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1
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,309
Hello. Prentiss McCabe Public Relations.
2
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,353
How was I to know?
3
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:32,513
Ten people mooching around a bungalow
somewhere in London.
4
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,308
Viewers running to William Hill to put bets
on when they might see a nipple.
5
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,995
I thought the test card
would get a bigger audience than that.
6
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:46,553
Which is how this company came
to turn down the "Big Brother" account.
7
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,910
My first job was on reception
at a publisher's,
8
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,153
and one day this little man was bigging it up
because they wouldn't let him in.
9
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:02,110
"Do you know who I am?" and I was like,
"No, but you reckon you're the dog's bollocks"
10
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,316
and it was Al Pacino.
11
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,517
- Ann Robinson.
- Mm?
12
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,910
Go on. What about her?
13
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,192
Well, that's it, really. Just, er...
14
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,157
Ann Robinson.
15
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,198
What's this?
A meeting of Incompetents Anonymous?
16
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,396
Circle session, Charles.
17
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,790
Mm... no. Help me out.
18
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:30,670
The staff sit around and admit the biggest
mistakes they made in the business.
19
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,308
We've all been. Come on, Charles, your turn.
20
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,118
All right.
21
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,316
This may sound awful...
but I honestly can't think of one.
22
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,079
Giving judgement, Mr Justice Moscar saidthat there was a crucial difference
23
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:01,631
between the public interest and storiesin which the public might be interested,
24
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,519
Just because Mr X
was a well-known personality,
25
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,910
it didn't mean that he had no private life,
26
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:11,756
Joshua, a lot of people are going to findthis Mr X stuff a bit science fiction,
27
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,595
The gagging order means that wecan't tell our viewers who this person is?
28
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,311
That's right, It's the same for newspapers, too,And no hints or clues,
29
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:25,315
As boys, we used to read storiesin comics about invisibility cloaks,,,
30
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,677
I do find injunctions
take the fun out of newspapers.
31
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,673
It's like being led through an orgy
in a blindfold.
32
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:36,231
A "married public figure" has prevented
the publication of allegations about him.
33
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,996
Married? So we know it isn't Peter Mandelson
or Cliff Richard. Who is it?
34
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,593
Barry Ascot, City Desk.
35
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,911
- Have we heard from Stephen Hawking?
- Bugger passed on it.
36
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,959
He loves Grand Theft Auto but an
endorsement might screw his Nobel chances.
37
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,315
Barry, it's Charles. Ring me back.
38
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,873
I'll swap you a rumour which might be seen
as insider dealing for the identity of Mr X.
39
00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,632
Oh, I know who that is.
40
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,998
You had breakfast with the Lord Chancellor
and he told you Britain's big legal secret?
41
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,628
- It was on my gossip server.
- What are you using?
42
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,110
- Scuttlebutt. Net.
- I'm on Whispers. Org. I should change.
43
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,909
When you two have finished this week's
Which Website? Who is Mr X?
44
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,798
Bloke called Simon Wellington.
45
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,315
- Wellington?
- I never heard of him.
46
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,358
- He's the Health Secretary!
- Oh, is he?
47
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,717
- You said you were interested in politics.
- Yeah, not obsessed.
48
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,519
On Celebdaq there was a gold rush on him.
49
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,753
- How's Jimmy Bart doing?
- Going up like oil futures.
50
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,514
You've given Alison Jimmy Bart?
I wanted that.
51
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,478
He's just out of rehab.
We couldn't risk a party girl.
52
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,473
Jimmy Bart interviews -
have they all signed a pre-nup?
53
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,792
Yeah. Nothing about non-prescription drugs
or the fourth-former's abortion.
54
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,076
What did Wellington actually do?
55
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,199
- Got mugged by a rent boy or something.
- I'm just into Scuttlebutt. Net.
56
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:56,229
"Question. Why is the Health Secretary now
known to his friends as Wellington Boot?"
57
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,868
"Answer. Because he gets sucked off
in a bog."
58
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,599
This democratisation of gossip appals me.
59
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,069
Once only I knew
where the bodies were buried.
60
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,470
Now everybody has a map to the graveyard.
61
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:12,475
Well, Mr X needs help -
specifically, from Mr P.
62
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,598
Yeah. I hear
what Professor Hawking's saying...
63
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,949
But what I want to get across
is that the ads aren't going to be tacky.
64
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,954
The tag line is "Video games -
they are big and they are clever."
