Original subtitles

♪♪

What are you doing?

It looks like the leaning tower of...pizza!

May I take that back?

I will forgive.

But I will never forget.

So what are you doing?

Matteo, I've discovered I have a gift.

Stacking.

I mean, look at her.

She's beautiful.

Like, an example of something beautiful.

Uh, I hate to say this,

but I think it just might be a big pile of nothing.

Whoa! Look at that big, beautiful pile of nothing.

See? This kid gets it.

Greetings, fellow stacking aficionado.

Come and enjoy the nothing from this angle.

What happened to you?

Well, I finally got the courage

to go into that creepy crawlspace under my cabin.

Because I accidentally fell through

some rotting floorboards and landed in it.

Every time I think about that crawlspace, I get chills.

I'll bet it's haunted.

Well, as it turns out, it's a shame we were all scared of it for so long.

Did I feel a cold hand on my neck while I was down there? Yes.

Am I sure I heard someone whispering in Latin?

Absolutely.

But look at this box of Jedediah Swearengen's old things I found.

Cool. Definitely makes up for being cursed.

Jedediah's spectacles.

His winter underwear.

His...list of camper fatalities.

Anyhoo, there are more boxes where this came from.

And I'm gonna use what's in them

to turn this area of the mess hall

into the "Jedediah Heritage Corner."

Why?

Why?

Our great camp history is part of what sets us above Camp Champion,

that soulless snob factory across the lake.

In some people's opinion.

I agree with Lou.

Good. Because you two are gonna be helping me

sort through all the boxes.

What? No!

I just agreed with you to get points with the boss,

not to get extra work.

See, this is what happens

when you pretend to be a nice person.

I am not going in that haunted crawlspace.

There is no such thing as ghosts.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

But whatever that was, it must have gotten past that ring of salt I left.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Noah. You wanted to see me?

Yeah! I'm just having a few one-on-ones with some campers.

You wanna go one-on-one with me?

What? No! I just wanna have a chat to get to know you better.

Okay.

Whatcha got?

Well, I brought a list of some fun questions

to kick off the conversation.

Question one. What's your idea of a perfect Saturday?

Depends. Do I have a crossbow?

Uh... No crossbow.

Great. So on my perfect Saturday, I'm getting my hands dirty.

Okay, question two.

Um, what's your favorite movie?

I've never actually seen a movie.

Wait. Not even Star Battles?

What's Star Battles?

Only the greatest movie in the history of movies.

Have you been living under a rock this whole time?

Yes. That's where my parents built the shelter.

I found more long underwear.

Ooh! Is there a flap on the back

for the founder's tushy?

Say what now?

You're a real Jedediah fan, aren't you?

We're actually called "Jed Heads."

He was such a great man.

Whenever I'm at a loss, I always ask myself, "What would Jedediah do?"

And the answer is always nothing, because he's dead.

Turns out it's not a very helpful exercise.

Well, there was one thing he did when he was alive,

paint pictures of cross-eyed dogs.

"Jedediah's Daily Log."

Guys, I think this is his diary.

Finally, something interesting!

Destiny, we can't read that.

What do you mean? He's your hero.

Aren't you interested in who he had a crush on?

Who he was in a fight with?

That time he gave himself really unfortunate bangs?

I'm so sorry, but we cannot violate his privacy.

If the man was concerned about privacy,

he wouldn't have saved his butt flaps

for future generations to find.

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't feel right. This one stays in the box.

I'm gonna go recheck the crawlspace for things I might've missed.

It gets really dark down there,

and every flashlight I've used stops working.

If you don't come back by sunrise, we'll send a search party.

Or you could ask yourselves why you waited

until sunrise to come look for me.

ALL: Ooh!

Mmm, what's going on?

The Stacker just finished his greatest stack yet.

He's out-stacked himself.

The Stacker?

You got a nickname just for stacking things?

I guess I'm kind of a hero to these kids.

Frankly, it's embarrassing.

So embarrassing that you're wearing a T-shirt that says "The Stacker"?

Oh, is that what it says?

I can't read upside down.

I can't believe you got a camp nickname before I did.

All last summer I tried to get people to call me "The Pi Guy."

Huh?

