All language subtitles for Bye.Bye.Love.1995.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

* fallin' in love again

* never wanted to

* what am I to do? *

* can't help it

* love's always been my game

* play it how I may

* I was made that way

* can't help it

* men cluster to me
like moths around a flame *

* and if their wings burn,
i know I'm not to blame *

* fallin' in love again *

* never wanted to *

* what am I to do? *

* can't help it

I can't stop dancing.
I love this band.

They're o.K.

They're the same band

he had at
his last wedding.

Think he's wearing
the same suit, too.

Different girl,
though, right?

That's good.
Oh, yeah.

God, I love a wedding.
This remind you of yours?

No. I think
these two people

actually
like each other.

Anyway, I barely
remember my wedding.

Thank god.

That's because you
don't do it often enough.

Once every four years
like Rob, keep it fresh.

I remember
my divorce.

Lovely divorce.
That was a good band.

Yeah, they were.

Guys, meet the girl
I'm going to marry.

Sarah, this
is Donny and Vic.

Hi, Sarah.

Hello,
Sarah.

We were dancing,

and she swept me
off my feet.

This is fast, Dave,
even for you.

Sarah.

Yes?

Will you marry me?

Oh, please? Please?
Come on.

You're it!

She's met
a younger man.

Oh!

Look how sweet
she is.

You got your kids
for the weekend?

Yeah.
you got Emma?

Yeah. you?

We're trying
something new.

Two weekends on,
two weekends off

with
the older kids.

With the baby,

I get her
Saturday mornings

and alternate
Wednesday

and
Friday afternoons,

at least
till winter.

You couldn't come up with
anything more complicated?

[Fanfare plays]

All right. All the guys
on the top.

How long do you
give him this time?

Six months.

A year.

I think they're
going to make it.

[Photographer]
one last time!

Happiness!

* bye bye, love *

* bye bye, happiness

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm
gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress

* hello, emptiness

* I feel like
i could die *

* bye bye, my love,
goodbye *

* there goes my baby

* with someone new

* she sure looks happy

* I sure am blue

* she was my baby

* till he stepped in

* goodbye to romance

* that might have been

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
happiness [arf] *

* hello,
loneliness *

* I think I'm
gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
sweet caress *

* hello,
emptiness *

[man]
stand by. Five seconds.

[Clearing throat]

* bye bye, my love,
goodbye *

we're back.

I'm Dr. David townsend,

and we're talking
about divorce.

It affects all of us
and hurts many of us,

and in the next 48 hours,

that is all we will
be talking about--divorce.

D-i-v-o-r-c-e, tell you
what it means to me.

What does it mean to you,
Jack from glendale?

Are you still there?

I'm right here, doc.

I think before the break,

we were discussing
Debra, your ex-wife.

Do we have to?

Jack, the topic
is divorce.

I only see my kids
twice a month.

Two weekends, that's it.

Every time, we have
to start over again.

I feel your pain, Jack.
I do. I feel it.

I understand it.
That's my job,

and that's why
you listen to me--

Dr. David townsend--
because I listen to you.

Could I say one
more thing, doc?

No, Jack.
It's time to move on.

Craig from the palisades,
the doctor is in.

Hi, doc. I'm on my way
to pick up my son.

Ah, the Friday night
exchange of custody.

The new American ritual.

Where do you do
your exchange?

We stick to
neutral territory--

a parking lot,

kmart, Wal-Mart,
fast-food places.

I feel your anxiety,
Craig. I do.

Just thinking
about my ex-wife

gives me a headache.

I feel your headache,
Craig. I do.

Are you divorced,
thinking about divorce?

Call me.

Next caller is Jeff
from Pasadena. Hi, Jeff.

My life is ruined,
doc! Ruined!

You know
what I mean?

And it's
all her fault!

Listen to yourself,
Jeff.

You sound so angry,
so blocked.

I am angry!
I am blocked!

Don't you want
to be happy?

I don't know.

Then you have to listen
to what I'm saying.

Don't just hear it,
really listen.

Do you tape my show?

No.

You should.

And if you don't,
you can order the tapes

at 1-100-get-well.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get him
in the bathtub anymore.

He's too old for bubbles.
Ships don't interest him.

It's not like the old days

when I'd just say
"ducky's here"

and he'd hop in.

He's 9 years old.
He's a man now.

Forget the ducks.
That's history.

Vic, what do you do
with jed?

I take him out back,
hose him down.

And that works?

Yeah. I make
a game out of it.

4 points
for taking a bath,

2 for eating
his vegetables.

I promised
if he hits 1,000,

I'd rent him
an "r" video.

He'll be 18 by then.

Guys, I just
ran into Marty allenford.

He and Leslie are
getting a divorce.

They're splitting up,
Marty and Leslie?

After 11 years.

It goes to show you,
you're never safe.

11 years busting his ass,

bringing home a paycheck,
for what?

He seemed
pretty depressed.

He must have done
something terrible,

like leave the cap
off the toothpaste.

Actually, he was sleeping
with his secretary.

Yeah, well...

You'll have to lower
the standards for anniversaries.

Nobody goes
the distance anymore.

Five years should be
the silver anniversary.

More than 10,
you go platinum,

and they put you in
the marriage hall of fame.

Amen.

Marty and Leslie.
That's unbelievable.

That Leslie's
a beautiful woman.

Hey.

She's not?

You can't call her yet.

There's a five-day
waiting period.

That's for handguns.
Don't.

Here's that recipe
you guys wanted,

the one
your kids loved?

"Vic's meat loaf
madness."

You wrote it up?

Yeah. it's all there--
onions, tomatoes, cheese,

my own secret sauce.

Is it under 10 minutes?
If not, I can't do it.

1 1/2 minutes on high,
serves a family of four.

Ragu. that's
your secret sauce?

You want to
keep it down?

I'm sorry.

Max, you are late
all the time.

I'll have to
fire you

one day soon,
like now.

Hector, can I crash
at your place tonight?

No, you can't crash
at my place tonight.

I am trying to fire you.

You can't fire me.
You love me.

I love you.
We're in love.

Max, what am i
going to do with you?

Something wrong at home?

No.

Because my wife's
family's in town--

hey, forget it.
It's no big deal.

Hey, look, uh...

If you got
no place else,

come on over.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. let's
get to work.

We've got
a trainee.

Is she cute?

She's a man,
and she's 70.

Oh, Hector,
the adopt-a-geezer program?

It's called
mcmasters.

Hey, Walter, want you
to meet somebody.

Walter Simms,
meet Max Cooper.

Hello, Max.

Hello,
Walter.

He's going
to be training you.

Good luck.

So, Walt, any
previous experience?

No. I'm here on
the adopt-a-geezer program.

So what did you do
before this?

Built engines
for Chrysler.

Perfect.

Listen, something big
has come up

you guys should know about.

You o.K.?

I got a date
tomorrow night.

That is big.

That's two in
the last eight months.

Three.

Not counting your cousin.

Two.

Wha--who? where
did you meet her?

I haven't met her yet.
It's a blind date.

Ooh.

Uh-oh.

That's good.
That's terrific.

That's terrific that
you're dating again.

Donny, you could think
about dating again, too.

Might be time.

Not yet. Not so soon
after the divorce.

It's been three years.

I understand. I just--
i don't think Claire

would be comfortable
with it.

Claire's not
going to notice.

Why? because Claire
has a life,

something I'd like
to point out

you do not
currently possess.

It's interesting

that you
mention Claire

because last time
i dropped Emma off,

Claire came to
the car to say hi,

and...it was like
the old attraction

was still there.

Was her new husband
with her?

I'm serious.

It's like she
didn't want to let me go.

She was reaching out to me.

She had this face.
She was like...Hmm.

