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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,212 --> 00:00:02,712 (CLEARS THROAT) 2 00:00:02,812 --> 00:00:06,112 Can we get a snatch of a song, just to see if you can hold a note? 3 00:00:06,212 --> 00:00:09,032 I know it seems daft to ask you, but, you know... 4 00:00:09,132 --> 00:00:10,512 No, it's...it's fine. 5 00:00:10,612 --> 00:00:13,272 It was all autotuned back then, 6 00:00:13,372 --> 00:00:17,192 so just really, really lower your expectations. 7 00:00:17,292 --> 00:00:19,352 (BOTH LAUGH) 8 00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:21,452 WOMAN: OK. 9 00:00:23,292 --> 00:00:26,112 (SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago 10 00:00:26,212 --> 00:00:28,392 ♪ I can still remember 11 00:00:28,492 --> 00:00:31,512 ♪ How that music used to make me... ♪ 12 00:00:31,612 --> 00:00:33,612 Shall I get up? 13 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:39,112 Um... (HUMS) 14 00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:41,913 Sorry. Um... (SQUEALS) 15 00:00:42,013 --> 00:00:45,373 (HUMS) 16 00:00:47,573 --> 00:00:50,633 (SINGS) ♪ February made me shiver 17 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:54,153 ♪ With every paper I'd deliver 18 00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:57,553 ♪ Bad news on the doorstep 19 00:00:57,653 --> 00:01:00,673 ♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪ 20 00:01:00,773 --> 00:01:02,193 That's fine. 21 00:01:02,293 --> 00:01:03,673 -♪ I can't rem... ♪ -OK! 22 00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:04,673 -Oh. -Thanks. 23 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:05,753 -Really? -MAN: Yes. 24 00:01:05,853 --> 00:01:08,873 -WOMAN: Lovely. -OK. Thank you. 25 00:01:08,973 --> 00:01:10,793 Suzie, thank you so much for coming today. 26 00:01:10,893 --> 00:01:12,273 -God, are we done? OK. -Thank you. 27 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,673 -Thank you so much. -Thank you! 28 00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,073 Oh, it's so lovely to see you. 29 00:01:15,174 --> 00:01:16,914 BOTH: Nice to see you. Thank you. 30 00:01:17,014 --> 00:01:18,674 -Say goodbye. -Bye-bye, Frank. 31 00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:21,434 -How do you say goodbye? -Um, just as you would normally. 32 00:01:21,534 --> 00:01:23,754 -Oh. 'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye. -'Bye. 33 00:01:23,854 --> 00:01:25,714 'Bye, Frank. Bye-bye. 34 00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:26,754 -Thank you. -'Bye. 35 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:27,994 -OK, 'bye. -'Bye! 36 00:01:28,094 --> 00:01:30,974 (GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC) 37 00:01:35,534 --> 00:01:36,914 Really? 38 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,474 Really? No, YOU were very good. 39 00:01:39,574 --> 00:01:43,434 You were very good. You're Mummy's secret weapon, do you know that? 40 00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:48,054 You bring Mummy luck. You bring Mummy such luck. 41 00:01:51,815 --> 00:01:54,815 (SOMBRE ARPEGGIO) 42 00:01:58,815 --> 00:02:00,815 (OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE) 43 00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:05,335 Look. Swimming pool. 44 00:02:09,695 --> 00:02:11,235 Yeah. 45 00:02:11,335 --> 00:02:14,115 Yeah, but where you are now at school, 46 00:02:14,215 --> 00:02:16,395 you have lots of friends, don't you? 47 00:02:16,495 --> 00:02:18,515 You're special there, 48 00:02:18,615 --> 00:02:23,855 so would you rather be special or fit in? 49 00:02:26,135 --> 00:02:28,535 Yeah. I hear you. 50 00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:32,796 (TABLET RINGS) 51 00:02:32,896 --> 00:02:34,896 (GASPS) Oh, look, it's Dad. 52 00:02:37,976 --> 00:02:39,756 -Hey. -COB: Hey! 53 00:02:39,856 --> 00:02:42,316 -How's the study trip? -I thought you were asleep. 54 00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:46,036 -Are you still awake? -Are you still in Paris? 55 00:02:46,136 --> 00:02:47,836 I thought you'd be on the train by now. 56 00:02:47,936 --> 00:02:49,916 Yeah, we actually... We actually missed the last train. 57 00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:50,916 We missed the Eurostar, 58 00:02:51,016 --> 00:02:52,796 so the students are looking at somewhere to stay. 59 00:02:52,896 --> 00:02:54,356 -Valerie's on it. -VALERIE: I'm on it! 60 00:02:54,456 --> 00:02:56,396 -She's on it. -Right. 61 00:02:56,496 --> 00:02:58,236 VALERIE: This one here. Four stars... 62 00:02:58,336 --> 00:03:00,076 So, what about tomorrow? 63 00:03:00,176 --> 00:03:03,916 I mean, don't... You...you don't have to come if you... It's fine. 64 00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:05,916 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll come straight there. 65 00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:08,597 I'll get the first train and I'll, um... I'll come straight there. 66 00:03:08,697 --> 00:03:10,517 -Fuck! Shit! -(LAUGHTER) 67 00:03:10,617 --> 00:03:13,317 My God, I nearly just walked into one of those French piss things. 68 00:03:13,417 --> 00:03:14,917 -What are these called? -VALERIE: I don't know. 69 00:03:15,017 --> 00:03:17,757 -Pisseur. Viva la pisseur! -VALERIE: Viva la pisseur! 70 00:03:17,857 --> 00:03:19,857 Oh. 71 00:03:22,017 --> 00:03:24,017 Crazy. 72 00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:29,137 (THEME MUSIC) 73 00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:32,577 (GLASS SMASHES) 74 00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:37,477 Uh, these hierarchies are all fucked up, 75 00:03:37,577 --> 00:03:39,117 Mr Sitting in the Front. 76 00:03:39,217 --> 00:03:42,317 Oh, I can feel the hair on my back stand up as we cross the border. 77 00:03:42,418 --> 00:03:43,878 -Your back? -Yeah, I'm covered in hair. 78 00:03:43,978 --> 00:03:48,518 You know that. Why are you so relaxed? Is Cob not coming? 79 00:03:48,618 --> 00:03:50,718 -Oh, my God, is that why I'm here? -No, he was. 80 00:03:50,818 --> 00:03:52,518 He's stuck in Paris with his students. 81 00:03:52,618 --> 00:03:54,958 I sort of hope he doesn't, for his sake. 82 00:03:55,058 --> 00:03:56,918 Have your family seen the photos? 83 00:03:57,018 --> 00:03:58,678 -Poor Cob. -Poor Cob. 84 00:03:58,778 --> 00:04:00,078 My family don't mind a slag, 85 00:04:00,178 --> 00:04:02,718 but you don't wanna be married to one, do you know what I mean? 86 00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,958 -God, I hate going home. -Oh, Jesus Christ. 87 00:04:05,058 --> 00:04:06,758 -Embrace yourself. -Nah. 88 00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:09,558 That is why I'm, like, totally sold on having a kid on my own. 89 00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,558 Like, burn this trad shit down. 90 00:04:11,658 --> 00:04:13,638 Well, there'll be lots of free spunk at this. 91 00:04:13,738 --> 00:04:15,758 My dad's side are irresponsibly fertile. 92 00:04:15,858 --> 00:04:17,718 -Oh. (GAGS) -(LAUGHS) 93 00:04:17,818 --> 00:04:20,198 God, how's your mum going to cope with your dad being there? 94 00:04:20,299 --> 00:04:22,299 (GROANS) 95 00:04:23,099 --> 00:04:24,999 Oh, did you hear back from the musical? 96 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,799 -No. -No. 97 00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:28,979 Mm-mm. 98 00:04:30,699 --> 00:04:32,079 -NAOMI: Oh. -(ENGINE STALLS) 99 00:04:32,179 --> 00:04:34,939 -NAOMI: Oh, Jesus. -Alright, here we are. 100 00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:38,819 (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) 101 00:04:39,939 --> 00:04:41,939 Come on, then, darling. Let's go. 102 00:04:47,139 --> 00:04:50,039 Oh, God. Bloody all these bloody people. 103 00:04:50,139 --> 00:04:52,079 -Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum. -Hey, Mrs P. 104 00:04:52,179 --> 00:04:53,759 Oh, hello, love. 105 00:04:53,859 --> 00:04:56,119 Hey. I've been praying for you. 106 00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:59,360 Come here. Come here. Ooh, little fella! 