Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:02,084
Oh.
2
00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:03,385
What?
3
00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,037
Tim and Lauren broke up.
4
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,388
Oh, no.
5
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:08,507
Yeah, but they always
had that trust stuff.
6
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:11,260
So glad we're not like that.
7
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,312
- Yep.
- Yeah.
8
00:00:13,379 --> 00:00:15,564
I'm gonna go take a shower.
9
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,857
(water running)
10
00:00:26,242 --> 00:00:29,278
Teddy bears?
11
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:30,796
"I Love Amy" bear?
12
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:37,469
Happywithmygirlfreind.com?
13
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:44,426
Of course.
14
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,295
Asian girls.
15
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,713
Here we go.
16
00:00:49,366 --> 00:00:50,883
The Chrysanthemum Fund?
17
00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:54,420
Helping victims
of the Southeast Asian cyclone.
18
00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:58,524
Autofill.
19
00:00:58,591 --> 00:00:59,975
"Putting her needs
before mine."
20
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,810
"What would
our babies look like?"
21
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:07,066
"How to make her as happy
as she makes me!"
22
00:01:07,117 --> 00:01:09,902
Google history.
23
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,940
"Girlfriend only gets hotter as
she ages, how does she do it?"
24
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,825
Okay. Okay.
25
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,079
"How to explain to girlfriend
you're extremely wealthy."
26
00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:21,747
Oh my God, I'm rich!
27
00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:25,617
Babe?
28
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,586
Are you almost done in there?
29
00:01:27,637 --> 00:01:29,254
(man) Almost.
30
00:01:29,305 --> 00:01:30,806
I miss you.
31
00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,424
(sighs)
32
00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:34,459
I'm the only girl in the world.
33
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,961
I'm the cyclone.
34
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,063
I'm the cyclone.
35
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:39,565
Here's your donation!
36
00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,733
(grunting)
37
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,069
(panting)
38
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,655
Coming, babe.
39
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:49,608
♪♪
40
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,667
Clap if you've ever
seen a Tyler Perry movie.
41
00:01:58,751 --> 00:01:59,751
Clap.
42
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,836
(clapping)
43
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,297
Black people,
don't look at each other.
44
00:02:02,321 --> 00:02:04,706
That's, that's not...
This wasn't for you.
45
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,993
I just wanted to see
the rest of these people lie.
46
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,494
Um...
47
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,264
♪♪
48
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:13,632
(announcer)
Thanks for watching
49
00:02:13,683 --> 00:02:15,968
the epic finale
of "Cupcake Wars".
50
00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:17,169
What should we watch?
51
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,470
Uh, you wanna do a movie?
52
00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:19,972
What time is it?
53
00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:22,858
11:30?
All right.
54
00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:25,978
If we watch a 90 minute movie,
I'd take an Ambien in an hour...
55
00:02:26,029 --> 00:02:28,063
You wanna take a shower.
56
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,314
No, I'm not.
57
00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,566
All right, whatever.
58
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,018
You wanna see what's on demand?
59
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,854
Yeah, what are the free ones?
60
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,466
(announcer)
See it live with Pay-Per-View
61
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,324
from Time Warner Cable.
62
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:42,360
Catch Reese Witherspoon in
"Squiggle Dumb Dumb".
63
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,912
Jim Carrey in
"Holocaust Downs."
64
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,714
Oh, my God, can you mute it?
65
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,398
- I'm going to kill myself.
- I'm trying.
66
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,921
All right, any of these...
Do you like these?
67
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,706
Mmm.
68
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,225
Uh, what's "Lake Placid"?
69
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,477
Uh, "An enormous crocodile..."
70
00:02:58,544 --> 00:02:59,728
No, no, no.
71
00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:01,563
Read more descriptions.
72
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,049
"Kevin Kline is a single father
renovating a secret barn..."
73
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,400
Mm-mm.
74
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:06,718
"In 1950s Lebanon..."
75
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,936
No.
76
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,189
Ooh, "Pitch Perfect"!
