Original subtitles

♪♪

And there is another pine tree!

(CHUCKLES) Is this not thrilling?

Only if there's presents under it.

Yeah, Ravi, usually your hikes are fun, but I give this one a big...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

And that's on a scale from... (RETCHES)

To... Eh.

Ooh, look... Mud!

Oh, so mud gets a "Ooh!" while my pine trees get a...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Good consistency.

Texture on point.

Robust flavor.

Should we be worried about Jorge?

We should always be worried about Jorge.

I mean, this is the perfect mud for sliding! Come on!

I can't. My mother doesn't let me get messy.

I have to eat ribs in the shower.

Which does nothing for the flavor.

Sliding in the mud sounds fun.

The only thing I slid on in New York was dog poop.

Forget it! It is dangerous.

It has rocks, sticks, and it is directly downhill from the outhouse.

Okay.

Bye, mud.

See you later...

In my dreams.

He wants to dream about mud?

You think that's the weirdest thing about Jorge?

For two weeks, his best friend was a tetherball.

JORGE: Hey! You leave Gerald out of this!

♪ Here we go

♪ We're leaving the city behind right now

♪ Let's gather by the campfire light

♪ And sing this song

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka

♪ Hanging out with someone new

♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe

♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka

♪ Got a s'more in my hair

♪ Mosquitos in our underwear

♪ Shower's broke but we don't care

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home

♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

So, Emma, tonight's our fiftieth date.

And to celebrate, I'm taking you to the old lighthouse!

(GASPS) You mean that five-star seafood restaurant where every oyster

comes with a pearl necklace?

No, it's an actual old lighthouse.

It's where my parents went on their fiftieth date.

That night my dad realized my mom was the one,

and my mom realized my dad was good enough.

How romantic...

For one of them.

Hey, Lou. How'd your date go?

It stunk. Even worse than this mole.

Oh, you misread the menu. That's just mole.

In that case, it smells pretty good.

What was so bad about this guy?

He was a wimp, like all the guys now.

What happened to the manly men of olden times?

I think they're all dead.

Hey, who says modern men aren't manly?

Yeah, there're plenty of tough guys left.

Like my man.

Thanks, sweetie.

Can you pass me my hand cream?

Even tough guys need to moisturize.

Since it is going to rain all day, let us play a fun indoor game!

I spy with my little eye...

Three kids who are bored and about to cry.

Actually, I was thinking of this cup.

Ravi, even I think this is boring,

and I once wrote a term paper on the number three.

You know what would be fun, Ravi?

One of those great board games you make.

I thought you hated Dewey Decimal Land.

You dumped your juice all over Non-Fiction Forest.

Because I was frustrated

that I didn't get to stop at the Dictionary Depot.

Understandable.

I have been working on a game about America's independence.

It has political intrigue, and a colorful spinner.

Both? (SCOFFS) Yes!

I shall return in one hour.

Prepare for a revolution of the mind.

Okay, you heard the man.

We have an hour.

To do what?

Rip off our arms so we don't have to play the game?

No, to slide in the mud!

Oh, cool! I'm glad we got that straight

before I ripped off my arms.

Come on, Tiffany.

But Ravi specifically said we couldn't.

Ah, who cares?

(SIGHS) Okay, fine.

BOTH: Yes!

And after that, we'll play Ravi's history game!

BOTH: No!

But he said it has a colorful spinner!

(CHUCKLES) Man, this place is great.

I knew it'd be perfect for our fiftieth date.

It's so romantic.

The sky, the ocean...

The Lou!

Thanks again for letting me tag along. Since I'm, you know...

Single.

Let's light this bad boy up.

It doesn't look like it works.

Too bad.

I've been working on my shadow bunnies for years.

Isn't that just when you hold two fingers up?

Well, yeah, but you gotta wiggle 'em.

Hey, guys, check it out.

This must be the old lighthouse keeper's journal.

Oh. Oh.

