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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:02,084 Oh. 2 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:03,385 What? 3 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,037 Tim and Lauren broke up. 4 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,388 Oh, no. 5 00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:08,507 Yeah, but they always had that trust stuff. 6 00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:11,260 So glad we're not like that. 7 00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,312 - Yep. - Yeah. 8 00:00:13,379 --> 00:00:15,564 I'm gonna go take a shower. 9 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,857 (water running) 10 00:00:26,242 --> 00:00:29,278 Teddy bears? 11 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:30,796 "I Love Amy" bear? 12 00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:37,469 Happywithmygirlfreind.com? 13 00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:44,426 Of course. 14 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,295 Asian girls. 15 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,713 Here we go. 16 00:00:49,366 --> 00:00:50,883 The Chrysanthemum Fund? 17 00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:54,420 Helping victims of the Southeast Asian cyclone. 18 00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:58,524 Autofill. 19 00:00:58,591 --> 00:00:59,975 "Putting her needs before mine." 20 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,810 "What would our babies look like?" 21 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:07,066 "How to make her as happy as she makes me!" 22 00:01:07,117 --> 00:01:09,902 Google history. 23 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,940 "Girlfriend only gets hotter as she ages, how does she do it?" 24 00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,825 Okay. Okay. 25 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,079 "How to explain to girlfriend you're extremely wealthy." 26 00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:21,747 Oh my God, I'm rich! 27 00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:25,617 Babe? 28 00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,586 Are you almost done in there? 29 00:01:27,637 --> 00:01:29,254 (man) Almost. 30 00:01:29,305 --> 00:01:30,806 I miss you. 31 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,424 (sighs) 32 00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:34,459 I'm the only girl in the world. 33 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,961 I'm the cyclone. 34 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,063 I'm the cyclone. 35 00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:39,565 Here's your donation! 36 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,733 (grunting) 37 00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,069 (panting) 38 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,655 Coming, babe. 39 00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:49,608 ♪♪ 40 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,667 Clap if you've ever seen a Tyler Perry movie. 41 00:01:58,751 --> 00:01:59,751 Clap. 42 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,836 (clapping) 43 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,297 Black people, don't look at each other. 44 00:02:02,321 --> 00:02:04,706 That's, that's not... This wasn't for you. 45 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,993 I just wanted to see the rest of these people lie. 46 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,494 Um... 47 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,264 ♪♪ 48 00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:13,632 (announcer) Thanks for watching 49 00:02:13,683 --> 00:02:15,968 the epic finale of "Cupcake Wars". 50 00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:17,169 What should we watch? 51 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,470 Uh, you wanna do a movie? 52 00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:19,972 What time is it? 53 00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:22,858 11:30? All right. 54 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:25,978 If we watch a 90 minute movie, I'd take an Ambien in an hour... 55 00:02:26,029 --> 00:02:28,063 You wanna take a shower. 56 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,314 No, I'm not. 57 00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,566 All right, whatever. 58 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,018 You wanna see what's on demand? 59 00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,854 Yeah, what are the free ones? 60 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,466 (announcer) See it live with Pay-Per-View 61 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,324 from Time Warner Cable. 62 00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:42,360 Catch Reese Witherspoon in "Squiggle Dumb Dumb". 63 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,912 Jim Carrey in "Holocaust Downs." 64 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,714 Oh, my God, can you mute it? 65 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,398 - I'm going to kill myself. - I'm trying. 66 00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,921 All right, any of these... Do you like these? 67 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,706 Mmm. 68 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,225 Uh, what's "Lake Placid"? 69 00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,477 Uh, "An enormous crocodile..." 70 00:02:58,544 --> 00:02:59,728 No, no, no. 71 00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:01,563 Read more descriptions. 72 00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,049 "Kevin Kline is a single father renovating a secret barn..." 73 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,400 Mm-mm. 74 00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:06,718 "In 1950s Lebanon..." 75 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,936 No. 76 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,189 Ooh, "Pitch Perfect"! 77 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,556 No. No, no, no. 78 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,835 We're not watching "Pitch Perfect" again. 