Original subtitles

[THUNDER CRACKING]

ANNIE: A toast. JAKE: A toast.

Thank you all for making this,

the sixth anniversary of our first date, so special.

Who better to celebrate with than old friends

and new acquaintances? Liam, welcome.

Brilliant to meet you all, by the way.

Dennah was right. Bunch of wankers.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I didn't get a word of it. Me neither.

Got to admit, when Dennah first told us

she was seeing a doctor,

I just assumed she was finally doing something

about those earrings she swallowed.

Hey, in the middle of the night,

everything feels like a Xanax.

Oh, that's all right, love.

My mum once sleep-ate a dog's dinner.

Wow, you are hard British.

So here's to our last date-iversary.

Due to our upcoming nuptials, date TBD, ASAP, BTW,

we can now finally retire this date forever.

R.I.P. Good riddance.

Thank yeezus,

because your date-iversary is cursed as hell.

Whoa. I mean, I know there might have been

the occasional incident through the years,

but I don't think it's cursed.

[COUGHING]

The soy. I'm...

[COUGHING] I'm allergic.

Oh, my gosh! Wait, wait, wait. I have an EpiPen.

You have a what?

Oh! [BLEEP]

Bruce!

Oh, my God, Springsteen live is a religious ex...

[HORSE WHINNIES] Aah!

Calabasas, baby. Calabas.

Aah!Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't wait to try this bread pudding.

Oh, we just ran out of bread pudding.

BOTH: What?

Wow, that dress leaves just enough

to horny up the imagination.

And your hair... What?

This little two-hour, $200 Brazilian blowout?

[SCREAMS]

Aah! [ALARM BLARING]

Oh, my God! Oh, oh.

Oh, my God! Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Merely an unfortunate string of coincidental events.

You're cursed, lady lumps.

Actually, for what it's worth,

that bread pudding bistro closed down

after they found rat droppings... In the recipe.

So, us not eating it was a blessing, not a curse.

Not to mention tonight has gone off without a curse...

[STUTTERS] H-h-h-hitch.

And I even made it through the whole dinner

without breaking my wedding diet,

despite Kay bringing these sin-famous oatmeal bars.

Uh, we're not on your wedding diet.

Those were imported.

I saved up all my points for dessert.

It's okay.

Raise your glasses to our last date-iversary,

and here's to breaking the curse,

not that there ever was a curse.

You'll like this one, Liam.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Cheers.

ALL: [BRITISH ACCENT] Cheers.[THUNDER RUMBLING]

ALL: Oh! Oh!

ANNIE: Oh, Jake, grab a flashlight.

JAKE: We don't own a flashlight. [LOUD THUD]

JAKE: Oh, my God!LIAM: Oh, bollocks! My leg!

JAKE: Oh! Ow!

DENNAH: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Ow! Oh...

[GROANING]

No flashlights in there.

Everybody relax.

It was just the circuit breaker.

Wow, thanks, Gil. How did you...

I can see in the dark.

Years of light sensitivity training,

due to years of not paying my power bill.

You all right, Liam?

Slight sprain, I'm afraid.

Sorry, Liam, I tried to warn you about the annicursery.

Whoa, no.

It's date-icursery. I mean, date-iversary.

And despite this minor power outage,

resulting in little more than...

You eating out of the trash like a raccoon?

Well, they're highly intelligent animals

with opposable thumbs, so I take that as a compliment.

The point is, there's no curse.

[ALL CELL PHONES CHIMING]

"Tornado warning. Seek shelter now"?

You got to be [BLEEP] kidding me.

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no

♪ Hey

♪ Can't hold me back

♪ Can't hold me back from you ♪

[WIND HOWLING]

This says we need to seek shelter below ground now.

Guys, I'm scared.

Kitten, I'm sure they're just being overly cautious.

[TREE BRANCH CRACKS]

Oh, no! Not tree-once.

Okay, people, please remain calm.

[GRUNTS]

I keep a B.O.B. strategically located in each of your homes

for emergencies such as this.

What? B.O.B.

A bug-out bag? Hello?

Wait, Gil, you're a doomsday prepper?

We prefer "survival-istas."

Okay, everybody, grab bottled water,

nonperishable food items and batteries,

and let's go before we all end up storm meat.

I can't believe I'm taking orders from a guy

the Chicago Tribune called a cab

to get him home safely when they found him

in their lobby on shrooms.

[CHUCKLES] Nobody? Nothing?

No time. No time for it.

Now, let's move out! Okay, let's move.

Come on, go! Go!

Is this absolutely necessary?

DENNAH: Oh, thanks, Gil.

Don't mention it, milady.

Jake, get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Okay. I already opened it, but...

You know, I've never seen this side of Gil before. He's so...

Coherent? Awake?

In charge...