The math concept of pi.

You know, like, 3.14159265...

No wonder why you didn't get a math nickname.

Your counting is all out of order.

Look, I'm happy for you.

I just wish I had a nickname, too, that's all.

Sweet Matteo, you only get a cool nickname

by doing something no one else can do.

Like stacking things on top of other things.

But I can do that.

Tut-tut, my young friend.

I think not.

Got it!

You took the diary?

Yep. Ready to hear all of Jed's juicy secrets?

Not-so-fresh gossip from the 1800s?

No, thank you.

I would rather hang out with the creepy crawlspace ghost.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

Touchy, touchy.

"Fifth of May. Whilst fording the river, the wheel fell off our wagon."

Ooh, wheel drama? Tell me more.

"Third of July. We are stranded in the middle of the river,

"attempting to grease the wheel.

"Ninth of August. Wagon wheel is still..."

What is with this guy and wheels?

I'll just skip to his last entry.

"First of September. The water supply is green,

"the crops have died, and I have unwittingly unleashed

"a ghost in this crawlspace."

That explains a lot.

"I have made too many mistakes.

"I fear it is time to move on."

Move on? Yeah, what does that mean?

"I have decided to found a new camp across the lake

"and to change my name to something that shuns failure.

"Something like... (GASPS)

"Jedediah... Champion."

Champion, as in Camp Champion?

So Lou's hero quit Camp Kikiwaka

and started the camp she hates?

BOTH: Lou can never find out about this!

Don't worry, I'm sure Lou has forgotten about the diary.

Hey guys, have you seen that diary?

Nope. Not once. Not ever.

Well, just once, earlier.

But definitely not since then.

And besides, you didn't want to read it,

and I don't want to read it, so why am I still talking?

See, I thought about what you said

and I realized, this isn't just a diary.

It's a historical text from our camp's founding father.

A founding father who didn't leave much more behind

other than long underwear in every shade of brown,

and a raccoon skin cap with the legs still on it.

But we can all learn from his exemplary life.

So I've decided to give a small talk to the camp

about the Jedediah artifacts,

and I'm gonna read from that diary.

I'm calling it my Jed Talk.

So, are you sure you haven't seen that diary?

I left it right in this box.

Okay, we did see the diary.

But... But...

I was reading it and then I dropped it.

In the outhouse. Right down the out hole.

You brought the diary inside

a century-old, broken, rickety,

windowless outhouse, hmm, to read?

Well, I didn't get very far...

Duh.

But the part where he was dropping off

the first campers at the pool was surprisingly topical.

You guys, come on. What really happened to Jed's diary?

What aren't you telling me?

(SIGHS) Honestly, Lou...

Ghost!

Which one?

The old weeping woman or the small child with large hands?

Well played.

(MOVIE THEME PLAYING ON LAPTOP)

No, keep watching all the credits until it's completely over.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Okay, it's completely over.

So, did you love Star Battles?

Dumb question. Of course you loved it.

But how much did you love it?

Um, so much.

I knew it. What was your favorite part?

I guess when the Swarm Commandos were firing lasers

and it was all "pew-pew, pew-pew-pew, pew-pew."

Hold that thought.

I've had to go to the bathroom for an hour,

but I didn't want to miss a moment of you not missing a moment.

Sorry, Ava. I just really have to...

I recognize a pee-pee dance when I see one. Carry on.

Hey, Gwen, you okay?

No! I've been watching Noah's terrible Star Battles movie.

It was so dumb.

The main character fights an army of soldiers, but none of them can take him down?

Then the big bad guy just fires lightning out of nowhere.

And what kind of futuristic weapons make the sound "pew-pew-pew"?

So not a fan?

Not at all.

The only good thing is that the movie is over

and I'm done with Star Battles forever.

(GIGGLES)

Why are you laughing?

Gwen! You should take a bathroom break, too.

And get food. We'll start in on the other eight movies when I get back.

That's why.

What are you doing?

Stacking. See? I told you I could do it.

You also said a stack was just a "big pile of nothing."

I just wanted to show you it could be done

with some structural engineering and simple math.

Math? So you cheated?

I didn't cheat. I did my homework.

So you admit it?

