All language subtitles for Inside.Amy.Schumer.S03E01.HDTV.x264-MiNDTHEGAP-eng

♪ Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade ♪

♪ Milk, milk lemonade ♪

♪ 'Round the corner
fudge is made ♪

It's where your poop comes out.

This seems to be
the year of the ass.

I think the ass is overtaking
the boobs, definitely.

Do you think the tits
could ever make a comeback?

The tits will always be there,
everyone loves titties.

- Everyone loves titties.
- Everyone loves titties.

Do you think tits will
ever make a comeback?

- I hope so.
- We can only pray.

Please, Lord.
Please make tits come back.

Lord, hear our prayer.

Can you describe
the perfect ass?

Not too small.

Not too firm, not too soft.

Stretch marks are okay.
(Amy laughing)

This sounds like
the worst futon ever.

I feel like you're assuming
that I have ass stretch marks

and you're right.

Can you describe
your perfect ass?

Has to be dry.

- I've got a girl for you.
- Really?

I'm out, immediately.

I shit myself in Austin when I
was going for a walk recently.

♪♪

(morning announcer)
It's Monday and that means

the big game against Galveston
is just a few days away.

We're praying that new guy,
Coach Thompson,

is getting our
Bronconeers ready for combat.

You the new football
coach down at the high school?

Yes, sir.
Coach Thompson.

- This is my wife, Amy.
- Hey, y'all.

Coach Crawford was like family.

You got some big shoes to fill.

We sure love our football around
here, more than anything.

My wife baked you
up a pecan crumb.

- Go Bronconeers!
- Bronconeers.

Ain't it good to be the coach?

(wine splashing)

Woo!

♪ She could get it all night ♪

♪ Night, night, night,
night, night, night ♪

♪ She could get it ♪

(radio switches off)

Now, I'm not sure
what you heard about me,

but I do things
a little different

than y'all are used to
here in Stewford Heights.

This season, we're gonna
be the first team

in the county to run
a no-huddle offense.

- What?
- You don't like that?

You can just look at my 14-2
record Northeast last year.

Second, we do
two-a-days every day.

Mm-hmm.

And third, now, I just need you
go to with me on this one.

(marker screeching)

(boy)
No raping?

But coach, we play football.

My team, my rules.

You don't like it, don't let the
door rape you on the way out.

(clipboard slamming on floor)

- Can we rape at away games?
- Nope.

What if it's Halloween and
she's dressed like a sexy cat?

- Nope.
- What if she thinks it's rape

- but I don't?
- (Coach Thompson) Still no.

What about, like,
a sexy ladybug?

- (boy) Ah, yeah.
- Mm.

Nope.
(disappointed sighing)

A ghost?
What about a sexy owl?

(bell ringing)

Sexy Transformer?

What if my mom is the D.A.
and won't prosecute?

- Can I rape?
- No, you cannot.

(disappointed sighing)

What if she's drunk
and has a slight reputation

and no one's gonna believe her?

- That ain't allowed.
- Okay.

The girl said yes to me
the other day,

- but it was about something else.
- No.

What if the girl said yes

but then she changes her mind out
of nowhere, like a crazy person.

You gotta stop.

- No, you gotta stop!
- (boys) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Hey!

(boy)
Where did that come from?

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

(woman)
Hey.

You're that new coach
who don't like raping.

(woman 2) How are our boys supposed
to celebrate when they win?

Or blow off steam if they lose?

(hocking a loogie, spitting)

That's not very
neighborly, ladies.

These folks,
that's just their way, okay?

You can't bring a wet mule
around a hot corn oven.

- Yeah, that's the truth.
- Right?

How about just backing off this
whole no raping thing for now?

- No, I know, I...
- We've been through this...

I know we've been through it and
I know we have a daughter, okay?

I know that and I love her,
but I am so tired.

I don't know why,
but I am, you know?

(sighing)

(knocking on door)

Hey, Coach, um...
can I come in?

Sure.

Uh, I'm sorry to bother
you at home, Coach,

but you're the closest thing
I ever had to a dad

and I just wanna, you know, ask.

Go ahead, son.

But, like, what if someone
else is raping her, right,

and I'm just, like,
filming it on my phone?

No, no, it's still a no.
You're just as guilty...

but you already
knew that, right?

(laughing)

(splashing)

♪♪

(sports announcer) The Bronconeers
are taking a beating out there.

Oh, we got a hard hit on
Cunningham and he is down.

It's pretty severe.

Just give it to me
straight, Doc.

