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1
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,826
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:32,051
(SONG PLAYING IN HINDI)
3
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,100
(WIND WHOOSHING)
4
00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,884
Kinda lonesome back here.
5
00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:07,654
(MUMBLING)
(GRUNTS) Yeah, little help.
6
00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:12,592
Okay, um, just, I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.
7
00:03:12,594 --> 00:03:13,793
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
8
00:03:13,795 --> 00:03:16,029
Excuse me. Whoo!
9
00:03:16,031 --> 00:03:17,864
(CHUCKLES) Ah, Dopinder.
10
00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:19,933
Pool. Dead.
11
00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,669
Hmm, nice.
12
00:03:23,705 --> 00:03:24,838
DOPINDER:
Smells good, no?
13
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,873
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.
14
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,875
Ah, yes. Gita.
15
00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,810
Hmm.
She is quite lovely.
16
00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,146
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
17
00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:35,215
But, um...
18
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:38,985
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
19
00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:42,722
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
20
00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,892
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
21
00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,827
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.
22
00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,562
Yeah, sir, you called for it,
remember?
23
00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:54,567
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
24
00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:55,969
When you find it,
the whole world
25
00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:57,237
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
26
00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:58,571
(DOPINDER GRUNTS)
27
00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,673
So you gotta hold onto love...
28
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:01,975
...tight!
Ah.
29
00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:03,510
And never let go.
30
00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:04,978
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.
31
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,748
Got it?
Yeah.
32
00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:10,517
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
33
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,852
(STUTTERS) Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?
34
00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,855
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe
filled with piss. Okay, enough.
35
00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:18,791
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
36
00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,894
Hmm, it's bad.
37
00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:23,730
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?
38
00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:25,832
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
39
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,268
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.
40
00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:29,969
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...
41
00:04:29,971 --> 00:04:31,938
six days and, oh...
42
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,274
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
43
00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:38,211
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?
44
00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:39,746
This shit...
45
00:04:40,882 --> 00:04:41,948
Boo!
46
00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,084
(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)
47
00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:01,868
(SIGHS)
48
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:03,970
They won't disappoint.
49
00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,306
They'd better not.
50
00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:08,875
And what about
next month's shipment?
51
00:05:08,877 --> 00:05:10,610
There won't be one.
52
00:05:10,612 --> 00:05:12,252
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
53
00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:14,881
That won't do.
54
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,286
See, we've had
this small disruption
55
00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,754
to our supply chain...
56
00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,256
(CHOKING)
57
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,794
We'd appreciate your patience.
58
00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:31,764
(GRUNTS) Okay.
59
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,233
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
60
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,235
(GASPING)
61
00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,019
Pleasure doing
business with you.
62
00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:44,611
Fucking mutant.
63
00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:47,614
(ENGINES ROARING)
64
00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:56,022
Oh, shit!
65
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,824
I forgot my ammo bag.
66
00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:58,992
Shall we turn back?
67
00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,360
No, no time.
68
00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:02,061
Fuck it. I got this.
69
00:06:02,063 --> 00:06:05,365
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.
70
00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,699
Right here!
(GRUNTS)
71
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,368
(TIRES SCREECHING)
72
00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:11,070
That's, uh, $27.50.
73
00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,872
I... I never carry a wallet
when I'm working.
74
00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:14,741
Ruins the lines
of my suit.
75
00:06:14,743 --> 00:06:15,875
Oh.
But, uh,
76
00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,210
how about
a crisp high five?
77
00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:18,344
Okay.
78
00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:21,014
Merry Christmas.
79
00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:24,150
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!
80
00:06:24,152 --> 00:06:27,720
♪ Hey, yeah
I wanna shoop, baby
81
00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,690
(WADE SINGING)
♪ Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
82
00:06:30,692 --> 00:06:32,659
♪ Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop
83
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,694
♪ You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back
84
00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:37,330
♪ Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that
85
00:06:37,332 --> 00:06:39,899
♪ Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
86
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:42,101
♪ If looks could kill
you would be an uzi
87
00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:43,736
♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪
88
00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,338
Wha... Oh!
89
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:48,775
Oh, hello. I know, right?
90
00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:50,743
Whose balls
did I have to fondle
91
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,378
to get my very own movie?
92
00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,780
I can't tell you,
93
00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:56,249
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."
94
00:06:56,251 --> 00:06:59,102
And let me tell you,
95
00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:01,954
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.
96
00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:06,125
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...
97
00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,928
Bad guys to kill.
98
00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,697
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
99
00:07:14,202 --> 00:07:15,268
Maximum effort.
100
00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:20,373
(GROANS)
101
00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:23,943
(GRUNTING)
102
00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,379
WADE: Cock shot.
103
00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,083
(SCREAMING)
104
00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:32,418
(MOCKINGLY) Ha!
105
00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:34,120
(GRUNTS)
106
00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:36,255
Rich Corinthian leather.
107
00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:40,460
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!
108
00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:42,261
Have you seen this man?
(GROANS)
109
00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:44,330
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)
110
00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,171
WADE: Ow. Ow!
111
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,272
Yanky, yanky!
112
00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,907
(GUN FIRES)
(SCREAMS)
113
00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:57,043
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
114
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:04,784
(WADE GASPS)
(GROANS)
115
00:08:06,054 --> 00:08:07,320
(SCREAMS)
116
00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:08,888
(MAN GROANING)
(CAR ACCELERATING)
117
00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,024
(GRUNTING)
118
00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,796
(TIRES SCREECHING)
119
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,433
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
120
00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:23,369
(SCREAMING)
121
00:08:24,773 --> 00:08:26,473
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
122
00:08:26,474 --> 00:08:28,274
WADE: I've never said this,
but don't swallow.
123
00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:30,910
(MAN GROANING)
124
00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,545
(GUN COCKS)
125
00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:38,117
(GRUNTS)
126
00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,497
Shit.
127
00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,566
Did I leave the stove on?
128
00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,339
(THUDS)
129
00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,812
(TIRES SCREECHING)
130
00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,885
REPORTER: Now, breaking news.
131
00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:14,954
A multi-car collision
turned shots fired
132
00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:16,856
on the crosstown expressway
this morning.
133
00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:19,091
Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.
134
00:09:19,093 --> 00:09:21,561
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.
135
00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,229
The assailant
appears to be armed,
136
00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:24,831
dangerous, and wearing...
137
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,265
a red suit.
A red suit.
138
00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:28,167
Deadpool.
139
00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:31,838
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.
140
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,273
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Colossus, wait up.
141
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,610
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us...
142
00:09:37,612 --> 00:09:39,979
but he'd rather
act like a child.
143
00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,348
A heavily-armed child.
144
00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:46,252
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?
145
00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,387
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?
146
00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,289
The house that blows up
every few years?
147
00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,390
Please.
148
00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,293
House blowing up
builds character.
149
00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:56,229
You ate breakfast, yes?
150
00:09:56,231 --> 00:09:59,365
Breakfast is most
important meal of day.
151
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:03,636
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.
152
00:10:03,638 --> 00:10:06,305
Deadpool may try
to break yours.
153
00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,907
(JET ENGINE ROARING)
154
00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:14,647
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
155
00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,115
MAN: Get out of the way!
156
00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,477
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING)
157
00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,034
WADE: Hey! Whoo!
(GUNS FIRING)
158
00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,335
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
159
00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,613
WADE: Wait!
160
00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,916
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
161
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,951
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
162
00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:54,420
This guy's got the right idea.
163
00:10:54,422 --> 00:10:55,955
He wore the brown pants.
164
00:10:56,457 --> 00:10:57,657
(GUN FIRING)
165
00:10:57,659 --> 00:11:00,026
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...
166
00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,594
so you're gonna
have to share!
167
00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:03,496
Let's count them down.
168
00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,464
(GUN FIRING)
169
00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,270
(GROANING)
170
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,506
(FIRING CONTINUES)
171
00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,045
(GROANS)
172
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,180
(TIRES SCREECHING)
173
00:11:22,717 --> 00:11:24,083
Shit.
174
00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,688
Motherfucker!
175
00:11:30,058 --> 00:11:31,190
10! Shit!
176
00:11:31,659 --> 00:11:32,725
Nine. Fuck.
177
00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:34,327
Eight.
178
00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:35,394
Shit-fuck!
179
00:11:35,396 --> 00:11:36,462
(GRUNTS)
180
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,366
Bad Deadpool.
181
00:11:41,669 --> 00:11:44,070
Seven.
Good Deadpool.
182
00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,171
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)
183
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,749
(GUN COCKS)
184
00:11:56,751 --> 00:11:58,017
Oh!
185
00:12:03,091 --> 00:12:04,156
(GRUNTS)
186
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,493
(GUN CLICKING)
187
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,934
Someone's not counting. Six.
(GROANS)
188
00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:19,739
(GUN FIRING)
189
00:12:20,775 --> 00:12:22,541
(EXPLODING)
190
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,414
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
191
00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,016
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
Oh!
192
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,256
(GROANS) Four...
193
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,324
(GUN FIRES)
(GROANS)
194
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,159
Gotcha.
195
00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,594
(GRUNTS)
196
00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:43,095
Right up main street.
197
00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:48,134
Three, two!
198
00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:50,102
Stupid! Worth it.
199
00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:52,038
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
200
00:13:03,351 --> 00:13:04,717
(GUN FIRES)
201
00:13:05,253 --> 00:13:06,552
(ALL GROANING)
202
00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:08,320
(CLINKS)
203
00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,093
(SNIFFING)
204
00:13:14,095 --> 00:13:15,294
Ah!
205
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:18,431
I'm touching myself tonight.
206
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,633
Francis!
207
00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:22,101
Francis...
208
00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,238
What the shit-biscuit!
209
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,074
Where you at,
Francis?
210
00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,775
(GROANING)
211
00:13:32,547 --> 00:13:33,612
(GROANING LOUDLY)
212
00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,084
You're not Francis.
213
00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,461
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?
214
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,834
(GROANS)
215
00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:00,272
WADE: You're
probably thinking,
216
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,208
"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...
217
00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:03,676
"but that guy in the red suit
just turned
218
00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,212
"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"
219
00:14:06,214 --> 00:14:10,783
Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.
220
00:14:10,785 --> 00:14:13,152
And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.
221
00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:15,421
But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.
222
00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:18,491
And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.
223
00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,859
And to tell it right...
224
00:14:19,861 --> 00:14:22,261
I gotta take you back
to long before
225
00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,698
I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.
226
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,434
MERCHANT: Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?
227
00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,803
I didn't order the pizza.
228
00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:34,740
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
229
00:14:34,742 --> 00:14:38,244
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!
230
00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:39,411
Then who placed the call?
231
00:14:39,847 --> 00:14:41,380
WADE: I did!
232
00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:42,681
(TOILET FLUSHING)
233
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,484
Pineapple and olive?
234
00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:48,454
Sweet and salty.
235
00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:49,622
The fuck are you?
236
00:14:49,624 --> 00:14:51,624
The fuck you doing
in my crib...
237
00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:52,791
Is it burnt crust?
238
00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:54,727
I... God,
I hope not. Um...
239
00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,662
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about that poker game.
240
00:14:56,664 --> 00:14:58,931
I told Howie,
I told him that...
241
00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:02,935
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.
242
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,171
Thanks.
243
00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:06,472
Sir, before you do
anything to him,
244
00:15:06,474 --> 00:15:08,207
do you mind
if I get a big tip?
245
00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:10,943
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
246
00:15:10,945 --> 00:15:12,578
Umm-hmm.
Wade. Wade Wilson.
247
00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:16,682
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.
248
00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:18,551
I'm not here for him.
249
00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,286
I'm here for you.
250
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:21,820
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
251
00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,589
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet on that one.
252
00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,292
Not out of the woods yet.
(GROANS)
253
00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,627
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
254
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,629
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.
255
00:15:30,631 --> 00:15:32,865
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
256
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,767
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
257
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,836
I will shoot your fucking cat!
258
00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:40,639
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
259
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:42,508
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?
260
00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,714
Anyhoo, tell me something...
261
00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,551
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?
262
00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:54,853
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?
263
00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,589
Getting that right?
Orflosky?
264
00:15:56,591 --> 00:15:58,891
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
265
00:16:00,228 --> 00:16:01,493
Because she knows you.
266
00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:03,729
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys
267
00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:05,864
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.
268
00:16:05,866 --> 00:16:07,433
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,
269
00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:08,734
but lucky for her...
270
00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:10,769
I got a soft spot.
271
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:13,272
But I'm a...
A stalker.
272
00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,740
Threats hurt, Jer.
273
00:16:14,742 --> 00:16:18,410
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
274
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,513
So keep away
from Meghan.
275
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:22,581
Cool?
276
00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:23,749
Yes, sir.
277
00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:25,251
Then we're done.
278
00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:27,353
Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
We are?
279
00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,622
Yeah. We're totally done.
(LAUGHS)
280
00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,257
You should've
seen your face.
281
00:16:31,259 --> 00:16:32,691
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
282
00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:33,826
Soft spot, remember?
283
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,361
(WHIMPERS)
284
00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,463
You even look in her
general direction again...
285
00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,964
and you will learn
in the worst of ways
286
00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,300
that I have
some hard spots too.
287
00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:44,603
That came out wrong.
288
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,872
Or did it?
289
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:48,774
(WHIMPERING)
290
00:16:48,776 --> 00:16:50,542
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
291
00:16:50,544 --> 00:16:52,278
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
292
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,646
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
293
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,020
Mmm... Meghan?
294
00:17:04,292 --> 00:17:06,012
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
295
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,460
No friggin' way.
296
00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:14,433
Should've brought
my roller blades.
297
00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:15,868
Show these kids
how it's done.
298
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:19,471
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
299
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,440
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?
300
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,941
I give a guy
a pavement facial,
301
00:17:22,943 --> 00:17:24,063
it's because he's earned it.
302
00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:25,978
Hey, wait!
303
00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:28,914
You're my hero.
304
00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:31,583
No-no-no-no.
That I ain't!
305
00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:35,688
WADE: Nope. Never will be.
306
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,690
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
307
00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,360
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.
