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1
00:00:09,358 --> 00:00:12,109
The defendant is accused
of committing a heinous crime.
2
00:00:12,194 --> 00:00:13,810
You gentlemen of
the jury are facing
3
00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:16,947
a grave responsibility.
Thank you, gentlemen.
4
00:00:17,032 --> 00:00:19,766
(bailiff) All right, please follow
me to the jury room.
5
00:00:23,038 --> 00:00:25,322
♪♪
6
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:59,239
(switch clicking)
7
00:01:07,166 --> 00:01:09,166
(grunting)
8
00:01:09,251 --> 00:01:11,017
Supposed to be
the hottest day of the year.
9
00:01:11,136 --> 00:01:12,619
Yep.
10
00:01:13,706 --> 00:01:16,089
Okay, gentlemen,
everybody's here.
11
00:01:16,208 --> 00:01:18,635
If there's anything you want,
I'll be outside.
12
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,017
Just knock.
13
00:01:20,929 --> 00:01:23,063
How'd you like it?
14
00:01:23,382 --> 00:01:25,716
I don't know.
It's pretty interesting.
15
00:01:25,851 --> 00:01:28,268
I've never been
on a jury before.
16
00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:30,103
I was falling asleep, but, uh...
17
00:01:30,222 --> 00:01:32,556
it's a pretty open
and shut case, so...
18
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:34,725
We should be out of here soon,
I think.
19
00:01:34,810 --> 00:01:35,892
(man coughs)
20
00:01:35,978 --> 00:01:38,111
All right, let's get started.
21
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:42,282
Okay, gentlemen...
can we take our seats, please?
22
00:01:42,401 --> 00:01:43,734
Yeah, let's do this fast.
23
00:01:43,869 --> 00:01:46,286
I got tickets to the Adam Levine,
Blake Shelton concert.
24
00:01:46,405 --> 00:01:47,738
They're touring together?
25
00:01:47,873 --> 00:01:50,490
Yeah, it's called
the "Garbage Dick" tour.
26
00:01:50,576 --> 00:01:52,542
(foreman)
Uh, okay, gentlemen...
27
00:01:52,628 --> 00:01:54,911
we could do this one
of a couple ways.
28
00:01:55,047 --> 00:01:58,465
We could discuss and then vote,
or we could vote right now,
29
00:01:58,584 --> 00:01:59,823
see where we stand.
30
00:01:59,848 --> 00:02:02,586
Or, you know, we could,
uh, get in a circle
31
00:02:02,721 --> 00:02:04,755
on the floor and give each other
shoulder massages.
32
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,089
I'm a little tight.
33
00:02:06,175 --> 00:02:08,342
I think it's customary
to take a preliminary vote.
34
00:02:08,427 --> 00:02:09,559
Yeah, let's vote.
35
00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:12,145
Yeah, um, who knows?
Maybe we can all go home.
36
00:02:12,264 --> 00:02:15,098
Okay. Uh, so it's got to be
a 12-0 vote,
37
00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:16,733
either way, that's the law.
38
00:02:16,819 --> 00:02:19,069
So, gentlemen,
raise your hands, please,
39
00:02:19,154 --> 00:02:22,572
if you think that Amy Schumer
is not hot enough
40
00:02:22,658 --> 00:02:24,691
to be on television.
One...
41
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,861
two, three, four, five...
42
00:02:27,946 --> 00:02:29,307
six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven...
43
00:02:29,331 --> 00:02:33,867
That's eleven votes for Amy Schumer
not hot enough for television.
44
00:02:33,952 --> 00:02:35,869
And anybody voting
the other way?
45
00:02:39,558 --> 00:02:40,741
Are you kidding me?
46
00:02:40,759 --> 00:02:42,199
I think she might be hot enough.
47
00:02:42,261 --> 00:02:45,128
Boy, oh boy, there's always one.
48
00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:47,047
(man 1) Golly, that
is unexpected.
49
00:02:47,132 --> 00:02:48,632
And when's lunch?
50
00:02:48,717 --> 00:02:50,078
So, I guess I'm gonna miss
that Shelton
51
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:51,435
"meet and greet"
that I paid for.