77
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,556
No.
No, no, no.
78
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,835
We're not watching
"Pitch Perfect" again.
79
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,026
You liked it.
80
00:03:14,077 --> 00:03:15,277
No, I dealt with it.
81
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,912
Let's go to the Showtime movies.
82
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,580
Yeah, no.
83
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,400
Oh, we have that documentary
on whale fracking.
84
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,869
It's like,
the worst kind of fracking.
85
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,572
I think they found a worse
fracking since they made that.
86
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:28,205
There's no way.
87
00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:29,933
I dunno, we know
we're gonna watch it.
88
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,410
- Like we're definitely watching it.
- Right, okay.
89
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,080
So, just... but tonight doesn't
feel like the right night.
90
00:03:34,104 --> 00:03:34,771
All right, I agree.
91
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,181
We'll definitely watch it.
92
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,493
- We'll do something else.
- Yeah, just find something..
93
00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:40,052
What about, uh, "Amore"?
94
00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:42,271
No, I don't feel
like hearing accents.
95
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,056
- I think it's "Amor".
- "Amor".
96
00:03:44,107 --> 00:03:45,757
"Spring Breakers".
97
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,996
- "Paranormal Sexual Assault".
- No.
98
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,282
"The Decapitating".
"The Frightening".
99
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,701
- "The Crispening".
- What?
100
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:56,952
"The Worsening".
101
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:59,454
"The Haunting
of David Finklestein".
102
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:00,939
There's "Evil Dead".
103
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,291
No.
104
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,126
No, I'm like,
already scared all the time.
105
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:05,794
I really don't want
to add to that.
106
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,556
Someone told me it's
not actually not that scary.
107
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,131
It's more like just
light raping.
108
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,049
What's the description?
109
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,968
"'Evil Dead.'
Captured in the woods,
110
00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:14,363
"an injured girl is restrained
in a basement.
111
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,948
"Her father sets her
on fire and shoots her dead.
112
00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,172
Which is what she deserves."
113
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,557
No. I just want to relax.
114
00:04:18,624 --> 00:04:19,758
All right.
115
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,463
He made a "Twilight"?
116
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,898
Why aren't you using Page Down?
117
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:29,601
- I'm using Page Down.
- Oh.
118
00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:32,304
"The Darker the Berry
The Sweeter the Drank"?
119
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:33,488
That's true.
120
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,407
You want to start a series?
121
00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:36,942
I never saw "Carnivàle" on HBO.
122
00:04:36,993 --> 00:04:38,143
Ooh, "Cocktail"!
123
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:39,828
What? What?
124
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,079
"Cocktail". The movie.
125
00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,364
I don't think I've seen that.
126
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,616
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
127
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,119
Tom Cruise is a struggling
flair bartender.
128
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:49,254
You never saw "Cocktail"?
129
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:51,089
Oh my God, it's so good,
it's amazing.
130
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,184
No, that's it,
we're watching it.
131
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,792
- Well, no...
- We're watching it.
132
00:04:53,843 --> 00:04:54,382
You've already seen it.
133
00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:55,369
Yeah, but I want to
watch you watch it.
134
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,095
Oh, it's so awesome.
135
00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,297
- We're watching it.
- Fine.
136
00:04:58,348 --> 00:04:59,514
We're doing it.
137
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,833
"Cocktail".
138
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,186
You're gonna freak out.
139
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,638
Oh, my God.
140
00:05:06,689 --> 00:05:12,811
(music plays on TV)
141
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:21,703
I feel like I'm remembering
142
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,856
they don't start bartending for,
like, 10 minutes into the movie.
143
00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,658
I'm just going
to fast forward to that.
144
00:05:26,709 --> 00:05:29,027
But just the set-up, like,
he's having a hard time.
145
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:31,029
Oh my God, this part.
146
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,665
Oh my God.
147
00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:35,133
Oh my God.
148
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,562
(man)
You wanna see a cocktail menu?
149
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,753
(man 2) Uh, no.