65
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,159
We've got Dr Henry Kissinger on the Shrek
game, Nelson Mandela is definitely...
66
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,154
But if the Minister would admit
that he has a problem, he has my name.
67
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,117
Thank you.
68
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,073
The Health Secretary? Not playing ball?
69
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,674
Not even admitting there's a pitch.
70
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,992
- This calls for the Ethiopian strategy.
- Which is?
71
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,869
If you're hungry, go on television and appeal.
72
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,711
Ms Jackman. I'm Andy Strand.
This is my first week, so we haven't...
73
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:06,919
No, but I've seen you on the "Talent Factor".
They call you Arsehole Andy.
74
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,958
- Axeman Andy.
- Yeah.
75
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,554
Alison, do you have
Jimmy's publicity schedule?
76
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,237
This secret impromptu London gig -
where will that be?
77
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,391
HMV Oxford Street on the 26th.
78
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,993
OK.
79
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,392
Perhaps we should find the master copies
of the album in a field a week before release.
80
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,633
Interesting. We do have a tame farmer
who helped us with the Harry Potter thing.
81
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,711
Mm.
82
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,589
Jimmy. This is the draft
American tour schedule.
83
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,955
But I want to say something.
84
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,350
Bush is cracking down on drugs.
85
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,149
One sniff of possession
and they'll turn you back at the airport.
86
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,073
Jimmy's recent spell eating hospital food...
87
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:54,439
Jimmy became ill after an allergic reaction
to over-the-counter hay fever pills.
88
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,636
The label's very clear about this.
89
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:01,032
We don't want Jimmy's tour cancelled
because a sniffer dog goes crazy at JFK.
90
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,553
(SNIFFS)
91
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:07,111
- Is he doing media interviews this week?
- Yeah. For the solo tour and the album.
92
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:12,035
At some point before Friday, the record
company will carry out a random drugs test.
93
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,350
Jimmy agrees or there'll be no release.
94
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,551
That's cool.
95
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,757
They can test my piss all they want -
they won't find anything.
96
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,639
Because there's nothing to find.
97
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,638
Charles Prentiss,
as a leading PR consultant,
98
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,429
what would you say to Mr X
if he were your client?
99
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,036
I would say that a letter of the alphabet
is a small thing,
100
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,953
so you can't hide behind it very long.
101
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:54,399
So I would say forget the "X",
turn to somebody who understands the media
102
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,711
and begin the ABC
of admitting and explaining.
103
00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,678
Some advice if you're watching,
Mr Wellington.
104
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,159
Oh, dear.
105
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:07,519
I'm only a spin doctor, but I would say
you're suffering from a broken injunction.
106
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,639
We're so sorry.
I have to say this is live television.
107
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,315
Big apologies to Mr X,
as I ought, of course, to have called him.
108
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,471
We'll be back after this.
109
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,519
- (THEME TUNE PLAYS)
- We're out of this ad break in two minutes.
110
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,798
Jesus Christ, Steve! Do you keep
your brain cells in your scrotum?
111
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,996
We're talking to the duty lawyer.
112
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,311
- Meanwhile, don't even mention him as X.
- OK.
113
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,556
- You were great.
- Thanks.
114
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,188
You blushed.
You've improved since rehearsal.
115
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:49,273
- It's very simple. I was looking for a fox.
- Right.
116
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,271
Jesus. It's our own fault.
117
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:57,514
We train you guys to talk bollocks in the
House of Commons and the television studio,
118
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,194
but please spare me the dispatch box stare.
119
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,638
I'm not Leader of the Opposition.
I'm an intelligent man.
120
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,791
A fox. Really.
121
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,751
There are foxes on the heath.
122
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,390
It's quite a sight. I like to go there
after doing my red boxes.
123
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,519
Simon. Simon...
As the Prime Minister's Press Secretary,
124
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:22,037
you take more confessions than a priest,
so I've heard the best lies in the business
125
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,398
and yours is the political equivalent
of "the dog ate my homework".
126
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,156
If I were making up a cover story, I'd make
up something less ridiculous than this.
127
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,710
- You had scratches and torn clothing.
- I was mugged.
128
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,953
Regrettably, these two men stopped
to help me. That's how the story got out.
129
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,953
Where's the selfish, uncaring society
when you need it?
130
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,510
Simon, do me and yourself a favour.
131
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,989
You're gay.
132
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,478
- It's what we call a "moma".
- I'm sorry?
133
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,358
Moment of madness.