Why do this
to yourself?

I'm just telling you
what I saw.

She came to the car
and went...Hmm. Like that.

Uh-oh, Dave.
Look who's here.

[Dave]
shoot. here comes Kim.

[Vic]
so what?

Guys, we were at the dodger
game last night, o.K.?

I don't want to.

You weren't
feeling well.

What did I have?

Your choice.

Saw your car.
Thought I'd say hi.

[Dave]
what a surprise!

Hi, Kim.

Hey, great game
last night, you guys, huh?

Are you
feeling better, Donny?

Still I got, like,
this thing and...Ahem!

You guys take me
with you next time.

I love baseball.

Keep score
and everything.

Sit down. I'll
get you something.

Is it safe?

Yeah.
they're always late.

Good. I'll get juice.
You want anything?

No.
I'm fine.

Be right
back.

That is one sweet,
beautiful girl,

except for the fact

that she's not
seven different women.

I love Kim.

I'm barely seeing
anybody else.

[Horn honks]

Hey, Vic.
It's your ex.

Here we go.
Let the games begin.

Here. hold onto this
for me, will ya?

Hey, dad!

Hey, champ!
Whoa!

Hi, daddy!
Love you.

[Woman]
hello, Vic.

Hi.

This is awesome.

I'm so happy to
see you, daddy!

We're not going
to the video store.

Oh, come on, dad!

We can get
the yearling again.

No. we watched
the yearling

a thousand times
last week.

The deer will die,
we'll all cry,

and nobody
will get to sleep.

It's educational.

No. we're not going
to watch the yearling.

I mean it. Can't go
through that again.

Just think
about it, o.K.?

Daddy,
you didn't shave.

I forgot.

Looks good that way.

I'll shave
when I get home.

Hi, dad.

Hi, sweetheart.

Donny, I'm so sorry
we're late.

We had to return
the graduation dress.

You returned
another one?

I thought the last
one was the one.

Sunday's
graduation.

It made me
look fat.

You couldn't look fat
if you wanted to.

Why would I want to?

You wouldn't. You couldn't.

Whatever you wear,

you're going to
look beautiful

because you are
a beautiful girl.

When I was your age,

no girls were as beautiful
as you, except your mom.

And you got your mother's
good looks, em.

You got her eyes.
Beautiful eyes.

Mine are brown,
hers are green.

The shape. I'm talking
about the shape of the eye.

Yeah. I'm going
inside. Bye, mom.

Have a good weekend,
darling.

Well, she seems
excited, huh?

No, she doesn't.

But inside, I think
she is. We all are.

Do you believe
how she fawns over me?

For a girl to pay that much
attention to her father,

that's just
embarrassing.

Bye, mom.
Bye, sweetheart.

I love
you.

Have fun, now.
Brush your teeth.

O.k.
just once?

Come on, jed.

Don't bite
your sister.

I see you're driving
the child support mobile.

Jed's got two more days
of antibiotics

he has to take.

These are
new tires, aren't they?

When did you get new tires?
They're michelins!

They were on sale
at sears,

and I just thought,

"I'm going to get
myself something

"most women my age
only dream of--

new tires."

That's a new coat, too.

Did that
come with the tires?

Don't let jed

have too much sugar
this weekend, o.K.?

Grace, the money
i send is for the kids,

not for new tires.

I'm serious.

I scraped him off
the ceiling last time.

What's this?

Nothing. just a few
things I've jotted down.

Good. a list of ways
i can improve myself.

I feel like
we're still married.

They're just thoughts.

Yeah, well, here's
a thought. Listen.

Are you still dating
that young jerk

with long hair
and no job?

Gerald?

Yeah, Gerald.

Who I date is
none of your business.

Tell Gerald if he
touches my boy again,

I'll kill him.

It was nothing, a tap,

and jed was being
very, very rude.

I don't care if jed

was taking a piss
on his head.

He touches him again,
he dies. Tell him.

[Claire]
so I'll see you tomorrow?

I don't think I'll make
your graduation brunch.

It just
feels a little...

Uncomfortable?

A little bit.

I understand.

It's Phil's club
and everything.

You don't
have to come.

You don't
want me to?

No. I want you to come.
You're the dad.

Right. I am the dad,
and maybe I will come.

Good. see you tomorrow.

Uh, here. Here's a...

Oh, Donny, you don't
have to keep doing this.

No, no, no. I want to.

O.k.

Thanks.

You look good.

Oh, you look good,
too, Claire.

You look fabulous.

Thanks.

Incredible.

Unbelievable.

Aren't you
supposed to wait

for that timer
to ring?

Yeah, but once
you've been here

as long as I have,

you feel when
the fries are ready.

It's a zen thing.

I see.

There are really only
two rules here--

don't be late
and don't eat the food.

O.k., jed,

what's the capital
of south Dakota?

Come on, dad.
You know this.

It doesn't matter
if I know it.

Do you know it?
It's your homework.

Pierre.

No way! I mean good!

Excellent. that's,
uh, full credit.

She used to sit on my lap,
laugh at my jokes,

call me Poppy pop,

and now look at her.

You want me to
call you Poppy pop?

It's not the same.
Why won't she sit with us?

You don't sit
with your dad

when you flirt.

You think she's flirting?
She's barely 14.

Of course
she's flirting.

[Dave]
i think Kim's right.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Well, I think
it's adorable.

This is deeply,
deeply terrifying here.

Somebody seems
to like you, kid.

Those two over there?

It's the uniform, Walt.
Get used to it.

It drives girls crazy.

Well, I'll be
careful, then.

I'm serious. Don't
wear this on the street.

Babes will
tear you apart.

He is so cute.

You think he's
smiling at us?

Right, he's going
to smile at me.

I look stupid
in this uniform.

It looks great.

It makes me look 14.

You are 14.

Exactly.

Hey! hey!

Dad!
dad!

Hey, Michele!
Ben!

[Michele]
i missed you!

Hey!
how are you?

Hey! I missed
you so much!

Ooh,
i missed you.

Hi, Susan.

Hi.

Hi, Vic.

Donny.

It's Michele's
fish.

Could I talk to you
for a minute, please,

outside?

Sure.

You want fries?

Yeah.

Your uncles
are going to fix you up.

I'll be right back.

[Donny]
that's your fish?

I didn't see that
on the menu.

They're getting
blonder, Dave.

I can explain--

and she's a little
young, isn't she?

The exchange was
supposed to be just us.

It's complicated
enough, god knows.

She wasn't supposed
to be here.

What, she couldn't get
her homework done in time?

She's really good
with the kids.

Yippee, Dave.
I mean--

am I supposed to be
excited about that--

Bambi's good
with the kids?

I didn't want you
to think

I'd just let anyone
around the kids.

Please. if it meant
a chance to get laid,

you'd let Hannibal Lecter
be their nanny.

That's not true,
and you know it.

Ben has a teacher conference,
Wednesday at 9:00.

I have an appointment.
Can you do it?

Sure. I like
Mr. capello.

Gets food
in his beard,

but he's
a lovely guy.

You won't forget?

No.

We're on chapter six.

I've been doing
all the voices.

Don't make the bad guy
too scary.

Michele's on the edge.

Got you, honey.
Anything else?

Nope.

I'd tell you
to grow up,

but what would
be the point?

Yeah.

See ya.

Sue?

I really am sorry.

* ...But now
i feel them slip away *

* it makes me cry

come on, daddy!
Slide!

Yeah, dad!
Come on!

I'll be
right there.

* to see love die

* so sad to...

And now back to
Dr. David townsend.

Thank you, Paul.

We're back,
we're live,

and we're
taking your calls

on one subject
and one subject only,

the painful subject

of divorce.