52
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,936
You paid for that?
53
00:02:53,021 --> 00:02:54,805
Okay, so... so what do we do now?
54
00:02:54,890 --> 00:02:55,806
I guess we talk.
55
00:02:55,891 --> 00:02:58,475
Ugh! You really think
she's attractive?
56
00:02:58,610 --> 00:03:00,777
- I don't know.
- Let's be reasonable.
57
00:03:00,863 --> 00:03:03,480
You sat in that courtroom
and saw the same potato face
58
00:03:03,565 --> 00:03:05,315
we did for three months.
Come on.
59
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:06,650
This isn't complicated.
60
00:03:06,785 --> 00:03:08,713
It's just another example
of an average-looking chick
61
00:03:08,737 --> 00:03:10,404
who watched
too much "Top Model".
62
00:03:10,489 --> 00:03:11,538
Now she thinks she belongs
63
00:03:11,657 --> 00:03:13,039
on the cover of (beep) magazine.
64
00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:14,719
I mean, I was convinced
from the first day.
65
00:03:14,743 --> 00:03:17,911
I'm actually not familiar
with (beep) magazine.
66
00:03:17,996 --> 00:03:19,396
- It's "metaphoral".
- He just means
67
00:03:19,415 --> 00:03:21,465
she looks like
an uncooked wiener.
68
00:03:21,550 --> 00:03:22,666
I was convinced too.
69
00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:25,085
Well, who wasn't?
Look, what the heck do you want?
70
00:03:25,170 --> 00:03:26,219
I just want to talk.
71
00:03:26,338 --> 00:03:27,671
I want to ask you something.
72
00:03:27,806 --> 00:03:29,673
- Would you bang her?
- All I'm saying is,
73
00:03:29,758 --> 00:03:31,558
it's not easy for me
to raise my hand
74
00:03:31,677 --> 00:03:33,757
and end a girl's life without
talking about it first.
75
00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:35,562
(sighing) What do you mean,
"end her life"?
76
00:03:35,681 --> 00:03:38,348
Well, her appearance...
so, her life.
77
00:03:38,373 --> 00:03:39,740
It's an undisputed fact
78
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:42,836
that a woman's value is
mostly determined by her looks.
79
00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:43,770
As it should be.
80
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,355
What do you think
we'll get for lunch?
81
00:03:45,441 --> 00:03:46,823
- Hot dogs?
- That's true.
82
00:03:46,909 --> 00:03:48,358
Look at Susan Boyle, right?
83
00:03:48,444 --> 00:03:49,526
The voice of an angel,
84
00:03:49,661 --> 00:03:51,256
but because she looks
like an 18th century
85
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,414
paperboy, we treat her
like toilet shoes.
86
00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:56,199
Come on!
87
00:03:56,335 --> 00:03:59,252
Can we just vote
and get this over with?
88
00:03:59,371 --> 00:04:00,682
Blake's probably in
the middle of singing
89
00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:01,786
"Hillbilly Bone" right now.
90
00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:04,291
All right, gentlemen,
we should probably
91
00:04:04,376 --> 00:04:06,256
remind ourselves
at this point that today's vote
92
00:04:06,345 --> 00:04:09,796
decides if Amy Schumer is hot
enough to be on the television.
93
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:12,015
If we decide that
she is not bangable,
94
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,468
then she's gonna lose
her television show,
95
00:04:14,553 --> 00:04:17,387
or... be put
to immediate death.
96
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,023
Or both.
I'm... I... you know...
97
00:04:20,108 --> 00:04:22,036
To be honest, I kind of...
I zoned out during that part.
98
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:24,728
Look, I'm just saying
I'm undecided, is all.
99
00:04:24,813 --> 00:04:26,897
I'm open to the idea,
but I want to be convinced.
100
00:04:26,982 --> 00:04:28,949
So maybe you all
who seem so certain
101
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,116
could try to convince me.
102
00:04:30,235 --> 00:04:32,536
Oh, I don't know!
103
00:04:32,621 --> 00:04:36,706
When I was her age,
girls felt lucky if you just
104
00:04:36,792 --> 00:04:38,775
winked at 'em and let them
make you a tuna melt.
