Original subtitles

(ALL SHRIEK)

(CROWD MURMURS)

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(ECHOES) Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, God.

Fucking press nights.

Why are you all wearing scarves? You're indoors.

-You should love this. -They won't feel the benefit.

It's supposed to be stupidly clever. He's really hot right now.

The director? He shouldn't be making you do a workshop.

It's offensive. It's basically a long audition.

Yeah, but apparently he's a genius, so...

It's because they think you can't act.

I said, "It's a fucking musical."

You just don't want me to do any theatre.

No, that's not true! I love theatre.

I love people standing up and shouting.

I've been doing shit for ages. This is what I should be doing.

-Sorry. -That's what Cob says.

No, that's what I think.

So it doesn't pay anything. So what?

You know I lost two clients this month?

Who?

Guive and Teddy Blair. They left for United.

-What, the poet? -No, he's not a poet.

He's a stand-up, and actually a really good actor.

Hmm. I think I saw him do a poem.

Sorry.

-(SIGHS) -WOMAN: So sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

It's just really fucking full-on

because I've been so busy managing your sex scandal.

Oh, don't put it on me! Just...oh, just so co-dependent.

-I'm co-dependent? -Oh, what, I'm co-dependent?

You're so co-dependent!

(THEATRE BELL RINGS)

-Oh, God. -What? what?

-Don't look. Look at me. -Why? Why?

Look at me. It's not an issue.

Is that his wife?

She stayed with him?

That's just tragic.

Do you wanna leave?

We can leave.

(WHISPERS) Yeah, let's go.

-Yeah? -Let's go.

-Sorry, sorry. -Sorry.

-(DISCORDANT ELECTRONIC MUSIC BLARES) -Sorry. Sorry. Shit.

So sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(MALE ACTOR SHOUTS VICIOUSLY AND INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

(ACTOR CONTINUES SHOUTING VICIOUSLY)

-My God, did you see them kissing? -Who?

Carter and his wife! I mean, who the fuck kisses during a play?

Ugh, I did not see that.

No, but you're right, that director is a genius.

-I can't even talk about it. -My God. Do you think everyone knew?

Do you think everyone knew the penis

was sat in front of me with the penis's wife?

-I need to get a margarita. -CARTER: Shit!

-NAOMI: Oh... -Suzie!

Suzie Pickles!

I haven't seen you in ages.

You were so wonderful in the rushes of 'AfterDeath' that I've seen.

-Carter, look. -Yeah. How are you?

-How are you? How are you? -WOMAN: Oh, my!

Gen, please introduce me right this moment

or I will lose my proverbial shit.

Charon Bander. From William Morris Agency.

CHARON: So, who are you with?

Sorry, she asked with American levels of ambition.

-I'm Naomi Jones. -Sorry. No, I meant professionally.

-Also me. Hello. -They're doing their thing.

-Let's, um... -Yeah, we should...

So, are you coming to the fundraiser? Oh, you must!

Genevieve here is an actual real person in the real world.

-Does amazing work in West Africa. -Yes, please do come!

We raise money every year to reunite children

from tourist orphanages with their families.

CHARON: It's a Women of Talent in the Arts event.

I mean, you must be a member. Great networking.

Very drunk, powerful women all in the same room.

No, you can't come, Carter.

You must come. So, who do I write to?

Send it to me and I'll pass it on if it's worth it.

-We're late for the, um... -The club.

Yeah, we're going clubbing. (MIMICS TECHNO BEAT)

Amazing. Right, 'bye! 'Bye, 'bye, 'bye.

-'Bye. -'Bye.

-Cheekies! -'Bye.

Oh, my God.

Was that the most graceful

passive-aggressive "fuck you" ever from his wife?

No, she doesn't know. That woman has no idea.

So he never told her?

-About you. About the affair. -My God.

-He never fucking told her. -The photos.

He said he fucking told her.

NAOMI: What a lying piece of shit.

He lost nothing.

(CHARON LAUGHS)

(TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS)

(THEME MUSIC)

(GLASS SMASHES)

(BIRDS TWITTER)

(CLOCK TICKS)

(SIGHS)

Suz, what is wrong?

You've been in a really weird mood lately.

Nothing. I'm just really nervous about today.

Don't be. It's fucking theatre. They're lucky to have you.

Yeah, but they'll all be proper actresses, you know?

Listen, it's not exactly Shakespeare, is it?

It's some wanky nonsense about Monica Lewinsky.

OK, so these are Pass the Parcel,

these are prizes for kids who win games,

and we'll open these together when I get back.