150
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,606
I'm not drinking, thanks.
151
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,311
(bell chimes)
152
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,230
- Yeah, he caught it.
- Okay.
153
00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,548
So is that...
Is that kind of the gist of it?
154
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,267
They just do tricks.
155
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:56,238
Like, so much... They get into
so many shenanigans.
156
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,246
Oh, we need ice cream.
157
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,230
I'm going to go
get some ice cream.
158
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,915
- What...
- I'm gonna run out.
159
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:07,812
If you're going to be
gone, I'll pause it.
160
00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:08,442
No, no, no, don't pause it.
161
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,584
Watch it.
You... Watch this.
162
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:13,505
You're gonna... watch it.
163
00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:15,052
(man) Are these peanuts
for everybody?
164
00:06:15,091 --> 00:06:16,241
(man 2) Yeah.
165
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:19,711
(man) Oh wow, great bar.
166
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:34,259
♪ When I'm leave
you're gonna long for me ♪
167
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,278
♪ When you longing
for my kiss ♪
168
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,029
♪ You'll long
for more than this ♪
169
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:41,116
♪ When I leave you'll
long for me ♪
170
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,785
♪♪
171
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,620
Okay, I'm going to name
Tyler Perry movies.
172
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,539
You tell me
if they're real or fake.
173
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,740
- Okay.
- Okay?
174
00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,775
"I Can Do Bad All By Myself".
175
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,943
- Fake.
- Real.
176
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,795
Real... "Madea Goes to Trenton".
177
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:54,779
- Fake.
- Fake.
178
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,632
"A Strong, Strong..."
179
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,618
These titles are ridiculous.
180
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,421
Tyler Perry's
"Put Some Stank On It".
181
00:07:02,472 --> 00:07:04,456
Yeah, yeah,
that sounds about right.
182
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,891
No, it's not.
183
00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:07,309
"Why Did I Get Married Too".
184
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:08,960
- Not a title.
- It is a title.
185
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,622
"The Darker the Berry
the Sweeter the Drank."
186
00:07:10,646 --> 00:07:12,013
(Bleep).
187
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,982
I can't say the fake titles
without laughing.
188
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:16,067
♪♪
189
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:21,640
That was fun.
Your friends are really great.
190
00:07:22,291 --> 00:07:26,628
Yesterday I told a brief story with
a point and a definite ending.
191
00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:28,497
What's happening to me?
192
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,549
(announcer)
Feeling like less of a woman?
193
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:31,800
(whispering) Yeah.
194
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:33,752
Lately I've been
arguing rationally
195
00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:36,788
without bringing up some
(bleep) from three years ago.
196
00:07:36,839 --> 00:07:38,557
Am I dying?
197
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,426
(announcer)
Losing what makes you feminine?
198
00:07:41,477 --> 00:07:43,728
I saw a strange text
on my boyfriend's cell phone
199
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,463
and I just trusted him.
200
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:47,732
I didn't freak the (bleep) out.
201
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,985
(announcer) You might not
just be getting older.
202
00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:54,239
You might have a condition
called Low Estrogen, or Low-E,
203
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:57,609
and it might be time to talk
to your doctor about SandraGel.
204
00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,494
SandraGel is a cream
205
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,980
you have to rub on your hands
in an exaggerated way.
206
00:08:02,031 --> 00:08:03,648
A lot.
207
00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:06,168
SandraGel increases
estrogen when used daily.
208
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,313
I just feel like if she
really cares about her friends,
209
00:08:08,337 --> 00:08:10,298
like, she'll call them
and it won't just be all about...
210
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:11,590
Are you listening to me?
211
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:12,991
(announcer) In clinical study,
212
00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:14,876
women who used SandraGel
immediately reported
213
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:18,380
an increase in unfounded
suspicions, crying at work,
214
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,242
and dishing it out without
being able to take it.
215
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:23,468
Can you give me
some space, please?
216
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,686
God.
217
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:26,221
God, Jesus.