308
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,563
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
309
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,533
It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.
310
00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:49,468
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
311
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,037
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
312
00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:55,107
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
313
00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:57,476
Buck! Liefeld...
314
00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,744
BUCK: Hey, Wade!
315
00:17:58,746 --> 00:17:59,978
Wade Wilson,
patron saint of the pitiful.
316
00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,847
What can I do for you?
317
00:18:01,849 --> 00:18:03,482
I'd love a Blow Job.
318
00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,683
Oh, God, me too.
319
00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:06,819
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...
320
00:18:08,489 --> 00:18:10,522
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
321
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,091
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...
322
00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,392
Orlovsky.
323
00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:14,460
Yeah, her.
324
00:18:14,462 --> 00:18:15,894
You sure?
Hmm.
325
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,464
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
326
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,432
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.
327
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,401
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
328
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,635
Just a little light stalking.
329
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,371
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
330
00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:27,005
I was traveling
to exotic places...
331
00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:29,775
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,
332
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,677
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...
333
00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:33,879
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.
334
00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:36,415
So what was Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?
335
00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:37,916
That's classified.
336
00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:40,152
(WHISPERS) They have
a wonderful TGI Fridays.
337
00:18:40,154 --> 00:18:42,654
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...
338
00:18:42,656 --> 00:18:43,922
whipped cream.
339
00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:46,558
I give you a Blow Job.
340
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,926
Why do you
make me make that?
341
00:18:47,928 --> 00:18:49,795
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
342
00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,397
Take that over
to Buck please,
343
00:18:51,399 --> 00:18:53,165
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.
344
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,634
Remind me what good
will come of this?
345
00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:57,703
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
346
00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:59,004
BUCK: Boothe!
Oh!
347
00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:00,406
Easy, man.
Hold up! Hold up!
348
00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:01,473
What you want?
349
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,674
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
350
00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:06,879
Cheers. To your health.
WEASEL: Fuck you.
351
00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,047
BOOTHE: Come here,
you fat fuck!
352
00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:10,749
That's a new stool.
353
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:11,984
(ALL CLAMORING)
354
00:19:15,523 --> 00:19:16,955
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.
355
00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,490
(GROANS)
356
00:19:19,627 --> 00:19:21,427
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!
357
00:19:21,429 --> 00:19:23,095
WEASEL: All right, move.
Move, move, move.
358
00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:24,463
Buck, go rest.
359
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,059
MAN: Boothe got hit
then went down.
360
00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,472
Yeah, he's still breathing.
361
00:19:33,474 --> 00:19:34,606
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
362
00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,643
Nobody wins today.
363
00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,445
Nice try, Wade.
364
00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,580
You got me.
I picked Boothe in the dead pool.
365
00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:42,948
Who did you pick?
366
00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,150
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...
367
00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,685
No.
368
00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:48,620
You did not bet
on me to die.
369
00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:53,592
You bet on me to die. Wow!
370
00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,461
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.
371
00:19:55,463 --> 00:19:57,696
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.
372
00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,832
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
373
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,835
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
374
00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,136
I never win anything.
375
00:20:04,138 --> 00:20:05,237
Whatever.
376
00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:06,972
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!
377
00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,475
(ALL CHEERING)
378
00:20:09,477 --> 00:20:11,243
Domestic, nothing imported.
379
00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,647
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...
380
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:19,218
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
381
00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:22,621
Uh... Tight.
382
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,525
Vanessa.
Wade.
383
00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,727
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
384
00:20:29,964 --> 00:20:31,230
I'd hit that.
385
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,500
Buck, you best
apologize before...
386
00:20:34,502 --> 00:20:36,902
(GASPS)
Yeah, that.
387
00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,670
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.
388
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,506
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.
389
00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,774
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
390
00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,776
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...
391
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:45,878
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.
392
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,212
I'm working on it.
393
00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,848
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.
394
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,251
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.
395
00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,254
Merchandise? Huh...
396
00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:57,856
So you, uh...
397
00:20:57,858 --> 00:20:59,224
bump fuzzies for money?
398
00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:01,293
Yep.
Rough childhood?
399
00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:02,561
Rougher than yours.
400
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,730
Daddy left before
I was born.
401
00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:06,231
Daddy left before
I was conceived.
402
00:21:07,535 --> 00:21:09,101
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
403
00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,602
Where else do you
put one out?
404
00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:11,870
I was molested.
405
00:21:11,872 --> 00:21:13,672
Me too. Uncle.
406
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,141
Uncles. They took turns.
407
00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,676
I watched my own
birthday party
408
00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:18,877
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...
409
00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:20,279
which also happens to be my...
410
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:23,148
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
411
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,751
(GASPS) You had a dishwasher.
412
00:21:25,753 --> 00:21:26,852
I didn't even know sleep.
413
00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,787
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,
414
00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,255
brownie mix and clown porn.
415
00:21:30,257 --> 00:21:31,723
(LAUGHS)
416
00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,627
Who would do such a thing?
417
00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:40,732
Hopefully you, later tonight?
418
00:21:43,337 --> 00:21:48,340
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...
419
00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,243
a Yogurtland rewards card?
420
00:21:51,245 --> 00:21:54,012
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
421
00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,182
And a low-fat dessert.
422
00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,625
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
423
00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,928
It's time to put
balls in holes.
424
00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,598
You said whatever I want.
425
00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,600
I get it.
426
00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:16,101
You love skee ball.
427
00:22:16,103 --> 00:22:18,370
Apparently more than
you love vagina.
428
00:22:18,372 --> 00:22:20,839
That's a tough call.
(SCOFFS)
429
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,108
(STUTTERS) I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.
430
00:22:23,110 --> 00:22:25,110
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional
431
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,079
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.
432
00:22:27,081 --> 00:22:28,146
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
433
00:22:28,148 --> 00:22:29,214
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
434
00:22:29,216 --> 00:22:30,282
Balls in holes.
435
00:22:30,284 --> 00:22:31,917
Prepare to lose tragically.
436
00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,051
Bring it, big man.
437
00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:34,119
Okay.
438
00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:37,756
(MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO)
Uh-oh.
439
00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:39,224
Uh-oh.
440
00:22:40,327 --> 00:22:41,927
The limited edition
441
00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:45,197
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
442
00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:48,767
Okay. Here we go.
443
00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:50,902
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.
444
00:22:50,904 --> 00:22:52,838
And I will take
the pencil eraser.
445
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,239
BOY: Okay.
446
00:22:54,241 --> 00:22:57,142
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
447
00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,144
And you can erase stuff...
448
00:22:59,146 --> 00:23:00,912
written in pencil.
449
00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:02,280
M'lady?
450
00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,749
Well, I hate to
break it to you...
451
00:23:03,751 --> 00:23:06,018
but your 48 minutes
are up.
452
00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:08,920
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
453
00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,356
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together
454
00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:13,792
to form one super-bot, so...
455
00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:16,895
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.
456
00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:18,564
Deal.
457
00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,805
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
458
00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:22,100
Cuddle?
459
00:23:22,703 --> 00:23:24,202
(MOANING)
460
00:23:24,204 --> 00:23:26,338
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
461
00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,106
How long can you
keep this up?
462
00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:29,441
All year?
463
00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:30,709
(CHUCKLES)
464
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,412
(CONTINUES MOANING)
465
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,853
Happy Valentine's Day.
466
00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:51,063
Happy Chinese New Year.
467
00:23:51,065 --> 00:23:52,397
Year of the Dog.
468
00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:56,401
(EXHALES)
469
00:23:57,471 --> 00:23:59,271
Relax.
470
00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:01,440
And Happy
International Women's Day.
471
00:24:03,477 --> 00:24:04,743
(WHIP CRACKS)
472
00:24:05,979 --> 00:24:09,147
(GROANS) No. No. No.
473
00:24:11,385 --> 00:24:12,751
Happy Lent.
474
00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:16,488
(MOANING)
475
00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:17,889
Ow, ow.
476
00:24:17,891 --> 00:24:19,157
Wade?
Sorry.
477
00:24:19,159 --> 00:24:20,759
Happy Halloween.
478
00:24:20,761 --> 00:24:21,893
Happy Halloween.
479
00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:22,961
(LAUGHS)
480
00:24:24,098 --> 00:24:25,964
(CONTINUES MOANING)
481
00:24:31,438 --> 00:24:33,305
Happy Thanksgiving.
482
00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:36,242
I love you.
483
00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,314
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...
484
00:24:42,316 --> 00:24:44,116
and your right leg
is Christmas...
485
00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:46,985
can I visit you
between the holidays?
486
00:24:47,788 --> 00:24:48,887
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
487
00:24:48,889 --> 00:24:50,789
That sweater is terrible.
488
00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:51,890
(LAUGHS)
489
00:24:51,892 --> 00:24:53,325
But red looks good on you.
490
00:24:53,327 --> 00:24:54,760
Red's your color.
491
00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:56,294
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.
492
00:24:57,197 --> 00:24:58,296
Listen,
I've been thinking...
493
00:24:58,298 --> 00:25:00,132
Really?
494
00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:02,200
...about why we're
so good together.
495
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:04,136
Why's that?
496
00:25:04,138 --> 00:25:08,140
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.
497
00:25:08,142 --> 00:25:10,075
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
498
00:25:10,077 --> 00:25:11,810
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,
499
00:25:11,812 --> 00:25:13,411
you know,
the weird curvy edges...
500
00:25:13,413 --> 00:25:15,881
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.
501
00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:17,816
Right.
502
00:25:18,218 --> 00:25:20,051
Wade...
503
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,487
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
504
00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:25,157
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
505
00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:28,360
Will you, uh...
506
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,429
stick it in my...
Marry me?
507
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:35,433
Uh... Jinx?
508
00:25:35,435 --> 00:25:37,302
Huh.
509
00:25:37,304 --> 00:25:38,470
Where were you
hiding that?
510
00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,505
Nowhere.
511
00:25:40,507 --> 00:25:42,307
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...
512
00:25:42,309 --> 00:25:43,341
You mean?
513
00:25:43,343 --> 00:25:44,409
I do.
514
00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:45,477
That's my line.
515
00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:51,316
I love you, Wade Wilson.
516
00:25:51,318 --> 00:25:52,818
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
517
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,252
Yes!
Whoo!
518
00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,121
Yes!
519
00:25:56,123 --> 00:25:58,190
(LAUGHS)
520
00:25:58,192 --> 00:26:00,058
I feel just like
a little girl.
521
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,893
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
522
00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,332
What if I just held on
and never let go?
523
00:26:07,334 --> 00:26:10,068
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
524
00:26:10,070 --> 00:26:12,404
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
525
00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:14,172
Empire.
526
00:26:15,475 --> 00:26:16,942
Jesus Christ.
527
00:26:16,944 --> 00:26:18,944
It's like I made you
in a computer.
528
00:26:18,946 --> 00:26:20,512
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
529
00:26:20,514 --> 00:26:21,580
Mmm.
530
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:24,149
Hey.
531
00:26:25,152 --> 00:26:26,551
Perfect.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
532
00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:31,957
Let's see.
All right, wee break.
533
00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:33,225
Shake it, yeah.
534
00:26:37,898 --> 00:26:39,364
(SIGHS)
535
00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:40,999
WADE: Here's the thing.
536
00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,968
Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...
537
00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:47,372
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
538
00:26:47,374 --> 00:26:50,175
This had been the ultimate
commercial break.
539
00:26:50,177 --> 00:26:51,376
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(SIGHS)
540
00:26:52,512 --> 00:26:54,012
Which meant
it was time to return
541
00:26:54,014 --> 00:26:55,914
to our regularly
scheduled program.
542
00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,649
What the...
(THUDS)
543
00:26:57,651 --> 00:26:58,984
Oh, my God. Wade?
544
00:27:05,158 --> 00:27:06,992
You're clowning.
545
00:27:06,994 --> 00:27:08,593
You're not clowning?
546
00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:11,046
I sense clowns.
547
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,498
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.
548
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,401
There are certainly options
we can look into.
549
00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:18,270
New drugs are being
developed every day.
550
00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:24,342
So what do we do?
551
00:27:24,344 --> 00:27:27,946
Surely there is
something we can do.
552
00:27:27,948 --> 00:27:30,482
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...
553
00:27:30,484 --> 00:27:33,084
and there were all these new
experimental drugs from Germany.
554
00:27:33,086 --> 00:27:35,587
WADE: Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,
555
00:27:35,589 --> 00:27:37,589
all the way through Z.
556
00:27:37,591 --> 00:27:41,960
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
557
00:27:41,962 --> 00:27:44,329
Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.
558
00:27:44,331 --> 00:27:45,463
Or the last.
559
00:27:45,465 --> 00:27:47,132
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...
560
00:27:47,134 --> 00:27:48,967
Mr. Wilson?
561
00:27:48,969 --> 00:27:52,237
Take your time
to process this.
562
00:27:52,239 --> 00:27:54,239
It's important not to
do anything rash.
563
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,579
(WADE GRUNTS)
564
00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,617
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
565
00:28:05,619 --> 00:28:08,386
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack
566
00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:11,056
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?
567
00:28:11,058 --> 00:28:13,058
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
568
00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:15,994
Oh.
569
00:28:19,633 --> 00:28:20,699
(ENGINE ROARING)
570
00:28:21,635 --> 00:28:22,701
(GUN FIRING)
571
00:28:29,076 --> 00:28:30,141
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
572
00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:38,350
WADE: A hush falls
over the crowd
573
00:28:38,352 --> 00:28:40,652
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...
574
00:28:40,654 --> 00:28:44,289
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
575
00:28:46,093 --> 00:28:47,692
His form looks good.
576
00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:49,694
Oh!
577
00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:54,232
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.
578
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:56,534
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...
579
00:28:56,536 --> 00:28:59,004
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
580
00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:01,673
Oh! Giving him the business.
581
00:29:01,675 --> 00:29:04,009
Incoming!
582
00:29:04,011 --> 00:29:07,679
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
583
00:29:07,681 --> 00:29:08,747
(FRANCIS GROANS)
584
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,120
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.