Linda from hacienda
heights, you there?

I'm here,
Dr. townsend.

What do I hear
in that voice, Linda?

Do I hear longing?
Do I hear loss?

Open up, dear.
I'm here for you.

I hate this guy.

I hate this guy.

I hate this guy.

I mean, I really,
really hate this guy.

Last week was my son
Kevin's birthday.

He turned 6.

Happy birthday,
Kevin.

And his father
was supposed

to take him
to a hockey game.

He likes hockey

because there's
a lot of fighting.

His father, not Kevin.
He loves fighting.

Well, that can
be healthy...

Or not healthy.

Go on.

Well, we wait,
and we wait,

and he never
shows up.

He missed his
son's birthday.

He didn't
even call!

That son of a bitch!
Can I say that?

Because that is
the only word for it.

Son of a bitch!

What is the matter
with you people?

You think just because
you didn't get custody,

these kids just disappear?

The minute
the divorce comes through,

you jump on a motorcycle,

you buy a couple of gallons
of grecian formula,

you read up on sexually
transmitted diseases,

and you think
you're a new man.

Meanwhile, there's a whole
generation of kids

that have Nick at nite
for a father.

Let me tell you
something.

There's an old
African saying,

mi Toto hulelua
lacagimi kisima,

which means,

"it takes the village
to raise the child."

Hey, guys, wake up.
Your village is calling.

You know we depend on
our crops to live, don't we?

Yes, sir.

And there ain't
a way in the world

to keep
that wild yearling

from destroying them.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry.

I can't never
tell you how sorry.

But all's been done
was possible.

Take the yearling
out in the woods

and tie him
and shoot him.

Pa!

Oh!

They're asleep.

Yes!

Dave.

I don't feel
comfortable with this.

No. look, Kim. You
don't understand kids.

We've been granted 8,

maybe 10 minutes
alone here.

There's going to be
glasses of water later.

There's going
to be pee-pee.

We cannot dawdle.

O.k.

O.k.

But not here.

Shh!

* ...And makes me realize
when she says *

goodness gracious.

* don't worry, baby... *

ha ha!

Shh!

* everything will turn
out all right *

* don't worry, baby

* don't worry, baby

* ooh, ooh...

Ah!

Dad?

Ben.
Ben, my son.

I want some water.

Yes. you have
every right.

Water is for everyone.

What were you doing
to her?

We were
trying on clothes.

Different clothes.

Different kinds
of clothes.

She's not spending
the night, is she?

No. you're
not going to,

are you, Kim?
No.

'Cause she's not supposed
to sleep over, you said.

I know. I know.

Let's get that water.

* when we were young,
we pledged allegiance *

* every morning of our lives

* the classroom rang
with children's voices *

* under teacher's watchful eye

* we learned about
the world around us *

* at our desks
and at dinnertime *

* reminded of
the starving children *

* we cleaned our plates
with guilty minds *

* and the stones in the road

* they shone like diamonds
in the dust *

* and then a voice
called to us *

* to make our way
back home *

hey.

Hey.

Come on in.

Kim go home?

Yeah.
Ben's not ready

for her
to stay over yet.

Yeah.

Where is Emma?

She's sleeping
over at Meg's.

On your weekend?

I thought you

weren't going to
do that anymore.

I thought so, too,

but I don't think
it's worth the fight.

Those are
the only choices?

Fight or she sleeps
someplace else?

It's all that's
available at the moment.

It's a very awkward
age for girls.

Really?
what age is that?

12 through 35.
Very awkward.

But I'm going to
make up for it tomorrow.

I'm going to cook us
a special dinner.

Vic's meat loaf
madness?

I'm thinking
about it.

You want to sack out
here tonight?

No, that's o.K.

I was gonna call you
anyway,

see if you could take Ben
to soccer tomorrow.

Why? you can't
take him?

No. I got to take
Michele to t-ball.

I promised Vic
I'd take jed to karate.

He's taking Lindsay
to "mommy and me."

None of these kids
drive yet?

What do you say?

Is my toothbrush
still here?

It's in the bathroom.
I'll get some blankets.

Thank you.

* and the stones in the road

* they shone like diamonds
in the dust *

* and then a voice
called to us *

* to make our way
back home *

* ahh

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah *

marriage vows have no
meaning to you people!

Marriage isn't for better
or for worse anymore.

It's just till someone feels
they need more space.

You want more space?
Buy a ranch in Colorado.

You got married. You got kids.
Stay together, damn it!

We'll be right back.

* d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Dr. townsend, it's
your ex-wife on line two.

Tell her I'm not here.

[Applause and cheering]

Heads up, now!
Heads up!

Michele,
come on in closer.

Come on!

Oh!
oh!

Don't worry
about it!

You can do it.

That's all right, Michele.
You'll get the next one.

Hey, batter!

What are you doing?

Come on, Michele!

Put your name
on it, Michele!

Go, Michele! Go!
No! Go to first!

Go to first!

The other way!

The other way!

Michele!

Hey!

Got to be impressed

with her knowledge
of the fundamentals.

Oh, I know I am.

Where is Harry?

He shouldn't
be missing this.

Oh, Harry and I...
We're separated.

Oh, no!
Sheila, how long?

I mean,
more than five days?

A month. It's not
going to work out.

It's over.
I'm already back

to using
my maiden name.

Sumter.

Oh, sumter.
Like the fort.

Yeah.

Oh!

[Applause]

[Sigh]

I can't believe
I'm dating again.

That whole scene.

Don't worry.
You're going to do fine.

Guys go crazy
for girls like you.

Right.

No, you watch.

Your phone is going to
be ringing off the hook.

Would it be too forward
to say I'm in the book?

No. no.
I'm in the book, too.

Yeah.
we're all in the book.

You should drop by
sometime.

Really?

Sure. anytime.

Well...

I've got to get
to field three.

Soccer.
excuse me.

O.k. all right.

Bye, Sheila.

How do you like that?

Fort sumter may have to be
fired upon yet again.

Hey! ho!

That's my girl!

Ha ha!

Stay calm.

Control yourself.

[Knocking]

You're late.

I'm not late.

I told you 10:00.

You said 10:30.

10:00.

10:00.
30!

Never mind.
Where's Lindsay?

She's sleeping.

Oh, that's great.

Grace, I specifically
asked you

to have her up
and ready.

Now she's going to be
cranky the whole time.

I'm sorry.

I'll bet.

[Dog barking]

Ditka!
it's you, boy!

Are you happy
to see me, huh?

Look what I got
for you. Huh?

Yeah! ha ha ha!

I should have married
you, shouldn't I?

It's not too late.

O.k. I'm not going to make
a big speech or anything,

but I wanted to thank
mom and Phil

for this great party
and everything.

Thank you, guys.

You really are the best.

And thank you all
for coming,

and thank you
for the graduation presents.

Oh, and my dad's
here, too.

Hi, dad.

And I guess that's it.
Thank you.

Thank you.

O.k. right there,

that's more than
she's spoken to me

in the last
five years.

Don't worry.
She'll grow out of it.

I know, I know.

Might that be
in my lifetime?

Because I would
like that.

This is yours when
i pass on, dear.

Yo, she's with
Phil's mother now.

I don't want to
be involved in this.

Oh, this must be
torture for you.

Dave's mother
won't even speak to me.

What would she
be to me, anyway?

My ex-wife's
new husband's mother

would be what,

mother-in-law
once removed?

Yeah.

Hey, you.

You were
terrific.

She was.
You were great, honey.

Donny, you've met
Phil's mom Dorothy.

Yes. Dorothy, hi.
How are you?

Who is he?

This is Emma's
birth father, remember?

Huh?

Birth father!
Birth father!

Never mind.