107 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:02,080 Jeez, haven't you got him one of them cochlear things yet? 108 00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:04,240 -He doesn't want one. -Well, he's seven. 109 00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:05,720 How does he fucking know? 110 00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:07,440 Have you not seen the videos? They're heartbreaking. 111 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,840 It doesn't work like that for everyone. He's not a good candidate. 112 00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:12,320 No, no, no. No, they even do it with dogs now. 113 00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:16,240 And there's one hearing his owner for the first time and his little tail. 114 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,760 Oh, it's marvellous, yeah. Come in, sweetheart. 115 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:21,160 -Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi. -So do you! 116 00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:23,520 -Ah! -MAN: Here she comes! First born. 117 00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:25,120 SUZIE: Hello, Jon. 118 00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:28,440 I didn't recognise you without a penis nearby. 119 00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:29,920 -MAN: Whey-hey! -WOMAN: Jon, don't start. 120 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:32,880 -MAN: There is a penis nearby. -WOMAN: It's you, Jon! 121 00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:34,801 Ow. Has he gone outside? 122 00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,641 JON: Give me the, um... Pass me the thing. 123 00:05:36,741 --> 00:05:39,441 -What are you after now? -Is this what we're using? 124 00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:42,241 Excuse me. I'll get you a drink in a minute. 125 00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:45,301 NAOMI: Mm, look at this spread. Well done, Karen. 126 00:05:46,341 --> 00:05:47,721 -(SHOUTS) Nah-nah! -(SCREAMS) 127 00:05:47,821 --> 00:05:50,201 -What are you doing?! -Now I recognise you. (LAUGHS) 128 00:05:50,301 --> 00:05:51,201 Yeah, yeah. 129 00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:52,681 Bit light for you, though, Suzie girl. 130 00:05:52,781 --> 00:05:54,481 SUZIE: Was that worth it? Was it worth it? 131 00:05:54,581 --> 00:05:56,481 -(LAUGHTER) -Bloody hell. 132 00:05:56,581 --> 00:05:59,161 Dad, can I have a fag whilst he's out? 133 00:05:59,261 --> 00:06:00,641 Give us a light. 134 00:06:00,741 --> 00:06:03,401 Has he left you, then, out of embarrassment? 135 00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,161 -NAOMI: Oh, Jesus... -Don't worry. It's alright. 136 00:06:05,261 --> 00:06:06,601 -KAREN: Here you go. -Thank you. 137 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:09,361 JON: Made my eyes water and I only saw the blurry ones. 138 00:06:09,462 --> 00:06:11,722 -(SHANE SINGS) -Alright, Shane? 139 00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:13,962 -Yeah, you alright, Suz? -Mum, where should we get changed? 140 00:06:14,062 --> 00:06:16,362 -Shall we just go upstairs? -What's that? I can't hear. 141 00:06:16,462 --> 00:06:19,022 -What did you say? -I said, "Where are we changing?" 142 00:06:20,022 --> 00:06:22,442 Nah, Suz, you sound like you've got something in your mouth. 143 00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,322 -(MUTTERS) -(BOTH LAUGH) 144 00:06:24,422 --> 00:06:27,322 Phil, don't do that when Cob's here. 145 00:06:27,422 --> 00:06:29,442 Don't 'Phil' me in my own house. 146 00:06:29,542 --> 00:06:31,542 Literally not your house. 147 00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:34,562 Yeah, but you can't go upstairs, can you, sweetheart, 148 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,842 'cause, um, your sister's up there, isn't she? 149 00:06:36,942 --> 00:06:38,922 WOMAN: No, not her. It's him. He can't go upstairs. 150 00:06:39,022 --> 00:06:40,122 NAOMI: Starting early. 151 00:06:40,222 --> 00:06:41,202 -Alright, Suz? -Oh, hi. 152 00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:42,382 -NAOMI: Alright, Danielle? -DANIELLE: Alright. 153 00:06:42,462 --> 00:06:45,162 I can't think straight. Um, what are you all doing sat in the kitchen? 154 00:06:45,262 --> 00:06:47,842 Go on, sod off, all of you. 155 00:06:47,943 --> 00:06:49,323 PHIL: Harpy! 156 00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:51,523 (ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) 157 00:06:51,623 --> 00:06:53,283 DANIELLE: 'Ere, you know what I wanna know? 158 00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,683 -KAREN: I'm trying to cook! -How many famous people you met? 159 00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:59,643 Well, I work with famous people every day, so literally all the time. 160 00:06:59,743 --> 00:07:02,643 No, not you. Suz. How many famous people you met? 161 00:07:02,743 --> 00:07:04,123 -Name them. -Oh, I've met loads. 162 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,323 I've met Louis Theroux, I've met... 163 00:07:06,423 --> 00:07:09,123 -Louis who? Who? Who? -Louis Theroux. You know who that is? 164 00:07:09,223 --> 00:07:10,363 -No. -Oh, my God. 165 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,763 -Next. Who else? -What? Well, I've met loads. 166 00:07:12,863 --> 00:07:14,963 Like, what, do you want me to just list famous people? 167 00:07:15,063 --> 00:07:16,123 DANIELLE: Yes. 168 00:07:16,223 --> 00:07:17,883 What's going on with all this naked stuff? 169 00:07:17,983 --> 00:07:19,683 -I mean, I'd feel terrible. -Straight in. 170 00:07:19,783 --> 00:07:22,763 I'd feel awful. I would feel so awful. Did you sell it or something? 171 00:07:22,864 --> 00:07:24,084 What?! No! 172 00:07:24,184 --> 00:07:25,884 Nah, it's an awful angle for anyone. 173 00:07:25,984 --> 00:07:28,444 -I'd have deleted it. -I did delete it. 174 00:07:28,544 --> 00:07:30,804 They store recently deleted stuff too now. 175 00:07:30,904 --> 00:07:32,964 Oh, I'm gonna be really rude. Gonna be really rude right now. 176 00:07:33,064 --> 00:07:35,804 Do you know when you go on top? You know when you go on top, right? 177 00:07:35,904 --> 00:07:38,804 You know what I'm talking about. Right, when you lean... 178 00:07:38,904 --> 00:07:40,284 When you lean over, 179 00:07:40,384 --> 00:07:42,804 you wanna get a mirror and check what they are seeing. 180 00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,324 I've got udders. 181 00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:47,124 And I go to BODYPUMP twice a week, do you know what I mean? 182 00:07:47,224 --> 00:07:49,924 -Where's your boyfriend, Naomi? -KAREN: Oh, no, no, no. 183 00:07:50,024 --> 00:07:52,004 -NAOMI: Where's my boyfriend? -Do you remember? She's not, um... 184 00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:54,364 -She's... -No, no. Well, I'm actually 50-50. 185 00:07:54,464 --> 00:07:55,444 She's into women. 186 00:07:55,544 --> 00:07:58,804 Oh, mate, I would... (GAGS) ..at a fanny. 187 00:07:58,904 --> 00:08:00,574 Don't you wax them every day at work? 188 00:08:00,665 --> 00:08:03,045 Yes. I get paid to do that. I'm not nose-deep in it. 189 00:08:03,145 --> 00:08:06,445 60-40. 60-40 men now, talking to you. 190 00:08:06,545 --> 00:08:08,685 DANIELLE: One time, during a massage, I was so hungover, 191 00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:11,365 I vommed all over her lower back. 192 00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:12,685 70-30. 193 00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,565 That's my limit. That area, it's a no-go, mate. 194 00:08:15,665 --> 00:08:17,285 Strictly dickly, me. 195 00:08:17,385 --> 00:08:19,965 Alright, Danielle, I wouldn't do you either, so chill out. 196 00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,485 -Oh, charming! (LAUGHS) -KAREN: Shane! 