All language subtitles for Marry.Me.S01E09_English

Ugh, I am so tired
of buying gifts

for Libby and
what's-his-name's baby.

That thing's had
more showers than Gil.

Because I take baths.

Sitting in the shower
is not a bath.

Ooh, should we get them
this creepy teddy bear
nanny cam

that my ex used to
have in his bathroom
I'm just realizing?

I already got this
for them for
their first shower.

Or was that the third?

Which one had
the make your
own soup?

Well, they're just
super psyched
about this baby

'cause it took them
a while to conceive,

which is ironic considering

what's-his-name
is a fertility doctor.

Don't get high
on your own supply.

In this instance,
he's getting high
on embryos?

I didn't think it through.

$18 for training nips?

Why do we keep going
to these people's stuff
and buying 'em stuff?

We don't even
like 'em, right?
Nope.

Can't stand 'em.
I borderline hate them.

Why don't we just
stop being friends
with them?

Well, actually,
we can't do that
yet because...

Tell them.

We have an appointment
with doctor what's-his-name
this week

because Jake and I
are getting
our junk tested.

(GASPS)

We have decided
to start thinking
about talking about...

Being prepared
for a time in the future

when we may
want to consider

starting to talk
about having kids.

Yup. That's the
language we
landed on.

Congratulations.
Wow.

Yeah, you know, I mean,
we're both north of 30.

Don't have to define
that any further.
I don't want to.

And getting an appointment
with doctor what's-his-name

just seemed like
a good precaution
for when we are ready,

so that kid'll
conceive up
real nice.

Yeah, and
don't worry, guys.

I will give you
a full report on
my man chowder next week.

Well, I sincerely
hope it's not
Manhattan.

Guys, I also
have huge news.

Oh.
I'm getting a new
driver's license.

Yeah, can't tell you

how important
this photo is, gang.

So what do you think?

Down with
beachy waves
or more of,

like, a classy up-do?

Whoa, what the hell
is that on your neck?

What do you mean?

Oh, my God.
What is that?

It's definitely something.

I mean,
it could be nothing,

but that kind of nothing
is usually something.

You should get it
checked out.

Really? I'm sort
of in between
insurances.

At the shower, why don't you
have doctor what's-his-name
take a look at it?

Yes, perfect.
He'll probably tell me
that it's nothing.

I know we all keep
throwing around
"What's his name",

but what is his name?

Ooh, Dr. Berman.

What's his first name?
I want to say Henry.

So wait, none of you
know his name either?

I didn't catch it at first,
and then I felt bad.

So I've just been
going heavy
with the "doctor",

and "doc",
and "dock, dock,
who's there?

"It's you,
'cause you're
a doctor."

And here we are
11 months later,
and I got nothing.

Wait a second.
It's Mark. No, Steve.

Or Steve?
Steve.

Glen.

Maybe. Ben or Barn.

Is it Barn?
No. Is it...
Could it be Bourne?

I don't think it's Barn.

Marf?
(DOORBELL RINGING)

Is his name Marl?

Ooh, ah.

Is there a world
where his name
could be resident?

I'm kidding, of course.

"Residarnt."

Dr. Residarnt Berman?
Hey!

Jake, Annie,
Dennah, Kay, Gil.

The good doctor.
Doc Hollywood.

Doctor Jekyll
and Mrs. Hyde.

KAY: Paging Dr. Gorgeous.

* Doctor's in the house

* Doctor's
in the hou-wow-wow-se

ALL: * Doctor's in the house

* Doctor's in the house

You got some mail.
Yeah.

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, no, hey

* Can't hold me back

* Can't hold me back
from you *

And this is the nursery.

Oh, neat.

You guys are really
leaning into
the owl theme.

Owl sheets,
owl humidifier.

Taxidermied owl
staring menacingly
from that branch.

Ah.
Well, this was the owl room

before we got pregnant,

and we were
just like,
"Hey, if it ain't broke..."

(LAUGHS)
Well, that tracks.

Oh, Annie, will you help
me cut the owl cake?

Whooooo wouldn't
want to help with that?

Sorry, that was
really stupid.

No, I love comedy.

She really does.
Mmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?
What? It's after 1:00.

You got a sperm test
coming up tomorrow, man.

Those little guys
can't swim under
the influence.

They're not Michael Phelps.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that.

Alcohol can seriously
affect your numbers.
You drink a lot?