Will my boy ever rape again?

Afraid not.

(crying) It's okay.
It's okay.

It's okay.

(sports announcer) Bronconeers are
really feeling Cunningham's loss.

They're down 15 points.

(whistle blowing)
And that's halftime, folks.

We should not
be losing this game.

Dugan, what the hell were
you thinking out there

on that last play, son?

I was... I was
thinking about raping.

God damn it.

(crashing, rattling)

How do I get through to you boys
that football isn't about rape?

It's about violently dominating
anyone that stands

between you and what you want.

Now, you gotta get yourself
into the mindset

that you are gods...

- Yeah.
- And you are entitled to this.

(boy)
Yeah!

That other team,
they ain't just gonna lay down

- and give it to you.
- (boy) No!

You gotta go out
there and take it.

(all cheering)

Now let's get out there.

(boys)
Yeah.

Clear eyes.

Full hearts.

(all)
Don't rape!

(indistinct shouting)

- Woo!
- Yeah.

Ain't it good to be the coach?

I love you, baby.

(crowd cheering)

♪ There she goes
like a shooting star ♪

♪ She got fireworks
in her heart ♪

♪ Lighting up this world... ♪

(women laughing)

(woman) You guys.
You never slept with him.

You don't know
what you're missing.

(woman 2)
No way!

It's crazy.

Hi.
Are you lost?

Um, I'm sorry.

I just... I love
all of you, I can't...

(laughing) I can't
believe you're here.

You're, like,
literally my heroes.

(Julia)
God, you look familiar.

Are you that girl
from the television

who talks about her
pussy all the time?

Yes!

That... Yes, thank you.

- How fun. Well, come sit.
- Please.

- (laughing) Come on.
- Yeah.

Come talk about
your pussy over here.

(Amy giggling)

Is it... Is it someone's
birthday or...

Oh.

Kind of the opposite.

We're celebrating Julia's
last (bleep)able day.

(Julia)
Yes, salud.

Woo!
Woohoo!

Um, I'm sorry, did you say
Julia's last (bleep)able day?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

What is that?

In every actress' life,
the media decides when you finally

reach the point where you're not
believably (bleep)able anymore.

But... I mean, how do you know?

Who tells you?

Well, nobody...
Nobody really overtly tells you,

- Right.
- But there are signs.

You know how Sally Field
was Tom Hanks' love interest

in "Punchline" and then,
like, 20 minutes later,

she was his mom
in "Forest Gump"?

Or you might get
offered a romcom

with Jack Nicholson
where you're competing

with another woman
to (bleep) him.

I just had an audition for
Mrs. Claus.

- You're kidding me.
- I read for that part.

I read for that, too.

- (Julia) You did?
- Yes.

- Hey, who got that?
- J.Lo.

(gasping)
Oh, she'll be good.

- She's gonna be really good.
- (Julia) Really good.

Or you go to a movie set,

you go to wardrobe
and the only thing

they have for you to wear
are long sweaters,

like cover you up
head to toe kind of thing.

Right, or, like,
the poster for your movie

is just, like,
a picture of a kitchen.

Yeah.

With these very uplifting
and yet vague titles, like,

"Whatever It Takes" or
"She Means Well."

That kind of thing, right?

Another common sign is when they
ostart remaking your best movies

with younger, more
(bleep)able actresses.

I guess they're making "Boyhood"
with Selena Gomez in my part.

That's gonna make
a lot of money.

I don't understand.
You're all so (bleep)able.

Like, believe me, no one
was more surprised than me

that they let me stay
(bleep)able throughout my 40s

and the fact that it
continued into my 50s.

This was just like,
thanks, but...

I thought that US Weekly
had made some sort of

a clerical error or something.

Tell me about it.

If you shoot a sex scene
the night before your birthday,

everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up,
we gotta get it before midnight,

'cause they think your vagina
is gonna turn into a hermit crab.

Well, is there anything
you can do to delay it?

Yeah, I mean, you can try,
but it only makes it worse,

like those Real Housewives.

They try to look young, but then
they end up looking like a purse

- that melted in a car accident.
- Yeah.

They look like when a kid
draws a face on its hand.

But what about men?
Like, who tells men

when it's their
last (bleep)able day?

(all laughing)

- Honey, men don't have that day.
- Never.

Well, they're
(bleep)able forever.

They could be 100 and, like,
nothing but white spiders

coming out,
but they're (bleep)able.

I didn't get this commercial
last week for AARP

because the director said I was too
old to play Larry King's wife.