218
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:27,482
(announcer)
Serious side effects include
219
00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:29,057
vaginal worsening and stigmata.
220
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,342
Thanks, SandraGel!
221
00:08:31,394 --> 00:08:34,396
What? What?
222
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,031
Why is your cell phone
have a code?
223
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,449
What do you need a code for?
224
00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,035
♪♪
225
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:41,853
What are women like?
226
00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:43,187
Can you describe them
in general?
227
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:47,792
I would say that they
typically are sweet, kind.
228
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:51,329
- You are so...
- They can also be...
229
00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,248
Uh, demanding.
230
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:54,532
Um.
231
00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:56,751
They're completely,
sometimes, delusional.
232
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:59,037
I can't have this on TV.
233
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:00,348
- I got to stop this.
- This is so funny.
234
00:09:00,372 --> 00:09:03,174
♪♪
235
00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:05,143
(announcer)
Behind every great doctor
236
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,846
is an even greater "The Nurses."
237
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,982
Welcome to "The Nurses,"
238
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:14,319
the show that you watch while
you're waiting for the doctors.
239
00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:15,737
I know what you're all thinking.
240
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,522
You want to see the doctors
right away,
241
00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:20,692
but you're just going to have
to settle for the unsung heroes
242
00:09:20,743 --> 00:09:22,994
up here who do
all the real work.
243
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,530
And don't worry, we know more
than the doctors, okay?
244
00:09:25,581 --> 00:09:27,032
If you don't have a fever
245
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,927
and you blow your nose
and it's clear, you're fine.
246
00:09:28,951 --> 00:09:30,234
That's right.
247
00:09:30,286 --> 00:09:32,420
Because doctors can be
very unapproachable.
248
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,039
It's like, we get it,
Your Grace.
249
00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,423
You're super busy.
250
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,841
And we're not busy?
Please.
251
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,126
Don't give us any attitude.
252
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,911
If you are rude, we're rude.
253
00:09:39,962 --> 00:09:41,412
We'll give it right back to you.
254
00:09:41,464 --> 00:09:43,848
(audience claps) Thank you.
255
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:47,418
Okay, let's take a question
from the studio audience.
256
00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:49,437
Yeah, thanks, hi.
257
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:53,058
I've been told
that my cholesterol is...
258
00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:54,592
Step on the scale, please.
259
00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:57,612
Wow, okay.
260
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,648
Uh, you want me
to remove my shoes?
261
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,949
(all) It doesn't matter.
262
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,870
My cholesterol is too high.
263
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,323
What can I do
to address this issue?
264
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,824
I guess, like, Google it?
265
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,877
You know what,
you gotta wash your hands.
266
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,163
And wash them longer
than you think, okay?
267
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,048
Two "Happy Birthdays."
268
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,250
A doctor would say that
my cholesterol is connected
269
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,386
to washing my hands?
270
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,004
I'll tell you what a doctor
would say.
271
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,523
"Blah, blah, I want to bang
every pharmaceutical rep
272
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,560
that walks through my office
door in a pencil skirt. Blah."
273
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,289
That's what a doctor would say.
(audience claps)
274
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:32,797
It's like, I wear
pencil skirts, you know?
275
00:10:32,848 --> 00:10:36,434
I wear 'em all the time, and I can't
even Dr. Rosen to look at me.
276
00:10:36,485 --> 00:10:39,804
Okay, this isn't really
the time for that.
277
00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:41,106
Thank you.
278
00:10:41,157 --> 00:10:43,742
Here.
Piss in this.
279
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,578
Do you want me to leave it in
the bathroom or bring it out?
280
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,196
(all) Doesn't matter.
281
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,782
I can't today. I can't.
282
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,561
Okay, we are getting a lot
of questions about
283
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,419
keeping your doodies regular.
284
00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:58,840
Mm-hmm, Here's what I do:
Coffee and a cigarette.
285
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:02,210
Boom, like clockwork every day.
286
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:03,712
Easy, thank you.