Well, hello, good looking!

Mama likey.

That must be the lighthouse keeper.

Oh, he's a keeper all right.

Hey, calm down, you are drooling on the picture.

Oh. "April 17, 1916.

"'Tis freezing today, but I am shielded from the biting wind

"by the embrace of my lovely wife..."

There she is, the light of my life.

Next to the light in my life.

Oh, Tucker, you are the manliest of men.

And that includes Larry the logger,

who's had a full beard since he was eight.

Thank you, Lou.

And your beauty has inspired me to write

no less than five classic sea chanteys.

(SIGHS) How I love to watch you hoisting the blubber that you cut

from the whale you harpooned with your own two rugged hands.

Ooh, callousy.

I feel another chantey coming on!

I bet this Tucker was a real man's man.

And he is rockin' that peacoat.

Looks like he came right off a box of fish sticks.

If he were alive today, I bet we'd be soul mates.

Ugh, gross! He'd be, like, 120.

That's okay. I like mature men.

Too bad I'll never find my real-life Tucker.

Hey, I'm Bronson.

Found him! Dibs.

(WHOOPING)

Mud, shake hands with my butt.

(WHOOPING)

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Wasn't that awesome? Yeah!

And I thought mud was just for throwing at mimes in Central Park!

I don't know, you guys. I don't think we should be doing this.

Ravi told us not to.

It seems so wrong.

But which makes it feel so right!

Okay, I'm going for it.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS) So messy!

So amazing!

I'm dirty, Mother!

Dirty! And I love it!

(LAUGHING)

So, the guy in this picture is Tucker, your great grandfather?

Yes. I come up here to feel closer to him.

I like to keep the old place fixed up.

It gives me an opportunity to think...

About the sea, and man's mortality.

Wow.

Usually my thoughts are just about smoking brisket.

Maybe you could cook for me sometime.

Wait till you try my secret sauce.

I never give away the recipe.

Okay, you wore me down, it's ketchup.

(CHUCKLES)

So, do you live in town?

No, I prefer a simpler life.

I built myself a cabin in the woods.

He built a cabin!

And I hunt for my own food.

He hunts for food.

But I do have a generator, so I can power my electric blanket.

I like to be cozy.

He likes to be cozy.

Cozy is good.

Bronson is perfect for Lou.

He's rugged, old-fashioned, and hecka manly.

He's not that manly. Are you kidding?

Anchors have tattoos of him!

Okay, Bronson, random question.

How much do you lift, bro?

I don't know.

How much does a moose weigh?

Well, this has been a blast.

But we should head back to camp.

I'd stay if I were you.

When a storm's getting bad, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Look.

Yep, they're up. We're staying put!

When Bronson gets done patching that hole in the roof,

I might break something else, just to watch him fix it.

EMMA: Bronson is so hunky.

But so is Xander!

Except Xander's terrified of heights.

(GRUNTS)

But he's very brave at ground level.

(GIGGLING) Wasn't that fun?

Yeah, I don't know what was better,

sliding in the mud or winning the state spelling bee.

Both required a change of pants.

Jorge, can't you go one day without scratching your butt?

I'm sorry, but it really itches!

(GASPS) We're all itching!

Oh, no! We must have slid in poison oak!

Or maybe we're itchy because of the runoff from the outhouse.

So raw sewage is our best-case scenario?

Ravi can't see us scratching.

He'll know we disobeyed him!

But I'm horrible at lying.

Whenever I do, I start giggling like crazy!

I turn into a human polygraph!

RAVI: Okay!

Who is eager to play the game of

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

(CHUCKLES) Rhetorical question, I know everyone is.

And I guarantee it will be way more fun than sliding in some messy mud.

Which we would never do! (GIGGLING)

Because we'd never disobey you!

(GIGGLING)

Is there a gas leak in here?

Lou, this lighthouse is for you,

so you'll always remember this day.

Aw, I love it!

