And then if I add that elusive third hand,

I'd be like, "Go get Voltaggio's autograph. You still love him."

You know how Dennah's only right once a year?

Today might be the day, big boy.

Oh, God, I hope not.

Just give me the word, Gil. Do you want to win?

[SIGHS] Yeah, I want to win.

Okay. Presentation is a big part of the score.

So...

Ow.

Oh, what am I supposed to do, make a wish?

I wish to win the competition. [BLOWS]

No. I want you to put this hair on Voltaggio's cake.

You got to mess with his presentation.

I didn't win Miss Junior Skokie by not splashing paint

on Tiffany Stoller's poise and appearance gown.

Fine. I'll do it.

[SIGHS]

You're almost as hard to follow in person as you are on Twitter.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

JAKE: Wow, this place is no joke.

I just saw a girl in a helmet.

What? They're allowing helmets this year?

Hey, organizers, how about you send a group e-mail

to let us know the rules have changed?

Who are you talking to?

Hey, Dad! Whoo! Hey. You ready?

Where's Dad? Oh, he's right here.

Hey, Jake.

How about those Chicago Bulls? Yeah.

Yeah, how about them?

Jersey looks a little strange

with a purple sweater draped over it.

It's lavender. Focus.

When that whistle blows, we are no longer humans.

We are terminators

who have been programmed

to get that Vera Wang at all costs.

Annie, you were right.

Pam is amazing.

And hot.

Hello, Pamela. It is so very nice

to see you today.

Hello, Kevin.

Wow, I'm so proud of you. You almost sound sincere.

Oh, hey, babe, the wedding gown grapple is about to start.

Yeah. I don't want you to see my dress.

So, I'm here because...

I'm the light of your life?

Okay. Have fun. Get one of these.

Jake, the candle-making booth I'm taking you to

is the Michael Jordan of candle-making booths.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] [GASPS] This is it.

Brides, grab your moms,

because we're starting in three, two, one!

Go!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Annie! Brides and mothers only.

You have to let me in there.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Hey, girls, break it up.

Excuse me, excuse me, my mom... Well...

My Dad, but he has court-ordered maternal rights.

He didn't make it in.

Every bride only gets one other person.

And isn't that your mom over there?

Hey, what do you think about this one?

Oh, my God! That's the dress!

So this woman with the one-of-a-kind

Vera Wang is not your mom?

Hey, lady, put the dress back.

No, no, that's not my mom... I mean...

That...that woman is my Mommy.

Oh. That's my Mommy.

Hi, Mommy. Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Oh, my God.

Get the hell away from my daughter!

Kevin! Did she hurt you?

No! Relax.

You relax, Pam. Oh.

Look, I found it, Annie. I did.

Me. I found the Vera Wang.

Daddy found the Vera...

[IN DEEP VOICE] ...Wang![FABRIC RIPPING]

[IN DEEP VOICE] No!

[GASPS]

Uh, we can... we can fix this.

Oh, my God. We can fix this.

Totally fix this.

The Wang. It's ruined!

I am so sorry for your loss.

Okay, buddy, you're out of here!

Oh, no. No, no, no. Oh, yeah.

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS] Tough break on the dress.

[MOANS]

You know, my consulting firm

does some work in fashion.

I might be able to see if I can get you something similar.

Really? Yeah.

That would be amazing. Thank you.

Listen...Hmm.

I do feel like I need to apologize for my dad.

He's just being protective. I know his heart is in the right place.

Oh, don't sweat it. Kevin has always been this way.

Totally. I mean, he's not tough and levelheaded and logical like us.

Annie, you and I see the world in the exact same way,

which is why I don't have to sugarcoat the real reason

I wanted to meet up with you.

I want one of your eggs.

Egg? I'm sorry.

Egg...what...what... What egg now?

I'm engaged to this terrific woman named Jean,

and Jean wants kids, you know?

So, we need your egg.

Oh. Huh.

Oh, yeah, I'll pay you and everything.

I mean, just think of it as a business thing.

We don't need to stay in touch or anything.

Of course.

[CHUCKLES] Right. Right!