585
00:29:15,122 --> 00:29:17,288
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.
586
00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:19,324
Ringing any bells? No?
587
00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:25,497
How about now?
588
00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,434
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
589
00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,636
Wade fucking Wilson.
590
00:29:34,174 --> 00:29:36,324
FRANCIS: Well,
hello, gorgeous.
591
00:29:36,325 --> 00:29:38,475
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
592
00:29:38,478 --> 00:29:41,679
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?
593
00:29:41,681 --> 00:29:43,715
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.
594
00:29:43,717 --> 00:29:45,550
Please,
you should thank me.
595
00:29:45,552 --> 00:29:47,185
Apparently,
I made you immortal.
596
00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:48,720
I'm actually
quite jealous.
597
00:29:48,722 --> 00:29:51,222
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
598
00:29:53,193 --> 00:29:54,826
Now, I'm about
to do to you
599
00:29:54,828 --> 00:29:57,362
what Limp Bizkit did to
music in the late 90s.
600
00:29:57,364 --> 00:29:58,496
(METAL CLANKS)
601
00:29:59,433 --> 00:30:00,498
Dad?
602
00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:06,604
WADE: I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways
603
00:30:06,606 --> 00:30:08,540
in the most colossal way.
604
00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,077
Well, maybe not the most.
605
00:30:12,079 --> 00:30:15,780
WADE: Uh... This is
my most prized possession.
606
00:30:16,349 --> 00:30:17,449
VANESSA: Wham?
607
00:30:17,451 --> 00:30:19,717
No, no, no. Wham!
608
00:30:19,719 --> 00:30:23,321
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
609
00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,857
So, am I supposed
to just smile
610
00:30:25,859 --> 00:30:27,325
and wave you out the door?
611
00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,726
Think of it like
spring cleaning.
612
00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:30,261
Only if spring
was death.
613
00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,630
God, if I had a nickel
for every time
614
00:30:32,632 --> 00:30:35,233
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.
615
00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:37,469
Sounds like you do.
(COINS JINGLING)
616
00:30:37,471 --> 00:30:39,404
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,
617
00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:41,406
because you're not
going anywhere.
618
00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:42,707
Drink.
619
00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,109
You're right.
Cancer is only in my liver,
620
00:30:44,111 --> 00:30:45,410
lungs, prostate, and brain.
621
00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:46,644
All things I can
live without.
622
00:30:47,747 --> 00:30:48,847
Ha.
623
00:30:48,849 --> 00:30:50,882
You belong here
at home.
624
00:30:50,884 --> 00:30:52,517
Surrounded by
your Voltron
625
00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:54,652
and your Bernadette,
and your me.
626
00:30:55,856 --> 00:30:59,491
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
627
00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,294
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the
628
00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,164
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
629
00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:12,704
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
630
00:31:13,907 --> 00:31:15,707
I want you to remember me.
631
00:31:17,244 --> 00:31:19,144
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.
632
00:31:19,146 --> 00:31:21,379
Well, I wanna remember us.
633
00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,815
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...
634
00:31:23,816 --> 00:31:26,250
and I'm gonna boom-box
Careless Whisper outside your window.
635
00:31:26,253 --> 00:31:27,652
Wham!
636
00:31:30,924 --> 00:31:34,192
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?
637
00:31:36,596 --> 00:31:38,196
We can fight this.
638
00:31:41,268 --> 00:31:44,269
Besides, I just
realized something.
639
00:31:44,271 --> 00:31:46,604
You win.
Your life is officially
640
00:31:46,606 --> 00:31:49,407
way more fucked up
than mine.
641
00:31:50,610 --> 00:31:52,744
(WADE CHUCKLES)
642
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,746
I love you.
643
00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:00,618
(MUSIC PLAYING)
644
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:07,625
Wade.
645
00:32:09,696 --> 00:32:11,262
Weas.
646
00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:13,565
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
647
00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,700
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
648
00:32:15,702 --> 00:32:17,468
How about three shots
of Patron?
649
00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:21,306
Or how about Triticum aestivum,
wheatgrass.
650
00:32:21,308 --> 00:32:22,640
Excellent for
the immune system.
651
00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:24,742
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.
652
00:32:24,744 --> 00:32:27,128
Here, check it out.
653
00:32:27,129 --> 00:32:29,513
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
654
00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,716
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.
655
00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,719
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?
656
00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:37,855
You got China
and Central Mexico.
657
00:32:37,857 --> 00:32:40,325
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?
658
00:32:40,327 --> 00:32:41,859
No.
659
00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,595
El Cancer.
Oh.
660
00:32:43,597 --> 00:32:45,863
I could have
guessed that.
661
00:32:45,865 --> 00:32:47,432
Look how happy
you look here.
662
00:32:47,434 --> 00:32:49,000
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,
663
00:32:49,002 --> 00:32:51,903
so I can remember
when you looked alive.
664
00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:53,905
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.
665
00:32:53,907 --> 00:32:56,708
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
666
00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,610
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
667
00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:01,012
Oh.
668
00:33:01,014 --> 00:33:03,715
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.
669
00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:06,651
Real Grim Reaper type.
670
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,686
I don't know.
Might further the plot.
671
00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:13,791
Boothe.
672
00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:14,959
Wade.
673
00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:20,265
(WADE SIGHS)
674
00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:21,699
Mr. Wilson.
675
00:33:21,701 --> 00:33:22,900
How can I help you?
676
00:33:22,902 --> 00:33:25,670
Besides luring children
into a panel van.
677
00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:29,440
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
678
00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:30,608
Stalker alert.
679
00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,511
It's my job.
Recruitment.
680
00:33:33,513 --> 00:33:36,948
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.
681
00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:39,417
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.
682
00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:42,320
41 confirmed kills.
683
00:33:42,322 --> 00:33:43,688
One every seven weeks.
684
00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,724
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...
685
00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:47,992
It's to wash
the taste out.
686
00:33:47,994 --> 00:33:51,562
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.
687
00:33:51,564 --> 00:33:53,598
And now you
spend your days
688
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:55,600
sticking up for
the little people...
689
00:33:55,602 --> 00:33:57,602
People change.
What do you want?
690
00:33:57,604 --> 00:34:00,738
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
691
00:34:02,609 --> 00:34:06,844
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
692
00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:11,015
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
693
00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:16,587
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,
694
00:34:16,589 --> 00:34:18,756
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.
695
00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,491
More Shake Weight-y.
696
00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:23,561
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.
697
00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,697
We won't just
make you better.
698
00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,766
We will make you
better than better.
699
00:34:29,703 --> 00:34:31,369
A superhero.
700
00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:34,105
Look, Agent Smith,
701
00:34:34,107 --> 00:34:36,741
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.
702
00:34:36,743 --> 00:34:39,510
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
703
00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,779
Oh, um...
704
00:34:41,781 --> 00:34:43,481
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,
705
00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:44,716
so you may wanna...
706
00:34:49,656 --> 00:34:50,922
His drink's on him.
707
00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,429
WEASEL: What did he say?
708
00:34:58,431 --> 00:34:59,664
(THUNDERCLAP)
709
00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:02,967
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
710
00:35:08,908 --> 00:35:10,408
(SNIFFLES)
711
00:35:20,887 --> 00:35:22,620
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?
712
00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:25,022
(SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry.
713
00:35:26,526 --> 00:35:29,427
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.
714
00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:30,895
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter
715
00:35:30,897 --> 00:35:32,630
and he just
wasn't having it.
716
00:35:40,173 --> 00:35:45,510
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.
717
00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:48,713
At some point you have
to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
718
00:35:48,715 --> 00:35:49,781
Hmm.
719
00:36:02,962 --> 00:36:06,964
WADE: The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
720
00:36:06,966 --> 00:36:10,101
but what it does to
the people you love.
721
00:36:10,103 --> 00:36:12,804
Who knew if this guy
could save my life...
722
00:36:12,806 --> 00:36:15,940
but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.
723
00:36:15,942 --> 00:36:17,475
(DOOR CLOSES)
724
00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:21,946
Isn't that what
superheroes do?
725
00:36:25,452 --> 00:36:26,517
(CARS HONKING)
726
00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,155
(PHONE RINGING)
727
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,496
WADE: Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.
728
00:36:38,965 --> 00:36:40,164
(THUDS)
Ow.
729
00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,134
Pro: They pull down
a gaggle of ass.
730
00:36:43,136 --> 00:36:44,702
Local dry cleaning discounts.
731
00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:46,571
Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories
732
00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,739
and larger ensemble
team movies.
733
00:36:48,741 --> 00:36:51,843
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.
734
00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,711
You know,
I can hear you.
735
00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,681
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
736
00:36:56,683 --> 00:36:58,983
Stay right here.
737
00:36:58,985 --> 00:37:01,252
COLOSSUS: You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
738
00:37:01,254 --> 00:37:04,989
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
739
00:37:04,991 --> 00:37:07,124
You will both
be coming with us.
740
00:37:07,126 --> 00:37:09,060
WADE: Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for
741
00:37:09,062 --> 00:37:11,162
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!
742
00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,097
And you are?
743
00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:16,634
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
744
00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:20,037
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
745
00:37:20,039 --> 00:37:21,939
That's the coolest name ever!
746
00:37:23,276 --> 00:37:26,010
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?
747
00:37:26,012 --> 00:37:27,645
No. Trainee.
748
00:37:27,647 --> 00:37:29,046
Let me guess.
749
00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:31,682
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?
750
00:37:31,684 --> 00:37:33,434
What does that make you?
751
00:37:33,435 --> 00:37:35,185
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
752
00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,654
Can we trade names?
753
00:37:36,656 --> 00:37:38,155
(FRANCIS GROANS)
Can we go?
754
00:37:38,157 --> 00:37:40,691
WADE: Look!
I'm a teenage girl.
755
00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,894
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.
756
00:37:42,896 --> 00:37:45,096
I'm all about
long sullen silences...
757
00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:49,033
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
758
00:37:49,035 --> 00:37:52,270
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
759
00:37:52,272 --> 00:37:54,972
or mean comment? Go on.
760
00:37:56,175 --> 00:37:57,542
You got me in a box here.
761
00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:58,643
Aha!
762
00:37:58,645 --> 00:38:00,645
We can't allow this,
Deadpool.
763
00:38:00,647 --> 00:38:02,046
Please, come quietly.
764
00:38:02,048 --> 00:38:04,315
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!
765
00:38:04,317 --> 00:38:05,767
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.
766
00:38:05,768 --> 00:38:07,218
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?
767
00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:11,789
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
768
00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,725
He's pure evil.
769
00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:18,029
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.
770
00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,731
(THUDS)
771
00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,603
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
772
00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:28,839
Wade, you are
better than this.
773
00:38:28,841 --> 00:38:31,208
Join us.
Use your powers for good.
774
00:38:31,210 --> 00:38:32,276
WADE: Heads up.
775
00:38:32,278 --> 00:38:33,744
Be a superhero.
776
00:38:33,746 --> 00:38:35,513
WADE: Listen!
777
00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:37,281
The day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
778
00:38:37,283 --> 00:38:40,685
who rooms with a bunch of other little
whiners at the Neverland mansion...
779
00:38:40,687 --> 00:38:45,623
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
780
00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:47,291
on that day...
781
00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,694
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
782
00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:52,163
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.
783
00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:54,966
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!
784
00:38:54,968 --> 00:38:56,233
COLOSSUS: Wade...
Hey.
785
00:38:56,235 --> 00:38:57,602
Zip it, Sinead!
786
00:38:57,604 --> 00:38:58,669
Hey, douche-pool!
787
00:38:58,671 --> 00:38:59,971
And I hope
you're watching...
788
00:38:59,973 --> 00:39:02,039
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
789
00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:03,674
(GASPS LOUDLY)
790
00:39:04,711 --> 00:39:06,377
Quite unfortunate.
791
00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,183
That does it!
792
00:39:12,185 --> 00:39:13,384
(METAL CLANKS)
793
00:39:13,386 --> 00:39:14,852
Oh!
794
00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,922
(GROANS) Canada!
795
00:39:19,058 --> 00:39:20,124
That's not good.
796
00:39:20,126 --> 00:39:21,292
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
797
00:39:21,294 --> 00:39:24,195
WADE: Cock shot!
(GROANS)
798
00:39:24,197 --> 00:39:26,030
Oh, your poor wife.
799
00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:28,265
You really should stop.
800
00:39:28,267 --> 00:39:29,700
(GROANING)
801
00:39:31,337 --> 00:39:33,938
All the dinosaurs
feared the T. rex.
802
00:39:35,308 --> 00:39:36,974
(WADE SCREAMS)
803
00:39:37,276 --> 00:39:38,843
(LAUGHS)
804
00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:40,778
WADE: I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!
805
00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:42,747
This is embarrassing.
(GROANS)
806
00:39:42,749 --> 00:39:45,416
Please, stay down.
807
00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:48,019
WADE: You ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?
808
00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:49,420
Do you have
off switch?
809
00:39:49,422 --> 00:39:51,188
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.
810
00:39:51,190 --> 00:39:52,323
Or is that the on switch?
811
00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:54,425
Enough!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
812
00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:56,193
(LAUGHS)
813
00:39:56,195 --> 00:39:57,828
(GROANING)
814
00:40:03,036 --> 00:40:05,302
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk
to the Professor.
815
00:40:05,304 --> 00:40:07,171
McAvoy or Stewart?
816
00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,407
These timelines
are so confusing.
817
00:40:10,810 --> 00:40:13,377
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"
818
00:40:13,379 --> 00:40:15,246
COLOSSUS: You will
recover, Wade.
819
00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,947
You always do.
820
00:40:21,354 --> 00:40:24,989
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.
821
00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,258
(SQUISHING NOISE)
822
00:40:28,695 --> 00:40:29,860
Oh, my God.
823
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:34,665
Nasty.
824
00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,331
WADE: Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.
825
00:40:35,334 --> 00:40:36,734
(RETCHING)
826
00:40:36,736 --> 00:40:38,469
Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.
827
00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:45,142
(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
828
00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:52,349
WADE: Rock, meet bottom.