Never mind.

Ah! let's go see
Scotty and Mark.

Yeah. you o.K.?
You need a drink?

No. fine, thank you.

[Dorothy]
I'm just asking.

I'm not deaf.

So...

So, how did it go
at Meg's last night?

The usual.
We sat up all night

doing drugs and
cleaning our guns.

That's very cute.

Thanks.

Well, tonight, she's
going to do my hair,

so can I sleep
over again?

Tonight? you're
graduating tomorrow.

I was going to make
a big special deal

for us tonight.

What about my hair?

Meg can do your hair
tomorrow morning, right?

That's not how
hair works, dad.

You'd rather do your
hair than stay with me?

Honey, come see Margie.
Do you mind, Donny?

You know, actually,
i do, Phil.

Can it wait
a minute, please?

Dad.

No. it's o.K.

Thank you.

Listen.

I'm not--

I'm not trying to
make you feel guilty.

So I can't
sleep over?

I didn't say that.

So I can.

I didn't
say that either.

God, I hate it
when you do this!

Forget it, o.K.?

Forget my stupid hair.
Forget everything.

Just forget it.

What just
happened here?

Ruff ruff ruff!

Ruff ruff ruff!

Here, boy.
Go on, boy. Here.

Ruff ruff!

[Barking]

You want me
to wake her?

No. I'll wait.

Where?

What do you mean,
where?

I don't know
if I feel comfortable--

what? you want me
to wait outside?

If you don't mind.

I don't fucking
believe this.

Don't you talk like that
in front of my dog.

Your dog?

That's right.

That's my dog.
I found that dog.

You didn't find him.
I found him.

I found him.
I named him.

He's my dog.

I found him.
I named him.

You renamed him.
He's still my dog!

[Whimpering]

Ditka knows
whose dog he is,

don't you, boy?
Yes, he does!

Come on. We'll go outside
and play...Together.

Don't forget you're
dropping Lindsay off

at my folks'
this afternoon.

I'll be out of town.

Right. what is there,
a witches convention?

Oh, what do you know?

I see the unemployment
poster boy is here.

Gerald is a very good
friend of mine, Vic.

I think it's time

you showed him
a little more respect.

I don't think

he should be allowed
out there on the porch.

Mommy!

Coming, honey.
That's ridiculous.

I built that porch
myself, grace,

on weekends,
holidays.

I nailed it.
I sanded it.

I don't think Gerald
should be out there.

I'm telling you,
that's my porch!

He shouldn't
be on it.

Hi.

Hi.

You o.K.?

Yeah. I just had
to get out of there

for a second.

I don't blame you.

You don't smoke,
do you?

I'm trying to start.

O.k.

That might not be
the best thing for you.

I'm not sure.

I smoked freshman year
in college.

I was unbelievably happy.

I've been thinking maybe
it was the cigarettes.

I don't think so.

Hmm. o.K.

Blech!

The truth is,

I'm just not very good
at this divorce thing.

Oh, nobody's
good at it.

You are. You and Dave
have a great divorce.

Seriously,
your divorce is better

than most people's
marriages.

No. we're just better
at hiding stuff,

which is worse,
actually.

Sometimes I just want
to scream or something.

Really? because
you seem so together.

Right.

No. I always
think of you,

you're like this magazine
ad woman, you know,

with the perfect hair
and the beautiful children,

this supreme court justice
olympic champion combo.

How about
late for car pool,

always exhausted,
underpaid at work,

and hair
a constant disaster?

No, that's not you.

See, I would not have
gone for the divorce.

That was really
Claire's idea.

I mean, I knew
i was unhappy

and she was unhappy

and that
it wasn't working.

I mean, I was sleeping
in the bathtub,

but I really thought
this is it. You know,

if you're married
and you have kids,

work it out.

You knew Dave
was fooling around,

didn't you?

You were my friend,
too, Donny.

I know.

But first loyalty
is always to the guys,

right?

I guess.
I don't know.

That was the problem
with Dave.

I could never
get him to love me

as much as he loved
you and Vic.

Dave knows that
he will never find

anybody
as great as you.

Does he?

I do.

We should get back, huh?

Yeah.

[Dave]
o.k., dads. We've made it

through four museums, six parks,

and lunch with no fights,
no tantrums,

and nobody's thrown up.

Let's not get
overconfident.

It's our only day
with the kids,

and we've got to get
everything in.

We start the afternoon
with rollerblades.

After that, we head over
to travel town for a train ride.

Then we take the i-10 to
bandini's magic and novelty shop

for a little magic.

Then we go due east
to the petting zoo.

No. not the
petting zoo again.

We go there
too much.

Last time, one sheep
called me by name.

The kids love it.
Deal with it, Mike.

Fine, fine.

We keep moving,
we should be home by 6:15,

and that includes one trip
to the emergency room,

but only one.

Wagons all loaded,
Dave.

Ready to roll.

O.k. let's move 'em out!

Yee-ha!

* keep rollin',
rollin', rollin' *

* though the streams
are swollin' *

* keep them dogies rollin'

* rawhide

* through rain
and wind and weather *

* hellbent for leather

* wishin' my gal
was by my side *

* move 'em on, head 'em up,
head 'em up, move 'em on *

* move 'em on,
head 'em up, rawhide *

* cut 'em out, ride 'em in,
ride 'em in, cut 'em out *

* cut 'em out

* ride 'em in, rawhide

[in slow motion]
* keep movin', movin', movin'

* keep them dogies movin'

* rawhide

* cut 'em out,
ride 'em in *

* ride 'em in,
cut 'em out *

* cut 'em out,
ride 'em in *

* rawhide *

afternoon, ladies.

Hi.
hi.

Just go up
and order something.

You do it.

He's so cute.

Go. there's nobody
up there. Go now.

Go now. Go, go.

Hello.

May i
take your order?

Um...

Well, I can take it
from here, Walter.

What's your pleasure?

Um...

Two hot cocoas,
please.

Can I see some I.D.?

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

You are old enough to
drink cocoa, aren't you?

I'm 17.
Me, too.

Two hot chocs,
Walter.

Coming up.

Max,
one order of fries

and fresh horses
for my men!

Take it easy, Mike.
You're yelling.

Now, listen, listen.
My dad's going out of town.

He's taking my mom
and my little sister.

The house is mine.
You know what that means?

Party!

Party! party!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, wow.
Bring your girlfriends.

There we go.

Ha! party!
Ha ha! Woo-hoo!

So, I guess I'll
see you tonight.

What's daddy's
favorite team?

Red Sox!

Yeah!
that-a-girl!

[Gagging]

What's the matter,
Lindsay?

What's the matter,
sweetheart?

Red Sox!
right.

[Kids]
can we play miniature golf?

[Dave]
nope. we got to get home.

Kim's making us
a special dinner.

Ice cream is a good idea.
Miniature golf.

Nice car.

You think?

My ex thinks
it's too much.

No.
it's beautiful.

I appreciate
beautiful things.

Sue me.

Beautiful,
fast things.

Beautiful, fast
German things.

It's Heidi, right?

Heidi schmidt.

Jonathan's mother.
Center halfback.

Ben's dad.
Right wing.

It's good
to see you.

Good to see you.

Don't
see you enough.

We should see
each other more.

I'm in
the roster book.

* this little girl
of mine *

* I want you people
to know *

* that this little girl
of mine *

* I take her
everywhere I go *

* one day,
i looked at my suit *

* my suit was new

* I looked at my shoes

* and they were, too

* and that's why

* why

* why, why...

Now, remember, honey,
almost everything

grandma and grandpa
say about daddy

is not true, o.K.?

Not true, not true,
not true, not true!

Here we go.

There they are!

Hi, Vic.