134
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:58,115
That one's a bit inky. Have to think
of a new one for your press release.
135
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:03,991
Minute of misjudgement. Flash of...
Well, maybe not flash, but whatever.
136
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:09,632
Look, call me a leaker, call me a plotter,
call me anti-European, but I'm not gay.
137
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,078
Simon, you probably think
that being gay is the wrong answer,
138
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,470
which is why you're lying,
139
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,995
but it's the right answer.
140
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,152
The PM's got most of the country now,
141
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,676
but even after a couple
of gay Cabinet ministers...
142
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,833
the pink flag doesn't exactly flap for him.
So...
143
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,310
We're going to appoint a minister
for fudge packers and muff divers -
144
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,358
as the electorate
will learn to stop calling them -
145
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,750
except we can't find a gay minister.
146
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,912
- Well, what about?
- Mandelson won't take it.
147
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,877
Stereotyping.
148
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,600
But then look what the fox dragged in.
149
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,838
I'm not gay.
150
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,553
Simon, you have 48 hours to decide.
151
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,917
"Out and proud"
is the press release I'm planning.
152
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,751
If you're out, you're in, and if you're in...
153
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,079
you're out.
154
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,553
Both "Hello" and "OK" have passed
155
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,030
on the exclusive of Michael and Catherine
renewing their vows.
156
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,997
As you say, for obvious reasons.
157
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:24,029
But there's definite interest on
a photo-feature on their second honeymoon.
158
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,679
"Saga Magazine".
159
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,308
(DOOR BUZZES)
160
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,472
("SIMPSONS" THEME ON TV)
161
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,552
- Mr Prentiss?
- Indeed. Why don't you come up?
162
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:50,156
- Ah... Mr Wellington.
- How do you do?
163
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,669
Priestly offered to make me some
kind of Secretary of State for Same Sexes.
164
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:09,152
Really? Out of the closet into the Cabinet.
He's good, you know.
165
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,358
In fact, he's the only person, apart
from myself, I've ever dreamt of being.
166
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,034
Because he's the only PR guy
as good as you?
167
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,190
Almost as good.
168
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,716
As if someone would pretend to be queer
to be a privy councillor.
169
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,952
Well, for centuries men
pretended to be straight for power.
170
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,556
There's something
so cutting edge about flipping it.
171
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,756
But you definitely said no to Priestly?
172
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,071
Yes. I couldn't live a lie, Charles.
I'm not gay.
173
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,836
Oh, I see. In that case,
we've been rather off-piste, haven't we?
174
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,798
So perhaps you should tell me
175
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,839
what you say took place
in Hampstead Heath that night
176
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,036
at one o'clock in the morning.
177
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,668
Urban foxes?
178
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,276
Yes. It's the only defence
Wellington Boot will wear.
179
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,271
By the time you and I have finished,
180
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,796
the English upper classes will be taking
foxes for walks on a lead
181
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,951
instead of chasing them across fields.
182
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,873
I always like to record it myself
for our records.
183
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,079
Whatever. When I did Robbie Williams
I forgot to put the batteries in
184
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,312
- and the media mummies have hours.
- Media mummy?
185
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,835
Jimmy, before we do the heavy blah blah,
186
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,390
we're running this new slot,
Celebrity Washbag...
187
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,597
Hold on. Celebrity Washbag
wasn't in the pre-nup, Shanti.
188
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,309
Yeah. It was like
this morning's brainstormer.
189
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,471
(SNIFFING) Sorry.
190
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,309
Oh, sorry, Shanti. It's just the um...
191
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,950
It's just the hay fever.
192
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,237
I can't take anything for it now.
Not even homeopathic shit.
193
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:48,678
In the clinic, they told me that the stuff
you get in Boots can be as bad as Class A.
194
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,116
Though all that Jimmy knows
about Class A drugs himself
195
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,909
is that when he was in Plasticine Donkey
before he went solo,
196
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,072
there were other people in the band
known to have used them.
197
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,800
Media mummy knows best.
198
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,918
All I've got in my washbag
is a toothbrush and a razor.
199
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,718
- Can we go off the record?
- Whatever.
200
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,873
Thanks. Jimmy, my agency's representing
the agency's Safe Sex campaign
201
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,635
and I was wondering
if maybe in your washbag...
202
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,758
No way. Diss it, missus.
203
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,196
Never use skins.
It's like having a shower with your coat on.
204
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,920
I'm a blister pack girl.
205
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:31,430
- I think the record company would like it.