197 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,125 Shane's...Shane's cousin's here, isn't she? 198 00:08:24,225 --> 00:08:26,365 -Oh, yes! -She plays netball for Kent. 199 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:27,365 She's gay! 200 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:31,605 Actually, Naomi's in the market for a bit of spunk, if there's any going. 201 00:08:31,705 --> 00:08:35,245 Didn't Cob want to have more kids and then you didn't? 202 00:08:35,345 --> 00:08:37,845 Oh, my God. That's not true, is it? 203 00:08:37,946 --> 00:08:39,126 -Oh, Mum... -NAOMI: It is true. 204 00:08:39,226 --> 00:08:41,206 Well, there's a solution. You can have her old fella. 205 00:08:41,306 --> 00:08:44,006 -Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. -I think even I might have a line. 206 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,286 -Fill your boots. -(WOMAN LAUGHS) 207 00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:48,166 -Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum? -KAREN: Oh, yeah! 208 00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:49,966 DANIELLE: Cheers to that. To the strictly dickly crew. 209 00:08:50,066 --> 00:08:51,646 Alright? 210 00:08:51,746 --> 00:08:53,486 -Alright? -Alright? 211 00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:55,586 Oh, babe! 212 00:08:57,586 --> 00:08:59,966 Alright, Grinny? This is mad, isn't it? 213 00:09:00,066 --> 00:09:01,166 Look at you. Look at you. 214 00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,326 So crazy, 'cause you're eight still, aren't you? 215 00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:05,886 -How are you? What the fuck? -Don't. How am I? 216 00:09:05,986 --> 00:09:08,606 How are you? You've got a lot of make-up on. 217 00:09:08,706 --> 00:09:10,326 No, this is normal. 218 00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:13,286 Right. I've brought the magic showbiz box. 219 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:16,327 So, have you got any words of wisdom for your sister? 220 00:09:16,427 --> 00:09:17,607 You've done it enough times. 221 00:09:17,707 --> 00:09:19,927 Well, it's a sign I'm not very good at it, Grin. 222 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,447 (WHISPERS) Can't say that. 223 00:09:21,547 --> 00:09:24,087 I'll bet this dress makes you want to be sick. 224 00:09:24,187 --> 00:09:25,087 No. 225 00:09:25,187 --> 00:09:26,567 Your father's doing me bloody head in. 226 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,767 It's good. It's looking quite creased on there. 227 00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:31,207 Oh, you look like a model. 228 00:09:31,307 --> 00:09:33,847 Look at you. She's gorgeous, isn't she? (CHUCKLES) 229 00:09:33,947 --> 00:09:35,327 This is actually really good. 230 00:09:35,427 --> 00:09:37,847 -KAREN: Give us a fag. -Oh, blimey, what are you doing? 231 00:09:37,947 --> 00:09:39,847 Mum, what are you doing? You're sat on the dress. 232 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,447 -Bloody hell. Keep your hair on. -You're just going to crease it all! 233 00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:44,287 You're just smoking next to it. It'll go up. 234 00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,647 -It's creased anyway. Jesus. -GRINNY: What are you like? 235 00:09:46,747 --> 00:09:48,247 -Hey, Ferd. -Alright. 236 00:09:48,347 --> 00:09:50,527 Alright, Shane? Budge up. 237 00:09:50,628 --> 00:09:53,328 (COMMENTATOR SPEAKS ON TV) 238 00:09:53,428 --> 00:09:57,388 JON: Thing is, that centre forward, I've seen milk turn faster. 239 00:09:58,508 --> 00:10:01,208 -Size of his arse. -PHIL: Size of YOUR arse. 240 00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:05,288 -(LAUGHS) -JON: He ain't fit. Look. Look. 241 00:10:05,388 --> 00:10:07,648 GRINNY: Karen says you've done a porno. 242 00:10:07,748 --> 00:10:10,088 No, I didn't. I-I didn't. 243 00:10:10,188 --> 00:10:12,248 Who's the bloke in it? I bet you shat yourself. 244 00:10:12,348 --> 00:10:14,768 -No, it doesn't matter. -GRINNY: It's all them Kardashians. 245 00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:16,328 KAREN: Just worried about you. 246 00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:19,648 A married woman doesn't need to do all that stuff. 247 00:10:19,748 --> 00:10:22,628 Look, honestly, when I think about what's on my phone... 248 00:10:23,788 --> 00:10:26,908 -(KNOCK ON DOOR) -DANIELLE: Suz! Your husband's here! 249 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,029 OK, off. 250 00:10:31,509 --> 00:10:35,169 COB: Bonjour! I hear a television. It must be a wedding day. 251 00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,169 COMMENTATOR: I wonder what Marco Silva would do about this 252 00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,449 with Liverpool pegging his team back... 253 00:10:38,549 --> 00:10:40,729 Oh, here he is. Sound of the devil. 254 00:10:40,829 --> 00:10:43,729 OK. Shane, congrats. 255 00:10:43,829 --> 00:10:47,449 I see you're enjoying your last free moments there. Quite right. 256 00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:49,209 Take a pew. Liverpool scored. 257 00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:51,209 Utterly convinced, aren't you, if you keep telling me things, 258 00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:52,689 eventually I'm gonna care. 259 00:10:52,789 --> 00:10:54,789 Hello, Phil. 260 00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:57,889 Not even a joke about my wife in those photos? 261 00:10:57,989 --> 00:10:59,689 No? I thought that'd be right up your street. 262 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:02,409 -Feel free to shout, "Cuckold." -That's my daughter. 263 00:11:02,509 --> 00:11:04,369 Well, indeed. Yes, it is. Yeah. 264 00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,090 Not gonna allude to me being unable to satisfy her? 265 00:11:07,190 --> 00:11:08,810 I expected a bit more badinage, mate. 266 00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:11,450 -What's a cuckold again? -(LAUGHS) You'll find out. 267 00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:13,250 -(MEN CHUCKLE) -Porn thing. 268 00:11:13,350 --> 00:11:15,690 -When a black guy does it. -OK. 269 00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:17,730 FERD: Fucking... Shane, will you move?! 270 00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,170 Well, I'm gonna let Naomi deal with that...that bombshell. 271 00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:24,170 I can see it's sending her into an intersectional feminist frenzy. 272 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:26,290 COB: Good stuff. 273 00:11:26,390 --> 00:11:28,890 COMMENTATOR: ..in no-man's land. It's Firmino! 274 00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:30,410 (MEN CHEER) 275 00:11:30,510 --> 00:11:33,050 Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. Don't mind me. 276 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,650 KAREN: Oh! 277 00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:36,290 -COB: Hiya. -KAREN: Hiya, Cob. 278 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,730 Hey, love. Sorry about the Eurostar. Sounds like a nightmare. 279 00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:43,090 Naughty, aren't you, coming into the secret chamber? 280 00:11:43,191 --> 00:11:45,191 -I know. -Hello, B-law. 281 00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:46,571 Vision. 282 00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:48,571 Do you know, I always forget how tall you are. 283 00:11:48,671 --> 00:11:51,051 -How tall is he? -He must be 6'2" if he's a day. 284 00:11:51,151 --> 00:11:52,971 -He's 6'. -(LISPS) 6'2" in my heels. 