Original subtitles

Whoa! Major life changes coming through.

I can't believe we are moving in together.

And I can't believe we're helping you move in together,

so everybody's got their stuff they can't believe.

I can't believe white people still ask if they can touch my hair.

Church! No.

Ah. Gil's right.

Aren't you guys a little too old

to be making your friends help you move?

Yeah, especially when two of your friends are girls,

and the other one's halfway through a food version

of Leaving Las Vegas.

(SLURPING)

(GROANS)

Well, excusez-moi me.

Need I remind you all

that I was recently divorced within an inch of my dang life?

Wait. I know how to cheer you up.

Okay, how about we do that thing

where a group of friends orders a pizza...

Yes. Right?

And then we put on some tunes,

and then we have a really great time

unpacking all my stuff.

Unpacking his stuff!

Sorry, I cannot.

Every day I'm gonna do one thing

that Cassie would never let me do

when we were married,

so tonight, I got a date with two hotties.

Really? Let me clarify.

Hotties is what I call hot pockets.

Oh, it makes a little more sense. Yeah.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ooh, I'm out, too.

I just got nip'd on Boobr, and I'm a go get it

and get it and forget it.

I didn't understand a word of that.

Boobr, It's a dating app for lesbians,

like Grindr is for gay men

or Tinder is for straight men and whores.

Mmm. Peace out.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, don't go. No, don't.

Hey, hey, hey. BOTH: Gil. Gil!

No, no, no, no.

Hey, what about you, Dennah? Huh?

I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night.

Really? That's so sad.

Bye!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, I guess it's just us. Yup.

Wow. You brought a lot of stuff.

Wow.

Where do we start?

I'll tell you where I'm going to start.

I want to take off my pants... Oh.

And I'm gonna mount... Okay.

That TV to the wall right there.

Wow. That was a real roller coaster ride.

Wait, why are you taking your pants off?

Because I'm hot, and I want to put on some shorts.

That sounds great, but I already have a great TV in here.

No. It's a great TV. Of course. Yeah.

Absolutely, for the bathroom.

See, I have this whole thing planned out.

We're gonna put my big TV up on the wall right there,

and then we put your little baby TV in the toilet.

Oh. A TV in the bathroom.

I never thought of that, 'cause it's my apartment

and not a Dave & Buster's.

Ah-ah-ah-ah. Don't you mean our apartment?

Of course I do.

Okay. This is gonna be great,

but the first thing we need to do is relocate your knick-knacks, right?

And then we're gonna flip this couch around.

Then we probably need to move your karaoke machine

over to where my karaoke machines are...

Wow. You have a real eye for changing stuff.

Living together is gonna be awesome.

It's like college,

except my roommate has beautiful breasts

instead of a dying ferret.

And my roommate has beautiful balls.

Sorry. No. No, please.

This is gonna be so fun!

This is so terrible!

Oh, I'm so sorry... Do you want me to take it back or something?

Oh, no, I was talking about my fiance moving in with me.

This bisque is to die.

This bisque is bad, too!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

* Oh, no

* You'll be back

* Hey!

(VOCALIZING)

* Oh, no * Hey!

* You'll be back

* Can't hold it back from you *

Ever since Jake moved in, I feel like I can't breathe,

and then I try to focus on my breathing,

but then it just feels like I'm not doing it right.

Like, does this sound right?

(WHEEZING)

Nope. His stuff is everywhere.

He's got so many jackets.

It's like how many jackets does one person need?

Summer, fall, late fall,

three winter weights, two versatile springs,

and a go-to-hell duster.

(CHUCKLES) How many jackets does Jake have?

Well, one, but it's really puffy.

You know, it's like, this is Chicago, buddy, not...

I can't think of anywhere colder than Chicago.

Last winter, I saw a bird frozen in midair.

That was a wind chime.

Seriously, how are Jake and I gonna be married

if I can't even handle living together?

What is wrong with me?

I mean, are we, like, doomed?

Well, my life is officially over.

I was at that shop with the super cute tops...

The one by the murder pond...

And that really popular high school girl

who works there thought I was 40.

Do I really look 40?

(GASPS) Kind of.

Um, Annie was just telling us

that she's very worried

about her relationship with Jake, so...

Oh, God, sorry. You go.

Your thing is bigger, right?

I mean, unless you think that mine is...

No. No. You.

Sweetie, it's just an adjustment period.

You've never lived with anyone before,

and you were an only child.

We were really bad at teaching you

how to share your space.

Talk to Jake. Tell him how you're feeling.

Oh, so tell him that after freaking out

because we weren't engaged or living together,

now I'm freaking out because we're engaged and living together?

I don't want him to think I'm a crazy person!

Oh, sweetie. You passed that exit miles ago.

Look, I just... I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, when you got like this as a kid,

we always had you go into the bathroom alone

and count to 30.