Like Charles,

the guy who runs my booty boot camp.

Okay, forget about Gil. Let's talk about Liam.

When's the last time you were with a nice guy like that?

Nineteen-ninety-never? [BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, seriously, Den, your track record with dudes is ah-not great.

The helicopter DJ, the hologram denier, Lamar Odom.

D-bags, degenerates, d-listers.

[BOTH LAUGHING] Stop it!

[LAUGHS]

Hilarious.

[WIND HOWLING]

Is anybody getting reception down here?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Damn curse.

Hey, no. We're not gonna let a little storm get us down.

You guys, let's have fun.

Oh, I know. We can play Candy Land.

Aah! More like spider land.

Oye! Ah!

Okay, everybody, let's get down to business.

We're going to be here a while,

so this is your toilet.

This is the kitchen.

Do not confuse the toilet and the kitchen,

or you're going to have to go running to this guy.

[TAPPING]

Puke bucket.

Maybe we should slap a label on those.

Get a marker. Something.

I don't know. I think it's pretty clear.

Got the kitchen, toi...

You...

Kitchen, toi...

You already mixed them up. Okay.

Whoever needs to go to the bathroom first,

go in one of these.

And then that'll be the toilet from here on out. Yes?

Is there a chance we would eat our own [BLEEP]

You know what, let's just start using them,

and it'll organically sort itself out.

Now, we need to do a complete inventory of our supplies.

Okay. So fan out

and look for anything we can drink,

eat, or sharpen.

I found something we can drink, I think.

"Cabernet soy-vignon"?

America's first and last soy protein wine cooler.

I stocked up after the FDA banned it on trumped-up charges

of causing something called "Super Puberty."

Let's drink. ANNIE: Yeah, let's drink.

This is fun. We're here to party.

Hey, Jake, Jake! No, no, no. It's got soy. You're allergic.

Oh. Right.

[GROANING]

[COUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Not exactly.

But at our last date-iversary...

Yeah. I flat-out lied.

Oh, that's good.

Five years since our first date.Five years.

You don't meet many couples that just date for five years.

Well, no.

[GASPS]

Oh, my gosh! This is it.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God! Jake!

[PATRONS CLAPPING]Oh, my God!

Yes!

What are we doing, Jake, seriously?

Because I have waited... No. [GAGGING]

[COUGHING] Soy, the soy. I'm allergic.

I have an EpiPen. You have a what?

Ah! Oh! [BLEEP]

I mean... [WHIMPERS]

Thank you. Oh, thank you for that.

Do you want me to pull it out?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Annie, I was in an impossible spot.

I mean, there was no way out without you dumping me

or me spoiling the fact that I was already ring shopping,

and I was planning on surprising you.

You were going to go your whole life avoiding soy

just to keep the proposal a surprise?

Well, I love my edamame, but I love my Annie-mommy more.

[LAUGHS] Anybody? No?

Come on, that was gold.

God, tough storage room.

Hey, look, just promise me, now that we're engaged,

no more secrets, okay?

No more secrets. Okay.

Hey, maybe there's something in this desk we can use.

Oh, the drawer is locked.

Oh, Jake, that's your old desk.

What's in here? Ah, yeah.

Don't worry about it. I wouldn't worry about it.

Then why don't you just open it?

Well... [CHUCKLES] [THUNDER RUMBLING]

You're going to love the answer to this.

It's a secret.

JAKE: Babe, I know it looks bad,

but I am not unlocking my drawer,

so our friends can just rifle through my stuff, it's private.

Weren't you embarrassed when Gil went through your nightstand?

Of course I was. He found Dilda Radner.

I still think you should have called it Dildo Baggins.

Gilda's my hero. Look, it's the same thing.

Okay? It's not some big secret.

It's just about privacy.

Don't you trust me?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Okay. Good.

All right, give me a little, little sugar.

Here we go. All right.

I'm so glad we made up.

I don't trust him.

Uh-uh.

You gotta find out what's in that drawer, Annie-kin.

It could be bad.

So is Gil over his divorce,

or is he just looking for a rebound?

Are you seriously interested in Gil?

I knew it. Authority is like an instant romper-dropper for Dennah.

Someone tells her what to do...

That's not true! Do not interrupt me.

Did you do something to your hair?

See? It's just like that time when...

Bruce! This is going to be amazing.

I can't wait to see Springsteen!

I know, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going.

Hey, get to the back of the line.

I'm in charge here.

Or what?

Unlike this poor beast, I'm not so easily tamed.

[HORSE WHINNIES] Is a religious ex, aah!

So it wasn't the curse

that got my jaw wired shut for a month, it was you?

Are you mad? Uh, no.

Easiest diet ever. Oh!

Guys, what about the super-hot super doc?

Dennah, you're finally with a good guy.