285 00:11:53,071 --> 00:11:56,451 GRINNY: I wouldn't let him out of your sight if I were you, Suzie. 286 00:11:56,551 --> 00:11:58,651 Sorry, they said this was the best place to get changed. 287 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,411 I think Shane's using the loo. Ooh! 288 00:12:01,511 --> 00:12:06,411 It's good luck! They say, "The looser the bowels, the truer the vows." 289 00:12:06,511 --> 00:12:08,891 Do you want us to... Should we leave while you get changed? 290 00:12:08,991 --> 00:12:11,211 No, no, no, Mum. This is the bride's getting-ready space. 291 00:12:11,311 --> 00:12:12,691 COB: It's fine. It's just a... 292 00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,491 It's a late hen party for you all, isn't it? 293 00:12:14,591 --> 00:12:16,851 (WOMEN LAUGH) 294 00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:20,132 -Suz, you went up for a musical? -Yeah. 295 00:12:20,232 --> 00:12:21,452 Yeah, I just thought, you know, 296 00:12:21,552 --> 00:12:25,012 maybe less getting murdered and raped and zombied all the time, you know. 297 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,572 Maybe just a bit more tap dancing. 298 00:12:26,672 --> 00:12:29,612 -Oh, are you gonna do a musical? -Yeah, I mean, it's just an audition. 299 00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:31,252 But it's actually... It's a new musical. 300 00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:34,852 It's pretty vibe-y. It's called 'A Party for Monica Lewinsky'. 301 00:12:34,952 --> 00:12:38,332 Right. And who would you be playing? 302 00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:42,012 I've always wanted to be in a chorus line. It's, like, my absolute dream. 303 00:12:42,112 --> 00:12:44,692 Why, even in, like, your wildest fantasies, 304 00:12:44,792 --> 00:12:46,852 are you just a faceless chorus member? 305 00:12:46,952 --> 00:12:50,012 I mean, it's...it's your dream, Mum. You could literally star. 306 00:12:50,112 --> 00:12:52,772 Sorry, you're gonna get away from everything that happened recently 307 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,872 by playing Monica Lewinsky? 308 00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:58,033 Can you even sing? 309 00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:01,293 Yeah, I was a professional pop star. 310 00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:03,433 COB: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 311 00:13:04,713 --> 00:13:06,873 OK. Um... 312 00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:11,613 Have you got a bag for these? Don't want to ruin the line. 313 00:13:11,713 --> 00:13:14,213 Yeah, I'll put it my bag. 314 00:13:14,313 --> 00:13:15,893 Merci beaucoup. 315 00:13:15,993 --> 00:13:19,633 I'm just gonna check if Shane's out of the toilet. 316 00:13:21,393 --> 00:13:24,333 -KAREN: Have you been training? -You're goddamn right, I have been. 317 00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:26,253 -Have some of this. -GRINNY: Nice hairy chest. 318 00:13:26,353 --> 00:13:28,253 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 319 00:13:28,353 --> 00:13:30,653 COB: I don't mind my hairy chest. I trimmed it, actually. 320 00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:33,654 That's a trim. (LAUGHS) 321 00:13:33,754 --> 00:13:36,194 (MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL CHATTER) 322 00:13:45,154 --> 00:13:46,534 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) 323 00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:49,414 Uh, news - the musical wanna take you up to a dance audition. 324 00:13:49,514 --> 00:13:50,894 It's pretty much what you've done before 325 00:13:50,994 --> 00:13:52,174 but the choreographer's only in today. 326 00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:54,134 -Can you do it over Skype? -What, today, like, now? 327 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,894 Yeah. I said the only time you're free is now. 328 00:13:55,994 --> 00:13:57,374 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's...let's do it. 329 00:13:57,474 --> 00:13:59,174 But don't tell Arch. I don't wanna pull focus. 330 00:13:59,274 --> 00:14:01,254 No. Let's go. 331 00:14:01,354 --> 00:14:02,574 Can I just put it over here? 332 00:14:02,674 --> 00:14:04,374 -Can you see me? -MAN: That's good. I can see you. 333 00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:08,064 I just need you to copy what I'm doing, OK? Keeping it really basic. 334 00:14:08,155 --> 00:14:10,175 Um, I mean, alright. 335 00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:12,535 As long as you can hear me talk to the beat. 336 00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,055 Just going to be like this, OK? 337 00:14:14,155 --> 00:14:17,655 OK, I've been sent to do the face. Lucky you. 338 00:14:17,755 --> 00:14:19,735 -That's nice of you, Naomi. -Yeah. 339 00:14:19,835 --> 00:14:22,055 Sit down, Arch. Let's have a look. 340 00:14:22,155 --> 00:14:24,375 Uh, should we start with the eyes or...? 341 00:14:24,475 --> 00:14:28,375 Yeah. We were thinking about Cleopatra eyeliner. 342 00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:30,335 -Just straight and neat. -Yeah? Like a flick? 343 00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:31,455 -Yeah. -Sure. OK. 344 00:14:31,555 --> 00:14:33,775 -Neat. -Yeah, neat. Sure. 345 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:35,695 Um... 346 00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:39,215 Uh, well, 'cause I'm used to doing my own, 347 00:14:39,315 --> 00:14:42,615 if I just start here in the corner and work across... 348 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,935 Nah. Nah, no offence. 349 00:14:45,036 --> 00:14:47,456 -What? -You're not equipped. 350 00:14:47,556 --> 00:14:49,656 -Mum, look at that. -Oh, fuck. 351 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,176 Oh, you need to smudge it. 352 00:14:52,276 --> 00:14:53,936 -Smudge it. -Smudge it. 353 00:14:54,036 --> 00:14:56,156 On her wedding day. Fuckin' hell. 354 00:14:57,836 --> 00:14:59,456 Well, now I've lost confidence. 355 00:14:59,556 --> 00:15:03,936 MAN: ..five, six and seven, eight. And one... 356 00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:06,136 -..three and four. -One, two, three, four... 357 00:15:06,236 --> 00:15:08,236 No, no, no, no. 358 00:15:09,596 --> 00:15:11,336 -You've got to go in. -MAN: With me, Suzie. 359 00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:13,856 -OK, take it from the top. -Sorry. Start again. OK. 360 00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,336 And a one... 361 00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:18,616 -One, two, three, four, five, six. -Change. 362 00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:21,336 Seven and a one, two, three... 363 00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:24,217 Phil, come on. Come on! Come on! 364 00:15:24,317 --> 00:15:26,257 (LAUGHTER) 365 00:15:26,357 --> 00:15:28,497 (PHIL SINGS) ♪ If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum 366 00:15:28,597 --> 00:15:31,377 ♪ With a lump of celery Celery! ♪ 367 00:15:31,477 --> 00:15:33,897 -Wahey! -No, go away! 368 00:15:33,997 --> 00:15:36,217 -SUZIE: I'm doing my tape! -What's going on out there, then? 369 00:15:36,317 --> 00:15:38,657 -Don't film me! What are you doing? -Why not? They're gonna love it! 370 00:15:38,757 --> 00:15:42,117 -I'm so sorry. -(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) 371 00:15:43,117 --> 00:15:46,377 -Mum, he looked right at me! -Sorry, I'm at my sister's wedding. 372 00:15:46,477 --> 00:15:48,177 You stupid bastard, Shane. You're not supposed to look! 373 00:15:48,277 --> 00:15:49,857 I didn't see anything. Arch, I didn't see ya! 374 00:15:49,957 --> 00:15:53,857 Oh, it doesn't matter! OK, I'm gonna have to call you back. 375 00:15:53,957 --> 00:15:55,577 You've probably fucked it with your eyes now! 376 00:15:55,677 --> 00:15:57,057 Fuck off. I didn't see anything! Arch! 377 00:15:57,157 --> 00:16:00,057 -Smash a mirror and cancel it out. -It doesn't work like that, Mum. 378 00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:02,658 -SUZIE: ..get that job. -(LAUGHTER) 379 00:16:02,758 --> 00:16:04,178 Five, six, seven... 