79 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,026 You liked it. 80 00:03:14,077 --> 00:03:15,277 No, I dealt with it. 81 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,912 Let's go to the Showtime movies. 82 00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,580 Yeah, no. 83 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,400 Oh, we have that documentary on whale fracking. 84 00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,869 It's like, the worst kind of fracking. 85 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,572 I think they found a worse fracking since they made that. 86 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:28,205 There's no way. 87 00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:29,933 I dunno, we know we're gonna watch it. 88 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,410 - Like we're definitely watching it. - Right, okay. 89 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,080 So, just... but tonight doesn't feel like the right night. 90 00:03:34,104 --> 00:03:34,771 All right, I agree. 91 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,181 We'll definitely watch it. 92 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,493 - We'll do something else. - Yeah, just find something.. 93 00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:40,052 What about, uh, "Amore"? 94 00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:42,271 No, I don't feel like hearing accents. 95 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,056 - I think it's "Amor". - "Amor". 96 00:03:44,107 --> 00:03:45,757 "Spring Breakers". 97 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,996 - "Paranormal Sexual Assault". - No. 98 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,282 "The Decapitating". "The Frightening". 99 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,701 - "The Crispening". - What? 100 00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:56,952 "The Worsening". 101 00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:59,454 "The Haunting of David Finklestein". 102 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:00,939 There's "Evil Dead". 103 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,291 No. 104 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,126 No, I'm like, already scared all the time. 105 00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:05,794 I really don't want to add to that. 106 00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,556 Someone told me it's not actually not that scary. 107 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,131 It's more like just light raping. 108 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,049 What's the description? 109 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,968 "'Evil Dead.' Captured in the woods, 110 00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:14,363 "an injured girl is restrained in a basement. 111 00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,948 "Her father sets her on fire and shoots her dead. 112 00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,172 Which is what she deserves." 113 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,557 No. I just want to relax. 114 00:04:18,624 --> 00:04:19,758 All right. 115 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,463 He made a "Twilight"? 116 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,898 Why aren't you using Page Down? 117 00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:29,601 - I'm using Page Down. - Oh. 118 00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:32,304 "The Darker the Berry The Sweeter the Drank"? 119 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:33,488 That's true. 120 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,407 You want to start a series? 121 00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:36,942 I never saw "Carnivàle" on HBO. 122 00:04:36,993 --> 00:04:38,143 Ooh, "Cocktail"! 123 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:39,828 What? What? 124 00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,079 "Cocktail". The movie. 125 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,364 I don't think I've seen that. 126 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,616 - Are you serious? - Yeah. 127 00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,119 Tom Cruise is a struggling flair bartender. 128 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:49,254 You never saw "Cocktail"? 129 00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:51,089 Oh my God, it's so good, it's amazing. 130 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,184 No, that's it, we're watching it. 131 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,792 - Well, no... - We're watching it. 132 00:04:53,843 --> 00:04:54,382 You've already seen it. 133 00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:55,369 Yeah, but I want to watch you watch it. 134 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,095 Oh, it's so awesome. 135 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,297 - We're watching it. - Fine. 136 00:04:58,348 --> 00:04:59,514 We're doing it. 137 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,833 "Cocktail". 138 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,186 You're gonna freak out. 139 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,638 Oh, my God. 140 00:05:06,689 --> 00:05:12,811 (music plays on TV) 141 00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:21,703 I feel like I'm remembering 142 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,856 they don't start bartending for, like, 10 minutes into the movie. 143 00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,658 I'm just going to fast forward to that. 144 00:05:26,709 --> 00:05:29,027 But just the set-up, like, he's having a hard time. 145 00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:31,029 Oh my God, this part. 146 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,665 Oh my God. 147 00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:35,133 Oh my God. 148 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,562 (man) You wanna see a cocktail menu? 149 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,753 (man 2) Uh, no. 150 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,606 I'm not drinking, thanks. 