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1
00:00:01,212 --> 00:00:02,712
(CLEARS THROAT)
2
00:00:02,812 --> 00:00:06,112
Can we get a snatch of a song,
just to see if you can hold a note?
3
00:00:06,212 --> 00:00:09,032
I know it seems daft to ask you,
but, you know...
4
00:00:09,132 --> 00:00:10,512
No, it's...it's fine.
5
00:00:10,612 --> 00:00:13,272
It was all autotuned back then,
6
00:00:13,372 --> 00:00:17,192
so just really,
really lower your expectations.
7
00:00:17,292 --> 00:00:19,352
(BOTH LAUGH)
8
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,452
WOMAN: OK.
9
00:00:23,292 --> 00:00:26,112
(SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago
10
00:00:26,212 --> 00:00:28,392
♪ I can still remember
11
00:00:28,492 --> 00:00:31,512
♪ How that music
used to make me... ♪
12
00:00:31,612 --> 00:00:33,612
Shall I get up?
13
00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:39,112
Um... (HUMS)
14
00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:41,913
Sorry. Um... (SQUEALS)
15
00:00:42,013 --> 00:00:45,373
(HUMS)
16
00:00:47,573 --> 00:00:50,633
(SINGS) ♪ February made me shiver
17
00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:54,153
♪ With every paper I'd deliver
18
00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:57,553
♪ Bad news on the doorstep
19
00:00:57,653 --> 00:01:00,673
♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪
20
00:01:00,773 --> 00:01:02,193
That's fine.
21
00:01:02,293 --> 00:01:03,673
-♪ I can't rem... ♪
-OK!
22
00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:04,673
-Oh.
-Thanks.
23
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:05,753
-Really?
-MAN: Yes.
24
00:01:05,853 --> 00:01:08,873
-WOMAN: Lovely.
-OK. Thank you.
25
00:01:08,973 --> 00:01:10,793
Suzie, thank you so much
for coming today.
26
00:01:10,893 --> 00:01:12,273
-God, are we done? OK.
-Thank you.
27
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,673
-Thank you so much.
-Thank you!
28
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,073
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
29
00:01:15,174 --> 00:01:16,914
BOTH: Nice to see you. Thank you.
30
00:01:17,014 --> 00:01:18,674
-Say goodbye.
-Bye-bye, Frank.
31
00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:21,434
-How do you say goodbye?
-Um, just as you would normally.
32
00:01:21,534 --> 00:01:23,754
-Oh. 'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.
-'Bye.
33
00:01:23,854 --> 00:01:25,714
'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.
34
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:26,754
-Thank you.
-'Bye.
35
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:27,994
-OK, 'bye.
-'Bye!
36
00:01:28,094 --> 00:01:30,974
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
37
00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:36,914
Really?
38
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,474
Really? No, YOU were very good.
39
00:01:39,574 --> 00:01:43,434
You were very good. You're Mummy's
secret weapon, do you know that?
40
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:48,054
You bring Mummy luck.
You bring Mummy such luck.
41
00:01:51,815 --> 00:01:54,815
(SOMBRE ARPEGGIO)
42
00:01:58,815 --> 00:02:00,815
(OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE)
43
00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:05,335
Look. Swimming pool.
44
00:02:09,695 --> 00:02:11,235
Yeah.
45
00:02:11,335 --> 00:02:14,115
Yeah, but where you are now
at school,
46
00:02:14,215 --> 00:02:16,395
you have lots of friends, don't you?
47
00:02:16,495 --> 00:02:18,515
You're special there,
48
00:02:18,615 --> 00:02:23,855
so would you rather be special
or fit in?
49
00:02:26,135 --> 00:02:28,535
Yeah. I hear you.
50
00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:32,796
(TABLET RINGS)
51
00:02:32,896 --> 00:02:34,896
(GASPS) Oh, look, it's Dad.
52
00:02:37,976 --> 00:02:39,756
-Hey.
-COB: Hey!
53
00:02:39,856 --> 00:02:42,316
-How's the study trip?
-I thought you were asleep.
54
00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:46,036
-Are you still awake?
-Are you still in Paris?
55
00:02:46,136 --> 00:02:47,836
I thought you'd be on the train
by now.
56
00:02:47,936 --> 00:02:49,916
Yeah, we actually...
We actually missed the last train.
57
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:50,916
We missed the Eurostar,
58
00:02:51,016 --> 00:02:52,796
so the students are looking at
somewhere to stay.
59
00:02:52,896 --> 00:02:54,356
-Valerie's on it.
-VALERIE: I'm on it!
60
00:02:54,456 --> 00:02:56,396
-She's on it.
-Right.
61
00:02:56,496 --> 00:02:58,236
VALERIE: This one here. Four stars...
62
00:02:58,336 --> 00:03:00,076
So, what about tomorrow?
63
00:03:00,176 --> 00:03:03,916
I mean, don't... You...you don't
have to come if you... It's fine.
64
00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:05,916
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'll come straight there.
65
00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:08,597
I'll get the first train and I'll,
um... I'll come straight there.
66
00:03:08,697 --> 00:03:10,517
-Fuck! Shit!
-(LAUGHTER)
67
00:03:10,617 --> 00:03:13,317
My God, I nearly just walked into
one of those French piss things.
68
00:03:13,417 --> 00:03:14,917
-What are these called?
-VALERIE: I don't know.
69
00:03:15,017 --> 00:03:17,757
-Pisseur. Viva la pisseur!
-VALERIE: Viva la pisseur!
70
00:03:17,857 --> 00:03:19,857
Oh.
71
00:03:22,017 --> 00:03:24,017
Crazy.
72
00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:29,137
(THEME MUSIC)
73
00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:32,577
(GLASS SMASHES)
74
00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:37,477
Uh, these hierarchies
are all fucked up,
75
00:03:37,577 --> 00:03:39,117
Mr Sitting in the Front.
76
00:03:39,217 --> 00:03:42,317
Oh, I can feel the hair on my back
stand up as we cross the border.
77
00:03:42,418 --> 00:03:43,878
-Your back?
-Yeah, I'm covered in hair.
78
00:03:43,978 --> 00:03:48,518
You know that. Why are you
so relaxed? Is Cob not coming?
79
00:03:48,618 --> 00:03:50,718
-Oh, my God, is that why I'm here?
-No, he was.
80
00:03:50,818 --> 00:03:52,518
He's stuck in Paris
with his students.
81
00:03:52,618 --> 00:03:54,958
I sort of hope he doesn't,
for his sake.
82
00:03:55,058 --> 00:03:56,918
Have your family seen the photos?
83
00:03:57,018 --> 00:03:58,678
-Poor Cob.
-Poor Cob.
84
00:03:58,778 --> 00:04:00,078
My family don't mind a slag,
85
00:04:00,178 --> 00:04:02,718
but you don't wanna be married
to one, do you know what I mean?
86
00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,958
-God, I hate going home.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
87
00:04:05,058 --> 00:04:06,758
-Embrace yourself.
-Nah.
88
00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:09,558
That is why I'm, like, totally sold
on having a kid on my own.
89
00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,558
Like, burn this trad shit down.
90
00:04:11,658 --> 00:04:13,638
Well, there'll be
lots of free spunk at this.
91
00:04:13,738 --> 00:04:15,758
My dad's side are
irresponsibly fertile.
92
00:04:15,858 --> 00:04:17,718
-Oh. (GAGS)
-(LAUGHS)
93
00:04:17,818 --> 00:04:20,198
God, how's your mum going to cope
with your dad being there?
94
00:04:20,299 --> 00:04:22,299
(GROANS)
95
00:04:23,099 --> 00:04:24,999
Oh, did you hear back from
the musical?
96
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,799
-No.
-No.
97
00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:28,979
Mm-mm.
98
00:04:30,699 --> 00:04:32,079
-NAOMI: Oh.
-(ENGINE STALLS)
99
00:04:32,179 --> 00:04:34,939
-NAOMI: Oh, Jesus.
-Alright, here we are.
100
00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:38,819
(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)
101
00:04:39,939 --> 00:04:41,939
Come on, then, darling. Let's go.
102
00:04:47,139 --> 00:04:50,039
Oh, God.
Bloody all these bloody people.
103
00:04:50,139 --> 00:04:52,079
-Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum.
-Hey, Mrs P.
104
00:04:52,179 --> 00:04:53,759
Oh, hello, love.