(GASPS) Look, I'm even in the window waving.

Hi, wooden me!

That is so cute! (MOCKING) That is so cute.

And what fine detail, considering you have such big hands.

Oh, come on!

Emma, you are more beautiful than a starry night.

Let me whittle us a ship, so that we may sail away together.

Oh, stop! My boyfriend is coming back soon,

and he's masculine.

Super masculine.

Hands off my woman!

I don't want to see you or your neck hairs near her again!

Or else what?

Or else...

You will feel the wrath of my enormous hands! (GASPING)

Let me down!

You're mean! (SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMS)

(WATER SPLASHES)

Now get ready to be kissed by a real man.

(GASPS) Xandy!

Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS) (THUDDING)

Bronson, are you okay?

You didn't hurt your biceps, did you?

They're two of my three favorite parts!

Xander, what did you do?

Nothing! I was just going in for a kiss!

What? What? I said I called dibs.

(SPINNER RATTLES)

Oh, I spun a three.

Oh, no, the British are coming!

Paul Revere, let us ride!

(IMITATES NEIGHING)

Uh-oh! My piece is dusty! Better clean that!

(SIGHS) Oh, sweet mercy, it feels so stinking good!

To learn.

I like learning as much as the next guy,

but do not be a creepo about it.

Uh... Ooh, it's my turn!

Now, do I want to spin a one-if-by-land, or a two-if-by-sea?

Let me think.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

I want to think, too!

Okay, enough!

I know you all have poison oak.

BOTH: What?

You all are itching like crazy,

and now Tiffany's face is breaking out in red splotches.

Would you believe it's puberty?

No.

Okay, the truth is, we got poison oak when we were...

Uh! Walking back to camp from your hike!

Yes, exactly!

It was probably one of those vines at the camp entrance.

Why did you not say something earlier?

Because you were so proud about your hike.

And we didn't want you to feel bad.

Right, Tiffany?

(GIGGLING) Yes.

Everything they say is true.

(GIGGLING)

Puberty giggles. We've all been there, right?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I can't believe you did that to Bronson!

I didn't mean to kiss him... I mean, knock him down the stairs!

By the way, I'm sure he'll be fine, since he's so big and tough.

Are you jealous? Yes!

You obviously like that kind of guy.

Okay, fine.

The truth is, it's refreshing to meet a guy who doesn't use an app

to decide which way to part his hair!

It's more complicated than you'd think!

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

What was that?

Look, it's a ship!

And it looks like it's headed right for the rocks!

If only there was some way to warn them!

You mean like a lighthouse?

Oh, right.

This is torture.

We deserve it. It's what we get for lying.

Eh, it's not that bad.

At least they give you this free pink juice.

That's calamine lotion.

Well, at least now my gums won't itch.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Okay, there is something I have to do.

I hope you're just going to clip my toenails!

Chillax.

I am just going to clear that poison oak.

What? No, it's dangerous out there!

True, but as a CIT, I am duty-bound

to protect this camp from all itching hazards.

I am off!

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Guys, I'm really worried!

Me, too!

Ravi once got blown across the room by a fan.

On low!

We gotta get this light working

so that the ship doesn't crash into the rocks!

We can't! There's no fuel to light it!

(THUNDER CRASHING) Whale blubber!

Metal canisters! Stinkle forest!

See? I can say random words, too.

No, I read in Tucker's journal that the beacon runs on oil rendered from whale blubber.

And he stored it downstairs in metal canisters.

Okay, someone needs to go get that oil and bring it up here to light the...

Lou, I appreciate your wanting to help, but we're in the middle of a crisis.

Just let Xander and me handle this.

Um...

By "Xander and me," did he mean, "the men"?

I don't think he meant it like that.

That whale oil is very heavy, so obviously a man should lift it.

Apparently, he did.

Don't worry, I'm just the man to do it.

I'm so manly, I may even bring you back a whole whale!

