Original subtitles

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Apparently, one of the campers lost their retainer in the fire last night

during a game of "Will It Melt?"

The answer is a resounding yes.

Oh, either that, or the kid has a really weird shaped mouth.

Wow, Emma, you're really rockin' that soot.

(Chuckles) Thanks, I've been working on my smoky eye.

(Coughing) And lung.

Whoo!

C-N-O!

C-N-O!

C-N-O!

(Laughing)

Lou, you are also a fan of the chemical formula for a fulminate ion?

And this is why I eat lunch alone.

That and the giant man-eating lizard you sit next to.

No, I'm actually talking about tonight being our annual C-N-O!

Counselors' Night Off!

Boo-yah!

Yup, one night every year, we take off and throw a killer party at The Spot.

And Gladys is cool with this?

No, she's away at a "canoe conference" in Atlantic City.

But the only river she ever sees is at the Texas Hold 'Em table.

(Emma chuckling)

Emma, you should come with us!

I wrote a new song I really want you to hear.

Ooh, I'd love to go!

Well, this is awkward. You see, we go...

(Screams) She can't come!

Wow, Hazel runs really fast.

Well, it's not like she has a soul or a conscience to weigh her down.

Tonight is for counselors only.

(Snickering)

But can't we can make an exception for Emma?

Lou, she is your bestie.

Look, I wish we could, but this is tradition.

We didn't get to go when we were CITs.

Okay, I get it.

I'm really sorry, Emma.

Me, too. I'm not!

Hey, cheer up!

This is actually a great opportunity.

You and Ravi get to be in charge of a bunch of campers tonight.

Well, that sounds fun.

That's what you said about chemistry bingo.

Clearly, you have no idea what fun means.

? Here we go

? We're leaving the city behind right now

? Let's gather by the campfire light

? And sing this song

All: ? Kikiwaka

? Hanging out with someone new

? Then falling out of a camp canoe

? What's that smell? It's on your shoe

All: ? Kikiwaka

? Got a s'more in my hair

? Mosquitos in our underwear

? Shower's broke but we don't care

All: ? Kikiwaka

? This is our home away from home away from home away from home

? But watch your back A bear just ate my phone

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ?

See, Hazel?

I told you I could fit all the party supplies in here!

I think I just broke my own backpack stuffin' record!

Nope.

Ha! That's not all you broke.

What are you laughing about? Your sunglasses are in here.

You know, I think I have a shot with Xander tonight.

By "shot," do you mean you're going to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart?

No, I mean, he and Emma are just friends.

And I'm here and available. (Chuckles)

So is that molting owl in the tool shed, but that doesn't mean

Xander's gonna go out with it.

Hey, people fall in love all the time at The Spot.

Plus, I've got a new strategy.

I'm not going to hit on Xander at all tonight.

I'll just let him come to me.

Ha! You think you can go an entire night without hitting on Xander?

Yup.

Care to make a little wager?

You're on!

Loser has to teach this year's Foot Fungus Treatment Seminar.

Deal! You better get some bread,

because you're about to be elbow deep in toe jam, sister!

(Mouthing)

Hello, fellow Camp Kikiwakiacs!

May I have your attention, please?

I am Ravi and this is...

Totally unfair!

I can't believe all the cool kids get to party at The Spot,

and I'm stuck here babysitting.

Emma! Her name is Emma.

And tonight, we are going to be your counselors!

Yay!

Boo!

Zuri, a little respect, please.

Sorry, I smell substitute teacher blood in the water, and I just attack.

Hey, since there are no real counselors here,

that means we can do whatever we want!

Awesome.

Party in the Woodchuck cabin!

Let's go! (Children cheering)

Ravi: Wait! Wait!

Nobody is going anywhere.

That means you, too, Emma. Children: Aww.

Ah, so close!

Now, I would like to welcome you all

to the edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that is

knot tying!

All: Aww...

That is the most boring thing I've ever heard.

And later, we will stain glass like there is no tomorrow!

I stand corrected.

Okay, who is ready to get knotty?

All: Boo!

Okay, that one I deserved.