I heard that Bruce Willis

just got engaged to a girl
who is 24 years younger than him

and I heard that
she's an actual baby lamb.

What?
Really?

Mm, Google it.

So, wait, are you guys,
like, bummed at all?

(Julia) What?
No.

Are you kidding me?
I'm thrilled.

Ecstatic.

I mean, I don't have
to deal with this,

maintaining this anymore.

I mean, it's just such...
It's a godsend.

I can grow my pubes out, it's...

Look at this.
See this ice cream?

It's been sitting
out here for an hour.

You wanna know why?
Watch this, baby.

(all chanting)
Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

- (Amy chuckling) Oh, my God!
- Woo!

(belching)

Whoa! (laughing)

(farting)

- Oh, whoa.
- (Tina) Hilo!

(all laughing)

(Julia)
All right.

You know what's next.
Let's go do this thing.

- Where are we going?
- To do the ritual.

And then we put her in the boat
and we push her out into the water

and we drink champagne
to salute how (bleep)able

she was for so many years.

- It's nice.
- (Julia) Yeah, It's really nice.

(all shouting)
Cheers.

(laughing)

And where is she going?

- Home.
- Wait, what?

Tina, no!

Seriously, relax.
She's just going to her house.

I gotta get clothes that I've
got to get out of the dryer.

(exhaling)
Okay, I was right.

She's an actual baby lamb.

- Oh.
- Oh.

(Julia)
Can I see it?

Oh.

Good for them.

- I'm out.
- Okay, bye, I'll see you.

(kissing)

What are you doing?

I'm just gonna, um,
go home and wax my beard.

When does that start?

I'm fine with old, old guys
dating young, beautiful women.

Like, I think that's very cool

and they usually have
a really cool origin story.

(audience laughing)

Like, if the story is,
like, let me guess.

You're really rich...

and you didn't want to see people
at the Olive Garden anymore.

Is that... Did I get it?

Like, it's never, like,
he's a struggling something.

No.

It's gross,
'cause I, like, try to...

Now guys, like, think I can help
them, so they want to (bleep) me

'cause they think I'll, like,
do their podcast and, uh...

(laughing)

and I will.

And if anyone here... I will do.

Talk about and it's
a good time for women.

I just think, like, for age,
like, just date someone who uses

the same size font
on their cell phone as you.

That should be the rule.

If you're, like, normal and he's,
like, the top of an eye chart,

like, go back on Tinder.

Um...

(announcer)
You live a busy life.

The last thing you want
to have to worry about

is your birth control pill.

That's why we're introducing
OrthoEsterin, a new low-dose

daily birth control pill
with little to no side effects.

Ask your doctor if birth control
is right for you.

Then ask your boss if birth
control is right for you.

Ask your boss to ask his priest.

Find a boy scout
and see what he thinks.

Tap a mailman on the shoulder.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.

Tell him you didn't
mean to startle him.

Then ask him if birth control
is right for you.

Put it online and see
how many likes it gets.

Come on.

(announcer) Ask an old black man
and an Asian boy

playing chess in the park.

Should I start
this new birth control?

Then ask them how
they became friends,

because there has just
got to be a story there.

I'm trying to get birth control.

Ask someone who just got one
of those cochlear implants

and is hearing
for the very first time.

Yeah, but can
I get birth control?

Ask Jeeves.

I'm supposed to ask you, too.

Ask your mom's new boyfriend.

Then ask the Supreme Court.

Finally, ask yourself why you
insist on having sex for fun.

No refills?

I have to go through
all this again next month?

Yep.
See you then.

- Can I have a gun?
- Yep.

Remember, that's your right.

So Bailey Jay,
you are a transsexual.

- I am.
- You have a (bleep).

That is a fact.

Just answer all the questions
that everyone always asks you

that you're sick of answering.

I pee sitting down.
I don't use the men's room.

What about when
you were younger.

What was... What was up?

It was, like, the world
thought I was a girl

- before I was figuring it out.
- Oh, okay.

Substitute teachers
called me she, I hated it,

it was, like, so embarrassing.

- Yeah.
- And then I was really effeminate.

I would have had to get
on testosterone therapy

if I wanted to look
like a normal person.

Right.

So I was like, let's try
estrogen and grow boobs

and see how that
works out, and it did.

- And look at you now.
- Look at me now, so.

- You are very gorgeous.
- Thank you.

Do you deal with a lot of...

Like, more attention than you
want to deal with?

I live in the middle of nowhere.

Right.

