All language subtitles for Absolute Power s02e06 The House of Lords.eng

(SIGHS)

Bugger the House of Lords.

That's exactly the PM's thinking.

And you'd like Prentiss McCabe
to handle it for you?

Well, what I'm looking for
is a public-private partnership.

So...

you'd like Prentiss McCabe
to handle it for you.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Yes.

Good.

Well, now let's get down to the
nuts and bolts of pounds and pence.

Flash git.

Very good. File under P.
For Priestley?

For Potential Porking, as in,
we now have irrefutable evidence

of my little parley with Priestley
should it all go tits-up.

Invites have gone out
for Tara's book launch.

Has Salman responded?

You advised him to rebuild his
profile. He's on tour with Busted.

Tara's book launch? I thought
she'd only managed one chapter.

If we'd waited, London would
have slipped into the Thames.

Have you seen this?
Separated at birth.

Neil Morrissey and the Duracell
Bunny. Neil's demanding a retraction.

So's Amanda Holden.

Sadly, it's too late
for both of them. Right...

Five minutes. Meeting room.
Everyone, please.

Hello, Sid.

Nick from Prentiss McCabe. Good news.

They've accepted your specialist
subject at Celebrity Mastermind.

Yeah. The McVities biscuit range
from 1975 to 1990.

But some of my closest friends
are in the House of Lords.

This is our chance to get
a foothold in Number Ten.

It's no time for mixing business
with sycophantic toadying.

Well, doesn't it strike you as odd?

I mean, here's the PM,
the great persuader,

Colin Priestley, top spin doctor,
hiring an outside PR company.

Well, I did detect the faint
scorched tang of panic in the air.

Besides, Priestley's new office is
so far away from the centre of power

that if Number Ten got nuked,
he'd merely looked tanned.

What about nasal hair?

I'm going to regret asking this, but what?

Untrimmed nasal hair.

When a chap's career
is on a downward curve

it's one of the telltale little signs.

It's how we all knew
Cecil Parkinson was on the slide.

We thought he'd have to plait his.

This has come directly
from Number Ten?

Well, from just around the corner.
But via Number Ten.

Definitely via Number Ten. Absolutely.

Where do we start?

Well, imagine
I'm the Prime Minister.

I lead a party which,
in a fit of absent-minded lunacy,

promised
to reform the House of Lords.

This party has only had 18 years
in opposition

and seven years
in Government to think about it,

so they haven't a clue.

So they bring in someone
from the outside.

I still don't know where we start.

It's quite simple.
Has anyone got a watch?

Can someone tell me
how I get Sid Owen up to speed

for Celebrity Mastermind?

Even when he's told the answers
he gets them wrong.

Can I borrow
your watch for a minute?

Thank you.

Right. I'm...

I think we're paying our employees
too much. Right.

I'm the Prime Minister
and this is the House of Lords.

So I have promised to sweep away
century after century

of unelected,
clapped-out hereditary peerage.

This undemocratic, unrepresentative
chamber must and will be smashed.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
having smashed the House of Lords,

I must now reform it.
But I'm the Prime Minister.

I'm very good at the right hand
of God stuff,

a past master
at smashing things to smithereens

but... not quite so good
at reforming them afterwards.

So I say to my expectant audience,
"Ladies and gentlemen..."

Bugger me, I've forgotten
how to do the rest of the trick.

And that's where we come in.

Tricks are us.

So, first things first.

We need a firm base from which
to spring forth and dazzle.

Number one,
what is the House of Lords?

What is it for?

Cat? Come on, you take
a keen interest in current affairs.

I'm not really into fringe groups.

So you don't know its purpose?
Not really, no.

Sorry, previous engagement.

Jamie? The purpose
of The House of Lords is?

Its main purpose, surely,
is to get up the Government's arse.

A cream bun, a Blue Peter badge

and a fellowship of the Academy
to our young colleague.

So, you see this as an opportunity
to do a terrific job

and get in with Downing Street?

If we do a terrific job then Colin
Priestley will take all the credit.

We'll have worked our backsides off
and be left howling in the wilderness.

So what do we do?

What we're going to do is trap Priestley
into making a fool of himself.

What we need are left-field ideas,
ideas so ludicrous, so off the wall

that even Ken Livingstone wouldn't
consider using them. Alison?

Of course, I'll do anything to help, Marty.

Thank you.