Ah, one to two beers
two to three times a night.

Ooh, I'm really glad
you're coming in.

If there's a problem,
it's best to find out
as soon as possible.

Wait, what do you mean,
a problem?

Oh, standard unusable
semen stuff.

People are always
so worried about
the woman's eggs,

but most of the
problems I've seen,

they've been on
the guy's side.

I blame the
whole cell phone
in the pants thing.

Well, that and weed.
Oh, boy.

Not to mention
poor diet,

high testicular
temperature,
lack of exercise.

Do you work out?

Yes. Yes, I do.
I ride a bike.

And do you wear
the proper
spandex shorts?

Of course.
Ugh.

Oof. Again.

Tight pants and bike seats
just are a recipe
for a semen funeral.

I mean, seriously,
picture, like,
a mass grave of semen.

No, I don't
want to do that.

I'm sorry!
I'm freaking you out.

A little bit.
I'm freaking you out.
I'm sorry.

Libby says I've got
the worst bedside
manner.

She's right.

Listen, the important thing
is whatever happens
with the results,

you're gonna be fine
as long as you
don't blame each other.

But I mean, you guys
communicate
really well, I can tell.

Listen, I will
see you tomorrow.

In the meantime,
do yourself a favor.

No yanky the tanky.

Okay, thanky.

You need a full load.

Oh, hey, honey bun.

Mwah.

You should see
what Dennah got us.

Oh, yeah?
It's a bath towel.

However, when
worn correctly,

it gives the impression
that our baby is an owl.

Ah! What will
they think up next?

Hey, Dr. Berman.

Please, that's
my mom's name.

Call me Dr. Berman.
(LAUGHS)

Quickie doctor question
for ya.

I got this skin thing
on my neck, and...

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I'm a reproductive
specialist,

and rarely are reproductive
problems located on the neck.

Not to mention
I'm about five Bellinis deep
right now, so I'm...

Oh, well, I'm sure
it's probably
nothing anyway.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Some nothings
are actually something.

I would definitely get it
checked out.

Hey, Bellini lady.

Oh, me, too.

Hey.

Okay, doctor
what's-his-name

just pointed at me
from across the room

and said, "I can't wait
to get a look
under your hood."

What?
And I'm gonna say...

I'm gonna say
what everybody
else is thinking.

That baby looks like
a pile of wet wash cloths
with beady eyes.

Yeah, it's like, "Honey,
I shrunk the Don Rickles."

Totally.

Let's just take
this fertility test,

and never hang out
with them again.

Yes, totally, absolutely.

After Tuesday, it's like,
"See you later, weirdos."

Yeah, you mean Monday.

Tomorrow. Yeah.

Wait, what?

Tomorrow?

No, my tomorrow's packed.

I can't do...
I can't do it tomorrow.

I'm... I swear
you told me Tuesday.

No, it's always
been Monday.

Huh, that's so weird.
(LAUGHS)

Isn't that weird?
Well, we'll have
to reschedule.

That's fine. Oh, but wait,
we're about to hit autumn,

and you know
my autumns.

They're packed.
Wait, Jake,

it's so hard to get
an appointment
with this guy.

What do you have tomorrow
that's so important?

I'm...out of town,
you know?

I-I need to take
my mom's car...

(DEEP EXHALE)

To Detroit.

What?
Wait, what is
happening?

Like, two minutes ago,
I left you here.

You were really excited
about taking the test,

and now, you're...
No, I'm super excited.

I just can't
do it tomorrow,

and I'm gonna own that,
you know?

And honestly,
I'm stick to
my stomach about it.

I am sick to
my stomach.

I could just vomit
into this crib,

and there's a version here
where you don't even have

to be angry at me because
I am so angry at
myself right now.

I'm like, "Ah, Jake,
why you gotta be
such a so-and-so

and this and that,"
you know?

And I hear you
loud and clear,

and message received,
and, like, "Bad, Jake.

"What's the...how...just
start writing things down."

That's the thing,
I think, you know?

Just get a...
Put things
in a google doc.

What?

MAN: (ON TV)
Tonight, at 11:00,
the world's deadliest sniper

finally breaks his silencer.

Oh, my God.

The news has been
so good lately.

Yeah.

Annie, what's wrong?

Jake's acting weird,

and not his usual
shame-eat-a-lean-cuisine
in-the-middle-of-the-night-

then-hide-the-plastic-tray
in-the-bathroom-garbage-weird.