151 00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,311 (bell chimes) 152 00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,230 - Yeah, he caught it. - Okay. 153 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,548 So is that... Is that kind of the gist of it? 154 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,267 They just do tricks. 155 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:56,238 Like, so much... They get into so many shenanigans. 156 00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,246 Oh, we need ice cream. 157 00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,230 I'm going to go get some ice cream. 158 00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,915 - What... - I'm gonna run out. 159 00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:07,812 If you're going to be gone, I'll pause it. 160 00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:08,442 No, no, no, don't pause it. 161 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,584 Watch it. You... Watch this. 162 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:13,505 You're gonna... watch it. 163 00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:15,052 (man) Are these peanuts for everybody? 164 00:06:15,091 --> 00:06:16,241 (man 2) Yeah. 165 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:19,711 (man) Oh wow, great bar. 166 00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:34,259 ♪ When I'm leave you're gonna long for me ♪ 167 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,278 ♪ When you longing for my kiss ♪ 168 00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,029 ♪ You'll long for more than this ♪ 169 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:41,116 ♪ When I leave you'll long for me ♪ 170 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,785 ♪♪ 171 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,620 Okay, I'm going to name Tyler Perry movies. 172 00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,539 You tell me if they're real or fake. 173 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,740 - Okay. - Okay? 174 00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,775 "I Can Do Bad All By Myself". 175 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,943 - Fake. - Real. 176 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,795 Real... "Madea Goes to Trenton". 177 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:54,779 - Fake. - Fake. 178 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,632 "A Strong, Strong..." 179 00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,618 These titles are ridiculous. 180 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,421 Tyler Perry's "Put Some Stank On It". 181 00:07:02,472 --> 00:07:04,456 Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right. 182 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,891 No, it's not. 183 00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:07,309 "Why Did I Get Married Too". 184 00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:08,960 - Not a title. - It is a title. 185 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,622 "The Darker the Berry the Sweeter the Drank." 186 00:07:10,646 --> 00:07:12,013 (Bleep). 187 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,982 I can't say the fake titles without laughing. 188 00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:16,067 ♪♪ 189 00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:21,640 That was fun. Your friends are really great. 190 00:07:22,291 --> 00:07:26,628 Yesterday I told a brief story with a point and a definite ending. 191 00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:28,497 What's happening to me? 192 00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,549 (announcer) Feeling like less of a woman? 193 00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:31,800 (whispering) Yeah. 194 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:33,752 Lately I've been arguing rationally 195 00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:36,788 without bringing up some (bleep) from three years ago. 196 00:07:36,839 --> 00:07:38,557 Am I dying? 197 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,426 (announcer) Losing what makes you feminine? 198 00:07:41,477 --> 00:07:43,728 I saw a strange text on my boyfriend's cell phone 199 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,463 and I just trusted him. 200 00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:47,732 I didn't freak the (bleep) out. 201 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,985 (announcer) You might not just be getting older. 202 00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:54,239 You might have a condition called Low Estrogen, or Low-E, 203 00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:57,609 and it might be time to talk to your doctor about SandraGel. 204 00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,494 SandraGel is a cream 205 00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,980 you have to rub on your hands in an exaggerated way. 206 00:08:02,031 --> 00:08:03,648 A lot. 207 00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:06,168 SandraGel increases estrogen when used daily. 208 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,313 I just feel like if she really cares about her friends, 209 00:08:08,337 --> 00:08:10,298 like, she'll call them and it won't just be all about... 210 00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:11,590 Are you listening to me? 211 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:12,991 (announcer) In clinical study, 212 00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:14,876 women who used SandraGel immediately reported 213 00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:18,380 an increase in unfounded suspicions, crying at work, 214 00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,242 and dishing it out without being able to take it. 215 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:23,468 Can you give me some space, please? 216 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,686 God. 217 00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:26,221 God, Jesus. 