Hey, Tom,
Isabelle.

Hello, Victor.

How's
my sweetie?

We had
a big day today,

but maybe she had
one too many hot dogs,

so I'd watch her with
the sweets and stuff.

You didn't
feel good, honey?

Mm-mm.

O.k., pookie.

Daddy's going to
say bye-bye now.

O.k.? give me a hug?

Aw...

O.k.

No, daddy!

Oh, no,
sweetheart.

She'll be o.K.
After I leave.

I want
my daddy!

Oh. here's her bag.

Thanks.

Bye-bye, honey.

Daddy!

Bye-bye.

There you are, ma'am.
Thanks very much.

Hey, Walter. You
can call it a day.

Your shift's over.

Is it? Already?

Time flies when you're
selling fries, huh?

Yeah. ha ha ha!

Listen. I'll do
a double shift.

I don't mind.

What are you
trying to be--

employee
of the month?

This is your second
day. Go on home.

[Beep]

I'll take
this one order, o.K.?

Ha ha! You're
a fanatic, man.

Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?

It's me, Walt--Max.

Get out of there, man.
Your shift's over.

Come on out.
I'll give you a ride home.

Hop in, Walt.
Your chariot awaits.

That's a '75
Plymouth Valiant.

That's right.

I built
your transmission.

Nice job.

Good transmission.

Cool plane.

Nah,
she was a dog.

I lost her
over France.

You got
shot down?

Just once.

How come old guys
drink tea?

Did you drink tea
when you were young?

Uh, no.
Not much.

One day you say,
"I'm getting older now.

I better
start drinking tea"?

Yeah.
that's the rules.

You get old,
you drink tea,

and the word
"regular"

takes on a whole
new meaning.

Wow.

Is that your wife?
She's pretty.

Yeah.
that was taken

just before
we were married.

How long
you been married?

48 years.

Oh, I'm sorry
it didn't work out.

Yeah. ha ha!

Yeah.

She passed away
a couple years ago.

This is my son
Walter Jr. here.

He's a real-estate
broker in key west.

And that's Angela,

a schoolteacher
in Michigan.

Your kids
come out here much?

No. not much.

People get busy,
you know.

I got a card

from Walter Jr.,
though, this week.

He sold
another condo.

Last year,
he won a buick.

What about you?
Brothers and sisters?

Uh-huh.

I've got a brother.

Half brother.

Don't see him
that much.

He's sort of in
and out of my life.

I don't know.

He's kind
of messed up.

Oh.

Well, here's to your new
career at Mickey d's.

O.k.

And to
your dog airplane

and your smart kids
and your pretty wife.

Well, here's
to my new boss.

Hey, Walter.

You want to go
to a party tonight?

* our house *

* is a very, very,
very fine house *

* with two cats
in the yard *

* life used to
be so hard *

* now everything is easy
'cause of you *

* la la

* la la
la la la la la *

* la la la la la
la la la la *

* la la la la
la la la *

* la la la la
la la la la *

* la la
la la la la la la... *

yes!

31 hours and counting.

We're talking a divorce
a minute in this country.

You get married today,
your chances of staying together

are less than your chances
of surviving a shark attack.

After the divorce,
suicide, depression,

alcoholism,
drug addiction, obesity--

they all increase.

Divorced Americans
are the most unhappy people

in the world,

with the possible exception
of married scandinavians,

but, hey, it doesn't
have to be this way.

You can take control
of your life.

You can be happy.

Say it with me.

I can be happy,
Dr. townsend.

I can be happy,
Dr. townsend.

Come on.
Say it one more time,

louder with feeling.

I can be happy,
Dr. townsend.

Believe it
because it's true.

It may not happen tonight.
It may not happen tomorrow.

It may not happen
next week.

It may not happen
next Thursday.

It may not happen
a week from now.

It may not happen--

bingo.

* hmm

* ahh

* na na na na na

[whistles]

How's it coming?

Not yet.

Well, how's
it look?

We're never
going to eat.

Nothing was cooked?

Nope.

I'm hungry, daddy.

All right. Hang on.

A friend comes over
to make us a special meal,

you can't expect her just
to throw something together.

Why not? You do.
Watch it.

I liked it when
Lydia came to cook.

She made hot dogs.

That wasn't Lydia.
It was Karen.

No.
it was Jennifer.

No, no.
It was Lydia.

You should
get them name tags.

It would make it
a lot easier for us.

* na na na na

this is crazy.
What am I doing?

I shouldn't even be
going out tonight.

I never would have
made this date

if I knew I had
you guys this weekend.

Here, jed.
Put this away.

Dad, you've
had two dates

in the last
eight months.

Three.

Not counting
cousin Marilyn.

You're going out,

you're having
a great time,

and you look
incredibly handsome.

Thank you,
daughter.

Look good, dad.

Thank you, son.

Come on.
Give me a hug.

Love you.

Go on.
Get out of here.

Oh, oh. Where you
taking her tonight?

Well, I made reservations
at two places--

Chez Henri, a French place
on 14th, if it looks promising,

umberto's for Italian
if it looks like a bomb.

Hi. you must be Victor.

Yeah. I, uh...
I must.

Great. I'll
just be a second.

Nice place.

Yes. thank you.

Buying this place
was the only smart thing

that son of a bitch
ex-husband of mine ever did.

Um, listen, Victor.

I don't smoke,
i don't drink,

and no sexual activity
on the first date.

O.k.

Do you like
Italian food?

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your dining pleasure,

grilled ahi
a la Kim.

Well, look at this.

This is beautiful!

Thank you.

Wow!

Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.

That's fish.

Yeah. you said
you like fish.

He doesn't like fish.
He loves fish.

I like fish sticks,
not fish fish.

You remember the fish that
we caught at lake kachuma.

You ate that.

That
was different.

Yeah. that was a
disgusting little mud fish.

This is a fantastic
grilled ahi with lime sauce

and a sprig of--
what the heck is this?

Cilantro.

Cilantro.

I don't care.
I'm not eating it.

You know what, Ben?

I'm going to
make you a hamburger.

It'll
just take a sec.

No, it's o.K.
He's going to have the fish.

It's not
a problem, really.

I don't want
a burger either.

Oh, you're not
going to eat at all now.

Can I call
mommy?

No, no.
We're having dinner now.

Can I call mommy?

No. no calling mommy.

Let them call.

Kim,
I'm handling this.

Don't get mad at me!

I'm not getting mad
at anybody...Yet.

I just want to have
a nice dinner.

That's all.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Heidi.

Hi.

Hi.

Jonathan wanted
to see Ben,

and I wanted to
see you.

We thought potluck.

Oh.

Come on!

Jonathan!
Jonathan!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this
a bad time?

Heh heh.

Enjoy your meal.

[Coughing]

I'm o.K.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Great.

You o.K.?

Hairball.

[Coughing]

[Clears throat]

This is not, like,

your first time in
a restaurant, is it?

No. my ex-husband used to
like to eat out all the time,

may he rest in peace.

Oh,
he passed away?

Not yet.

[Coughing]

We may need
another minute.

O.k.

[Clears throat]

How is it--good?

It's o.K.

You know, I got
the recipe from Vic.

Oh.

Yup.

Funny. I used to
trade baseball cards.

Now I'm trading
recipes.

Hey, that was
some brunch today.

It was o.K.

What did you do
after the brunch?

Nothing.

You must have
done something.

Not actually.

See, what
i was doing there

was trying
to make conversation.

Did I tell you
I'm thinking of taking
in a partner at work?

Yeah. because the whole
real estate market

is starting
to pick up again,

so I was thinking

if I have a mortgage broker
in the office, you know.

Remember Joe Farrell?

Not really.

Joe...

Farrell.

Joe Farrell.