Like, weird, weird.

Yeah, 'cause that first one
was totally normal weird.

Well, we were in the nursery,

and he seemed excited
about this fertility stuff,
like, taking the next step.

But then I leave
for two minutes,

and when I came back,

he said he's busy
the day of the appointment.

Well, maybe the baby shower
made him think about kids,

and that freaked him out.

I think doctor what's-his-name
said something to him,

and I wish I could
figure out what it was

because then
I could fix my guy.

Well, baby girl,
why don't you just
look at the footage?

What do you mean?
What footage?

If he was in the nursery,

then so is the
creepy nanny cam
I gave him two showers ago.

Yes. Oh, my God, yes.

Instant replay
like on sports.

Here, call Libby.

(PHONE BEEPING)

Hello?
Libby, Libbster, Liberace.

Hey, girl, it's Annie.

I just wanted to say
we had the best time today.

It was a real hoot,
and, yeah, pun intended.

Annie, you using
that owl pun
means the world to me.

Aww, any whoooo,

seriously,
somebody stop me.

Stop.
All right.

Well, sister to sister, do
you ever feel like emotionally

your man is clamming up,
and you don't know why?

Oh, been there city.

Population, me every day.

You know, one time...
Yeah, totally.

The thing is I think
the answer to my problem

might be found
on your nanny cam.

Any chance I could get
my peepers on that old thing?

Of course!
You know what's funny?

We are gonna watch
the nanny cam
ourselves after dinner.

We just want to see everyone's
great candid reactions
to the owl nursery.

So I'll be sure to
pay special attention
to the Jake scenes.

Cool, cool.

Talk to you later, Liberace.

Get your damn purse.
What's happening?

They're about to
watch that tape.

We got to go now.
Why?

I may have said
some terrible
things about her

and her baby
and her husband,

and Jake may have called
her baby Don Rickles,

and as I'm saying that aloud,

I realize I should've
piled on with
Don Wrinkles.

So you're saying
if someone spit out
a bad bite of steak tartare

into a baby blanket
and stuffed it behind
an owl-themed dresser,

that would also be
on that tape?

Of course
that's what I'm saying.

Then let's go get the tape.

One gumball
for the road.

We don't have time!
Go, go, go, go.

Okay, so I did
some research,

and I found out
a bunch of ways
to up my sperm count.

Just want to be
on record...

I don't love having a public
in-depth about your sperm,

but I'll do it because
I owe you from that time

we had a public in-depth
about my sperm.

Thanks.
It should be pretty easy.

Just have to
stop drinking,

then hang upside down
every morning

for about
a half an hour,
eat 11 avocados a day,

switch to boxer shorts
despite the
unsightly boxer lines,

and then just act like
I'm busy for eight
months to a year

until I can pad
my stats sufficiently.

Sounds reasonable.

Barkeep, can I have
another bag of ice
for my balls, please?

Thank you.

Buddy, if you're worried
about your sperm count,

why not just go
to the appointment where

they'll let you know
if you should be worried
about your sperm count?

Be on my side, bro.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
my bodega lady

has promised to
practice santeria
on my genitals.

Do you approve of that?

Sure?

Oh, my neck thing
still hasn't gone away.

I yelped the dermatologist
what's-his-name suggested.

He's, like,
3 1/2 money signs.

What am I,
made out of
money signs?

Let me tell you.

My uncle, Jim
didn't get something
checked out once.

Two weeks later,
we buried him.

To be fair, the thing
he didn't get
checked was his oil,

and we were
burying him in
sand up to his chin

on a family trip
to St. Thomas.

So he's all right?
Sadly, no.

He did pass away
soon after.

Cancerous mole.
Oh, God.

Yeah, he was driving
his beloved pet mole
to chemo

and he got in
a huge car wreck
and died.

Long story short,
he should've gotten
his oil checked,

and you need to pony up
and get that thing checked.

Oh, no.

Ring the doorbell!

I've been to a house before!
Just...

(WHISPERING)

(DOOR RINGING FRANTICALLY)

(FRANTIC WHISPERING)

Hey, hey.
Hey.

Did you guys
watch the nanny cam
video yet?

Uh...no.
No, not yet.

We brought raw toast.
It's just bread.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

May we come in?
Ah.

You are so sweet.

So I'm sorry,
what are you
guys doing here?

You guys are
new parents,
and you're so busy.

