All language subtitles for Bunkd s01e09 Secret Santa.eng

Are you ready to admit it, Xander?

We are not lost.

We're exploring.

For five hours?

In complete circles?

I'd know exactly where we are
if Jorge hadn't eaten our map.

Again, I thought it was a candy wrapper.

Again, that doesn't explain it.

Hey, look, a cabin.

Maybe there's someone who can
help us not die out here.

Wow, look at all these signs.

"No trespassing."

"Seriously, go away."

"What are you still doing here?"

Guys, I can lead us back to camp.

Trust me. (Snickers)

You lost my trust four hours ago.

(Jorge giggling)

(Knocking)

Man: No one's home! Go away!

Great, no one's home.

Now what do we do?

Uh, sir, we were just hoping for some
directions back to Camp Kikiwaka.

Or Manhattan!

Ugh, kids.

That's it. I'm putting
up a barbed wire fence.

Sorry for bothering you, sir.

We'll go back to our fun exploring.

We're hopelessly lost.

And in desperate need of water.

With ice.

And if you could throw in some
fruit wedges, that'd be great.

You can drink from the hose if
you promise to get out of here.

Your camp's that way.

There's a 70-foot cliff over there.

(Chuckles) So, you caught me.

It's the other way.

? Here we go

? We're leaving the
city behind right now

? Let's gather by the campfire light

? And sing this song

All: ? Kikiwaka

? Hanging out with someone new

? Then falling out of a camp canoe

? What's that smell? It's on your shoe

All: ? Kikiwaka

? Got a s'more in my hair

? Mosquitos in our underwear

? Shower's broke but we don't care

All: ? Kikiwaka

? This is our home away from
home away from home away from home

? But watch your back
A bear just ate my phone

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All: ? Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ?

Okay, remember, the wax cools quickly,

so you have to apply it while it's warm.

Then press on the tearing paper,

and gently pull away
that unsightly leg fuzz.

(Screams)

That's the price of beauty, girls.

How are the girls doing
with the candle making?

Candles?

Right.

Do not put that wax on your legs.

Hey, ladies, notice
anything different about me?

You got taller?

No. Holding steady
at five-foot-four.

Okay,
five-foot-three.

But I was speaking of these gloves

that Xander got me for the
counselor-CIT gift exchange.

Oh, now you can hit a tetherball
without bursting into tears.

Exactly.

And save my tears for when I lose.

I can't believe I forgot the gift exchange.

It's how counselors and their CITs show
their appreciation for each other.

Well, then let's do it.

(Gasps) I know exactly
what I'm getting you.

And so the gift really comes from the
heart, I say we can't spend any money.

I have no idea what I'm getting you.

Okay, we're hydrated and
we know where we're going.

Let's head back to camp.

Wrong way, Magellan.

Guys, I have to go to the bathroom.

Pick a tree. Any tree.

No way. I need privacy.

I can't go unless I'm alone.

In a locked room with the lights off.

That explains the mess
in our cabin bathroom.

I can't hold it.

I have to ask that old
man if I can use his potty.

Jorge.

What now?

I hope the light's off in your
bathroom cause I'm goin' in.

I hate to intrude, but that's my camper.

Mind if I wait for him inside?

Fine, but he'd better not
touch my decorative soaps.

It's Jorge. Your soap is safe.

So... New to the neighborhood?

I can show you around.

No, he can't.

What are you doing in these parts?

Trying to avoid annoying children.

It's not going very well.

Hurry it up, Jorge!

Why are you staring at me, kid?

What did you do in there?

Nothing. We'll be leaving now.

The door's right behind you. I know.

Guys, I have something to
tell you about that old man.

Anything you learned about him in the
bathroom, I do not want to know.

He is Santa Claus.

What? See, Jorge, this is
why we don't eat maps.

That ink is messing with your brain.

Hey, Ravi, look what I'm making for Lou.

A picture frame decorated with rocks.

Why not just throw some ugly pine
needles on it, while you are at it?

You don't think Lou will like it?

Listen, this is between you and Lou.

So, if you wish to give her that
sloppy tchotchke, so be it.

Hmm. You are really
good at giving presents.