(audience claps)
287
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:06,097
You're welcome.
288
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,516
Happy birthday, Jocelyn!
289
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,268
Oh, you guys.
290
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:11,569
(Amy) Jocie!
291
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,722
- A cookie cake!
- Yeah.
292
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,690
My favorite!
293
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,525
We know you love cookie cake.
294
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:18,860
Happy birthday.
295
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:20,678
Everyone owes me $3.
296
00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,113
I'm actually not
going to have any.
297
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,982
Even if you're not
gonna have any.
298
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:26,901
It's a party, okay?
299
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,154
Yeah, I have a question
about prescriptions?
300
00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:31,456
Sir, we will call you
when we're ready for you.
301
00:11:31,523 --> 00:11:34,325
Okay? I did not
forget about you.
302
00:11:34,377 --> 00:11:35,960
Sit down.
303
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,330
(clears throat)
304
00:11:52,395 --> 00:11:54,545
Sir?
305
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:56,047
Sir!
306
00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:57,265
We're ready for you now.
307
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,027
Even though we're
technically still on break.
308
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,102
What's your emergency question?
309
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,821
My question is about
prescriptions.
310
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,272
Step on the scale.
311
00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:06,191
Is she talking to the air?
Step on it.
312
00:12:06,242 --> 00:12:08,392
Ahh!
313
00:12:08,444 --> 00:12:10,095
Oh, no!
314
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,281
(screaming)
315
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,582
Oh, God!
316
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,117
My legs are cut off!
317
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:18,420
Someone, please,
call the doctors!
318
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:19,754
Call the doctors!
319
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:21,589
- Uh.
- He's gonna die on television!
320
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,758
Someone get a doctor!
321
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,043
Look at his legs!
322
00:12:25,094 --> 00:12:26,261
It's in half!
323
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,213
Both legs are in half!
324
00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:29,431
Dr. Patel?
325
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,715
Oh, what a shocker.
326
00:12:30,766 --> 00:12:32,006
Well, can somebody go find him?
327
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,769
♪♪
328
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:36,805
- Are you a good nurse?
- Of course.
329
00:12:36,889 --> 00:12:38,523
What's the vibe with nurses
and doctors?
330
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,458
Like, did you ever make out
with one in, like,
331
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,260
the room where there's beds?
332
00:12:42,311 --> 00:12:44,145
Um. No.
333
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,309
It's like the newer
thing... no, no.
334
00:12:46,335 --> 00:12:47,474
Nobody's hooking up anymore.
335
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:48,960
It's like new seasons
of "The Real World".
336
00:12:48,984 --> 00:12:50,485
Like, nobody's really (bleep).
337
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,454
♪♪
338
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,023
♪♪
339
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,394
No one was hurt, but it looks like
that's the last time that bear
340
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,862
will be going to Whole Foods.
341
00:13:00,929 --> 00:13:02,197
Amy.
342
00:13:02,264 --> 00:13:04,149
I hope you're
right about that, Fleet.
343
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:06,767
Oh, they're having a bear
of a time though, aren't they?
344
00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:08,203
I can hardly bear it.
345
00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,071
(laughing)
346
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,456
Oh.
347
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,125
Everyone's talking about
the record-setting cold
348
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,044
we've been
experiencing this winter
349
00:13:16,111 --> 00:13:17,773
with temperatures dropping
into the single digits.
350
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:21,449
We went to Central Park to talk to
people about how they're coping.
351
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,918
Well, it's been so cold,
it's just hard to do everything.
352
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,287
Well, not everything.
353
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:28,456
Seth, shut up.
354
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,426
What an adorably cold couple.
355
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,770
Certainly looks like
they're going to be
356
00:13:32,794 --> 00:13:34,345
keeping each other warm,
huh, Am?
357
00:13:34,430 --> 00:13:36,397
(forced laughing)
358
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:39,150
Yes.
359
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,935
I'm sorry.
360
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,104
Rob, can we see those
last two people again?
361
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,139
Is something wrong, Amy?