Remember we used to go
to those great barbecues?

He had that cottage
at lake arrowhead.

You must remember
Joe Farrell.

O.k. I know Joe.

He used to come to
the house all the time

when we lived
on Perth street.

Oh, the good
old days.

What?

Before the flood.

That's what
mom calls it.

Really?

That's
what she calls it?

We were
so terribly happy.

The Perth street
paradise.

I think we were
pretty happy
on Perth street.

Whatever.

You weren't happy
on Perth street?

I don't want to
talk about it.

Why not?

Because when
we talk about it,

we don't really
talk about it,

so let's just not.

I want to talk
about it.

Well, I don't.

We're having dinner.

I'm your dad.
We can talk about it.

So this is supposed to
be a cozy family dinner,

is that what this is?

Christ. you
don't make this easy!

You think
this is easy for me?

I don't know
what it is for you!

Don't yell at me!

I'm not yelling
at you.

I'm getting out
of here.

Sit down! You're
not going anywhere.

I have my own life, too.

Sometimes it's not easy
giving that up!

Really?

No one ever thinks
about what I need!

Maybe I miss
my friends from school.

Maybe I want to go to
the movies or a party.

But no. I have to
be stuck here with you!

You little shit.

Go.

If you want to go, go.

You don't want to live
here, don't, all right?

Why don't
you go to Meg's

and just have fun
with Meg, o.K.? Go!

[Door closes]

Shit!

Well, this is
a little embarrassing.

I didn't realize you'd
be here with someone.

We should go.

No, no.
Don't be silly.

Does Jonathan like
grilled ahi

with cilantro
and lime sauce?

It's his favorite.

This smells great.

Good. excuse me.

All right, Dave.
What's going on?

What do you mean?

What do you think
i mean?

What?
you mean Heidi?

Yes, I mean Heidi.

What was i
supposed to do,

stop her
at the door?

There's an idea.

Well, I can't do that.

We're soccer parents
together.

You know,
the same team.

There's a bond there.
We're panthers.

Uh-huh.

Ohh...

Look. everything's
going to be fine.

They won't
stay long, really.

I wanted this to be
a special night.

And it will be.

I promise, o.K.?

Come on.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get that.

Coming!

Hi.

Hi, Sheila.

We were
in the neighborhood,

and we thought
we'd take a chance.

Uh...

Oh. oh, no.

This is
a bad time.

I should
have called.

No, no.
It's fine.

It's been so long
since I called a man,

I didn't know how.
I got nervous.

When I get nervous,
i bake.

Oh. thank you,
Sheila.

She bakes.

So when you said
drop by,

you were
just being nice.

[Ben]
hey, Joshua. Think fast!

Oh!

Hey! come on!
Let's go!

Yeah! let's go!

Maybe we
could scrimmage.

So...

What do you weigh?

Come again.

Sorry. see, I'm
a wrestling coach.

The first thing I do
is try to put people

in their
proper weight class.

That's charming.

Uh...

Hmm...

So you'd
wrestle what?

Um...126?

109!

So you're
a featherweight.

Hmm. yeah.

Are we ready?

Ooh.
what do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

[Coughs]

[Clears throat]

Let's see.

Chicken.
no, no, no.

Do I want
a meatball sandwich?

I don't want
a meatball sandwich.

Is this it?

That's it.
This is it.

This is it.

Veal?

Man, do you know

how long veal stays
in your colon?

It's, like, endless.

[Coughs]

Oof!

I'm part Italian.

I could order for both
of us, if you like.

No!

Don't do that, o.K.?

Don't put me in the role

of traditional
passive female,

and I'll just sit here

with my little hands
in my little lap

while my big, strong man
orders for me, o.K.?

Let us not
play that game.

We're definitely going
to need another minute.

Would you
please tell me

what
we're doing here?

We're having fun!

You should call
your dad.

You should
just kick it!

I'm supposed
to be babysitting.

You are babysitting!

Do you have
any rafi?

What?

Do you have
any rafi?

Reefer?

Rafi!

Oh, my god.
There he is.

I am totally in love.

Watch. I'm going
to talk to him.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

You came.
This is Walter.

Nice to see you again.

Hi.

Hello.

You want to dance?

Me?

Sure.

You want to dance
with me?

You don't dance?

Yeah, but--

then let's dance.

Look, you want
to just go home

and forget this?

Make believe
it never happened?

No! come on, silly!

We're out.
We're dressed.

It's Saturday night!
Let's have a good time.

Whooeeow! whoow!

Whoo!

Are you on medication
or something?

God, everybody
asks me that.

No! I'm just
high on life!

Oh. is that it?

You don't date much,
do you?

In the last few years,
no.

You?

Mm-hmm. all the time,

and I'm getting
much better at it.

I used to be
so much worse.

That's hard to believe.

How come
you don't date?

Ahh...you know.

You don't like
to talk, do you?

It's hard for you to express
yourself. I know.

You can tell you keep
it all bottled up inside,

festering,
ready to explode.

I guess.

Me, I can't shut up.

Want to know
why I got divorced?

Irreconcilable
differences.

We were
total opposites.

He was normal?

I kept telling him
i was going to leave.

He didn't believe me.

He said I was faking,
like with the orgasms.

Ahh...

He was one of those
unenlightened males

who would have rather
married his mother,

and that's not fair to me.

Finally, one day,
I'd had enough.

I left him a note.
It said,

"michael, free-range
chicken in the fridge.

Underwear's in the dryer.
I'm out of here. Lucille."

That was very thoughtful
of you, Lucille,

to leave the chicken.

That's how I am.

That's my crime.
Very giving.

Lock me up.

Mm-hmm.

Let's see...
What looks good?

* I bless
the day I found you *

* I want
to stay around you *

* and so I beg you

* let it be me

* don't take
this heaven from one *

* if you must cling to
someone *

* now and forever

* let it be me

* each time we need love

* I found complete love

* without your sweet love

* what would life be?

No one saw you there,
did they?

I mean, Claire
didn't see you.

God, I hope not.

What were you
doing there, anyway?

I don't know.

I just wanted to see
what I don't have.

I mean, I'm standing
on that lawn,

and I don't live there.

I don't live with Claire.
How is that possible?

We used to be
Donny and Claire. Remember?

Sure, I remember.

You're talking to Susan,
of Susan and Dave.

We were a family.

I don't know
what we are now.

It could be a lot worse.

You read about it in
the papers all the time.

One parent kidnaps
the kids from another,

takes them
across state lines.

Can you imagine if you
couldn't even see Emma?

I mean, I know
it's not easy,

but we're much,
much better off

than a lot
of people, Donny.

Why are you so sunny?

What choice do I have?

You could wallow in this
with me.

Come on!

Let's wallow!

Let's say bad things
about Phil

and our ex-spouses.

It'll be fun.

I'm past that, Donny.

I'll tell you
something else.

I'm not going to
the graduation tomorrow.

Can't take it.
Oh, that's very mature.

Phil's going to be there.
Let's let Phil handle that.

It's not the same.
You're the father.

Birth father.
I'm the birth father.

I'm only operational
for weekends

and informal events.

I clean up nice,
but no real power,

sort of like
prince Charles.

Let's face it.

Nobody
wants me there anyway.

Emma wants you there.

It's very easy
for you to say.

No!

It's not easy for me.

It's not easy
for any of us,

but this is how it is.

This is how
it turned out.

You're Emma's father,
and that's forever.

Nothing can change that.

You're going to be there
for her, Donny.

You are.

* I need love, love,
oh, to ease my mind *

* and I need to find, find
someone to call mine *

* my mama said

* you can't hurry love

* no, you'll
just have to wait *

what was that?

I don't know,

but I did like it.