-Didn't you label them? -Yeah.

I wrapped them in different wrapping paper.

-Should've moved it. -What, his birthday?

It doesn't have to be on his actual birthday.

And I'm not saying cancel it, I'm just saying

I'm not sure he's particularly bothered

about his birthday party, that's all.

Well, I asked him and he...

Obviously if you say do you want a big party

with balloons and presents, they're gonna say yes.

-They arrive at 2:00. -I'm just saying.

I'm not sure these things are always the kid's idea.

No, they're not the kid's idea, you're right.

They're a tradition of western civilisation. He didn't invent it.

He's not Frank Birthday Party, the inventor of Birthday Parties.

I told him I'd be back to cut the cake.

There's lasagne for parents who want to stay.

-Parents who want to stay?! -'Bye!

-Hi. It's me. -SUZIE: I'm here now.

I'm here now. This place is like a maze.

Just checking you didn't want to go

to this Women in the Arts charity thing?

Are you fucking joking? And spend the whole night avoiding Carter's wife?

Why would I wanna do that?

NAOMI: OK, I just thought

Women in the Arts, there'll be lots of contacts there.

I could go with you.

I could do with replacing some clients.

No, I'm already missing Frank's birthday

and I promised I'd be back to open his presents.

-NAOMI: It won't go late. -Yeah, I'd rather chop my tits off.

OK. Point taken.

OK, I've gotta go.

Fuck!

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Hello. Women in the Arts event. -Hi, there.

I'm calling on behalf of Suzie Pickles.

I know we said she couldn't attend the event this afternoon,

but it turns out she can.

-I'll put her name on the list. -OK, great. Thanks.

You're welcome.

MAN: Before we start, I'm just gonna say...

..one thing.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

MAN: I just wanna make that clear.

I already feel weird and insane that I'm the only man in here,

and so I just wanna say, generally, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I don't know what we are gonna create in here.

I'm not in charge.

We're gonna go from having nothing but our stories

into a musical called 'The Party of Monica Lewinsky'.

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

This is an exploration.

And, er, just have to have faith in each other.

Really get into your walk.

How do you walk?

Take up every bit of the space and really feel your own walk.

Feel the space.

Hey, um, I'm...I'm really happy to feel the space,

but it's just... it's my son's birthday,

and they said to me that I could be away at 5:00.

But it's, like, much further away than I thought

'cause I live out of town.

So I was just wondering if I could slip away earlier

or if you could do this sort of stuff

that I'm not totally necessary for at the end of the day.

-That would... -Warming up?

Yeah. Like, if it's not totally necessary.

-It is pretty... -Really?

(CHUCKLES) I feel really warm.

-OK. -Take up every bit of the space.

Yes, feel the space.

How do you walk?

Really get into your walk.

So, do a bad impression of yourself.

Have the courage to be monstrous.

Keep pushing it.

Push it further.

Don't overdo it, Suzie.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh, that was a good effort.

Let's...let's keep passing and...and stuff.

(KIDS LAUGH AND CHATTER)

Christ, OK.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(MOUTHS WORDS)

(LOW, UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(VIVALDI'S 'WINTER' FROM 'THE FOUR SEASONS' SLOWLY BUILDS)

('WINTER' CONTINUES)

Oh, hi. Er, Suzie Pickles.

('WINTER' CONTINUES)

NAOMI: Hello, Hampstead.

-Suzie's friend. Hello! -(NAOMI CHUCKLES)

Welcome to our haven from patriarchy.

Yeah. Great.

-Isn't Suzie with Hal today? -Er, yeah.

-He's one of mine. -(SOFTLY) Of course he is.

Thank you.

Mmm!

HAL: I want you to show me why you're here.

Be bold. Think about how you've been wronged as women.

That's what's bringing these women together

in this place outside of time.

Hmm?

Catherine?

(SINGS) ♪ I did not fuck that horse

♪ I did not fuck that horse

♪ I only sought the best for Russia and my people. ♪

Antoinette!

♪ I never said it I never said it

♪ They can eat whatever they like! ♪

Delilah!

♪ What an excuse, how bloody unfair

♪ To pretend that he failed because of his hair. ♪

HAL: Jezebel!

(RAPS) ♪ Bitch can wear make-up Bitch can wear wigs

♪ Bitch can wear whatever she please

♪ Looking good not a disease. ♪

Monica!

(SINGS) ♪ I loved him

♪ I loved him

♪ He loved me...