We called it Annie's happy place.

You always came out feeling great.

Except the time you walked in on your Aunt Karen

having one of her sensual baths.

It's your sister. You know what?

Just talking to you guys

is making me feel a whole lot better. Like, I love Jake,

and I am excited about us living together.

This is so great.

The risotto? I know, right?

Totally.

I was talking about my outlook moving forward.

This risotto is garbage.

(STRUMMING GUITAR)

Hey. Hey, babe.

How about a little TV and takeout?

I wanted Mexican,

but I knew you'd want Asian,

so I ordered Vietnamese

because it's basically the Mexico of Asia.

That sounds great!

Give me one sec.

(LAUGHS)

What is wrong with you?

You love him. You love TV. You love food.

You hate those briefs, but you love what's in 'em.

Just take a deep breath. Count to 30.

One, two...

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

I mean, hey, you.

Is everything okay? Yeah. All good.

Let me help you. You know what?

I'm just gonna grab my vacuum.

Oh, I threw that old thing down by the dumpster

because I got a Robo-Vac.

It cleans by itself.

But I love my old vacuum.

I had it since college.

I lost my virginity to that vacuum...

To the sound of that vacuum.

I turned it on, so my roommate

didn't have to listen to me having sex with her brother.

Ah! You know what, let me grab it.

Oh, oh. (CHUCKLES)

What's going... Annie, are you all right?

Totally, it's like women and their vacuums...

It's like men and their remote controls, am I right?

It's like there's not even a remote chance

you're gonna let me control that thing.

Okay, what's wrong?

You're doing that thing that you do

when you're uncomfortable and you ramble on and on

about random subjects.

Sounds like bad '90s stand-up.

What? Everything's fine.

I'm not uncomfortable.

I'll tell you what's uncomfortable.

Airplane bathrooms. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. You've been great.

What? I love you. Bye.

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Ooh, that's nice. That's nice.

Hey, hon.

So good news, found the vacuum.

Bad news, a skunk died in the bag.

So I'm just gonna head over to the store and get some new bags.

I'll be back in 20 or 30,

or you know what? Let's just round it out to a couple hours.

(EXHALES)

JAKE: I don't know, man.

Ever since I moved in, something's up with Annie.

I mean, she says she's fine,

but she's acting really strange.

Is she doing her weird '90s stand-up thing?

Yes! It's like living with Sinbad,

minus the vest and the impossibly high butt.

Hey, question...

Why are we having lunch in an all-you-can-eat buffet

at 11:30 in the morning?

Because Cassie would never let me eat in this place,

and now I get to, 'cause I'm a free man.

Hello.

This chicken parmesan'd up real nice.

What should I do? You've been married.

I've never even lived with a woman before,

except for Danielle,

but he was Daniel when we were roommates.

Remember Danny?

How he was always putting money

in the jar labeled "Vagina"?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He bought a vagina.

Wow.

So I thought we were gonna fight...

Yeah. But we ended up (BLEEP).

Mmm.

What's wrong, D?

Ugh, I'm just a little blue.

This teenage girl called me 40.

Ugh. Did you kick her in the shrubs?

No, I wanted to ask Annie for some makeover advice,

but then that thing happened when you want to ask someone

about something small,

but then they bring up something more important first,

and you feel stupid asking about your thing?

I know exactly what you mean.

The other day I went by my uncle's house

to ask him about my car,

but right before I got there, he died.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

It's so sad.

I'm sorry, you wanted to talk about makeup or something?

Mmm-mmm.

So to celebrate your first night living together...

Mmm-hmm.

You rolled off the sofa in your underwear

like some kind of diapered ape

and asked her to watch TV?

Well, I'm dolphin-smooth, but yeah.

This is a huge milestone for Annie, Jake.

She wants romance, man.

You should try this thing I saw

on Live with Regis & Kelly yesterday.

Well, actually it's Live with Kelly & Michael Strahan.

Spoilers, Jacob. I'm not caught up yet.

Anyway, it's called the open-eye cuddle.

You hold each other close

and maintain intense eye contact for 20 minutes.

It's like a staring contest.

The only winner is love.

Oh, my God.

You're actually right. I got to step it up.

I'm engaged now. I got to be fiance Jake.

I-I got to use French words like champagne and fiance Jake.

Thanks, Gil. Wow.

You're smarter than you smell.

Ew.

Uh, excuse me. Sir?

Uh, weren't you here for the breakfast service?

We've switched over to lunch now, so...

Chad, is it? Mmm-hmm.

The way I see it, I paid my $7.99,

and since I have not left your establishment,

I'm still well within my all-you-can-eat rights.

Whatever, sir.

I mean, you can't just sit here all day

and eat meal after meal for the price of one.

Oh, and can'tn't I, Chad?