829
00:40:52,351 --> 00:40:55,786
And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...
830
00:40:55,788 --> 00:40:59,990
you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.
831
00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:03,194
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
832
00:41:03,196 --> 00:41:06,897
This? Well, this was mine.
833
00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:09,767
AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson.
834
00:41:09,769 --> 00:41:14,205
Nothing warms my heart more than
a change of someone else's.
835
00:41:14,207 --> 00:41:16,040
You finally hit "fuck it."
836
00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,844
Just promise
you'll do right by me.
837
00:41:19,846 --> 00:41:21,912
So I can do right
by someone else.
838
00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:23,814
Of course.
839
00:41:23,816 --> 00:41:25,516
And please don't make
the super-suit green.
840
00:41:26,853 --> 00:41:28,319
Or animated.
841
00:41:30,123 --> 00:41:32,757
(MAN CHOKING)
842
00:41:34,861 --> 00:41:36,393
MAN: Move it! Keep moving.
843
00:41:36,395 --> 00:41:37,995
(PATIENT SCREAMING)
844
00:41:48,407 --> 00:41:51,342
This place seems sanitary.
845
00:41:51,344 --> 00:41:53,544
My first request
is warmer hands.
846
00:41:53,546 --> 00:41:57,448
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.
847
00:41:59,018 --> 00:42:01,218
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
848
00:42:01,220 --> 00:42:03,154
I'm thinking
"pork and beans."
849
00:42:06,425 --> 00:42:08,559
(GROANS) Easy.
850
00:42:10,496 --> 00:42:12,963
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?
851
00:42:13,533 --> 00:42:15,266
I'm calling wang.
852
00:42:15,268 --> 00:42:17,168
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
853
00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,371
What's up with the matches?
854
00:42:20,373 --> 00:42:23,307
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
855
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,575
(MUFFLED GROAN)
856
00:42:24,577 --> 00:42:26,076
Patience, Angel.
857
00:42:26,979 --> 00:42:28,579
All in good time.
858
00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:30,581
Are you here for
the turndown service, or what?
859
00:42:32,185 --> 00:42:33,751
We have another talker.
860
00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,318
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.
861
00:42:35,321 --> 00:42:37,521
Shut the fuck up.
862
00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:42,893
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
863
00:42:43,863 --> 00:42:46,997
I manage this workshop.
864
00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:50,267
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...
865
00:42:50,269 --> 00:42:51,902
"This may hurt a little."
866
00:42:51,904 --> 00:42:53,971
"This may cause you
some discomfort."
867
00:42:53,973 --> 00:42:56,273
But I've grown blunt.
868
00:42:56,275 --> 00:42:59,009
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
869
00:42:59,011 --> 00:43:02,546
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
870
00:43:02,548 --> 00:43:06,083
into men of
extraordinary abilities.
871
00:43:07,553 --> 00:43:11,021
But if you think super-human
powers are acquired painlessly...
872
00:43:11,891 --> 00:43:13,290
Wrong.
(GROANS)
873
00:43:13,292 --> 00:43:14,959
I'm injecting you
with a serum...
874
00:43:14,961 --> 00:43:17,561
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.
875
00:43:17,563 --> 00:43:21,565
For it to work we need to
subject you to extreme stress.
876
00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:27,071
(WADE GROANING)
877
00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:31,108
You've heard that whole "make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?
878
00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,577
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
879
00:43:33,579 --> 00:43:36,647
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.
880
00:43:36,649 --> 00:43:39,516
The treatment affects
everyone differently.
881
00:43:39,518 --> 00:43:42,653
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.
882
00:43:42,655 --> 00:43:47,258
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.
883
00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:50,294
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
884
00:43:51,998 --> 00:43:55,933
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.
885
00:43:57,270 --> 00:43:58,936
(MUMBLING)
886
00:44:04,277 --> 00:44:07,344
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
887
00:44:07,346 --> 00:44:10,080
You have something
in your teeth.
888
00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:12,283
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
889
00:44:12,285 --> 00:44:15,386
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.
890
00:44:15,388 --> 00:44:17,221
(SIGHS)
891
00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,690
It's been bothering me
for a long time.
892
00:44:19,692 --> 00:44:21,125
(LAUGHS)
893
00:44:21,127 --> 00:44:22,393
Ah, made you look.
894
00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:24,161
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?
895
00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:25,996
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.
896
00:44:25,998 --> 00:44:27,131
What is it, really?
897
00:44:27,133 --> 00:44:29,400
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
898
00:44:29,402 --> 00:44:31,702
Mitch? The Rickster?
899
00:44:31,704 --> 00:44:33,570
(in British accent)
Is it Basil Fawlty?
900
00:44:33,572 --> 00:44:35,539
Oh, joke away.
901
00:44:35,541 --> 00:44:37,041
One thing that never
survives this place
902
00:44:37,043 --> 00:44:39,043
is a sense of humor.
903
00:44:39,045 --> 00:44:40,210
We'll see about that.
904
00:44:40,212 --> 00:44:41,578
I suppose we will.
905
00:44:43,049 --> 00:44:44,548
He's all yours.
906
00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,317
Oh, come on.
907
00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:47,718
You're gonna leave me
all alone here.
908
00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:49,486
With less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?
909
00:44:50,056 --> 00:44:51,121
(GROANS)
910
00:44:53,726 --> 00:44:56,026
FRANCIS: This is how
it's going to work.
911
00:44:56,028 --> 00:44:59,530
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...
912
00:44:59,532 --> 00:45:02,199
so we're going
to have to make you suffer.
913
00:45:03,736 --> 00:45:05,736
FRANCIS: If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate
914
00:45:05,738 --> 00:45:08,672
and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.
915
00:45:09,675 --> 00:45:10,741
(GASPS)
916
00:45:13,045 --> 00:45:15,746
FRANCIS: If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...
917
00:45:15,748 --> 00:45:17,581
(WADE SHIVERING)
918
00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:19,016
in new and different ways,
919
00:45:19,018 --> 00:45:20,417
each more painful
than the last...
920
00:45:23,089 --> 00:45:25,422
until you finally mutate.
921
00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:28,292
Or die.
922
00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,633
CUNNINGHAM:
You mean a bucket list?
923
00:45:36,635 --> 00:45:39,103
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.
924
00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,371
I'd really like
to light a spliff
925
00:45:40,373 --> 00:45:42,306
off the Olympic torch.
926
00:45:42,308 --> 00:45:44,241
CUNNINGHAM: Pass it
to me right after.
927
00:45:44,243 --> 00:45:47,644
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping
928
00:45:47,646 --> 00:45:51,248
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.
929
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,752
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
930
00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,088
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
931
00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:01,258
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
932
00:46:01,660 --> 00:46:03,193
(LAUGHS)
933
00:46:05,731 --> 00:46:09,333
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.
934
00:46:12,638 --> 00:46:14,738
Vanessa.
935
00:46:18,277 --> 00:46:20,611
WADE: I wanna see Vanessa.
936
00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,146
FRANCIS: You're lovely.
937
00:46:22,148 --> 00:46:25,516
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.
938
00:46:25,518 --> 00:46:26,550
We were just joking.
939
00:46:26,552 --> 00:46:29,086
No, no. It's okay.
940
00:46:30,156 --> 00:46:32,523
I encourage distractions.
941
00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,825
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?
942
00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:36,760
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.
943
00:46:37,696 --> 00:46:40,230
How tough can he be...
944
00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,233
with a name like Francis?
945
00:46:43,636 --> 00:46:45,169
Francis?
946
00:46:45,171 --> 00:46:47,171
WADE: That's his legal name.
947
00:46:47,173 --> 00:46:50,641
(CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.
948
00:46:52,578 --> 00:46:56,346
F, R, A, N, C, I...
949
00:46:56,649 --> 00:46:58,215
Oops!
950
00:46:59,785 --> 00:47:02,753
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
951
00:47:04,590 --> 00:47:07,191
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
952
00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:08,559
You are so
relentlessly annoying.
953
00:47:08,561 --> 00:47:09,593
Thanks.
954
00:47:09,595 --> 00:47:11,228
Never heard that before.
955
00:47:11,230 --> 00:47:14,298
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?
956
00:47:14,300 --> 00:47:16,366
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.
957
00:47:16,669 --> 00:47:18,135
Oh...
958
00:47:18,137 --> 00:47:19,736
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
959
00:47:19,738 --> 00:47:21,371
See, here's the problem with
960
00:47:21,373 --> 00:47:23,207
round-the-clock torture...
961
00:47:23,209 --> 00:47:26,243
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
962
00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:31,215
Is that what you think?
963
00:47:36,355 --> 00:47:38,822
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...
964
00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,425
nothing will.
965
00:47:41,427 --> 00:47:42,943
Now, what we're going to do is
966
00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:44,460
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...
967
00:47:44,463 --> 00:47:47,364
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
968
00:47:47,366 --> 00:47:48,632
If your brainwaves slow,
969
00:47:48,634 --> 00:47:51,235
meaning you're
about to pass out...
970
00:47:51,237 --> 00:47:52,436
then we'll turn up the O2.
971
00:47:53,372 --> 00:47:54,771
If your heart rate slows...
972
00:47:54,773 --> 00:47:57,574
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...
973
00:47:57,576 --> 00:47:59,576
we'll turn it back down.
974
00:47:59,578 --> 00:48:01,245
And that's where
we'll leave you.
975
00:48:01,247 --> 00:48:03,614
Right there.
976
00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:05,883
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.
977
00:48:05,885 --> 00:48:09,219
FRANCIS: You know
the funniest part of this?
978
00:48:09,221 --> 00:48:12,389
You still think we're making
you a superhero.
979
00:48:12,391 --> 00:48:15,826
You. A dishonorable discharge.
980
00:48:16,529 --> 00:48:18,662
Hip-deep in hookers.
981
00:48:19,365 --> 00:48:20,931
You're nothing.
982
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,268
Little secret, Wade.
983
00:48:24,270 --> 00:48:26,203
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,
984
00:48:26,205 --> 00:48:29,406
we make super-slaves.
985
00:48:29,408 --> 00:48:31,241
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar
986
00:48:31,243 --> 00:48:33,810
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.
987
00:48:33,812 --> 00:48:36,213
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?
988
00:48:36,215 --> 00:48:39,616
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
989
00:48:41,687 --> 00:48:44,955
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
990
00:48:44,957 --> 00:48:47,624
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
991
00:48:52,765 --> 00:48:55,666
You're never going home
after this.
992
00:48:55,668 --> 00:48:57,901
Now there's a brave face.
993
00:48:58,837 --> 00:49:00,571
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
994
00:49:02,775 --> 00:49:06,777
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
995
00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:10,447
Enjoy your weekend.
996
00:49:10,449 --> 00:49:12,249
"Weekend"? Back up.
997
00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:13,483
Weekend?
998
00:49:14,286 --> 00:49:15,886
(MACHINE HISSING)
999
00:49:18,791 --> 00:49:20,390
(GASPING)
1000
00:49:20,392 --> 00:49:21,992
(CHOKING)
1001
00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,269
(EKG BEEPING)
1002
00:49:34,807 --> 00:49:36,473
(CHOKING)
(EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1003
00:49:54,994 --> 00:49:57,294
WADE: Did I say
this was a love story?
1004
00:49:57,296 --> 00:49:59,696
No, it's a horror movie.
1005
00:50:00,366 --> 00:50:01,898
(SCREAMING)
1006
00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,511
(GASPING)
1007
00:50:16,048 --> 00:50:18,382
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.
1008
00:50:18,384 --> 00:50:21,652
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.
1009
00:50:21,654 --> 00:50:23,787
What have you done to me?
1010
00:50:23,789 --> 00:50:25,322
I've merely raised
your stress levels
1011
00:50:25,324 --> 00:50:27,057
high enough
to trigger a mutation.
1012
00:50:27,059 --> 00:50:29,926
You sadistic fuck!
1013
00:50:29,928 --> 00:50:32,396
I've cured you, Wade.
1014
00:50:32,398 --> 00:50:35,032
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.
1015
00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:37,868
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
1016
00:50:39,038 --> 00:50:41,738
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.
1017
00:50:42,941 --> 00:50:44,007
I could cure them...
1018
00:50:47,646 --> 00:50:49,446
but where's the fun in that?
1019
00:50:51,650 --> 00:50:54,351
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.
1020
00:50:55,921 --> 00:50:57,954
Not because I need to.
1021
00:51:01,827 --> 00:51:03,694
Because I want to.
1022
00:51:05,431 --> 00:51:07,564
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1023
00:51:17,976 --> 00:51:19,576
Oh, well.
1024
00:51:19,578 --> 00:51:20,811
Go ahead.
1025
00:51:23,782 --> 00:51:25,649
Oh, you smell like shit.
1026
00:51:26,819 --> 00:51:28,852
(GRUNTS)
Whoa! (LAUGHS)
1027
00:51:28,854 --> 00:51:30,821
ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker.
1028
00:51:30,823 --> 00:51:32,789
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right, it's all right.
1029
00:51:33,826 --> 00:51:35,826
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?
1030
00:51:35,828 --> 00:51:38,395
You take off. Go on.
1031
00:51:38,964 --> 00:51:40,497
Off you go.
1032
00:51:51,443 --> 00:51:53,009
Quick question.
1033
00:51:55,147 --> 00:51:57,414
What's my name?
1034
00:52:02,988 --> 00:52:04,521
Didn't think so.
1035
00:52:06,158 --> 00:52:09,025
WADE: Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.
1036
00:52:09,027 --> 00:52:10,660
(GROANING)
1037
00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,177
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1038
00:52:57,943 --> 00:52:59,142
(EXPLODING)
1039
00:53:08,921 --> 00:53:11,621
(MEN SCREAMING
IN THE DISTANCE)
1040
00:53:14,226 --> 00:53:15,892
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1041
00:53:15,894 --> 00:53:17,494
(MAN COUGHING)
1042
00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,476
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1043
00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,255
(GROANS)
1044
00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,526
(GRUNTING)
1045
00:54:00,138 --> 00:54:01,204
(GROANING)
1046
00:54:05,544 --> 00:54:06,877
You don't want to kill me.
