Original subtitles

Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.

Bitch, bitch teacher. What time is it?

-NAOMI: 9:17. -COB: 20 past.

Cob was just asking why we're not saying

it's from a specific time in the past before you guys got together.

Well, we could.

NAOMI: We could. It's not my advice, but...

Well, happily, it's not your decision.

No, it's not, Cob, but the point is what we don't want

is a bunch of people who are able to date it through I don't know what...

Carbon penis dating? Why wouldn't they have done that already?

It's just that she doesn't look 10 years younger. No offence.

And if we date it specifically, it might drag you into it.

Oh, that...that's what drags me into it? OK, fine, right. Cool, yeah.

I thought we'd agreed we're not gonna get into

the who or the when of these photos.

It's pretty fucking obvious, no?

Why don't we just say ex-boyfriend from a long time ago?

No, you're not gonna name names 'cause you're above that.

OK, but would that be better for Disney,

if it was from a long time ago?

Have you even spoken to them yet?

No, they're being weirdly quiet for Americans.

Hey, hey, you are not losing that job!

The point is we should all be fine

with seeing someone with a cock in their hand.

We're not children.

But there are children in the world who watch movies.

Yeah, also, we have one of them.

Partly because of her having your cock in her hand at some point.

There's no shame to be had in a woman doing a sex act!

-There is in this case. -Yeah, if it's not her husband's.

If it's a fucking overrated trash peddler

who thinks he's Steve McQueen - not that one.

Oh, I'm so worried I'm gonna get this wrong.

You know, I can't not be authentic.

Even if I try, I'll end up being authentic.

I can't not be authentic.

-You're an actress! -Yeah, but come on.

Like, if she asks me how I feel about the pictures

being out there, the answer isn't 'fine', is it?

No, of course the answer's not 'fine' because you're disappointed.

You shouldn't be ashamed is what's important.

-You should just be honest. -But I am ashamed.

Why? You've got no reason to be ashamed.

-Mmm, she kind of has. -I kind of do.

Yeah, but they don't know that!

We're not presenting it as that is what I'm saying.

OK, so don't say it's that - that it's Carter?

BOTH: No!

Don't be honest about that, obviously!

Be honest about how you would feel

if everything we were saying was true.

Oh, my God. Can we please just say that it's old?

NAOMI: OK, fine, but be vague.

-OK, so just... -(PHONE BUZZES)

..general penis from a long time ago?

-Oh, I feel sick. -Yes. Yes, from a long time ago.

Don't be specific about when and don't be specific about who.

Well, I can't be specific about any of those things

because they're both entirely made up.

-OK? -OK, then we're ready.

-OK. -(CLEARS THROAT)

-Hey, Bari. -(ON PHONE) Oh, hiya.

I've got Athena from 'The Observer' on the line.

Great. Can you hear me OK?

BARI: Yeah, yeah, totally, it's fine.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, uh, put her through.

ATHENA: Hello?

Hi, it's Suzie.

ATHENA: Oh, hi!

Hi! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Um, I'm a big fan

of your political column every week, by the way.

I mean, I'm obsessed.

ATHENA: Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I mean, I can quote long stretches of it.

ATHENA: Oh, wow, that's nice.

Well, the first thing I do wanna say, though,

is I am really sorry about what happened to you.

Thank you.

ATHENA: And I'm really grateful you're speaking with me.

I...I could not be more furious.

Well... (CHUCKLES) ..me too, hashtag.

-Uh, wait. -(ATHENA CHUCKLES) Yeah.

So, I'm sorry, furious with me?

ATHENA: No! No.

Hang on. Let's do some basics, Suzie.

So, when did you see the pictures?

Um, well, I'm not one of those...

You know, I like to stay away from all of that, so...

-ATHENA: Yeah. -It wasn't...

It wasn't until, um, I got a text from Naomi, my manager,

and she said, you know, we should have a chat

and then she described it to me

and obviously I sat down with my family

and, you know, that's when I knew what it was and that was that.

ATHENA: Yeah, sure, and how...

I mean, how did you feel when you saw that they'd leaked?

Well, I was shocked, you know, obviously,

because, you know, these...

ATHENA: Yeah.

..are pictures from a very long time ago.

ATHENA: Oh, really? I think...

Oh, I think everyone assumed that they were recent images.

No. I mean, they deliberately... They can do that.

No, they're from a long time ago

and, you know, it's something I feel is very private, you know?

But it shouldn't have to be, should it?

ATHENA: Uh, can you talk more about that?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I should be able to look at the pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's me with a cock in my hand,"

and my son should be able to look at those pictures

and go, "Oh, hey, there's Mum with a cock in her hand," you know?

(ATHENA LAUGHS) Yes.

I mean, uh, is that...is that what you actually think?

No, it's not what I actually... Of course not.

But I should be able to think that,

when in reality of course I'm just like everybody else -

I'm looking at those pictures and going, you know,

"What an absolute slut."

(MOUTHS)

I'm being ironic, Athena!

-(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING) -ATHENA: OK.

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

(GROANS)

SUZIE: "What an absolute slut."

(MOANS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

Can you send me all the contracts related to the Disney job as soon as?

And also anyone else we know who's worked with them

so I can compare the wording?

Thanks.

Cob? Cob!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

I can't hear you sarcastically clapping 'cause you're in a car.

(WHIRRING)

(CLAPS SLOWLY)

Thank you. Now, I need to get to Disney before that interview does.

Can you give me a lift to the station?

I can.

Will you?

I will.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(THEME MUSIC)

(GLASS SMASHES)

(CAR ENGINE FADES)

(ECHOES) "What an absolute slut."

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Mmm-mmm-mmm...

(DREAMY MUSIC)

-(MOANING ECHOES) -Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

So is it just me or does she dress like she's from the past?

(GIGGLES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

MAN: Oh, what a slut you are.

SUZIE: "What an absolute slut."

-(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE) -(TRUCK BEEPING)

-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) -WOMAN: Mrs Pickles?

Can I have a word?

I wonder if he's curious, which is normal.

Um, sorry. Yeah, I mean, I just...

I think it's more likely

that he doesn't know if someone's in the toilet.

I mean, why aren't people locking doors?

The impression I'm getting

is that it's a rather deliberate attempt to see things.

And if there is new behaviour

that might be related to something that's going on at home,

it's important we're open and transparent about that.

Is there anything going on at home?

Is this about me not doing the school fete opening?

No! It's about Frank bursting in on people on the toilet.

And, also, did you get the letter about appropriate dress for drop-off?

I did, yeah.

(DISCORDANT JAZZ MUSIC)

I did and I used it to wipe my arse

because I'm a terrible mother and a massive slut.

Have a great day. See you, sweetheart.

(ENGINE REVVING)

So is it just me or does she dress like she's from the past?

(GIGGLES)

BRUCE: Come on. Let me give you a ride home.

(REVVING)

I'm so lazy. I should walk.

Please don't.

(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS)

Mmm. Oh, my God, I need to get sucked.

(REVVING)

Oh...

(ZIPPER BUZZES)

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I'm so grateful.

Oh, suck my cock.

Mmm, suck my cock, you dirty bitch.

(PANTING) Suck my cock, you little whore.

-Really? -What?!

You're fantasising about giving him a blowjob,

some dad from the playground this morning?

I'm trying to make myself feel better.

You're not into cars.

-He's into cars! -Do you know that in real life?

It... (STAMMERS) It's in my imagination.

So you've made up that he's into sports cars

so you can fantasise about him being turned on

in a car he thinks makes him sexy?

Where are you in this?

I like his desire.

His desire for me makes me wet.

(PANTING) Suck my cock, you whore.

But he was nice to you. That was the whole attraction.

Why is he calling you names now?

MAN: Karen?

('TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS' PLAYS DISTORTEDLY)

-(MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY) Karen! -NAOMI: I know why.

MAN: Where is she, deaf bint?

NAOMI: You've always been attracted to shitty men.

Go and get me something from over there, would ya?

Good girl. You're a good little girl, aren't you?

SUZIE: I don't like shitty men.

I just wank over them.

-NAOMI: Oh, beautiful. -Sometimes.

-Beautiful! -Well, I can't help it.

Uh, you can help it, like they do with paedos.

-What? -Paedophiles.

'Cause orgasms are really, like, powerful...

What's the word? Conditioners of behaviour.

SUZIE: Mmm?

Well, they make paedos wank over images of, like, adults

and the more they wank, the more they orgasm,

the more they get into that...

I'm sorry. Who...who does this?

Like, in studies and away from, like, the kids.

Hang on a minute. So you're...

So you're saying the more I wank over someone...

-Or just nicer guys? -Yeah.

..I'll eventually start to fancy them in real life?

Yes! Like, you build the muscle, like an athlete.

Wank through your shitty childhood.

Cum your way to being a better person.

(SWEET LULLABY MUSIC)

(MUSIC RISES DRAMATICALLY)

GIRL: Come on.

(GIGGLING)

-Two? -Yep, two whole minutes!

-'Bye! -KIDS: 'Bye!

(LAUGHTER FADES)

Oh, my gosh.

Sorry. Are you OK?

It sticks out.

SUZIE: I'm allowed to think about that because I was...

..the same age as him at the time.

Obviously, I'm not judging that. At least he was nice to you.

SUZIE: Come on.

We're sophisticated enough

to distinguish between our politics and our desires.

Yeah, but everything you think is sexy

is based on what men have told you is sexy for thousands of years.

What part of that do you think is about your desire, your lust?

Where do you go to when it's coming from you?

(NAOMI'S VOICE ECHOES)

(RADIO STATIC, JUMBLED STATIONS)

(STATIC BUZZES)

(SIGHS)

(MAN PANTS AND MOANS QUIETLY)

(SUZIE BREATHES RAGGEDLY)

(MOANS)

CARTER: Yeah, so reflexology is like this theory

that every part of your foot

is connected to another part of your body.

So if I press here...

(BOTH PANT AND MOAN)

NAOMI: No! Not Carter.

You should be thinking about Cob.

You need to cum to your husband.

Well, hello.

Sorry.

NAOMI: OK, OK. Then imagine something. Go wild.

He can just feature.

(RADIO STATIC)

POLICEMAN: These photos.

(BOTH MOAN)

Can you explain?

SUZIE: Yeah, they're me.

-They're all of me. -(BOTH MOAN)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

-(GIGGLES) -I can't control her, sir.

-She's wild. -What's this little slut doing?

-You can't say 'slut', sir. -Shut up!

POLICEMAN: She's desperate for it, sir.

(SUZIE MOANS)

You want to get us into trouble, don't you, you little whore?

What's going on here?

It's only fun.

SUZIE: Sorry, Cob.

(CHILDREN SPEAK SOFTLY) Five, four, three, two, one.

(CHILDREN GIGGLE)

-GIRL: She's such a slut. -GIRL 2: She's such a slut.

(GIGGLING FADES)

You're such a slut. Two margaritas, please.

Can't believe you don't use toys.

They are depressing. Like electric tin openers.

I always think the sound of them's gonna, like...

(LAUGHS)

..attract a bunch of stray cats.

-That's so weird. -(CATS MEOW)

(CATS MEOW AND PURR)

-(MEOW ECHOES) -(DOG BARKS)

(SIGHS) Fuck!

(DRUM BEATS)

(SILENCE)

(TRAIN RATTLES)

OK, it says "Anything deemed to damage the Disney brand

"or bring it into disrepute."

Do we know deemed by who?

OK, alright. I'll take a look. Alright, thanks.

(SNIFFS)

(WATER RUNS)

Hmm.

Hmm.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Good morning. Disney. Marian Fletcher's office.

Yes, I'm Naomi Jones.

I rep Suzie Pickles and a few other people you work with.

Listen, me and Marianne really need to have a call today.

She probably mentioned this?

-WOMAN: Oh, sorry. I'm just a temp. -Oh, OK.

Uh, listen, she's got 10 minutes at some point today, doesn't she?

She can do 15 minutes, quite soon, though.

-At 11:00? -OK, great.

Actually, I happen to be in the building before for a meeting,

so I'll come straight to her office and pop my head in then.

-OK, if you're here anyway. -Exactly. Great.

-Thanks. 'Bye. -OK. Thanks. 'Bye.

(ROBOT BEEPS)

ROBOT: I am your helper.

SUZIE: Oh, fuck!

(MUTTERS)

(DEVICE VIBRATES)

Huh!

(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END)

MAN ON PHONE: Good morning. Disney UK.

Hi. Can you put me through to Dale Borger's assistant, please?

MAN: Putting you through.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Dale Borger's office.

-Hi. Is that Holly? -Yes.

-Hi, Holly. Naomi Jones here. -Mm-hm.

I just wanted to check,

do you have a meeting in with me and Marianne today at 11:00?

-WOMAN: No. Not today. -Oh, really?

Well, you should.

They've been begging me for a meeting about Suzie,

and Marianne really wanted to have it today.

-Did her assistant not message you? -Uh, yeah, no.

-She's got a temp in at the moment. -Ah, OK. That explains it.

Well, let me tell you, if you have any spare moment

to block out with him, I'd do it then,

because he'll be really annoyed if this meeting happens without him.

Oh! Well, OK, I'm putting it in the diary now.

-Thanks for letting me know. -No worries. 'Bye.

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

(DEVICE VIBRATES)

NAOMI: OK. Here we go. You're going to cum thinking about your husband.

(ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Ooh, ooh, I need to see you

♪ Come on, let me take a piece of you... ♪

NAOMI: He's attractive, right?

To...someone.

VALERIE: Professor?

Professor, do you mind going over something else for me?

♪ Meanwhile

♪ I'm on fire

♪ Your body sways and takes me higher

♪ I got you... ♪

I like that she likes him.

NAOMI: Well, get involved.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(VALERIE MOANS)

(GASPS)

(MOANS)

NAOMI: This is actually quite hot.

SUZIE: Shut up!

-Go away! -Include him, then.

He's the one you're trying to get excited about.

SUZIE: Shall I make her cum for you?

COB: Yes, please.

(MOANING)

COB: Put your fingers inside her.

SUZIE: No. No, I won't do that 'cause that's not gonna work.

Ugh! Put your fingers inside her!

I don't mind.

SUZIE: This isn't my bag. I don't even know what this is really like.

Jesus, now you're fantasising about my desires!

NAOMI: Come on, from YOU.

CARTER: Every part of your foot

is connected to another part of your body, so...

SUZIE: Mm-hm. Yeah?

CARTER: Yeah. So, where did you feel that?

In my pussy? Yeah.

Right! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

CARTER: No. No, that was meant to be your shoulder.

Oh!

But, hey, maybe that's the science, I don't know.

(SUZIE LAUGHS)

NAOMI: That was when you met.

It was good when you first met Cob.

If you can't imagine, then remember.

(WHISPERS) Beautiful girl.

(BIRD'S WINGS FLAP)

Did you see what I wrote?

-What? -Did you not see it?

Where?

I must've rubbed it off with the sweat.

Mmm.

Whereabouts?

Well, you're just gonna have to find it.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(KISSING)

-(SUZIE LAUGHS) -(BUZZING)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

What you looking so sad for?

Come on, misery!

-(LAUGHS) No! No. -Ohh. Ohh.

Don't fight me! Oh, don't fight me!

That's the worst thing you can do in this situation!

Oh, oh, no! You're just gonna have to be happy.

-I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. -Stop. Stop. Stop.

-Oh, you're so...you're so beautiful. -(LAUGHS)

You're so...you're so great. And I'm so...I'm so in love with you.

-You're so beautiful... -Be the bear!

-(LAUGHS) -(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

-You feel that? You feel that? -Oh, yeah.

-Mmm? -(SIGHS)

I just want you to stay like that forever.

-(GROWLS) -(LAUGHS)

-(ROARS) -(BEAR ROAR ECHOES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, my God!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Oh, hey. -Hi. Package for Cob.

-Yep. -Hi. Um, signature, please.

-There you go. -Thank you.

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)

MAN OVER P.A.: Hello there, we regret to inform you that

there's been an incident up ahead

so we'll be stop/start all the way into Liverpool Street.

Sorry for the delay in your journey.

(MAN GRUNTS AND HUFFS)

(RAPID RUSTLING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(RAPID DISTORTED CHUGGING)

(MOUTHS) Are you alright?

-Thanks, I'm fine. -(CHUGGING STOPS)

(SIGHING AND MOANING)

It was so wild.

It was this American soldier, training in Portsmouth.

He was so fucking hot.

-Oh, my God, was he in uniform? -Yeah.

-I love a uniform. -Me too. I wonder why?

Hot, dapper. Yes, sir. No, sir.

I think it makes it easier to work out which one is the most important.

-(SIGHING AND MOANING) -Go fuck yourself, Desantos.

Like, you started watching soccer yesterday.

Put the bottle away, you little bitch. What you doing?

-(SOLDIER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) -MAN: Keep walking!

Hey, baby. I'll walk in your fucking ass. Come on.