Whoa, looks like we've got a new "The Stacker" in town.

Really? I have a nickname?

No, I'm The Stacker. The original Stacker.

Read the shirt, people.

Two stackers in one camp, with such different styles.

What a time to be alive.

Matteo's not a stacker. Yes, I am.

The Stacker is right.

Which Stacker is right?

The... Stacker. The one who... I mean, you're both...

(GASPS) We need a Stack Off.

What's a Stack Off?

Uh... Obviously, you make back-to-back stacks

and whoever stacks the fastest,

stacks the highest, and whose stack stays stacked

is the stacker you wanna back.

Does that track?

I'm in.

Fine. Then so am I.

Prepare to lose.

You prepare to lose.

No, you prepare to lose.

No, you prepare to lose.

No, you prepare to lose.

Dudes. Save it for the Stack Off.

This is gonna be the greatest day ever,

or my nickname isn't... "The Nickname Giver."

Hello, Gwen.

Hello, Noah?

Are you ready for the next two movies of the first trilogy,

that is the best of all time,

with the possible exception

of the second and third trilogies?

You know I am.

Because I told you I loved the movie,

which set a sequence of events in motion

that I now can't escape.

Great! But before we start, I got you something

that will make this viewing experience perfect...

So, do you love it?

Words cannot express how I'm feeling right now.

It's actually kind of warm.

Duh. You Bok-Boks live on a desert planet.

Oh, here's a classic.

How does a Bok-Bok get from place to place?

You walk-walk.

Get it? Bok-Bok, walk-walk?

Now you can get those inside jokes.

Noah, there's something I need to tell you.

Wait, me first.

I am so happy I can share this with you.

Really. It's like I finally

found someone who gets me.

Okay, what were you gonna say?

Let's watch-watch.

Get it?

I do, Gwen. I do.

Ava! Destiny! (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Whoopsie-daisy. Let me turn this thing off.

Is that for your Jed Talk?

(MUSICAL VOICE) Sure is.

Sorry, that was Auto-Tune.

Still figurin' this thing out.

And speaking of figuring things out,

why won't you give me Jedediah's diary?

We don't have it, Lou. I'm sorry.

Very well.

But I promised everyone a diary reading today

so one way or another,

that's what they're gonna get.

What does that mean?

Jed Talk. I just got that.

Welcome, everyone, to the Jedediah Heritage Corner.

These artifacts are a glimpse into the life

of an extraordinary man.

May you be as inspired by him as I am.

Now, I was gonna read a passage from Jedediah's diary,

but since that's gone missing...

I guess I'll just have to read from a different diary instead.

(GASPS) That's my diary.

She won't. She's bluffing. She's not gonna.

"Dear diary..."

Ooh, she's gonna.

"...I have a crush on such a cute boy.

"I guess you could say there's a real 'fox' in Koala cabin."

Isn't that a clever turn of phrase?

Any thoughts from the audience?

Anything anyone would like to, hmm, confess?

Just be cool.

Thank goodness I'm smart enough not to have a diary.

(GASPS)

Not my book of personal thoughts and deepest feelings.

Next up, I will read the lyrics from a song entitled Secretly Sensitive.

"A soft gooey center with a hard candy shell

"Secretly sensitive, but I'll never tell."

Please stop.

Fine, we read Jedediah's diary,

but we found something out

that you definitely don't want to know.

Seriously? That's why you're hiding it?

Guys, I know Jedediah wasn't perfect.

So just tell me what it is. I promise I won't overreact.

Well, Jedediah quit Camp Kikiwaka,

and left to start Camp Champion.

I see.

Hold, please.

LOU: (OVER SPEAKERS) Jedediah, why?

How could you?

You left the place I love the most

to create the place I hate the worst?

(IN MUSICAL VOICE) Why?

Should we tell her her mike is still on?

She's suffered enough for one day.

Gwen, there you are.

I was trying to queue up the eighth Star Battles for us,

but the Internet isn't working.

The Internet isn't working? Weird.

Are those wire cutters?

Nope.

Anyway, I'm super sad we can't watch Star Battles today.

I know, it's a real bummer, but don't worry.

We still have the Star Battles novels,

the graphic novels, the novelizations of the novels,

my binder with the interviews

with the cast about the novels.