You'll never be able to make it through tonight without flirting with Xander.

(Scoffs) Please.

I got this whole thing under control...

(Gasps) Whoa!

Hey.

Oh, boy.

Wow, Xander, looks like you need to make a trip to the vet

because these pythons are sick!

Thank you.

(Gasps) What do you think, Hazel?

Meh.

I try not to think about his arms.

I really, really try...

(Shudders)

Would you like a cookie or are you just gonna keep eating your lip?

Hey, you're cheating!

All's fair in love, war, and funky feet!

Well, I'm staying strong.

(Gasps) Holy hunkiness, Xander's about to chop wood!

And you're looking at him like a cartoon wolf looks at a T-bone.

Ahh-oooh-ga!

(Mouthing)

Okay, campers.

This next activity is designed to teach you teamwork and problem solving!

Is it about solving our "lack of having fun" problem?

Do the words "Puzzle Palooza" answer your question?

Unfortunately, yes.

(Sighs) Ravi, just let them do what they want.

Maybe, after this, we can piece together my dreams of having a good time.

Look, Emma, I could really use your help here.

(Sighs) Sorry.

I just really wish I was at that party tonight.

Watching Xander sing the song he wants to play for me,

chop wood with an ax, fend off Hazel with an even bigger ax...

Wait, are you and Xander back together?

Why do we have a camp newsletter

if we're not going to talk about the juicy stuff?

No, we're still just friends.

But tonight seemed like it could be the perfect opportunity to change that.

Well, The Spot is a magical place.

Mr. Daddy said that he hated Mrs. Mommy when they first met at camp.

But then, one night at The Spot, they fell in love.

Anywho, back to Puzzle Palooza!

O-M-G!

That sounds just like Xander and Hazel.

I now realize that is a story I should have kept to myself.

Wait a minute, Ravi, what if they fall in love tonight?

I don't think... (Scoffs) You're right, that's ridiculous.

That would never happen. Now, if you...

But you do make a good point.

The Spot is really romantic!

It's like Paris, but with less mimes and more mosquitos.

Now, how about we...

I hear what you're saying, Ravi.

I've gotta go out there.

Great girl-talk.

How are we doing on our puzzles?

(Gasps) Ow!

That was a corner piece!

The tough one's gone!

Let's get the ice cream!

(All cheering)

And that's how I saved little Malcolm from choking.

It's also how I found out the water here has bones.

(Laughing)

Wow, brave and hunky!

Don't you think, Hazel?

I will break you.

He's okay.

I mean, if you're one of those girls who likes big, strong heroes.

You know what, now would actually be a good time

to review the Heimlich maneuver.

Xander, you demonstrate.

Now, we just need someone for you to wrap your arms around.

Use Hazel!

Eh, well, actually, Lou, I was thinking it's time for the traditional CNO toast.

(Grunts) Nice try.

(In unison) We love our jobs, we have a blast,

but sometimes those kids are a pain in the neck!

Ahh, bee!

Sorry, Xander.

You should probably take that sugar-covered shirt off.

You know, 'cause of the bees.

Good looking out, Lou.

How are you not cracking right now?

Because I just jammed a fork in my leg.

Guys, guys, please stop!

Zuri, please help me end this rebellion.

No way!

If I join sides with you, then they'll turn on me, too.

Mama's gotta look out for number one.

But I must prove myself worthy of being a counselor!

Then you might want to stop that game of billiard baseball.

Billiard what now? Whoa! (Clanking)

(Cheers)

Okay, that is it!

The fun is over!

I am in charge, and I demand you all head back to your cabins at once!

Get him! (Children screaming)

(Screaming) Zuri, help!

Lou, have you noticed how sane Hazel is behaving tonight?

She actually told me to put my shirt back on.

I know!

I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of green toenails in my future.

Long story.

Well, whatever it is, I sure like this Hazel better than Psycho Hazel.

Oh, you know, I'm gonna go get some more wood for the fire.

You hear that?

I'm not psycho anymore.

So take that and shove it right in your eyeball!

And she's back.

I told you my plan would work.

Xander's warming up to me!