105
00:04:53,859 --> 00:04:56,119
Hey. I've been praying for you.
106
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:59,360
Come here. Come here.
Ooh, little fella!
107
00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:02,080
Jeez, haven't you got him
one of them cochlear things yet?
108
00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:04,240
-He doesn't want one.
-Well, he's seven.
109
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:05,720
How does he fucking know?
110
00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:07,440
Have you not seen the videos?
They're heartbreaking.
111
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,840
It doesn't work like that for
everyone. He's not a good candidate.
112
00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:12,320
No, no, no.
No, they even do it with dogs now.
113
00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:16,240
And there's one hearing his owner for
the first time and his little tail.
114
00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,760
Oh, it's marvellous, yeah.
Come in, sweetheart.
115
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:21,160
-Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi.
-So do you!
116
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:23,520
-Ah!
-MAN: Here she comes! First born.
117
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:25,120
SUZIE: Hello, Jon.
118
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:28,440
I didn't recognise you
without a penis nearby.
119
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:29,920
-MAN: Whey-hey!
-WOMAN: Jon, don't start.
120
00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:32,880
-MAN: There is a penis nearby.
-WOMAN: It's you, Jon!
121
00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:34,801
Ow. Has he gone outside?
122
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,641
JON: Give me the, um...
Pass me the thing.
123
00:05:36,741 --> 00:05:39,441
-What are you after now?
-Is this what we're using?
124
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:42,241
Excuse me.
I'll get you a drink in a minute.
125
00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:45,301
NAOMI: Mm, look at this spread.
Well done, Karen.
126
00:05:46,341 --> 00:05:47,721
-(SHOUTS) Nah-nah!
-(SCREAMS)
127
00:05:47,821 --> 00:05:50,201
-What are you doing?!
-Now I recognise you. (LAUGHS)
128
00:05:50,301 --> 00:05:51,201
Yeah, yeah.
129
00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:52,681
Bit light for you, though,
Suzie girl.
130
00:05:52,781 --> 00:05:54,481
SUZIE: Was that worth it?
Was it worth it?
131
00:05:54,581 --> 00:05:56,481
-(LAUGHTER)
-Bloody hell.
132
00:05:56,581 --> 00:05:59,161
Dad, can I have a fag
whilst he's out?
133
00:05:59,261 --> 00:06:00,641
Give us a light.
134
00:06:00,741 --> 00:06:03,401
Has he left you, then,
out of embarrassment?
135
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,161
-NAOMI: Oh, Jesus...
-Don't worry. It's alright.
136
00:06:05,261 --> 00:06:06,601
-KAREN: Here you go.
-Thank you.
137
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:09,361
JON: Made my eyes water
and I only saw the blurry ones.
138
00:06:09,462 --> 00:06:11,722
-(SHANE SINGS)
-Alright, Shane?
139
00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:13,962
-Yeah, you alright, Suz?
-Mum, where should we get changed?
140
00:06:14,062 --> 00:06:16,362
-Shall we just go upstairs?
-What's that? I can't hear.
141
00:06:16,462 --> 00:06:19,022
-What did you say?
-I said, "Where are we changing?"
142
00:06:20,022 --> 00:06:22,442
Nah, Suz, you sound like
you've got something in your mouth.
143
00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,322
-(MUTTERS)
-(BOTH LAUGH)
144
00:06:24,422 --> 00:06:27,322
Phil, don't do that when Cob's here.
145
00:06:27,422 --> 00:06:29,442
Don't 'Phil' me in my own house.
146
00:06:29,542 --> 00:06:31,542
Literally not your house.
147
00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:34,562
Yeah, but you can't go upstairs,
can you, sweetheart,
148
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,842
'cause, um, your sister's up there,
isn't she?
149
00:06:36,942 --> 00:06:38,922
WOMAN: No, not her. It's him.
He can't go upstairs.
150
00:06:39,022 --> 00:06:40,122
NAOMI: Starting early.
151
00:06:40,222 --> 00:06:41,202
-Alright, Suz?
-Oh, hi.
152
00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:42,382
-NAOMI: Alright, Danielle?
-DANIELLE: Alright.
153
00:06:42,462 --> 00:06:45,162
I can't think straight. Um, what are
you all doing sat in the kitchen?
154
00:06:45,262 --> 00:06:47,842
Go on, sod off, all of you.
155
00:06:47,943 --> 00:06:49,323
PHIL: Harpy!
156
00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:51,523
(ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)
157
00:06:51,623 --> 00:06:53,283
DANIELLE: 'Ere, you know
what I wanna know?
158
00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,683
-KAREN: I'm trying to cook!
-How many famous people you met?
159
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:59,643
Well, I work with famous people
every day, so literally all the time.
160
00:06:59,743 --> 00:07:02,643
No, not you. Suz.
How many famous people you met?
161
00:07:02,743 --> 00:07:04,123
-Name them.
-Oh, I've met loads.
162
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,323
I've met Louis Theroux, I've met...
163
00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:09,123
-Louis who? Who? Who?
-Louis Theroux. You know who that is?
164
00:07:09,223 --> 00:07:10,363
-No.
-Oh, my God.
165
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,763
-Next. Who else?
-What? Well, I've met loads.
166
00:07:12,863 --> 00:07:14,963
Like, what, do you want me
to just list famous people?
167
00:07:15,063 --> 00:07:16,123
DANIELLE: Yes.
168
00:07:16,223 --> 00:07:17,883
What's going on with
all this naked stuff?
169
00:07:17,983 --> 00:07:19,683
-I mean, I'd feel terrible.
-Straight in.
170
00:07:19,783 --> 00:07:22,763
I'd feel awful. I would feel so
awful. Did you sell it or something?
171
00:07:22,864 --> 00:07:24,084
What?! No!
172
00:07:24,184 --> 00:07:25,884
Nah, it's an awful angle for anyone.
173
00:07:25,984 --> 00:07:28,444
-I'd have deleted it.
-I did delete it.
174
00:07:28,544 --> 00:07:30,804
They store
recently deleted stuff too now.
175
00:07:30,904 --> 00:07:32,964
Oh, I'm gonna be really rude.
Gonna be really rude right now.
176
00:07:33,064 --> 00:07:35,804
Do you know when you go on top?
You know when you go on top, right?
177
00:07:35,904 --> 00:07:38,804
You know what I'm talking about.
Right, when you lean...
178
00:07:38,904 --> 00:07:40,284
When you lean over,
179
00:07:40,384 --> 00:07:42,804
you wanna get a mirror
and check what they are seeing.
180
00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,324
I've got udders.
181
00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:47,124
And I go to BODYPUMP twice a week,
do you know what I mean?
182
00:07:47,224 --> 00:07:49,924
-Where's your boyfriend, Naomi?
-KAREN: Oh, no, no, no.
183
00:07:50,024 --> 00:07:52,004
-NAOMI: Where's my boyfriend?
-Do you remember? She's not, um...
184
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,364
-She's...
-No, no. Well, I'm actually 50-50.
185
00:07:54,464 --> 00:07:55,444
She's into women.
186
00:07:55,544 --> 00:07:58,804
Oh, mate, I would...
(GAGS) ..at a fanny.
187
00:07:58,904 --> 00:08:00,574
Don't you wax them every day at work?
188
00:08:00,665 --> 00:08:03,045
Yes. I get paid to do that.
I'm not nose-deep in it.
189
00:08:03,145 --> 00:08:06,445
60-40. 60-40 men now, talking to you.
190
00:08:06,545 --> 00:08:08,685
DANIELLE: One time, during a massage,
I was so hungover,
191
00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:11,365
I vommed all over her lower back.
192
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:12,685
70-30.
193
00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,565
That's my limit.
That area, it's a no-go, mate.
194
00:08:15,665 --> 00:08:17,285
Strictly dickly, me.
195
00:08:17,385 --> 00:08:19,965
Alright, Danielle, I wouldn't do you
either, so chill out.
196
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,485
-Oh, charming! (LAUGHS)
-KAREN: Shane!
197
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,125
Shane's...Shane's cousin's here,
isn't she?
198
00:08:24,225 --> 00:08:26,365
-Oh, yes!
-She plays netball for Kent.
199
00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:27,365
She's gay!
200
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:31,605
Actually, Naomi's in the market for
a bit of spunk, if there's any going.
