All language subtitles for Elsa & Fred (2014)

EVERYTHING IS SO DIFFICULT.

I JUST--

OVER THERE.

SYLVIA--

MY GOODNESS.

MARCELLO, COME HERE.

HURRY UP.

SYLVIA...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MONDAY?

...IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
TAKEN OFF LAST MONDAY...

WELL, BECAUSE MY FATHER'S
ARRIVING TODAY.

NO, I TOLD YOU
I CANNOT DO MONDAY...

I'M NOT AFRAID
TO GET OFF MYSELF.

HEY, BE CAREFUL
WITH THAT MIRROR!

COULD YOU TAKE DOWN
THE "FOR SALE" SIGN
ON THE WINDOWS UPSTAIRS, PLEASE?

THEY'RE ALL THE WAY
ON THE THIRD FLOOR, MA'AM.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT?

WELL, I'M NOT A SUPER,
AM I?

THAT GOES RIGHT UPSTAIRS.

TACO, GET ME A LADDER.

YEAH, I KNOW.
I HATE LADDERS.

I'M ALWAYS FALLING OFF THEM,

BUT THIS WOMAN
IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

ARMANDE, IS THAT THE WOMAN
WHO'S MOVING IN NEXT DOOR TO ME?

NO, SHE'S NOT THE WOMAN
WHO'S MOVING IN.

THANK GOD
SHE LIVES IN THE SUBURBS.

IT'S HER FATHER.

HER MOTHER PASSED AWAY,
SHE WANTS HIM NEARBY.

OH, WHAT A SHAME.
YEAH.

HEY!

HEY!

OKAY, GOOD.

SO, UH,
COME ON IN.

IF YOU WANT TO, UH,
CHANGE INTO YOUR WORK CLOTHES,

YOU CAN USE THE ROOM
RIGHT BACK THERE.

I'M ALREADY IN
MY WORK CLOTHES.

OKAY. OKAY, GREAT.
UM, ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER, MY FATHER'S GOING
TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.

THIS IS MOVE
IS ENTIRELY POINTLESS.

I WAS DOING FINE
IN MY OWN HOME.

THIS IS YOUR OWN HOME, FRED.

YOUR DAUGHTER MOVED YOU HERE
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

WHAT DOES MY DAUGHTER KNOW?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S FOR
MY OWN GOOD. HOW DOES SHE KNOW?

THAT'LL BE $9.80.

DO YOU GOT A TEN?
I ONLY CARRY BIG BILLS.

FRED.

IT'S APARTMENT 3-D.

WHAT?!

SO, MICHAEL, DO YOU THINK
THAT IT LOOKS BETTER HERE,

OR DOES IT LOOK BETTER
OVER HERE?

SO?

DID GRANDMA LOOK THAT PISSED OFF
WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG, TOO?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CAR?

WERE YOU GUYS GOING TO EVER
ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS
TO CONVINCE HIM.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
HE'S STUBBORN AS A MULE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

COME HERE.
COME OVER HERE.

I LEFT IT WITH YOU
FOR ONE HOUR, LYDIA.

ONE HOUR. LOOK AT THIS.
COME HERE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
IT IS NOT YOUR CAR.

IT'S MY CAR, TOO.
LOOK AT IT.

OH, MY GOD.
WHO DID THAT?
YOU'VE WRECKED MY CAR.

I LEFT THAT CAR
WITH YOU FOR ONE HOUR,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M LAVERNE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

WHO ARE YOU,
EXACTLY?

MAYBE JUST
SOMEBODY PASSING BY.

IT WAS AN OLD LADY
IN AN ORANGE CAR.

WHAT? WHAT OLD LADY?

¶ JUST SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT
SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT ¶

¶ SHAKE THAT LITTLE MAMACITA ¶

¶ SHAKE IT, LICK IT, LICK IT,
LICK IT, LICK IT ¶

¶ OOH, OOH-OOH ¶

¶ GET IT, GIRL ¶

¶ OOH-OOH, OOH ¶

¶ GET, GET IT,
GET IT, GET IT, GIRL ¶

YEAH, WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

AH. AH, YES.

THAT'S, UH, LAVERNE.

I FOUND HER HERE,

AND, IT TURNS OUT
SHE'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU FOUND HER?

THE PEOPLE
WHO LIVED HERE BEFORE,
LEFT HER HERE?

OH, NO. AROUND HERE.
SHE LIVES NEARBY.

OH, OKAY. THAT MEANS
SHE'S GOING BACK HOME, NOW.

UH, WELL, UH, YES,
BUT MAYBE SOMETIMES

SHE'LL COME BACK
TO KEEP YOU COMPANY.

HUH, "COME BACK".

THIS IS A HOME CAREGIVER--

UH, SORRY.
UH, NO OFFENSE.

YOU WOULDN'T, BY ANY CHANCE,
BE CONFUSING ME

WITH SOME ELDERLY,
MENTAL DEFECTIVE?

I CAN LOOK AFTER MYSELF
VERY WELL, THANK YOU,

BUT I CANNOT HAVE
A RANDOM PERSON IN THE HOUSE.

BUT DAD, YOU CAN'T
DO EVERYTHING ALONE.

I'LL WORRY.

AND I HAVE TO BE STRESSED OUT
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY?

SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO BE OFFENSIVE.

BUT I WILL NOT
HAVE THAT WOMAN

WANDERING ALL OVER
MY HOUSE!

OH, HEY! OKAY.

WE'LL SEND HER AWAY,

BUT YOU HAVE
TO GO TELL HER.

NO PROBLEM.

NOW, NOW, LISTEN.

YOU LOOK HERE, NOW.

I ALREADY QUIT
MY OTHER JOB.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO NOW?

WELL, I DON'T--

I MEAN--

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE LATE.

NO, I'M ON MY WAY.

MOM, I POSTPONED
A MEETING AT WORK

TO GO IN WITH YOU.

OH, DEAR, SWEET, WONDERFUL SON.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT.

I TOLD YOU
I CAN GO BY MYSELF.

I KNOW THE WHOLE DEAL
BY NOW.

THEY KNOW ME THERE.
I KNOW THEM.

MOM, I WORRY.

IF I HAVE A PROBLEM,

I'LL CALL YOU AND YOU CAN
COME AND PICK ME UP.

NO, NO. NOT THE BOOKS.
I'LL DO THOSE, HONEST.

WELL, THAT MEANS
I'M GOING TO DO IT.

NOW, LOOK.
LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.

I'LL STAY OFF YOUR BACK
IF YOU STAY OFF MINE.

FINE WITH ME.

WHAT DOES "STAY OFF YOUR BACK"
MEAN TO YOU?

WELL, IT MEANS IF YOU WANT
TO KEEP WORKING HERE,

ANYTHING MY DAUGHTER TELLS YOU
TO DO, YOU DON'T DO.

WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL YOUR NEEDS.

COOKING AND CLEANING,
THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T LIKE THAT MUCH,

BUT WHAT ELSE
DID SHE TELL YOU TO DO?

UH, MAKE YOU TAKE
A WALK IN THE MORNING,

AND AGAIN
IN THE AFTERNOON.

LIKE A DOG?
THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

AND THEN...

THEN WHAT?

TO MAKE SURE YOU CHANGE
YOUR UNDERWEAR EVERY DAY.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
YES.

A BABY GIRL. SHE LIVES
IN PITTSBURGH WITH MY SISTER.

YEAH, NO. I CAN'T SEE THAT.
I HAVEN'T GOT MY GLASSES.

JUST ENJOY HER
WHILE SHE'S STILL SMALL...

AND HASN'T PICKED
SOME IDIOT TO MARRY.

UH! AND THAT
MUST NOT BE TOUCHED.

DAD?

DAD, I'M BACK.

HI. GOT PIZZA.

AND AS OF TOMORROW,
YOU BUY GROCERIES, OKAY?

WELL, YOU SHOULD REALLY GO FOR
A WALK IN THE PARK, DAD.

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

ARE YOU FEELING
BETTER NOW, MOM?

NO, I'M FINE.

I'M PERFECT.

I ONLY CALLED YOU
BECAUSE I KNEW

YOU WERE GOING TO CALL ME.

WHAT'S LIFE
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER?

THANK YOU, DEAR.

GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING.

EVENING.

EVENING.

COME ON.
MOVE IT, MIKE.

UM...

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

YES. INSIDE, FIRST.
TALK LATER.

I, UH, GOT
THE BANK STATEMENT TODAY,

AND IT SHOWS
A CASH WITHDRAWAL.

WHAT DID YOU NEED
THAT MONEY FOR?

OH, GOD, IS IT COLD IN HERE,
OR IS IT ME?

DON'T CHANGE
THE SUBJECT, MOM.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU SPENT IT ON.

OH, LIVING. WHAT ELSE
WOULD I SPEND IT ON, DEAR?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT $2,000.

WOULD YOU LIKE
THE CARD BACK?

IT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU SPENT IT ON.

WELL, ARE YOU GOING
TO STAY FOR DINNER?

BECAUSE I--
ANSWER ME.

WHAT?

YOU HELPING ALEC OUT AGAIN?

NO. NOW, WHAT HAS ALEC
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

HE'S YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BLAMED HIM.

I THINK THAT
I'D BETTER GET THAT.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

NOT ONLY DID YOU DAMAGE OUR CAR,
BUT YOU THREATENED A MINOR.

DO YOU KNOW THAT
THAT'S A FELONY?

WELL, I'VE NEVER EVEN SET EYES
ON THIS PARTICULAR MINOR.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

SHE'S CRAZY.

I AM CERTAINLY NOT CRAZY.

THIS AFTERNOON--
IS SHE YOUR MOTHER?

NO.
YES. YES, SHE IS.
PLEASE, JUST--

OKAY.
THIS AFTERNOON,

YOUR MOTHER
RAMMED INTO OUR CAR,

AND THEN SHE DROVE OFF WITHOUT
LEAVING SO MUCH AS A NOTE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S NOT TRUE.

OH, REALLY?

OKAY, YOU HAVE
AN ORANGE CAR, AM I RIGHT?

WELL, NO.
MOM.

MY SON SAW
THE WHOLE THING.

WILL YOU STOP
THREATENING MY SON?

OKAY, MA'AM,
PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN.

MY MOTHER'S AN OLD LADY.

I'LL CALM DOWN
ONCE I GET HER

FULL INSURANCE DETAILS.

OKAY. MOM, GO GET
YOUR INSURANCE PAPERS.

NO, I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I HADN'T
MADE THE PAYMENT.

AH! GOD.
OH!

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT
YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND

WITH NO INSURANCE?

YOU COULD HAVE
KILLED SOMEBODY.

BUT I DIDN'T
KILL ANYONE.

IT'S JUST A HEADLIGHT.

TWO HEADLIGHTS,
AND A FENDER.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

JUST GET AN ESTIMATE,
AND GIVE ME A CALL.

OKAY.
OKAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

DRIVE OFF IN A HEAT.

MOM--

TWO LOUSY HEADLIGHTS,
AND THEN,

"MY MOTHER IS AN OLD LADY."

YOU COULD HAVE KEPT THAT ONE
TO YOURSELF, DEAR.

PLEASE, I WAS
JUST SAYING THAT--

IF THAT WOMAN
PARKED HER CAR

RIGHT NEXT TO ME,
RIGHT UP AGAINST ME,

WHAT HAS MY AGE
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I MEAN, IF I WAS 20,
WOULD THAT MEAN

SHE WOULDN'T PARK THERE?

WHEN SHE CALLS WITH THE BILL,

I WILL TELL YOU
THE EXACT AMOUNT.

NOW, I'M GOING TO LEAVE
THE CHECK BLANK, OKAY?

YOU JUST FILL IT IN
AND GIVE IT TO HER.

I DON'T KNOW
WHERE SHE LIVES.

ISN'T SHE THE NEW NEIGHBOR?

NO, THAT'S HER FATHER.

OKAY, SO, ALL RIGHT.
GIVE IT TO HIM.

WHAT'S HE LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.

HELLO?

I CALLED THREE TIMES ALREADY.

WHY WEREN'T YOU
PICKING UP?

BECAUSE I KNEW
IT WAS YOU, DEAR.

THANKS.
ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, PEACHY.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DAUGHTER
CALLED WITH A QUOTE FOR THE CAR.

$1,500.

$1,500?

WAIT, WELL,
LET ME SPEAK TO THEM.

NO, NO, NO.

NO. LET IT GO, OKAY?

JUST WRITE THE CHECK
AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

OH, AND NOT
THIS COMING SUNDAY,

BUT THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY
IS CARLA'S BIRTHDAY,

AND I'M TELLING YOU NOW--

SINCE WHEN HAVE I EVER FORGOT

MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY?

SINCE LAST YEAR.

WELL, I WAS AWAY.

I HAD SOMETHING TO DO.
I DON'T REMEMBER.

TWO SUNDAYS FROM TODAY.

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 9:00.
WRITE IT DOWN.

--COOPERATION ARE ENORMOUS.

AND OF COURSE, I VERY MUCH--

--APPRECIATED
THE CHANCELLOR'S VIEWS

ON THE FINANCIAL SITUATION
IN EUROPE,

WHICH WE AGREED
COULD NOT BE ALLOWED

TO PUT THE GLOBAL
ECONOMIC RECOVERY AT RISK.

OH, HELLO.

MR. BARCROFT,

YOU GOT COMPANY.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING. YES?

I'M ELSA.

I'M ELSA HAYES.
I LIVE IN APARTMENT A,

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

FREDERICK BARCROFT.

OH.

...JOIN WITH GERMANY
AND OUR NATO ALLIES...

COULD YOU TURN
THAT DOWN A TAD?

...IN THEIR POLITICAL
AND ECONOMIC EFFORTS TO...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU,
MRS., UH...

HAYES.
...HAYES?

I'D LIKE TO GIVE THIS CHECK
TO YOUR DAUGHTER,

AND YOU CAN CALL ME "ELSA."

OH, YES. THE CAR.
YES, MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME.

YES. YOU KNOW, IT'S RATHER
EXCESSIVE, YOU KNOW,

$1,500.

I'M SORRY,

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

WELL, TWO HEADLIGHTS
SHOULD NOT COST $1,500.

I MEAN, I COULD--
I COULD FEED MY GRANDCHILDREN

FOR A MONTH,
OR MAYBE TWO, ON THIS.

FIVE CHILDREN
AND WIDOWED FATHER,
AND UNEMPLOYED.

YOUR DAUGHTER
PASSED AWAY?

NO, MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

TAKEN VERY, VERY YOUNG.

AND I TRY TO HELP
AS MUCH AS I CAN,

WITH MY PENSION.

OF COURSE, THERE'S APRIL.

APRIL'S THE YOUNGEST,

AND SHE HAD MENINGITIS
AS A BABY.

SHE'LL NEVER WALK.

WELL, I'M SORRY.
I HAD NO IDEA.

WELL, HOW WOULD YOU?

IS THIS YOUR WIFE?

YES.

SHE'S...BEAUTIFUL.

IS IT TRUE THAT
SHE'S NO LONGER WITH US?

THAT'S CORRECT.

WELL, I'M A WIDOW, TOO.
27 YEARS. MM.

AND YOU?

SEVEN MONTHS.

OH.

THE FIRST YEAR'S
THE MOST PAINFUL,

BUT YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

I'M ALREADY OVER IT.

WE HATED EACH OTHER.

WELL...

NOW, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

YOU CALL ME
AND I'M RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

YES, I ALREADY PAY A LADY
TO ASK ME IF I NEED ANYTHING

AND TO HEAR ME SAY
THAT I DON'T.

I DON'T THINK
YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING.

EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMETHING.

OKAY.

WELL, I PROMISED TO TAKE
APRIL TO THE PEDIATRICIAN.

WELL...

THAT IS A CALLOUSED,
MEAN, OLD MAN.

WHEW!

MA'AM, UH...

HE SAID TO GIVE THIS
BACK TO YOU.

YEAH?
HE SAID YOU CAN PAY HIM
THE MONEY WHEN YOU HAVE IT.

HE SAID THAT GRANDCHILDREN
ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A CAR.

WELL--

THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF HIM,
BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.

MA'AM, IF I WAS YOU,
I'D TAKE IT BEFORE
HE CHANGES HIS MIND.

YEAH.

A BEAR WITH ANGEL WINGS.

WHOA!

ARTICHOKE WITH
A TENDER HEART.

WHOA.

A PORCUPINE...

WITH THE SWEETNESS OF A PANDA.

I'M GOING TO THE STORE.

ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE
IN PARTICULAR?

YEAH, TO BE 30 YEARS YOUNGER

AND HAVE A PROSTATE
THE SIZE OF A PEANUT.

THANK YOU, LAVERNE.

OKAY, I'LL CHECK IT OUT.

SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO.

HMM.

POOR MAN, HMM?
HE'S SICK.

NO, HE AIN'T SICK.

THEN WHY IS HE IN BED
ALL DAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

UM, HE'S TIRED.

NO, NO.
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST
LET A MAN JUST--

HIM-- CAST HIMSELF OUT
LIKE THAT.

WELL, I TRIED, BUT YOU KNOW,
HE'S KIND OF STUBBORN.

STUBBORN?

OH. THAT'S A CHALLENGE.

SO, DID THAT OLD LADY
ACROSS THE HALL
EVER GIVE YOU THE CHECK?

NOPE.

REALLY? BECAUSE I SPOKE
TO HER SON ABOUT IT.

SHE GAVE ME CASH.

THAT IS STRANGE.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT
IT WAS GOING TO BE

REALLY HARD TO GET
MONEY OUT OF THAT OLD BAG.

AND YOU WERE WRONG.

COUNT IT.

SO, TO WHAT DO I OWE
THIS VISIT?

EVERYONE ALL DOLLED UP
TO THE NINES.

WELL, WE JUST WANTED TO SEE
HOW YOU WERE DOING,

AND SEE HOW YOU WERE
GETTING ALONG WITH LAVERNE.

WELL, WAS AN ENTIRE
CONVENTION REALLY NECESSARY

TO FIND OUT HOW THINGS
WERE GOING WITH LAVERNE?

I MEAN, YOU COULD HAVE
CALLED ME AND SAID,

"HOW ARE THINGS
WITH LAVERNE?"

AND I WOULD HAVE SAID, "FINE."

COME ON, DAD.

JACK...

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN CALL ME "DAD"?

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE FAMILY FOR 15 YEARS.

EVEN YOU SHOULD HAVE
UNDERSTOOD BY NOW

THAT I'M NOT YOUR FATHER.

OKAY, DAD.

THERE IS...A BUSINESS

THAT WE'D LIKE GET INTO.

I'LL EXPLAIN.

FRED, I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE
A BIG WAREHOUSE

AND THE RIGHTS TO LAUNCH

AN AWESOME PRODUCT
INTO THE MARKET.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

"NEVER EVER LOSE" GLASSES.

FOR THE ABSENT-MINDED.

ALSO...

THEY'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE.

BUT WITH THIS...

...FOUND THEM.

AND JUST TILL YOU LOSE
THE REMOTE CONTROL.

IS THERE A REMOTE CONTROL
TO FIND THE REMOTE CONTROL?

GOOD QUESTION.

AND, A HANDY,
CONVENIENT CHAIN

TO WEAR AROUND YOUR NECK
SO IT STAYS WITH YOU ALWAYS.

WELL, WHY CAN'T WE WEAR
OUR GLASSES AROUND OUR NECK

AND CUT OUT
THE MIDDLEMAN?

WELL, DAD, WE WANTED
TO KNOW IF YOU MIGHT

WANT TO INVEST SOME MONEY
IN THE IDEA.

AND WE'LL DO
ALL THE WORK.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SIT BACK
AND COLLECT

YOUR FAT DIVIDEND
AT THE END OF THE YEAR.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST ME?

UH, $60,000.

TALK TO HIM. TALK TO HIM.

HEY, DAD. YOUR HAND HURT?

NO, NO.
NO, NO.

YOU KNOW, DAD, I'VE NEVER
ASKED YOU FOR ANY HELP.

I KNOW THAT.

YOU'RE ASKING HELP
FOR YOUR HUSBAND,

WHOM YOU KNOW I LOVE AS MUCH
AS SCIATIC NERVE PAIN.

YEAH, WELL,
I REALLY LOVE HIM.

WELL, THAT IS
A COMPLETE MYSTERY TO ME.

WELL, I KNOW IT MIGHT
SEEM STRANGE TO YOU, DAD,

BUT WHEN I'M WITH HIM,
I JUST FEEL LIKE...

I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.

BUT YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID
OF EXACTLY THAT,

BEING WITH HIM.

HE'S SO SLEAZY.

WELL, IT'S NOT JUST US
THAT WE'RE ASKING FOR.

THERE IS MICHAEL,
HIS FUTURE.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT ALREADY.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

THANKS, DAD.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,
IT'S NOT $60,000.

IT'S $90,000.

¶¶

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHO LET YOU IN?

MOM GAVE ME THE KEYS.

NO, OF COURSE. ANYONE CAN COME
INTO MY HOUSE AS THEY PLEASE.

IT'S A SEAPORT.

SORRY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN STAY.

OH, BOY, DO YOU STINK.
WHOA. GOD.

SMELL THAT?

I'M BECOMING A MAN.

LISTEN, GRANDPA,
MOM SENT ME--

UH-OH, DON'T TELL ME

YOU'VE COME HERE
TO TAKE ME OUT.

THERE'S A NICE PARK NEARBY.

"THERE'S A NICE PARK."

WHY'S EVERYBODY KEEP TALKING
ABOUT THIS PARK?

I MEAN, WHAT'S SO GREAT
ABOUT THIS PARK?

SITTING ON A BENCH,
LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.

SWEET, WONDERFUL GRANDSON,

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

GRANDPA DOESN'T
WANT TO GO OUT.

HE'S FINE AT HOME.

I FIGURED YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO GO OUT,

SO I CAME WITH A PLAN B.

MOM, IT'S SO HARD
TO GET TAKEN SERIOUSLY

AS AN ARTIST...

WITHOUT A BACKER.

DIDN'T SEBASTIAN SAY

YOU COULD DO A SHOW
WHENEVER YOU WANTED?

YEAH, AND SOON AS
I SHOW UP TO ASK HIM,

HE SAYS TO ME,
"YOU'RE WELCOME,

AS LONG AS YOU
COUGH UP THE CASH."

WELL, HOW MUCH
DOES HE WANT?

A LOT, AND THEY ONLY DO
EXHIBITIONS WITH OTHER ARTISTS.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

OR-- WELL, WHAT ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT HERE, DEAR? HOW MUCH?

$1,500 UP FRONT.

WHO'S THAT?
F.B.I.

RAYMOND, WHAT A SURPRISE.

DID YOU GIVE HIM THE CHECK?

WELL, I WENT OVER,
BUT HE WASN'T THERE,

MOM, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN A MUSEUM,

AND I CAN'T TALK
RIGHT NOW, DEAR,

BECAUSE I HAVE A MAN
GLARING AT ME.

MOM?
BYE.

PRETTY SOON HE'LL PUT
A PRIVATE EYE ON ME.

OKAY, I'LL ASK
FOR THE CHECK.

YOU'RE PAYING, RIGHT?
I DON'T HAVE A DIME.

OW! OWIE!

MRS. HAYES! PLEASE, PLEASE.

I NEED HELP.

JUST A MINUTE.

MRS. HAYES!

MRS. HAYES!
YES, YES.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU
BUT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.
YES, I'M COMING.

PLEASE, EVERYTHING IS DESTROYED.
IT'S A COMPLETE CATASTROPHE.

HOUSE ON FIRE?
NO, IT'S THE PIPE.

I DON'T KNOW. MRS. HAYES--
ELSA.

PLEASE HELP ME,
I BEG YOU.

EVERYONE'S GONE.
THE SUPER'S OUT.

LAVERNE IS IN PITTSBURGH.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THIS HAPPENED,

BUT I WAS TURNING ON THE FAUCET

TO GET A GLASS OF WATER,
AND LOOK!

THIS WOULDN'T STOP!

TURN OFF THE WATER
AT THE MAIN PIPE.

WHERE'S THE FAUCET?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOUR FAUCET IS?

OKAY, I'M GOING TO FIND
THE FAUCET.

OKAY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WE GOT IT.

OH.

WELL, THANK GOD
THAT'S OVER.

YOU DON'T THANK GOD.
YOU THANK ME.

I'M BOUND TO GET PNEUMONIA.

NO, YOU WON'T.

FRED, HELP ME.
NO.

PLEASE, HELP ME.
I CAN'T.

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME
NOT TO EXERT MYSELF.

NO, JUST HELP ME UP, DEAR.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, ONE SECOND.
LET ME JUST WALK.

I CAN-- I--

OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

"HELP."

WHAT?

I'M CERTAIN
YOU GOT PNEUMONIA.

FRED?

HERE.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
LYING IN BED LIKE THAT?

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
ON YOUR FEET?

WHERE DO YOU GO?

WHY BOTHER RUNNING AROUND
IN CIRCLES LIKE THAT?

IT'S POINTLESS.

I'M TIRED, SO I'M IN BED.

OKAY.

GOOD.

YES. I USED TO HAVE
A RESTAURANT, YEARS AGO.

ALL RIGHT.

IS THIS CREAM DRESSING?

NO, IT'S VERY, VERY, HEALTHY

AND NUTRITIOUS
AND WELL-BALANCED.

I USED TO BE A DIETICIAN.

HOW MANY THINGS
HAVE YOU BEEN, EXACTLY?

OH, FRED, YOU KNOW,

LIFE IS LONG,

AND WHEN YOU'VE LIVED
SO MANY YEARS,

AND YOU DO THINGS,
AND YOU DON'T THINK
WHEN YOU'RE DOING THEM,

THEY MATTER ALL THAT MUCH,

AND THEN, ONE DAY
YOU WAKE UP AND YOU REALIZE

YOU MANAGED QUITE A BIT,

AND SO MUCH SO YOU CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER IT ALL.

OH, I REMEMBER IT ALL.

HOME, WORK. WORK, HOME.

HM. WHAT'S THAT?

THAT WAS MY FIRST LIFE.

OVER.

I USED TO PLAY
CLASSICAL GUITAR.

I HAD A CAREER AHEAD OF ME.

I WAS FIXING UP MY FIRST HOME.
I HAD AN ELECTRIC SAW.

YOU KNOW,
THE DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND.

I SLIPPED AND, UM,
SEVERED MY TENDON.

OH. OH, FRED.

I'M SO SORRY.

THE ONLY THING
THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.

OH, THAT'S
A WONDERFUL ARPEGGIO.

OH, COME ON.
NOW, PLAY SOMETHING FOR ME.

YOU KNOW,
I USED TO TEACH MUSIC,

SO, I KNOW A GOOD HAND
WHEN I SEE ONE.

UH, LEAVE IT. LEAVE IT.
THAT'S ONLY DECORATION.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE GUTS
TO THROW THINGS AWAY.

BESIDES, I TOLD YOU,
MY TECHNIQUE IS IMPERFECT.

JUST WANTED TO HAVE
A LITTLE FUN.

MAKE SOME MUSIC.
A SONG.

I DON'T CARE
ABOUT TECHNIQUE.

I MEAN, SO-SO WILL DO.

EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T DO ANYTHING SO-SO.

I NEVER HAVE, UNTIL NOW.

NOW I'M OLD,
EVERYTHING IS SO-SO.

I MUCH PREFER LYING IN BED
THAN TO WASTE ENERGY

OBTAINING RESULTS THAT
I KNOW WILL ALWAYS BE MEDIOCRE,

AND THAT GOES FOR WALKING,
TALKING, THINKING.

EVERY DAY, WORSE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

THANK YOU FOR DINNER.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.

JUST GOING TO NEED
A LITTLE REST NOW.

IN PEACE.

ONLY THE DEAD
REST IN PEACE.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THE LIVING DEAD?

GOOD.

I AM THAT RARE CASE
OF THE DEAD LIVING.

I SEEM ALIVE,
BUT I'M ALREADY DEAD.

THEY INSTALLED IT
WITHOUT A WASHER.

THAT'S WHY IT EXPLODED.

OH!

GOOD JOB, ARMANDE.

YOU KNOW,
WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU?

UH, I'LL LEAVE IT OPEN,
MR. BARCROFT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO GET UP
TO LET ME IN.

FRED.

FRED.

FRED.

OH.
I FOUND THE DOOR OPEN.

HM.

I CAME FOR YOUR
MEMORIAL SERVICE,

BUT I SEE
YOU'RE QUITE ACTIVE.

OH, YEAH.

PEAK ACTIVITY TIME
AROUND HERE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

FOR WHAT?

FOR INVITING ME
TO SIT DOWN.

I CAN READ YOUR MIND.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THE WORLD?

WELL, NOTHING.
IT'S ALL NONSENSE.

THEN WHY ARE YOU READING
THE NEWSPAPER?

I READ THE OBITUARIES.

I LIKE TO CATCH UP
ON MY FRIENDS.

OH, FRED...

WHY DO YOU PRETEND
TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT?

LOOK, THIS IS WHO I AM.

IT'S YOU THAT SEES SOMETHING
IN ME, THAT ISN'T THERE.

BUT IT IS THERE.

YOU GAVE ME THE MOST
WONDERFUL GIFT LAST NIGHT.

EVEN A STONE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO RESIST THOSE STORIES

ABOUT HUNGRY GRANDCHILDREN
AND SICK BABIES.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT,

ALTHOUGH, THAT WAS
AN INCREDIBLE GIFT.

THANK YOU.
NO, I MEAN,

THAT YOU ASKED
FOR MY HELP, FRED.

AND ASKING FOR HELP,

IT'S SHOWING YOUR WEAKNESSES
AND YOUR HELPLESSNESS

AND STANDING NAKED
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

YOU WERE NAKED
IN FRONT OF ME, FRED.

IT'S A SPECIAL,
PRECIOUS THING,

LETTING SOMEONE HELP YOU.

AND YOU ASKED ME.

FRED,
THE PATH TO LIFE IS LONG.

WHO SAID THAT, GANDHI?

MOTHER TERESA OF CALCUTTA?
ROCKY BALBOA?

NO, I SAID IT, FRED.

I'M BACK.

I GOT YOU A MELON.

I WENT TO
THE PROSTATE COUNTER,

BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE
NO PEANUT-SIZED ONES.

MORNING, MA'AM.

UH, AHEM,
NOW, LISTEN, UM...

MRS. HAYES--
ELSA.

WHATEVER, ELSA.

I ASKED YOU TO HELP ME

BECAUSE I WAS DROWNING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU SEE THAT

AS BEING SO IMPORTANT.

HOWEVER, WHAT DOES STRIKE ME
IS THAT YOU SAY THINGS TO ME

THAT NO ONE
HAS EVER SAID BEFORE.

PLEASE,
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT EVERYTHING BETWEEN US
TO BE THE FIRST TIME.

FRED, WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SHOW YOU THE PATH TO LIFE?

IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL BETTER.

WELL, IT'S BABY STEPS.

ONE STEP AFTER THE OTHER.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

BABY STEPS.

¶ SHE WANTS TO RIDE WITH US¶

¶ UP IN THE CAR ¶

¶ SHE KNOWS I'M A RAPPER ¶

¶ BUT SHE DON'T KNOW-- ¶

¶¶

EXCUSE ME, COULD I ASK
FOR SOME INFORMATION

ABOUT DANCE LESSONS,
PLEASE?

YES, MA'AM.
THANK YOU.

FOR YOU?

WELL, IF NOT ME, WHO?

EXCUSE ME JUST ONE MOMENT.

THANK YOU.

UM, DO WE HAVE
AN AGE LIMIT?

NOT OFFICIALLY.

WE JUST DON'T LIKE 'EM
CROAKING ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

TELL HER
WE'RE FILLED UP.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM,
WE ONLY ACCEPT COUPLES.

COUPLES?

WELL, SHE'S SINGLE.

AND I'M SINGLE.

UH--
NO, NO. THAT'S
DISCRIMINATION.

AND THAT'S NOT OKAY.

WANT TO KNOW WHY?

WELL, WHEN YOU HAVE

A LITTLE ROSEBUD MOUTH
LIKE YOURS,

AND IT STARTS TO TURN
WRINKLY LIKE THIS,

AND YOUR LITTLE BOOBS--
WHICH ARE NOT MUCH
TO SPEAK OF, ANYWAY--

WHEN THEY TO START TO FALL LIKE
FULL, RIPE PLUMS FROM THE TREE,

WELL, THAT IS WHEN
YOU UNDERSTAND

YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN DANCE LESSONS.

HM.

HELLO.

IS FRED HOME?

MM-HM. HE DON'T EVER
GO NO PLACE.

NICE.

UH, WHERE?

OH, HE'S IN HIS HIDEY-HOLE.

H.T.C. UNVEILED
THE BUTTERFLY "S"

AT A PRESS CONFERENCE
IN TAIWAN TODAY.

THE NEW FLAGSHIP PHONE
COMES WITH A 5...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN FRONT OF THE T.V.?

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
HEY!

AND YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
TO TAKE YOU OUT.

I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL,
BUT I MAKE IT WORK.

I'M TOO TIRED.
I'M TOO TIRED.

FRED, YOU NEED
TO GET SOME AIR.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO START WITH THAT

"TIRED OLD MAN" ROUTINE
IN THIS HOUSE, TOO.

I CHANGED MY ADDRESS,
NOT MY BODY.

YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR HEAD.

I SMELL HAMBURGER.

I DON'T.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE USED TO IT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU EVEN LOOK LIKE
RONALD McDONALD.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A COLORFUL SHIRT?

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
AT OUR AGE,

THAT JUST DON'T WORK.

TRUST ME, I'M YOUR DOCTOR.

THE MORE YOU STAY IN BED,
THE MORE TIRED YOU'LL GET.

GO TO THE PARK.
THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL PARK--

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
--RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
I'M JUST FINE!

LET ME BE TIRED
WHEN I WANT TO BE TIRED.

PLEASE.

LAVERNE...

I'M GOING OUT.

OH, FRED.

OH, COME IN.
STEP NUMBER ONE.

YES, THAT'S ME
WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

OH, YES, IF YOU'D
KNOWN ME 50 YEARS AGO,

YOU WOULD BELIEVE IT.

WE LOOKED QUITE A BIT ALIKE.

AND I HAD BLONDE HAIR,
AND PLATINUM.

EVERYONE MISTOOK US
FOR EACH OTHER.

OF COURSE, IT DROVE
MY HUSBAND CRAZY.

SOMETIMES NOW,
WHEN I NOW TRY
TO PICTURE HIS FACE,

I CAN'T, AND--
HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU.
I MEAN, 23 YEARS
AND I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS FACE.

23? I THOUGHT
YOU SAID IT WAS 27.

OH, WELL, IF YOU COUNT

THE FOUR YEARS BEFORE
WE WERE MARRIED,

THAT MAKES 27.

SOMETIMES, I SAY 23.
SOMETIMES, I SAY 27.

SIT DOWN, FRED.
THANK YOU.

SO, I SEE YOU WERE
GRABBED BY ANITA.

AT THE TREVI FOUNTAIN IN ROME.

WHO IS THIS ANITA?

IS SHE A CHARACTER
IN THE MOVIE, OR THE ACTRESS?

THIS IS ANITA EKBERG,
THE ACTRESS.

LA DOLCE VITA.

MASTROIANNI,

FELLINI,
YOU REMEMBER.

OH, I'VE HEARD OF IT,
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING IT.

OH, WELL, IT'S THE GREATEST
FILM OF ALL TIME,

AND I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED
OF GOING TO THE TREVI FOUNTAIN,

BUT MAX--
HE'D NEVER TAKE ME.

I TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM,

BUT THERE WAS ALWAYS SO MUCH
MORE WORK GOING ON, AND...

BUT MY DREAM WAS,
I WOULD BE ANITA,

AND HE WOULD BE MARCELLO.

BUT I SUPPOSE IT WAS
NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN.

SO, I SUPPOSE YOU
DON'T EVEN KNOW PICASSO.

THE DRESS DESIGNER?

NO, THE ARTIST.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST
A FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT HUMOR.

HE PAINTED A WONDERFUL
PORTRAIT OF ME.
NO.

YES, HE DID.

I WAS A YOUNG GIRL,

AND HE WAS VERY MATURE,

BUT WE HAD A PLATONIC,

BUT, UM, PASSIONATE LOVE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT,
EXACTLY, IF I MAY ASK?

WELL, IT MEANS THAT

THERE WAS A REALLY CRAZY
ATTRACTION BETWEEN US,

ALTHOUGH WE NEVER
DID ANYTHING.

NOTHING.

AND ONE DAY,
HE GRABBED THIS PIECE OF PAPER,

AND HE PAINTED MY PORTRAIT,

AND HE SAID--
AH, I REMEMBER IT

LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY--
HE SAID,

"AH, THIS IS BETTER
THAN INTERCOURSE"

AND I SAID,
"PABLO, YES."

STILL HAVE IT?

YES, OF COURSE.
I HAVE IT IN THE SAFE.

BUT, UM, I COULDN'T TELL YOU
WHERE THE KEYS ARE NOW.

I'LL GET IT.
I'LL GET THEM.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE HAD
AN EXTRAORDINARY LIFE.

IT'S TRUE.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CAN HAVE
EVERYTHING SHE WANTS.

WELL, FRED, LET ME REMIND YOU,
THAT'S NOT ME.

OH, I KNOW THAT.
SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU.

WELL, I HAVE PICTURES OF MYSELF,
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

I BELIEVE YOU.
I BELIEVE YOU.

YOU'RE JUST DIFFERENT,
THAT'S ALL.

SO, FRED, TELL ME, WHAT--

WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN
OUT OF LIFE?

HM?

OH, 40 YEARS
OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS,

A BUM MARRIAGE,

A BALL-BREAKING DAUGHTER,

WHO I'M FOND OF,
OCCASIONALLY,

ONE OR TWO FRIENDS,

AND THAT'S MY 80 YEARS.

YOU'RE 80? YOU'RE--
YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME.

REALLY?

WELL, THAT SENTENCE
DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

I'M 74.

YOU'RE WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.

YEAH.

SO, TELL ME, WITH ALL YOUR
80 YEARS BEING ON THIS EARTH,

HOW MUCH DID YOU LAUGH?

VERY LITTLE.

WELL, STICK WITH ME, FRED,
AND, UM...

HAVE A DRINK
AND TRY THE PASTRIES.

UM...

UM, WHY DON'T YOU
PLAY ME SOMETHING?

WELL...

NO, I ASKED YOU FIRST.

YOU PLAY SOMETHING FOR ME,

THEN I'LL PLAY
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
A LONG TIME.

REMEMBER, BABY STEPS.

YOU'RE READY
FOR THE SECOND?

OH, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING
OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

CHILDREN REGURGITATING
THEIR FOOD.

OLD PEOPLE SITTING AROUND
ON BENCHES,

WAITING TO POP THEIR CLOGS.

OH, COME ON. TELL ME,
DID YOU AND YOUR WIFE

REALLY HATE EACH OTHER?

WELL, SHE WAS A GOOD WOMAN.

WE HAD OUR
MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

AND THAT'S IT?

YEAH, SHE WAS
A GOOD ORGANIZER.

SHE ORGANIZED EVERYTHING.

WERE YOU HAPPY?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER ASKED MYSELF.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE JUST NORMAL,

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.

UNHAPPY.

I'M SORRY, DO YOU THINK
WE COULD CHANGE THE SUBJECT?

I DON'T LIKE
TALKING ABOUT IT.

OKAY.

IN FACT,
I'D LIKE TO GO HOME.

OH, RIGHT.
YOU'RE TIRED.

NO, I DON'T LIKE PARKS.

THEY MAKE ME FEEL
I'M ALREADY IN THE CEMETERY.

I NEVER TOOK MY DAUGHTER
WHEN SHE WAS A KID.

I NEVER TOOK A DOG
WHEN I HAD A DOG.

FINE. WE'LL GO BACK.

COME, COME.

WHY ARE YOU SO GRUMPY?

EXCUSE ME?

I NEED SOME FLOWERS HERE.
WILL YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

SURE. ARE THEY FOR A LADY?

YEAH.
OH.

PERHAPS SHE'D LIKE
SOME ROSES.

I'VE NO IDEA.

OH. THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME
BRINGING HER FLOWERS?

YEAH. UM, THIS...

OH, THOSE ARE LOVELY.

YEAH, I KNEW
YOU'D BE PISSED.

SINCE IT'S BEEN EIGHT MONTHS

AND I HAVEN'T COME
TO SEE YOU ONCE.

THE MORE YOU GOT PISSED,
THE MORE I DIDN'T COME.

ANYWAY,
I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE.

ASK AROUND.

I DON'T EVEN
GO SEE ANYONE.

NOT EVEN LIVE PEOPLE.

LISTEN, UM...

I WANTED TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING.

WERE WE HAPPY?