105
00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:39,743
Hear, hear!
106
00:04:39,828 --> 00:04:42,078
Now they all think
they deserve TV shows.
107
00:04:42,214 --> 00:04:43,296
You got, uh...
108
00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:46,416
"Mindy Nightmare," and
"The Lena Girl Holocaust Hour".
109
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:48,730
Let me ask you a question,
where's Megan Fox's talk show?
110
00:04:48,754 --> 00:04:50,504
I'd see a Kate Upton sitcom.
111
00:04:50,589 --> 00:04:52,172
Okay, but are those girls funny?
112
00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:54,724
Well, no women are funny.
113
00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:56,643
But, you know, if you
have to hear them blab,
114
00:04:56,762 --> 00:04:57,962
they'd better at least be hot.
115
00:04:57,980 --> 00:04:59,396
(man 2)
Thank you!
116
00:04:59,481 --> 00:05:01,531
But they're not gonna get shows.
You know why?
117
00:05:01,617 --> 00:05:02,649
There's no room left!
118
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,268
All the slots have been
taken by these manatees.
119
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,437
Now this Amy Schumer's
gonna be in a movie?
120
00:05:07,523 --> 00:05:08,822
I mean, we gotta stop this!
121
00:05:08,941 --> 00:05:10,490
A movie?
That's too much.
122
00:05:10,609 --> 00:05:11,658
She's starring in it?
123
00:05:11,777 --> 00:05:13,844
I definitely don't think
she's protagonist hot.
124
00:05:13,929 --> 00:05:15,028
But Kevin James is?
125
00:05:15,113 --> 00:05:17,280
I don't need to think
about (bleep) him.
126
00:05:17,366 --> 00:05:19,115
That's why they hire hot chicks
127
00:05:19,201 --> 00:05:20,951
to stand around him
while he's talking.
128
00:05:21,036 --> 00:05:24,120
I thoroughly enjoyed
"Here Comes the Boom".
129
00:05:24,256 --> 00:05:26,623
Maybe she doesn't have
to not be on TV at all.
130
00:05:26,758 --> 00:05:27,986
You know, maybe
she could play somebody
131
00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:30,594
like a wacky neighbor,
or a divorced obese woman
132
00:05:30,679 --> 00:05:32,762
- with a funny dog.
- Look, the point is,
133
00:05:32,848 --> 00:05:35,131
the more she's out there
flaunting that chipmunk face,
134
00:05:35,267 --> 00:05:36,933
the more her type
becomes acceptable.
135
00:05:37,019 --> 00:05:39,052
Yeah.
People get confused.
136
00:05:39,137 --> 00:05:41,471
It could throw the standard off
for shows everywhere!
137
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,523
Yeah, they'll be thinking
that quirky-looking
138
00:05:43,642 --> 00:05:46,192
dump trucks are okay
to broadcast all over the dial.
139
00:05:46,311 --> 00:05:48,194
We can't let her do that.
(coughing)
140
00:05:48,313 --> 00:05:50,447
Less Melissa McCarthy
and more Jenny McCarthy.
141
00:05:50,532 --> 00:05:52,115
Yeah, she is the funny one.
142
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,483
Remember when she convinced us
143
00:05:53,569 --> 00:05:56,820
not to vaccinate our kids against
easily-preventable diseases?
144
00:05:56,955 --> 00:05:58,788
(men chuckling)
That was hilarious.
145
00:05:58,874 --> 00:06:01,491
You know, I was
in my prime in the '70s,
146
00:06:01,577 --> 00:06:04,494
when everybody had a shit body.
147
00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:06,079
Everyone woman looked (bleep).
148
00:06:06,164 --> 00:06:09,799
We were all hairy, and sweaty,
and we screwed all the time.
149
00:06:09,885 --> 00:06:11,635
It wasn't so bad.
150
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:12,802
I will say this, when I was
151
00:06:12,888 --> 00:06:15,055
a child in my country
watching "Facts of Life",
152
00:06:15,173 --> 00:06:18,091
sometimes I would pleasure
myself off to the not-hot one.
153
00:06:18,176 --> 00:06:19,893
I didn't even like the hot one.