380 00:16:04,278 --> 00:16:06,058 She can't control who comes into the garden. 381 00:16:06,158 --> 00:16:08,578 Whatever. It's fine. Just don't bring this energy into the minivan. 382 00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:10,058 I just don't want you remembering this 383 00:16:10,158 --> 00:16:11,658 as Suzie making it all about her. 384 00:16:11,758 --> 00:16:13,658 We'll finish the make-up en route. 385 00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:15,758 (CAR ENGINE STARTS) 386 00:16:17,918 --> 00:16:21,118 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) 387 00:16:26,158 --> 00:16:28,158 (FLY BUZZES) 388 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:34,758 ('BRIDAL CHORUS' BY RICHARD WAGNER PLAYS) 389 00:16:43,199 --> 00:16:46,099 Why is it only married people that cry at weddings? 390 00:16:46,199 --> 00:16:48,499 KAREN: Oh, God. (SNIFFS) 391 00:16:48,599 --> 00:16:50,579 Apparently, I haven't got anywhere to sit 392 00:16:50,679 --> 00:16:52,419 because I'm not supposed to be here. 393 00:16:52,519 --> 00:16:54,179 -Result. -Oh, you are supposed to be here. 394 00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,539 You can't just say that and it's true. It's fine. 395 00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:58,539 (KAREN GROANS) 396 00:16:58,639 --> 00:17:00,639 (BLOWS NOSE, GRUNTS) 397 00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:08,499 Ooh. 398 00:17:08,599 --> 00:17:10,599 (DOOR CLOSES) 399 00:17:11,159 --> 00:17:15,979 By the way, your dad's in a bit of state about everything. 400 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,140 And he wants me to ask you something. 401 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,460 What? 402 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,020 Alright, you're not allowed to get angry with me, alright? 403 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,220 Oh, no, here we go. 404 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,820 No, listen, I don't know anything about this, 405 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,300 but your dad's gonna do a chat with one of the men from the 'Sun', 406 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,220 just so you know. 407 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,320 What? 408 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,500 It's 30 grand, love. 409 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,100 What...what... what are you talking about? 410 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,260 They just want to talk to him about stuff and your life, you know. 411 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,220 I mean, it's about all of us, all this. 412 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:45,900 And Archie is gonna get 30 grand as a gift for a deposit. 413 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,300 I mean, have you got her a gift? 414 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,620 Yeah, I've got her a gift. I've got her a... 415 00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:53,461 -What? -An air purifier that also cools. 416 00:17:53,561 --> 00:17:57,141 Nice, but this is better. It's a house. 417 00:17:57,241 --> 00:18:00,021 Hang on. Dad's gonna talk to a paper? 418 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:03,221 Yeah, but he's stressed that YOU are gonna get stressed about it. 419 00:18:03,321 --> 00:18:05,101 OK, alright. Alright, Mum. 420 00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:07,421 -Just another day... -It's 30 grand! 421 00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,221 By the way, what the fuck are you doing 422 00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:10,901 relaying messages for your ex-husband? 423 00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:12,781 I don't know. Just... That's all, anyway. 424 00:18:12,881 --> 00:18:14,141 -Yeah. -Right, just don't ask! 425 00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:16,101 Alright, Mum. Fucking hell. 426 00:18:16,201 --> 00:18:19,101 ('JUST A LITTLE' BY LIBERTY X PLAYS) 427 00:18:19,201 --> 00:18:21,901 ♪ Yeah, yeah 428 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,001 ♪ Mm 429 00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,221 ♪ Sexy 430 00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:28,662 ♪ Everything about you... ♪ 431 00:18:28,762 --> 00:18:31,462 Oh. I don't want any more. I just want a bit of cheese. 432 00:18:31,562 --> 00:18:33,382 -That's what you wanted, Dad. -Here, you have it. 433 00:18:33,482 --> 00:18:37,522 Shane, come and meet my cousin. Come on, Shane. Come on. 434 00:18:46,202 --> 00:18:48,482 -Alright? -Alright? 435 00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:55,222 Mum said you're gonna talk to the 'Sun'. 436 00:18:55,322 --> 00:18:58,022 (CLEARS THROAT) Why is she making a thing about it? 437 00:18:58,122 --> 00:19:00,542 What do you even know about it? 438 00:19:00,642 --> 00:19:02,542 I know my daughter's all over the papers. 439 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:05,063 No, I'm not all over the papers. Naomi's seen to that. 440 00:19:05,163 --> 00:19:07,863 They're not allowed to print it. It's illegal. 441 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:10,383 They're doing a piece on the men in your life... 442 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,383 What? 443 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,263 ..which I do have some feelings about, actually, historically. 444 00:19:14,363 --> 00:19:15,903 (LAUGHS) Wow. 445 00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:19,183 Wow. I mean, I-I cannot... 446 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,623 I cannot believe you're gonna try and make money out of this. 447 00:19:22,723 --> 00:19:24,343 I'm not making money out of it. 448 00:19:24,443 --> 00:19:27,743 I'm giving 20 of it to your sister as a wedding present... 449 00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:30,023 -Right. -..as a deposit for a house. 450 00:19:30,123 --> 00:19:31,823 OK, what about the other 10? 451 00:19:31,923 --> 00:19:34,023 -OK, Phil? -Having a good time? 452 00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:36,243 -Yeah, great. -Lovely. Nice to see the family. 453 00:19:37,723 --> 00:19:41,743 It's just words, Suzie. It's mental. They give it to you for words. 454 00:19:41,844 --> 00:19:44,664 I know, Dad. I know. Don't you think they came to me? 455 00:19:44,764 --> 00:19:47,024 Didn't YOU think to come to me? 456 00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:48,824 So, I have to come to you for permission 457 00:19:48,924 --> 00:19:50,104 to talk about my own family? 458 00:19:50,204 --> 00:19:51,824 -Is that the rule now? -Have you already done it? 459 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,464 You're in charge of the family now, are you? 460 00:19:53,564 --> 00:19:55,184 Apparently, Dad, yeah, I am. 461 00:19:55,284 --> 00:19:58,704 All I know is your sister is never gonna be able to buy a house, 462 00:19:58,804 --> 00:20:00,344 and I can't help because... 463 00:20:00,444 --> 00:20:02,264 You pissed away all of your money... 464 00:20:02,364 --> 00:20:06,984 Because of the collapse of the industry I worked in. 465 00:20:07,084 --> 00:20:11,624 What, the fuckin' managing local bands? That industry? 466 00:20:11,724 --> 00:20:14,344 Yeah, do you think the internet doesn't affect live music? 467 00:20:14,444 --> 00:20:16,594 I literally paid off your mortgage. 468 00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:19,225 Yeah, and moved it into your mum's name. 469 00:20:19,325 --> 00:20:21,225 Yeah, because you left the house. 