Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,035 --> 00:00:03,135
Look at these innocent,
furry miracles.
2
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:07,673
Right now, real animals are
being neglected by me.
3
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,591
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer.
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,711
And these are the dozens of animals
I never should have adopted.
5
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,463
Nobody's fault.
6
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:19,084
Long story short, I'm now
legally considered a hoarder.
7
00:00:19,135 --> 00:00:20,436
I mean, what do you expect?
8
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,970
I mean, they're cute as (bleep).
9
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:23,055
(Bleep).
10
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,273
Like what is this thing?
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,758
Like, what are you,
an act one Gremlin?
12
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:29,428
You are a burden.
13
00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:30,863
That's where you come in.
14
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:33,932
Call the number on your
screen right now and just,
15
00:00:33,983 --> 00:00:36,535
just take a few of
these things off my hands.
16
00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:40,039
Like Walter, who only is nice
to you when he needs something.
17
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,290
Nobody walks me, Walt.
18
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,575
This one I call Bait and Switch
'cause he used
19
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,744
to be real cute
and then he got bigger.
20
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:46,995
Not a Laugher.
21
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,114
Competitive Narcissist.
22
00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:52,418
And let's just say this one, she
doesn't have a warrior spirit.
23
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,719
Not Supportive.
24
00:00:53,786 --> 00:00:54,786
Mama's Boy.
25
00:00:54,838 --> 00:00:55,838
Spencer's actually cool.
26
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:56,805
He found my phone.
27
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,223
(whining)
28
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,132
I honestly don't want to have
this conversation
29
00:01:00,176 --> 00:01:02,794
with you right now, but I will
in front of everybody.
30
00:01:02,846 --> 00:01:03,929
Jew.
31
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,130
Fat, But Owns It.
32
00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:06,849
And Mrs. Wong is glib.
33
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,484
Time is running out.
34
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,636
My sister just spent her student
loan check on an all-inclusive
35
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,689
trip for the two of us
to go to Turks and Caicos.
36
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,274
The excursions are not included.
37
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,575
And once I'm on that plane,
38
00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:18,054
the last thing
I want to be worried about
39
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,529
is this dog's water bowl
or this turtle's survival.
40
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:22,114
Russell!
41
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,982
Get away from your sister.
42
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:26,418
Russell, you know
you're not allowed near her!
43
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,956
If you call in the next 10 minutes,
you'll receive this free T-shirt.
44
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,257
Okay?
45
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:33,208
10 minutes.
46
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,877
You're so (bleep) cute.
47
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,879
I want more of you!
48
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,497
But I don't.
49
00:01:38,548 --> 00:01:41,016
♪
50
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,485
For like, 10 years,
I've been on the road,
51
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,447
just staying at
the grossest places.
52
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,449
Like, not even a Comfort Inn.
53
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,685
Like, a... I can't even see a Comfort
Inn from where I'm standing.
54
00:02:00,737 --> 00:02:02,687
It's like, a Comfort Western.
55
00:02:02,739 --> 00:02:04,223
You know?
56
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:09,328
Just some like off-brand place
where the sheets, like, hurt.
57
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,748
There's, like,
a four-thread count.
58
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:14,833
It's BYO towels, just...
59
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:18,370
They're like, "Sorry, you should
have called ahead".
60
00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:20,022
You're just, like,
shaking in the shower.
61
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:22,341
♪
62
00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:26,145
(man) 75% of Americans believe
63
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:29,181
there are events
that cannot be explained.
64
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,767
Over half of them are
celebrities.
65
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:35,354
Noises, shapes, shadows.
66
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,455
Hello?
67
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:37,956
Weird dolls.
68
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:39,024
Ghost hands.
69
00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:40,058
Uh-oh.
70
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,693
Bye!
71
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,335
As a celebrity,
I'm not superstitious,
72
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:55,657
but I do assume that everything I
don't understand is black magic.