Yeah. me, too.

* no, you'll
just have to wait *

* just trust
in the good times *

oh, my god!
This feels good!

Oh, gee.
I'm kissing Dave's wife.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

* I've grown impatient
for a love *

why didn't we
do this before?

We were married before.

Oh, yeah.

* I can't go on *

you know that I almost
kissed you last Christmas?

Really?

You were standing
by the fruitcake,

and you looked so good.

You were in
that green suit.

You remember
what I was wearing?

Yeah. wow.
I guess I do.

Remember
what I was wearing?

I have no idea.

I'm not shooting for
a successful relationship

at this point.

I'm just looking
for something

that will prevent me

from throwing myself
in front of a bus.

I'm keeping my expectations
very, very low.

Basically, I'm just
looking for a mammal.

That's my bottom line,

and I'm really very
flexible on that, too.

Huh?

[Dean martin]
* when the moon
hits your eye *

* like a big pizza pie

* that's amore

* when the world seems to shine
like you've had too much wine *

* that's amore

* bells will ring

* ting-a-ling-a-ling,
ting-a-ling-a-ling *

* and you sing
vita Bella *

aah!

* hearts will play

* tippy-tippy-tay,
tippy-tippy-tay *

* like a gay tarantella

* when the stars
make you drool *

* just like pasta fazool

* that's amore *

* when you dance
down the street *

* with a cloud at your feet

* you're in love

* when you walk in a dream

* but you know
you're not dreaming *

* signore

* 'scusa me, but you see,
back in old napoli *

* that's amore

[kids]
everybody, come on!

Why don't we move
in the living room

for some coffee?

Oh, wonderful.

So anyway, I really
thought Jonathan

was going to make
the all-star team,

but he couldn't
get along with that coach.

[Dave]
Rudy?

Who can get along
with Rudy?

Why do they
let him coach?

He's from Ecuador,

so they figure he must know
something about soccer.

Oh, that man.
He's so annoying.

He doesn't listen to
any of the mothers.

Is it just me?

No. I've
noticed that, too.

I didn't want
to say anything.

Because you're
one of the few men

who actually does
listen to women.

51% of the population.

Ha ha ha!

I'd be more comfortable

if there were
more women coaches.

That perspective

would be very valuable
for the kids.

You know,
my ex-wife coaches.

Really?
my ex-husband drinks.

Ha ha ha!

Don't get me started
on ex-husbands.

Some of my best friends
are ex-husbands.

Ha ha ha!

Oh! wait!

What?

Oh, god, Donny, this
isn't going to work,

not like this.
Not so fast.

Really? because it seemed
like it was working.

No. I'm afraid you'd be
thinking about Claire,

and you'd be afraid

that I was thinking
about Dave.

What if you
thought about Claire

and I thought
about Dave?

Would that work?

You got some
lipstick right...

Huh?

Yeah.

You better go.

You're saying that like
you might change your mind.

I know.

That's why
you'd better go.

[Loud music playing]

Party!

Don't I know you?
I know you.

No, you don't!

Don't I know you?

Emma,
where are you going?

Stop!

What are you doing?

What do you care?

You're not my friend
anymore anyway.

But if you must know,

we're going for a drive,
and you can't come.

Emma, you're not
driving this car!

Oh, yeah? Why not?

You're drunk, and you
don't have a license.

Meg, just move!

I'm not
going to let you--

leave me alone!

You're not my dad!

I've already got
two dads!

Why don't you just--

thank you for
a wonderful evening,

McDonald's guy.

Now move!

Emma, are you crazy?
You can't do this!

You'll have to
run me over!

Bye!

There goes
my dad's car!

Whoa. lights.

[Tires screeching]

Stop, please!

No!

[Women laughing]

Hysterical!

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're leaving
you out, aren't we?

That's o.K.

Sheila's right. We've
been excluding you.

We should talk
about something

you're interested in.

What would you like
to talk about?

Condoms.

Really?

Yeah, let's talk
about condoms.

Dave's very interested
in safe sex.

Now I know why.

O.k., Kim.
I think that's enough.

Yes, you're right, Dave.

That is enough.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
I--I'll just be--

I don't know
what I'll be.

What's the matter?

Is it
the other ladies?

They loved
the ahi.

Sheila wants
the recipe.

That's not
all she wants.

That is so sexist, Kim!

If it were two soccer
fathers who dropped by,

you wouldn't be saying
any of this.

Are you saying you don't
want to sleep with them?

That's a different
issue entirely.

[Sheila]
we should be going.

I think we're just

going to be running along.

Just kidding.

Jonathan!

Kids, come on!

[Footsteps approaching]

Dad, can my friends
sleep over?

Not tonight, Ben.

Why? it's not
a school night.

I don't know why.

They just can't.

It's because
of her, right?

She ruined this!

She ruins
everything!

Go to your room!

It's not fair, dad!

Go!

[Crying]

Stay.
you stay. Please.

Oh, you're welcome
to go, of course.

If you want.

Come on, kids.

Thank you
for this, Dave.

If you want
to wait a minute,

I'll rinse out
those casserole dishes.

Not at all.

I'll bring them
to practice on Wednesday.

Super.
great!

And I'll talk to Rudy
about Jonathan.

He's got to be more
thoughtful of the kids.

Nice meeting you,
Kim.

Bye!

Bye!

Look, I, uh...

I'm sorry.

It wasn't supposed
to go like this.

No, it wasn't.

* ...To see love die

* so sad to watch
good love go bad *

* remember
how you used to... *

you want me to drive
for a while?

Don't even joke
about it.

It's just so hard
to resist.

You just want
to grab hold!

Ha ha ha!

Hey! hey!

Come on!
Cut it out!

Let go of the wheel,
will you?

I have a professional
responsibility here.

I am a licensed driver's
education instructor!

Ohh! a renaissance man!

Well, fine. Go ahead.

Drive the car.

You really do have
multiple,

multiple personality
problems.

You must know that.

Well,
maybe it comes from

wrestling outside
my weight class.

Who knows?

[Tires screech]

[Tires screech]

Ha ha ha!

[Tires screech]

Ha ha ha!

Well, here we are.

"Here we are"?
That's it?

What do you mean,
that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Aren't you going to
ask me in for coffee?

I don't live here.
This is your house.

Why would I ask you
in for coffee

at your house?

Duh! I thought you'd
ask me in for coffee

at your house!

I didn't take you
to my house!

Precisely.

Jesus.
what a stupid car.

Thank you.

Mmm...

Aren't you going to
get out or something?

Hold on.

I'll walk you
to the door.

Jeez.

Oh!

Well, good night.

Wait. wait. Wait. Wait.

Keys. keys. Keys. Keys.
Where are my keys?

Oh, man.

Mr. wonderful,
i don't have my keys!

Leave them by the phone?

I left them
by the phone.

The whole place
is locked up?

Like a fortress.
I'm very paranoid.

So you're locked out.

Yeah. yeah.

Oh, no!

They changed it!

My old
Perth street house.

It shouldn't
have a porch.

It shouldn't?

No! and it's not
supposed to be white.

Is it supposed to be
spinning around?

Oh...

Kim.

I forgot my purse.

As soon as I find it,
I'll be gone.

You have every
right to be mad.

Good. because I am.

Hurt, humiliated, and sad.
Very, very sad.

I know tonight didn't
work out just right, but--

but what?

I cannot wait
to hear this.

It's very hard
when the kids--

don't you use
your kids against me.

It is not your kids.
It is not your buddies.

It is not your work.
It is you.

Yeah.

I mean, what was
the plan here, Dave?

Did you actually expect

to get all three of us
in bed?

Oh.

There's no plan.
There's never a plan.

There's just...

I don't know.
I was having fun.