I mean, that personal makeup
artist you got me is amazing.

Oh. Thanks, Tania.

I was feeling a tad shiny.

Okay, so forget the frame.

What should I give to Lou?

Since you asked, as the gift master,
I say, think more personal.

Ask yourself, "What makes Lou, Lou?"

Well, she loves being a Woodchuck.

That is it.

You should get her a woodchuck.

Ka-blam. Gift idea domination.

You really think Lou wants a live animal?

Certainly more than a dead one.

Trust me.

Plus, I saw a woodchuck
burrowing in the Great Lawn.

Just catch it and slap a bow on it.

I hope you're right.

I really want Lou to love it.

Of course she will.

When have I ever been wrong about a gift?

Hmm, what about that time you
got Luke that giant dictionary?

He just kept hitting
you in the head with it.

But he loved it.

I saw him smiling right
before I blacked out.

You have to believe me.

That guy is Santa Claus.

If that miserable, kid-hater is Santa
Claus, I'm one of his reindeer.

I'm telling you.

When I came out of the bathroom,
I made a wrong turn and...

Xander: See?

Everyone makes wrong turns.

And I saw a really long
list of names and addresses.

That's probably his address book.

Old people write things down on paper.

I also saw a Santa hat.

So, what? I have a Yankee hat.

That doesn't make me Derek Jeter.

Okay, then explain the plate
of cookies and glass of milk.

Who, other than Santa, has cookies
and milk in his bathroom?

You.

Point taken. But that guy really is Santa.

Who cares?

Santa hasn't given me one
present in eleven years,

because I never made it onto

his "Had a Paper Published In
an Ivy League Journal" list.

What?

I'm pretty sure his lists are
just "Naughty" and "Nice."

Seriously?

You mean, Santa holds me to a
higher standard than everyone else?

What a jerk.

Guys, I would love to
believe that the real Santa

is somewhere over that hill.

Or was it that hill?

Either way, it's not him.

Yeah. That old guy is just some loner
who we'll probably have to describe

in detail to detectives someday.

Tiff, that is Santa.

And tomorrow, I'm going back to his cabin
to get off his Naughty list for good.

I'm coming with you to have a
word with that elf-loving freak.

He owes me presents for eleven
years' worth of nice behavior.

Out of my way, pipsqueak!

Okay, ten years.

(Pops cap off bottle)

Hey, Ravi. (Gasping)

Did you just open that
ginger ale all by yourself?

(Chuckling)

Yes. Why do you think I'm sweating?

Well, I'm off to go crush these petals

to make perfume for Emma
for the gift exchange.

Perfume? (Scoffs)

For Emma?

Well, since it is none of my business,

I will not mention that
it is a horrible idea.

Why?

She already has tons of perfumes.

She even has two perfumes named after
her, Emma no. 5 and Emma no. 7.

What happened to Emma no. 6?

Testing did not go well.

It did not harm the bunnies, but
the children were not so lucky.

Good. I hate the thought
of animals suffering.

So, do you know what Emma would like?

Since Emma can buy whatever she wants,
you have to give her an experience.

Why are you not writing this down?

An experience?

Oh, like taking her to a pig race?

Well, Emma is not big on pigs.

She loves culture.

There's nothin' more cultured
than a pig in a racin' bib.

Yes, yes, there is.

Like...

Well, anything.

I think you should perform an
interpretive dance to slam poetry.

But I don't know about that stuff.

I'm just a country girl.

Then I will have to help you
release your inner dancer,

find your poetry voice,
and lend you a leotard.

All righty, I'm in.

Let's do this. (Gasping) High five!

Oh, and since I'm wearing my gloves,
feel free to really let loose.

(Shudders)

Hey!

What are you doing in here?

(Gasps) And why are you wearing my tie?

I'm just here to tell
you, I've been very good.

Like yesterday, I ate half a carrot cake,

so I'm making strides
on the vegetable thing.

Don't care.

And I haven't farted on
Ravi's pillow in weeks.

Okay, days.

So, I did it yesterday,

but only because he wouldn't
let me finish the carrot cake.

Kid, you have problems.

Okay, my turn.

All my life I've been overlooked
on the present front.