73
00:02:55,842 --> 00:03:00,429
This was the first vacation
I booked since I got famous,
74
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,015
so I wanted to treat myself
to a fancy hotel.
75
00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:04,049
(bell chimes)
76
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,767
(laughing)
77
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,252
Just having a bit of fun.
78
00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:10,472
In the past, I've always stayed
at motels where the door
79
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,275
to my room opens
directly to the parking lot,
80
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,227
which is cool 'cause you can
check on your car.
81
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,981
But this time, I was looking
forward to being treated
82
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,315
better than other people.
83
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,877
I don't have to tip
'cause I have this.
84
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:22,951
Bye.
85
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,153
Yes.
86
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:29,825
The first night, I met a really
chill couple from the Keys,
87
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,793
who, like me, were
down for whatever.
88
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,046
We should go have sex
with each other.
89
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:36,108
Then, at the last minute,
they had a change of heart.
90
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,633
No hard feelings.
91
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:41,053
And if they change their mind,
like, they know where I am.
92
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,673
In the morning,
I woke up to a strange sound.
93
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:47,509
It was like...
94
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,928
(knocking)
95
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,764
(knocking continues)
96
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:56,435
It was like a door noise
but on the other side...
97
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,986
of the door.
98
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,157
What?
99
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:06,811
When I opened the door,
a "USA Today"
100
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,331
had appeared on the floor.
101
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:13,035
So I was like, um,
"Okay, that's weird".
102
00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,753
Like, now it's weird.
103
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,674
I was bugging out.
104
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:22,177
So I went into town
to do a Segway tour
105
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,629
and score some
Caribbean Adderall.
106
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:31,303
When I get back, the first thing
I notice is that my towel
107
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:34,439
has been transformed
into a swan.
108
00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:42,013
And then I see that
on top of my pillow
109
00:04:42,065 --> 00:04:46,785
is an even tinier pillow
made entirely of chocolate.
110
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,787
And now I know there's a ghost.
111
00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:50,739
I know.
112
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:54,543
I tested my ghost theory by
dumping out all of the shampoo
113
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:58,213
and drinking all of
the bottles from the mini bar.
114
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,698
I remember thinking, like,
115
00:04:59,749 --> 00:05:02,884
"Let's see
a ghost deal with this."
116
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,003
But then I bounced out
117
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:09,925
and I ran into the guy who had
sold me a shark tooth necklace.
118
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,677
And just crashed at his place.
119
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,644
It was cool.
120
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,262
He had a snake.
121
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,686
When I got back, I was almost
too scared to open the door.
122
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:28,076
All the bottles were full again.
123
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,861
And the room was spotless.
124
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,197
I just broke down.
125
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,734
I called my personal life
coach and psychic, Cheyakee.
126
00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:38,203
There's a (bleep) swan here!
127
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:46,094
I've known Amy for 12 weeks and
if she says she saw a ghost and
128
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,347
agrees to fly me down
business class,
129
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:51,299
then guess what,
she saw a ghost.
130
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,935
I know you're right, but
it's just... Shh! (knocking)
131
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,854
That's the door noise
I told you about.
132
00:05:55,921 --> 00:05:57,639
(woman) Mrs. Schumer!
133
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,591
What do you want
with us, spirit?
134
00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:00,859
(woman) Hello, housekeeping.
135
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:02,361
You're not welcome here!
136
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,279
(woman) Okay, thank you.
I come back.
137
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,198
(screaming)
138
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,566
Oh God!
139
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:11,703
(Amy) I checked out that day.
140
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:14,873
I guess there are more forces
out there than meets the eye.
141
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:19,911
And sometimes, those
forces bring us swan towels.
142
00:06:22,131 --> 00:06:23,915
♪
143
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:33,358
(man) She's beautiful, she's
smart, she's sophisticated.
144
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,327
(woman) Sophisticated.
145
00:06:35,411 --> 00:06:36,912
(man) She's your best friend.
146
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,164
(woman) Best friend.
147
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:41,199
(man) You can't picture your
life without her.