Xander's warming up to Hazel?

Ugh, I hate The Spot!

Ow! Stupid branch.

(Retches and coughs)

What died in here?

Dude, that's my fartin' quilt!

Instead of stinking up the whole room, I just do my thing into that.

Have a good night, Ravi.

And if you have to breathe, do it through your mouth.

Zuri, I cannot believe you are not sticking up for me.

I did.

Plan A was to cut you into puzzle pieces and shove you into a box!

You're welcome.

Hey, Xander, you must be sore after chopping all that wood.

Hazel, you want to give him a massage?

You mean rub down his rippling muscles? Gross.

Instead, why don't you play your new song, Xander?

Sure.

You know, I actually wrote it when I was in the bathroom.

Don't need to know about the process, buddy.

Gotcha.

No!

He's supposed to play his new song for me!

Stop!

(Rustling) Ow!

Next time, I'm hiding behind a rock.

Emma, you're not supposed to be here!

(Scoffs) Yeah, and now I know why!

Well, you and Xander can have each other!

What?

Score!

Emma, wait...

I don't want to hear it.

Or your song.

(Jarring chord)

Well, now you won't have to.

Well, the good news is, now we don't have to chop any more wood for the fire.

So, what do you want to do first now that CIT Buzzkill is out of the way?

(Glass shattering)

What the heck was that?

Well, if they're playing by traditional billiard baseball rules,

I'd call it a double.

(Zuri gasps)

Oh, man, we're going to be in so much trouble!

No, we won't.

Ravi is in charge, so he'll get blamed.

Wait, but if Ravi gets in trouble, he might never become a counselor.

I'm all for a little mutiny, but I don't wanna crush the guy's dreams.

It's Ravi. He's probably used to it.

Yeah, his date to the homecoming dance was a mop with googly-eyes.

(Sighs)

The sad part is, he still has her picture in his wallet.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but what we did to Ravi is kinda making me feel bad inside.

Well, if you need the fartin' quilt, you know where to find it.

I'm so sorry about your guitar, Xander,

but I was just so upset that you might be falling for Cray-zel!

Hey!

Oh, like no one's ever called you that before.

Me and Hazel?

Never.

Not if we were the last two counselors on earth.

Pigs would be flying directly out of my...

Okay, I think we get it.

Emma, why do you care so much about who I date?

When we were fishing, you said you just wanted to be friends.

I only said that because you said you just wanted to be friends!

I only said that because I thought you didn't like me in that way!

Well, I do like you.

Well, I like you more.

That's not possible.

Really?

Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know.

Ask the girl out, bunk brain!

Man, pretty people are dumb.

Emma,

will you please be my girlfriend?

(Chuckles)

Yes! I'd really like that.

(Snickers)

Wait. A. Minute!

Miss Sunshine Sugarbritches comes over here, uninvited,

your guitar winds up in the fire, and now you're dating?

I know. Isn't it romantic?

Is that all it takes to be with you?

Because I will burn your guitar, your clothes, everything!

(Screaming) I love you!

Ha! I win!

I knew you couldn't last. Always bet on crazy.

Who cares about some bet?

This whole place will burn with my love!

Come on, Cray-zel.

Let's go take a dip in the lake and cool off.

(Struggling) (Sighs)

No, put me down!

In Xander's cabin!

You know, I really do hope one day Hazel meets that special someone.

And I hope that someone is a therapist.

(Laughs)

Anyway, I know I wasn't supposed to come out to The Spot tonight,

but I'm really glad I did.

Me, too.

Wait, if you're here,

does that mean Ravi is trying to supervise 20 campers by himself?

Yeah, but he'll be fine.

He's got them doing puzzles, and tying knots, and later,

he's going to show them how to reduce fractions.

Both: He's a goner!

(Grunting)

(Groans)

It is no use, Mrs. Kipling.

I must say the campers tied some very good knots.

Curse my boring-yet-effective teaching methods!

Ravi, I'm here to end this.

Oh, dear gods!

You are going to finish me off with...

Safety scissors?

This is going to take a long time.

No! I'm here to cut you free.