201
00:08:31,705 --> 00:08:35,245
Didn't Cob want to have more kids
and then you didn't?
202
00:08:35,345 --> 00:08:37,845
Oh, my God. That's not true, is it?
203
00:08:37,946 --> 00:08:39,126
-Oh, Mum...
-NAOMI: It is true.
204
00:08:39,226 --> 00:08:41,206
Well, there's a solution.
You can have her old fella.
205
00:08:41,306 --> 00:08:44,006
-Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.
-I think even I might have a line.
206
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,286
-Fill your boots.
-(WOMAN LAUGHS)
207
00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:48,166
-Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum?
-KAREN: Oh, yeah!
208
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:49,966
DANIELLE: Cheers to that.
To the strictly dickly crew.
209
00:08:50,066 --> 00:08:51,646
Alright?
210
00:08:51,746 --> 00:08:53,486
-Alright?
-Alright?
211
00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:55,586
Oh, babe!
212
00:08:57,586 --> 00:08:59,966
Alright, Grinny?
This is mad, isn't it?
213
00:09:00,066 --> 00:09:01,166
Look at you. Look at you.
214
00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,326
So crazy, 'cause you're eight still,
aren't you?
215
00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:05,886
-How are you? What the fuck?
-Don't. How am I?
216
00:09:05,986 --> 00:09:08,606
How are you?
You've got a lot of make-up on.
217
00:09:08,706 --> 00:09:10,326
No, this is normal.
218
00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:13,286
Right. I've brought
the magic showbiz box.
219
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:16,327
So, have you got any words of wisdom
for your sister?
220
00:09:16,427 --> 00:09:17,607
You've done it enough times.
221
00:09:17,707 --> 00:09:19,927
Well, it's a sign
I'm not very good at it, Grin.
222
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,447
(WHISPERS) Can't say that.
223
00:09:21,547 --> 00:09:24,087
I'll bet this dress
makes you want to be sick.
224
00:09:24,187 --> 00:09:25,087
No.
225
00:09:25,187 --> 00:09:26,567
Your father's doing
me bloody head in.
226
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,767
It's good.
It's looking quite creased on there.
227
00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:31,207
Oh, you look like a model.
228
00:09:31,307 --> 00:09:33,847
Look at you.
She's gorgeous, isn't she? (CHUCKLES)
229
00:09:33,947 --> 00:09:35,327
This is actually really good.
230
00:09:35,427 --> 00:09:37,847
-KAREN: Give us a fag.
-Oh, blimey, what are you doing?
231
00:09:37,947 --> 00:09:39,847
Mum, what are you doing?
You're sat on the dress.
232
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,447
-Bloody hell. Keep your hair on.
-You're just going to crease it all!
233
00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:44,287
You're just smoking next to it.
It'll go up.
234
00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,647
-It's creased anyway. Jesus.
-GRINNY: What are you like?
235
00:09:46,747 --> 00:09:48,247
-Hey, Ferd.
-Alright.
236
00:09:48,347 --> 00:09:50,527
Alright, Shane? Budge up.
237
00:09:50,628 --> 00:09:53,328
(COMMENTATOR SPEAKS ON TV)
238
00:09:53,428 --> 00:09:57,388
JON: Thing is, that centre forward,
I've seen milk turn faster.
239
00:09:58,508 --> 00:10:01,208
-Size of his arse.
-PHIL: Size of YOUR arse.
240
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:05,288
-(LAUGHS)
-JON: He ain't fit. Look. Look.
241
00:10:05,388 --> 00:10:07,648
GRINNY: Karen says
you've done a porno.
242
00:10:07,748 --> 00:10:10,088
No, I didn't. I-I didn't.
243
00:10:10,188 --> 00:10:12,248
Who's the bloke in it?
I bet you shat yourself.
244
00:10:12,348 --> 00:10:14,768
-No, it doesn't matter.
-GRINNY: It's all them Kardashians.
245
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:16,328
KAREN: Just worried about you.
246
00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:19,648
A married woman doesn't need
to do all that stuff.
247
00:10:19,748 --> 00:10:22,628
Look, honestly, when I think about
what's on my phone...
248
00:10:23,788 --> 00:10:26,908
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-DANIELLE: Suz! Your husband's here!
249
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,029
OK, off.
250
00:10:31,509 --> 00:10:35,169
COB: Bonjour! I hear a television.
It must be a wedding day.
251
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,169
COMMENTATOR: I wonder what
Marco Silva would do about this
252
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,449
with Liverpool
pegging his team back...
253
00:10:38,549 --> 00:10:40,729
Oh, here he is. Sound of the devil.
254
00:10:40,829 --> 00:10:43,729
OK. Shane, congrats.
255
00:10:43,829 --> 00:10:47,449
I see you're enjoying your last
free moments there. Quite right.
256
00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:49,209
Take a pew. Liverpool scored.
257
00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:51,209
Utterly convinced, aren't you,
if you keep telling me things,
258
00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:52,689
eventually I'm gonna care.
259
00:10:52,789 --> 00:10:54,789
Hello, Phil.
260
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:57,889
Not even a joke about my wife
in those photos?
261
00:10:57,989 --> 00:10:59,689
No? I thought that'd be
right up your street.
262
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:02,409
-Feel free to shout, "Cuckold."
-That's my daughter.
263
00:11:02,509 --> 00:11:04,369
Well, indeed. Yes, it is. Yeah.
264
00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,090
Not gonna allude to me
being unable to satisfy her?
265
00:11:07,190 --> 00:11:08,810
I expected a bit more badinage, mate.
266
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:11,450
-What's a cuckold again?
-(LAUGHS) You'll find out.
267
00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:13,250
-(MEN CHUCKLE)
-Porn thing.
268
00:11:13,350 --> 00:11:15,690
-When a black guy does it.
-OK.
269
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:17,730
FERD: Fucking...
Shane, will you move?!
270
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,170
Well, I'm gonna let Naomi
deal with that...that bombshell.
271
00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:24,170
I can see it's sending her into
an intersectional feminist frenzy.
272
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:26,290
COB: Good stuff.
273
00:11:26,390 --> 00:11:28,890
COMMENTATOR: ..in no-man's land.
It's Firmino!
274
00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:30,410
(MEN CHEER)
275
00:11:30,510 --> 00:11:33,050
Excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me. Don't mind me.
276
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,650
KAREN: Oh!
277
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:36,290
-COB: Hiya.
-KAREN: Hiya, Cob.
278
00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,730
Hey, love. Sorry about the Eurostar.
Sounds like a nightmare.
279
00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:43,090
Naughty, aren't you,
coming into the secret chamber?
280
00:11:43,191 --> 00:11:45,191
-I know.
-Hello, B-law.
281
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:46,571
Vision.
282
00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:48,571
Do you know,
I always forget how tall you are.
283
00:11:48,671 --> 00:11:51,051
-How tall is he?
-He must be 6'2" if he's a day.
284
00:11:51,151 --> 00:11:52,971
-He's 6'.
-(LISPS) 6'2" in my heels.
285
00:11:53,071 --> 00:11:56,451
GRINNY: I wouldn't let him out of
your sight if I were you, Suzie.
286
00:11:56,551 --> 00:11:58,651
Sorry, they said this was
the best place to get changed.
287
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,411
I think Shane's using the loo. Ooh!
288
00:12:01,511 --> 00:12:06,411
It's good luck! They say, "The looser
the bowels, the truer the vows."
289
00:12:06,511 --> 00:12:08,891
Do you want us to... Should we leave
while you get changed?
290
00:12:08,991 --> 00:12:11,211
No, no, no, Mum. This is
the bride's getting-ready space.
291
00:12:11,311 --> 00:12:12,691
COB: It's fine. It's just a...
292
00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,491
It's a late hen party for you all,
isn't it?
293
00:12:14,591 --> 00:12:16,851
(WOMEN LAUGH)
294
00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:20,132
-Suz, you went up for a musical?
-Yeah.
295
00:12:20,232 --> 00:12:21,452
Yeah, I just thought, you know,
296
00:12:21,552 --> 00:12:25,012
maybe less getting murdered and raped
and zombied all the time, you know.
297
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,572
Maybe just a bit more tap dancing.
298
00:12:26,672 --> 00:12:29,612
-Oh, are you gonna do a musical?
-Yeah, I mean, it's just an audition.
299
00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:31,252
But it's actually...
It's a new musical.