154
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:20,894
What was her name?
155
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:23,063
- Blair.
- Natalie.
156
00:06:23,181 --> 00:06:24,564
- Blair.
- Blair.
157
00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:25,683
Blair.
158
00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,183
- Blair.
- Blair.
159
00:06:27,269 --> 00:06:28,652
Wait, did you say Natalie?
160
00:06:28,737 --> 00:06:31,806
Obviously...
not Natalie.
161
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:34,774
Natalie?
162
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:36,409
Come on.
163
00:06:36,528 --> 00:06:38,662
(bleep) you guys!
164
00:06:38,747 --> 00:06:42,115
I always thought Miss Garrett
had a certain je ne sais quois.
165
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,385
Clearly, it's subjective.
I'm a Jo guy.
166
00:06:45,504 --> 00:06:47,504
Ooh.
I forgot about Jo.
167
00:06:47,639 --> 00:06:48,889
She would break you in two.
168
00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:53,210
Look, we've all at some point in
our lives gotten a semi for a girl
169
00:06:53,295 --> 00:06:56,046
with a pillowy stomach
or Muppet tits.
170
00:06:56,131 --> 00:06:59,833
And that's all the system
demands for us to acquit Amy.
171
00:06:59,918 --> 00:07:02,753
Does she give us
a reasonable chub?
172
00:07:02,838 --> 00:07:03,970
Not me.
173
00:07:04,089 --> 00:07:06,423
I want to call for a vote
by secret ballot.
174
00:07:06,508 --> 00:07:08,308
I'll abstain.
175
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:09,904
If there are still 11 votes
against her,
176
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:13,513
then we'll make it a guilty
verdict and call it a day.
177
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,448
If anyone votes "Hot Enough"...
178
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,652
we'll stay
and talk this thing out.
179
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,187
I like the sound of that.
180
00:07:20,272 --> 00:07:21,605
Uh, here.
181
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:23,690
Pad, pad... take one,
pass these around.
182
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,755
Ah, thank you very much,
thank you very much.
183
00:07:38,841 --> 00:07:40,290
Thank you very much.
184
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,209
Um...
185
00:07:42,294 --> 00:07:44,294
Let's see what we got here.
186
00:07:45,547 --> 00:07:47,214
That's "Wouldn't Bang."
187
00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:50,600
"Not Hot."
"No."
188
00:07:50,686 --> 00:07:54,655
Uh, "No. Also, (bleep) you guys.
Natalie is hot."
189
00:07:59,945 --> 00:08:02,446
Mm, I think this is just
a picture of Blake Shelton?
190
00:08:02,531 --> 00:08:04,314
Oh, that's a...
That's a "No."
191
00:08:06,785 --> 00:08:08,368
And finally...
192
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,824
"Hot Enough."
(men sighing)
193
00:08:13,909 --> 00:08:17,711
Somebody's changed their vote
to "Amy Schumer is hot enough".
194
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,330
"Adam Levine just sang
195
00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:22,382
'Moves Like Jagger'
with his shirt off."
196
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,567
Come on!
197
00:08:27,023 --> 00:08:28,333
(foreman) So, somebody's
changed their vote
198
00:08:28,357 --> 00:08:32,309
to "Amy Schumer
is hot enough" for TV.
199
00:08:32,395 --> 00:08:34,528
All right, who is it?
200
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,981
Come on! I want to know
who's wasting our time!
201
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:40,150
Hey, hey, we agreed
to a secret ballot, okay?
202
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:41,652
It was you, wasn't it?
203
00:08:41,737 --> 00:08:44,154
Makes sense! Where you come
from, they worship elephants!
204
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,489
We don't worship elephants.
205
00:08:45,575 --> 00:08:47,875
One of our gods has
an elephant face.
206
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:50,211
And a human body!
His body is human, okay?!
207
00:08:50,329 --> 00:08:51,356
(all shouting)
It's on a human body!
208
00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:52,713
Ah, bologna!
Bologna!
209
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,331
He's got a human body!
210
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,666
It was me!
211
00:08:55,801 --> 00:08:57,551
Would you like to know why?
212
00:08:57,670 --> 00:09:02,306
I think she'd be grateful to get
a slip of the old prosciutt'.