470 00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:23,865 Then I didn't get nothing paid off, did I? 471 00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:26,945 I didn't get nothing. Story of my life. 472 00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:30,465 And now you say I can't say a few words to a bloke on the phone 473 00:20:30,565 --> 00:20:32,945 for a rag that no-one reads? 474 00:20:33,045 --> 00:20:35,465 Controlling. You wanna control me, wanna control my voice. 475 00:20:35,565 --> 00:20:38,025 Well, I'm not gonna be controlled anymore. 476 00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,125 Hmm. 477 00:20:42,845 --> 00:20:44,845 Got it? 478 00:20:53,646 --> 00:20:57,166 Dad's gonna sell a story on me. And you, I suppose. 479 00:21:01,246 --> 00:21:03,906 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) 480 00:21:04,006 --> 00:21:06,626 (PHIL, JON AND COB ARGUE) 481 00:21:06,726 --> 00:21:08,546 They're jackals, Phil. You'd understand that. 482 00:21:08,646 --> 00:21:10,546 -WOMAN: Come sit here. -And it fucked that marriage up. 483 00:21:10,646 --> 00:21:11,546 Stay sensible. 484 00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:13,746 Jude, Naomi. Naomi, Jude. 485 00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:15,826 -Hi. Nice to meet you. -Hi, Jude. 486 00:21:15,926 --> 00:21:18,226 -Jude plays netball. -Yes, I remember. Thank you. 487 00:21:18,326 --> 00:21:20,326 (CHILDREN GIGGLE) 488 00:21:25,406 --> 00:21:27,386 -Want some wine, Jude? -Yes, please. 489 00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:30,486 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 490 00:22:07,728 --> 00:22:10,528 -Do you want this, Ferd? -FERD: No, you have it, darlin'. 491 00:22:12,648 --> 00:22:14,928 -Eugh. -DANIELLE: Alright, you two. 492 00:22:22,728 --> 00:22:24,388 (FEEDBACK SQUEALS) 493 00:22:24,488 --> 00:22:26,488 (MAN CLEARS THROAT) 494 00:22:27,288 --> 00:22:29,628 I'd like to introduce the father of the bride. 495 00:22:29,728 --> 00:22:33,148 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 496 00:22:33,248 --> 00:22:35,248 PHIL: Thank you. 497 00:22:40,248 --> 00:22:41,788 (SINGS) ♪ Regrets... ♪ 498 00:22:41,888 --> 00:22:43,828 (MILD LAUGHTER) 499 00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:46,229 When you have kids, you think, 500 00:22:46,329 --> 00:22:50,069 "Oh, God, I've got to keep them alive. 501 00:22:50,169 --> 00:22:53,309 "I've got to keep these little girls alive." 502 00:22:53,409 --> 00:22:55,669 But then you don't just keep 'em alive. 503 00:22:55,769 --> 00:23:00,309 You've got to keep them happy and safe and warm and fed 504 00:23:00,409 --> 00:23:02,989 and even that's not enough, you know? 505 00:23:03,089 --> 00:23:05,909 -Apparently. -(LAUGHTER) 506 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:09,069 "No, Daddy, you mustn't shout." 507 00:23:09,169 --> 00:23:11,709 You have to say "excuse me" when you burp. 508 00:23:11,809 --> 00:23:14,469 -(LAUGHTER) -JON: Yeah, as if you ever did! 509 00:23:14,569 --> 00:23:17,369 "You shouldn't eat eggs from those battery ones." 510 00:23:18,769 --> 00:23:20,629 I remember Archie saying to me, 511 00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:23,750 "You can't sit on that deckchair, Dad," on the beach, 512 00:23:23,850 --> 00:23:26,110 "'Cause you gotta pay for it." 513 00:23:26,210 --> 00:23:29,070 And I said, "It's alright. They'll come round." 514 00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:31,590 But she was very cross that whole time. 515 00:23:31,690 --> 00:23:33,190 Do you remember, Squidge? 516 00:23:33,290 --> 00:23:35,350 "No, you gotta pay for it, Daddy!" 517 00:23:35,450 --> 00:23:38,870 And I'm from the '60s. "Fuck the deckchair man." 518 00:23:38,970 --> 00:23:42,890 (LAUGHTER) 519 00:23:44,450 --> 00:23:47,830 So I walk all the way down the beach to find the bloke. 520 00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:49,390 Course, when we get back there, 521 00:23:49,490 --> 00:23:51,430 there's these other bastards sat there. 522 00:23:51,530 --> 00:23:56,290 Now, I'm about to lose my absolute... 523 00:23:57,691 --> 00:24:00,471 And there's Archie, beaming. 524 00:24:00,571 --> 00:24:04,391 She said, "They don't even know they're a present, Dad." 525 00:24:04,491 --> 00:24:06,491 GUESTS: Aww! 526 00:24:07,811 --> 00:24:09,511 'Cause that made her day. 527 00:24:09,611 --> 00:24:11,791 (APPLAUSE) 528 00:24:11,891 --> 00:24:13,271 That wasn't... 529 00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:16,911 -What? -That wasn't... That never happened. 530 00:24:17,011 --> 00:24:19,791 -That was me. -Sure. 531 00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:22,591 PHIL: ...makes you a better man, which is what my kids did for me. 532 00:24:22,691 --> 00:24:24,791 So I don't need to think of anything else to say 533 00:24:24,891 --> 00:24:26,871 'cause I'm so happy for you. 534 00:24:26,971 --> 00:24:30,911 And, um, it's good to, and nice to, feel something pure 535 00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:33,591 because there's not a lot that is. 536 00:24:33,692 --> 00:24:38,472 And you gotta remember when something's pure, haven't you? OK. 537 00:24:38,572 --> 00:24:41,572 (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 538 00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:54,352 MAN: Everyone, I'd just like to do a toast to Shane and Archie. 539 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,552 ALL: Shane and Archie. 540 00:24:57,652 --> 00:24:59,672 -Cheers. -Love you. 541 00:24:59,772 --> 00:25:01,772 Cheers, Mum. 542 00:25:04,092 --> 00:25:07,092 THE CLASH: ♪ Down the Casbah way 543 00:25:08,292 --> 00:25:11,832 ♪ As soon as the Shareef was chauffeured outta there 544 00:25:11,933 --> 00:25:15,553 ♪ The jet pilots tuned to the cockpit radio blare 545 00:25:15,653 --> 00:25:19,153 ♪ As soon as the Shareef was outta their hair 546 00:25:19,253 --> 00:25:21,573 ♪ The jet pilots wailed 547 00:25:23,093 --> 00:25:25,293 ♪ The Shareef don't like it 548 00:25:26,813 --> 00:25:30,313 ♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah 549 00:25:30,413 --> 00:25:32,413 ♪ The Shareef don't like it 550 00:25:34,253 --> 00:25:37,793 ♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah 551 00:25:37,893 --> 00:25:41,553 ♪ The Shareef don't like it He thinks it's not kosher 552 00:25:41,653 --> 00:25:45,113 ♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah 553 00:25:45,213 --> 00:25:48,993 ♪ The Shareef don't like it Fundamentally can't take it 554 00:25:49,094 --> 00:25:52,434 ♪ Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah 555 00:25:52,534 --> 00:25:54,674 ♪ The Shareef don't like it... ♪ 556 00:25:54,774 --> 00:25:57,394 (CHEERING) 557 00:25:57,494 --> 00:26:00,494 (POP MUSIC PLAYS) 558 00:26:03,374 --> 00:26:06,514 COB: You guys will probably sleep together tonight. 559 00:26:06,614 --> 00:26:07,994 Your husband's an arsehole. 560 00:26:08,094 --> 00:26:10,074 Why is it OK for you to say that to me? 561 00:26:10,174 --> 00:26:11,874 If I said that to you, you'd all explode. 562 00:26:11,974 --> 00:26:13,194 'Cause it's factually accurate. 563 00:26:13,294 --> 00:26:14,794 I was just saying I find weddings depressing. 564 00:26:14,894 --> 00:26:16,194 No, you were saying they WERE depressing. 565 00:26:16,294 --> 00:26:18,874 -You were claiming it as a fact. -Because it's a fact to me. 566 00:26:18,974 --> 00:26:20,754 No, it's about the amount of hope. 567 00:26:20,854 --> 00:26:23,154 That's the exact opposite of depressing, surely. 568 00:26:23,254 --> 00:26:26,604 You have this woman handed from one man to another man... 569 00:26:26,695 --> 00:26:28,875 Oh, my... You don't mean that. You don't even think that. 570 00:26:28,975 --> 00:26:31,475 You're just quoting from some idea which is just as received and false 571 00:26:31,575 --> 00:26:33,075 as you say marriage is, just to impress... 572 00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,315 -OK, that's fine. -No, no, no. 573 00:26:34,415 --> 00:26:35,995 No, 'cause I could easily play devil's advocate 574 00:26:36,095 --> 00:26:37,475 with the whole who owns what thing. 