We just wanted to bring
you some food.

Aw.
Bread for us?

Okay, I'll be honest.

We have an ulterior motive.

We just had to get one
more glance at
that sweet pea,

cutie booty back there.
Aww.

I understand.
So why don't you
all get up on that toast

while we go
peep that thing.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!

(LAUGHING)

It's right there,
it's right there.
Hey.

Oh! You guys
are coming, too.

Well, hey,
more the merrier.

Annie, why don't
I hold your backpack

while you do one
of your famous blessings
on the baby.

I'm wearing this backpack

because we just came
from some light camping.

They didn't ask us
any questions.

Well, sometimes,
I think it's good
to explain.

Okay, so one
of my famous blessings.

There's so many.
It's like, which one,
you know?

I'm like, "I could
do that one" or
"I could do that one."

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna need both
the parents to
step over here

facing me, of course.

(BABY FUSSING)

Aww.
Isn't he adorable?

Okay, now please
close your eyes.

Keep 'em closed.

Libby, I'm watching you.

Okay, I will now lay hands
on the child to bless it,

not strike it.

Dear lord,
hey, what's up?

(GIGGLES)
Hey, hey, lord.

Lord beeth with us

as we calleth upon thee
to bless-eth this-eth baby.

Lord... Lord

please be with this
child and his mother

and his mother's milk.

Milk, lemonade,
around the corner,
fudge is made.

Yes, yes, yes.

Lord, if you see
something,
say something.

Because saying
something is good.

God is good, too.

(CLATTERING)
Oh!

Baby, baby.
(SNAPS)

What a cute baby.

(SNAPS)
Ooh, baby, baby.

Ooh, cutie baby.
Ooh, baby, baby.

You pushed it.
You pushed it real good.

(LAUGHING)

All right,
I think that's
enough, guys.

We have to leave
at some point.

But amen and hallelujah.

* Amen

* Amen
* Amen

* In the water
* Amen

* On the mountain,
on the mountain

* In the water

We're Jewish.

Everyone's always worried
about the woman's eggs,

but most of the problems
I've seen,

they've been on
the guy's side.

I blame the
whole cell phone
in the pants thing.

Oh, no.
That's what happened.

What's-his-name
scared my little Jakey,

and now he thinks
he's not gonna be
able to have kids.

Aw, sweet baby's
scared his glue
don't stick.

And that's what
he didn't want to tell me.
Oh, my God.

You just need to talk
to your maybe baby daddy.

I do.

And is it just me
or do we look really good
in this grainy footage?

Oh, my God, so good.

You should
make a sex tape.

Absolutely.

I should direct it.
No, thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
Oh, Gil?

Where is Jake?

I don't know.

Gil, I know you know.

Actually, you
don't know I know.

You can't possibly know
what I know or don't know.

Okay, please, look,
it's really important.

Jake's upset,
and I finally
figured out why.

Fine, but you can never
tell him I told you.

We did not have
this conversation.

Of course.
He's right here.

Hey, get that semen zapper
away from my girls, man.

(WHISPERS) It's Annie.
What!

She's on the phone.
I don't want...

Take the phone!
It's your fiancee.

(FRANTIC WHISPERING)

Ow! Ah, ah, ah.

JAKE: You okay?
GIL: Get away from me!

Hey, Annie.

I'm sorry, babe,
I can't hear you.

Mom just rolled
down a window.

Okay, honey,
please come home.

Ah, I wish I could,
but I'm halfway
to Detroit.

Do you want me
to pick you up
anything?

Property?

Look,
I saw the nanny
cam footage,

and you do not have
to go to that
doctor's appointment.

Just please come home.

Wow, that's a deep
crotched pant.

I feel like a webbed toe.

Oh, babe, come here.

Babe, I know you're scared
your junk might be junky,

but I'm scared, too.

I mean, what if it's me
that can't have kids?

What if I find out
it's just tumbleweeds
down there?

It seems like more
of a grooming issue,
but...

Yeah, I mean, I could
use just a general
scale back down there.

There is a lot going on,
but I like it.

Honestly,
there's more a chance

that I'm the problem,
anyways.

Well, that would be
my fault, too.

I mean, the only reason
we're in this
hypothetical mess

is because
I waited so long

to start thinking about
talking about

being prepared
for a time when we may
want to get engaged.

So if either of us
can't have kids,

it's probably because of me.