213
00:09:02,391 --> 00:09:03,674
Might be a turn-on.
214
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:07,177
You get a tight little number
like Angela Lansbury,
215
00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:09,880
she'd just lay there entitled.
216
00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:13,234
Schumer'd probably work for it.
217
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:14,852
The dying man is right.
218
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,632
A desperate girl like that
will just beg you for it.
219
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:17,855
I see his point.
220
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,658
What plumps my frank is when a
girl can't do better than me.
221
00:09:20,743 --> 00:09:22,693
Right, like when
they're accessible.
222
00:09:22,778 --> 00:09:24,612
Like, uh, Rosario Dawson.
223
00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,280
Or Jennifer Aniston.
224
00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:28,249
She would shatter you in half.
225
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,167
Can we talk about facts, please?
226
00:09:30,253 --> 00:09:31,573
You're all talking
about opinions,
227
00:09:31,621 --> 00:09:34,088
but there are facts
that tell us definitively
228
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:36,373
that this woman is objectively
not appealing.
229
00:09:36,459 --> 00:09:38,542
Yes, let's talk about facts.
230
00:09:38,628 --> 00:09:42,546
I'll give you a fact.
She's a filthy whore-mouth!
231
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:45,382
Just look at her
stand-up set list.
232
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:49,270
When a woman talks like
a sailor, that's not hot!
233
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:51,288
That's unnatural!
234
00:09:51,474 --> 00:09:52,856
Just look at the words she uses
235
00:09:52,942 --> 00:09:55,225
to remember her
so-called "jokes".
236
00:09:55,311 --> 00:09:58,228
Look at this,
"reversible condoms".
237
00:09:58,314 --> 00:10:03,400
"Boner souffle".
"Pinecone pussy".
238
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:04,702
Yeah, that's only three.
239
00:10:04,787 --> 00:10:06,737
But there are about
30 words on here
240
00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:08,739
that have
nothing to do with sex.
241
00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:12,076
Uh, "First dates, airports,
Obama Muslim", see?
242
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,522
Plus, just because
she talks about sex
243
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,162
doesn't mean she sleeps around.
244
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:16,747
Well, then she's worse
than a whore.
245
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,048
She's a tease!
246
00:10:18,134 --> 00:10:19,583
Clowning around up on stage,
247
00:10:19,669 --> 00:10:21,229
yapping about her clam
without using it.
248
00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:23,921
Exactly! Why else would
she have that dildo
249
00:10:24,006 --> 00:10:25,306
they found in her green room?
250
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:26,473
- Yes!
- Hmm?
251
00:10:26,592 --> 00:10:27,925
You tell me that!
252
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:31,895
That supposedly hot
and (bleep) girl, huh?
253
00:10:31,981 --> 00:10:34,815
The one she bought that was
the size of a midget's fist!
254
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:38,018
Why do you need one of those
if guys want to (bleep) you, hmm?
255
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:40,270
Hmm?
Hmm?!
256
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:42,740
- Let's talk about that!
- All right, let's talk about it.
257
00:10:42,825 --> 00:10:44,825
Let's get it in here
and take a look at it.
258
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:45,859
You want to see the dildo?
He wants to see the dildo,
259
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:47,161
he's gonna see the dildo.
260
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,799
(man 2) We all know
what it looks like,
261
00:10:48,831 --> 00:10:50,671
but what are we gonna get
from seeing it again?
262
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,733
I'm sick of it.
I've seen it ten times!
263
00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:54,930
(man 3) The gentleman has a right
to see the exhibits in evidence.
264
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:58,288
(man 4) A dildo is pretty good
evidence no one will pork her.
265
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,925
My God, it looks like a femur.
266
00:11:02,011 --> 00:11:03,488
(man 4) I mean, why even
make those things?
267
00:11:03,512 --> 00:11:05,295
Women don't need orgasms.
268
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,297
That's science.
269
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,383
Lots of people have them.
270
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,051
I have one.
271
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,970
- Hey, what's the big idea!
- Whoa!
272
00:11:13,055 --> 00:11:14,015
What are you playing at?