- OK, media mummy.
206
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,311
These days all I have in my washbag
207
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,517
- is a toothbrush and a wrap of skins.
- Pack of condoms.
208
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,798
Thank you.
209
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:47,238
I'm having trouble with Barrymore. Being
on cable makes him feel like a failure.
210
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,437
- He is a failure.
- I know, but what can I say to him?
211
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:55,071
I bought one of those self-help paperbacks
once and it had this line in it.
212
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,356
"Failure may seem like a dead end,
213
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,069
"but it's really the slip-road
to the freeway of dreams."
214
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,913
But that's bollocks.
I can't just tell my client bollocks.
215
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,718
That's your job.
216
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,638
But with the greatest respect, Mr McCabe,
217
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:25,999
most people simply do not believe that
the Health Secretary was looking for foxes.
218
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,470
Absolutely, Kirsty, and I must say
I was sceptical myself,
219
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,756
but I have talked to a number of experts,
220
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,673
including the president
of the London Fox Club -
221
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,796
a world authority on foxes -
222
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,316
and he assures me that
in the greener parts of the metropolis,
223
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,835
fox spotting is the new kite flying.
224
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,912
He puts it down, very largely, to eating disorders.
225
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,071
What, foxes get bulimia?
226
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,836
No, no... I think you may
be putting words in my mouth there, Kirsty.
227
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,835
No, it's a question of the fact
that we leave too much food - all of us do -
228
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:03,472
and from the fox's point of view,
why bother to dig up Farmer Giles' hen coop
229
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:08,236
when there's half a ton of organic chicken
parmigiano lying about all over Hampstead.
230
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,834
But let's face it, Mr McCabe,
231
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:16,438
most men on Hampstead Heath at one o'clock
in the morning are not looking for foxes.
232
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,592
Well, that may be, and that is my point, Kirsty.
233
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,876
It is the men you have just referred to
234
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:26,750
who are giving the normal,
nocturnal, urban fox spotter a bad name.
235
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,115
In the same way, we know, of course,
236
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,874
that some male public conveniences have a...
237
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,271
what could be called a sociological
as well as a urological role,
238
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,115
but that doesn't mean that
there aren't men in these conveniences
239
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,840
who are simply having a pee.
240
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,753
There's always a scene in movies where
the top cop and the big villain finally meet.
241
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:02,072
- Colin Priestly.
- Maybe I should wash my hands.
242
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,277
The profession we're in,
I'd wash them afterwards.
243
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,072
- I really admire your work.
- Thank you.
244
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,119
Though I have to say, Charles,
on the Simon Wellington business...
245
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,512
When Mr X was unmasked on television,
you set that up, didn't you?
246
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,513
I'm told that scenario has been floated
on some websites, yes.
247
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,353
It's an interesting spin on events, isn't it?
248
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:32,309
You know, I sometimes think
we over-complicate this job. Don't you?
249
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,073
Charles, you and I know perfectly well
250
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,358
that Wellington was playing dick-sticks
on Hampstead Heath that night,
251
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,274
but the whole Basil Brush stunt's
just been brilliant.
252
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,034
You know what my kids said to me at breakfast?
253
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,430
"Daddy, can we have a fox?"
254
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,795
I thought, "Colin, you've met your match."
255
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,032
I was really quite down... till I saw this.
256
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,039
It's just some sketch about Wellington
on the heath with a man.
257
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,839
This kind of stuff can't hurt us now.
258
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,197
It's not a sketch, it's a transcript.
259
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,035
The blokes who helped Wellington that night
weren't passers-by,
260
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,760
they were hacks for the "Daily News".
261
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,990
Been following him around.
262
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,390
Aiming their sound gun at the oak trees.
263
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,871
Did the newspapers give you this
or did you give this to the newspapers?
264
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:33,273
You're so suspicious, Charles. I sometimes
think we over-complicate this job. Don't you?
265
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,151
If they had this at the beginning,
266
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,949
why did they let us play
the Fantastic Mr Fox for four days?
267
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,315
Ah, I see what you're getting at, but no -
268
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,597
the delay makes it more likely
that this is true.
269
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,072
The tabloids won't shoot you in the back
if they can get a better angle on your head.
270
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,791
Showing that you're a liar now
is a better story than last week.
271
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,509
- They've held this up.
- The shitting shits!
272
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,677
Listen...
273
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,752
When "Two Brains" Willetts
got into a mess over that memo,
274
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:20,597
her argued that the world "wants" meant
"lacks" in the sense Jane Austen used it.