I'm sure it was some clerical error

and I see no reason to
get lawyers involved.

Both of you quit your babbling, and
march your butts off of my property!

Come on, you can drop the act.

We're big fans, Santa.

What did you call me?

Sorry. Mr. Claus.

What? Huh?

I'm not Santa Claus.

I'm just an old man whose patience

is dwindling faster than
his social security checks.

So much for being jolly.

He must be crashing
after all those cookies.

(Chittering)

Ah, I see the woodchuck hunt is on.

Can I offer you a thickly-gloved hand?

No, thanks. It shouldn't take long

To outsmart this pea-brained
rodent. (Chuckles)

(Thumps) (Squeaking)

Oh, see?

Piece of cake.

Is it an invisible cake?

Darn it!

Okay, so he got one carrot.

I have a whole crate of carrots.

(Ravi chuckles) (Woodchuck squeaking)

Uh, chucked again.

Pea-brained rodent, two.

Pea-brained blonde, zero.

(Chuckles)

(Hissing)

Emma, what are you doing?

I'm putting a garden snake into this hole

to scare the woodchuck out of this hole.

Ah! Who's the pea brain, now, wood-punk?

(Hissing) (Screaming)

Get it off! Get it off me!

(Grunts)

What...

Hey, that swing did not hurt at all.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, what did the nurse say?

(Shrieks)

Does my cheek really look that bad?

Define bad.

Well, I guess Lou's
not getting her present.

That genius woodchuck kicked my butt.

(Chittering)

Well, that genius just
walked into the cage.

(Chuckling) Ha!

I own you, Chucky!

(Hisses) (Gasps)

I mean, we cool, we cool.

(Chittering)

If you're really not Santa, prove it.

Jorge, Tiffany, I told you
to leave this poor man alone.

I've been asking them to leave
for three hours straight.

Well, with a couple of cookie breaks.

Yeah, sorry.

We would have been here sooner,
but, you know, this one.

I apologize, sir.

For some strange reason,
they've convinced themselves

You're Santa claus. (Chuckles)

Hey, if I had a magic sleigh, I'd
be flying over Halle Berry's house.

Come on, if you're really not
Santa, explain all the cookies.

So I don't always make
the best dietary choices.

Who are you, my cardiologist?

Then you're really not Santa?

No! So scram! Back to your camp!

Better yet, take Mr. Carrot Cake

all the way back to
Denver, where he came from.

Wait, how'd you know I'm from Denver?

Uh...

You must have mentioned
it in all of your yapping.

No, he didn't.

I didn't even know he was from Denver.

Me, either.

Any chance you'd believe
it was a lucky guess?

You knew because you are Santa Claus!

Not exactly.

I was Santa Claus.

But not anymore.

I'm done with Christmas.

Santa, what do you mean
you're done with Christmas?

The world doesn't need me anymore.

These days you go online,
and with a click of a mouse,

a delivery man in short pants
drops a toy at your door.

We probably shouldn't mention
the same-day delivery drones.

I wouldn't.

So kids can get toys without
me flying around the world,

busting my hump, defying
the laws of physics.

But... But, nothing.

My pulmonologist says I'm
this close to black lung.

So I'm done going down chimneys, and
I'm done with this conversation.

Now get out of here.

Come on, guys.

And Xander, try using that compass I
left under your tree three years ago.

I would, but I can't find it.

I can't believe Santa has
lost his Christmas spirit.

We have to do something.

I know how we can help Santa.

Find him a dietitian?
Introduce him to Halle Berry?

No.

Santa thinks he just brings presents,
but he brings more than that,

more than any delivery man can.

And I know how to prove it
to him, and save Christmas!

Great. Tell us on the
way back to camp. Yeah.

And to guide us, we'll
just follow the North Star.

That's an airplane.

No need to help, Ravi.
(Woodchuck chittering)

I got it.

(Woodchuck hissing)

I would help, but I gave
my gloves to Mrs. Kipling.

Why? Because she wanted them.

So I had to choose between
fingerless gloves or fingerless hands.

Where's Lou?

I can't wait to give this woodchuck to her.

(Woodchuck chittering and hissing)

Listen, pal, if you don't cool
it, Lou's getting a fur coat!