273
00:11:14,056 --> 00:11:16,774
Oh, bother.
It's my wife's.
274
00:11:16,859 --> 00:11:18,892
She doesn't use it
because she's alone.
275
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:20,394
Quite the opposite, actually.
276
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:24,281
We use it, and we love it.
277
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,783
He must be hung like a hamster.
278
00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:27,534
I am perfectly average.
279
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:30,404
And I have a donkey dick.
280
00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:31,789
Hey, let's take another vote.
281
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:34,658
If anybody thinks that Amy
Schumer shouldn't be on the TV
282
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:38,412
'cause she's not hot enough
for whatever reason...
283
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:39,997
raise your hands.
284
00:11:42,418 --> 00:11:45,386
And those who think
that she is hot enough?
285
00:11:49,091 --> 00:11:51,592
You're on board
with the toad now?
286
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,845
I wanted to (bleep) Natalie,
from "Facts of Life".
287
00:11:54,930 --> 00:11:56,897
I did.
I wanted to (bleep) her,
288
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,232
and I wanted to fall asleep
with my head on her stomach.
289
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:03,437
And Amy is hotter
than Natalie, so...
290
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:06,824
I'm sorry...
but I'd (bleep) both of 'em!
291
00:12:06,909 --> 00:12:08,525
And I want to (bleep)
Blake Shelton.
292
00:12:08,611 --> 00:12:10,194
Has the world gone mad?
293
00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:12,696
This girl thinks she deserves
to be on camera?
294
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,114
She's not a "10"!
295
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,033
Maybe you're not a "10" either.
296
00:12:16,118 --> 00:12:17,034
- (bleep) you, man!
- (all) Hey, hey, hey!
297
00:12:17,119 --> 00:12:19,286
(bleep) you, man!
(bleep) you!
298
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,205
Do you really mean that?
299
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:23,090
Do you really
want to (bleep) me?
300
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:27,428
Or are you just being a tease?
301
00:12:38,607 --> 00:12:41,391
So, you just carry that
around wherever you go?
302
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,311
In case a dildo-based
argument breaks out?
303
00:12:50,553 --> 00:12:52,586
♪♪
304
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:03,564
(foreman) So we've now voted
16 more times,
305
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,200
and the vote now stands at 9-3
306
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:10,371
in favor of Amy Schumer
is hot enough.
307
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:14,375
So we're kind of
in a pickle here.
308
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,077
(traffic honking)
309
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,581
(man 5) I'm willing to listen
to your arguments.
310
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,334
I just still don't have
a reasonable chub.
311
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:24,752
And honestly, I'm losing faith
312
00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:27,088
that you're going to be able
to convince me to have one.
313
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,007
Do you wear your glasses when
you watch television at night?
314
00:13:30,093 --> 00:13:32,593
Like, when you're in bed
before you go to sleep?
315
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,429
Well, not always.
Why?
316
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,034
Do we really need
to look at her again?
317
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,231
She's built like a lineman,
318
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,484
and she has Cabbage
Patch-like features.
319
00:13:39,602 --> 00:13:41,436
Her ass makes me furious!
320
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,905
I mean, it's just sitting there,
like an asshole.
321
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,606
And her mouth!
It's so small.
322
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,636
How does a girl get so big
with a mouth that small?
323
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,660
Yeah.
(chuckling)
324
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,278
How far away is your TV
from your bed?
325
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,580
- I'd say about ten feet.
- Okay.
326
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:53,759
I'm gonna measure out ten feet.
327
00:13:53,783 --> 00:13:56,284
Oh, for crying out loud!
328
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,454
- This is a circus!
- Nine... ten.
329
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,372
Take a look at her now.
330
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:04,792
What do you think?
331
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:05,793
Pass.
332
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,795
Okay, fine.
Take your glasses off.
333
00:14:09,632 --> 00:14:11,132
When you're in bed,
do you drink?
334
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,099
Every night until I black out.
335
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,518
- What of it?
- Yeah, what of it?
336
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:15,219
So, you're laying in bed drunk.
337
00:14:15,305 --> 00:14:18,222
You don't have your glasses on,
so some of her flaws are softened.
338
00:14:18,308 --> 00:14:19,350
Correct.