So, like, if you don't
look like a pile of garbage,

- you will get a lot of attention.
- Completely, I understand that.

That's why I'm thinking of
moving to your town.

- You should, 'cause it's awesome.
- Right?

I'll just be the belle
of the ball.

I moved to Brooklyn for a little
bit and I was like, all right,

I'm a Brooklyn seven.

- Right, let me go...
- Kind of a bummer.

- Let me go to Poughkeepsie.
- Poughkeepsie, 25.

Yeah.

When I walk into the grocery
store, I'm like Beyoncé,

like everyone's
just like, who's she?

What's up?

Did you ever think about...

snipping off your...
penis?

- Um, not...
- I've never...

Believe it or not, I've never
asked anyone that before.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

There's times I want
to wear yoga pants.

Right.

And not look like I have a toddler
shoved down the front of my pants.

- Like...
- Mhm, you want a little camel.

- Right.
- Maybe a little camel.

It's cute, vaginas are cute,
in theory.

My vagina looks like a sandwich
from Delfonte's, but that's...

But this isn't about me.
This isn't about me.

- You are married.
- I am married.

So how did you meet
your husband and...

Um, he was a photographer.

He was like, hey, I want to
shoot pictures of you

and I was like, hey,
I have a penis.

And he was like,
that is interesting.

What was it like to watch him
sort of enter this situation

that... I'm assuming he'd
just been straight before.

Yeah, yeah, and he still
considers himself straight now,

but yeah, he...

He was just kind of like, hey,
this person's very attractive,

- Yeah.
- I really like them.

They happen to have a penis,

so we already have
something in common.

Right.

And so that was a
good jumping off point.

It turns out that guys
don't hate penises.

They're obsessed with their own.

They take pictures of it
all day long with their phone.

Absolutely.

So then I have a penis
and I don't get a period

and I like anal, so we just...

- We made it work.
- You're the perfect woman.

We made it work.

You are absolutely
the perfect woman.

What do you jerk
off to... lately?

I jerk off to everything.

I jerk off to weird...
I jerk off to everything.

Like what?

- Is it porn...
- What?

- That you jerk off to?
- Yes, oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't use my
imagination, I have testicles.

Gotcha.

I always watch "Laurel Canyon".

- Wait, what is that?
- It's a movie with Christian Bale.

Oh, my God.
Okay, took a second, okay.

What do you think the biggest
misconception is

about someone who's trans?

Oh, easily that transgender
women are...

Try to trick men.

Do you think "The Crying Game"
gave everybody, like,

a tough break or...

Trans movies in general
are such a bummer.

Like "Boys Don't Cry".

I always try to specify that
at the end of the day,

I'm not, like, taking off
a wig and sobbing, like.

Just, like, unwrapping
all the tape,

- keeping your dick down.
- Right, like, the real me.

Like, that doesn't happen.

Usually when I tell people,
they're cool,

- like...
- Yeah.

So mostly everybody.

Yeah, like, I... It sucks.

I wish I had the story.

No, I swear, I don't...

I'm so happy.
(laughing)

I am so happy to hear that.

There's no part of me that's,
like, when were you, like,

beaten and raped to death?

I'm, like, very happy
to hear that.

Yeah, people are pretty good
when you're...

- You know what, though?
- What?

If I didn't, maybe,
look the way I did,

I don't think I'd be...

I don't think
it's human niceness,

I think it's people think
with their dick sometimes.

Oh, you're right.
It's more a shallow thing.

- So it's still terrible.
- Yeah.

But it seems like that might
be changing a little bit.

- Things are changing so much.
- Right.

Like, Joe Biden mentioned us.

- Yeah.
- It's like, yeah!

- I bet he did.
- So that's good.

Yeah. (laughing)

That does not surprise me.

♪♪

I think that sex
is explained incorrectly,

as far as genders go.

It's like, men love sex
and women just deal with it.

Right?
Every movie, every TV show,

the guy gets home from work
and he's like, honey?

How about tonight?

And she's always like, bleh!

You know I hate your dick,
laundry, laundry.

(laughter and applause)

I don't know any girls
like that, right?

Also, it's always such
a tiny, little pile of laundry.

It's like,
not enough for a load.

Which I think should be
the title of my next special.

Um...

I don't know what's
making me so tired, but I am.

(laughing)

You know what, guys?
It's time.

(sniffing)

Where are we going?
You wanna come?

- To do the ritual.
- (woman) Julia, just give me

"All right, I'm ready."
(laughter)

(woman)
So easy.

(man)
Mmm, magic.