300
00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:34,852
It's pretty vibe-y. It's called
'A Party for Monica Lewinsky'.
301
00:12:34,952 --> 00:12:38,332
Right. And who would you be playing?
302
00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:42,012
I've always wanted to be in a chorus
line. It's, like, my absolute dream.
303
00:12:42,112 --> 00:12:44,692
Why, even in, like,
your wildest fantasies,
304
00:12:44,792 --> 00:12:46,852
are you just
a faceless chorus member?
305
00:12:46,952 --> 00:12:50,012
I mean, it's...it's your dream, Mum.
You could literally star.
306
00:12:50,112 --> 00:12:52,772
Sorry, you're gonna get away from
everything that happened recently
307
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,872
by playing Monica Lewinsky?
308
00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:58,033
Can you even sing?
309
00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:01,293
Yeah, I was a professional pop star.
310
00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:03,433
COB: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
311
00:13:04,713 --> 00:13:06,873
OK. Um...
312
00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:11,613
Have you got a bag for these?
Don't want to ruin the line.
313
00:13:11,713 --> 00:13:14,213
Yeah, I'll put it my bag.
314
00:13:14,313 --> 00:13:15,893
Merci beaucoup.
315
00:13:15,993 --> 00:13:19,633
I'm just gonna check
if Shane's out of the toilet.
316
00:13:21,393 --> 00:13:24,333
-KAREN: Have you been training?
-You're goddamn right, I have been.
317
00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:26,253
-Have some of this.
-GRINNY: Nice hairy chest.
318
00:13:26,353 --> 00:13:28,253
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
319
00:13:28,353 --> 00:13:30,653
COB: I don't mind my hairy chest.
I trimmed it, actually.
320
00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:33,654
That's a trim. (LAUGHS)
321
00:13:33,754 --> 00:13:36,194
(MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL CHATTER)
322
00:13:45,154 --> 00:13:46,534
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
323
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:49,414
Uh, news - the musical wanna
take you up to a dance audition.
324
00:13:49,514 --> 00:13:50,894
It's pretty much
what you've done before
325
00:13:50,994 --> 00:13:52,174
but the choreographer's
only in today.
326
00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:54,134
-Can you do it over Skype?
-What, today, like, now?
327
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,894
Yeah. I said
the only time you're free is now.
328
00:13:55,994 --> 00:13:57,374
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's...let's do it.
329
00:13:57,474 --> 00:13:59,174
But don't tell Arch.
I don't wanna pull focus.
330
00:13:59,274 --> 00:14:01,254
No. Let's go.
331
00:14:01,354 --> 00:14:02,574
Can I just put it over here?
332
00:14:02,674 --> 00:14:04,374
-Can you see me?
-MAN: That's good. I can see you.
333
00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:08,064
I just need you to copy what I'm
doing, OK? Keeping it really basic.
334
00:14:08,155 --> 00:14:10,175
Um, I mean, alright.
335
00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:12,535
As long as you can hear me
talk to the beat.
336
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,055
Just going to be like this, OK?
337
00:14:14,155 --> 00:14:17,655
OK, I've been sent to do the face.
Lucky you.
338
00:14:17,755 --> 00:14:19,735
-That's nice of you, Naomi.
-Yeah.
339
00:14:19,835 --> 00:14:22,055
Sit down, Arch. Let's have a look.
340
00:14:22,155 --> 00:14:24,375
Uh, should we start
with the eyes or...?
341
00:14:24,475 --> 00:14:28,375
Yeah. We were thinking
about Cleopatra eyeliner.
342
00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:30,335
-Just straight and neat.
-Yeah? Like a flick?
343
00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:31,455
-Yeah.
-Sure. OK.
344
00:14:31,555 --> 00:14:33,775
-Neat.
-Yeah, neat. Sure.
345
00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:35,695
Um...
346
00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:39,215
Uh, well,
'cause I'm used to doing my own,
347
00:14:39,315 --> 00:14:42,615
if I just start here in the corner
and work across...
348
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,935
Nah. Nah, no offence.
349
00:14:45,036 --> 00:14:47,456
-What?
-You're not equipped.
350
00:14:47,556 --> 00:14:49,656
-Mum, look at that.
-Oh, fuck.
351
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,176
Oh, you need to smudge it.
352
00:14:52,276 --> 00:14:53,936
-Smudge it.
-Smudge it.
353
00:14:54,036 --> 00:14:56,156
On her wedding day. Fuckin' hell.
354
00:14:57,836 --> 00:14:59,456
Well, now I've lost confidence.
355
00:14:59,556 --> 00:15:03,936
MAN: ..five, six
and seven, eight. And one...
356
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:06,136
-..three and four.
-One, two, three, four...
357
00:15:06,236 --> 00:15:08,236
No, no, no, no.
358
00:15:09,596 --> 00:15:11,336
-You've got to go in.
-MAN: With me, Suzie.
359
00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:13,856
-OK, take it from the top.
-Sorry. Start again. OK.
360
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,336
And a one...
361
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:18,616
-One, two, three, four, five, six.
-Change.
362
00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:21,336
Seven and a one, two, three...
363
00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:24,217
Phil, come on. Come on! Come on!
364
00:15:24,317 --> 00:15:26,257
(LAUGHTER)
365
00:15:26,357 --> 00:15:28,497
(PHIL SINGS) ♪ If she don't come,
I'll tickle her bum
366
00:15:28,597 --> 00:15:31,377
♪ With a lump of celery
Celery! ♪
367
00:15:31,477 --> 00:15:33,897
-Wahey!
-No, go away!
368
00:15:33,997 --> 00:15:36,217
-SUZIE: I'm doing my tape!
-What's going on out there, then?
369
00:15:36,317 --> 00:15:38,657
-Don't film me! What are you doing?
-Why not? They're gonna love it!
370
00:15:38,757 --> 00:15:42,117
-I'm so sorry.
-(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
371
00:15:43,117 --> 00:15:46,377
-Mum, he looked right at me!
-Sorry, I'm at my sister's wedding.
372
00:15:46,477 --> 00:15:48,177
You stupid bastard, Shane.
You're not supposed to look!
373
00:15:48,277 --> 00:15:49,857
I didn't see anything.
Arch, I didn't see ya!
374
00:15:49,957 --> 00:15:53,857
Oh, it doesn't matter!
OK, I'm gonna have to call you back.
375
00:15:53,957 --> 00:15:55,577
You've probably fucked it
with your eyes now!
376
00:15:55,677 --> 00:15:57,057
Fuck off.
I didn't see anything! Arch!
377
00:15:57,157 --> 00:16:00,057
-Smash a mirror and cancel it out.
-It doesn't work like that, Mum.
378
00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:02,658
-SUZIE: ..get that job.
-(LAUGHTER)
379
00:16:02,758 --> 00:16:04,178
Five, six, seven...
380
00:16:04,278 --> 00:16:06,058
She can't control
who comes into the garden.
381
00:16:06,158 --> 00:16:08,578
Whatever. It's fine. Just don't bring
this energy into the minivan.
382
00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:10,058
I just don't want you
remembering this
383
00:16:10,158 --> 00:16:11,658
as Suzie making it all about her.
384
00:16:11,758 --> 00:16:13,658
We'll finish the make-up en route.
385
00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:15,758
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
386
00:16:17,918 --> 00:16:21,118
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
387
00:16:26,158 --> 00:16:28,158
(FLY BUZZES)
388
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:34,758
('BRIDAL CHORUS'
BY RICHARD WAGNER PLAYS)
389
00:16:43,199 --> 00:16:46,099
Why is it only married people
that cry at weddings?
390
00:16:46,199 --> 00:16:48,499
KAREN: Oh, God. (SNIFFS)
391
00:16:48,599 --> 00:16:50,579
Apparently,
I haven't got anywhere to sit
392
00:16:50,679 --> 00:16:52,419
because I'm not supposed to be here.
393
00:16:52,519 --> 00:16:54,179
-Result.
-Oh, you are supposed to be here.
394
00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,539
You can't just say that
and it's true. It's fine.
395
00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:58,539
(KAREN GROANS)
396
00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:00,639
(BLOWS NOSE, GRUNTS)
397
00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:08,499
Ooh.
398
00:17:08,599 --> 00:17:10,599
(DOOR CLOSES)
399
00:17:11,159 --> 00:17:15,979
By the way, your dad's in
a bit of state about everything.