362
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,158
Just show those
people again, please.
363
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,360
It's just hard to do everything.
364
00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,446
Well, not everything.
365
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,498
Okay, that's my boyfriend.
366
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:54,976
What? I thought you
were on a break.
367
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,478
You sent out that email
you were on a break.
368
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,986
Well, he's obviously
not taking a break.
369
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,465
- We're still live, Am.
- He's not on break.
370
00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:02,006
- Definitely live.
- Okay.
371
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,925
- Still live.
- Okay, sorry about that.
372
00:14:03,992 --> 00:14:07,795
In Washington Heights this
morning, a gruesome discovery.
373
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,825
An elderly woman was found
brutally murdered in her...
374
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,216
Is she hotter than me?
375
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,467
What?
Amy, get it together.
376
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,968
Is she hotter than me?
377
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,270
It's a simple question, folks.
378
00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:16,855
Chime in.
379
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,283
We're gonna... we'll take
your answers on Twitter.
380
00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,108
- Was that...
- In her apartment.
381
00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:22,360
She was brutally murdered
in her apartment.
382
00:14:22,478 --> 00:14:24,112
Back to you, Fleet.
383
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,233
Thanks, Amy.
384
00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:30,477
A candlelight vigil is
being held at the United Nations
385
00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:32,871
- tonight in honor of...
- I mean, she's Asian,
386
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,466
but she wasn't even, like,
a hot Asian.
387
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,184
I mean, she may as well
not have even been Asian...
388
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,129
Five teenagers tonight
are being accused...
389
00:14:37,155 --> 00:14:37,883
Was she Taiwanese or something?
390
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,860
Of a hate crime
after they were caught
391
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,380
- spray-painting swastikas...
- I mean, look at this.
392
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,050
In the parking lot
of a local Chipotle...
393
00:14:44,074 --> 00:14:45,441
All of them are students
at the local high school...
394
00:14:45,465 --> 00:14:47,802
How many exclamation
points is he gonna put?
395
00:14:47,869 --> 00:14:49,147
Where the teacher
said they had a history
396
00:14:49,171 --> 00:14:50,838
- of disruptive behavior.
- Look at this.
397
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,694
Principal John Robbins
says that the
398
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,766
school will be instituting
new classes...
399
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,404
- that teach tolerance.
- Really, we're on a break.
400
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:57,896
In other news,
401
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,958
Madison Square Garden will be
undergoing renovations...
402
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,992
Pick up the phone, (bleep).
403
00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:01,900
- Pick up the phone.
- This summer.
404
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,985
Yeah, I just saw you!
405
00:15:04,052 --> 00:15:05,997
MSG officials have said the
renovations are necessary
406
00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:07,215
- to accommodate increasingly elaborate
- I just saw you on my news.
407
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,056
- Live musical performances,
- Yes!
408
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,225
Many of which now
include pyrotechnics
409
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:12,587
- and detailed multimedia presentations.
- You weren't trying to miss me?
410
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,195
You're so full of (bleep)!
411
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:17,007
They'll also be increasing the venue's
capacity from 20,000 to 22,000.
412
00:15:17,065 --> 00:15:18,516
Your dick is garbage,
do you hear me?
413
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:19,928
- Mayor de Blasio welcomed the news
- I'm gonna find you, mother(bleep).
414
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,763
Calling Madison Square Garden
the heart of Midtown.
415
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,371
Bob! Am I the only
(bleep) one here?
416
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,672
Can't you wrangle this (bleep)?
417
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,426
♪♪
418
00:15:29,911 --> 00:15:31,296
How'd you guys meet?
419
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:34,098
I met him with my ex-boyfriend
at his birthday party.
420
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,433
Whoa!
421
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:36,851
Imagine that.
422
00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,353
And you hadn't broken up yet?
423
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:39,687
- No.
- Yikes.
424
00:15:39,755 --> 00:15:41,422
How'd you break up with him?
425
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:42,734
You just left
the party with Brad.
426
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,025
Basically.