Um, they don't eat people, do they?

Just get the oil! That ship is getting closer!

(THUNDER CRASHING) Ladies, please don't stress.

It's bad for your complexion, and everyone knows

a woman's face is her treasure.

Bronson, you're being really sexist right now.

Yeah! Although to be fair, I was on the cover of Treasure Face magazine.

Lou, I thought you loved that I was old-fashioned.

I didn't know you were an old-fashioned jerk.

Just sit there and look pretty.

Yeah, the ladies got this.

We need to make a giant candle to get that beacon lit, fast!

Uh... Here! We can use this to make a wick!

Tendons snapping...

Muscles ripping... Xander, I can't believe you lifted that!

I know! Pour it in the lantern! Quick!

Hurry!

Wait, the beacon is facing the wrong way!

We have to rotate the reflector so it points towards the ocean.

I'll push it!

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(GRUNTS) It won't budge!

It must be rusted in place!

I need my hand cream!

Oh, Xander, this is not the time to moisturize!

No, I mean, my hand cream could lubricate the base of the beacon! Come on!

The ship is almost on the rocks!

(METAL CREAKING) It's moving!

Oh, Xander, you did it!

(PANTING)

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

The ship sees the light! It's turning away!

We saved everyone on that ship!

And the lighthouse now smells delightfully coconut-y.

(LAUGHS)

I hope Ravi's okay.

It's raining really hard.

I do not feel good about this.

Me neither. Although, it might be because I'm burping up mud.

We need to go find Ravi!

(THUNDER CRASHING) (RAVI YELLING)

(GASPS) Found him!

Ravi, are you okay?

Sure.

I'm just a little tired from cutting that poison oak,

but getting hit by lightning perked me right up.

Ravi, you're going to be okay! We're going to call for help.

No! It is too late for me.

But at least I will die having created a super rad board game.

This is all our fault!

We lied. We got the poison oak

from sliding in the mud after you told us not to!

We're so sorry, buddy.

Please don't die, Ravi.

I love you.

Come on, Ravi. Say something!

Baboosh!

ALL: Baboosh?

Wait, you're okay?

Considering the gridlock in Congress,

are any of us okay?

So...

You faked getting hit by lightning?

Like, duh!

I was out on the porch the entire time.

How could you lie to us?

You lied to me about sliding in the mud!

How did you know?

Well, you were all quite peeved when I forbade you to do it.

(SCOFFS) Also, Jorge threw all his muddy clothes in a pile on the cabin floor.

BOTH: Jorge!

Hey! You guys knew I was the weak link when you brought me on board.

Maybe next time you will all listen to me

when I say you should not do something.

Probably not, but it's good to have goals.

What Zuri means to say is that we're sorry we lied.

And I'm sorry I took a sip of that calamine lotion.

Now I'm gonna be poopin' pink for a week.

A week?

I also ate a bunch of erasers.

Xander, I'm really sorry

I made you feel threatened by Bronson.

It's okay.

I get that you want a guy like that.

His muscles have muscles.

Who cares? You're strong and brilliant.

And your hand cream saved the day.

I'm strong and brilliant?

(CHUCKLING) Stop.

Okay, keep going.

My point is, you're amazing.

And I can't wait for our fifty-first date.

Me too.

And I know this really awesome abandoned sawmill! And...

Dinner and a movie it is.

I can't believe I ever liked you

just because you were old-fashioned and charming,

and chiseled like a marble statue, and...

Stop it, Lou!

Just because I'm kind of old school, does that make me so terrible?

Yes! You need to get with the times!

You sound like my twin brother.

We're complete opposites.

Wait a minute. You have a twin brother?

Yeah, he's weird.

He's a bull rider, and getting his PhD in Women's Studies.

Where can I find him?

He's probably back up at the lighthouse.

He goes up there every night to write his poetry.

See you! (GRUNTS)

But I can't walk!

So? Use those biceps and crawl home.