Can'tn't I?

You're not my wife, and neither is she.

I'll eat where I want for as long as I want.

You have to leave sometime.

I'll leave when you close.

But we're open 24 hours.

Bingo, tu madre.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

*

Aw, babe. What is all this?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Just a little housewarming dinner for my bebe.

(NORMAL ACCENT) Ha-ha, French.

Ooh. Full disclosure.

First batch didn't work out so well, so I had to toss it,

along with one of your pots.

Oh. And the rug over by the stove.

R.I.P. You are so sweet,

and you put away all your stuff. Yeah.

I am so sorry I've been so weird lately.

Ain't nothing but a thang.

Well, I am starving. Let's eat.

Wait, wait. Before we eat,

I would like to try something

a little romantique.

Ooh, that sounds sexy.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mm-hmm?

Yeah. This open-eyed cuddle's nice.

Yeah, it's great. I love it, too.

Mmm-hmm.

Gil said after 15 minutes you lose all sense of self.

How many minutes has it been?

Moving in on a full minute.

Dang it. I forgot. I've got Pilates.

No, no, no. Can't you skip it?

I'd love to, but, you know,

if you don't cancel within 24 hours, they charge you.

What's the deal with cancellation policies these days?

It's like it's harder to end a gym membership

than it is to end a relationship, am I right?

Oh! Oh! Whoo!

That was terrible. Time to go.

Aah! Sorry!

(DOOR CLOSES)

DENNAH: Gil!

Have you seriously been here all day?

(CHUCKLES) And how!

Uh, buffet keep, when you get a chance,

can I get a little more powerade over here, please?

What's shaking, tofurky bacon?

Well, I need someone to talk to, but my regular go-tos,

Kay and Annie, got their own stuff going on.

Okay. Basically I'm thinking about changing my look,

trying to be a bit more youthful.

Maybe cut some bangs. Get Botox.

What? That's not really what I was...

You think I need Botox?

Oh, not at all. You're a knockout.

Thank you. But just 'cause you have a beautiful new car

doesn't mean you shouldn't hire an ex-marine named Steve

to come over and detail it.

Be careful though.

Steve will seduce your mother.

Yeah. I'm not against Botox,

but aren't I a little young?

That's the whole point.

You start now, nobody notices.

Then when all the other girls start tox'n up,

you look the same 'cause you've been getting it all along.

Wow. That actually makes sense.

That's what I do.

You know, I recently gave Jake some advice that pretty much

solved all of his and Annie's relationship problems, so...

Hey. Do you deliver?

To cars?

Almost as much as apartments. Huh.

Dads, which of these curtains do you prefer?

Eggshell or toile?

Ugh, I hate 'em both.

I am super into plantation shutters right now.

I'm into plantation nothing ever.

So what room are they going into?

Oh, they're for my car.

Was that not clear? Your car?

Yeah, 'cause you told me to find my happy place,

and I did, but instead of going into the bathroom

and counting to 30, I go in my car

and count to five... Episodes of the Housewives.

New york or Atlanta? Orange county.

Annie, that's not what we...

I don't think that this is healthy.

And I thought that too, at first,

but everyone's got to have their escape.

What, would you rather that I drink or smoke crack bowls

or shoplift yoga leggings to feel alive?

Those are our choices?

Honey, I think you're hiding from your problems in your car.

Oh, am I?

It sounds like you're hiding your car.

What? That makes no sense.

You guys, please support me.

But...

What? I don't know.

GIL: Rise and shine, buffet mates!

Ooh, excellent choice.

That toast frenches up real nice.

Wait. What... You're still here?

What, did you stay the night?

I did, and I'm not gonna lie,

I saw some weird stuff here last night.

Did not realize how much ceremony was involved

in the changing of the soups.

That song was not for you.

It's for people who paid for their dinner.

Gil! One second.

Hey! There's my guy.

Back for more wisdom?

Everything good with Annie?

No, everything's not good with Annie.

Your advice sucked.

Well, why is everybody coming to me for advice?

I'm a grown man wearing maternity jeans.

Oh, God. I spent the night in a home place buffet.

I am a loser.

That's why my wife left me.

Whoa, you are not a loser.

Okay?

You're gonna be okay, buddy.

Thank you.

Divorce is just a real dooze, man.

Yeah. So what are you gonna do about Annie?

What if I just ask her what's wrong,

and then when she tells me "I'm fine," I don't accept it,

and I push through to what's really bothering her?

What kind of muttonhead moron

would push through an "I'm fine"?

The "I'm fine" is your best friend, pal.

Yeah. No.

I'm just gonna talk to her.

I mean, I didn't major in communications

at Florida state to never use it.

I think you're making a big mistake!

Dead man walking!

Oh, hello!

Welcome to home place buffet!

All you can eat for $7.99.