What are old friends for? Now...

what do you know of Colin Priestley?

Priestley? Ghastly man.

Australian and therefore of course but
a hop and a skip away from the stocks.

Why?
I have to come clean with you.

I summoned you here
under slightly false pretences.

To provide you
with a gastronomic delight

at a fraction of
West End prices, of course,

but also to approach you officially
on behalf of the House.

What? The House of Lords
needs a PR company?

Word is that this Priestley
is under orders to wipe us out.

Surely not.
And I for one will not stand for it.

This House represents
all that is great about Britain.

It is the beating democratic heart
of this great nation.

Plus I've barely dented the wine list.

Well, I don't know what I could...

Should you set your shoulder
to the wheel,

I can almost guarantee that your
application will find its way

to the very top of the pile

and the face that greets it
will be smothered

in a benevolent
and favourable smile.

We could turn the building
into a hospital?

What? The House of Wards?
Or a music college?

The House of Chords.

How about a brothel?
The House of Bawds?

I think we need to start
taking this quest

for something ludicrous
a lot more seriously.

NICK: How about getting the place
secretly sold off

to a multi-trillionaire
Russian oil magnate

and then turning the place
into a block of luxury flats?

Desirable London locations
with river views.

The GLC building's
now a luxury hotel.

But the House of Lords
isn't just about a building.

It's about the people in the building.

We pin down what to do with
them and we crack this, surely?

We could relocate
the old trumpets to Torquay.

But how do we shift
hundreds of Lords en masse?

Sunshine Coaches?

CHARLES: Well, so far, Colin,
we've got sexual depravity,

peculation of public funds
and 124 cases of tax fraud.

But there's nothing here that's
going to shock the great unwashed

into a blood-letting frenzy.

Maybe we should try insanity.

You know the sort of thing -

"Clare Short is mad..."

Well, of course
she was actually mad.

Colin, this is the House of Lords.

If we can't find clinical insanity
there, where can we find it?

Charles, we need to talk.
Yes, won't be a second.

...I suppose we...
Now.

Conflict of interest? How yesterday!
Lesley Garret's on the phone.

She can't decide between a season
of opera at the ENO

or another series of
Saturday Night Takeaway.

Well, do Ant and Dec want her to sing?
Absolutely not.

Then Ant and Dec it must be.

So, we say nothing
to Priestley or the Lords?

On the contrary,
we say lots to both sides

and bill them enormous
sums for doing so.

But ethically?

Ethically we'll never get
another chance like this.

You take Jamie and Cat,

I'll take Nick and Alison
and may the best man win.

We've spent the afternoon
deconstructing the Lords

and now you're asking us

to come up with ways to
put them back together again?

Is it such a tall order?

There are hundreds of peers and
not a decent-Iooking one among them.

It's like clubbing in Newcastle.

OK, Charles, here's the pitch.

The Government wants to reform
the House of Lords,

bringing it more in line with Government
thinking and policy making, yes?

Well, that's what
they're saying publicly.

The real agenda is to get shot of a
bunch of clapped-out troublemakers

about whom nobody gives a damn.

Precisely.

Then why not get rid of them literally
with a TRAVELLING second chamber?

So let me get this straight.

CHARLES: By all means.

You are proposing that
we replace the House of Lords...

That was the brief.

...with a travelling second chamber
called the Democrabus.

Well, it'll be a fleet
of buses eventually, but... yes.

Are you completely deranged or are
you just deliberately taking the piss?

It's a radical solution,
I grant you,

but it's one that's sure
to chime with the electorate.

The old farts are always banging on

about how they're the defenders
of democracy.

Well, let's see them get out
and meet the people, eh?

They can debate top-up fees in Totnes,
health in Harrogate, education in Essex...

Well, perhaps not Essex.

And ordinary people
will be involved?

Well, they won't actually be involved, no.

They won't change anything, but
the point is they'll THINK they are.

It'll feel democratic
and it'll get all of those peers

out of your hair once and for all.
That's the point.

Look, if you're still uncertain,

do what you always do with your
more toxic political proposals.

Label it a "pilot scheme"

and start it off in Scotland.

You see, Marty, it's our utter
detachment from democracy

that makes us what we are.

Yes, I think you may
probably be right.

If only people would
see beyond appearances.

Indeed. Although to be fair, it's not
easy seeing beyond this goose, is it?

But things are changing.

We have all sorts of riffraff
in here now.