I don't want you to get in trouble.

I know how important it is for you to become a counselor someday.

Dang, these ropes are too thick.

We need something sharper.

(Groans)

Yes, Mrs. Kipling, I know you have razor-sharp teeth,

but this is hardly the time for bragging.

Sheesh.

(Groans)

Please, the humans are trying to think.

She can be such a buttinsky...

I know! (Slaps)

(Groans)

(Gasps) Oh, I see!

Yes, you should chew through these ropes. My bad.

(Groaning)

(Gasps)

Thank you, Mrs. Kipling!

And now, I must go reassert my authority!

(Sighs)

But first, you may want to change your shirt.

Mrs. Kipling, you have cropped my top.

Hey, on the bright side, at least she got rid of that nasty mole.

(Groans)

Huh! Oh.

Fellow campers, it's time to show the camp across the lake how tough we are!

Charge!

(All cheering) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't pull me until I've sat on my pillow.

Charge!

(Children screaming)

Halt!

Ravi escaped!

Yes, and I am taking control of the camp!

How are you going to do that?

There's only one of you.

Two of us.

(Groans)

Make that three.

And Mrs. K and I are just itching to bust some heads!

Retreat!

Somebody pull me back!

Uh, no, Zuri.

I already tried forcing people to do what I want,

and all it got me was a bad case of Stink Nose.

And probably pink eye.

Oh, that is from crying.

Campers, I made tonight all about me, when it should have been about you.

So, what you're saying is, you're cool with us attacking the other camp?

Boys, light your arrows!

No!

(Chuckles) But I do want you guys to have fun.

So, let us quickly clean up, and then you guys can do whatever you want,

but let us not be too knotty.

(Groans)

I think she just booed.

Thanks for not punishing us, Ravi.

Other than with more puns.

Look, Ravi, I'm sorry I didn't have your back before.

I just didn't want the other campers to think I was lame.

Well, if anyone can understand that, it is I.

The pressure to be the coolest cat in the chess club

can be quite overwhelming.

Aren't there only two of you?

Regardless.

And don't worry. I'll tell Lou and Xander that I broke the window.

No, I am in charge, and I will take the fall.

Wait, maybe no one has to get in trouble.

I've got an idea.

Excellent idea, Zuri.

And nice stained-glass work, everyone.

Yeah, it looks awesome!

Who knew you could have fun with glass without breaking it?

Campers, please don't kill Ravi! He's too young to die!

Yeah, his only girlfriend was a mop!

Oh.

Well, I guess we were worried about nothing.

Awesome job, Ravi.

The camp is spotless, everybody's behaving,

and no one took over the camp across the lake.

Not yet, but soon.

Very soon.

Anyway, since all the campers have been so good,

why don't we invite everybody out to The Spot tonight?

(All cheering)

Sorry I abandoned you, Ravi.

But you did great by yourself.

You're going to be an awesome counselor one day.

Thank you, Emma.

And just to show you there are no hard feelings,

I have a quilt in my cabin I would like to give you.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Okay, everybody. So, this is a song about The Spot, a special place,

and I want to dedicate it to Emma, a very special girl.

All: Aww.

(Retches)

(Playing guitar)

? When the stars are dancing in the sky

? I start thinking 'bout a place I know

? Where young dreamers hope to meet their match

? And then a feeling begins to grow

? Ooh, ooh This is the night

? Think of the girl you're dreamin' of

? Underneath the moonlight

? Ooh, ooh This is the night

? Ooh, ooh This is the night ?

(Applauding)

Well, hello, lovebirds.

Whatcha up to?

Taking a romantic stroll, and trying not to step on possum droppings.

We're just talking about where we should go on our next date.

Oh, man! Well, we could take a canoe ride at sunset, or we could...

Oh. You meant the "two-we," and not the "three-we." I get it.

Well, your loss.

Have fun making your own balloon animals.

Anyway, congrats again on winning your bet with Hazel.

Thanks. Guess Hazel is really feeling the agony of de-feet.

(Spraying) (Coughs)

Eww! So much fungus.

Seriously? Are you growing mushrooms on this thing?

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