I hardly know Liam.

Sure, he seems perfect,

but all that's probably just an act to try to sleep with me.

Again, whereas I know Gil is a good guy.

I mean, what if the Harry to my Sally has been Gil all along?

Maybe you're right. Really?

Oh, I'm sorry, no. I was directing that to Kay.

Maybe you're right, Kay.

I got to find out what's in that drawer.

Dennah, you crazy, girl.

So, Gil, what is it that you do when you're not apocalyzing?

Between gigs at the moment.

I used to sell cars at my cousin's dealership,

but I got let go after I accidentally took

a customer on a test drive-by shooting.

That was a December to remember to forget.

[MAN CROONING OVER RECORD PLAYER] Hey, look at that.

Grandpa's record player.

Oh, that greatest generation sure had a way

of leaving us some really cool stuff

to sell on eBay.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]All right, everybody relax.

I got it.

DENNAH: Gil, I'm scared!

Dennah, let me help you, aah!

If you can help me up first.

It's going to be all right, Dennah.

This building is limestone

built on a steel-reinforced foundation.

It's been through a lot worse than this.

JAKE: Annie, you okay?Yes, honey, I'm fine.

And I've been thinking about it. You were right.

You deserve your privacy.

[RATTLING]

Annie, what the hell?

I'm freaking out, between the storm and the curse

and your soy-soaked lies.

I want that drawer open now.

No! I knew it. He's hiding something.

I am not.

ALL: Then open the drawer!

I don't think he should have to do anything he doesn't want to do.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] "I don't think he should have to do, gov'nor!"

He shouldn't have to.

I'll do it.

Aah! Sticks and stones! My hand!

I told you this would happen.

We're already starting to turn on each other.

Order must be restored!

Disaster protocol says we need to hold an election

to determine under whose authority the rules...

Such as privacy... Shall be made. Privacy.

Also, I was senior class president.

Well, actually, I was vice president,

but I was elevated to president very quickly

after a tragic ski trip fire.

Nobody died,

but the other guy was too burned to lead.

Anyway, point is, I am the most qualified person for the job.

Thank you, and god bless America.

Gil?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[EXHALES]

If elected, I will open the drawer.

Yes! BOTH: Gil! Gil! Gil!

Yes! Yes!

It's a landslide, Mr. President.

Thank you. Thank you all very much.

From this day forth, I'm in charge.

Me, okay?

Questioning my authority is forbidden.

Consuming rations without my permission is forbidden.

Forbidding things is forbidden...

Forbidden. Except by me, your king.

What is happening? What always happens.

Every time Gil succeeds,

it goes to his head, and he way oversteps.

Oh! Damn, Gil,

this beer is delicious.

You made this yourself? You know it, girl.

And after mastering the art of home-brewed beer,

I've moved on to home-brewed gasoline.

Don't tell me you put that mess in your car.

Oh, I don't have a car.

Road trip to the birth barn of the Kardashians?

You so get me!

Calabasas, baby. Calabas...

Aah!

Oh, my God!Oh! Oh, my God!

Wait, we weren't cursed that time either.

Jake, do you know what this means?

Yeah, Gil owes me a sports utility vehicle.

The universe isn't against us at all.

Our friends are just idiots.

Now, nothing can stop our love,

not even what's in that drawer.

Hey, all right! Awesome.

So let's not open it. Hey, nice try.

Gil, you want to make good on that campaign promise?

Hand over the keys, citizen. You heard the king.

And I don't make the rules, you know.

I hate this.Do you?

I don't know.

Oh, no. [GASPS]

You're not serious.

Aah! Oh!

Wha...

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Has everyone gone mental?

The storm passed.

This crazy Euro phone is getting reception.

The tornado totally passed over us on its way to...

The phone died.

Is that beef jerky?

No, it's shark-bark.

Teriyaki. I'll take it.

Storm passed. Let's skedaddle. Thank hell.

Oh, you know what, I locked that for our own protection.

And the keys are?

On my key chain.

In the hallway.

Oh, God. We're locked in?

My bad.

Annie, Annie, wait. Wait, stop.

Prenuptial agreement?

Hold up, you want a prenup?

[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

♪ You're right here in my arms ♪

My bad.

A prenup? You want a prenup?

Annie, it's not what you think.

I was holding it for a friend.

It's not a pack of cigarettes.

Argh! God! There's not even anywhere

to storm off to down here!

Guys, this is no joke.

We're locked in, there's no reception,

and the super won't be down here till Monday.

Annie, come on.

Liam, I don't know what came over me.

I mean, you said some things. I kissed some things.

How about after this we get dinner, maybe even skip dinner?

No, thank you.

You and your stupid friends...

Watch yourself. We're not great.

Got me stuck down here.