No! No, no, no, no!

I can't take it anymore.

I lied, okay? I hate Star Battles.

You do?

They're horrible. Why did they film in such a weird order?

Why do Bok-Boks have so much fur when they live on a desert planet?

How can a robot co-pilot a spaceship but still only talk in beep-boops?

And was that that guy's sister?

Why didn't you just tell me you didn't like the movies?

Because it was important to you.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Well... I guess I did make it hard for you to be honest.

I'm sorry.

But the whole point of all of this

was to get to know the real you.

Not the "you" you think I want you to be.

Are you upset? Of course not.

You're allowed to have your own opinions about Star Battles.

Even if they are dead wrong.

Thanks, Noah.

Now, what's something you actually like doing

that you want to share with me? We'll do it together.

Oh! Well, in my free time I've been getting really into spider hunting.

Seriously?

Come on, I like spider hunting under the director's cabin.

And you'll get to meet my new friends,

Old Weeping Woman and Small Child With Large Hands.

Okay, you guys both know what's at stack here.

The honor of being known as the one and only The Stacker.

So everyone, stack around

to see who will stack their claim as...

We get it, Brian. You like stack-related wordplay. Get on with it.

Geez! Talk about a stack-in-the-mud.

Okay. So, ready! Set! Stack!

No copying.

I'm not gonna copy your stack.

Says the guy who copied my nickname.

Look what you made me do. I'm losing my gift.

He's a witch.

Okay, time out.

Look, I didn't want to compete with you in the first place.

And I didn't try to steal your nickname.

Well, you did anyway.

Stacking was my thing, and you took it away from me.

Why do you care so much about it being "your" thing?

Because I only have one thing.

You don't know what it's like to be Silly Finn all the time.

I finally found something special that I can do,

and it turns out you can do it, too.

You can do lots of special things.

You're good at more than you think.

Like taking care of animals,

identifying smells,

creating smells,

and most importantly being a good friend.

A better one than I've been.

You forgot armpit-farting the alphabet.

No, I didn't.

I really am sorry that I accidentally stole your thing.

I didn't realize how important it was to you.

Well, I shouldn't have been so cocky in the first place.

You're right, stacking is just basic psychics.

It's physics. You know what? Close enough.

Maybe Brian was right. We could both be The Stacker.

What do you think?

(GASPS)

I would be honored to take your name.

Hey, Brian. From now on, Finn and I are both going to be The Stacker.

Huh? Yeah, whatever, Matteo.

Have you two has-beens seen The Hooper?

Does "Has-Been" qualify as a nickname?

No.

Aww. Did you guys come to check on me?

We actually just came for our diaries.

Cool, cool.

Again, mine's not a diary.

But I did have a lot of thoughts and feelings today

that I need to write down in my special book.

Fine, it's a diary.

I'm sorry for taking them.

And for my meltdown.

It's just that Jedediah's such a big part

of why I wanted to become a camp director.

His love for the camp, his hard work, his dedication...

But now I know all of that's a lie.

So what if he was a terrible camp director?

You're a great one.

And if he was a part of making you who you are in any way,

then it doesn't matter what else he did.

Because you're our hero.

I am?

Here's Jed's diary back, if you still wanna read it.

Thanks. But I don't think I need to anymore.

Lou, I think I know exactly

what should go in this corner

instead of a Jedediah tribute.

My picture?

I was gonna say a karaoke machine.

Cool, cool.

Why are your clothes on backwards?

(GASPS) Please don't tell me I forgot a theme day. I'll never forgive myself.

"The Stacker" didn't work out,

so we're trying to get new nicknames.

So if you could start calling us

"The Backwards Brothers" from now on, that would be great.

I look forward to not doing that.

And what's going on over here?

Well, we were hiding our diaries,

but I guess we'll have to find a new spot.

You know what? I'm just not gonna have feelings.

Happy afternoon to you, too.

Gwen, you're wrong.

Log-rolling is not as easy as falling off a log.

It's only falling off a log.

I watched 12 hours of people trying to stab each other with giant glow sticks.

There's way more where that came from.

You know, maybe scrapping this camp

and starting a new one isn't such a bad idea.