400
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,140
And he wants me to ask you something.
401
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,460
What?
402
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,020
Alright, you're not allowed
to get angry with me, alright?
403
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,220
Oh, no, here we go.
404
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,820
No, listen,
I don't know anything about this,
405
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,300
but your dad's gonna do a chat
with one of the men from the 'Sun',
406
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,220
just so you know.
407
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,320
What?
408
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,500
It's 30 grand, love.
409
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,100
What...what...
what are you talking about?
410
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,260
They just want to talk to him about
stuff and your life, you know.
411
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,220
I mean, it's about all of us,
all this.
412
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:45,900
And Archie is gonna get 30 grand
as a gift for a deposit.
413
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,300
I mean, have you got her a gift?
414
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,620
Yeah, I've got her a gift.
I've got her a...
415
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:53,461
-What?
-An air purifier that also cools.
416
00:17:53,561 --> 00:17:57,141
Nice, but this is better.
It's a house.
417
00:17:57,241 --> 00:18:00,021
Hang on. Dad's gonna talk to a paper?
418
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:03,221
Yeah, but he's stressed that YOU
are gonna get stressed about it.
419
00:18:03,321 --> 00:18:05,101
OK, alright. Alright, Mum.
420
00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:07,421
-Just another day...
-It's 30 grand!
421
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,221
By the way,
what the fuck are you doing
422
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:10,901
relaying messages
for your ex-husband?
423
00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:12,781
I don't know. Just...
That's all, anyway.
424
00:18:12,881 --> 00:18:14,141
-Yeah.
-Right, just don't ask!
425
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:16,101
Alright, Mum. Fucking hell.
426
00:18:16,201 --> 00:18:19,101
('JUST A LITTLE' BY LIBERTY X PLAYS)
427
00:18:19,201 --> 00:18:21,901
♪ Yeah, yeah
428
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,001
♪ Mm
429
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,221
♪ Sexy
430
00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:28,662
♪ Everything about you... ♪
431
00:18:28,762 --> 00:18:31,462
Oh. I don't want any more.
I just want a bit of cheese.
432
00:18:31,562 --> 00:18:33,382
-That's what you wanted, Dad.
-Here, you have it.
433
00:18:33,482 --> 00:18:37,522
Shane, come and meet my cousin.
Come on, Shane. Come on.
434
00:18:46,202 --> 00:18:48,482
-Alright?
-Alright?
435
00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:55,222
Mum said
you're gonna talk to the 'Sun'.
436
00:18:55,322 --> 00:18:58,022
(CLEARS THROAT)
Why is she making a thing about it?
437
00:18:58,122 --> 00:19:00,542
What do you even know about it?
438
00:19:00,642 --> 00:19:02,542
I know my daughter's
all over the papers.
439
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:05,063
No, I'm not all over the papers.
Naomi's seen to that.
440
00:19:05,163 --> 00:19:07,863
They're not allowed to print it.
It's illegal.
441
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:10,383
They're doing a piece on
the men in your life...
442
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,383
What?
443
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,263
..which I do have some feelings
about, actually, historically.
444
00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:15,903
(LAUGHS) Wow.
445
00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:19,183
Wow. I mean, I-I cannot...
446
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,623
I cannot believe you're gonna
try and make money out of this.
447
00:19:22,723 --> 00:19:24,343
I'm not making money out of it.
448
00:19:24,443 --> 00:19:27,743
I'm giving 20 of it to your sister
as a wedding present...
449
00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:30,023
-Right.
-..as a deposit for a house.
450
00:19:30,123 --> 00:19:31,823
OK, what about the other 10?
451
00:19:31,923 --> 00:19:34,023
-OK, Phil?
-Having a good time?
452
00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:36,243
-Yeah, great.
-Lovely. Nice to see the family.
453
00:19:37,723 --> 00:19:41,743
It's just words, Suzie. It's mental.
They give it to you for words.
454
00:19:41,844 --> 00:19:44,664
I know, Dad. I know.
Don't you think they came to me?
455
00:19:44,764 --> 00:19:47,024
Didn't YOU think to come to me?
456
00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:48,824
So, I have to come to you
for permission
457
00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,104
to talk about my own family?
458
00:19:50,204 --> 00:19:51,824
-Is that the rule now?
-Have you already done it?
459
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,464
You're in charge of the family now,
are you?
460
00:19:53,564 --> 00:19:55,184
Apparently, Dad, yeah, I am.
461
00:19:55,284 --> 00:19:58,704
All I know is your sister is never
gonna be able to buy a house,
462
00:19:58,804 --> 00:20:00,344
and I can't help because...
463
00:20:00,444 --> 00:20:02,264
You pissed away all of your money...
464
00:20:02,364 --> 00:20:06,984
Because of the collapse of
the industry I worked in.
465
00:20:07,084 --> 00:20:11,624
What, the fuckin' managing
local bands? That industry?
466
00:20:11,724 --> 00:20:14,344
Yeah, do you think the internet
doesn't affect live music?
467
00:20:14,444 --> 00:20:16,594
I literally paid off your mortgage.
468
00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:19,225
Yeah, and moved it into
your mum's name.
469
00:20:19,325 --> 00:20:21,225
Yeah, because you left the house.
470
00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:23,865
Then I didn't get nothing paid off,
did I?
471
00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:26,945
I didn't get nothing.
Story of my life.
472
00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:30,465
And now you say I can't say
a few words to a bloke on the phone
473
00:20:30,565 --> 00:20:32,945
for a rag that no-one reads?
474
00:20:33,045 --> 00:20:35,465
Controlling. You wanna control me,
wanna control my voice.
475
00:20:35,565 --> 00:20:38,025
Well, I'm not gonna
be controlled anymore.
476
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,125
Hmm.
477
00:20:42,845 --> 00:20:44,845
Got it?
478
00:20:53,646 --> 00:20:57,166
Dad's gonna sell a story on me.
And you, I suppose.
479
00:21:01,246 --> 00:21:03,906
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
480
00:21:04,006 --> 00:21:06,626
(PHIL, JON AND COB ARGUE)
481
00:21:06,726 --> 00:21:08,546
They're jackals, Phil.
You'd understand that.
482
00:21:08,646 --> 00:21:10,546
-WOMAN: Come sit here.
-And it fucked that marriage up.
483
00:21:10,646 --> 00:21:11,546
Stay sensible.
484
00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:13,746
Jude, Naomi. Naomi, Jude.
485
00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:15,826
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Jude.
486
00:21:15,926 --> 00:21:18,226
-Jude plays netball.
-Yes, I remember. Thank you.
487
00:21:18,326 --> 00:21:20,326
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
488
00:21:25,406 --> 00:21:27,386
-Want some wine, Jude?
-Yes, please.
489
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:30,486
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
490
00:22:07,728 --> 00:22:10,528
-Do you want this, Ferd?
-FERD: No, you have it, darlin'.
491
00:22:12,648 --> 00:22:14,928
-Eugh.
-DANIELLE: Alright, you two.
492
00:22:22,728 --> 00:22:24,388
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
493
00:22:24,488 --> 00:22:26,488
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
494
00:22:27,288 --> 00:22:29,628
I'd like to introduce
the father of the bride.
495
00:22:29,728 --> 00:22:33,148
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
496
00:22:33,248 --> 00:22:35,248
PHIL: Thank you.
497
00:22:40,248 --> 00:22:41,788
(SINGS) ♪ Regrets... ♪
498
00:22:41,888 --> 00:22:43,828
(MILD LAUGHTER)
499
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:46,229
When you have kids, you think,
500
00:22:46,329 --> 00:22:50,069
"Oh, God,
I've got to keep them alive.
501
00:22:50,169 --> 00:22:53,309
"I've got to keep these little
girls alive."
502
00:22:53,409 --> 00:22:55,669
But then you don't just
keep 'em alive.
503
00:22:55,769 --> 00:23:00,309
You've got to keep them happy
and safe and warm and fed
504
00:23:00,409 --> 00:23:02,989
and even that's not enough, you know?
505
00:23:03,089 --> 00:23:05,909
-Apparently.
-(LAUGHTER)
506
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:09,069
"No, Daddy, you mustn't shout."
507
00:23:09,169 --> 00:23:11,709
You have to say "excuse me"
when you burp.
508
00:23:11,809 --> 00:23:14,469
-(LAUGHTER)
-JON: Yeah, as if you ever did!