Can I help you?

Chad, bubby, it's me.

I was only outside for a second.

Wow.

After everything we've been through, this is how it ends?

I'm afraid so.

Hey, for what it's worth,

you lasted longer than anyone else ever has.

29 hours.

Really?

Twenty-nine straight hours in a home place buffet?

Oh, yeah!

Guess old Gil's not such a loser after all.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

Hey! Dennah!

Come here!

Annie?

What the hell?

Hey, girl, what are you doing in my neck of...

Ah! Bruce Jenner!

Is it that bad? Kind of.

I was feeling kind of oldish, and Gil told me to get Botox,

and I had an allergic reaction,

and the doctor said it's gonna be fine.

Everything about your look is supposed to go through me.

Remember?

Not to mention I thought we both agreed that when we turned 38

we were both gonna get Botox

and then write an article about it for Redbook magazine.

Yeah, and I wanted to talk to you,

but, you know, you had important engaged stuff going on.

No! I always have time for you.

You're my girl, girl!

I love your buns. Aw, thanks.

I love your buns. Aw, get over here.

Aw.

So I was coming over to your place

to talk about this whole thing,

and then I found you out here.

You want to talk about your whole car house?

(KNOCKING)

I wasn't expecting guests.

This is insane!

Take your shoes off, please.

You have a problem, Annie,

and I don't mean the toile, which is not working.

Hey, Kevins.

Aah! Candyman!

Oh, honey. Botox?

Been there.

It's really nice having guests.

Charcuterie? Mmm.

Jake called. He's looking for you.

He's worried, and frankly, so are we.

Hey! What are you guys up to?

Hi, Gil. Joker!

I mean, I'm so glad you took my advice.

You look terrific.

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize to Jake

for giving some bum advice,

and it appears as though I should toss a sorry your way, too.

Sorry.

I cannot read your expression.

Do we still have a problem?

Annie?

Get out of this car

and go talk to your fiance.

(GASPS) Dennah's face!

No judgment, mama. You guys!

What is the deal?

Am I the only girl who's ever thrown

an impromptu charcuterie-fueled soiree in her ca...

Okay, you're right. I need to go talk to Jake,

but what if he's mad or sad?

It's Jake... He loves you,

and you guys have gotten through much worse.

Like the time you hid from Jake in your car.

But, Gil, that's this time.

And you'll get through this.

Go get your man, girl! Girl.

You guys are right.

You're right.

I just need to confront this head-on

and hope that Jake understands.

(SIGHS)

Thank you. Wish me luck. Luck!

Luck.

(GASPS)

Officer! Oh, (BLEEP).

Question.

You're not by any chance a male stripper, are you?

Nope. Well, you could be.

Hey.

I'm gonna need you to take a little test.

Officer, I was drinking... Not gonna argue that.

I got a thick buzz going on right now,

but I was not driving, officer.

I was just hiding out in my car

to avoid spending time with my fiance.

You were hiding from me in your car?

No, Jake.

She's just not used to sharing her space.

It's an only-child thing.

Only children are monsters.

But I've slept here almost every night

for the last six years,

and you didn't seem to have a problem with it,

even that night that I sleep-choked your boob.

No, Jake, I... I don't get it.

What's different now? Now is forever, and I'm scared!

Oh, my God.

I think that's what this has been about.

I don't think it's about needing space.

I think I just never thought past the proposal,

and then when you moved in, it hit me, and I freaked out.

I get it. I get it, and it's okay.

It's sort of your turn, you know?

The six years I waited to propose was me freaking out,

as well as those harem pants that I bought.

I love you,

and I want to live with you forever, I swear.

Good, 'cause I don't want to move my crap again.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, back to the DUI.

Oh, no. Officer, no.

She couldn't have been driving.

Look! Pedals are blocked by a cooler of skinny girl,

and the hood is cold.

Clearly this car hasn't been driven for hours.

And she's got diplomatic immunity.

(WHISPERS) Shut up. What?

Well, I guess it's your lucky day.

Oh, my God.

So she's not getting a DUI?

Nope.

White girls.

Church! No.

(RHYTHMIC CLINKING)

* You make me want to soup

* Soup-a-doup, soup-a-doup,

* Soup-a-doup- a-doup-a-soup

* Soup-a-doup, soup-a-doup *

Honestly?

Damn.

Told you guys it was worth it.

I can't stop smiling.

* Here I go, here I go, here I go again

* Girls, what's my weakness? *

ALL: Soup.

How are Jake and Annie missing this?

I love living with you, Jake.

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV )

Hey, is this the Housewives where fake boobs

and temper tantrum get mad at fat mouth?

It always is.

I love living with you, too.

(WOMEN SHOUTING ON TV)

Ohh! Look out.

Wig came off.

Oh, she's completely bald.