1047
00:54:06,879 --> 00:54:09,212
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
1048
00:54:09,214 --> 00:54:10,780
(GRUNTING)
1049
00:54:19,758 --> 00:54:21,124
(LAUGHS)
1050
00:54:21,126 --> 00:54:22,692
(GRUNTING)
1051
00:54:24,897 --> 00:54:26,830
(GROANING)
1052
00:54:45,183 --> 00:54:46,583
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
1053
00:54:47,586 --> 00:54:49,085
(RETCHING)
1054
00:54:50,055 --> 00:54:51,988
(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)
1055
00:54:55,260 --> 00:54:56,993
(GRUNTING)
1056
00:54:59,765 --> 00:55:01,798
(WADE BREATHING HEAVILY)
1057
00:55:05,938 --> 00:55:07,604
What's my name?
1058
00:55:13,679 --> 00:55:14,878
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.
1059
00:56:14,706 --> 00:56:15,939
(GROANS)
1060
00:56:22,114 --> 00:56:25,215
WADE: I didn't just getthe cure to el cancer...
1061
00:56:26,752 --> 00:56:29,352
I got the cureto el everything.
1062
00:56:33,025 --> 00:56:35,258
But there was
only one thing...
1063
00:56:35,260 --> 00:56:37,027
that really mattered.
1064
00:56:39,965 --> 00:56:42,699
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1065
00:56:48,707 --> 00:56:50,206
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1066
00:56:58,316 --> 00:57:00,717
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1067
00:57:01,987 --> 00:57:03,086
(INFANT CRYING)
1068
00:57:06,324 --> 00:57:07,390
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.
1069
00:57:12,864 --> 00:57:15,699
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.
1070
00:57:16,435 --> 00:57:18,935
Thank you so much.
1071
00:57:18,937 --> 00:57:20,937
(INDISTINCT
CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE)
1072
00:57:29,948 --> 00:57:32,182
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
1073
00:57:32,184 --> 00:57:33,750
WOMAN: Look at his face.
1074
00:57:33,752 --> 00:57:36,086
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.
1075
00:57:36,088 --> 00:57:37,220
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN:
Honey, don't stare.
1076
00:57:37,222 --> 00:57:38,488
MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak.
1077
00:57:38,490 --> 00:57:39,823
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1078
00:57:39,825 --> 00:57:41,024
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1079
00:57:58,844 --> 00:58:02,345
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
1080
00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:05,014
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.
1081
00:58:05,016 --> 00:58:07,384
Ah, bullshit!
1082
00:58:07,385 --> 00:58:09,753
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
1083
00:58:09,755 --> 00:58:12,288
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
1084
00:58:12,290 --> 00:58:14,023
Oh! Oh.
1085
00:58:14,025 --> 00:58:15,191
Do you like what you see?
1086
00:58:15,193 --> 00:58:16,926
No.
1087
00:58:16,928 --> 00:58:18,394
You look like an avocado
1088
00:58:18,396 --> 00:58:20,964
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.
1089
00:58:20,966 --> 00:58:22,132
Yeah.
1090
00:58:22,134 --> 00:58:24,200
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.
1091
00:58:24,202 --> 00:58:26,136
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
1092
00:58:26,138 --> 00:58:28,071
and that was
the only catharsis
1093
00:58:28,073 --> 00:58:29,973
that they could find
without violence.
1094
00:58:29,975 --> 00:58:32,375
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
1095
00:58:32,377 --> 00:58:35,211
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
1096
00:58:35,213 --> 00:58:37,147
And he's gone. Poof!
1097
00:58:37,149 --> 00:58:38,982
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...
1098
00:58:38,984 --> 00:58:40,116
because as of now,
1099
00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,018
you only have
one course of action.
1100
00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,253
Damn straight.
1101
00:58:43,255 --> 00:58:45,121
Find Francis.
Star in horror films.
1102
00:58:45,123 --> 00:58:46,222
What?
1103
00:58:46,224 --> 00:58:48,291
Star in your own horror films.
1104
00:58:48,293 --> 00:58:49,893
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger
1105
00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:53,129
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.
1106
00:58:53,131 --> 00:58:54,998
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.
1107
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,132
I'm gonna work
through his crew
1108
00:58:56,134 --> 00:58:58,118
until somebody
gives up Francis...
1109
00:58:58,119 --> 00:59:00,103
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...
1110
00:59:00,105 --> 00:59:01,871
and fuck the brain hole.
1111
00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:05,008
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
1112
00:59:05,010 --> 00:59:07,110
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?
1113
00:59:07,112 --> 00:59:08,378
Yeah.
1114
00:59:08,380 --> 00:59:09,913
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
1115
00:59:09,915 --> 00:59:11,514
What, like, wear a mask?
1116
00:59:11,516 --> 00:59:14,517
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
1117
00:59:15,153 --> 00:59:16,286
I am sorry...
1118
00:59:16,288 --> 00:59:19,022
you are haunting.
1119
00:59:19,024 --> 00:59:21,024
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.
1120
00:59:21,026 --> 00:59:22,325
Like a testicle with teeth.
1121
00:59:22,327 --> 00:59:24,160
You will die alone.
1122
00:59:24,162 --> 00:59:26,329
I mean, if you could die.
1123
00:59:26,331 --> 00:59:28,398
Ideally, for others' sake.
1124
00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:30,033
That'll do.
1125
00:59:30,035 --> 00:59:31,901
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
1126
00:59:31,903 --> 00:59:34,137
like Wade the Wisecracker...
1127
00:59:34,139 --> 00:59:37,273
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.
1128
00:59:37,909 --> 00:59:39,209
Oh, shit.
1129
00:59:39,578 --> 00:59:41,544
What?
1130
00:59:41,546 --> 00:59:43,580
I put all my money
on you and now...
1131
00:59:43,582 --> 00:59:45,181
I just realized
I'm never gonna win the, uh...
1132
00:59:45,183 --> 00:59:46,282
Dead pool.
1133
00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,488
Captain Deadpool...
1134
00:59:54,326 --> 00:59:55,458
No, just...
1135
00:59:55,460 --> 00:59:57,293
Just Deadpool, yeah.
Just Deadpool.
1136
00:59:57,295 --> 00:59:59,462
To you, Mr. Pool.
1137
00:59:59,464 --> 01:00:00,864
Deadpool.
1138
01:00:00,866 --> 01:00:02,165
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.
1139
01:00:02,167 --> 01:00:03,233
(GLASSES CLINK)
1140
01:00:16,581 --> 01:00:19,349
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.
1141
01:00:19,351 --> 01:00:20,984
(MAN GROANS)
Where's Francis?
1142
01:00:21,353 --> 01:00:23,286
(GRUNTING)
1143
01:00:25,924 --> 01:00:27,090
(GUN FIRING)
1144
01:00:27,092 --> 01:00:28,291
(GROANING)
1145
01:00:32,931 --> 01:00:33,997
(SIGHS)
1146
01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:36,566
WADE: Where's Francis?
1147
01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:47,010
AL: Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.
1148
01:00:48,213 --> 01:00:51,180
Or wear red. Dumbass.
1149
01:00:56,655 --> 01:00:58,354
(ALL CHEERING)
1150
01:01:03,028 --> 01:01:04,594
(CLAMORING)
1151
01:01:07,265 --> 01:01:08,431
(GROANING)
1152
01:01:08,433 --> 01:01:09,699
(GUN FIRING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1153
01:01:09,701 --> 01:01:11,334
WADE: Don't make me
ask twice.
1154
01:01:12,570 --> 01:01:14,137
Where...
1155
01:01:14,139 --> 01:01:16,673
is Francis?
1156
01:01:16,675 --> 01:01:18,508
He made me ask twice.
1157
01:01:18,510 --> 01:01:20,576
Is the mask muffling my voice?
1158
01:01:25,317 --> 01:01:26,950
Where's Francis?
1159
01:01:27,552 --> 01:01:29,419
(GUN FIRING)
1160
01:01:29,421 --> 01:01:31,354
Where the fuck is Francis?
1161
01:01:31,990 --> 01:01:33,056
(GROANING)
1162
01:01:36,294 --> 01:01:37,560
(GROANING)
1163
01:01:37,562 --> 01:01:40,029
(WADE LAUGHING)
1164
01:01:40,031 --> 01:01:43,333
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.
1165
01:01:43,335 --> 01:01:44,567
Where's Francis?
1166
01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:46,035
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
1167
01:01:46,037 --> 01:01:47,670
No! Please!
1168
01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:50,606
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
1169
01:01:50,608 --> 01:01:51,674
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
1170
01:01:51,676 --> 01:01:54,577
Oh! You little
spider monkey!
1171
01:01:54,579 --> 01:01:56,012
(TOILET FLUSHING)
1172
01:01:57,449 --> 01:02:01,050
Where... is... Francis?
1173
01:02:02,153 --> 01:02:03,353
This is confusing.
1174
01:02:03,355 --> 01:02:04,687
Is it sexist to hit you?
1175
01:02:04,689 --> 01:02:06,356
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?
1176
01:02:06,358 --> 01:02:08,725
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.
1177
01:02:08,727 --> 01:02:09,747
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1178
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,000
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
1179
01:02:12,497 --> 01:02:14,564
Tell me where
your fucking boss is
1180
01:02:14,566 --> 01:02:16,432
or you're gonna die!
1181
01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:18,167
In five minutes!
1182
01:02:28,213 --> 01:02:30,113
(WHISPERS)
Don't hesitate to call me.
1183
01:02:45,530 --> 01:02:47,730
Nice to see you, Jared.
1184
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,633
I'll take the footlong...
1185
01:02:50,635 --> 01:02:51,701
Fully loaded.
1186
01:02:53,104 --> 01:02:54,270
(GRUNTING)
(GUNS FIRING)
1187
01:02:59,110 --> 01:03:00,309
(PANTING)
1188
01:03:02,414 --> 01:03:03,713
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
1189
01:03:05,784 --> 01:03:07,350
(GROANS) Whoa, whoa!
1190
01:03:07,352 --> 01:03:09,085
41 confirmed kills.
1191
01:03:09,087 --> 01:03:11,454
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.
1192
01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:13,356
Mr. Wilson?
1193
01:03:13,358 --> 01:03:14,457
Ding-ding.
1194
01:03:15,260 --> 01:03:17,560
You're looking
very alive.
1195
01:03:17,562 --> 01:03:19,829
Ha! Only on the outside!
1196
01:03:19,831 --> 01:03:21,497
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?
1197
01:03:21,499 --> 01:03:22,799
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.
1198
01:03:22,801 --> 01:03:24,167
Where's your boss?
1199
01:03:24,169 --> 01:03:25,668
I can tell you exactly...
1200
01:03:25,670 --> 01:03:27,437
(SHUSHING MOCKINGLY)
1201
01:03:27,439 --> 01:03:29,806
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...
1202
01:03:29,808 --> 01:03:32,275
You might wanna
look away for this.
1203
01:03:32,277 --> 01:03:33,576
Now this little piggy
went to...
1204
01:03:33,578 --> 01:03:34,744
(AGENT SMITH SCREAMS)
1205
01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:38,081
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.
1206
01:03:41,519 --> 01:03:42,585
Taxi!
1207
01:03:44,122 --> 01:03:46,422
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
1208
01:03:46,424 --> 01:03:48,291
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
1209
01:03:48,293 --> 01:03:49,933
WADE: And we all know
how this turned out.
1210
01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,797
Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.
1211
01:04:02,707 --> 01:04:04,874
There. All caught up.
1212
01:04:04,876 --> 01:04:06,542
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
1213
01:04:12,550 --> 01:04:15,151
We're here.
1214
01:04:15,153 --> 01:04:18,521
(GROANS) Sorry about
bleeding in all your garbage.
1215
01:04:20,859 --> 01:04:22,525
(GRUNTS)
1216
01:04:24,696 --> 01:04:26,796
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
1217
01:04:27,298 --> 01:04:28,865
Whoo!
1218
01:04:28,867 --> 01:04:31,567
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...
1219
01:04:31,569 --> 01:04:33,736
like the kind where
your year-long plan
1220
01:04:33,738 --> 01:04:37,340
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!
1221
01:04:37,342 --> 01:04:40,243
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,
1222
01:04:40,245 --> 01:04:42,478
there's no place like home.
1223
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,580
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,
1224
01:04:44,582 --> 01:04:47,350
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.
1225
01:04:47,352 --> 01:04:49,252
God, I miss cocaine.
1226
01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:51,738
Her.
1227
01:04:51,739 --> 01:04:54,223
(GASPS) Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
1228
01:04:54,225 --> 01:04:57,326
That's like 16 walls.
1229
01:04:57,328 --> 01:04:58,794
She's like Robin to my Batman,
1230
01:04:58,796 --> 01:05:02,732
except she's old,
and black, and blind.
1231
01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,767
And I think
she's in love with me.
1232
01:05:04,769 --> 01:05:08,371
WADE: Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.
1233
01:05:08,373 --> 01:05:09,572
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1234
01:05:13,878 --> 01:05:15,278
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1235
01:05:16,814 --> 01:05:18,281
(AL GROANS)
1236
01:05:18,283 --> 01:05:19,348
WADE: Al?
1237
01:05:21,619 --> 01:05:23,219
Morning, sleepyhead.
1238
01:05:23,221 --> 01:05:24,520
(GRUNTS)
1239
01:05:24,522 --> 01:05:26,689
It smells like
old lady pants in here.
1240
01:05:26,691 --> 01:05:28,691
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.
1241
01:05:28,693 --> 01:05:30,560
But you're no lady.
1242
01:05:30,562 --> 01:05:33,829
Oh! So comfy.
1243
01:05:33,831 --> 01:05:36,899
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
1244
01:05:36,901 --> 01:05:38,434
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
1245
01:05:38,436 --> 01:05:39,936
AL: Yes, I know.
1246
01:05:39,938 --> 01:05:42,705
Downside of being blind...
1247
01:05:42,707 --> 01:05:45,274
I hear everything
in this duplex.