339
00:14:19,375 --> 00:14:22,501
So you're just seeing
a general blondeness.
340
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:25,446
And legs, and boobs,
and, presumably, a vagina.
341
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,447
Presumably.
342
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:30,651
If you left your glasses off...
isn't it possible...
343
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:34,188
you would consider at least
a few exploratory tugs?
344
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,876
I would.
345
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,831
I have a reasonable chub.
Excuse me.
346
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,586
(man 2) This doesn't
mean anything.
347
00:14:48,671 --> 00:14:49,837
I got perfect eyesight.
348
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,340
She never stops looking
like John C. Reilly to me.
349
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,809
Why can't we have
Marilyn Monroe back, huh?
350
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,727
Do you know what size
Marilyn Monroe was?
351
00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:00,848
- She was an eight!
- So?
352
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,351
- Amy's a six.
- I don't give a damn!
353
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,020
- Do you have a reasonable chub?
- Get out of my face!
354
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:07,805
- Do you have a reasonable chub?
- No!
355
00:15:07,924 --> 00:15:09,273
Let's see it!
Prove it!
356
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:15,329
- He does.
- That's a chub.
357
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,664
It's a full chub.
358
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,533
God help me.
359
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,430
Am I the only one
thinking with his dick?!
360
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,967
Just look at her!
361
00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:37,718
This isn't someone I want to see
362
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,720
come out of
a bathroom at Penn Station,
363
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,722
let alone on my TV in my home!
364
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:44,725
What, 'cause
they can tell a joke
365
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,171
they think that's gonna
make you forget
366
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,897
they have an ass on 'em like
a mom on disability, huh?
367
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,950
Oh, 'cause she's a little
charming, and insightful?
368
00:15:54,404 --> 00:15:57,955
And her... her hair
smells like apple pie...
369
00:15:58,074 --> 00:15:59,957
you're gonna secretly
fall in love with her?
370
00:16:01,077 --> 00:16:02,493
And ask her to prom...
(choking up)
371
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,881
And you're gonna turn me down?!
372
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,466
You (bleep) bitch, Tonya!
373
00:16:08,585 --> 00:16:10,918
Why didn't
you like me back? Why?!
374
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,087
(quietly)
You...
375
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:19,060
(crying)
376
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,845
All right.
377
00:16:20,930 --> 00:16:23,931
You can be on TV.
I'd bang her!
378
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,399
Basic cable.
379
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,152
(crying)
380
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,938
Okay, gentlemen...
381
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,940
gather your coats
and come along with me.
382
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,443
♪♪
383
00:17:46,683 --> 00:17:48,849
(footsteps approaching)
384
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,568
Oh, your Honor!
385
00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,903
Oh, Amy.
I didn't see you there.
386
00:17:53,022 --> 00:17:54,905
I thought you were
a garden gnome.
387
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,108
Well, the verdict is in.
388
00:17:57,193 --> 00:18:00,361
The jury agreed that
they would bang you.
389
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,862
(sighing)
Yes!
390
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,116
You're hot enough for
basic cable television.
391
00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:07,251
Thank you, your Honor.
Thank you so much!
392
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:08,397
Oh, wait a minute,
where are you going?
393
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,870
They've all left.
394
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,607
I'm going to get my dildo.
395
00:18:14,877 --> 00:18:18,362
I'd give that ass a... four?
396
00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:24,969
♪♪
397
00:18:36,497 --> 00:18:38,881
- Did you ever see "Twelve Angry Men"?
- No.
398
00:18:38,966 --> 00:18:40,583
- Have you heard of it?
- Yes.
399
00:18:40,718 --> 00:18:41,750
Good enough.
(chuckling)
400
00:18:41,836 --> 00:18:42,980
Did you ever see
"Twelve Angry Men"?
401
00:18:43,004 --> 00:18:44,004
Yeah, I read the play.
402
00:18:44,055 --> 00:18:44,920
Do you think people want to see
403
00:18:45,006 --> 00:18:47,640
a remake of a '50s play, um,
404
00:18:47,758 --> 00:18:50,259
because we told Comedy Central
that the answer was "Yes".