427
00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:45,926
Do you ever Google an ex?
428
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:47,928
No, not really.
429
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,280
- Come on!
- All right, once.
430
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,615
(laughing)
431
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,932
Yeah, totally, I knew that.
432
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:53,484
Just... just to see
what happened.
433
00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,603
- Make sure their lives are dog (bleep).
- Right.
434
00:15:55,671 --> 00:15:56,671
♪♪
435
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,558
♪♪
436
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,197
Michelle, you were
a flight attendant.
437
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:08,199
- Yes.
- What were the regulations?
438
00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:10,618
You had to be a specific weight
according to your height
439
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,913
and you literally had
to get on a scale
440
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:14,105
- in front of your supervisor.
- Oh, my God.
441
00:16:14,156 --> 00:16:16,574
And they would pull you off
the line if you were over.
442
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:19,110
- Until you lost it.
- (bleep).
443
00:16:19,161 --> 00:16:20,628
I feel like on planes,
444
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:21,756
flight attendants
are always like,
445
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,082
"Look, our first job here
is safety."
446
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,750
Yeah.
447
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,586
And I'm like,
"But I want a drink."
448
00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,088
- Yes, exactly.
- You know?
449
00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:31,199
I mean, yeah, I mean, people
think that you're there
450
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:32,123
to serve them dinner, basically.
451
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,624
If there's any turbulence,
452
00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:35,960
I look right
to flight attendants
453
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,795
- to see if you guys are freaking out.
- Yes.
454
00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:39,347
And they never are.
455
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,233
If it's serious,
you take a big drop fast.
456
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,301
So, you would know when
that was happening.
457
00:16:44,353 --> 00:16:46,631
I mean, I've heard stories
about somebody, like, actually,
458
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:48,823
like, a flight attendant
going up through the ceiling
459
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:50,992
of the, you know,
just, you know, the...
460
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,579
I feel like you should know what
the top of a plane is called.
461
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,197
Yeah, exactly.
It's kind of vital.
462
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:57,915
The drop ceiling, I guess.
463
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,060
I'm not saying, like,
through the plane.
464
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,502
You're like,
"What's it called? The front?"
465
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,788
Why do we have to put
our seats up one inch?
466
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:05,840
It's for safety and security.
467
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:11,095
Why is it safer to be like
this instead of like this?
468
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,774
Yeah, it doesn't make
much of a difference.
469
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,683
- Were you ever scared?
- You know, sometimes,
470
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,135
emergency situations
would happen
471
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,854
and you wouldn't know how serious
they were until after the fact.
472
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,249
For example, something like
aborted takeoffs.
473
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:22,313
Aborted takeoffs feel like
474
00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:23,668
they're just slamming on
the brakes.
475
00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:24,055
Yeah.
476
00:17:24,081 --> 00:17:25,170
It doesn't feel like
it's that dangerous.
477
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:26,694
However, it is really dangerous.
478
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,529
Uh, I think everyone
in the back is probably
479
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:29,530
waiting for me to make
an abortion joke,
480
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,566
but I'm not gonna do it.
481
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,185
And it's only because
I couldn't think of one.
482
00:17:34,236 --> 00:17:36,664
Do you ever think about kind of
like (bleep) with the passengers
483
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:37,966
when there's
a little turbulence?
484
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,707
- Being like, "Ahh!"
- No.
485
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,909
No? All right,
well, that's good, yeah.
486
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,745
When I think a plane
might be going down,
487
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,724
- I try and, like, think of good memories.
- Yeah.
488
00:17:45,748 --> 00:17:48,068
Or like, uh, or I'll put on
a song that I'd want to die to.
489
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,201
What do you do?
490
00:17:50,252 --> 00:17:52,346
I think maybe think about
people that you love, you know?
491
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,115
Try and send them good
energy on the way out.
492
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:56,151
Right, right, but if you
don't have those, what do you...
493
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:58,843
No, I'm just kidding.