1248
01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:46,342
(GROANS)
1249
01:05:47,312 --> 01:05:48,544
Sit on a stick.
1250
01:05:48,546 --> 01:05:49,579
Bactin?
1251
01:05:49,581 --> 01:05:53,716
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
1252
01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,586
How's that Kullen
coming along?
1253
01:05:56,588 --> 01:05:58,688
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.
1254
01:05:58,690 --> 01:06:01,691
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
1255
01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,327
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.
1256
01:06:04,329 --> 01:06:06,862
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.
1257
01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:10,967
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
1258
01:06:10,969 --> 01:06:13,836
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
1259
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,004
Screw, please.
1260
01:06:15,006 --> 01:06:16,572
Here? Now?
Just kidding.
1261
01:06:16,574 --> 01:06:17,740
I know it's been decades.
1262
01:06:17,742 --> 01:06:18,908
You'd be surprised.
1263
01:06:19,611 --> 01:06:20,776
Pretty grossed out.
1264
01:06:22,714 --> 01:06:25,281
(GROANS) Ta... Da.
1265
01:06:30,855 --> 01:06:34,490
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.
1266
01:06:34,492 --> 01:06:35,758
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,
1267
01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,026
"blind to
life's imperfections.
1268
01:06:37,028 --> 01:06:38,811
"Must be good with hands."
1269
01:06:38,812 --> 01:06:40,595
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?
1270
01:06:40,598 --> 01:06:42,565
Why such a douche
this morning?
1271
01:06:43,334 --> 01:06:45,034
Let's recap.
1272
01:06:45,035 --> 01:06:46,735
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...
1273
01:06:46,738 --> 01:06:48,537
slipped through
my arms today...
1274
01:06:50,008 --> 01:06:51,707
Arm.
1275
01:06:51,709 --> 01:06:53,042
Catching him was
my only chance
1276
01:06:53,044 --> 01:06:54,877
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...
1277
01:06:54,879 --> 01:06:57,346
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.
1278
01:06:57,348 --> 01:06:59,348
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun
1279
01:06:59,350 --> 01:07:00,983
as a sandpaper dildo.
1280
01:07:01,753 --> 01:07:02,885
(WADE FARTS)
1281
01:07:02,887 --> 01:07:04,553
# driveby.
1282
01:07:21,906 --> 01:07:23,939
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
1283
01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:29,045
Fucking Wade Wilson.
1284
01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:32,048
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.
1285
01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:33,716
I only wish I healed the same.
1286
01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,523
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.
1287
01:07:40,525 --> 01:07:42,024
On our terms.
1288
01:07:42,026 --> 01:07:43,893
Right.
And when he heals?
1289
01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,028
He can't.
1290
01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:48,664
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
1291
01:07:48,666 --> 01:07:52,702
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
1292
01:07:54,005 --> 01:07:55,604
I like a challenge.
1293
01:07:56,841 --> 01:07:58,974
But he's bad
for business.
1294
01:07:58,976 --> 01:08:00,810
Now let's go
find him.
1295
01:08:01,679 --> 01:08:02,745
Oh.
1296
01:08:03,681 --> 01:08:05,114
(WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY)
1297
01:08:05,116 --> 01:08:06,716
Tylenol PM?
1298
01:08:06,718 --> 01:08:09,618
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
1299
01:08:09,620 --> 01:08:11,987
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
1300
01:08:11,989 --> 01:08:16,058
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
1301
01:08:16,961 --> 01:08:18,861
(SIGHS)
1302
01:08:18,863 --> 01:08:21,831
But I appreciate the gesture.
1303
01:08:21,833 --> 01:08:26,435
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
1304
01:08:26,437 --> 01:08:28,471
About the size of
a KFC spork.
1305
01:08:28,473 --> 01:08:30,373
Ugh.
1306
01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,608
I get why you're so pissy...
1307
01:08:32,610 --> 01:08:34,143
but your mood's
never gonna brighten
1308
01:08:34,145 --> 01:08:35,611
till you find this woman...
1309
01:08:35,613 --> 01:08:36,979
and tell her how you feel.
1310
01:08:36,981 --> 01:08:38,681
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?
1311
01:08:38,683 --> 01:08:40,516
She wouldn't have me.
1312
01:08:40,518 --> 01:08:42,151
If you could see me,
you'd understand.
1313
01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:43,486
Looks aren't everything.
1314
01:08:43,488 --> 01:08:44,620
Looks are everything.
1315
01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:46,722
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?
1316
01:08:46,724 --> 01:08:49,058
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
1317
01:08:49,060 --> 01:08:50,626
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far
1318
01:08:50,628 --> 01:08:52,495
on his superior acting method?
1319
01:08:52,497 --> 01:08:53,763
Love is blind, Wade.
1320
01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:54,830
No.
1321
01:08:55,867 --> 01:08:57,800
You're blind.
1322
01:08:57,802 --> 01:09:00,770
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
1323
01:09:00,772 --> 01:09:02,872
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...
1324
01:09:02,874 --> 01:09:03,906
and then I'm gonna
come up with
1325
01:09:03,908 --> 01:09:05,108
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.
1326
01:09:05,810 --> 01:09:07,076
In the meantime,
1327
01:09:07,078 --> 01:09:09,078
you might wanna
leave the room.
1328
01:09:09,080 --> 01:09:11,680
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.
1329
01:09:12,917 --> 01:09:16,085
Go, go, go.
1330
01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:17,887
WEASEL: So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is
1331
01:09:17,889 --> 01:09:19,339
"you don't have
that long to live."
1332
01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:20,790
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1333
01:09:20,792 --> 01:09:22,758
The doctor says, "Five."
1334
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,493
The guy says, "Five what?"
1335
01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:27,696
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1336
01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:28,898
(ALL LAUGHING)
1337
01:09:35,540 --> 01:09:37,039
Can I help you ladies?
1338
01:09:39,677 --> 01:09:40,843
Oh, I do hope so.
1339
01:09:44,949 --> 01:09:46,582
I heard you might be
able to point me
1340
01:09:46,584 --> 01:09:49,685
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.
1341
01:09:49,687 --> 01:09:50,753
Name of Wade Wilson.
1342
01:09:52,123 --> 01:09:53,456
Sorry.
1343
01:09:53,458 --> 01:09:54,990
I don't know the name.
1344
01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,733
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
1345
01:10:08,239 --> 01:10:10,206
I've seen this girl.
1346
01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,707
FRANCIS:
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
1347
01:10:11,709 --> 01:10:12,908
I've heard so much about you.
1348
01:10:13,544 --> 01:10:14,610
(GROANING)
1349
01:10:17,114 --> 01:10:19,882
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.
1350
01:10:19,884 --> 01:10:22,651
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1351
01:10:23,888 --> 01:10:25,721
Easy, Angel.
1352
01:10:25,723 --> 01:10:27,089
Put the little man down.
1353
01:10:28,693 --> 01:10:30,826
We have everything
we need now.
1354
01:10:30,828 --> 01:10:32,628
You sure?
1355
01:10:32,630 --> 01:10:35,731
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
1356
01:10:35,733 --> 01:10:38,534
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
1357
01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:42,004
Whoo.
1358
01:10:42,006 --> 01:10:43,839
Thanks for having
my back, guys.
1359
01:10:48,779 --> 01:10:51,146
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.
1360
01:10:51,148 --> 01:10:53,916
And by "we," I mean "you."
1361
01:10:53,918 --> 01:10:56,051
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
1362
01:10:56,053 --> 01:10:58,988
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?
1363
01:10:58,990 --> 01:11:01,156
Yeah, "afrangry",
I guess.
1364
01:11:01,158 --> 01:11:03,025
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
1365
01:11:03,027 --> 01:11:04,293
Fuck me!
1366
01:11:04,295 --> 01:11:06,295
Uh, maybe not
start with that.
1367
01:11:06,297 --> 01:11:08,130
(TRAP MUSIC PLAYING)
1368
01:11:12,136 --> 01:11:15,604
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...
1369
01:11:15,606 --> 01:11:17,806
give it up for Chastity!
1370
01:11:17,808 --> 01:11:19,108
(ALL CHEERING)
1371
01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,913
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.
1372
01:11:23,915 --> 01:11:26,048
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.
1373
01:11:26,050 --> 01:11:27,683
How do you know
she's in here?
1374
01:11:27,685 --> 01:11:30,853
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.
1375
01:11:44,902 --> 01:11:48,704
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
1376
01:11:55,813 --> 01:12:00,082
WADE: Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
1377
01:12:00,084 --> 01:12:02,284
Especially from this angle.
1378
01:12:21,372 --> 01:12:22,705
(MUSIC FADES IN)
1379
01:12:22,707 --> 01:12:23,906
(MEN CHEERING)
1380
01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:27,109
ANNOUNCER: You can't buy love,
1381
01:12:27,111 --> 01:12:29,912
but you can rent it
for three minutes.
1382
01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,081
(EXHALES)
1383
01:12:32,850 --> 01:12:35,651
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
1384
01:12:36,220 --> 01:12:37,286
Come on!
1385
01:12:38,389 --> 01:12:39,855
Come on, get it together.
1386
01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,924
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.
1387
01:12:45,963 --> 01:12:47,296
Here we go.
1388
01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:51,667
Maximum effort.
1389
01:12:55,006 --> 01:12:56,171
Vanessa.
1390
01:12:58,743 --> 01:13:00,743
Someone out back
asking for you.
1391
01:13:00,745 --> 01:13:02,911
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.
1392
01:13:30,141 --> 01:13:31,273
I knew it was you.
1393
01:13:33,077 --> 01:13:35,110
The weird,
curvy edges.
1394
01:13:36,681 --> 01:13:38,414
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1395
01:13:48,426 --> 01:13:50,392
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.
1396
01:13:53,097 --> 01:13:54,163
(VANESSA GROANS)
1397
01:13:59,336 --> 01:14:01,070
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1398
01:14:01,072 --> 01:14:03,038
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.
1399
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,406
Go get her, tiger.
1400
01:14:27,364 --> 01:14:29,865
(SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck!
1401
01:14:32,369 --> 01:14:34,203
Motherfucker!
1402
01:14:34,205 --> 01:14:35,337
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...
1403
01:14:35,339 --> 01:14:36,405
Cock juggling...
1404
01:14:36,406 --> 01:14:37,472
We can talk about
what we're gonna...
1405
01:14:37,475 --> 01:14:38,507
Jiminy! Fuck face!
1406
01:14:38,509 --> 01:14:39,942
Okay, or you
can hit that.
1407
01:14:39,944 --> 01:14:41,844
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck! Fuck!
1408
01:14:41,846 --> 01:14:43,212
No, no.
All right. Hey!
1409
01:14:43,214 --> 01:14:44,980
Fuck! Fuck!
1410
01:14:44,982 --> 01:14:46,515
Fuck!
Hey, um...
1411
01:14:46,517 --> 01:14:49,118
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1412
01:14:49,120 --> 01:14:50,419
Okay. I think
that's a good start.
1413
01:14:50,421 --> 01:14:52,488
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...
1414
01:14:52,490 --> 01:14:53,756
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Wait.
1415
01:14:53,758 --> 01:14:55,224
Find it! Find it.
What?
1416
01:14:55,226 --> 01:14:57,092
I'm gonna get angry.
Okay. All right.
1417
01:14:57,094 --> 01:14:58,961
All right. Okay. All right.
1418
01:14:58,963 --> 01:15:00,262
Here. This is Vanessa.
1419
01:15:00,264 --> 01:15:02,297
What?
No, wait. It's Francis.
1420
01:15:02,299 --> 01:15:05,100
He wants you
to come to him.
1421
01:15:05,102 --> 01:15:06,869
What is that?
That's the shit emoji.
1422
01:15:06,871 --> 01:15:09,004
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?
1423
01:15:09,006 --> 01:15:11,340
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.
1424
01:15:12,042 --> 01:15:13,275
I need guns.
1425
01:15:13,277 --> 01:15:14,409
Okay, which ones?
1426
01:15:14,411 --> 01:15:15,544
I need all the guns!
1427
01:15:15,546 --> 01:15:17,012
All right. Okay.
1428
01:15:17,014 --> 01:15:18,514
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
1429
01:15:37,468 --> 01:15:39,101
That's about 3,000 rounds.
1430
01:15:40,037 --> 01:15:42,404
We all know
what I can do with 12.
1431
01:15:42,406 --> 01:15:44,573
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!
1432
01:15:44,575 --> 01:15:45,941
We're downrange.
1433
01:15:47,211 --> 01:15:48,877
I was gonna
spend the night
1434
01:15:48,879 --> 01:15:52,014
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding my interest.
1435
01:15:52,016 --> 01:15:54,917
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.
1436
01:15:54,919 --> 01:15:56,919
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1437
01:15:56,921 --> 01:15:59,588
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.
1438
01:15:59,590 --> 01:16:01,924
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.
1439
01:16:01,926 --> 01:16:03,392
Up, up, up.
1440
01:16:04,428 --> 01:16:05,961
Oh. Down, down, down.
1441
01:16:05,963 --> 01:16:07,029
Fuck you.
1442
01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:11,533
.45 cal. I like it.
1443
01:16:13,571 --> 01:16:15,003
Wade...
1444
01:16:16,106 --> 01:16:18,974
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.
1445
01:16:22,046 --> 01:16:23,345
Uh...
1446
01:16:23,347 --> 01:16:24,546
Listen, Al...
1447
01:16:25,516 --> 01:16:28,183
if I never see
you again,
1448
01:16:28,185 --> 01:16:31,620
I want you to know that
I love you very much.
1449
01:16:31,622 --> 01:16:35,490
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine
1450
01:16:35,492 --> 01:16:37,025
buried somewhere
in the apartment...
1451
01:16:37,027 --> 01:16:39,862
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.
1452
01:16:45,202 --> 01:16:46,635
You wanna get fucked up?
1453
01:16:46,637 --> 01:16:48,303
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)
1454
01:16:51,542 --> 01:16:54,076
(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)
1455
01:16:54,945 --> 01:16:56,511
(MUMBLING)
1456
01:16:56,513 --> 01:16:58,180
Put her down
over here.