275
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:25,038
Yes, but I'm not sure it would be helpful
to argue that you "lacked" a blowjob.
276
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,749
No. No sensible man
would try to spin this transcript.
277
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:33,072
But, luckily, this company employs two brains.
278
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,312
This isn't happening
and I'm not saying what I'm saying.
279
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:40,155
Treat this as a little deep background advice.
280
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,995
We've all played Chinese Whispers
and I simply remind you
281
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,393
that all a litigious man - and we all know
that Mr Wellington is nothing if not that...
282
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,189
All a litigious man
has to do is to convince a jury
283
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,876
that some of the phrases in this transcript
bear a second meaning -
284
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,600
as opposed, of course, to a double meaning.
285
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:06,630
OK. What's the double...
I mean, second meaning of that?
286
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,030
Well, this raises the precise point.
287
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,751
A sound gun on a windy night struggles
to distinguish between two words
288
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,593
which fall similarly on the ear.
289
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,593
Is it possible
that the Minister is saying here,
290
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,594
"What's a boy to do to get a fox round here?"
291
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:28,390
Referring, quite reasonably, to the very quarry
that's brought him to the heath.
292
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,509
Third page, four lines from the bottom.
Four-letter word beginning "C-O".
293
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:38,470
Well, my thought again... Could this
be a five-letter word beginning "C-O"?
294
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,710
- Which would be?
- Copse.
295
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,714
"I like a really big copse."
296
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,919
The other fox spotter
is alluding to an area of woodland
297
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,957
in which the animals might gather.
298
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,468
(COLIN) Writing a letter of resignation's
always a poignant task...
299
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,996
and I've taken particular care with yours.
300
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,390
This letter is dated and timed
9 a.m. Tomorrow.
301
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,712
How thoughtful. Giving the condemned man
time to eat a hearty breakfast.
302
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,395
Simon, I'm offering you
a seat in the Cabinet.
303
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,872
As the song so nearly goes,
"What a difference a gay makes."
304
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,311
Jimmy, this is Liz De La Mare.
305
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:28,959
- Elizabeth.
- Elizabeth.
306
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:33,557
- Of the "Observer".
- Oh. "Observer" eh? Respect.
307
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,474
I've spent all week
talking to "Your First Bra" and fanzines.
308
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,871
Elizabeth, you didn't send the form back.
309
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,873
No. I don't sign pre-nups. Journalistic ethics.
310
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,634
You more or less
called Mother Teresa a lesbian.
311
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,633
It's a bit late to be going for the Pulitzer Prize.
312
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,759
If I sign my name on that letter,
they'll be the only two words I'll write.
313
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,990
(JIMMY SNIFFS)
314
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,431
Yeah. "Vasectomy of the Soul" was the best
album Plasticine Donkey ever made.
315
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,388
In fact, it's probably the best album
that anyone's ever made.
316
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,916
- Jimmy, could you take your glasses off?
- Who's asking?
317
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,278
- I'm asking.
- Bollocks! The CIA told you, didn't they?
318
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,790
But it's fine...
319
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,837
'cause I'm wearing false eyes.
320
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,916
(SNIFFS)
321
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,196
(MOBILE RINGS)
322
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,148
- Jamie.
- Jamie, it's Alison,
323
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,788
Hello, Alison. Que passe?
324
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,235
There may be a problem with Bart,
325
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,436
I don't know anyone who takes drugs,
326
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,673
but he's just asked me to askthe hotel manager to stop it raining,
327
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,876
Does that mean he's back on the stuff?
328
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:48,637
Mm. That could be just pop star ego.
Top end, admittedly, but possible.
329
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,109
OK. I'll give you a quick checklist.
330
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:56,274
The government will get rid of me if I'm not
gay and my wife will get rid of me if I am.
331
00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,389
Simon, I'm going to suggest a solution
which may shock you as a politician.
332
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,232
Hypocrisy.
333
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,632
You'd be a minister for gays who really,
in secret, was straight.
334
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,314
Well, stop all the clocks.
335
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,392
We have a Defence Secretary
who used to march for CND,
336
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,552
a Culture Secretary
who thinks Picasso can't do faces
337
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,917
and if the Chancellor forgets
his calculator the pound collapses.
338
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,595
You're very good at this.
You should have gone into politics.
339
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,389
They did ask, but I wanted to work
where the real power and money lay.
340
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,797
I'll... I'll talk to my wife.