494
00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:01,763
What's a way to, uh,
get a flight attendant
495
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:04,015
to not be really mean
to you for no reason?
496
00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:06,234
I think just be really nice
to them, first of all.
497
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,569
I go into a flight, like,
498
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,071
I'm going to have
the best energy,
499
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:14,275
and I'm not going to be needy
and, it's, you know, and, uh...
500
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,030
But still, any little request
is met with kind of a fury
501
00:18:19,114 --> 00:18:21,699
that I can't even believe.
502
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,061
Everyone asks about
the Mile High Club, I'm sure.
503
00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:24,752
Yeah, yeah.
504
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,264
Have you encountered
a lot of people (bleep) in the...
505
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:27,381
Flight attendants totally know
when it's happening.
506
00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:29,040
- Of course.
- Yeah.
507
00:18:29,091 --> 00:18:29,924
Because, you know, the galley
is rocking, you know?
508
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,959
Right, sure.
509
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,763
And also, we can open the
lavatory doors from the outside.
510
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,131
So, like, at any point in time,
511
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,660
they can just barge in on you
if they wanted to.
512
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:39,851
It'd be pretty embarrassing.
513
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,352
But then you have to have seen...
514
00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:42,887
Yeah, who wants
to see that, exactly?
515
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:44,282
And also it's kind of,
like, revolting.
516
00:18:44,306 --> 00:18:45,733
Even the idea of it
to most flight attendants
517
00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:46,868
is revolting 'cause
those bathrooms are so...
518
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,253
It's the smallest bathroom.
Most disgusting.
519
00:18:48,277 --> 00:18:49,977
And they're gross.
520
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,780
It doesn't make any sense
how you could even do that.
521
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,949
Like, you've never done that?
522
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,267
No, I have not ever done it.
523
00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:57,702
Um, did you ever think about it?
524
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,655
Yeah, I thought about it.
525
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:05,042
Do pilots all act like they
know you want to (bleep) them?
526
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,577
Yes.
527
00:19:06,628 --> 00:19:07,945
- Right?
- Yeah, they totally do.
528
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:10,164
And, you know, I mean,
in some cases they're right.
529
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,800
When flight attendants
walk through the aisles
530
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:16,921
toward the end of the flight
saying, "Trash? Trash?"
531
00:19:16,972 --> 00:19:19,257
We know what you're doing.
532
00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:21,342
♪♪
533
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,896
I bought a pregnancy test
recently.
534
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,264
And it was so weird.
535
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,982
There's so many now.
536
00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:31,102
There's, like...
There was one that cost $3.99.
537
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:36,307
Like, is that really where
you want to cut corners, uh?
538
00:19:36,358 --> 00:19:38,943
Is that where you want
to use a Groupon, like,
539
00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:41,996
to find out if you're
with child?
540
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,865
Is that a great idea?
541
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,176
When I bought
the pregnancy test,
542
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,985
the girl at the drugstore
had the balls
543
00:19:48,036 --> 00:19:49,887
when I walked up
to buy it to be like,
544
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:53,291
"Are you excited?"
545
00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:56,093
I was like, "Yeah, that's why
I'm here at midnight
546
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:58,212
"on a Tuesday in sweatpants.
547
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,515
"I'm ecstatic.
548
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,350
"Do you have a bathroom here?
549
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,852
"Can I pee on this strip, and
then we'll raise it together.
550
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,804
(bleep) you."
551
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:07,855
♪♪
552
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,141
Someone help this man!
553
00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:11,675
I can't help him!
554
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:12,894
I can't help him!
555
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,178
You're still on the phone?
556
00:20:14,229 --> 00:20:15,279
You're having a party.
557
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:17,114
They're having a party.
558
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,866
I'm so sorry,
they're having cake.
559
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,184
They're having a cookie cake.
560
00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:21,685
(man) Cut.
561
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:22,820
(all laughing)
562
00:20:24,406 --> 00:20:25,823
(woman) It's so easy.
563
00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:26,874
(man) Mm, magic.
40140
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof