Original subtitles

♪♪

Big announcement.

I've decided to make a major change in the camp's menu.

If it's from inedible to edible, I'm down.

From now on, we will all be enjoying meat-free meals.

BOTH: Ew!

What choice do I have, people? The average blood pressure at this camp

is higher than the most from bacon and butter chugging society.

Their motto is if you fry it, we'll try it.

So, what do you have in mind?

I have purchased a low-salt, low-fat, high protein product called 'Almost Meat'.

It says here it's delicious right out of the box. Try some.

(ALL GROANING IN DISGUST)

I'd rather eat the box!

This tastes like you took rotten cheese, dipped it in toe jam,

then baked it in a dirty diaper.

That is odd. It's supposed to be teriyaki.

More like teri-yucky.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Thanks again for loaning me your metal detector to find my missing ring.

Don't thank me yet. So far, all we've found is a bottle cap and two pennies.

Don't forget the slightly used retainer.

Huh. I guess the owner was chewing gum when he lost it.

Ooh, spearmint!

We're never gonna find your ring.

Come on, let's go.

But I had to eat four boxes of cereal to find that plastic ring!

There is one in every box, but somehow I kept swallowing them.

It's a plastic ring?

Why would you think a metal detector would find plastic?

Sorry. I get it. I'm not as smart as you.

We can't all get straight E's in school.

I get straight A's.

They actually give those?

I thought they were a myth, like unicorns.

Or cavity-free check ups.

Hey, what's that on the dirt?

Are those bones?

There might be more. Help me dig.

You want me to dig up bones with my bare hands?

I'd rather wear that filthy retainer.

It's all yours.

I'm telling you, this looks like some kind of animal skeleton.

No way.

Name one creature that has the face of a duck,

the body of a cow, and the thighs of a pig.

My Aunt Wilma before the plastic surgery?

Okay. Name two creatures.

I think this might be the skeleton of some brand-new species!

That's crazy. This is what happens when you eat old retainer gum.

Hey guys. What are you working on?

Our cabin scrapbook got torched in the fire last year, .

so Emma reprinted the pictures.

I also did some retouching to erase bad hair days.

You put a hat on me in every picture.

Humidity is not your friend.

Look! Our official Woodchuck portrait from last year.

EMMA: Oh, that was our fish fry.

See, Lou? I put you in a chef's hat.

That day was a real canoe tipper, am I right?

What does canoe tipper mean?

Oh, it's a long story. (CHUCKLES) You had to be there.

I guess so.

Oh, look! There's us doing the woodchuck salute.

Remember when Emma messed it up the first time?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I didn't know there was a salute.

Oh, sorry. We were going to teach it to you,

but then we got hit with that rodent infestation.

It's hard to get back into the normal routine

once you find a possum in your toilet.

Matteo, I have to show you something.

It's about that new species in the woods.

We didn't discover a new species.

You're right. I discovered it.

You were just out there, bathing in hand sanitizer.

Check it out.

Hey, where did you get Ravi's tablet?

In the owner's office.

But isn't the office always locked?

What are you, a cop?

So, I uploaded a picture of the bones we found,

and created an image of what the skeleton would look like.

Then I add the fur, and hooves, and voila!

MATTEO: Wow.

I can't believe you did all this.

You don't have to sound so surprised.

I can be pretty smart sometimes.

If I wasn't, could I make it do this?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Leave it to you to take something scientific,

and make it do the na-na.

I'll prove that this creature exists.

Let's go back out into the woods,

and find the rest of that skeleton.

Look, I love that you're excited about science,

but I just don't think you're right about this.

I bet if Ravi told you he found a new species,

you'd believe him.

Yes. Because he's good at science.

And he never tried to convince me

that a ghost broke my microscope.

That negative attitude is why

the ghost broke your microscope in the first place.

Have you tried my spaghetti and 'almost meatballs' yet?

It is a little slice of heaven.

Ugh. If death were food, this would be it.

I'd vomit, but I do not want to know

what that tastes like coming back up.

Your palates are as unrefined as your insults.

And what do you think, my gastronomical guinea pigs?

Ow!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey! Ravi is trying to make us all healthier!

He deserves to be thanked,

not get his lunch launched at him!

Thank you, Zuri.

I promise I will invent a dish

that is both healthy and delicious if it kills me.

But if somehow I cannot, please do not kill me.

You guys, I just discovered

a whole new Woodchuck world.

Woodchuck world?

Is that a theme park I don't know about?

Because if so, I'm going there on the honeymoon.

No, I'm talking about this book

I found in the camp library.

The Great Book of Woodchuck.

Oh, that? It was written a long time ago.

It's a little outdated.

No kidding.

It says tuition can be paid in wooden nickels or goats.

It also says that every new woodchuck

has to be initiated by midnight

on the first full moon of summer.

I looked it up, and that's tonight!

Oh, no, it's not a big deal.

We didn't do the initiation, and we're Woodchucks.

Unless you consider poison ivy on my butt as an initiation.

But, I won't feel like a real Woodchuck until I do this.

Well, it would make her happy.

Which is why I guess kids go to camp.

Okay, Destiny, looks like you're getting

a good old-fashioned Woodchuck initiation.

Minus the moose tipping.

Looks like they had to stop doing that.

The moose started tipping back.

Okay, if we are going to prove your theory,

we need to search the site for more specimens to analyze.

Great! While you do that, I'm gonna start digging some dirt

with my nose pickers.

Hey! Scientists need to be methodical.

You can't just go contaminating the site with your boogers.

(RUSTLING)

Listen! Someone's coming!

Or something! Hide!

(ANIMAL GROWLING)

I've never heard any animal

make that kind of noise before.

What if it's the same creature as the skeleton we found?

(GROWLING)

Let's get out of here!

But I can't prove I discovered a new creature

if I don't see it!

Well, you can't see it if it rips your eyes out!

Run!

Ravi, you won't believe this!

And you will not believe this!

Try my latest masterpiece.

It is 'almost meatloaf'.

What do you think? Honest opinion.

(SPITS)

It tastes like a rotten egg

pooped out a garbage truck.

Okay. Maybe a tad less honest.

We discovered a new species in the woods.

That is ridiculous. Matteo, I expect better from you.

What about me?

Well, for you, this is about right.

Okay, Destiny, time to begin

the Woodchuck Initiation ritual.

Once you've completed these requirements,

you will be an official, bonafide Woodchuck.

With no reason whatsoever to feel left out

or write a complaint letter to your dad.

Sorry, I'm late.

Where have you been?

Uh, there was a backup on the hiking trail.

Overturned turtle.

(SUSPICIOUSLY) Okay!

Now that we're at full chuck, you must answer

a question from The Great Book. Are you ready?

Yep! I am the queen of Q and A.

(CLEARS THROAT)

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

None. Woodchucks can't chuck wood.

(GASPS) Lou, set her straight.

It's true. Although delightful and cute,

woodchucks are useless at chucking wood.

So our cabin name is based on a lie?

Look, it's a part of our cabin's history we're not proud of,

so let's just give Destiny credit and move on.

Okay, when the creature triggers the motion sensor,

an alarm will notify us in the cabin.

Then hopefully, it will get trapped in our cage.

I could protect us, or listen to your yakkity-yak.

I can't do both.

Thanks again for standing guard with a bow and... foam arrow?

Yeah. Ever since the archery incident,

They won't give me the pointy ones.

They said, "Target." I thought they said "Margaret."

It was all very confusing.

You need help.

That's exactly what Margaret said.

Followed closely by, "Call an ambulance!"

How much longer is it gonna take Destiny

to finish the task?

I wish I had put a time limit on it.

I agree. I'm tired, and I haven't had a decent meal

since Ravi started his meat moratorium.

I just want to hit the sack and dream of a double cheese burger, with bacon,

stuffed into a turkey.

I did it! I got that snake skin.

What happened to you?

Well, the snake wasn't happy about giving it up.

You were supposed to get some skin that the snake already shed.

Well, it would have been nice if you had mentioned that before.

For me, and the snake.

Whatever.

Destiny, you are now ready for your final initiation task.

This is the most significant challenging portion of the ta...

Just get to the task!

I have to complete this by midnight!

Okay.

Too bad being snippy isn't one of the tasks.

To be a true woodchuck,

you must help a woodchuck in need.

Okay, Sass?

Help a woodchuck in need? What does that even mean?

I don't know, but what do you guys need?

For no other campers to ever find that book.

Wait a minute. (SNIFFS) Do you guys smell Chinese food?

No.

Lou, I know we're all hungry,

but I'm running out of time.

Why would there be Chinese food in the middle of the woods?

That makes no sense.

I think we should just call it this done and head home.

No way. I've gotta go meet that meat.

No! I only have 10 minutes left.

I'm telling you guys there's nothing to smell here!

Your noses are hallucinating!

(ALARM BUZZING) (GASPS)

The beast triggered the motion alarm!

What beast? What alarm? What is happening?

It must be near the trap. Let's go! No, sir!

I will not let my campers go into the dark woods unsupervised!

There's no exception to this rule, and I'm unwavering on this point.

We understand.

See ya!

Why do they never listen to me? I hear myself talking.

(SNIFFING) I think we're close.

My wonton sensor is spiking.

Can we please get back to my Woodchuck initiation?

It's almost midnight!

Oh! Ah-ha! I knew it!

Someone ordered Chinese food in the middle of the woods?

That's crazy.

Why would anyone leave an order of soup, spare ribs and Peking Duck

in the middle of the woods?

Wait a minute.

How did you know exactly what's in this bag?

Uh, lucky guess?

Zuri, if you don't explain where this food came from,

so help me, I will drink all this soup right now.

Drop that egg drop.

Okay, okay.

I've been having Chinese food delivered because

I can't stand Ravi's 'Almost Meat'.

It tastes like a gym sock that gave up on life.

But you're the one who's been defending Ravi's food.

And this whole time you were sneaking off

and eating juicy, meaty Chinese food all by yourself?

Can you blame me?

No, but you could have at least shared.

It's mine! Back off, you savages!

Zuri, give me a rib, or you'll be sorry.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Because I'm about to sink my teeth into something,

and I think you'd rather it be the rib.

(TWIG BREAKS) (ALL GASPING AND SCREAMING)

(GASPING) What just happened?

We're trapped!

It's probably just a bear trap. I can lift it.

Nobody panic.

(GRUNTS)

I can't lift it. Everybody panic!

What if this trap was set by some psycho who's coming to kill us?

Then he'll have to pry these ribs out of my cold, dead hands.

Whoever set this trap could be back any minute.

Hey psycho!

Don't bother coming after my egg rolls,

because I already licked them all!

I can't believe this stupid cage

is going to prevent me from completing

my Woodchuck initiation.

Destiny, we're trapped like rats, and you're still thinking about that ritual?

Yeah, I always thought that nobody took this Woodchuck stuff

more seriously than I did, but,

you're acting a little cray-cray.

Destiny, why is this so important to you?

I think it was the fish fry.

The what? The fish fry.

You know, how you guys said it was a canoe-tipper?

And I had no idea what that meant?

You say stuff like that all the time.

And when you mention some memory I wasn't there for,

I feel like I don't belong.

Mmm. We're sorry, Destiny.

We never meant to make you feel that way.

The last thing we ever wanted was for you to feel left out.

I just wanted to be one of you.

A real Woodchuck.

But you are a real Woodchuck.

And we're creating great new memories together all the time.

Like what?

Like, remember the time you stripped that snake naked?

Yeah.

And remember the time we went to the woods to initiate you

and we all ended up in a trap, about to die?

Good times.

And remember the time I pretended Ravi's food was delicious

and told everyone they should eat it

while secretly sneaking Chinese food for myself?

Too soon?

ALL: Yes!

If we make contact with the creature,

I'll do the talking.

How? What does a part-cow, part-pig, part-duck sound like?

Moo-oink-quack-quack, moo-oink!

You speak pig-duck-cow?

What did you say?

Loosely translated, "Please creature, eat the tall one."

I am the tall one. (CHUCKLES)

Hey!

When we see it, I'll take his picture, and then, bam.

I'll be the smart guy who discovered a new species.

Wait, how did you get my tablet? The office is locked.

Is everyone at this camp a cop?

(SHUSHES) Did you hear that?

The psycho is coming for us.

I'm so sorry my stupid Chinese food

got us into this mess.

It's okay. We accept your apology.

Really? No!

But I don't want the last thing I say to be rude.

We're out.

Destiny!

You picked the lock on the door?

Yeah. Being an escape artist

got me first place in the Miss Houdini pageant.

The girl who got sawed in half took second. A third.

Hide!

Are you ready to see your creature

and be immortalized as a brilliant scientist?

I am. Thanks for believing in me.

You're welcome.

And I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you're not smart.

In your defense, once it took me six hours

to get through a revolving door.

The psycho killer is coming towards us.

It's not here.

Must have escaped.

I've got this.

Eat brick, psycho!

(GRUNTS) Whoa! Stop!

It's Ravi. There's been a mistake.

There's been no mistake!

I never trusted him!

No, no. Okay.

We all want to see Ravi get hit with a branch,

but we have more important things to worry about right now.

The beast got out of its cage!

What are you talking about?

We were in the cage!

Wait, are you calling us beasts?

Zuri, give me that branch! No!

It's a new species that has the bones of a duck, cow and pig!

And it escaped! ALL: What?

Oh, I see what's going on, now.

There's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.

So, your perfectly legal, logical explanation is,

you've been eating take-out, then burying the bones to hide the fact

that you hate my food? Hey!

I said it was logical. I didn't say you'd like it.

But then, why did you support my 'Almost Meat; cooking initiative?

'Cause I was never gonna eat it.

But Ravi, there has to be a creature out here.

We saw the blood splatter.

And I heard the vicious growling with my own two hearing holes.

(GROWLING)

What? Y'all want in on this?

Well, tough tooties.

For shame! I cannot believe you'd lie to me for...

...Mmm. The most flavorful morsel that has ever danced upon my taste buds.

Ravi, slow down. I think you just ate the bone.

Hey, what about the 'Almost Meat'?

I thought you loved that stuff.

No way. It tasted like broccoli cooked inside a corpse that's colic.

Well, that image is going to run around my brain a while.

Okay, from now on I will serve lean real meat.

Now, hook me up with some sweet and sour sauce.

Oh, well, I can't believe I didn't discover a new species.

I'm sorry, buddy. I know that was important to you.

It wasn't only that. I also wanted you to think I was smart.

Finn, you are, and you're a scientist now.

You had a theory, and you tested it.

But I was proven wrong.

All scientists hit roadblocks.

You just have to keep trying. You'll get there.

So you think I still might find a new creature out here?

Maybe, but remember,

if you find a bunch of old bones and a used wet wipe,

it's probably just barbecue.

Come on guys, let's go home.

Destiny, what's the matter?

It's past midnight, and I didn't complete the final task.

So I'm not an official Woodchuck.

At least we're not stuck in a cage, about to be killed by a psycho.

So, cheer up.

Wow, the bar for happiness is really low around here.

Wait a second. The final task was to help a Woodchuck in need.

You freed us from that cage.

And we Woodchucks really needed to get out of there.

You're right! That means I completed the final task. I did it!

I'm a real Woodchuck!

Yay!

DESTINY: Don't you love this year's official Woodchuck portrait?

It's the best ever.

And look, you didn't even put a hat on me.

No, I didn't have to. Turns out, sweet and sour sauce makes a great hair gel.

Well, we finally have four full-fledged official Woodchucks.

Actually, just one. You guys still haven't done the initiation ritual.

Don't worry. I know we can find a snake who's itching for a rematch.

Thanks for coming with me to look for my toy car.

No problem. And you promise it's not plastic this time?

Of course not. It's wood.

What is so confusing about a metal detector?

Oh! I thought it was a detector made out of metal.

(ANIMAL GRUNTING)

Did you hear that?

Is that what I think it is?

No, it can't be.

(ANIMAL GRUNTING)

(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)

What did you just say to it?

Nothing.

Did you just tell it to eat me?

No, but, just in case something was lost in translation, run!