Hey! Language. There are ladies present.

(PASSIONATE SIGHING AND MOANING)

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm just trying to get these reprobates home.

(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING)

SONG: ♪ Come on, let's do this

♪ Memories won't save me now

♪ When the music takes your soul

♪ It's a shame and a crime

♪ If you're afraid to let yourself go... ♪

-You're so fit! -Gotta be.

-♪ Shake it off... ♪ -I love your teeth.

They're super cute.

♪ Only you feel my soul

♪ Come on, baby, let me see you... ♪

I've always been troubled by your attraction to black guys.

-I'm not. What? That's racist. -It's objectifying.

Of course it's fucking objectifying! I'm masturbating!

You should be training yourself back to Cob.

Oh, God, get out of my wank!

You're probably gonna lose the Disney gig.

-♪ Come on, yeah! ♪ -(SOBS)

(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING) ♪ Come on

♪ Yeah!

♪ Let's go, baby, shake yourself

♪ Who cares who sees it now

-♪ I got you coming, babe... ♪ -(TRAIN WHOOSHES)

No. No, no. No.

-Not you. -(DISTORTED CHUGGING SLOWS)

CARTER: Come on.

(CHUGGING STOPS)

(METAL SHRIEKS)

Hi, er, just, if you wanted to report a crime,

or just something that had happened on a train, where would I...

Would I talk to you or...like, if a wallet was stolen or something?

-Have you been a victim of a crime? -No, I just mean theoretically.

It depends if anyone's around

or if they wanna call the Metropolitan Police.

-You can wait in the staff room. -Yeah. How long?

-I've got this meeting, so... -I honestly couldn't say.

I could just go to the website, right? I'll go to the website.

Or text 61016 - the British Transport Police. There you go.

Thanks. Cheers.

-(ENGINE STARTS) -(GASPING AND MOANING)

SUZIE: Come in me! Get me pregnant! Fuck your baby into me!

Oh, God! (GASPS)

-(DISTORTED SPEECH) Whore! -You little whore!

(MOANING AND GASPING)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(JARRING MUSIC BUILDS)

-(MUSIC STOPS) -No, no. No!

-No, no, no, no, no, no. -What?

Do...do you want me to stop? I love you.

I love you.

Am I not beautiful enough?

You're so beautiful.

Am I not clever enough?

You're so clever.

Am I not happy enough?

You're so happy.

(FLOWING MUSIC)

Ahh!

Oh! (GASPS) I love you.

(ECHOES) I love you.

Fuck!

You know what I call that, when you cry after?

A French wank.

(NAIL FILE SCRAPES SOFTLY)

-(SNIFFS) -(NAIL FILE STOPS)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY)

-Hey. -SUZIE: Hey, what happened?

It was good. Good meeting.

No, I mean the guy on the train.

Oh, God, forget it.

Just, er, on the train on the way back, there was a guy that was...

I think he was, like, touching himself or some shit?

Oh, my God, I've had that.

Yeah, it was like I didn't know and then I did know.

Yeah, it was pretty special.

Look, in real news, I just saw Disney and they're very excited.

I've managed to emotionally blackmail them into supporting you.

-What? -We're in good shape, OK?

They want to behave in the best possible moral way,

and actually, in today's money,

they look pretty villainous if they dump you.

So you still have the role of ageing princess.

-OK. (LAUGHS) -I'm a legend.

-I'm in a cab, so love you. -Love you too.

-'Bye. -'Bye.

(NEWS PLAYS SOFTLY)

RADIO NEWSREADER: ..accuse the government of not having

a proper plan to repair the damage

caused by flooding along the Thames over the last...

It's just right there. It's just right there.

NEWSREADER: ..millions of pounds of damage as banks burst over last...

(DISHWASHER CLATTERS)

..unusually heavy rain.

NEWSREADER: There has been another serious sexual assault in West London

when a woman running in Ravenscourt Park

was dragged into some bushes around 7:00 last night.

Police are appealing for any witnesses...

Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Would you mind putting some music on?

-..they believe may be connected... -(BLUES MUSIC PLAYS)

SONG: ♪ I only love you and I never will

♪ Come on, baby, let me get my fill

♪ I've got you on my mind

♪ Heartbreaker, gonna take my soul

♪ I'll move your body to the rock'n'roll

♪ I've got you on my mind

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on, baby! ♪