575 00:26:37,575 --> 00:26:39,155 Ooh, devil's is my favourite kind of advocacy. 576 00:26:39,255 --> 00:26:40,635 -Oh, guys, come on. -Oh, good, OK. 577 00:26:40,735 --> 00:26:43,355 Well, no, man-bash. Sure. That's genius. But just... 578 00:26:43,455 --> 00:26:46,515 OK, say, for example, say men wanna be with a woman, right? 579 00:26:46,615 --> 00:26:48,035 Wanna be in a relationship with a woman. 580 00:26:48,135 --> 00:26:50,835 So women say, "Why should I be? What are you offering me?" 581 00:26:50,935 --> 00:26:52,475 Well, what are you offering her? 582 00:26:52,575 --> 00:26:56,035 So men go out and they kill animals and they build huts 583 00:26:56,135 --> 00:26:58,755 and they build civilisations, they make an empire. 584 00:26:58,855 --> 00:27:01,435 "What about protecting me? What if you're not around?" 585 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:02,836 "OK, yeah, good point." 586 00:27:02,936 --> 00:27:05,276 So he goes out and he makes the police force and the army 587 00:27:05,376 --> 00:27:07,596 and he persuades men to die and go to war. 588 00:27:07,696 --> 00:27:11,036 She says, "But what about nice things? I want nice things." 589 00:27:11,136 --> 00:27:12,676 "Alright, yeah. OK, fair enough." 590 00:27:12,776 --> 00:27:14,476 So he makes the economy and he builds skyscrapers... 591 00:27:14,576 --> 00:27:16,436 Yeah, big fucking dicks in the sky, man. 592 00:27:16,536 --> 00:27:18,996 She says, "Why have you got all that stuff? I want some of that stuff. 593 00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:21,516 "Why do I have to sit in this massive house you built me all day?" 594 00:27:21,616 --> 00:27:23,916 So, men go, "OK, yeah. No, fair enough. I can appreciate that. 595 00:27:24,016 --> 00:27:26,516 "Why don't you come in? Why don't you be part of this thing?" 596 00:27:26,616 --> 00:27:28,236 "I want half of it." "Yeah, OK, fine. 597 00:27:28,336 --> 00:27:29,676 "No, I understand that. Here you go. 598 00:27:29,776 --> 00:27:32,316 "Why don't you come in and be half of this thing? I think you're great." 599 00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:34,076 "Ugh! Stop harassing me! Get the fuck out. 600 00:27:34,176 --> 00:27:36,676 "This is all mine now. Get out." "That's not really on, is it? 601 00:27:36,776 --> 00:27:38,276 "I built all this just to impress you." 602 00:27:38,377 --> 00:27:40,157 "I don't care. Get out. This is all mine now." 603 00:27:40,257 --> 00:27:41,637 Why the fuck should women be with men 604 00:27:41,737 --> 00:27:42,917 if they can't offer them anything? 605 00:27:43,017 --> 00:27:45,037 -What is the point? -That's exactly what I'm saying! 606 00:27:45,137 --> 00:27:47,317 You're agreeing. You're agreeing. 607 00:27:47,417 --> 00:27:49,397 Basically, men built the world so women would fuck them 608 00:27:49,497 --> 00:27:51,437 and then women are like, "Give me this world you've built. 609 00:27:51,537 --> 00:27:53,237 "Oh, and also, we don't wanna fuck you anymore." 610 00:27:53,337 --> 00:27:54,957 -(LAUGHS) -Would be the argument. 611 00:27:55,057 --> 00:27:56,437 OK. 612 00:27:56,537 --> 00:27:59,157 -Are you married? -That's my wife. 613 00:27:59,257 --> 00:28:02,837 -Yeah, we are. Yeah. -I'm just trying to liven things up. 614 00:28:02,937 --> 00:28:04,557 It is actually quite depressing. 615 00:28:04,657 --> 00:28:06,037 -(SUZIE LAUGHS) -Let's dance. 616 00:28:06,137 --> 00:28:08,137 Let's do it. 617 00:28:09,337 --> 00:28:11,797 You're welcome. I'm going for a piss. 618 00:28:11,897 --> 00:28:14,617 Look after my phone, will you? All your family are thieves. 619 00:28:32,258 --> 00:28:34,618 (FEEDBACK SQUEALS) 620 00:28:37,818 --> 00:28:40,138 PHIL: She's made me do this. 621 00:28:41,858 --> 00:28:45,718 (SINGS) ♪ A long, long time ago 622 00:28:45,818 --> 00:28:48,558 ♪ I can still remember 623 00:28:48,658 --> 00:28:51,578 ♪ How that music used to make me smile 624 00:28:53,659 --> 00:28:57,039 ♪ And I knew if I had my chance 625 00:28:57,139 --> 00:28:59,879 ♪ That I could make those people dance 626 00:28:59,979 --> 00:29:04,179 ♪ And maybe they'd be happy for a while 627 00:29:07,539 --> 00:29:10,399 ♪ But February made me shiver 628 00:29:10,499 --> 00:29:13,679 ♪ With every paper I'd deliver 629 00:29:13,779 --> 00:29:16,719 ♪ Bad news on the doorstep 630 00:29:16,819 --> 00:29:20,639 ♪ I couldn't take one more step... ♪ 631 00:29:20,739 --> 00:29:23,559 (PIANO MELODY CONTINUES) 632 00:29:23,659 --> 00:29:25,659 (LIGHT TINKLING) 633 00:29:42,820 --> 00:29:44,320 (HAND SLAPS) 634 00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:47,680 (SINGS) ♪ So, bye-bye, Miss American Pie 635 00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:53,200 ♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry 636 00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:57,680 ♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye 637 00:29:57,780 --> 00:30:03,040 ♪ Singin' "This'll be the day that I die, 638 00:30:03,140 --> 00:30:06,360 ♪ "This'll be the day that I die." ♪ 639 00:30:06,461 --> 00:30:08,841 PHIL: Come on! 640 00:30:08,941 --> 00:30:11,521 ♪ Did you write the book of love 641 00:30:11,621 --> 00:30:15,841 ♪ And you have faith in God above? ♪ 642 00:30:15,941 --> 00:30:19,241 Forget it, by the way. I'm not doing it anymore. 643 00:30:19,341 --> 00:30:21,841 No papers, no present for Archie. 644 00:30:21,941 --> 00:30:25,921 I'm tired of being the arsehole. YOU be the arsehole. 645 00:30:26,021 --> 00:30:29,881 ♪ Well, I know that you're in love with him 646 00:30:29,981 --> 00:30:33,321 ♪ 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym 647 00:30:33,421 --> 00:30:36,681 ♪ You both kicked off your shoes 648 00:30:36,781 --> 00:30:39,781 ♪ Man, I dig those rhythm and blues 649 00:30:41,421 --> 00:30:43,841 ♪ Lonely teenage broncin' buck 650 00:30:43,942 --> 00:30:47,682 ♪ With a pink carnation and a pick-up truck 651 00:30:47,782 --> 00:30:50,802 ♪ But I knew I was out of luck 652 00:30:50,902 --> 00:30:55,762 ♪ The day the music died... ♪ 653 00:30:55,862 --> 00:30:57,862 Big-time. 654 00:30:58,622 --> 00:31:00,922 We were gonna stay at the hotel but it's, like, 300 quid 655 00:31:01,022 --> 00:31:03,802 and we'd rather just put that on a deposit for a holiday. 656 00:31:03,902 --> 00:31:06,982 Oh, it's better here anyway so he can be sick. 657 00:31:09,702 --> 00:31:12,922 What the fuck does she keep in this room? 658 00:31:13,022 --> 00:31:15,782 -Have you ever looked in here? -No. 659 00:31:17,142 --> 00:31:20,082 At least she doesn't keep this out anymore. 660 00:31:20,183 --> 00:31:23,403 -(BOTH LAUGH) -Oh, my God. 661 00:31:23,503 --> 00:31:25,843 She's so mental. 662 00:31:25,943 --> 00:31:27,723 When this was my room, 663 00:31:27,823 --> 00:31:31,003 she used to, like, come in and ask me if she should leave Dad. 664 00:31:31,103 --> 00:31:33,443 -Did she ever do that to you? -No. 665 00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:39,183 Um... Thanks. She'd come in and she'd be hammered. 666 00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,963 She'd be like, "Do you think I should leave your father? 667 00:31:44,063 --> 00:31:45,483 "You do, don't you?" 668 00:31:45,583 --> 00:31:47,523 Fucking hell. What did you say? 669 00:31:47,623 --> 00:31:49,883 I don't know. I was 10. 670 00:31:49,983 --> 00:31:53,603 -Did you say yeah? -No, it wasn't me, Arch. 671 00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,763 Dad left Mum. The walls are pretty thin. 672 00:31:56,864 --> 00:31:58,604 He's actually... 673 00:31:58,704 --> 00:32:01,604 He's told me not to tell you 'cause he doesn't want you to do favourites, 674 00:32:01,704 --> 00:32:05,244 but he's giving me and Shane, like, 15 grand for a deposit on a house. 675 00:32:05,344 --> 00:32:07,124 You know, he's actually sorted a lot out. 676 00:32:07,224 --> 00:32:09,724 (LAUGHS) 15! OK, but do you actually know... 677 00:32:09,824 --> 00:32:11,204 Why have you gotta shit on everything? 