And then you go and snog Gil,

a doomsday loser who couldn't even hold down a job

selling used cars. Certified pre-owned.

Are you going into your sales pitch?

Are you in the market? Annie, think about it.

I didn't even give you that prenup.

But you had it.

So, as we're just starting our life together,

you're already planning an exit strategy?

You are a complete muppet!

Hey! Nobody talks to Gil that way but us.

And his ex-wife,

his parents, and neighbors,

and the occasional barista. The point is, shut up!

You twits deserve each other.

GIL: Hey!

Oh, easy, Mr. Bean.

We get it. You're British.

GIL: Hey, wait a second.

I may have I found a way to get us out of here.

The hard way.

The Die Hardway.

That vent goes through that storage unit

and right out to the hallway where the keys are.

You understand the Die Hardreference, right?

Yeah. McClane spends, like,

half that movie crawling through vents.

Get it. I mean, he must crawl through

three or four vents in that movie.

Argh! He doesn't have shoes.

He left his shoes in the bathroom.

I cannot spend another minute in here.

Annie, wait.

Get down. Come on, don't go, wow.

She climbed up there.

Come down to the storage unit.

We'll get together. We'll have a few laughs.

Annie, please be careful up there.

Why? We're cursed, Jake.

Yeah, I'll admit it.

And it's not just the day that's cursed.

It's us.

We are doomed.

Okay, you want to know why I didn't give you the prenup?

Because the prenup wasn't for you.

It was for somebody else.

Fantasia Yang.

The woman I was engaged to before you.

[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

♪ I can't forget

I keep doing that. I'm sorry.

You were engaged before me?

Yes.

You actually kind of met her.

Ah! What are you doing here, Fantasia Yang?

I got a tip you'd be here with your new whore.

This has got to stop.

We broke up a year ago, okay?

Listen, that woman in there is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

Will you please stop licking your lips like LL Cool J?

It's distracting.

Just let me be happy, Fantasia Yang.

No, get away... Stop it.

Stop it.

Get away from me.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Traffic was a crazy bitch.

[SCREAMS]

[ALARM BLARING]

Aah! Oh!

Oh, my God!Oh!

Fantasia was real-deal crazy.

I mean, she proposed to me a month in,

and I knew it was wrong.

So, yes, yes, I got a prenup,

shortly followed by a restraining order.

That girl was cray-ola.

Wait, how did you know her? We got together.

Had a little something. Talk about hot.

Boom! [LAUGHS]

Full discloszh,

I may have been the one

who tipped Fantasia off that night.

Wait, you picked me over a crazy hot bisexual Asian chick?

I mean, I beat out a Fantasia Yang?

Wait, you're really not mad?

No. That means that I won.

And that means if that date-iversary

wasn't cursed either, then...

Then none of them were.

I faked an allergy,

Dennah got you kicked by a horse,

Gil blew up our car, the bread pudding was poison,

and Kay sicced a psycho on us.

The universe isn't against our love.

This proves once and for all there really isn't a curse.

Ah!

Oh, my God. No!

Okay, I'll stop saying that.

Annie, are you okay?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

But the curse officially wins.

I give up. No, come on. Don't give up.

That's... That's what I love about you.

You know, no matter how bad things get,

you always make the best of it.

Like tonight or like our first date-iversary.

Oh, my God!I'm sorry.

Well...

I always wanted to kiss in the rain.

I've got it! What?

Jake, burn the prenup. I get it, Annie.

You're big on dramatic gestures, but honestly...

No, burn the prenup. Okay.

Now, hold it up, hold it up. Hold it up.

Hold it up. There you go.

Burning documents. That was going to be my next move as king.

[ALARM BLARING][GASPS]

Oh, my God, woman. You're brilliant!

DENNAH: God, you're a genius.

What the hell is going on down here?

KAY: Help! We're locked in.

Oh, thank god.

Bunch of wankers!

Hey.

Thanks for defending me back there.

Don't mention it, milord.

I mean, seriously, don't mention that we kissed,

or I'll [BLEEP] Destroy you.

My lips are sealed but still tingling.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you! Mwah.

Oh! Wow.

You took that floor to the face like a boss.

Did I? I don't remember.

You don't? Hey, I have an idea.

Rush you to the E.R.?

Let's get married one year from today.

That's right, we are taking this day back.

So, go ahead, universe, try and curse us now.

I dare you.

Oh!

Oh! Perfect. Perfect.

[LAUGHS]What?

Why do I keep saying that?

Have you learned nothing?

I don't know what is wrong with me.

This is like a joke.

Happy date-iversary, Annie.

Happy date-iversary, Jake.

♪ What is my love?

♪ The tears I see

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

You know what?

I actually do need to go to the hospital.

Yeah, you do. Okay, let's go.

♪ My love