405
00:18:50,344 --> 00:18:51,371
Did you ever see
"Twelve Angry Men"?
406
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:52,595
- Yeah.
- Wouldn't you love
407
00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:54,263
to see like a remake of that?
408
00:18:55,349 --> 00:18:56,982
- No.
- Shut up!
409
00:18:57,101 --> 00:18:59,485
Who's your favorite girl
on "Facts of Life"?
410
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:01,520
(chuckling)
Natalie?
411
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:07,027
All right.
(chuckling)
412
00:19:07,078 --> 00:19:08,661
A man who stands in his power.
413
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:11,280
Do you think that you have
to be hot to be on TV?
414
00:19:11,415 --> 00:19:12,698
- Kind of, yeah.
- Yeah.
415
00:19:12,783 --> 00:19:15,784
- Who's the hottest woman on TV?
- Sofia "Vergata"?
416
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,120
Sofia "Vergata"?
Vergara?
417
00:19:18,256 --> 00:19:19,288
"Modern Family" woman.
418
00:19:19,423 --> 00:19:21,757
Sofia Vergara
and her accent, her boobs.
419
00:19:21,842 --> 00:19:22,708
(Amy) Do you think she's funny?
420
00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:25,427
- Uh, not entirely, no.
- Okay, okay.
421
00:19:25,513 --> 00:19:27,024
But you're happy when
you see her come on-screen?
422
00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:27,963
Yes.
423
00:19:28,049 --> 00:19:30,966
Would you watch a talk show
if it were hosted by Kate Upton?
424
00:19:31,052 --> 00:19:32,212
I mean, yeah, for Kate Upton.
425
00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:33,852
- Kate Middleton?
- Yeah.
426
00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:35,187
- Mary-Kate Olsen?
- No.
427
00:19:35,306 --> 00:19:38,557
"Kate... Plus 8".
428
00:19:38,643 --> 00:19:40,059
I have no idea what that is.
429
00:19:40,177 --> 00:19:42,861
♪♪
430
00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:44,780
(knocking at door)
431
00:19:44,865 --> 00:19:45,926
(man 2) What are we gonna get...
432
00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,816
Can we see the dildo, please?
433
00:19:47,902 --> 00:19:48,817
(director) Cut. Let's get that
one more time.
434
00:19:48,903 --> 00:19:49,903
(laughter)
435
00:19:49,954 --> 00:19:52,037
He frightened me.
(laughter)
436
00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:54,624
It's my... (thumping)
437
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:56,875
- Mm-hmm.
- Pork her.
438
00:19:59,413 --> 00:20:01,246
(chuckling)
439
00:20:01,332 --> 00:20:04,466
You're hot enough for
basic cable television.
440
00:20:04,552 --> 00:20:07,419
But... I was on trial
for vehicular manslaughter.
441
00:20:07,505 --> 00:20:08,921
Uh...
442
00:20:10,257 --> 00:20:11,735
(director) Let's... let's, uh...
Let's talk about it.
443
00:20:11,759 --> 00:20:12,641
Now you give me one of those.
444
00:20:12,727 --> 00:20:14,893
Oh, right! Um...
(laughter)
445
00:20:15,012 --> 00:20:17,062
What about the (bleep)?!
446
00:20:18,182 --> 00:20:19,348
She's built like a lineman,
447
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:22,067
and she has Cabbage
Patch-like features.
448
00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:24,269
Her ass makes me furious!
449
00:20:25,439 --> 00:20:27,356
It's just...
450
00:20:27,441 --> 00:20:29,024
Sitting there like an assho...
451
00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:32,027
(laughter)
452
00:20:33,331 --> 00:20:34,641
(man 2) And then
there's her mouth!
453
00:20:34,665 --> 00:20:37,866
(laughter)
454
00:20:37,952 --> 00:20:39,201
Keep going, I'm fine.
455
00:20:39,286 --> 00:20:41,086
(laughter)
456
00:20:41,205 --> 00:20:43,672
He's still in the... (laughter)
457
00:20:43,758 --> 00:20:45,207
(woman)
So easy!
458
00:20:45,292 --> 00:20:46,292
(man)
Mmm, magic!
33583
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