What? Jake, no,
we're engaged now.

If there's a problem,
then it's our problem,

and we'll figure it out
together, right?

Right.

I'm sorry I've been
acting so weird lately.

I mean, what can I say?
It's my testicles.

I wish you could
see them the
way I see them.

I wish I could, too.

So how sorry are you?

I'm very, very, very sorry.
Very sorry.

Yeah, really sorry.

Yeah? Then why
don't you whip it out
and make it up to me?

Done and done.

Ah, hello.
Hi, sir.

We're here to see
Dr. Berman.

Dr. B.
Well, great.

Which Dr. Berman?
Which doc...

There's a few.
Oh, come on!

Which doctor...

Okay, directory.
Wow.

Lots of Bermans.
Wow, wow, wow.

Todd Berman,
Berman Podiatry.

Babe, we know
it's not that.

No, it can't be that.
Sherry Berman.

Mike, Mike Berman.
Mike Berman.
It's totally, Mike.

It's totally Mike.
It sounds so right.

I swear I said "Mike"
at some point.

You did.
I did.

You did. Yeah,
Dr. Michael Berman.
Michael.

Hello.

I'll be with you in a second.
Okay.

What are you here for?

Here to give a sample.
Got to get my boys
checked out.

Well, cups
are in the restroom.

Leave it on the counter
when you're done.
Thank you.

Well, wish me luck.
Good luck.

Yeah, I need
a little inspiration.

Get out of here, buddy.
You're on your own in there.

Just one little shot.
No.

Please?
All right.

Yeah, okay. Let's go.
All right.

(SMACKING)
Ooo.

I'm gonna use that.
Okay.

(BABY CRYING)

All right, let's go.

All right, Tyler,
get the seat.

Time for the doctor, kids.

Uh-oh.

This is a
pediatrician's office.

Jake? Jake.

Jake, please open the door.

Oh, the guy's got
an amazing physique
for a piano teacher.

Jake, please open the door.
What's going on?

Jake, please open the door.
Please... Ma'am!

Oh, don't worry.

Kids lock themselves
in there all the time.

No. Jake, open the door.

Thank you, thank you.
No.

We're all set.
We're all set.

Uh, pardon me.

Oh...ha ha!
Jake!

Please listen to me...
Hey, little buddy.

Oh, occupied!

Occupied!

Why is there
a clown in here?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Wow.
Wow is right.

Question, why did
you take your shoes off?

I like to get comfy,
and I'm riddled
with shame.

Hey!

Hey, Doctor, you.

The one and only
Jake and Annie.

There you guys are.
You're late.

There you are,
one of the many Dr. Bermans
in this building alone.

I know, it's crazy, yes.

There's, like,
a dozen of us.

Annie, Jake, Doctor.

Doctor.
Doctor.

Wait, what are you
guys doing here?

Well, Dennah needs to get
her death neck checked out.

Obviously, we're all
on pins and needles.

Sold two of my bags
and my favorite
Air Jordans,

but I got to put
my health first.

I'm kind of scared.

That's what you
were talking
about yesterday?

Yeah.
Hmm.

Uh... I'm pretty sure

that is just dirt, yeah.

What?
No.

Dirt?
Uh-huh.

I don't accept that,
and I won't allow it.

Classic Dennah...

Freaking out
about nothing.

You're the one
who made me freak out.

Damn it, Gil.

Not for nothing girl,
but you should shower more.

I shower a lot.

Showering is my favorite,

but I'm using
this new organic
soap-free body wash.

It's basically
just spring water
and yam zest.

I should probably
switch back to
a bar of soap.

You probably should,
considering

you almost
got a biopsy
on schmutz.

I got to see if I can buy
my Air Jordans
back from Kay.

I'm sorry,
Dennah, wait up.

I said I was sorry!

So this is big.

You guys
ready to do this?

Yes, we're ready.

Can't wait.

Here we are.

(WHISPERS) Jake.
Of course, Jake Berman.

(WHISPERING)
What? Jake.

Jake Berman.

Hey, Jake, Jake.

I'm sorry, have you
not known my name
all this time?

Yeah, no. Uh...

No, what's the right answer?

Wow, guys.

Does that mean
the appointment
is off?

Wow.

Jake!
He has the same name as me.

That's my name.
I'm Jake.

My name is Jake.
Don't forget the obvious.

Well, should
we go have sex?

Yeah, I'm gonna
need a minute.