1457
01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,916
(WHIMPERS)
1458
01:17:03,420 --> 01:17:05,187
(MUMBLING CONTINUES)
1459
01:17:08,259 --> 01:17:09,491
Go on then.
1460
01:17:11,996 --> 01:17:14,997
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.
1461
01:17:14,999 --> 01:17:18,300
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.
1462
01:17:18,302 --> 01:17:20,135
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,
1463
01:17:20,137 --> 01:17:21,536
you've got the wrong girl.
1464
01:17:21,538 --> 01:17:23,238
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.
1465
01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:27,009
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1466
01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:28,277
Like a cockroach...
1467
01:17:28,279 --> 01:17:30,545
but uglier.
1468
01:17:30,547 --> 01:17:35,183
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.
1469
01:17:35,185 --> 01:17:37,225
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1470
01:17:46,063 --> 01:17:47,529
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1471
01:17:48,165 --> 01:17:50,132
Fuck, you're old.
1472
01:17:50,134 --> 01:17:51,566
(CACKLES)
1473
01:17:51,568 --> 01:17:54,036
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.
1474
01:17:54,038 --> 01:17:55,370
Go get Silver Balls.
1475
01:17:55,372 --> 01:17:57,940
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1476
01:17:57,942 --> 01:17:59,174
Oh, like there's
something wrong
1477
01:17:59,176 --> 01:18:00,709
with eating before sundown
or saving money.
1478
01:18:00,711 --> 01:18:04,246
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1479
01:18:04,682 --> 01:18:06,615
He's got my girl.
1480
01:18:06,617 --> 01:18:08,450
You're gonna
help me get her back.
1481
01:18:08,452 --> 01:18:10,352
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?
1482
01:18:10,354 --> 01:18:12,020
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
1483
01:18:12,022 --> 01:18:14,957
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
1484
01:18:17,461 --> 01:18:18,560
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?
1485
01:18:18,562 --> 01:18:20,128
It's a big house.
1486
01:18:20,130 --> 01:18:21,964
It's funny that I only
ever see two of you.
1487
01:18:21,966 --> 01:18:24,247
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
1488
01:18:27,604 --> 01:18:29,237
WADE: And that is why,
in my opinion...
1489
01:18:29,239 --> 01:18:32,975
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1490
01:18:32,977 --> 01:18:34,643
Who brought
this twinkly man?
1491
01:18:34,645 --> 01:18:36,745
Twinkly, but deadly.
1492
01:18:36,747 --> 01:18:39,348
My chrome-penised
friend back there
1493
01:18:39,350 --> 01:18:41,450
has agreed
to do me this solid.
1494
01:18:41,452 --> 01:18:43,452
In exchange,
I said that I would
1495
01:18:43,454 --> 01:18:45,487
consider joining his boy band.
1496
01:18:45,489 --> 01:18:46,755
It's not boy band.
1497
01:18:46,757 --> 01:18:48,590
Sure it's not.
1498
01:18:48,592 --> 01:18:51,626
(SIGHS LOUDLY) So,
any luck winning Gita back?
1499
01:18:51,628 --> 01:18:54,229
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...
1500
01:18:54,231 --> 01:18:58,467
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1501
01:18:58,469 --> 01:19:00,302
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.
1502
01:19:02,339 --> 01:19:03,538
(MAN SCREAMS)
1503
01:19:03,540 --> 01:19:04,780
(PUNJABI MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
1504
01:19:06,143 --> 01:19:07,709
Dopinder.
Hmm?
1505
01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,178
What was that?
1506
01:19:10,748 --> 01:19:12,147
Uh...
1507
01:19:12,149 --> 01:19:17,719
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.
1508
01:19:18,389 --> 01:19:20,456
Ban who?
1509
01:19:20,457 --> 01:19:22,524
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1510
01:19:22,526 --> 01:19:24,292
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1511
01:19:24,294 --> 01:19:26,294
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,
1512
01:19:26,296 --> 01:19:28,196
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.
1513
01:19:29,400 --> 01:19:31,166
I did not tell him
to do that.
1514
01:19:31,168 --> 01:19:33,769
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1515
01:19:33,771 --> 01:19:37,172
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1516
01:19:37,174 --> 01:19:38,807
(WHISPERS)
I'm so proud of you.
1517
01:19:38,808 --> 01:19:40,441
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.
1518
01:19:40,444 --> 01:19:41,510
(WHISPERS) Kill him.
1519
01:19:41,512 --> 01:19:43,678
And then,
win Gita back...
1520
01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:46,548
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
1521
01:19:46,550 --> 01:19:48,150
(WHISPERS) Kidnap her.
1522
01:19:49,453 --> 01:19:50,652
He's super dead.
1523
01:19:51,188 --> 01:19:52,254
Whoa!
1524
01:19:56,160 --> 01:19:57,692
I presume a crisp
high five?
1525
01:19:57,694 --> 01:20:00,562
For you? 10.
1526
01:20:00,564 --> 01:20:03,432
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
1527
01:20:03,434 --> 01:20:05,400
(WHISPERS)
You know what to do.
1528
01:20:06,303 --> 01:20:09,071
Knock 'em dead,
Pool Boy!
1529
01:20:10,174 --> 01:20:12,240
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1530
01:20:13,577 --> 01:20:15,310
WADE: Not often
a dude ruins your face...
1531
01:20:15,312 --> 01:20:18,313
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
1532
01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:20,082
and personally sees to four
1533
01:20:20,084 --> 01:20:22,484
of your five
shittiest moments.
1534
01:20:22,486 --> 01:20:26,688
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
1535
01:20:39,603 --> 01:20:41,103
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey.
1536
01:20:41,105 --> 01:20:42,404
Where's your duffle bag?
1537
01:20:43,740 --> 01:20:45,273
(PHONE RINGING)
1538
01:20:46,510 --> 01:20:50,378
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
1539
01:20:54,585 --> 01:20:55,717
(TRUCK HONKING)
1540
01:20:56,453 --> 01:20:57,586
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1541
01:20:57,588 --> 01:20:59,421
(THUDS)
(BANDHU SCREAMS)
1542
01:21:01,225 --> 01:21:04,192
DOPINDER: Bandhu?
1543
01:21:04,194 --> 01:21:06,261
DOPINDER: Leave a message
and have a happy day.
1544
01:21:06,263 --> 01:21:07,629
God damn it!
1545
01:21:07,631 --> 01:21:09,397
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...
1546
01:21:09,399 --> 01:21:12,834
with two swords
and maximum effort.
1547
01:21:13,770 --> 01:21:14,870
Cue the music.
1548
01:21:14,872 --> 01:21:17,172
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
1549
01:21:25,282 --> 01:21:26,581
(MUSIC STOPS)
1550
01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,922
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!
1551
01:21:33,924 --> 01:21:35,657
What's my name?
1552
01:21:35,659 --> 01:21:37,859
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.
1553
01:21:40,230 --> 01:21:41,363
Go get some.
1554
01:21:41,365 --> 01:21:42,531
Superhero landing.
1555
01:21:42,533 --> 01:21:43,665
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.
1556
01:21:43,667 --> 01:21:44,733
Wait for it.
1557
01:21:47,938 --> 01:21:49,237
WADE: Whoo!
1558
01:21:49,239 --> 01:21:50,805
Superhero landing!
1559
01:21:50,807 --> 01:21:52,307
You know, that's really
hard on your knees.
1560
01:21:52,309 --> 01:21:54,276
Totally impractical.
They all do it.
1561
01:21:54,278 --> 01:21:57,546
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.
1562
01:21:57,548 --> 01:21:58,847
That's why
I brought him.
1563
01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:02,184
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...
1564
01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:05,587
(GROANS)
1565
01:22:09,293 --> 01:22:12,394
I mean,
that's why I brought her?
1566
01:22:13,797 --> 01:22:15,964
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1567
01:22:15,966 --> 01:22:17,666
Just give us a second.
Yeah.
1568
01:22:17,668 --> 01:22:19,201
There you go.
Hashtag it.
1569
01:22:20,437 --> 01:22:22,370
Go get her, tiger.
1570
01:22:23,540 --> 01:22:25,407
(GROANS)
1571
01:22:28,845 --> 01:22:32,681
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
1572
01:22:33,417 --> 01:22:35,217
All right, then. Fire!
1573
01:22:35,219 --> 01:22:36,651
(GUNS FIRING)
1574
01:22:42,893 --> 01:22:43,959
(GRUNTS)
1575
01:22:46,630 --> 01:22:48,363
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!
1576
01:22:48,365 --> 01:22:49,464
Language, please.
1577
01:22:49,466 --> 01:22:50,699
Suck a cock.
1578
01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,267
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1579
01:23:16,627 --> 01:23:18,426
Look away, child.
1580
01:23:18,929 --> 01:23:20,462
Look away!
1581
01:23:21,031 --> 01:23:22,530
(SCREAMING)
1582
01:23:27,671 --> 01:23:29,004
WADE: Wait!
1583
01:23:29,006 --> 01:23:30,338
Wait!
1584
01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:31,373
Cease fire!
1585
01:23:31,375 --> 01:23:32,674
Cease fire!
1586
01:23:32,676 --> 01:23:34,309
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1587
01:23:35,545 --> 01:23:39,381
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.
1588
01:23:39,383 --> 01:23:41,549
So, I'mma give you a chance
1589
01:23:41,551 --> 01:23:43,418
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...
1590
01:23:43,420 --> 01:23:46,488
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1591
01:23:46,490 --> 01:23:50,058
possibly even
lover-like treatment.
1592
01:23:50,060 --> 01:23:51,893
(GUNS FIRING)
1593
01:23:51,895 --> 01:23:53,061
Fine.
1594
01:23:53,063 --> 01:23:54,362
Commando!
1595
01:23:55,032 --> 01:23:56,598
(GRUNTING)
1596
01:24:02,939 --> 01:24:04,372
(EXHALING)
1597
01:24:04,975 --> 01:24:06,474
(GRUNTING)
1598
01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:09,644
(COLOSSUS GRUNTS)
1599
01:24:09,646 --> 01:24:10,712
(ANGEL DUST GROANS)
1600
01:24:14,951 --> 01:24:16,584
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1601
01:24:29,066 --> 01:24:30,332
(GROWLS)
1602
01:24:30,701 --> 01:24:31,800
(MEN GROANING)
1603
01:24:46,850 --> 01:24:47,916
(GRUNTING)
1604
01:25:06,370 --> 01:25:07,502
Teabag!
1605
01:25:11,875 --> 01:25:12,941
Bob?
1606
01:25:13,877 --> 01:25:15,127
Wade?
1607
01:25:15,128 --> 01:25:16,378
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...
1608
01:25:16,380 --> 01:25:18,680
Jacksonville. Fridays.
Since TGI Fridays.
1609
01:25:19,483 --> 01:25:21,716
Well, what the hell!
1610
01:25:21,718 --> 01:25:23,385
God, come here, you.
1611
01:25:23,653 --> 01:25:25,453
(GRUNTS)
1612
01:25:25,455 --> 01:25:27,856
How are the kids?
Good?
1613
01:25:27,858 --> 01:25:29,691
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?
1614
01:25:29,693 --> 01:25:31,526
So good.
But bad for the waistline,
1615
01:25:31,528 --> 01:25:32,888
if you know what
I'm talking about.
1616
01:25:37,167 --> 01:25:39,401
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)
1617
01:25:39,403 --> 01:25:42,737
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1618
01:25:42,739 --> 01:25:44,005
That is so sweet.
1619
01:25:44,007 --> 01:25:45,140
Uh...
1620
01:25:45,142 --> 01:25:46,408
Thanks.
1621
01:25:46,676 --> 01:25:47,742
(GRUNTS)
1622
01:25:51,648 --> 01:25:52,714
(GROANS)
1623
01:25:58,488 --> 01:25:59,254
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
1624
01:25:59,255 --> 01:26:00,021
FRANCIS: Does he
write you notes too?
1625
01:26:00,023 --> 01:26:02,424
He's such a romantic.
1626
01:26:02,426 --> 01:26:03,826
WADE: Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.
1627
01:26:05,028 --> 01:26:06,561
Fire!
1628
01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:07,829
(GUNS FIRING)
1629
01:26:13,770 --> 01:26:15,537
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey!
1630
01:26:15,539 --> 01:26:16,604
Climb on!
1631
01:26:18,108 --> 01:26:20,175
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
1632
01:26:27,717 --> 01:26:28,783
(SCREAMING)
1633
01:26:34,691 --> 01:26:36,191
(GROANING)
1634
01:26:53,577 --> 01:26:55,076
Motherfucking...
1635
01:27:06,490 --> 01:27:08,957
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.
1636
01:27:11,728 --> 01:27:12,927
You were right,
beautiful.
1637
01:27:13,763 --> 01:27:15,630
Red really is my color.
1638
01:27:16,132 --> 01:27:17,265
Wade?
1639
01:27:17,267 --> 01:27:18,733
Don't worry, baby...
1640
01:27:18,735 --> 01:27:21,135
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.
1641
01:27:21,137 --> 01:27:23,571
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?
1642
01:27:23,573 --> 01:27:25,507
Oh, you never left.
1643
01:27:25,509 --> 01:27:27,642
But you did, asshole!
1644
01:27:27,644 --> 01:27:29,077
Ah, deep breath, darling.
1645
01:27:30,647 --> 01:27:31,813
Oh, wait.
1646
01:27:32,849 --> 01:27:34,549
Wrong choice of words.
1647
01:27:35,585 --> 01:27:37,585
(CHOKING)
1648
01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:39,586
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1649
01:27:39,589 --> 01:27:40,722
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1650
01:27:41,992 --> 01:27:44,626
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.
1651
01:27:44,628 --> 01:27:45,727
When I'm finished...
1652
01:27:45,729 --> 01:27:47,629
parts will have
to grow back you.
1653
01:27:47,631 --> 01:27:48,796
Good one.
1654
01:27:49,666 --> 01:27:51,599
Yep, that was a good one.
1655
01:27:51,601 --> 01:27:52,667
Let's dance.