148
00:06:41,284 --> 00:06:42,200
Or can you?
149
00:06:42,285 --> 00:06:43,201
A little bit.
150
00:06:43,286 --> 00:06:44,286
Sometimes.
151
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,121
(woman) Occasionally.
152
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:49,841
(man) Give her the gift that keeps
on giving... you more time.
153
00:06:49,926 --> 00:06:51,560
(woman) Time.
154
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:54,963
We're proud to introduce our
Stolen Years collection.
155
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,183
Because you're not sure
and you probably never will be.
156
00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,601
(woman) Stolen Years.
157
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,605
(man) A line of jewelry
as gorgeous are her
158
00:07:03,672 --> 00:07:06,224
and as non-committal as you.
159
00:07:06,309 --> 00:07:07,949
(woman) Who's that new chick
in marketing?
160
00:07:10,813 --> 00:07:14,182
(man) Stolen Years marks the precious
days and months you're taking
161
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,819
from her as you carelessly
diddle time away,
162
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:21,957
trying to figure out
if she's the best you can do.
163
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,409
The Stolen Years collection.
164
00:07:24,494 --> 00:07:26,711
Give her the gift
that says forever.
165
00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:30,465
I will keep you waiting
for for-(bleep)-ever.
166
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,700
(woman) Forever.
167
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:35,470
♪
168
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,005
How did you propose?
169
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,067
I had a limo, picked her up,
and took her down to the river,
170
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,308
and dropped to a knee.
171
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,427
That's perfect,
'cause if she said no,
172
00:07:42,512 --> 00:07:43,890
you could have just
dumped her body in there.
173
00:07:43,914 --> 00:07:44,421
That's true.
174
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,982
What made you decide you
wanted to get married... propose?
175
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,150
My grandpa died.
176
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,017
I was pretty down
about it because
177
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,569
I was close to my grandpa.
178
00:07:50,653 --> 00:07:53,905
I recognized that, uh, if she
was going to stick by me for
179
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:55,867
that, be supportive, that's
someone I wanted to be around
180
00:07:55,891 --> 00:07:57,419
- for the rest of my life and...
- Yeah.
181
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:59,054
Did you ever think that
maybe she knew that
182
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,563
and she killed your grandpa?
183
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,616
♪
184
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,336
Should anyone here know of any
reason that this couple should
185
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:13,008
not be joined in
holy matrimony, speak now
186
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,309
or forever hold your peace.
187
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,679
Really?
188
00:08:17,746 --> 00:08:19,214
Nobody's gonna object?
189
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,705
We're all just gonna
let this happen?
190
00:08:20,716 --> 00:08:21,916
What is the objection?
191
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,752
I didn't want to be a hero,
but, you know what?
192
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:29,591
My ankle tattoo
says "Carpe Diem".
193
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:30,859
Seize the carp.
194
00:08:30,926 --> 00:08:32,427
So, fine.
195
00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,312
Stop the wedding.
196
00:08:34,397 --> 00:08:35,947
Amy, what the (bleep)?
197
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:38,066
What the (bleep) you, Sasha.
198
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:39,067
I'm gonna say it.
199
00:08:39,135 --> 00:08:40,216
What are you talking about?
200
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,572
I was outside, bumming
a smoke yesterday,
201
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,241
after the free rehearsal dinner.
202
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,076
Thank you guys so much for that.
203
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:53,582
And I'm outside and I remember
204
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,135
that I overheard something
205
00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:02,974
interesting that one of
your bridesmaids told me.
206
00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:04,175
Who?
Which bridesmaid?
207
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:07,646
Okay, which one did I talk
to yesterday?
208
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:09,147
Okay.
209
00:09:09,232 --> 00:09:11,266
You asked me to help
you find your car.
210
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,378
I said you shouldn't be driving
because you seemed drunk.
211
00:09:13,402 --> 00:09:15,803
No. Before that.
212
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,139
Before that, wiseass.
213
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,242
What... No, what did you say?