Because why would you want to start a relationship with me,

or, like, watch Beaches over Skype together?

[LAUGHS] Beaches.

I love this idea. I do.

And, um, you know what?

I could not like an idea more.

I'm dropping eggs every month,

so it's, like, it's no bigs.

But let's table this idea for right now.

I'm just going to run and check on my daddy-os.

I got my checkbook.

You know, I'm digging this candle-making thing.

You're not that good at it. Oh.

Hey, basketball score. Two credits. Ugh.

Hey, guys. Hi.

We thought we'd stop by

and give you a little moral support.

Plus, black Kevin loves cake.

Well, sorry, no morals here.

Nothing moral at all.

You know what, Kay, Dennah?

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

What?

Everybody, pay attention to me.

When I first entered this contest,

I had but two things on my mind. Cake...

and friendship.

But somewhere along the way,

the pubin' started.

Oh, God.

I put pubes in Voltaggio's cake.

Then I went over and started pubin'

that guy's cake.

I mean, if there's a cake

in this room, it's got pubes on it.

At the height of my activities, you would have been

within your rights to refer to me as Mark Pubin.

The point is,

this thing shouldn't be about these devious little tricks.

It should be about the cake.

And the friendship.

[SLOW APPLAUSE] MAN: Yeah.

[CLAPPING INCREASES]

Now, judge, just taste the cakes and...

You're disqualified.

[EXHALES] That makes sense.

Mmm.Oh, that's too bad.

Because I think Gil's cake

is the Michael Jordan of cakes.

Oh, God, Kevin,

what is with the jersey and the Michael Jordan references?

Well, I guess my feelings were hurt

when you got so excited that Pam got you Bulls tickets.

All right, well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come over to our house tonight,

we'll order a pizza, we'll watch the game.

Oh, that's so sweet. One caveat.

I'm several seasons behind on basketball right now,

and the only pizza I enjoy is Mystic.

Oh, Annie. What happened? Where's Pam?

Did you get the dress? Did she ask about me?

You told her I'm down for whatever, right?

The only thing I got was in a fight with Dad,

and cinnamon sugar Wetzel's on the way back.

Aw, you gonna be okay, sweetie?

Do you want a hug from Daddy?

Actually, could you guys do me another favor?

Could you find Pam and tell her

I'm not gonna give her my egg.

I got to find Dad. I will explain everything later. Thank you in advance!

What...

What happened? We were literally away from her for 8 minutes.

[MUMBLES]

Did you put pubes in your own cake?

I wanted to keep it fair.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[SIGHS] Dad.

Listen, I'm...

No, I am. You know, it's...

Been tough on me, too. But listen, Pam...

Did she ask you for an egg? How did you...

She's always been... I mean...

Exactly. I thought she was

actually interested in me,

but she just wanted a business relationship.

Now I know how Kris Humphries feels.

Pam did the exact same thing to us.

You know, when your Dad and I picked her to be our egg donor,

we thought she was going to be like family.

But then she turned it into an ugly business deal,

you know, with contracts and lawyers and shoulder pads.

It was the '80s.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

And I'm so sorry I ruined your dress.

No, I'm sorry.

And, Dad, I hope you know

you're the only mom I'll ever need.

Hmm. I love you.

I love you, too.

You want a cracker? They're only 30 calories. Ooh.

All good?

All good.KEVIN 1: Sweetie...

I know things didn't work out with Pam

the way you expected,

but you should know the reason we chose her as our donor

is because we knew you would have two mushy dads.

And we needed an egg with bite.

Aw.Look how great you turned out.

Yeah.

Well, the hunt for the dress continues.

You know, actually,

when I was being forcibly removed

from the grapple,

I was able to grab this.

Ooh. Pants!

I thought it was a Monique Lhuillier,

but it's actually a Mo'Nique,

the actress/comedienne.

It's from a line of wedding loungewear

that her former assistant had made in Canada

without her knowledge or her permission. Oh, God.

KEVIN 2: But look how snappy it is.

"We keep big girls comfy on their big day, girl."

The hunt for the dress continues.