1656
01:27:53,904 --> 01:27:55,136
And by dance, I mean...
1657
01:27:55,138 --> 01:27:56,771
let's try to kill each other.
1658
01:27:56,773 --> 01:27:58,106
(GRUNTING)
(METAL CLANKING)
1659
01:28:06,149 --> 01:28:07,815
(GASPING)
1660
01:28:07,817 --> 01:28:08,983
(GRUNTING)
1661
01:28:13,890 --> 01:28:14,956
(GROANS)
1662
01:28:33,310 --> 01:28:34,742
(COLOSSUS GROANING)
1663
01:28:38,682 --> 01:28:39,881
(CHOKING)
1664
01:28:50,961 --> 01:28:53,361
Fine. Fists.
1665
01:28:53,363 --> 01:28:55,597
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.
1666
01:28:55,599 --> 01:28:56,998
(GRUNTING)
1667
01:29:22,025 --> 01:29:23,358
(GROANING)
1668
01:29:35,639 --> 01:29:36,904
(GRUNTING)
1669
01:29:41,978 --> 01:29:43,911
(VANESSA GROANS)
1670
01:30:17,180 --> 01:30:19,280
Asshole!
1671
01:30:25,755 --> 01:30:26,854
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
1672
01:30:27,323 --> 01:30:28,890
(GROANS)
1673
01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:38,733
(GRUNTING)
1674
01:30:47,477 --> 01:30:48,743
(EXPLODING)
1675
01:30:58,455 --> 01:31:00,154
(GRUNTING)
1676
01:31:10,867 --> 01:31:11,933
(SCREAMS)
1677
01:31:15,505 --> 01:31:17,105
Hang in there,
baby!
1678
01:31:17,107 --> 01:31:19,173
Wade!
I gotcha!
1679
01:31:22,412 --> 01:31:24,879
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.
1680
01:31:24,881 --> 01:31:26,013
(GRUNTING)
1681
01:31:35,125 --> 01:31:36,290
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1682
01:31:37,961 --> 01:31:40,061
(VANESSA SCREAMING)
1683
01:31:42,165 --> 01:31:44,832
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.
1684
01:31:49,305 --> 01:31:51,072
(PANTING)
1685
01:31:59,916 --> 01:32:01,949
Ah! Damn it!
1686
01:32:02,786 --> 01:32:05,787
Maximum effort!
1687
01:32:06,923 --> 01:32:08,222
(VANESSA SCREAMS)
1688
01:32:25,008 --> 01:32:26,407
(RUMBLING)
1689
01:32:44,594 --> 01:32:46,027
(GRUNTS)
1690
01:32:48,031 --> 01:32:49,096
Thanks.
1691
01:32:54,037 --> 01:32:55,570
Just take it slow.
1692
01:33:02,278 --> 01:33:03,845
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
1693
01:33:06,082 --> 01:33:08,850
Oh, my God! That was so...
1694
01:33:08,852 --> 01:33:10,017
(GRUNTING)
1695
01:33:36,246 --> 01:33:38,379
(EXHALING HEAVILY)
1696
01:33:38,381 --> 01:33:39,647
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)
1697
01:33:39,649 --> 01:33:42,350
There are no words!
1698
01:33:42,352 --> 01:33:46,087
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1699
01:33:46,656 --> 01:33:48,022
What?
1700
01:33:48,591 --> 01:33:50,258
(CHUCKLES)
1701
01:33:50,260 --> 01:33:53,394
You stupid fucking idiot.
1702
01:33:53,396 --> 01:33:58,099
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
1703
01:33:59,936 --> 01:34:01,302
What?
1704
01:34:01,304 --> 01:34:02,403
You heard me.
1705
01:34:04,173 --> 01:34:05,339
No.
1706
01:34:05,341 --> 01:34:06,574
No!
1707
01:34:06,576 --> 01:34:08,042
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1708
01:34:08,044 --> 01:34:09,610
(LAUGHING
AND COUGHING)
1709
01:34:13,917 --> 01:34:17,518
So, you mean to say...
1710
01:34:17,520 --> 01:34:22,390
after all this,
you can't fix me?
1711
01:34:22,392 --> 01:34:24,525
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.
1712
01:34:24,527 --> 01:34:26,460
Like the kind of stupid
who admits
1713
01:34:26,462 --> 01:34:29,630
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?
1714
01:34:33,503 --> 01:34:35,369
Any last words?
1715
01:34:37,206 --> 01:34:38,339
What's my name?
1716
01:34:39,375 --> 01:34:40,508
Who fucking cares?
1717
01:34:40,510 --> 01:34:41,575
COLOSSUS: Wade!
1718
01:34:43,212 --> 01:34:46,080
Four or five moments.
1719
01:34:46,082 --> 01:34:47,815
I'm sorry?
1720
01:34:47,816 --> 01:34:49,549
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1721
01:34:50,186 --> 01:34:51,252
To?
1722
01:34:52,155 --> 01:34:53,487
Be a hero.
1723
01:34:54,090 --> 01:34:55,523
(GROANS)
1724
01:34:55,525 --> 01:34:58,426
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.
1725
01:34:58,428 --> 01:35:00,728
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,
1726
01:35:00,730 --> 01:35:02,163
go to work a hero.
1727
01:35:02,498 --> 01:35:04,398
Not true.
1728
01:35:04,400 --> 01:35:07,601
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments
1729
01:35:07,603 --> 01:35:10,237
that really matter.
1730
01:35:10,239 --> 01:35:12,673
Moments when you're
offered a choice.
1731
01:35:12,675 --> 01:35:15,443
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,
1732
01:35:15,445 --> 01:35:17,078
save a friend...
1733
01:35:17,513 --> 01:35:20,681
spare an enemy.
1734
01:35:20,683 --> 01:35:22,249
In these moments...
1735
01:35:23,019 --> 01:35:26,420
everything else falls away.
1736
01:35:26,422 --> 01:35:29,423
The way the world sees us.
1737
01:35:29,425 --> 01:35:30,491
The way we...
1738
01:35:31,394 --> 01:35:33,027
(RETCHING)
1739
01:35:34,630 --> 01:35:35,763
Why?
1740
01:35:37,033 --> 01:35:39,100
You were droning on.
1741
01:35:39,102 --> 01:35:42,169
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...
1742
01:35:42,171 --> 01:35:45,206
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.
1743
01:35:45,208 --> 01:35:48,275
If wearing superhero tights...
1744
01:35:48,277 --> 01:35:49,677
means sparing psychopaths...
1745
01:35:49,679 --> 01:35:52,046
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.
1746
01:35:52,048 --> 01:35:54,382
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.
1747
01:35:54,384 --> 01:35:55,483
Just promise...
1748
01:35:55,485 --> 01:35:57,218
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout
1749
01:35:57,220 --> 01:35:59,453
for the next four moments.
1750
01:35:59,455 --> 01:36:01,188
(WHISPERS) Oh, shit.
1751
01:36:01,190 --> 01:36:04,792
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,
1752
01:36:04,794 --> 01:36:07,194
about to stand
in front of a girl...
1753
01:36:07,196 --> 01:36:08,496
and tell her...
1754
01:36:08,498 --> 01:36:10,564
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?
1755
01:36:10,566 --> 01:36:14,035
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.
1756
01:36:15,371 --> 01:36:16,637
I can't even tell you...
(GRUNTS)
1757
01:36:16,639 --> 01:36:18,506
I deserved that.
That, too.
1758
01:36:18,508 --> 01:36:20,274
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.
1759
01:36:20,276 --> 01:36:22,243
Start talking!
1760
01:36:24,213 --> 01:36:26,080
I'm sorry.
1761
01:36:26,082 --> 01:36:28,315
I'm so sorry.
1762
01:36:28,317 --> 01:36:30,818
(STUTTERS) For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1763
01:36:32,355 --> 01:36:34,455
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.
1764
01:36:34,457 --> 01:36:36,290
It's been rough
couple of years.
1765
01:36:36,292 --> 01:36:37,358
Rough?
1766
01:36:45,134 --> 01:36:47,068
I live in a crackhouse.
1767
01:36:48,204 --> 01:36:49,537
With a family of 12.
1768
01:36:51,274 --> 01:36:52,740
Every night
we spoon for warmth.
1769
01:36:52,742 --> 01:36:55,810
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1770
01:36:55,812 --> 01:36:57,578
There's nothing
that we don't share.
1771
01:36:57,580 --> 01:37:01,782
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.
1772
01:37:09,792 --> 01:37:12,193
So, you live in a house.
1773
01:37:20,803 --> 01:37:23,838
I should have come
and found you sooner.
1774
01:37:25,341 --> 01:37:26,674
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,
1775
01:37:26,676 --> 01:37:29,376
he ain't the same one
that you remember.
1776
01:37:33,616 --> 01:37:34,849
You mean this mask?
1777
01:37:54,904 --> 01:37:56,637
And this one.
1778
01:37:58,141 --> 01:37:59,840
In case the other fell off.
1779
01:38:02,745 --> 01:38:05,212
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.
1780
01:38:05,214 --> 01:38:06,814
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...
1781
01:38:06,816 --> 01:38:09,150
Owdie 5,000.
1782
01:38:09,152 --> 01:38:10,284
Wait, wait, wait...
1783
01:38:12,155 --> 01:38:13,420
Are you sure?
1784
01:38:15,258 --> 01:38:16,323
I'm sure.
1785
01:38:26,536 --> 01:38:27,601
Wow.
1786
01:38:28,838 --> 01:38:30,204
Yeah.
1787
01:38:36,879 --> 01:38:38,412
Hey.
1788
01:38:40,550 --> 01:38:42,783
After a brief
adjustment period...
1789
01:38:42,785 --> 01:38:44,785
and a bunch of drinks...
1790
01:38:46,255 --> 01:38:48,289
it's a face...
1791
01:38:52,595 --> 01:38:54,361
I'd be happy to sit on.
1792
01:39:01,671 --> 01:39:05,306
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1793
01:39:05,308 --> 01:39:06,740
No.
1794
01:39:06,742 --> 01:39:08,742
Super-penis.
1795
01:39:08,744 --> 01:39:10,844
COLOSSUS:
Come on, Wade. Language.
1796
01:39:10,846 --> 01:39:12,413
Young one is present.
1797
01:39:13,416 --> 01:39:15,349
What are you still doing?
1798
01:39:15,351 --> 01:39:17,952
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1799
01:39:17,954 --> 01:39:20,821
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.
1800
01:39:20,823 --> 01:39:22,656
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.
1801
01:39:22,658 --> 01:39:24,625
And you,
chicken noodle...
1802
01:39:24,627 --> 01:39:26,527
Nothing compares to you.
1803
01:39:26,529 --> 01:39:28,629
Sinead O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.
1804
01:39:28,631 --> 01:39:31,465
That's all right.
You're cool.
1805
01:39:31,467 --> 01:39:32,666
(GASPS)
1806
01:39:33,336 --> 01:39:34,935
What in the ass?
1807
01:39:34,937 --> 01:39:38,505
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!
1808
01:39:38,507 --> 01:39:41,675
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.
1809
01:39:41,677 --> 01:39:42,977
For a second there,
1810
01:39:42,979 --> 01:39:44,812
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...
1811
01:39:44,814 --> 01:39:47,248
coming together to form
one super robot.
1812
01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,283
There's a stupid.
1813
01:39:49,285 --> 01:39:50,384
Yeah.
1814
01:39:53,689 --> 01:39:58,259
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1815
01:40:01,797 --> 01:40:02,963
Come here.
1816
01:40:05,901 --> 01:40:07,701
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1817
01:40:10,940 --> 01:40:12,806
(LAUGHING)
1818
01:40:12,808 --> 01:40:15,843
Wham! As promised.
1819
01:40:21,017 --> 01:40:22,816
(MAN VOCALIZING)
1820
01:40:28,824 --> 01:40:30,424
WADE: See?
1821
01:40:30,426 --> 01:40:33,694
You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.
1822
01:40:33,696 --> 01:40:36,997
The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.
1823
01:40:36,999 --> 01:40:40,634
Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.
1824
01:40:40,636 --> 01:40:42,336
There we go, that looks nice.
1825
01:40:42,338 --> 01:40:43,470
That's gonna be
about the only thing
1826
01:40:43,472 --> 01:40:44,772
that's pulling out tonight.
1827
01:40:44,774 --> 01:40:48,008
Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?
1828
01:40:48,010 --> 01:40:49,677
'Til next time, this is
1829
01:40:49,679 --> 01:40:51,912
your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'...
1830
01:40:51,914 --> 01:40:54,415
♪ I'm never gonna dance again
1831
01:40:54,417 --> 01:40:57,885
♪ The way I danced with you ♪
1832
01:46:53,208 --> 01:46:56,276
Captioned by Deluxe
1833
01:47:07,790 --> 01:47:09,356
You're still here?
1834
01:47:11,960 --> 01:47:15,062
It's over. Go home.
1835
01:47:16,765 --> 01:47:19,232
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.
1836
01:47:19,234 --> 01:47:22,069
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.
1837
01:47:22,071 --> 01:47:25,105
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1838
01:47:25,107 --> 01:47:27,874
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?
1839
01:47:27,876 --> 01:47:29,443
Go. Go.
1840
01:47:34,783 --> 01:47:36,550
Oh.
1841
01:47:36,551 --> 01:47:38,318
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1842
01:47:38,320 --> 01:47:41,488
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.
1843
01:47:41,490 --> 01:47:44,057
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1844
01:47:44,059 --> 01:47:45,225
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,
1845
01:47:45,227 --> 01:47:46,359
but it could be anybody.
1846
01:47:46,361 --> 01:47:47,994
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.
1847
01:47:47,996 --> 01:47:49,796
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...
1848
01:47:49,798 --> 01:47:52,232
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.
1849
01:47:52,234 --> 01:47:53,800
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
1850
01:47:53,802 --> 01:47:55,836
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.
1851
01:47:55,838 --> 01:47:58,238
It's a total dick move.
1852
01:47:59,141 --> 01:48:00,273
Go.
126485
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