341
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,509
Ticks for self-obsession,
paranoia, dilated pupils and fast speech,
342
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,229
plus he's sniffing like his nostrils
have got a sponsorship deal.
343
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:45,234
A doctor's about to turn up
with a specimen bottle. We're finished.
344
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,915
Not necessarily.
OK. There's this masking agent.
345
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,119
It's big in the banks in New York.
They take it on a Monday morning.
346
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,316
Great. Where can I get it?
347
00:22:55,480 --> 00:23:00,634
You're going to have to score some.
Its street name, I think, is Charlie Tippex.
348
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,109
(KEYS TAP)
349
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,239
Colin.
350
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:27,113
I don't think
you'll be needing that any more.
351
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:31,637
- Sorry. You're too late, mate.
- What?
352
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,395
- Bugger! Who is it?
- He wouldn't say,
353
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:40,509
All he said was, "One of my colleagues
suddenly remembered that he likes men."
354
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,958
So now he takes your gay seat
on the Cabinet. But who?
355
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,111
None of the obvious ones, apparently,
356
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,874
John Prescott's not wearing nipple rings?
357
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,395
When would I see him without his shirt?
358
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,757
(BUZZER)
359
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:10,111
- Hi.
- Hi.
360
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,268
I'm looking for Charlie Tippex.
361
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,876
- Are you?
- Yeah.
362
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,358
- I'm not sure if I'm at the right place.
- This is Line Up.
363
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:34,230
- Right. And what exactly do you do?
- Who are you, Princess Anne?
364
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,914
- Er, no.
- What does it look like?
365
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,594
It looks like a TV production company.
366
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,514
Well, that's what we are, then.
367
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,871
- Right.
- Did someone send you?
368
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,555
- Jamie Front gave me the address.
- OK.
369
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,998
First, it's not called Charlie Tippex now -
the manufacturer objected.
370
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:00,517
- It's Snow Blind. How much do you want?
- Oh, I don't know. A couple of pounds.
371
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,353
- Right. That'll be ?30,000.
- Right.
372
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,034
But we do take all major credit cards.
373
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,316
No, I was...
374
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:12,234
- A couple of grams. Is it for Jamie?
- No. It's for a friend of mine.
375
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,150
Well, tell your friend
that it's all about balance.
376
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:22,314
The ratio has to be exact. One part Snow
Blind for every five parts Charlie taken.
377
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,279
Right.
378
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,112
Good.
379
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:34,351
- Water, Jimmy?
- Ta.
380
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,671
- (KNOCKING)
- I'm Dr Dunn.
381
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,276
I think you're expecting me.
No, please... Finish your water.
382
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,351
The more goes down, the more comes out.
383
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,919
(SOUND OF URINATING)
384
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,115
- Jimmy, was the test OK?
- Yeah. Piece of piss.
385
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,317
(CHARLES) Those offers
just came in for you this morning.
386
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,155
Yes... Gay radio stations
387
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:20,075
and beer ads where the joke
is what a failure you are. No, thank you.
388
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,028
Mellor and Portillo made far more money
out of office than in.
389
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:29,149
In a year you could be splashing Priestly's
face with the wake from your yacht.
390
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,671
I'm sorry to lose your company's commission,
Charles,
391
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,071
but I'm not taking jobs
predicated on what a flop I am.
392
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,870
Simon, I know failure
must seem like a dead end...
393
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,919
but it could be a slip-road
onto the freeway of dreams.
394
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,115
That's complete bollocks, isn't it?
395
00:26:55,760 --> 00:27:00,993
OK. Ann Robinson
is now my second biggest mistake.
396
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,391
My biggest mistake, I think,
was not to realise
397
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:10,317
that being really, really, really,
really careful doesn't work necessarily
398
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,278
if someone else is being really careful as well.
399
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,468
It's kind of what I want to say.
400
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,714
- What... is it about, like, contraception?
- No.
401
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,953
It's about not spiking a rock star's drink
with Snow Blind when he's taken it already,
402
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,874
so he's negative for drugs, but almost dies
from an overdose of masking agent.
403
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:37,753
We haven't heard a confession
from you, Jamie.
404
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,274
OK, Ali. Um...
405
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,716
My biggest regret is that...
406
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,159
I didn't drag Charles in here to confess
to screwing up the Wellington case.
407
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,391
There are some things in lifeyou just can't deny,
408
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,075
Trust me -
this is the best beer in the world.
409
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:12,675
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