I mean, if Bragg and Putnam can get
a seat, what price Forsyth and Wisdom?

Or McCabe?

Marty, this Government
is taking away our liberties.

And of course taking
liberties is YOUR job.

Rumour has it, they've hired
some professional outfit.

I want you to find out who this
tin-pot team are and deal with them.

Have no fear, Henry.

Prentiss McCabe know
how these things work.

First, the softening-up process,
the blackening of names,

the besmirching of reputations.

Swine.

Then the whisperings to the press,
the sensationalised stories,

before they deliver
the final coup de grace

and unleash
the dread word - "Abolition".

Bastards!

You see, what we need
is to rearrange the shop window.

We need to change the public's
perception of the Lords

as a bunch of over-privileged toffs

who, I don't know, sit around guzzling
port, stuffing themselves with game

before staggering into
the chamber and falling asleep.

No, what we need is the public face
of two thousand and...

Who's that?
Bunty Statham's daughter.

Recently taken on the title
of Baroness Statham of Chelsea.

Ah.

He's taken the bus to the PM?

Yes, we should hear the rocket
going up any minute now.

Charles, Nick Moran wants to get
onto GMTV and Breakfast Time.

Has he got a new film to promote?
No, he just wants to get on.

And Geri Halliwell wants to cancel
Richard and Judy, Des and Mel,

Parky, Jonathan Ross
and Paul O'Grady

because she's afraid
of over-exposure.

There's also an e-mail from Colin
Priestley. He wants to see you ASAP.

Do you know,
I rather thought he would.

He loves it.
What?

It's quintessentially British,
it has tradition, it has flair, it has...

wheels.

Yes.
It's also got democracy.

It's modern.

It's a bus.

It's in tune with the people,
it's blue-skies thinking.

It reminds one of childhood,
of day trips, of the seaside.

It's radical but rooted.

He wants it?

He wants the whole package.

This'll get rid of the old bastards
once and for all,

spending the rest of their lives

in some travelling, never-ending
Radio Five Live phone-in.

It'll look like sweeping reform,
but the beauty of it is that essentially it's...

totally meaningless.

It's certainly that.

It's a pity we can't acknowledge
your part in all of this, Charles.

It seems so unfair
that I get all the credit.

Doesn't it?

Still, who knows? I might be able
to swing it with the PM for you

to get a seat in the Lords.

Which would you prefer,
top or bottom deck?

The PM liked it?

So much so he wants
to pilot the idea.

I must say, by now
I fully expected Priestley

to be sat outside
the steps of Number Ten,

giving it the full Paula Radcliffe.

Is the world coming round
to our way of thinking,

or are we inadvertently
shaping the world?

One of PR's primary dictums -

if you knock on a door for long enough,
someone is sure to open it.

We're about to send our Lordships
into 'Grateful Heaven',

now I have to tell them
to go out and buy bus passes.

Do they still have the power
to hang, draw and quarter?

How long before the peers are
signed up with Wallace Arnold?

A week at most.

Then we build up the Lords
and undercut the bus idea.

We reinforce the idea that the House
of Lords doesn't need to move around

to be in touch with the people,

you can be in touch with them
from your own living room.

VOICEOVER: You've tuned in
to Big Brother,

thrilled to The Games,
yawned at The Farm.

But here's a new reality show
that gets you close

to where the decisions
that matter happen. It's here.

It's now. It's the House of Lords,
live on the Parliament Channel, 508.

Press your red button to pick a peer.

The House will take you to the place

where the celebrities are
the people who run the country.

Meet Baroness Jane Statham
of Chelsea.

Oh, God, what a dog!

So it's an 8.30 in the office...

I'm Baroness Jane Statham, yes,
but everyone calls me Jane.

I'm an hereditary peer and I take
my role very seriously indeed.

Broad range of students...

VOICEOVER: She cajoles, she rages,
she makes herself heard.

Send it back to the Commons!

If you were to put me on the spot,
I'd have to vote for...

...Baroness Amos because she really
got on my tits in the House today.

VOICEOVER: Make a difference,
make a date with Jane,

make a date with The House.

They were supposed to be
getting deeper into the shit

prior to the buses pulling up

and now all of a sudden
they've gone platinum.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Saturday nights, the Parliament Channel
is now more popular than BBC One.

Well, so is everything else.

That Statham woman
has become a cult.