509
00:23:14,569 --> 00:23:17,369
"You shouldn't eat eggs
from those battery ones."
510
00:23:18,769 --> 00:23:20,629
I remember Archie saying to me,
511
00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:23,750
"You can't sit on that deckchair,
Dad," on the beach,
512
00:23:23,850 --> 00:23:26,110
"'Cause you gotta pay for it."
513
00:23:26,210 --> 00:23:29,070
And I said, "It's alright.
They'll come round."
514
00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:31,590
But she was very cross
that whole time.
515
00:23:31,690 --> 00:23:33,190
Do you remember, Squidge?
516
00:23:33,290 --> 00:23:35,350
"No, you gotta pay for it, Daddy!"
517
00:23:35,450 --> 00:23:38,870
And I'm from the '60s.
"Fuck the deckchair man."
518
00:23:38,970 --> 00:23:42,890
(LAUGHTER)
519
00:23:44,450 --> 00:23:47,830
So I walk all the way down the beach
to find the bloke.
520
00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:49,390
Course, when we get back there,
521
00:23:49,490 --> 00:23:51,430
there's these other bastards
sat there.
522
00:23:51,530 --> 00:23:56,290
Now, I'm about to lose my absolute...
523
00:23:57,691 --> 00:24:00,471
And there's Archie, beaming.
524
00:24:00,571 --> 00:24:04,391
She said, "They don't even know
they're a present, Dad."
525
00:24:04,491 --> 00:24:06,491
GUESTS: Aww!
526
00:24:07,811 --> 00:24:09,511
'Cause that made her day.
527
00:24:09,611 --> 00:24:11,791
(APPLAUSE)
528
00:24:11,891 --> 00:24:13,271
That wasn't...
529
00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:16,911
-What?
-That wasn't... That never happened.
530
00:24:17,011 --> 00:24:19,791
-That was me.
-Sure.
531
00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:22,591
PHIL: ...makes you a better man,
which is what my kids did for me.
532
00:24:22,691 --> 00:24:24,791
So I don't need to think of
anything else to say
533
00:24:24,891 --> 00:24:26,871
'cause I'm so happy for you.
534
00:24:26,971 --> 00:24:30,911
And, um, it's good to, and nice to,
feel something pure
535
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:33,591
because there's not a lot that is.
536
00:24:33,692 --> 00:24:38,472
And you gotta remember when
something's pure, haven't you? OK.
537
00:24:38,572 --> 00:24:41,572
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
538
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:54,352
MAN: Everyone, I'd just like to do
a toast to Shane and Archie.
539
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,552
ALL: Shane and Archie.
540
00:24:57,652 --> 00:24:59,672
-Cheers.
-Love you.
541
00:24:59,772 --> 00:25:01,772
Cheers, Mum.
542
00:25:04,092 --> 00:25:07,092
THE CLASH: ♪ Down the Casbah way
543
00:25:08,292 --> 00:25:11,832
♪ As soon as the Shareef
was chauffeured outta there
544
00:25:11,933 --> 00:25:15,553
♪ The jet pilots tuned to
the cockpit radio blare
545
00:25:15,653 --> 00:25:19,153
♪ As soon as the Shareef
was outta their hair
546
00:25:19,253 --> 00:25:21,573
♪ The jet pilots wailed
547
00:25:23,093 --> 00:25:25,293
♪ The Shareef don't like it
548
00:25:26,813 --> 00:25:30,313
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
549
00:25:30,413 --> 00:25:32,413
♪ The Shareef don't like it
550
00:25:34,253 --> 00:25:37,793
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
551
00:25:37,893 --> 00:25:41,553
♪ The Shareef don't like it
He thinks it's not kosher
552
00:25:41,653 --> 00:25:45,113
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
553
00:25:45,213 --> 00:25:48,993
♪ The Shareef don't like it
Fundamentally can't take it
554
00:25:49,094 --> 00:25:52,434
♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah
555
00:25:52,534 --> 00:25:54,674
♪ The Shareef don't like it... ♪
556
00:25:54,774 --> 00:25:57,394
(CHEERING)
557
00:25:57,494 --> 00:26:00,494
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
558
00:26:03,374 --> 00:26:06,514
COB: You guys will probably
sleep together tonight.
559
00:26:06,614 --> 00:26:07,994
Your husband's an arsehole.
560
00:26:08,094 --> 00:26:10,074
Why is it OK for you
to say that to me?
561
00:26:10,174 --> 00:26:11,874
If I said that to you,
you'd all explode.
562
00:26:11,974 --> 00:26:13,194
'Cause it's factually accurate.
563
00:26:13,294 --> 00:26:14,794
I was just saying
I find weddings depressing.
564
00:26:14,894 --> 00:26:16,194
No, you were saying
they WERE depressing.
565
00:26:16,294 --> 00:26:18,874
-You were claiming it as a fact.
-Because it's a fact to me.
566
00:26:18,974 --> 00:26:20,754
No, it's about the amount of hope.
567
00:26:20,854 --> 00:26:23,154
That's the exact opposite
of depressing, surely.
568
00:26:23,254 --> 00:26:26,604
You have this woman handed from
one man to another man...
569
00:26:26,695 --> 00:26:28,875
Oh, my... You don't mean that.
You don't even think that.
570
00:26:28,975 --> 00:26:31,475
You're just quoting from some idea
which is just as received and false
571
00:26:31,575 --> 00:26:33,075
as you say marriage is,
just to impress...
572
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,315
-OK, that's fine.
-No, no, no.
573
00:26:34,415 --> 00:26:35,995
No, 'cause I could easily play
devil's advocate
574
00:26:36,095 --> 00:26:37,475
with the whole who owns what thing.
575
00:26:37,575 --> 00:26:39,155
Ooh, devil's is
my favourite kind of advocacy.
576
00:26:39,255 --> 00:26:40,635
-Oh, guys, come on.
-Oh, good, OK.
577
00:26:40,735 --> 00:26:43,355
Well, no, man-bash. Sure.
That's genius. But just...
578
00:26:43,455 --> 00:26:46,515
OK, say, for example, say men
wanna be with a woman, right?
579
00:26:46,615 --> 00:26:48,035
Wanna be in a relationship
with a woman.
580
00:26:48,135 --> 00:26:50,835
So women say, "Why should I be?
What are you offering me?"
581
00:26:50,935 --> 00:26:52,475
Well, what are you offering her?
582
00:26:52,575 --> 00:26:56,035
So men go out and they kill animals
and they build huts
583
00:26:56,135 --> 00:26:58,755
and they build civilisations,
they make an empire.
584
00:26:58,855 --> 00:27:01,435
"What about protecting me?
What if you're not around?"
585
00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:02,836
"OK, yeah, good point."
586
00:27:02,936 --> 00:27:05,276
So he goes out and he makes
the police force and the army
587
00:27:05,376 --> 00:27:07,596
and he persuades men to die
and go to war.
588
00:27:07,696 --> 00:27:11,036
She says, "But what about
nice things? I want nice things."
589
00:27:11,136 --> 00:27:12,676
"Alright, yeah. OK, fair enough."
590
00:27:12,776 --> 00:27:14,476
So he makes the economy
and he builds skyscrapers...
591
00:27:14,576 --> 00:27:16,436
Yeah, big fucking dicks
in the sky, man.
592
00:27:16,536 --> 00:27:18,996
She says, "Why have you got all that
stuff? I want some of that stuff.
593
00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:21,516
"Why do I have to sit in this
massive house you built me all day?"
594
00:27:21,616 --> 00:27:23,916
So, men go, "OK, yeah. No, fair
enough. I can appreciate that.
595
00:27:24,016 --> 00:27:26,516
"Why don't you come in?
Why don't you be part of this thing?"
596
00:27:26,616 --> 00:27:28,236
"I want half of it."
"Yeah, OK, fine.
597
00:27:28,336 --> 00:27:29,676
"No, I understand that. Here you go.
598
00:27:29,776 --> 00:27:32,316
"Why don't you come in and be half of
this thing? I think you're great."
599
00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:34,076
"Ugh! Stop harassing me!
Get the fuck out.
600
00:27:34,176 --> 00:27:36,676
"This is all mine now. Get out."
"That's not really on, is it?
601
00:27:36,776 --> 00:27:38,276
"I built all this
just to impress you."