214
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,360
You told me something really
revealing about Chris.
215
00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:23,445
Right?
216
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,613
What's your name?
217
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,580
Pam.
218
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:26,581
That's not it.
219
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,583
No. Sit down.
220
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,618
Right down.
221
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:30,669
Do not sit down.
222
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,487
(Amy) Sit down, Pam.
223
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,490
- Don't sit down, Pam.
- Sit down, Pam.
224
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:38,843
There's an elephant in the
room, y'all, and it stanks!
225
00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:40,262
Everybody wants you to stop.
226
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,013
You do, Chris.
227
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:47,302
But this side of the room has
my back and so do other people.
228
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,304
I'm looking at you, Janine.
229
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,805
She told me also.
230
00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:51,723
What are you talking about?
231
00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:53,441
Grow up!
232
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,178
Janine gave me a piece
of gum earlier.
233
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,198
She also dished some dirt too.
234
00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:01,316
Are you done?
235
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,319
Are you done lying, Chris?
236
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:07,205
Don't forget, you hooked
up with me in college.
237
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:08,290
That was me.
238
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,158
You're also a piece of (bleep).
239
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,294
No, I'm not.
240
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,930
Fair enough.
241
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,414
Only time will tell.
242
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:21,002
But for now,
cat's out of the bag.
243
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:23,805
(meows)
244
00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,256
Wake up.
245
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:26,591
Wake up, San Francisco.
246
00:10:26,676 --> 00:10:28,070
- What is she talking about?
- I don't know.
247
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:33,181
I believe the answer to all
your questions is right here.
248
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:36,151
I think I had written something
down earlier about this.
249
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,352
Oh, I have gum.
250
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:43,024
Do you want this?
You don't care.
251
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,860
Is there something
you need to tell me?
252
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:46,828
Of course not, babe.
253
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:47,829
Okay.
254
00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:50,399
Are you sure?
255
00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:52,667
Okay, fine.
256
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,669
I'm gay, I (bleep) dudes.
257
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:55,920
That was it.
258
00:10:56,005 --> 00:10:57,539
♪
259
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:01,069
What could you have found out
about your wife last-minute
260
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,794
that would have made you
stop the wedding?
261
00:11:02,878 --> 00:11:05,213
Maybe if a guy screamed out,
"She's sucking my (bleep)!"
262
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,492
- During, before she walked down...
- Before she walked down.
263
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:08,916
"She just sucked my (bleep)!"
264
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,269
That would maybe be something
that would stop the wedding.
265
00:11:11,354 --> 00:11:12,998
But it's like, all those
people are already there.
266
00:11:13,022 --> 00:11:14,199
- You know, they traveled.
- Yeah.
267
00:11:14,223 --> 00:11:15,657
And she's probably just nervous.
268
00:11:15,725 --> 00:11:17,669
Like, when I'm nervous, I just
like sucking (bleep), just like,
269
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:18,977
- oh my God...
- Understandable.
270
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:21,763
You look nervous now?
271
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:24,699
You ever go to a wedding and you
were just, like, looking around
272
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,933
the room and you were like,
273
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:28,703
"Someone
please 'Homeland' this place?
274
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,171
"I'll die with the rest
of the team.
275
00:11:30,239 --> 00:11:31,790
These people need
to go down?"
276
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:34,909
- Uh.
- Ish. Ish.
277
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,911
♪
278
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,298
♪
279
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,934
(woman)
"My Dream Breakup."
280
00:11:46,638 --> 00:11:48,440
Amy, a high school graduate,
281
00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:51,693
is ready to change her relationship
status with her boyfriend, Nick.
282
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,777
Hello, gorgeous.
283
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,029
Are you my breakup girl?
284
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,196
Yes, hi.
285
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:56,698
Hi, come here.
286
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,727
Nick and I have been dating
for two-and-a-half years.
287
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:02,320
Nick is like, such
a great guy, but I just,
288
00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:06,007
I know in my heart that I'm
ready for something taller.