♪ He loved me

♪ It wasn't good, it wasn't bad

♪ We loved each other

♪ We loved. ♪

Yeah, don't worry. Don't worry.

SUZIE: Sorry.

(SNORTS)

Who's your agency then, Naomi?

-I do know. I've forgotten. -I have my own set up.

Sensov? Sensov Agency.

"Sense of Agency."

You should come and join a big ship.

Honestly, it gets lonely out there punting, no?

At some point you just want a fuck-off view

and an office with a chaise longue.

Yum.

I mean, you'd have to bring Suzie, of course,

but now is definitely the time to consolidate,

life stage-wise.

I bet your parents wanted you to be a doctor or something?

Why do you say that?

Because don't all our parents?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, come on. I'm not gonna let you make this into something it isn't.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry, but this is just getting silly.

Is it? What's getting silly?

-You see, this is why... -WOMAN: Charon!

No, no, I won't.

It's a beautiful house.

You're lucky to even be here.

So go and do something with that.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(BRISTLING, JAZZY PERCUSSION)

WOMAN: Did you see Hal's show that's on now?

-Amazing. -Oh, I couldn't get tickets.

-How did you get a ticket? -Friends of friends.

(SIGHS)

Is it just me or does he take a long time to...

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

-My God, when he looks at you... -That glare?

Yeah.

It's like, "I don't know. You're the genius!"

Is he, though? Or...or just...

(CHUCKLES)

Don't you do that Nazi zombie show?

'AfterDeath', yeah.

Yeah, not for long, though. Spoilers!

-I don't watch it. -Oh, er, well, I die.

-Hmm. Too late. Tweeted it! -(WOMEN LAUGH)

Is that still Carter Vaughan?

Yeah.

Hmm, yeah.

What?

I just hope your runners all signed NDAs.

What, you mean like shouty or hands?

Oh, hands. I worked with him on 'Chorley Bay'.

There was quite the turnover of young, stupid women on that show.

We used to call him the 'reverse firework'.

'Cause he banged them, then he fired them.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

I'm...I'm just gonna make a...

I'll be right back.

He is such a fucking cunt.

Do you know he's fucked, like, runners and assistants as well?

How did I not know that?

Carter? I knew that.

And if you'd told your best friend who you were considering banging,

I would have thrown myself across his cock

like one of JFK's bodyguards.

Well, like them, you have failed.

Where are you?

NAOMI: Er, just working. You know, as I do.

I've got to go, I've got to go back in. Alright, 'bye.

Oh, my God. You've got one fucking job.

I'm just...I'm just gonna see

if there's somewhere I can put it so it stays...

Hang on a minute, I'm just gonna put it here so I can use my hands.

COB ON PHONE: He's being a shit.

-Cob? -OK, er...

So, what's happening? What's wrong?

Let me go over and talk to him.

He says he won't play unless you're here.

(SIGHS) I don't know what to do

with all these kids if he won't join in.

Well, he doesn't have to join in.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

-Welcome back. -Sorry.

We were just discussing what Monica wants.

Objectives.

Objectives, like...?

Like when she walked into that room, what did she want?

Well, there are lots of different Monicas, aren't there?

Did she want sex when she walked in that room with him?

-Did she want power? -Did she want approval?

Oh!

Interesting.

What do you think she wants, Suzie?

Probably just to get something signed.

To not lose her job.

No, you can't play a negative. You can't play not wanting something.

Well, I can. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

People don't walk around wanting things.

That's not how it is, at least not for women.

(SOMEONE LAUGHS)

That's being alive!

Hm!

I want things. I want money.

I want my kids to be safe.

I want to be seen.

Hmm, I wonder if there is something interesting

in Monica wants to be seen.

-Seen by who, then, is the question. -SUZIE: Yeah, but...

..that's not what life is.

I mean, look, I can...I can pretend

that Monica goes into the Oval Office of the White House

wanting to be seen, it's just...

(SIGHS)

I don't... It's just... Fine. Whatever. (HALF-LAUGHS)

I think...

(CLOCK TICKS)

-Are you...are you gonna... -I wonder...

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

GENEVIEVE: Oh, my God, Naomi?

-Hi. -Hi!

Please can we go and get a drink?

If you want.

-We met the other night. -I remember.

I hope you don't mind. You seem like a real person.

I mean, barely.

Do you know anyone? Who do you wanna meet?

Oh, you don't have to do that. I mean, famous people.

Women who need agents.

Shall we move to red?

WOMAN: We tell ourselves these experiences didn't affect us.

It was the things around it

that affected us.