602
00:27:38,377 --> 00:27:40,157
"I don't care. Get out.
This is all mine now."
603
00:27:40,257 --> 00:27:41,637
Why the fuck
should women be with men
604
00:27:41,737 --> 00:27:42,917
if they can't offer them anything?
605
00:27:43,017 --> 00:27:45,037
-What is the point?
-That's exactly what I'm saying!
606
00:27:45,137 --> 00:27:47,317
You're agreeing. You're agreeing.
607
00:27:47,417 --> 00:27:49,397
Basically, men built the world
so women would fuck them
608
00:27:49,497 --> 00:27:51,437
and then women are like,
"Give me this world you've built.
609
00:27:51,537 --> 00:27:53,237
"Oh, and also,
we don't wanna fuck you anymore."
610
00:27:53,337 --> 00:27:54,957
-(LAUGHS)
-Would be the argument.
611
00:27:55,057 --> 00:27:56,437
OK.
612
00:27:56,537 --> 00:27:59,157
-Are you married?
-That's my wife.
613
00:27:59,257 --> 00:28:02,837
-Yeah, we are. Yeah.
-I'm just trying to liven things up.
614
00:28:02,937 --> 00:28:04,557
It is actually quite depressing.
615
00:28:04,657 --> 00:28:06,037
-(SUZIE LAUGHS)
-Let's dance.
616
00:28:06,137 --> 00:28:08,137
Let's do it.
617
00:28:09,337 --> 00:28:11,797
You're welcome. I'm going for a piss.
618
00:28:11,897 --> 00:28:14,617
Look after my phone, will you?
All your family are thieves.
619
00:28:32,258 --> 00:28:34,618
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
620
00:28:37,818 --> 00:28:40,138
PHIL: She's made me do this.
621
00:28:41,858 --> 00:28:45,718
(SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago
622
00:28:45,818 --> 00:28:48,558
♪ I can still remember
623
00:28:48,658 --> 00:28:51,578
♪ How that music
used to make me smile
624
00:28:53,659 --> 00:28:57,039
♪ And I knew if I had my chance
625
00:28:57,139 --> 00:28:59,879
♪ That I could make
those people dance
626
00:28:59,979 --> 00:29:04,179
♪ And maybe they'd be happy
for a while
627
00:29:07,539 --> 00:29:10,399
♪ But February made me shiver
628
00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:13,679
♪ With every paper I'd deliver
629
00:29:13,779 --> 00:29:16,719
♪ Bad news on the doorstep
630
00:29:16,819 --> 00:29:20,639
♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪
631
00:29:20,739 --> 00:29:23,559
(PIANO MELODY CONTINUES)
632
00:29:23,659 --> 00:29:25,659
(LIGHT TINKLING)
633
00:29:42,820 --> 00:29:44,320
(HAND SLAPS)
634
00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:47,680
(SINGS) ♪ So, bye-bye,
Miss American Pie
635
00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:53,200
♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee
but the levee was dry
636
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:57,680
♪ Them good ole boys
were drinking whiskey and rye
637
00:29:57,780 --> 00:30:03,040
♪ Singin'
"This'll be the day that I die,
638
00:30:03,140 --> 00:30:06,360
♪ "This'll be the day that I die." ♪
639
00:30:06,461 --> 00:30:08,841
PHIL: Come on!
640
00:30:08,941 --> 00:30:11,521
♪ Did you write the book of love
641
00:30:11,621 --> 00:30:15,841
♪ And you have faith in God above? ♪
642
00:30:15,941 --> 00:30:19,241
Forget it, by the way.
I'm not doing it anymore.
643
00:30:19,341 --> 00:30:21,841
No papers, no present for Archie.
644
00:30:21,941 --> 00:30:25,921
I'm tired of being the arsehole.
YOU be the arsehole.
645
00:30:26,021 --> 00:30:29,881
♪ Well, I know that
you're in love with him
646
00:30:29,981 --> 00:30:33,321
♪ 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym
647
00:30:33,421 --> 00:30:36,681
♪ You both kicked off your shoes
648
00:30:36,781 --> 00:30:39,781
♪ Man, I dig those rhythm and blues
649
00:30:41,421 --> 00:30:43,841
♪ Lonely teenage broncin' buck
650
00:30:43,942 --> 00:30:47,682
♪ With a pink carnation
and a pick-up truck
651
00:30:47,782 --> 00:30:50,802
♪ But I knew I was out of luck
652
00:30:50,902 --> 00:30:55,762
♪ The day the music died... ♪
653
00:30:55,862 --> 00:30:57,862
Big-time.
654
00:30:58,622 --> 00:31:00,922
We were gonna stay at the hotel
but it's, like, 300 quid
655
00:31:01,022 --> 00:31:03,802
and we'd rather just put that
on a deposit for a holiday.
656
00:31:03,902 --> 00:31:06,982
Oh, it's better here anyway
so he can be sick.
657
00:31:09,702 --> 00:31:12,922
What the fuck
does she keep in this room?
658
00:31:13,022 --> 00:31:15,782
-Have you ever looked in here?
-No.
659
00:31:17,142 --> 00:31:20,082
At least she doesn't
keep this out anymore.
660
00:31:20,183 --> 00:31:23,403
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Oh, my God.
661
00:31:23,503 --> 00:31:25,843
She's so mental.
662
00:31:25,943 --> 00:31:27,723
When this was my room,
663
00:31:27,823 --> 00:31:31,003
she used to, like, come in
and ask me if she should leave Dad.
664
00:31:31,103 --> 00:31:33,443
-Did she ever do that to you?
-No.
665
00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:39,183
Um... Thanks. She'd come in
and she'd be hammered.
666
00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,963
She'd be like, "Do you think
I should leave your father?
667
00:31:44,063 --> 00:31:45,483
"You do, don't you?"
668
00:31:45,583 --> 00:31:47,523
Fucking hell. What did you say?
669
00:31:47,623 --> 00:31:49,883
I don't know. I was 10.
670
00:31:49,983 --> 00:31:53,603
-Did you say yeah?
-No, it wasn't me, Arch.
671
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,763
Dad left Mum.
The walls are pretty thin.
672
00:31:56,864 --> 00:31:58,604
He's actually...
673
00:31:58,704 --> 00:32:01,604
He's told me not to tell you 'cause
he doesn't want you to do favourites,
674
00:32:01,704 --> 00:32:05,244
but he's giving me and Shane, like,
15 grand for a deposit on a house.
675
00:32:05,344 --> 00:32:07,124
You know, he's actually
sorted a lot out.
676
00:32:07,224 --> 00:32:09,724
(LAUGHS) 15!
OK, but do you actually know...
677
00:32:09,824 --> 00:32:11,204
Why have you gotta
shit on everything?
678
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,404
I'm not. It's just...
679
00:32:12,504 --> 00:32:14,604
It might not be a lot of money
to you, but...
680
00:32:14,704 --> 00:32:17,124
-OK, but it's Dad.
-It's a wedding present.
681
00:32:17,224 --> 00:32:20,804
'Cause don't say anything,
682
00:32:20,904 --> 00:32:23,764
but I reckon I'm up the wotsit.
683
00:32:23,864 --> 00:32:27,564
Are you fucking joking?
You've been wankered all day.
684
00:32:27,664 --> 00:32:29,364
Well, yeah, that's why
I haven't done a test.
685
00:32:29,464 --> 00:32:31,364
I'm not not gonna drink
at my wedding, am I?
686
00:32:31,464 --> 00:32:33,574
But you know you shouldn't drink
whilst you're pregnant, Arch.
687
00:32:33,665 --> 00:32:35,365
Well, I figured a lot don't stick,
do they?
688
00:32:35,465 --> 00:32:38,565
And I reckon if this one can survive
all the shit that I throw at it,
689
00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:42,285
then it really wants to survive
and have a go at life, you know?
690
00:32:42,385 --> 00:32:44,665
Anyway, we're all happy
at the minute.
691
00:33:06,105 --> 00:33:07,925
(WHISPERS) I could drive him
back to the hotel.
692
00:33:08,025 --> 00:33:10,485
-I haven't drunk anything.
-No, he knows where he is here.
693
00:33:10,586 --> 00:33:14,826
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
-Yeah. OK, good.
694
00:33:23,186 --> 00:33:25,746
-Frank...
-No, it's alright. It's alright.