289
00:12:08,177 --> 00:12:09,544
So let's talk general concept.
290
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:12,163
Have we given any thought to
whether you want it to be
291
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:14,832
a slow realization
or a devastating blindside?
292
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:18,803
Um, I guess
blindside feels more me.
293
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:19,971
You know what?
294
00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:21,506
I knew you were going
to say that.
295
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:22,857
- I just get you.
- You do.
296
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,776
Let's look at
some venues, come on.
297
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:25,777
You know what?
298
00:12:25,844 --> 00:12:26,778
I have an idea, Amy.
299
00:12:26,845 --> 00:12:28,696
Let me tell you.
300
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,815
What do you think about tapas?
301
00:12:30,866 --> 00:12:32,484
I love the small plates idea.
302
00:12:32,535 --> 00:12:33,962
I think it's
a great fit for you, Amy.
303
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,121
You know, it's low commitment,
you can leave after
304
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,183
the bacon-wrapped figs
if you want, or if he's crying,
305
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,741
you can stay for the croquettas!
306
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,409
Ooh, I love croquettas!
307
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,795
Then we're gonna have
to make him cry.
308
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:44,896
You're such a natural.
309
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:45,764
Have you done this before?
310
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,298
No. No.
311
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,800
Everyone always
breaks up with me.
312
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:51,970
Mom, one to 10?
313
00:12:53,389 --> 00:12:56,391
♪
314
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:01,763
Mom.
315
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,732
When I divorced your father,
I wore something more traditional.
316
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:07,051
- This is my day!
- Oh, sweetie.
317
00:13:07,103 --> 00:13:08,319
No, you stop it.
318
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,604
You're ruining this!
319
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,106
(sighs)
320
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,358
Mom, can I talk to
you for a second?
321
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,864
(crying)
Why are you being mean?
322
00:13:25,254 --> 00:13:26,871
That looks...
323
00:13:28,924 --> 00:13:30,208
great!
324
00:13:32,762 --> 00:13:34,896
We have the dress!
325
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,686
(Amy) I watched my friends
do this over and over again
326
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,221
and now it's my turn.
327
00:13:44,773 --> 00:13:46,391
Blessed.
328
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,397
(whispers) Hey.
329
00:13:53,816 --> 00:13:55,266
Why are all these cameras here?
330
00:13:55,317 --> 00:13:56,618
Nick,
331
00:13:56,702 --> 00:14:00,905
the times we shared can never
be taken away from us.
332
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:02,323
What are you guys shooting?
333
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:06,794
But all things must run their
course and in due time,
334
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,130
even everything ends.
335
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:13,668
So Nick, today, I'd like
to tell you that
336
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:18,056
I am breaking up with you.
337
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,123
(mouthing words)
338
00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:22,894
Go for Eduardo and Pilar.
339
00:14:22,961 --> 00:14:25,563
Wait, what?
340
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:29,767
♪
341
00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,102
We have tears.
342
00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:32,153
Go for croquettas!
343
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,356
(man sings in Spanish)
344
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,357
Why the (bleep) is he singing?
345
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,358
No, I'm sorry, no.
346
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,493
These are from Spain.
347
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,078
(groaning)
348
00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,996
Sweetie, I'm sorry,
no singing, okay?
349
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,414
Lo siento.
350
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:44,959
But if I want to hear you sing,
I will put a dollar
351
00:14:44,983 --> 00:14:45,983
in your (bleep) sombrero.
352
00:14:46,035 --> 00:14:47,229
This is not the (bleep) "Voice".
353
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:48,693
Do I look like I'm in
a spinny chair?
354
00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:49,587
Please just follow instructions.
355
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,372
I have 200 of you.
356
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,042
I don't even know what
to say right now.
357
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:55,627
I'm like, totally blindsided.
358
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,633
What is this?
359
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,687
Oh, you're giving me my
stuff back in a gift bag?
360
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,806
Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.