218 00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:27,482 (announcer) Serious side effects include 219 00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:29,057 vaginal worsening and stigmata. 220 00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,342 Thanks, SandraGel! 221 00:08:31,394 --> 00:08:34,396 What? What? 222 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,031 Why is your cell phone have a code? 223 00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,449 What do you need a code for? 224 00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,035 ♪♪ 225 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:41,853 What are women like? 226 00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:43,187 Can you describe them in general? 227 00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:47,792 I would say that they typically are sweet, kind. 228 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:51,329 - You are so... - They can also be... 229 00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,248 Uh, demanding. 230 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:54,532 Um. 231 00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:56,751 They're completely, sometimes, delusional. 232 00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:59,037 I can't have this on TV. 233 00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:00,348 - I got to stop this. - This is so funny. 234 00:09:00,372 --> 00:09:03,174 ♪♪ 235 00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:05,143 (announcer) Behind every great doctor 236 00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,846 is an even greater "The Nurses." 237 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,982 Welcome to "The Nurses," 238 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:14,319 the show that you watch while you're waiting for the doctors. 239 00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:15,737 I know what you're all thinking. 240 00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,522 You want to see the doctors right away, 241 00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:20,692 but you're just going to have to settle for the unsung heroes 242 00:09:20,743 --> 00:09:22,994 up here who do all the real work. 243 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,530 And don't worry, we know more than the doctors, okay? 244 00:09:25,581 --> 00:09:27,032 If you don't have a fever 245 00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,927 and you blow your nose and it's clear, you're fine. 246 00:09:28,951 --> 00:09:30,234 That's right. 247 00:09:30,286 --> 00:09:32,420 Because doctors can be very unapproachable. 248 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,039 It's like, we get it, Your Grace. 249 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,423 You're super busy. 250 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,841 And we're not busy? Please. 251 00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,126 Don't give us any attitude. 252 00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,911 If you are rude, we're rude. 253 00:09:39,962 --> 00:09:41,412 We'll give it right back to you. 254 00:09:41,464 --> 00:09:43,848 (audience claps) Thank you. 255 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:47,418 Okay, let's take a question from the studio audience. 256 00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:49,437 Yeah, thanks, hi. 257 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:53,058 I've been told that my cholesterol is... 258 00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:54,592 Step on the scale, please. 259 00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:57,612 Wow, okay. 260 00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,648 Uh, you want me to remove my shoes? 261 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,949 (all) It doesn't matter. 262 00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,870 My cholesterol is too high. 263 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,323 What can I do to address this issue? 264 00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,824 I guess, like, Google it? 265 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,877 You know what, you gotta wash your hands. 266 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,163 And wash them longer than you think, okay? 267 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,048 Two "Happy Birthdays." 268 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,250 A doctor would say that my cholesterol is connected 269 00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,386 to washing my hands? 270 00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,004 I'll tell you what a doctor would say. 271 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,523 "Blah, blah, I want to bang every pharmaceutical rep 272 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,560 that walks through my office door in a pencil skirt. Blah." 273 00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,289 That's what a doctor would say. (audience claps) 274 00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:32,797 It's like, I wear pencil skirts, you know? 275 00:10:32,848 --> 00:10:36,434 I wear 'em all the time, and I can't even Dr. Rosen to look at me. 276 00:10:36,485 --> 00:10:39,804 Okay, this isn't really the time for that. 277 00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:41,106 Thank you. 278 00:10:41,157 --> 00:10:43,742 Here. Piss in this. 279 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,578 Do you want me to leave it in the bathroom or bring it out? 280 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,196 (all) Doesn't matter. 281 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,782 I can't today. I can't. 282 00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,561 Okay, we are getting a lot of questions about 283 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,419 keeping your doodies regular. 284 00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:58,840 Mm-hmm, Here's what I do: Coffee and a cigarette. 285 00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:02,210 Boom, like clockwork every day. 286 00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:03,712 Easy, thank you. (audience claps) 287 00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:06,097 You're welcome. 