She's now having an affair with some
hunky beefcake Liberal Democrat.

A hunky Lib Dem?

Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

The tabloids are calling it "Posh and
Even Posher". They're lapping it up.

Thousands of people are tuning in
in the middle of the night.

I am distraught.
The PM is... distraught.

Yes, well, all of us are... distraught.

I'm not paying you to be distraught,
Charles. I'm paying you...

I'm paying you to scupper the House
prior to us torpedoing the bastards

out of the water for good.

Look, all that's happened here

is that their Lordships have hired
some inferior little PR agency,

some Mickey Mouse outfit,
to beef up their public image a little.

It's an abortive pre-emptive strike.

But it's working.

Well, I suppose one does have
to have some grudging respect

for whatever Ryman League
kind of agency

is running their campaign,
yes, I grant you.

The PM is demanding a response.

And he shall have one. It's time to cry
havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

Today the Government have
finally unveiled their plans

for a new, reformed
second chamber - the Democrabus.

In a moment I'll be speaking
to a top Downing Street adviser.

But first, to explain how it will
all work, here's Peter Walsh.

Well, Kirsty, this is tremendously exciting.
It's a new concept in democracy.

And it's not going to be shut away in
some boring old building in London,

it's gonna be right out there
with the people. So how does it work?

OK, suppose the Government wants to
bring democracy to Barrow-in-Furness.

And off go their Lordships.

And we simply stop the bus in the
town centre and start the debate.

And the ordinary people of
Barrow-in-Furness... There they are.

They simply join in the debate
and all they have to do is get on the bus.

What's so radical about this proposal
is that the ordinary voters take part

and vote on an exactly equal footing
with their Lordships.

It's direct, instant democracy.

All right. Now let's bring
democracy to Devon. There they go.

Oh, dear, some ordinary people
have fallen off the bus. Never mind.

There's been a lengthy period
of speculation

over this Government's intentions

concerning the thorny issue
of House of Lords reform

and... and... and... and
now we know. Kirsty.

Well, with me is Colin Priestley,
the Number Ten press secretary.

If the Lords are so hugely popular

as we've been led to believe,
then why change anything?

Well, like the rest of the nation,
I applaud the House of Lords

for proclaiming their belief
in democracy so vociferously.

And the Government is happy to have the
Lords on board, as it were, so to speak.

Isn't the truth of the
matter that this pilot

is just another piece of spin from
a Government obsessed with gimmicks?

Well, every time this Government
has attempted something truly radical

we get the same old
cynicism from the BBC.

We devolved power to Scotland
and the critics sneered.

We even gave
power to the bloody Welsh...

To the... admirably bloody-minded
Welsh people, whom frankly I love,

and again the critics sneered.

So, you know, when will
the BBC give us some credit?

This is a genuinely
radical experiment in democracy.

OK, then, so what route will this magic
bus take for a radical experiment?

Well, we thought
we'd actually start in Birmingham,

the heart of the nation, the epicentre
if you like, and then fan out from there.

We anticipate that this campaign
will be a resounding success.

Well, congratulations, Charles!

The Democrabus sails triumphantly off
into the sunset, crammed with irate peers

and Colin Priestley standing
in the prow, Lord of all he surveys.

Well, our mission is a trifle more
complicated than once it was,

I grant you.

But that needn't hurl us all
into a slough of despond.

Well, how are we going to save
my peers and crucify Priestley now?

The buses could have
a breakdown on the M1.

Stop the caravan before it gets going.

Or make sure that no-one
turns up in Birmingham.

Cancelled due to lack of interest.
CHARLES: Or...

we make sure the Democrabus
is an unqualified success.

Do you want me assassinated?

What is the point of the Democrabus?
Its avowed point?

It's an exercise in democracy.
Precisely.

And true democracy is an untameable
beast, wild and uncontrollable.

So what we need is for the Democrabus
to be a real exercise in democracy

with genuine ordinary people kicking up
a hell of a stink about every damn thing.

My God, the PM would hate it.

It's a pretty broad trawl,

but we've tried to pinpoint the key issues
for the punters to pick up on -

top-up fees, waiting lists, trust
hospitals and, of course, Iraq.

Of course.

The emphasis is on direct
personal experience

coupled with a coruscating fury
at the Government.

Well, let's light
the blue touch paper, shall we?

Let me tell you straight away,
Mr. Prentiss...