(Woodchuck chittering)

All in good time.

Lou wants to give you her present first.

I present to you a
performance piece called Emma.

(Music playing)

This sapphire-eyed personification

of the aesthetic ideal the
universe birthed upon us.

Wind. Rain. Fire.

Emma.

Ravi, what is she doing?

Giving you an experience You
will never forget. (Chuckles)

I'll say.

Alien to these woods, she
took like a fish to water.

Like a bird to air.

Like a flying fish to air or water.

Before Emma, I was a tea pot.

So short. So stout.

Caught in a desperate
spiral of hopelessness...

Oops!

But then... Emma.

Profound, Lou!

Absolutely breathtaking!

(Laughs)

So, Emma, what'd you think of your gift?

I'm speechless.

Because you loved it so much?

Yeah, let's go with that.

How about you open your gift?

(Gasps)

Wow, you got me a cage

With poop. (Chuckles)

No! There was a woodchuck
in there making that poop.

That was your present.

Oh, well, thank you, but
I don't think that'd be

the best thing to keep in the cabin.

I mean, they have been
known to carry rabies.

I should have just gone with that
picture frame I was making you.

(Scoffs) Lame.

I would've loved that.

I was making a perfume for you. Lamer.

But Ravi said that you
liked interpretive dance

because you went to all of his shows.

I only went because Mom always
bought me a diamond afterwards.

That is hurtful.

I should channel my pain into a poem.

I am out like the wind.

(Blabbering)

Lou, seeing how much work you
put into that poem and dance,

shows just how much you care about me.

And that makes it a really great present.

So, thank you.

(Gasps) And you chasing around a possibly
rabid woodchuck means a lot to me.

Thank you.

Well, I guess we've
learned, sometimes the gift

isn't really about the actual present.

And that we should never listen to Ravi.

Oh, no. Santa put up an electrified fence.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

We just have to climb twenty feet up
that tree, shimmy across that branch,

then swing ourselves over the barbed wire.

Or, we could do this.

Okay, if you want to take
all the fun out of it.

All right, now we just have to scale
that rain gutter, traverse the roof line,

then slither down the chimney,
while holding our breath.

That way, we don't inhale
any toxic carcinogens.

Or, we could use the key
under his "Go Away" mat.

It's not my problem you're all out of jobs.

Can't you go make cookies and trees?

Or get gigs as Oompa Loompas, or somethin'?

Whoa.

Presents?

For me?

But... How?

(Laughing)

All: Merry Christmas!

You guys did this?

Yup. It was all Jorge's idea.

I realized you're the only one

who has never felt the
magic of Christmas morning.

Well, not the only one.

So we wanted to give you the same
special feeling you give us every year.

You were wrong. The world does need you.

Jorge: You're Santa.

You don't just bring kids
toys, you bring kids joy.

No one else can do what you do.

Wow.

I'm not used to kids showing
me the meanin' of Christmas.

Thank you.

(Laughing)

Santa is back in the Santa business.

(All cheering)

And you guys are definitely
at the top of the Nice list!

What about me?

Will I finally be getting
a present this year?

This year?

I've given you presents every year.

You have?

But I've never made it onto your

"Had a Paper Published In
an Ivy League Journal" list.

Yeah, that's not a thing.

And your mother's on the Naughty List
for lying to you and hiding your gifts.

Mother!

I just have one favor to ask you guys.

Okay, okay.

I'll stop farting on Ravi's pillow.

Not that, that's hilarious.

Not a word about this to anyone.

Because the whole cranky Santa
thing would be bad for your rep?

That, and I don't want Mrs. Claus
knowing I have a summer place.

(Chuckles)

Hey, what are you doing
standing around talking?

Open your dang presents.

Ho, ho, ho!

Let's see. (LAUGHS)

Ah. Eh, socks.

Who wants more popcorn?

All: I do!

(Woodchuck chittering)

Dang, that woodchuck is good.

(Bells jingling)

Hey, does anyone else hear sleigh bells?

As a matter of fact, I do.

From up there.

Oh.

Did you guys just see that?

Was that what I thought it was?

Yep, it was a shooting star.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho!

With a sense of humor.

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