678 00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,404 I'm not. It's just... 679 00:32:12,504 --> 00:32:14,604 It might not be a lot of money to you, but... 680 00:32:14,704 --> 00:32:17,124 -OK, but it's Dad. -It's a wedding present. 681 00:32:17,224 --> 00:32:20,804 'Cause don't say anything, 682 00:32:20,904 --> 00:32:23,764 but I reckon I'm up the wotsit. 683 00:32:23,864 --> 00:32:27,564 Are you fucking joking? You've been wankered all day. 684 00:32:27,664 --> 00:32:29,364 Well, yeah, that's why I haven't done a test. 685 00:32:29,464 --> 00:32:31,364 I'm not not gonna drink at my wedding, am I? 686 00:32:31,464 --> 00:32:33,574 But you know you shouldn't drink whilst you're pregnant, Arch. 687 00:32:33,665 --> 00:32:35,365 Well, I figured a lot don't stick, do they? 688 00:32:35,465 --> 00:32:38,565 And I reckon if this one can survive all the shit that I throw at it, 689 00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:42,285 then it really wants to survive and have a go at life, you know? 690 00:32:42,385 --> 00:32:44,665 Anyway, we're all happy at the minute. 691 00:33:06,105 --> 00:33:07,925 (WHISPERS) I could drive him back to the hotel. 692 00:33:08,025 --> 00:33:10,485 -I haven't drunk anything. -No, he knows where he is here. 693 00:33:10,586 --> 00:33:14,826 -(INHALES DEEPLY) -Yeah. OK, good. 694 00:33:23,186 --> 00:33:25,746 -Frank... -No, it's alright. It's alright. 695 00:33:28,626 --> 00:33:31,546 I want you to fuck this bloodline out of me. 696 00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:41,226 Let's get these bad boys off. 697 00:33:42,746 --> 00:33:44,686 This is fucking sexy when I take it off. 698 00:33:44,786 --> 00:33:46,686 -I'll bet it is. -It's fucking sexy. 699 00:33:46,787 --> 00:33:48,407 Come on, then. 700 00:33:48,507 --> 00:33:51,207 -It takes quite a long time. -(BOTH LAUGH) 701 00:33:51,307 --> 00:33:53,967 -Well, hurry up. -There it is. Oh! 702 00:33:54,067 --> 00:33:55,607 -Wow. -Merry Christmas. 703 00:33:55,707 --> 00:33:57,767 -Pretty fucking hot, right? -Mm-hmm. 704 00:33:57,867 --> 00:34:02,507 Mm-hmm. You just wait. You just wait. Oh, yeah. 705 00:34:05,627 --> 00:34:07,047 I love your hair. 706 00:34:07,147 --> 00:34:09,047 Oh, well, you're in luck, baby, 707 00:34:09,147 --> 00:34:11,467 'cause there's plenty more where that came from. 708 00:34:16,827 --> 00:34:19,087 Ah. I thought you loved my hair. 709 00:34:19,187 --> 00:34:21,807 I do love your hair. I just... I wanna see your face. 710 00:34:21,907 --> 00:34:24,347 (MOANS) 711 00:34:26,908 --> 00:34:29,608 Oh, hello. Were you bitten by a shark? 712 00:34:29,708 --> 00:34:33,348 -It's a caesarean scar. -Oh. 713 00:34:35,268 --> 00:34:37,908 What? It was a long time ago. 714 00:34:39,028 --> 00:34:40,768 Oh, God, it's not dead, is it? 715 00:34:40,868 --> 00:34:43,528 What? No. 716 00:34:43,628 --> 00:34:48,008 She's on holiday in Greece. She's 17. 717 00:34:48,108 --> 00:34:49,928 Oh, wow. 718 00:34:50,028 --> 00:34:54,748 This is, uh, like, my first night out since I was 20. 719 00:34:57,268 --> 00:34:59,348 Welcome back. 720 00:35:03,629 --> 00:35:05,629 Stop. 721 00:35:11,269 --> 00:35:13,269 Oh, fuck. 722 00:35:14,149 --> 00:35:16,309 (DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE) 723 00:35:17,949 --> 00:35:22,209 -(DOOR CLOSES) -KAREN: Shh! You dirty sod. 724 00:35:22,309 --> 00:35:24,889 -COB: Just... I think it's... -KAREN: Get off! (LAUGHS) 725 00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:26,689 -KAREN: Phil... -Did you hear that? 726 00:35:26,789 --> 00:35:28,609 -PHIL: Get up those stairs... -Did you hear that? 727 00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:30,769 -Shh, shh, shh, shh. -Oh, my God! 728 00:35:30,869 --> 00:35:32,329 (KAREN GIGGLES) 729 00:35:32,429 --> 00:35:34,529 (HEAD BANGS) 730 00:35:34,629 --> 00:35:36,629 Just... 731 00:35:40,070 --> 00:35:42,210 No, no, no, no. Oh, my God. 732 00:35:42,310 --> 00:35:45,730 It's Mum and Dad. It's fucking Mum and Dad. 733 00:35:45,830 --> 00:35:47,830 It's not ideal. 734 00:35:54,590 --> 00:35:58,550 -I think we broke your mum's sink. -(BOTH LAUGH) 735 00:36:00,350 --> 00:36:02,730 Yeah, you set off, then, you, alright? 736 00:36:02,830 --> 00:36:05,250 Mum, I'm gonna transfer 15 grand to Dad, 737 00:36:05,350 --> 00:36:07,810 so just make sure Archie gets that full 15, yeah? 738 00:36:07,910 --> 00:36:10,210 -Yeah, I heard you. -Yeah, but how are you gonna do that? 739 00:36:10,310 --> 00:36:12,130 I don't know. I'll look at the bank, won't I? 740 00:36:12,230 --> 00:36:13,930 But you don't have access to Archie's bank account. 741 00:36:14,031 --> 00:36:15,531 Just ask her how much Dad gives her 742 00:36:15,631 --> 00:36:17,491 and make sure it's the full 15, yeah? 743 00:36:17,591 --> 00:36:19,651 -Yes? -Yeah. Alright, alright. 744 00:36:19,751 --> 00:36:22,651 It's a bit early. Go on. Go on. Off you go before it gets busy. 745 00:36:22,751 --> 00:36:25,451 PHIL: Karen, make us a tea, love. 746 00:36:25,551 --> 00:36:28,351 Everyone had to stop over last night. Bloody madhouse. 747 00:36:30,431 --> 00:36:32,691 Alright, I'll see you later. See you. 'Bye. 748 00:36:32,791 --> 00:36:34,991 Ta-ra, love. Off you go. 749 00:36:35,991 --> 00:36:38,231 (BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC) 750 00:36:40,591 --> 00:36:42,731 (MAN SINGS) ♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home 751 00:36:42,831 --> 00:36:44,131 ♪ Jackie took a chance... ♪ 752 00:36:44,231 --> 00:36:45,291 NAOMI: Hello, Pickles. 753 00:36:45,391 --> 00:36:48,091 Can I bum a ciggie before we go get fingered in the railway arches? 754 00:36:48,191 --> 00:36:50,691 I think we should stop talking like that in front of him, OK? 755 00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:52,492 I'm worried that he's absorbing stuff all the time 756 00:36:52,592 --> 00:36:54,592 like a big sanitary towel full of my gross... 757 00:36:55,592 --> 00:36:56,492 Bleugh. 758 00:36:56,592 --> 00:36:58,692 You mean stuff like that? 759 00:36:58,792 --> 00:37:01,512 I need you to get me something from the chemist. 760 00:37:02,752 --> 00:37:05,372 The morning after pill. (CLEARS THROAT) 761 00:37:05,472 --> 00:37:07,472 Slag. 762 00:37:09,152 --> 00:37:11,152 Come on. 763 00:37:13,712 --> 00:37:18,692 ♪ I'll say this I miss you more every day 764 00:37:18,792 --> 00:37:23,652 ♪ Daylight, it leads me back your way 765 00:37:23,752 --> 00:37:28,212 ♪ Falling into my mind again 766 00:37:28,313 --> 00:37:33,553 ♪ I'll say this I miss you more, my friend 767 00:37:37,673 --> 00:37:40,053 ♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home 768 00:37:40,153 --> 00:37:42,453 ♪ Jackie took a chance and went in alone 769 00:37:42,553 --> 00:37:45,633 ♪ And I can feel the road under my feet 770 00:37:47,433 --> 00:37:49,693 ♪ Years flew by in the pouring rain 771 00:37:49,793 --> 00:37:52,053 ♪ And I can hear you calling my name 772 00:37:52,153 --> 00:37:55,233 ♪ And I can feel the road under my feet 773 00:37:56,473 --> 00:38:00,893 ♪ Wake me up when the morning comes 774 00:38:00,993 --> 00:38:06,873 ♪ Wake me up and watch me run... ♪ 775 00:38:10,434 --> 00:38:12,414 I really want to be in a musical. 776 00:38:12,514 --> 00:38:14,814 I think they'll offer, you know. 777 00:38:14,914 --> 00:38:17,254 No, I mean all the time. 778 00:38:17,354 --> 00:38:20,654 ♪ It leads me back your way... ♪ 779 00:38:20,754 --> 00:38:22,914 I know. S-S-Sorry. 780 00:38:24,954 --> 00:38:26,614 Alright. (GRUNTS) 781 00:38:26,714 --> 00:38:31,194 ♪ I miss you, my old friend 782 00:38:34,714 --> 00:38:37,134 ♪ Sonny got a job and Jean left home 783 00:38:37,234 --> 00:38:39,794 ♪ Jackie took a chance and went in alone... ♪ 784 00:38:44,515 --> 00:38:45,535 ♪ Years flew by 785 00:38:45,635 --> 00:38:46,815 ♪ In the pouring rain 786 00:38:46,915 --> 00:38:49,315 ♪ And I can hear you calling my name... ♪ 787 00:38:53,795 --> 00:38:55,615 ♪ Wake me up 788 00:38:55,715 --> 00:38:57,755 ♪ When the morning comes... ♪ 61570

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