288 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,516 Happy birthday, Jocelyn! 289 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,268 Oh, you guys. 290 00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:11,569 (Amy) Jocie! 291 00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,722 - A cookie cake! - Yeah. 292 00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,690 My favorite! 293 00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,525 We know you love cookie cake. 294 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:18,860 Happy birthday. 295 00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:20,678 Everyone owes me $3. 296 00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,113 I'm actually not going to have any. 297 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,982 Even if you're not gonna have any. 298 00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:26,901 It's a party, okay? 299 00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,154 Yeah, I have a question about prescriptions? 300 00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:31,456 Sir, we will call you when we're ready for you. 301 00:11:31,523 --> 00:11:34,325 Okay? I did not forget about you. 302 00:11:34,377 --> 00:11:35,960 Sit down. 303 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,330 (clears throat) 304 00:11:52,395 --> 00:11:54,545 Sir? 305 00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:56,047 Sir! 306 00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:57,265 We're ready for you now. 307 00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,027 Even though we're technically still on break. 308 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,102 What's your emergency question? 309 00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,821 My question is about prescriptions. 310 00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,272 Step on the scale. 311 00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:06,191 Is she talking to the air? Step on it. 312 00:12:06,242 --> 00:12:08,392 Ahh! 313 00:12:08,444 --> 00:12:10,095 Oh, no! 314 00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,281 (screaming) 315 00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,582 Oh, God! 316 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,117 My legs are cut off! 317 00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:18,420 Someone, please, call the doctors! 318 00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:19,754 Call the doctors! 319 00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:21,589 - Uh. - He's gonna die on television! 320 00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,758 Someone get a doctor! 321 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,043 Look at his legs! 322 00:12:25,094 --> 00:12:26,261 It's in half! 323 00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,213 Both legs are in half! 324 00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:29,431 Dr. Patel? 325 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,715 Oh, what a shocker. 326 00:12:30,766 --> 00:12:32,006 Well, can somebody go find him? 327 00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,769 ♪♪ 328 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:36,805 - Are you a good nurse? - Of course. 329 00:12:36,889 --> 00:12:38,523 What's the vibe with nurses and doctors? 330 00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,458 Like, did you ever make out with one in, like, 331 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,260 the room where there's beds? 332 00:12:42,311 --> 00:12:44,145 Um. No. 333 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,309 It's like the newer thing... no, no. 334 00:12:46,335 --> 00:12:47,474 Nobody's hooking up anymore. 335 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:48,960 It's like new seasons of "The Real World". 336 00:12:48,984 --> 00:12:50,485 Like, nobody's really (bleep). 337 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,454 ♪♪ 338 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,023 ♪♪ 339 00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,394 No one was hurt, but it looks like that's the last time that bear 340 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,862 will be going to Whole Foods. 341 00:13:00,929 --> 00:13:02,197 Amy. 342 00:13:02,264 --> 00:13:04,149 I hope you're right about that, Fleet. 343 00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:06,767 Oh, they're having a bear of a time though, aren't they? 344 00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:08,203 I can hardly bear it. 345 00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,071 (laughing) 346 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,456 Oh. 347 00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,125 Everyone's talking about the record-setting cold 348 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,044 we've been experiencing this winter 349 00:13:16,111 --> 00:13:17,773 with temperatures dropping into the single digits. 350 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:21,449 We went to Central Park to talk to people about how they're coping. 351 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,918 Well, it's been so cold, it's just hard to do everything. 352 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,287 Well, not everything. 353 00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:28,456 Seth, shut up. 354 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,426 What an adorably cold couple. 355 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,770 Certainly looks like they're going to be 356 00:13:32,794 --> 00:13:34,345 keeping each other warm, huh, Am? 357 00:13:34,430 --> 00:13:36,397 (forced laughing) 358 00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:39,150 Yes. 359 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,935 I'm sorry. 360 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,104 Rob, can we see those last two people again? 361 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,139 Is something wrong, Amy? 362 00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,158 Just show those people again, please. 363 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,360 It's just hard to do everything. 