NO. I KNOW.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE.

YOU HAVE GOT A SHOW.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

DON'T ASK. AND NOT A WORD
TO YOUR BROTHER.

OH, NO FLORAL SHIRT TODAY.

IT WAS STRIPED.

YEAH, SAME DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S THE SAME.

AT THIS POINT,
NOTHING MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

I'M RESIGNED TO THE FACT
THAT WE NO LONGER HAVE

A VALUE IN THIS LIFE.

IT'S TIME TO WAVE
THE WHITE FLAG, OLD FRIEND.

YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD USE A CAREGIVER.

LAVERNE.

SHE HAS VERY LITTLE
LEFT HERE TO DO.

AND I FEEL BAD.
SHE NEEDS THE WORK.

OH, KEEP HER CLOSE, FRED.
YOU'LL NEED HER.

OH, YOU'LL NEED HER.

WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE?
WHAT'S A MATTER WITH YOU?

I STUPIDLY FELL IN LOVE.

OH, I AM SO SORRY.
WHO'S THE WOMAN?

IMPOSSIBLE.

WELL, OF COURSE
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

GIVE ME THAT.

OLD WOMEN ARE OLD,
YOUNG GIRLS ARE YOUNG,

AND WE...

WE'RE JUST TRASH.

TRASH, YEAH.

JUST LIKE YOUR COFFEE.

FRED, ARE YOU READY
FOR STEP NUMBER THREE?

OH.
OH.

I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE COMPANY.

OH, THIS IS MY FRIEND, JOHN.
ELSA, MY NEIGHBOR.

I WAS JUST LEAVING.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

NO, STEP NUMBER THREE
CAN WAIT.

JOHN.

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU.

PLEASURE'S MINE.
I KNOW.

HAVE A NICE NIGHT.

YOU OLD DOG!

WHAT'S ALL THIS
ABOUT A THIRD STEP, HUH?

OH, IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST A GAME.

A GAME? HOW CUTE.
WHAT SORT OF GAME?

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
TO TELL, REALLY.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A LONG STORY.

I LENT HER SOME MONEY
AND SHE WANTED TO THANK ME.

THE FACT THAT EVEN YOU
HAVE A LOVE LIFE,

GIVES ME HOPE
FOR MY FUTURE.

LOVE LIFE?
ARE YOU CRAZY?

A-AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY "EVEN YOU"?

WHY CAN'T I HAVE
A LOVE LIFE?

SEE?
CONGRATULATIONS.

SHE SEEMS
A CONSIDERABLE WOMAN.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
CONSIDER HER THEN?

GO AHEAD.
I MIGHT JUST DO THAT.

I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT.
SHE'S A WOMAN WITH ISSUES.

ALL WOMEN HAVE ISSUES.
WHAT KIND OF ISSUES?

SHE SUPPORTS HER WIDOWED,

UNEMPLOYED SON
WITH FIVE CHILDREN,

SHE'S A LITTLE UNHINGED.

BUT GO AHEAD,
YOU'LL SEE FOR YOURSELF.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU LIKE THIS,
IN ALL THESE YEARS.

SO I'M SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU.

BLINDLY.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?
WHAT IS THIS THIRD STEP?

DO YOU TRUST ME OR NOT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO A THING.

I WILL TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HELLO!

SO, I'M NOT SINGLE ANYMORE.

WE'RE HERE TO TRY OUT FIRST
A LESSON.

YOU HAVE TO SIGN THIS.
THANK YOU.

NOW, FRED...

SIGN IT?
ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?

I'M NOT DOING THAT.
NO, LOOK-- LOOK--

NO, NO.
I'M NOT GOING IN THERE.

NO, LOOK, FRED.

IT'S WONDERFUL.
GIVE IT A CHANCE.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT--
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND, WOMAN.

FRED, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO LEARN THIS DANCE.

THERE'S SO MANY THAT
YOU WOULD ENJOY DOING.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
THEN WE CAN LEAVE.

ELSA, GOOD-BYE.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

OH, GOD.

WHY ARE OLD PEOPLE
ALWAYS SO PISSED OFF?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S PISSED OFF?

OTHER THAN YOU?

I'M NOT.

NO. YEAH,
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M PISSED OFF.

AND THEN
THERE'S MOM AND DAD, TOO.

AND WHY ARE THEY PISSED OFF?

WELL, DAD, BECAUSE
HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY

FOR THE REMOTE-CONTROLLED
GLASSES STORE.

AND MOM?
WELL, MOM...

MOM IS PISSED OFF
AT EVERYTHING.

SHE YELLS ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES,
I WANT TO STRANGLE HER.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU CAN'T NOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO WAIT
TO GET YOUR REVENGE

WHEN SHE'S OLD.

SHE'S DOING THAT TO ME NOW.

WHY DOES SHE WANT REVENGE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I WAS A GOOD DAD.

I DON'T THINK I WAS.

WELL, YOU'RE
A GOOD GRANDPA THOUGH.

ARMANDE...

WHAT HAVE YOU
GONE AND DONE?

I FELL OFF A LADDER.

ARMANDE! WHAT THE HELL?

I KNOW. IT'S, LIKE,
TWO MONTHS LIKE THIS.

WHO'S GOING TO HELP ME?
I'VE GOT TO FIND SOMEBODY.

OH, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

UM...

YOU LOOKING AT ME?
YEAH.

WHAT'S LYDIA GOING TO SAY?

DO WE CARE?

NOW, YOU GO ON, DEAR.

NO, MOTHER--
NO, I'LL CATCH A CAB.

IT'S FINE.

EXCUSE ME.
HI, ELSA.

THANK YOU, WILL.

ARE WE DOING
OUR HOMEWORK, ELSA?

MM-HMM.

HMM.
DOING OUR HOMEWORK.

HMM.
BUT WEDNESDAY NIGHT,

I FORGOT TO TAKE
MY GREEN PILL.

AND WHY IS THAT?

I WAS BUSY DOING
OTHER THINGS.

IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING,
BUT I THINK...

WELL, MAYBE IT'S FRIENDSHIP.

YOU THINK?

BUT I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND

WHEN FRIENDSHIP ENDS
AND LOVE BEGINS.

BUT, IN MY OPINION,
IF IT'S LOVE...

IT'S SO MUCH SO SWIFT!

AND THEN YOU TELL YOURSELF
IT'S FRIENDSHIP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

OH, WELL,
YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
TO SCREW IT UP.

YOU KNOW,
I, ON THE OTHER HAND...

YOU'RE NOT THAT SICK, ELSA.

OH, NO, DON'T LIE TO ME,
DOCTOR.

I SAW THE TEST RESULTS.

I COULD HARDLY MAKE IT
OVER HERE, BY MYSELF.

MM.

¶¶

MARCELLO...
MARCELLO...

MARCELLO, COME HERE.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.
I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN YOU
TO THAT DANCE SCHOOL.

I JUST DIDN'T RESPECT
YOUR PACE.

BUT...

TO SHOW YOU I'M SORRY,
I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU

TO THE FINEST RESTAURANT
IN TOWN.

I HAVE NO INTENTION
OF ACCEPTING.

OH, YOU'RE STILL MAD.
ALL RIGHT.

THEN, LET ME SEE,
I'LL SAY I'M SORRY AGAIN,

AND WE'LL TURN BACK TIME,

AND-AND WE'LL GO BACK
TO STEP TWO.

I DON'T NEED YOU
TO TEACH ME HOW TO WALK.

YOU MADE ME LOOK RIDICULOUS
AT THAT PLACE

IN FRONT OF ALL
THOSE MAD CRETINS.

FRED, YOU LEFT ME THERE.

YOU LEFT ME STANDING THERE
LIKE A FOOL.

YOU REALLY OFFENDED ME.

OH, YOU'RE ANGRY
AND OFFENDED?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU
DO SOMETHING NEW.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING
THE POOR IMBECILE.

NO, YOU ASKED ME FOR HELP.

I WOULD HAVE ASKED ANYONE
WITH A PAIR OF HANDS

TO COME AND TURN OFF A TAP,
WHICH SOME MORON HAD HIDDEN

IN THE MOST OBSCURE PLACE
POSSIBLE!

ANYBODY? ANYONE?

FRED, I...

I CARED ABOUT YOU
FROM THE FIRST MINUTE.

AND I AM REALLY SORRY
THAT YOU DON'T SEE THAT.

ELSA?

ELSA?

DON'T LET'S FIGHT ANYMORE.

IT'S ALL I'VE EVER DONE
MY WHOLE LIFE.

I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST A CRAZY OLD MAN.

I GUESS WE'RE JUST
TWO OLD FOOLS.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

YOU GO GET DRESSED NOW

AND I'LL FORGET THIS
EVER HAPPENED.

HOW DID YOU
PUT UP WITH HIM?

HE'S A VERY DIFFICULT MAN.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM
WITH A...

ELSA?

WHAT ARE WE?
ME AND YOU?

EVER SINCE I MET YOU...

MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT.

IT'S-IT'S...STRANGE.

IS IT GOOD STRANGE
OR BAD STRANGE?

STRANGE.

FRED, I DON'T WANT
TO GET HURT.

AND I'VE TOLD YOU
HOW I CARE ABOUT YOU.

I'M JUST WONDERING
IF IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I HAVE SUCH
STRONG FEELINGS.

YOU SOUND LIKE A TEENAGER.

I AM A TEENAGER.

YES, YOU ARE.
A GIRL IN THE BODY OF A WOMAN.

YEAH.
A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

AW.

SO IT'S GOOD STRANGE.

OH, YES.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE
A FUTURE TOGETHER?

ARE YOU BLUSHING?

I LOVE THIS 80-YEAR-OLD MAN
SITTING ACROSS FROM ME,

BLUSHING.

HOW COULD I NOT
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?
CAPPUCCINO, PERHAPS?

NO. JUST THE CHECK, PLEASE.

RIGHT AWAY.

UM...

WHAT IS IT?

MY GLYCEMIA.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE REALLY SICK?

PUT YOUR FINGER IN IT
AND ENJOY IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
PABLO SAID TO ME?

PABLO WHO?
PICASSO, YOU KNOW.

HE SAID, "WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
IS MOCK DEATH,

AND THEN,
SHE WILL BE AFRAID OF YOU."

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH.
FRED, YOU'RE AFRAID OF LIFE.

FINGER.

MMM!

NUM, NUM, NUM!
MMM.

WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

WELL, TO LIFE.

TO LIFE, FRED.

MY GOD.
THEY'RE ROBBING US BLIND.

LET ME SEE IT, FRED.

I INVITED YOU TO DINNER,
SO DON'T YOU WORRY.

ENOUGH MONEY?
THEY'RE ROBBING US BLIND.

FRED, THIS IS WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO.

ON THE COUNT OF THREE,

WE'RE GOING TO GET UP
AND WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE.

ARE YOU MAD?
NO, NOT AT ALL.

BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER NOTICE

TWO INNOCUOUS
OLD PEOPLE LIKE US.

READY? ONE...

TWO...
ELSA!

THREE!

HAVE YOU SEEN THE OLD COUPLE
THAT WERE SITTING AT TABLE FIVE?

YES, THEY JUST LEFT.

THEY JUST--

OH, MY GOD.

- COME ON, FRED!
- GET IN HERE!

THIS IS INSANE.
I'M NOT DOING THIS.

WE ARE NOT PAYING $400
FOR A DINNER, FRED.

- NOW, GET IN THE CAR.
- HEY!

- GET IN NOW!
- ELSA, THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH.

HEY!

ARE WE BEING FOLLOWED, FRED?

I DON'T KNOW.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.
DON'T WORRY.

DID YOU REALLY THINK
WE'D END UP IN PRISON?

IT STALLED.
THIS HAPPENS SOMETIMES.
WHAT'S A MATTER NOW?

OKAY.

THEY MISSED US.

OH, YOU'RE OUT
OF YOUR MIND, WOMAN.

FIRST STEP, SECOND STEP,
SIX STEPS.

I DO ALL I CAN
TO KEEP UP WITH YOU,

AND YOU'RE TOTALLY
OFF YOUR ROCKER!

OH, FRED, COME ON.
EVERYTHING IS FINE.

YEAH, BUT WHY
DIDN'T YOU JUST PAY?

BECAUSE IT WAS
A BEAUTIFUL EVENING.

IT WAS PRICELESS,

AND WHEN SOMETHING IS PRICELESS,
WHAT IS THERE TO PAY?

OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

WHAT?
OH, NO.

ELSA, I CAN'T BREATHE.

MY LEFT--
MY LEFT ARM HURTS.

FRED, COME ON, PLEASE.
GET ME TO A HOSPITAL.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
NO, GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!

PLEASE!
PLEASE LET'S NOT FIGHT.

I KNOW I'M GOING
TO HAVE A STROKE.

I JUST KNOW IT.
OH, OF COURSE. OKAY.

I'M GOING TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE
DROOLING IN A WHEELCHAIR.

OH, GOD.

I'VE REVIEWED ALL YOUR TESTS.
EVERYTHING LOOKS NORMAL.

MM-HMM.
TELL ME DID YOU...

HAVE ANYTHING
TO DRINK TONIGHT

OR EAT ANY RICH FOODS?

EXPERIENCE
ANY STRONG EMOTIONS?

ALL OF THE ABOVE,
AND UNDER TWO HOURS.

OH.

WELL, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO HELP YOU RELAX.

GO HOME AND GO
STRAIGHT TO BED.

HE WILL.
IF THIS LADY WILL LET ME.

MA'AM, YOUR HUSBAND'S
JUST A LITTLE STRESSED.

HE NEEDS TO REST.

MY HUSBAND?
OH, YES. HE IS, UH...

WE'VE-- MARRIAGE IS SUCH
A LONG THING.

HE IS SO BORING
THAT I HAVE TO SHAKE HIM UP

EVERY--

THE WIVES--
OH, THEY'RE INSUFFERABLE
FROM THE START!

HERE YOU GO.
PILLS. THANK YOU.

HOW ADORABLE.
EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

THEY STILL WANT TO FIGHT
AND MAKE UP.

WELL, THIS IS WHERE
I FOUND YOU,

AND THIS IS WHERE I...

I WILL BE LEAVING.

HOW'S THE OLD TICKER?

OH, IT'S BETTER.

IF YOU WAIT TWO MORE SECONDS,
I'M GOING TO GO.

IT IS TOO SOON
FOR ME TO ASK

IF I COULD SLEEP
HERE TONIGHT?

TO SLEEP?

WHAT STEP'S THAT?

I'VE LOST COUNT.

GOOD MORNING.

YUP, IT'S MORNING.

IT'S NOT A SO-SO DATE.

¶¶

YOU PLAY SUBLIMELY.

NO. SO-SO.

UH-UH. SUBLIMELY.

HELLO, ARMANDE.
HOW'S YOUR ARM?

UH...

IT'S, UH...

DAD? DAD?

DAD?

DAD?

DAD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TAKING A BATH.

UH, ARE YOU OKAY?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU
TAKE A BATH AT THIS HOUR.

OOH, STOP THE PRESS.
HOLD THE FRONTPAGE.

"MAN TAKING BATH
IN AFTERNOON."

AND, UM...

WHAT'S THIS?
A PAIR OF SHOES.

IS IT LAVERNE'S?

OH, I BET IT'S THAT WOMAN
WHO LIVES ACROSS THE HALL!

DAD--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DOING WHAT
I SHOULD HAVE DONE YEARS AGO.

NOW, WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING ME
AND CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND YOU?

DOES JOHN KNOW?
IT'S MY LIFE, LYDIA!

IF I WANT TO STOP TAKING PILLS,
I'LL STOP TAKING PILLS.

IF I WANT TO HAVE A BATH
IN THE AFTERNOON,

I'LL TAKE A BATH
IN THE--

OH, AND WHILE
WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,

I'VE FOUND LAVERNE
A NEW JOB.

IF YOU WANT,
GO DOWN TO THE LOBBY.

SHE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

BUT WHY--
BUT WHY, DAD?

YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE A BABY.

I'LL TAKE THAT
AS A COMPLIMENT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

DOOR!

¶¶

¶ GOT A SNAP IN MY FINGERS ¶
¶ SNAP MY FINGERS ¶

¶ GOT A RHYTHM IN MY WALK ¶
¶ RHYTHM IN MY WALK ¶

¶ AS THE ELEPHANTS SAY ¶

¶ LIVING IN A GREAT BIG WAY ¶

ON THIS CD,
EVERY SONG IS THIS SONG.

I LIKE PLAYING IT FOR ME.

I LOVE IT.
IT'S SO STIMULATING.

IT'S LIKE POURING CAFFEINE
INTO YOUR EARS.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

YOU'RE A CRAZY, INSANE,
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I KNOW.

¶ WORTH A MILLION DOLLARS,
BABY ¶

¶ LONG AS I ¶

¶ KEEP A SNAP IN MY FINGERS ¶
¶ SNAP IN MY FINGERS ¶

¶ AND A RHYTHM IN MY WALK ¶

¶ I'VE GOT THE DEVIL TO PAY ¶

¶ LIVING IN A GREAT BIG WAY ¶

¶¶

¶¶

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO NEED
MORE TOMATOES.

WE'D BETTER WRITE IT
ON THE--

WRITE IT DOWN
ON THE BOARD.

OH!

¶¶

THESE CANVASSES REPRESENT

MY DREAMS
OF THE LAST FEW YEARS,

AND I'D LIKE TO SHARE THEM
WITH YOU.

I'D LIKE TO OPEN THE SHOW
WITH MY FAVORITE CREATION...

"EXPLOSION--"

SHE'S HERE.

SORRY WE'RE LATE.

MY CAR WAS IN THE SHOP.

"EXPLOSION OF PAIN."

ENJOY.

THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, FRED.

OH, HELLO.

THIS IS MY ELDEST, RAYMOND.

AND HIS WIFE, LAURA.

OH, LAURA.
HI.

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

YES, THANK YOU.

REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS SMALL
AND HE WOULD DO THOSE DRAWINGS?

I FOUND THEM
ABSOLUTELY ENCHANTING.

AND YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,
YOU LIKED ARITHMETIC.

FRED?

FRED, I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU.

YES, THIS IS HIM.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, OH, IT'S VERY...

INTENSE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT I ADMIRE YOUR DEDICATION

AS A MAN
AS MUCH AS AN ARTIST.

ALL ALONE WITH FIVE KIDS.
THAT'S GOT TO BE VERY DIFFICULT.

I DON'T HAVE
ANY CHILDREN, FRED.

RAYMOND IS THE FAMILY MAN,
BUT HE'S ONLY GOT ONE.

A DAUGHTER.

OH, THAT MUST BE
POOR LITTLE APRIL.

FRED?

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!
YOU EMBELLISHED EVERYTHING.

THAT STORY ABOUT THOSE CHILDREN
WAS HEARTBREAKING!

BUT, FRED,
IF A STORY HAS TO BE SAD,

IT HAS TO BE REALLY,
REALLY SAD.

I COULDN'T SETTLE
FOR A SO-SO SAD STORY.

YOU KNOW,
IT EXCITED MY IMAGINATION.

HEY, GRANDMA!
HEY, GRAMPS!

WHY DON'T YOU TWO
GO TUCK YOURSELVES IN?

YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS,
SONNY BOY!

NOW, LOOK, WHY--

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
TELL ME THE TRUTH?

WERE YOU AFRAID
THAT I WAS GOING TO ASK
FOR THE MONEY BACK?

I'LL GIVE IT
ALL BACK TO YOU.

YEAH, WELL, THE MONEY WAS
FOR ALEC'S SHOW, WASN'T IT?

BUT WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH
A FEW THINGS NOT ADDING UP?

IF YOU TOLD ME TOMORROW THAT
LYDIA WAS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER,

I WOULDN'T CARE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, OKAY.

LET'S FORGET THE WHOLE THING
AND START OVER.

YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU TOLD ME
THAT WASN'T TRUE?

NOTHING.
OH, YOU SURE?

YES. POSITIVE.

A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE.

THIS IS MY FRED.
THIS IS HOW I LIKE YOU.

WELL...

WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT FRED?

DO YOU LIKE HIM?
HE'S HANDSOME, HUH?

WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I MEAN...

WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE
AT THIS POINT?

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT I'M TOO OLD?

NO, I'M...
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU

YOU'RE BEING IRRESPONSIBLE.

OH, THAT'S ODD,
COMING FROM SOMEBODY

WHO'S BEEN MARRIED
THREE TIMES.

THE PURPOSE IS...

WE MAKE EACH OTHER
SO HAPPY.

DOES HE KNOW YOU'RE SICK?

NO.

AND IT'S YOUR HEAD
IF YOU TELL HIM.

OKAY. NOW,
TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

ALMOST.

IS THE CAR RIGHT OUTSIDE
THE FRONT DOOR?

WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO NERVOUS
ALL OF A SUDDEN?

SO WHAT ARE YOU
DRAWING THERE?

JUST DRAWING
A LITTLE HEART.

AH-HA!

OH, YOU'RE ALL DOLLED UP.

MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

MOM...
HI, FRED.

HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
WHY DON'T YOU INVITE HIM?

OH, HE WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED
IN THIS, HONEY.

CHILDREN SCREAMING
ALL OVER THE PLACE

AND JUNK FOOD AND BALLOONS
AND VOMIT EVERYWHERE.

NO, NO, NO.
YOU'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON'T.

WELL, GOOD THEN.
IT'S SETTLED. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS.

ARE YOU UPSET
THAT I CAME?

NO. NOT AT ALL.

OH. YOU SURE?
I'M POSITIVE.

YOU'RE LOOKING
KIND OF STRANGE.

WELL, I AM STRANGE.

OH, ALEC!

OH, GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, SIR.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

IS THIS YOUR GIFT TO HER?

"COUNTRY MORNING."
OH. UH-HUH.

SEEMED LIKE THE MOST
APPROPRIATE PAINTING

FOR A GIRL OF HER AGE.

HOW IS THIS APPROPRIATE
FOR HER AGE, ALEC?

IS THAT A DEAD DUCK?

YES.

YES, IT IS.

IT'LL BE WORTH CRAZY MONEY
IN A FEW YEARS,

AND SHE COULD SELL IT

AND BUY ALL THE WEED
SHE CAN SMOKE.

OKAY, COME ON, EVERYONE.
LET'S, UH...

LET'S DO THE PHOTOGRAPH NOW.
FRED? YEAH.

MOM, COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON.

IS YOUR FATHER COMING?

AT THIS POINT,
I DOUBT IT.

THAT'S GOOD.
WHY?

BECAUSE I TOLD FRED
I WAS A WIDOW.

MOM! WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY SMILE REAL BIG!

READY? HERE WE GO.
YEAH.

BIG SMILES.
YES. VERY GOOD.

NO, NO. WAIT!

GRANDPA HAS ARRIVED.

GRAMPS!

GRANDPA!

SON OF A BITCH.
HE SHOWED.

IS THAT YOUR WIFE'S FATHER?

NO, IT'S MY FATHER.

YAY! GRANDPA!
COME ON, GRANDPA!

COME GET IN THE PHOTO!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

REAL BIG NOW! READY?

SQUEEZE TOGETHER
A LITTLE BIT MORE.

BIG SMILES NOW.

YOU LIKE DOING THIS TO ME,
DON'T YOU?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO YOU, FRED.

IF I DID ANYTHING TO ANYBODY,
IT WAS TO MY EX-HUSBAND.

I KILLED HIM
AND WITH GOOD REASON.

OH, YEAH?
AND WHAT WAS THAT?

BECAUSE HE LET ME DOWN.

I HOPE I NEVER
LET YOU DOWN.

OH, FRED.
HE WAS SO UNFAITHFUL.

WHEN I FIND OUT--

HAVING AN AFFAIR--

I CONFRONTED HIM
AND HE DENIED IT OBVIOUSLY.

SO I NEEDED
TO FOLLOW HIM

AND, UH, CATCH HIM
IN THE ACT, SO TO SPEAK.

DID YOU DRAW HIM OUT?

NO, I WENT TO LONDON
WITH SOME GIRLFRIENDS.

AND WE WENT
TO A REAL STRIP CLUB.

AFTER THE SHOW,
ONE OF THE BOYS CAME BACK.

OH, HE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

HE WAS VERY TALL
AND DARK AND HANDSOME.

HE HAD BLUE EYES.
HIS NAME WAS STEVE.

AND HE LOOKED INTO MY FACE,
AND I SAID, "HOW MUCH?"

AND HE CAME TO MY ROOM
AND HE WAS SO AFFECTIONATE.

AND HE WAS--
HE WAS HOT.

WHEN I GOT BACK,

I TOLD MAX EVERYTHING.

AND HE GOT SO ANGRY,
AND I SAID, "WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?

YOU CAN DO THIS SORT OF THING
AND I CAN'T?"

AND HE SAID,
"YES, BECAUSE I'M A MAN."

WELL, I DID IT.
I BURIED HIM RIGHT THERE.

SO NOW YOU KNOW
WHY I KILLED HIM.

EVERYTHING YOU SAY
TO ME--

SEEMS LIKE SUCH A LIE.

THE STRIPPER, PICASSO,
THE PORTRAIT.

OH, I CAN GET THE PORTRAIT
BY PICASSO.

IT'S IN MY SAFE.

COME ON, LET'S SEE IT.

NO. IF WE'RE GOING
TO TRUST EACH OTHER,

YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME
WITHOUT PROOF.

ELSA...

I WISH I COULD TRUST YOU.

AND I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

PERIOD!

FRED.

FRED!
YOU'RE A LIAR, ELSA!

FRED, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
A SHAMELESS LIAR.

OH, LYDIA.

IF YOUR CAR GETS SMACKED,
IT WASN'T ME.

DAD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

FOR A WALK!
IN THE FUCKING PARK!

DAD. HOLD ON, DAD.

OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON?

HMM? I MEAN, MOM IS BARELY
COLD IN THE GRAVE,

AND YOU'RE SEEING THAT WOMAN?

WOULD YOU MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

THIS IS MY BUSINESS.

SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALL RED.
SO I'M RED. SO WHAT?

WELL, AT YOUR AGE...

OH, AT MY AGE,
I CAN'T BE RED?

WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER?
GREEN? BLUE?

JUST STOP STICKING YOUR NOSE
INTO MY BUSINESS!

AND GIVE ME BACK
THE COPY OF YOUR KEYS.

BUT--
GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!

WHAT IF THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY?

CALL THE SUPER.

GOOD-BYE, LYDIA!

WHY DID YOU COME?

BECAUSE, ON THURSDAY...

WE HAVE TO SIGN THE CONTRACT
FOR THE WAREHOUSE.

AND I HAVE TO ORDER
ALL OF THE "CAN'T LOSE" GLASSES,

AND I WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU'D DECIDED.

WELL, I HAVE.

AND?
I'LL DO IT.

REALLY? OH!

OH!

STOP BY BEFORE SIGNING.

WE'LL GO TO THE BANK
AND WRITE THE CHECK.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
GOOD-BYE, LYDIA.

OH, GOD!

LYDIA, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?

OH.
GOOD EVENING.

OH, GOOD EVENING.
WELL, YOU WOULD SHOW UP--

COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED,
TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE NEED TO TALK.

ABOUT WHAT?

CAN I COME IN?
YES.

MAY I SIT DOWN?

YEAH, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU ARE HER HUSBAND,

HER EX-HUSBAND,
HER DEAD HUSBAND--

SHE TOLD YOU
I WAS DEAD?

I'M SORRY,
I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME.

UH, FREDERICK BARCROFT.
MAX. MAXWELL HAYES.

LOOK, FRED,
ELSA, MY WIFE...

SHE'S VERY DANGEROUS.

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED?

WELL, TECHNICALLY.

IT MEANS NOTHING.
IT WAS LONG AGO.

BUT SHE CONFUSES REALITY
WITH HER IMAGINATION.

SHE LIES,
AND THEN SHE BELIEVES
HER OWN LIES,

AS IF THEY WERE TRUE.

I LOVED HER
WITH ALL MY HEART.

YEAH,
BUT YOU CHEATED ON HER.

AFTER SHE CHEATED ON ME.

NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE!
OH, SHE'S GOT YOU
BELIEVING THAT.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT'S
SO DANGEROUS ABOUT HER.

SEE, SHE TRANSFORMS
HER FANTASIES

INTO SOMETHING REAL.

WHEN SHE CHEATED ON ME,
I CAUGHT HER RED-HANDED.

YOU MEAN THAT YOU WENT
ALL THE WAY TO LONDON

TO CATCH HER IN THE ACT?

SHE'S NEVER BEEN
TO LONDON!

IT WAS HERE,
IN NEW ORLEANS.

I NEED A DRINK.
YOU WANT ANYTHING?

NO, NOTHING FOR ME.

I DON'T DRINK, HARDLY.
WELL, SHE SAID I WAS A DRUNK.

THAT'S ONE THING
SHE THREW IN MY FACE.

YOU KNOW,
ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

SHE'LL DRIVE YOU
TO INSANITY.

SHE LIVES
IN THIS DREAM WORLD.

DID SHE TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE ACTRESS?

WHO? WHO?
THE BLONDE WITH THE BIG--
YOU KNOW--

OH. ANITA EKBERG.
YEAH, HER.

DID SHE TELL YOU ABOUT HER--
HER DREAM OF GOING TO ROME?

TO THE FOUNTAIN?
YEAH, YEAH.

BUT SHE TOLD ME
THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO TAKE HER THERE.

SHE WANTED TO GET
INTO THE FOUNTAIN,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

AND-AND DRESS UP LIKE--
WHAT'S-HER-NAME?

AND I HAD TO DRESS UP
LIKE THAT OTHER GUY

IN THE MOVIE.

IT WAS MADNESS.
AND FOR WHAT?

WHAT?
TO GET ARRESTED?

I JUST CAME HERE TODAY
TO WARN YOU.

ONE SECOND, MAX.

IS IT TRUE?

THAT WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG,
SHE...

SHE LOOKED
LIKE ANITA EKBERG?

NO, THAT'S A LIE.

SHE WAS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL.
SHE WAS FANTASTIC.

SHE WAS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE

IN ALL OF NEW ORLEANS.

DON'T MAKE
THE SAME MISTAKE I MADE.

LETTING ELSA GO...

IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE
OF MY LIFE.

ELSA!

ELSA, WHAT IS IT?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!

NO, FRED.
LET'S TALK TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE MY LIFE,
YOU KNOW THAT?

YES. FOLLOW THAT CAB,
WILL YOU?

ALL RIGHT.
TAKE ME HOME.

ELSA?

ELSA?

ELSA?

I'M IN THE BATHROOM.

I'VE COOKED YOU DINNER.

I'M COMING.

YOU'VE HARDLY
EATEN ANYTHING.

I'M JUST NOT HUNGRY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GET YOU SOME TEA?

I JUST WANT YOU
TO HOLD ME.

THIS SCENE IS PRACTICALLY
PORNOGRAPHIC.

WHAT A WOMAN.

JOHN, CAN I ASK,
WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS

FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S ON DIALYSIS?

IT DEPENDS.
ON WHAT?

THE GENERAL STATE
OF THE PERSON,

LIFESTYLE, AGE.

WHAT ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT HERE, FRED?

OH, ELSA'S ON DIALYSIS.

I WAS WONDERING WHAT--

WHAT IS THE BEST
POSSIBLE OUTLOOK?

I'D HAVE TO KNOW
HER HISTORY, BUT...

BUT WHAT? TELL ME.

LET'S SAY
IT'S NOT VERY PROMISING

FOR A PERSON OF HER AGE.

SHE'LL DIE, HUH?

WE ALL DIE EVENTUALLY.

I'M AN IDIOT.

YES, YOU ARE AN IDIOT,
MY FRIEND.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S A QUARTER TO 5:00.
WHY?

COME WITH ME.

¶¶

GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU, FRED.

IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN DOING ALL AFTERNOON?

WHAT PLANS DO YOU HAVE
FOR THE NEXT WEEK?

UH, EXCUSE ME?

UM...

OPEN IT.
WHAT IS THIS?

READ IT, PLEASE.

TICKETS!

ROME.
YOUR CITY, I BELIEVE?

AH! OH, FRED!

I'M GOING TO DIE
OF EXCITEMENT.

OH, I HOPE NOT.

OH.

¶¶

¶¶

YOU KNOW, IN THE PORTRAIT
THAT PABLO DID OF ME,

HE DID MY ARM.

YES. BUT THEN, MY HAND WAS
COMING OUT OF MY SHOULDER.

YOU'RE ADORABLE,

EVEN THOUGH I BELIEVE
A THIRD OF WHAT YOU SAY.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE...

THAT PABLO PICASSO DID
A PORTRAIT OF ME?

I CANNOT BE WITH SUCH
A MISTRUSTING MAN.

OKAY, OKAY.
I BELIEVE YOU.

I BELIEVE YOU.

SHALL I TELL HIM
TO PASS BY THE FOUNTAIN?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I WANT TO DISCOVER IT
AT NIGHT, LIKE ANITA.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHEN I'M READY.

¶¶

YOU SMILE.

OH, FRED,
THIS IS ALL SO EXTRAORDINARY.

I BET IT COST YOU A FORTUNE.
DID YOU TAKE OUT A LOAN?

NO, I STOLE THE MONEY.

NO, COME ON.

WELL, I JUST HAD IT,
THAT'S ALL.

I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT

YOU WOULD SPEND IT
ON SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, ONCE UPON A TIME,

SOMEONE TOLD ME,
OVER AN ABSURD RESTAURANT BILL,

THAT SOME THINGS
ARE PRICELESS.

OH. DID YOU SEE HOW
THEY WERE LOOKING AT YOU?

HELLO?

THIS MAN IS MINE!

DAD? IN THE BATHROOM?
I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

IT'S TYPICAL.

COME ON.
LET'S CHECK THE SUPER.

HE LEFT.

BUT HE TOLD ME
TO GIVE YOU THIS.

HE LEFT?

"DEAR LYDIA,
ABOUT THE INVESTMENT THAT--"

I THINK THAT
IF IT SAYS "DEAR LYDIA,"
THAT IT'S FOR ME TO READ.

"DEAR LYDIA,
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

"THE INVESTMENT THAT
YOU AND JACK SUGGESTED,

"AND I...

"I DECIDED TO BACK OUT.

"I REALIZE THAT THIS WILL COME
AS A SURPRISE TO YOU,

"AND THAT YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY I'M ACTING THE WAY I DO.

WELL, I DO.
I'M CURRENTLY IN RO--"

IN ROME?!

WHAT?
IN ROME WITH ELSA!

UH...

"I DECIDED TO INVEST
IN OUR HAPPINESS.

"I'M SURE THAT
YOU'LL MAKE THINGS WORK,
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

OH, HE--

"ONE MORE THING, LYDIA.

I BELIEVE THAT I WASN'T--"

OH, MY GOD. "I WASN'T
A VERY GOOD FATHER TO YOU.

"AND I'M SORRY.

"REALLY, IF IN THE NEXT LIFE,
I'M STILL YOUR FATHER,

"I'LL TRY
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

DAD."

HE'S EVEN TRYING TO BE FUNNY
WHILE HE SCREWS US OVER.

SAY SOMETHING, LYDIA.

MY FATHER'S JUST
NEVER APOLOGIZED.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
HE'S EVER APOLOGIZED TO ME.

HE'S WASTING HIS MONEY
ON THAT OLD BROAD!

INSTEAD OF INVESTING IN YOU?

NO, HE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN THE BUSINESS, JACK!

AND, FRANKLY, NEITHER AM I.
HONESTLY, IF YOU WANT TO DO IT,

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND
A WAY TO DO IT

WITH YOUR OWN MONEY, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU.

WELL, LET'S GO...

TO THE FOUNTAIN TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

THE CAT.

CAT? WHICH CAT?

THE CAT HAS TO BE EXACTLY
LIKE ANITA'S CAT IN THE MOVIE.

IT HAS TO BE WHITE AND SMALL.

BUT ELSA, WHERE DO YOU THINK
I'M GOING TO--

OH, PLEASE, FRED.

I'VE DREAMED ABOUT THIS
FOR SO LONG.

IT'S GOT TO BE EXACTLY
LIKE I DREAMED IT, PLEASE.

BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT CAN I SAY?

I'M SO NERVOUS.

IL GATTO, HMM?

NO, BUT NOT UNTIL WE GET
TO THE FOUNTAIN.

AMORE, ANDIAMO?

ANDIAMO.

I WISH I COULD'VE
BROUGHT YOU HERE
IN THE SUMMERTIME.

NO, FRED. YOU BROUGHT ME.
YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL.

OH! SHH.

THE KITTEN.
LET ME HAVE THE KITTEN.

OH.
SORRY, I TRIED.

IT'S ALMOST WHITE.
OH, THAT'S MY BABY.

LET'S JUST COVER HER.

NO. WELL,
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY

ANITA AND MARCELLO
EITHER, ARE WE?

OH,
WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE A GLASS OF MILK
FOR THE CAT?

WHAT GLASS OF MILK?
NO, WHEN THEY GOT HERE,

JUST ABOUT HERE,
BUT NOT EXACTLY--

I DON'T THINK--

SHE SENT HIM OFF
TO A DAIRY STORE

TO BUY MILK FOR THE CAT.

ELSA, MARCELLO DIDN'T
GO TO A DAIRY STORE.

ONE OF THE FILM CREW
GOT HIM THE MILK.

MM, PLEASE, FRED?

FRED, FRED, FRED.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OH, MY...
YOU ALL RIGHT?

YES.
JUST STAY THERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, YES.

SORRY.
I COULD ONLY GET YOGURT.

TASTE IT. IT'S GOOD.

IT'S GOOD.

MARCELLO, COME HERE.

WE'RE GOING TO DIE
OF PNEUMONIA!

WOULD THIS BE SUCH
A TERRIBLE PLACE TO DIE?

HE CARESSES HER
WITH HIS EYES.

HE ADORES HER
AS IF SHE WERE...

A GODDESS.

AND THEN, IT'S JUST
THE TWO OF THEM...

ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD.

THE SOUND OF THE WATER
DISAPPEARS.

MY LOVE, MY MARCELLO,

I'M GOING TO CONFESS
SOMETHING NOW.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN
I HAVE EVER LOVED ANY PERSON.

THANK YOU.

NO. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

MANAGED TO OPEN THE SAFE.

SHE LEFT ME A NOTE.
SHE WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS.

¶ LOVE IS SWIFT ¶

¶ FOR TWO OLD FOOLS ¶

¶ WE'RE ALL ADRIFT ¶

¶ BREAKING ALL THE RULES ¶

¶ LIFE IS STRANGE ¶

¶ I CANNOT LIE ¶

¶ REARRANGE MYSELF ¶

¶ GONNA GO FOR ALL YOU GOT ¶

¶ STEP ONE ¶

¶ STILL COUNTING ¶

¶ HOW YOU LIE
WITH GRACE AND STYLE ¶

¶ STEP TWO ¶

¶ PRESSURE MOUNTING ¶

¶ FROM YOUR SIDEWAYS SMILE ¶

¶ MMM ¶

¶¶

¶ LOVED YOU MORE ¶

¶ THAN ANY OTHER PERSON ¶

¶ OH, YOU SEE ¶

¶ WE'RE REHEARSING,
NOT REVERSING ¶

¶ LOVE ME LIKE A GODDESS ¶

¶ AND I'M JUST IMMODEST ¶

¶ JUST THE WAY YOU KEEP
STABBING AT MY BODICE ¶

¶ STEP TWO ¶

¶ PRESSURE MOUNTING ¶

¶ BABY, SEE ALL
MY STYLE AND GRACE ¶

¶ STEP THREE ¶

¶ TREVI FOUNTAIN ¶

¶ STILL LIGHTING UP
YOUR SWEET FACE ¶

¶¶

¶ SAW YOUR TEST RESULTS ¶

¶ MADE ME CHECK YOUR PULSE ¶

¶ MMM ¶

¶ YOU'RE ACTING A FOOL ¶

¶ TWO OLD ADULTS ¶

¶ WHEN WE GET IT ALL COMPLETE ¶

¶ BABY, IT'S JUST AS SWEET ¶

¶ THAT'S JUST
THE ROAD WE TRAVEL ¶

¶ AND IT CAN'T BE BEAT ¶

¶ STEP ONE ¶

¶ STILL COUNTING ¶

¶ HOW YOU LIE
WITH GRACE AND STYLE ¶

¶ STEP TWO ¶

¶ YOU GOT ME DOING ¶

¶ BABY ¶

¶ A SINGLE FILE ¶

¶ STEP THREE ¶

¶ STILL LIGHTING UP ¶

¶ MY TIRED, OLD FACE ¶

¶¶

¶ AND STEP FOUR ¶

¶ TREVI FOUNTAIN ¶

¶ WE'LL ALWAYS SHARE ¶

¶ OUR TIME SPACE ¶

¶ YEAH ¶

¶ OOH ¶