361
00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:11,109
Holy God!
362
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:14,145
Sweetie, you were amazing!
363
00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:15,480
You did it, girl!
364
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:16,648
We did it.
365
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:18,199
It couldn't have
been more perfect.
366
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:22,704
It was truly the breakup of
my dreams and the best part...
367
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,657
Now I have a new
gay best friend.
368
00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:28,359
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna (bleep) her.
369
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:29,577
♪
370
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:34,882
What's the worst way you've
ever been broken up with?
371
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,051
Well, it was like when
I was younger.
372
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,254
Basically, she slept with like,
a bunch of my friends
373
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:42,440
and then dumped me.
374
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,591
It was pretty horrible.
375
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,260
Okay, breakup with me.
376
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,945
All right.
377
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,147
Hey, I can't wait for you to
meet my mom this weekend.
378
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,265
Yeah.
379
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,599
Well, I've been thinking...
380
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,051
I (bleep) all your friends.
381
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:55,403
How do you get over an ex?
382
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,521
What do, what do you do?
383
00:15:56,572 --> 00:15:58,856
I sleep with someone
and then I regret it.
384
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:01,076
No, you distract yourself.
385
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,163
You eat, pray, eat.
386
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,214
That's what I do.
387
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,836
♪
388
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:16,641
So Downing, you are
106 years old.
389
00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:17,809
I am.
390
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,094
What's your favorite
part about being 100?
391
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,646
No condoms, right?
392
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:25,650
Well, I'm thankful for every
day when you're 100,
393
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:27,151
'cause you know the end is near.
394
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:28,152
You know that.
395
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:29,687
I don't know.
396
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,899
- I don't know, Downing.
- You don't know it, but I do.
397
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,635
I think you're going to
outlive everybody here.
398
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,742
Are you on Twitter?
399
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,860
No.
400
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,695
No, I don't know any
of the new things.
401
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:42,667
I have very poor vision
and my hearing is off.
402
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:44,369
Are your other
senses heightened?
403
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:49,240
Like, can you smell that our sound
guy smoked weed this morning?
404
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:51,242
- Oh, heavens no.
- Okay, cool.
405
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:52,593
You went to Towson.
406
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,912
I graduated in 1931.
407
00:16:54,963 --> 00:16:56,247
Took a little business course.
408
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:57,581
That's where I went to.
409
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,133
I went to the
same college as you.
410
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:01,252
- I'm so pleased to hear that.
- Yeah.
411
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:06,441
I went to Towson because when I
visited, I won a drinking contest.
412
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,609
Oh, wonderful.
413
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:11,646
Yeah, I love Baltimore, but it
definitely has its dangerous parts.
414
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,597
Did you ever watch
the show "The Wire"?
415
00:17:13,649 --> 00:17:15,199
Don't know enough
about it, darling.
416
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,267
Okay.
417
00:17:16,318 --> 00:17:17,819
Are you still a Baltimore girl?
418
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,237
I live in the Baltimore area.
419
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,823
I live in the Towson area
in a retirement home.
420
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:24,442
Do you know anybody maybe at
the home you can set me up?
421
00:17:24,493 --> 00:17:27,778
Any, any eligible bachelors?
422
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,048
Did you ever get into
a fistfight?
423
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,166
- No, ma'am.
- Yeah, me neither.
424
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,301
Never had a fistfight.
425
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,105
Well, be careful.
This neighborhood isn't so good.
426
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:35,745
No.
427
00:17:35,787 --> 00:17:39,006
What was the
Great Depression like?
428
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,292
What do you remember of
the Great Depression?
429
00:17:41,343 --> 00:17:44,429
We were very, very careful
about our food.
430
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:48,733
We would make a can of
salmon last for two nights.
431
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,800
Wow.
432
00:17:49,852 --> 00:17:51,486
And we liked it, you know?
433
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,636
We were saving.
434
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,405
That's how Comedy Central
wishes I ate.
435
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,523
(laughing)
436
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,024
Right.