Please, call me Charles.

No soft-soap stuff
will cut any ice with me.

Straight in with the mixed
metaphors, splendid.

I'm a plain man from Birmingham.

Patently.
And I've had enough.

Good.

Good. Enough of what exactly?

Harry's been broken into 150 times.

I demand to know
what's going to be done about it!

Excellent. Well, thank you for coming in
and being so time-consuming.

My husband waited for
a hospital bed over 11 months.

Didn't we have a 15-monther earlier?

Um...

Mrs Lee.
Then we go with Mrs Lee... Goodbye.

Your son served in Iraq?
Yes.

This is the kind of story
that tugs the heartstrings

and makes one ashamed to be British.

How did you lose him?

He's not lost, he's at home.

He feigned his death
and returned home?

He didn't feign anything.

He came home five months ago,
honourable discharge,

but he's been having terrible headaches.

He's not dead?
No.

Well, then you're
wasting our time. Goodbye.

My word, isn't democracy terrifying?

Good evening. The Government
was thrown into confusion tonight

after the latest outing
of the reformed Second Chamber,

the Democrabus, attracted
nearly triple the expected crowds.

In Exeter, Liverpool and Norwich, buses
had to be closed for safety reasons.

And in Middlesbrough a local MP
was said to have faked a heart attack

in order to remove himself
from a heated debate on immigration.

I'm joined now
by Baroness Jane Statham,

one of the Lords'
most high-profile members,

and by Colin Priestley,
the architect of the Democrabus.

Baroness Statham, you were
there in Birmingham today.

The public seemed to like this very much.

It was really very exciting, Huw.

There were several issues on the
agenda, including Child Tax Credit,

free trade agreements
and GP out-of-hours services.

You would be amazed how strongly
people feel about these issues.

The public's response certainly seems to
have taken the Government by surprise.

This was a magnificent demonstration
of the democratic principles in action.

This is about
people having their say.

So how do you respond to rumours

that the Government's
proposing maybe to cancel this?

This was their idea
in the first place, wasn't it?

Mr Priestley, can I turn to you?

There's a 90% approval
rating for this scheme.

Why are there plans to shelve it?

Well, with all due respect, Huw,

we haven't actually said
we are going to shelve it.

The Democrabus
is an interesting experiment

that we feel needs further examination.

So we've set up an enquiry
to be headed by Lord Hutton

and once the results of that
are through,

which could be
as soon as August 2006,

then we feel we'll be in a better position

to reconsider the wider
implications of such a project.

So you ARE scrapping it?

I'm being held personally
responsible for this fiasco.

But you are responsible.

This was your idea, Charles.
Only unofficially, remember?

You assured me that it had been
planned down to the last detail.

Oh, but, Colin, it was.

I saw the PM this morning.

He claimed to have had
his doubts from the start.

Well, that's his prerogative.

He also said that he was firing me,

but in a compassionate, modern way.

Well, he could hardly appoint you
to the House of Lords, could he?

But the good news is that I'm now in a
position to offer my considerable services

to any top-notch PR agency
who'd care to snap me up.

(CAR ALARM BLARES)

Oh, I think someone's
breaking into your car.

The little shits.

Well, one good thing's
come out of this, Marty,

apart from Baroness Statham's
exclusive leather range.

I think I can promise you a lot
more work for Prentiss McCabe.

Excellent.

Just a shame about your
application to join this place.

Why? Why is it a shame?

"I can fully endorse Martin McCabe
for a position as a legislator.

"He is brilliant, a person of principle
and an advocate of truth above all else.

"The one flaw,
and a minor flaw it is,

"is that there may be something
fundamentally unsound about him."

What? What is there
fundamentally unsound about me?

I did say you were brilliant.
And fundamentally unsound.

May be. I said that you "may be"
fundamentally unsound.

I was aiming for the rounded view.

"I also hesitate
to mention his drinking".

Well, I did hesitate.

And then I mentioned it. I told you
not to put me down as a referee.

But I thought that was
because we were working partners.

Martin, my dear chap, I simply
couldn't afford to lose you.

You can understand that, can't you?

I shall not forget this.

Oh, in a week's time
you'll be thanking me.

Now, chop-chop,
we've got work to do.

We've got that Donatella Versace
cowhide handbag range to launch.

Avoiding obvious comparisons.

And we have to put a stop to
those Martin Clunes Toby jugs.

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