But maybe that is the being affected, you know?

HAL: Hmm.

Suzie, do you have anything you'd like to share

about feeling like you were shamed as a woman

or disrespected or...

Yeah, I mean, obviously. Like, that's why you're using me.

Because of the thing with my phone.

Well, I don't like to think of it as using.

OK, but, like...

Can I just ask,

if we're gonna, like, share our stories and experiences,

do we get any credit for that?

Hm. Credit.

Interesting financial term.

(PHONE BEEPS)

OK, well, look, it's actually...

Oh, God, it's just gone five. It's just gone five.

Oh, OK. Well, this was an abrupt way to end.

No, I mean, just for me, not for these guys.

Do you remember you said...

No, it just feels like this is a democratic process

and not based on schedule.

Some people are being quite vulnerable.

Oh, OK, alright, well...

..fuck you, man.

Fuck you. (LAUGHS)

Do you want me to sing it for you? Shall I sing it?

(SINGS) ♪ Fu-u-u-u-uck!

♪ Fu-u-u-u-uck

♪ You-oo! ♪

(LAUGHS)

-(MILITARY DRUM ROLL) -(CAR ALARM BLARES)

(JAUNTY PIPE MUSIC)

-(SQUELCH!) -(MUSIC DIES AWAY)

Show me.

Can you smell shit?

Er, yeah. Sorry.

It's 'cause I've got shit on me.

What?

Look, you...you can't do that in me cab, love. That's gonna go in...

No, love! I can't have it. Sorry, no, sorry.

(SUZIE GAGS)

That's gonna cost me 40 quid for a fucking valet.

-OK. Alright, fuck it. -You can't do it in here!

What are you doing? No...

Happy? Shitless.

What, are you having a bad day or what?

I don't wanna talk, alright? I mean...

No, I can't want a negative.

I want silence.

I want you just to drive the cab.

Sorry about your friend and that terrible phone thing.

I didn't want to say anything. Is she OK?

Er, it's a big question.

Who looks at those things, you know? Knowing that?

You're not in this whole game, are you?

I acted a bit. I might get back into it now the kids are older.

I've just been doing this orphanage work. It took over everything.

I know, it sounds so worthy. (LAUGHS)

Probably comes from a really unhealthy place.

Controlling thing, no doubt. Weird few years.

I'm sorry. I did hear that you lost a child.

Yeah.

I mean, shitting fuck.

-Sorry. -No, don't worry. I prefer that.

It feels right. Not condolences.

-Do you have kids? -No.

Good.

You get to keep your heart.

Oh, mate, can we pull over here, please?

I thought you was in a rush to get to the station?

I just, I just... I just need two minutes.

-I can't wait on double yellows. -Fine! I'll just...

I'll just get another cab.

OK.

Have you got cash? Me machine's not working.

Really? It's not working, is it?

Is it really not working, or is this just a bit of tax evasion?

You know I could literally change the radio station in an Uber?

Alright, go on, have the cash, then. You're lucky I've got the cash.

-Have you got anything smaller? -No.

While you're here, any chance you can sign my book?

Not for me, it's for the blokes back at the office.

Just keep it.

-Just keep the money, alright? -Fucking celebrities!

(CAR HORN BLARES)

Excuse me!

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Excuse me.

Hi. Uh, have you...

Have you got these in a seven? I'll pay for them now.

Just...I'm in a rush.

I can just see if we've got them.

Yeah, or just something like them in a seven,

just whatever's closest to them on the shelf.

OK. But you want these in a seven?

Or whatever's like them. Just any colour.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -(SIGHS)

Trying to get home!

Hello, mate. Would these be quicker?

One of these? Or two of these?

You prefer those?

Just... No, forget it, forget it. Just...as you were. Just...before.

So, we didn't have them in a seven, but we had them in a six.

Yeah, OK, that's fine. Here you go.

So you are a six?

No, but it's fine.

Because we don't have these in a seven.

Yes, you said. You said.

So you want these?

Yeah.

-That'll be 49.99. -Yeah.

-Do you want a loyalty card? -No, I don't.

But if you spend over £50 you get, um...

I don't want one.

-You're only 1p off. -I don't want one. I don't...

-You don't want any shoe care? -No, no. No shoe care.

OK.

Give me the machine.

You can't tap. It's over the £30, so you're just gonna have to...

OK, alright, I'll put it in.

Thank you. Come on then, come on then, Mr Fucking Machine.

Come on.

-There you go. -Thank you.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

(MACHINE BEEPS)

-Want your receipt? -No!