437
00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:01,829
What are the changes you've seen
for women with how they look?
438
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,615
Well, everybody's wearing pants.
439
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,834
- And I...
- Thank God.
440
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,838
I got into the first pair
of pants in World War II
441
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:15,510
and I thought we would never
take them on as the usual garb,
442
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,879
- but we have.
- Yeah.
443
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:21,716
You think it's strange that women
wear their hair like, long now?
444
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,138
I think the style now is pretty,
however, I wonder who decrees
445
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,008
that it is now straight
if you're 50 and younger.
446
00:18:31,059 --> 00:18:32,510
Yeah.
447
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:37,198
I would think that the beauty
operators would want you to keep
448
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,616
your hair curled.
449
00:18:38,683 --> 00:18:41,119
What about how... how people
have changed how they feel
450
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,354
about different races?
451
00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,706
- About racism?
- Yeah, racism.
452
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:49,877
I have learned over the years
to have some of my very good
453
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,163
friends to be, uh...
454
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,752
(inhales)
455
00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:59,537
- Black.
- Okay.
456
00:18:59,588 --> 00:19:00,471
That's not the word, but anyway.
457
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:01,539
No, that's the word.
458
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,090
That's fine.
That's fine.
459
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,928
What did you used to worry about
that you don't concern yourself
460
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:08,262
with anymore?
461
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,598
I would worry over
people over drinking.
462
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:12,767
I lived during the Prohibition
years, you know?
463
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,352
Yeah.
464
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:18,022
And some of the young people,
yeah, they would overindulge
465
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:20,775
and I would be very concerned.
466
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,861
You would have been very
concerned about me.
467
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,112
About you, honey?
468
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,247
Uh-huh.
469
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,166
I can't... no kidding.
470
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,835
You were one?
471
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:34,789
Oh, you're crazy.
472
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,624
I can't believe it.
473
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,108
I could have used
a friend like you.
474
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,516
What's the craziest thing you ever
witnessed in your whole life?
475
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:46,935
Honey.
476
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,720
I don't think I can answer that.
477
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:52,106
♪
478
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,308
I'm not racist.
479
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,759
I don't know if you guys are.
480
00:19:55,811 --> 00:19:58,279
I'm like, totally,
I'm totally not.
481
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,147
My grandpa is, though.
482
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,732
I have such a racist grandpa.
483
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:02,783
Do you guys have them?
484
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:03,818
You must.
485
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,286
Everybody does, right?
486
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,439
Just... he's so sweet, but then
he'll just say something like...
487
00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:11,108
We went to lunch the other day,
we get out of his car and
488
00:20:11,159 --> 00:20:13,159
a black guy crosses the street
in front of the car.
489
00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:14,629
And he goes,
"Oh, that reminds me".
490
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,713
Boop, boop.
491
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,383
I'm like, "No".
492
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:22,453
I'm like, "Grandpa, that
can't be the joke anymore.
493
00:20:22,504 --> 00:20:24,315
That was like, the joke when
you were younger".
494
00:20:24,339 --> 00:20:26,390
Like, oh,
watch out, black people.
495
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,485
Like, hold on to your (bleep).
496
00:20:27,509 --> 00:20:28,959
No.
497
00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:31,795
Like, that's the joke that
black people steal (bleep).
498
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:34,965
Like, white people,
we stole black people.
499
00:20:35,017 --> 00:20:36,534
Umm...
500
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,969
♪
501
00:20:39,021 --> 00:20:42,023
Like, I love "Sex and the City"
and like, the Mario Cantone role.
502
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,158
I know Mario, he's a
close, personal friend.
503
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,276
Yeah, I did his breakup.
504
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,477
- No.
- I did.
505
00:20:46,528 --> 00:20:47,612
Who was he dating?
506
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,580
Um, Mayim Bialik.
507
00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:50,648
He's straight.
508
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,586
(woman) So easy.
509
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:56,787
(man) Mmm, magic.
35848
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