364 00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,446 Well, not everything. 365 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,498 Okay, that's my boyfriend. 366 00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:54,976 What? I thought you were on a break. 367 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,478 You sent out that email you were on a break. 368 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,986 Well, he's obviously not taking a break. 369 00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,465 - We're still live, Am. - He's not on break. 370 00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:02,006 - Definitely live. - Okay. 371 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,925 - Still live. - Okay, sorry about that. 372 00:14:03,992 --> 00:14:07,795 In Washington Heights this morning, a gruesome discovery. 373 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,825 An elderly woman was found brutally murdered in her... 374 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,216 Is she hotter than me? 375 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,467 What? Amy, get it together. 376 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,968 Is she hotter than me? 377 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,270 It's a simple question, folks. 378 00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:16,855 Chime in. 379 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,283 We're gonna... we'll take your answers on Twitter. 380 00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,108 - Was that... - In her apartment. 381 00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:22,360 She was brutally murdered in her apartment. 382 00:14:22,478 --> 00:14:24,112 Back to you, Fleet. 383 00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,233 Thanks, Amy. 384 00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:30,477 A candlelight vigil is being held at the United Nations 385 00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:32,871 - tonight in honor of... - I mean, she's Asian, 386 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,466 but she wasn't even, like, a hot Asian. 387 00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,184 I mean, she may as well not have even been Asian... 388 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,129 Five teenagers tonight are being accused... 389 00:14:37,155 --> 00:14:37,883 Was she Taiwanese or something? 390 00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,860 Of a hate crime after they were caught 391 00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,380 - spray-painting swastikas... - I mean, look at this. 392 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,050 In the parking lot of a local Chipotle... 393 00:14:44,074 --> 00:14:45,441 All of them are students at the local high school... 394 00:14:45,465 --> 00:14:47,802 How many exclamation points is he gonna put? 395 00:14:47,869 --> 00:14:49,147 Where the teacher said they had a history 396 00:14:49,171 --> 00:14:50,838 - of disruptive behavior. - Look at this. 397 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,694 Principal John Robbins says that the 398 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,766 school will be instituting new classes... 399 00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,404 - that teach tolerance. - Really, we're on a break. 400 00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:57,896 In other news, 401 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,958 Madison Square Garden will be undergoing renovations... 402 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,992 Pick up the phone, (bleep). 403 00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:01,900 - Pick up the phone. - This summer. 404 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,985 Yeah, I just saw you! 405 00:15:04,052 --> 00:15:05,997 MSG officials have said the renovations are necessary 406 00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:07,215 - to accommodate increasingly elaborate - I just saw you on my news. 407 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,056 - Live musical performances, - Yes! 408 00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,225 Many of which now include pyrotechnics 409 00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:12,587 - and detailed multimedia presentations. - You weren't trying to miss me? 410 00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,195 You're so full of (bleep)! 411 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:17,007 They'll also be increasing the venue's capacity from 20,000 to 22,000. 412 00:15:17,065 --> 00:15:18,516 Your dick is garbage, do you hear me? 413 00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:19,928 - Mayor de Blasio welcomed the news - I'm gonna find you, mother(bleep). 414 00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,763 Calling Madison Square Garden the heart of Midtown. 415 00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,371 Bob! Am I the only (bleep) one here? 416 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,672 Can't you wrangle this (bleep)? 417 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,426 ♪♪ 418 00:15:29,911 --> 00:15:31,296 How'd you guys meet? 419 00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:34,098 I met him with my ex-boyfriend at his birthday party. 420 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,433 Whoa! 421 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:36,851 Imagine that. 422 00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,353 And you hadn't broken up yet? 423 00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:39,687 - No. - Yikes. 424 00:15:39,755 --> 00:15:41,422 How'd you break up with him? 425 00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:42,734 You just left the party with Brad. 426 00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,025 Basically. 427 00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:45,926 Do you ever Google an ex? 428 00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:47,928 No, not really. 429 00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,280 - Come on! - All right, once. 430 00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,615 (laughing) 431 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,932 Yeah, totally, I knew that. 432 00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:53,484 Just... just to see what happened. 