(TEMPESTUOUS CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

Fuck!

-(PHONE RINGS) -Ohhh!

SUZIE: What is it, Nay?

Why do I have an email saying you stormed out of a workshop?

SUZIE: Posh cunts wanking on about their own pain

so they can trap another bunch of posh cunts in a room

to clap at them - you said that.

-I begged to get you in there. -What? No, you didn't.

'Cause you wanted it. That's what I do.

It's not just you when you go in. You are representing me.

-Charon Bander's giving me looks. -What the fuck?

You literally went to the fucking women's thing!

Are you there now? Are you there?

NAOMI: I had to, Suz.

I have no work and my biggest client keeps throwing away jobs.

Just...just go, mate, there's no-one behind you.

-(CAR HORN TOOTS) -I am so... Just go! Go!

I am missing my son's only eighth birthday party to make money for you,

right now, and you're out with Carter's wife!

Alright, alright, alright, what do you want me to do, mate?

You want me to walk out in front of you? Well, I'm here now!

I'm here now! Are you happy?

What the fuck do you fucking want?! What do you...

Oh, you're going to film me? (LAUGHS)

Are you gonna film me now? OK? OK? Are you gonna film me, mate?

Open the door, mate. Open the door.

Ah! Fuck!

Open the door.

Put it down! Open the...

Open the fucking door!

-(CAR HORN TOOTS) -Open the fucking door!

-(CAR HORNS BLARE) -(TEMPESTUOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHS)

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck off.

FUCK!

(PHONE RINGS)

CARTER: Suz, it's not a good time. We're about to shoot.

Am I mad? Am I mental?

Sorry, or was that your wife I met the other night,

who had absolutely no fucking idea about you and I or the hack...

So what's the issue?

You came round and announced that you'd left your wife,

told her it was you with me in those photos!

CARTER: Well, let's be fair about this.

I was going to tell her.

If you'd said yes, I was prepared to tell her.

-You told me you'd told her! -Yeah, I could have told her.

This enormous romantic gesture!

If you said yes, I would have told her,

so it was technically a big romantic gesture.

Well, you were loitering in my garden in the middle of the night!

I thought I'd ruined your life!

Then it's lucky I didn't tell her.

Because that would be another life that got ruined. Look...

And now I find out you've been fucking everything that moves!

I am still the guy whose heart got broken

and you're still the girl who broke it.

Alright, well, if you're not going to fucking tell her, I will!

TAXI!

Hey!

Mummy's at work.

(THROBBING TECHNO MUSIC)

WOMAN: Is that Suzie Pickles?

Excuse me.

SUZIE: Genevieve.

-What are you doing here? -He doesn't get to lose nothing.

I smashed the phone, but I can still show her.

She has to see, she deserves to see it. It's insane, alright?

I'm not the only woman he's had an affair with.

I'm probably not the only woman in this room he's had an affair with.

Do you not feel bad about that at all?

-Of course! Have you seen my life? -I mean bad for her, Suz!

-No! She des... -OK. No!

-..deserves to see! -She's a nice person, Suz.

She does not deserve you doing anything to her.

What have I done to her?! What have I done?

I don't even know her. I've just fucking met her properly.

-Are you drunk? -Oh, God, alright. Don't fucking...

Don't talk down to me like some proxy kid, alright?

If you wanna do that, why don't you just have a fucking baby?

Because I am not that selfish.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, what are you even doing here?

What are you doing here, Naomi? What are you doing here?

Look, this isn't even your invitation, it's mine.

I'm Suzie Pickles.

(INSISTENTLY) I'm Suzie Pickles!

I am here networking because I desperately need new clients

and I desperately need to feel like I am worth something!

Oh, my God, alright, well, let's just park that for a moment

so we don't all throw up everywhere, OK?

And I'm sorry if I've got in the way of your gross ambition

and your new friendship with your stupid mate

with the ridiculous face.

NAOMI: Please don't.

Don't tell me what to do, Naomi.

-Go home, Suz. -Yeah, alright. You go home!

NAOMI: You're so fucking tragic.

-(LEAVES RUSTLE) -(NIGHT CREATURES CALL)

SUZIE: Oh, my God.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

SUZIE: What happened?

He stood on it.

On...on him.

What did you do?

What did you do?! Who are you?

What did you do?

(SCREAMS)

What is wrong with you? It was an accident!

Fucking hell, what is wrong with you?

(DISTURBING MUSIC)

Roger...

I'm sorry.

(DISTURBING MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MOODY GUITAR MUSIC)