695
00:33:28,626 --> 00:33:31,546
I want you to fuck this bloodline
out of me.
696
00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:41,226
Let's get these bad boys off.
697
00:33:42,746 --> 00:33:44,686
This is fucking sexy
when I take it off.
698
00:33:44,786 --> 00:33:46,686
-I'll bet it is.
-It's fucking sexy.
699
00:33:46,787 --> 00:33:48,407
Come on, then.
700
00:33:48,507 --> 00:33:51,207
-It takes quite a long time.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
701
00:33:51,307 --> 00:33:53,967
-Well, hurry up.
-There it is. Oh!
702
00:33:54,067 --> 00:33:55,607
-Wow.
-Merry Christmas.
703
00:33:55,707 --> 00:33:57,767
-Pretty fucking hot, right?
-Mm-hmm.
704
00:33:57,867 --> 00:34:02,507
Mm-hmm. You just wait.
You just wait. Oh, yeah.
705
00:34:05,627 --> 00:34:07,047
I love your hair.
706
00:34:07,147 --> 00:34:09,047
Oh, well, you're in luck, baby,
707
00:34:09,147 --> 00:34:11,467
'cause there's plenty more
where that came from.
708
00:34:16,827 --> 00:34:19,087
Ah. I thought you loved my hair.
709
00:34:19,187 --> 00:34:21,807
I do love your hair.
I just... I wanna see your face.
710
00:34:21,907 --> 00:34:24,347
(MOANS)
711
00:34:26,908 --> 00:34:29,608
Oh, hello.
Were you bitten by a shark?
712
00:34:29,708 --> 00:34:33,348
-It's a caesarean scar.
-Oh.
713
00:34:35,268 --> 00:34:37,908
What? It was a long time ago.
714
00:34:39,028 --> 00:34:40,768
Oh, God, it's not dead, is it?
715
00:34:40,868 --> 00:34:43,528
What? No.
716
00:34:43,628 --> 00:34:48,008
She's on holiday in Greece. She's 17.
717
00:34:48,108 --> 00:34:49,928
Oh, wow.
718
00:34:50,028 --> 00:34:54,748
This is, uh, like,
my first night out since I was 20.
719
00:34:57,268 --> 00:34:59,348
Welcome back.
720
00:35:03,629 --> 00:35:05,629
Stop.
721
00:35:11,269 --> 00:35:13,269
Oh, fuck.
722
00:35:14,149 --> 00:35:16,309
(DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE)
723
00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:22,209
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-KAREN: Shh! You dirty sod.
724
00:35:22,309 --> 00:35:24,889
-COB: Just... I think it's...
-KAREN: Get off! (LAUGHS)
725
00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:26,689
-KAREN: Phil...
-Did you hear that?
726
00:35:26,789 --> 00:35:28,609
-PHIL: Get up those stairs...
-Did you hear that?
727
00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:30,769
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.
-Oh, my God!
728
00:35:30,869 --> 00:35:32,329
(KAREN GIGGLES)
729
00:35:32,429 --> 00:35:34,529
(HEAD BANGS)
730
00:35:34,629 --> 00:35:36,629
Just...
731
00:35:40,070 --> 00:35:42,210
No, no, no, no. Oh, my God.
732
00:35:42,310 --> 00:35:45,730
It's Mum and Dad.
It's fucking Mum and Dad.
733
00:35:45,830 --> 00:35:47,830
It's not ideal.
734
00:35:54,590 --> 00:35:58,550
-I think we broke your mum's sink.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
735
00:36:00,350 --> 00:36:02,730
Yeah, you set off, then,
you, alright?
736
00:36:02,830 --> 00:36:05,250
Mum, I'm gonna transfer
15 grand to Dad,
737
00:36:05,350 --> 00:36:07,810
so just make sure Archie gets
that full 15, yeah?
738
00:36:07,910 --> 00:36:10,210
-Yeah, I heard you.
-Yeah, but how are you gonna do that?
739
00:36:10,310 --> 00:36:12,130
I don't know.
I'll look at the bank, won't I?
740
00:36:12,230 --> 00:36:13,930
But you don't have access
to Archie's bank account.
741
00:36:14,031 --> 00:36:15,531
Just ask her how much Dad gives her
742
00:36:15,631 --> 00:36:17,491
and make sure it's the full 15, yeah?
743
00:36:17,591 --> 00:36:19,651
-Yes?
-Yeah. Alright, alright.
744
00:36:19,751 --> 00:36:22,651
It's a bit early. Go on. Go on.
Off you go before it gets busy.
745
00:36:22,751 --> 00:36:25,451
PHIL: Karen, make us a tea, love.
746
00:36:25,551 --> 00:36:28,351
Everyone had to stop over
last night. Bloody madhouse.
747
00:36:30,431 --> 00:36:32,691
Alright, I'll see you later.
See you. 'Bye.
748
00:36:32,791 --> 00:36:34,991
Ta-ra, love. Off you go.
749
00:36:35,991 --> 00:36:38,231
(BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)
750
00:36:40,591 --> 00:36:42,731
(MAN SINGS) ♪ Sonny got a job
and Jean left home
751
00:36:42,831 --> 00:36:44,131
♪ Jackie took a chance... ♪
752
00:36:44,231 --> 00:36:45,291
NAOMI: Hello, Pickles.
753
00:36:45,391 --> 00:36:48,091
Can I bum a ciggie before we go
get fingered in the railway arches?
754
00:36:48,191 --> 00:36:50,691
I think we should stop talking
like that in front of him, OK?
755
00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:52,492
I'm worried that
he's absorbing stuff all the time
756
00:36:52,592 --> 00:36:54,592
like a big sanitary towel
full of my gross...
757
00:36:55,592 --> 00:36:56,492
Bleugh.
758
00:36:56,592 --> 00:36:58,692
You mean stuff like that?
759
00:36:58,792 --> 00:37:01,512
I need you to get me something
from the chemist.
760
00:37:02,752 --> 00:37:05,372
The morning after pill.
(CLEARS THROAT)
761
00:37:05,472 --> 00:37:07,472
Slag.
762
00:37:09,152 --> 00:37:11,152
Come on.
763
00:37:13,712 --> 00:37:18,692
♪ I'll say this
I miss you more every day
764
00:37:18,792 --> 00:37:23,652
♪ Daylight, it leads me back your way
765
00:37:23,752 --> 00:37:28,212
♪ Falling into my mind again
766
00:37:28,313 --> 00:37:33,553
♪ I'll say this
I miss you more, my friend
767
00:37:37,673 --> 00:37:40,053
♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home
768
00:37:40,153 --> 00:37:42,453
♪ Jackie took a chance
and went in alone
769
00:37:42,553 --> 00:37:45,633
♪ And I can feel the road
under my feet
770
00:37:47,433 --> 00:37:49,693
♪ Years flew by in the pouring rain
771
00:37:49,793 --> 00:37:52,053
♪ And I can hear you calling my name
772
00:37:52,153 --> 00:37:55,233
♪ And I can feel the road
under my feet
773
00:37:56,473 --> 00:38:00,893
♪ Wake me up when the morning comes
774
00:38:00,993 --> 00:38:06,873
♪ Wake me up and watch me run... ♪
775
00:38:10,434 --> 00:38:12,414
I really want to be in a musical.
776
00:38:12,514 --> 00:38:14,814
I think they'll offer, you know.
777
00:38:14,914 --> 00:38:17,254
No, I mean all the time.
778
00:38:17,354 --> 00:38:20,654
♪ It leads me back your way... ♪
779
00:38:20,754 --> 00:38:22,914
I know. S-S-Sorry.
780
00:38:24,954 --> 00:38:26,614
Alright. (GRUNTS)
781
00:38:26,714 --> 00:38:31,194
♪ I miss you, my old friend
782
00:38:34,714 --> 00:38:37,134
♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home
783
00:38:37,234 --> 00:38:39,794
♪ Jackie took a chance
and went in alone... ♪
784
00:38:44,515 --> 00:38:45,535
♪ Years flew by
785
00:38:45,635 --> 00:38:46,815
♪ In the pouring rain
786
00:38:46,915 --> 00:38:49,315
♪ And I can hear you
calling my name... ♪
787
00:38:53,795 --> 00:38:55,615
♪ Wake me up
788
00:38:55,715 --> 00:38:57,755
♪ When the morning comes... ♪
61570
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