433 00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,603 - Make sure their lives are dog (bleep). - Right. 434 00:15:55,671 --> 00:15:56,671 ♪♪ 435 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,558 ♪♪ 436 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,197 Michelle, you were a flight attendant. 437 00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:08,199 - Yes. - What were the regulations? 438 00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:10,618 You had to be a specific weight according to your height 439 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,913 and you literally had to get on a scale 440 00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:14,105 - in front of your supervisor. - Oh, my God. 441 00:16:14,156 --> 00:16:16,574 And they would pull you off the line if you were over. 442 00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:19,110 - Until you lost it. - (bleep). 443 00:16:19,161 --> 00:16:20,628 I feel like on planes, 444 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:21,756 flight attendants are always like, 445 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,082 "Look, our first job here is safety." 446 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,750 Yeah. 447 00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,586 And I'm like, "But I want a drink." 448 00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,088 - Yes, exactly. - You know? 449 00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:31,199 I mean, yeah, I mean, people think that you're there 450 00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:32,123 to serve them dinner, basically. 451 00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,624 If there's any turbulence, 452 00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:35,960 I look right to flight attendants 453 00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,795 - to see if you guys are freaking out. - Yes. 454 00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:39,347 And they never are. 455 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,233 If it's serious, you take a big drop fast. 456 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,301 So, you would know when that was happening. 457 00:16:44,353 --> 00:16:46,631 I mean, I've heard stories about somebody, like, actually, 458 00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:48,823 like, a flight attendant going up through the ceiling 459 00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:50,992 of the, you know, just, you know, the... 460 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,579 I feel like you should know what the top of a plane is called. 461 00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,197 Yeah, exactly. It's kind of vital. 462 00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:57,915 The drop ceiling, I guess. 463 00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,060 I'm not saying, like, through the plane. 464 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,502 You're like, "What's it called? The front?" 465 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,788 Why do we have to put our seats up one inch? 466 00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:05,840 It's for safety and security. 467 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:11,095 Why is it safer to be like this instead of like this? 468 00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,774 Yeah, it doesn't make much of a difference. 469 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,683 - Were you ever scared? - You know, sometimes, 470 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,135 emergency situations would happen 471 00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,854 and you wouldn't know how serious they were until after the fact. 472 00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,249 For example, something like aborted takeoffs. 473 00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:22,313 Aborted takeoffs feel like 474 00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:23,668 they're just slamming on the brakes. 475 00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:24,055 Yeah. 476 00:17:24,081 --> 00:17:25,170 It doesn't feel like it's that dangerous. 477 00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:26,694 However, it is really dangerous. 478 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,529 Uh, I think everyone in the back is probably 479 00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:29,530 waiting for me to make an abortion joke, 480 00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,566 but I'm not gonna do it. 481 00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,185 And it's only because I couldn't think of one. 482 00:17:34,236 --> 00:17:36,664 Do you ever think about kind of like (bleep) with the passengers 483 00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:37,966 when there's a little turbulence? 484 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,707 - Being like, "Ahh!" - No. 485 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,909 No? All right, well, that's good, yeah. 486 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,745 When I think a plane might be going down, 487 00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,724 - I try and, like, think of good memories. - Yeah. 488 00:17:45,748 --> 00:17:48,068 Or like, uh, or I'll put on a song that I'd want to die to. 489 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,201 What do you do? 490 00:17:50,252 --> 00:17:52,346 I think maybe think about people that you love, you know? 491 00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,115 Try and send them good energy on the way out. 492 00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:56,151 Right, right, but if you don't have those, what do you... 493 00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:58,843 No, I'm just kidding. 494 00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:01,763 What's a way to, uh, get a flight attendant 495 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:04,015 to not be really mean to you for no reason? 496 00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:06,234 I think just be really nice to them, first of all. 497 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,569 I go into a flight, like, 498 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,071 I'm going to have the best energy, 499 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:14,275 and I'm not going to be needy and, it's, you know, and, uh... 500 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,030 But still, any little request is met with kind of a fury 501 00:18:19,114 --> 00:18:21,699 that I can't even believe. 502 00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,061 Everyone asks about the Mile High Club, I'm sure. 503 00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:24,752 Yeah, yeah. 504 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,264 Have you encountered a lot of people (bleep) in the... 505 00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:27,381 Flight attendants totally know when it's happening. 506 00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:29,040 - Of course. - Yeah. 507 00:18:29,091 --> 00:18:29,924 Because, you know, the galley is rocking, you know? 508 00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,959 Right, sure. 509 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,763 And also, we can open the lavatory doors from the outside. 510 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,131 So, like, at any point in time, 511 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,660 they can just barge in on you if they wanted to. 512 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:39,851 It'd be pretty embarrassing. 513 00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,352 But then you have to have seen... 514 00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:42,887 Yeah, who wants to see that, exactly? 515 00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:44,282 And also it's kind of, like, revolting. 516 00:18:44,306 --> 00:18:45,733 Even the idea of it to most flight attendants 517 00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:46,868 is revolting 'cause those bathrooms are so... 518 00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,253 It's the smallest bathroom. Most disgusting. 519 00:18:48,277 --> 00:18:49,977 And they're gross. 520 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,780 It doesn't make any sense how you could even do that. 521 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,949 Like, you've never done that? 522 00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,267 No, I have not ever done it. 523 00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:57,702 Um, did you ever think about it? 524 00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,655 Yeah, I thought about it. 525 00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:05,042 Do pilots all act like they know you want to (bleep) them? 526 00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,577 Yes. 527 00:19:06,628 --> 00:19:07,945 - Right? - Yeah, they totally do. 528 00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:10,164 And, you know, I mean, in some cases they're right. 529 00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,800 When flight attendants walk through the aisles 530 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:16,921 toward the end of the flight saying, "Trash? Trash?" 531 00:19:16,972 --> 00:19:19,257 We know what you're doing. 532 00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:21,342 ♪♪ 533 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,896 I bought a pregnancy test recently. 534 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,264 And it was so weird. 535 00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,982 There's so many now. 536 00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:31,102 There's, like... There was one that cost $3.99. 537 00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:36,307 Like, is that really where you want to cut corners, uh? 538 00:19:36,358 --> 00:19:38,943 Is that where you want to use a Groupon, like, 539 00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:41,996 to find out if you're with child? 540 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,865 Is that a great idea? 541 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,176 When I bought the pregnancy test, 542 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,985 the girl at the drugstore had the balls 543 00:19:48,036 --> 00:19:49,887 when I walked up to buy it to be like, 544 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:53,291 "Are you excited?" 545 00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:56,093 I was like, "Yeah, that's why I'm here at midnight 546 00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:58,212 "on a Tuesday in sweatpants. 547 00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,515 "I'm ecstatic. 548 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,350 "Do you have a bathroom here? 549 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,852 "Can I pee on this strip, and then we'll raise it together. 550 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,804 (bleep) you." 551 00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:07,855 ♪♪ 552 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,141 Someone help this man! 553 00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:11,675 I can't help him! 554 00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:12,894 I can't help him! 555 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,178 You're still on the phone? 556 00:20:14,229 --> 00:20:15,279 You're having a party. 557 00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:17,114 They're having a party. 558 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,866 I'm so sorry, they're having cake. 559 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,184 They're having a cookie cake. 560 00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:21,685 (man) Cut. 561 00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:22,820 (all laughing) 562 00:20:24,406 --> 00:20:25,823 (woman) It's so easy. 563 00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:26,874 (man) Mm, magic. 40140

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