I have been looking
so hard

for a way to get
into your life,

but you know what?

I don't want in
anymore.

I just want out.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, Jesus!

Don't go yet.

Please.

Vic.

Can we come in?

Sure. come on in.

Dave, this is Lucille.
Lucille, Dave.

Hello, Lucille.

Hi, Dave.

Lucille's my, uh, date.

Your date? Oh!
Excuse me?

You don't own me.

We're in this
together.

It's our date.

Gotcha.

Did you guys have
a nice dinner?

Not really.

No. we didn't
hit it off.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Mmm.

You want
to sit down?

No, thank you.

Kim!

Hi, Vic. Hi.

This is Lucille.

Hi, Lucille.
I'm Kim.

Of course you are.

Oh, bravo, Victor.
Very nice.

Thanks
for showing me

exactly what I'm
up against here.

Excuse me?

Every guy's
fantasy date--

she's petite,
she's perky,

and I'm a big fat pig,
right, Vic?

Oh, boy.

I'll make
some drinks.

[Doorbell rings]

I almost slept with
your wife tonight.

I thought you should know.

O.k. anything else?

No. that's it.

All right.
I'll see you later.

What do you mean,
see you?

Donny, this isn't
the best time.

I didn't just borrow
a lawn mower here.

This is a human being
we're talking about.

She's a beautiful,
sensitive, caring woman,

and she's--
she's beautiful.

I know all about Susan.

We were married
for nine years.

You were never married.

You have no idea
what that means.

Is this a lecture?

Because I didn't
sign up for the class.

It was my fault,

because we covered for you,
and we lied for you,

and it was all wrong.

I owe you an apology.
I apologize.

I accept. Now get
the hell out.

Donny!

Vic?

Is that you?

Come on in.

What are you
doing here?

Lucille, Donny.
Donny, Lucille.

Hi.

Hi.

Is this the date?
The date?

As in the cow
or the chicken?

I don't believe you guys.
I'm in the stone age here.

How'd it go?

Guess.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello.

Why don't we all
sit down?

She doesn't want to sit down.
She doesn't want to sit down.

Donny, it's for you.
It's Meg.

My Meg?
For him?

How'd she know I'm here?
You're always here.

[Donny]
yeah?

Would you like
to sit down?

Hold it. She what?

[Tires screeching]

Dad, over here!
Dad!

[Donny]
where's Emma?

She's in
her old tree house.

Are you kids
o.K.?

We should have never
gone to that party.

They made me go.
They tied me up!

He was dancing.

You call that music?
It's just noise.

You were
babysitting.

We went
to see Max.

Emma has
a crush on him.

Who's Max?

I'm Max.

This your idea?

I didn't even know
they were coming.

Stay away
from these girls.

I didn't do anything.

Stay the hell
away from these girls!

Max didn't do
anything at all.

Who are you?

I work with him.
He's my boss.

Emma? throw
that ladder down.

Go away!

Is that
his daughter?

Yeah.

Get her out
of my tree.

We're working
on that.

[Donny]
come on down.

No! go away!
I hate you! I hate you!

Did you see what
she did to my lawn?

Let him talk
to his daughter.

I got the lawn
torn up, tree damage--

just give me
a number.

500.

Give me another
number, lower.

Dad, go away!
You threw me out! I'm out!

Now just
leave me alone!

I'm coming up.

Don't worry.
He's done this before.

He's a professional.

No! dad!

[Vic]
Donny! hang on!

Pull him up, Emma!

Ow!

Ladder. for to climb.

I'm sorry, dad.

I'm so sorry!

What's the matter
with me, daddy?

I can't make
anybody happy.

I ruin
everything!

Shh! shh! Shh! Shh!
Don't talk like that.

If I was better,

if I didn't always
get in trouble--

that's why you left.

Hey! hey!

It wasn't you.
You know that.

It was never you.

Move back in, dad.

We can make it work
this time,

and I'll be good.
I promise.

You won't leave.

You and mom
will be together.

We can't.
We can't be married.

Yes, you can!

We tried.

You didn't try!
You just walked out!

How could you
do that?

You walked out!

I swear to god, I tried!
We couldn't do it.

Well, try again!

I can't. We're not going
to get back together!

O.k.? your mom and I,

we'll never be back
together again, ever.

This is how it is.

I want to be
a family again.

We are a family.

We're just a little
screwed up.

We're still a family.

Your mom loves you,
and I love you.

God, I love you.

I love you, too,
daddy.

That sounds really good.

Could you say that
again, please?

I love you.

Could you sing it?

O.k.

We don't have to fix this
all tonight, you know?

It's a good start.

[Rock music playing loudly]

Hey! don't be
so concerned
about Emma, o.K.?

She's going to be fine.

Dad, you can't believe
how cool this car is!

Turn it down!

Dad, you can't believe
how cool this car is!

How many points
do I need to get one?

Jed, you
could sit in a bath

eating vegetables, doing
your homework all day

for the rest
of your life,

and you
would not come close

to getting one of these.

But it's got surround-sound
and autoscan. Listen.

[Townsend]
what is wrong with you people?

It's so simple!

Get out of the car.

What?

I need it. Meg!

Yeah, dad?

I've got errands.
I'll meet you back home.

Errands?

Keep an eye on your brother.
You're still babysitting.

By the way, you're not
getting paid for tonight!

[Peter gunn playing]

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

And you are?

Uh...

Uh, what
do you want?

Uh, you like
a souvenir mug?

What gives you
the right?

You make it all sound
so easy, don't you?

What gives
me the right?

You're in here with
your stupid, stupid voice!

Brian! Brian!
Brian!

This is for everybody!

I just want to
tear your throat out!

[Falsetto]
o.k. all right. O.K.

And now back
to Dr. David townsend.

We're back,
and we've got a guest.

O.k.!

Can you get
the Dodgers score?

I can try.

Brian!

You just invent your
crappy dime-store wisdom!

That was my father.

Where?

No! on the radio
screaming!

...after hour,
after hour, after hour!

The crime
you commit, townsend,

is you make people think
this divorce stuff is easy!

It's their fault if
they're not good at this!

You make me feel
something's wrong with me

because I'm not
enjoying my divorce!

Well, there's nothing
wrong with me!

It's you, townsend!
You're giving us a complex!

This is hard!

And you think
all we got to do

is listen to you
and this gets better.

Well, guess what, pal?

This never gets better!
It never ends!

It's never over! Never!

They o.K.?

Yeah, they're fine.

They're still listening
to their dad

yelling at that townsend
guy on the radio.

That's one angry guy.

You mind if we wait,

just till their father
comes home?

Sure.

Thanks for sticking
up for me tonight.

Hell, that man
was way out of line.

You know how fathers are.

No, I don't. Not really.

Where is
your father, Max?

I don't really have one.

There's a guy living
with my mother now,

but he's more
of a pain in the ass

than a father.

Max, I'm going to be
71 years old pretty soon.

I live in a big house
all by myself,

and I'm working on
the adopt-a-geezer program.

Now, I'm not begging you,

but I could sure as hell
use some company.

Walter, you don't
even know me, man.

Why would you want me
hanging around?

There's a catch.

What's that?

You've got to
drive me to work.

Townsend! no more talk.
You and me!

15 rounds, right here!

You are a very
passionate man,

and I respect that,
Mr...

Damico. Vic damico.

D-a-m-i-c-o.

You're going through
a rough one,

are you, Vic?

Just shut up!

For once, listen
to somebody else!

See? this is good.
This is good

because y-y-y-you're
just opening up,

a-a-and good things
can come from this.

I am guessing that
you have children, Vic.

Don't, o.K.?
Don't try to draw me out.

It won't work.

Three.

And, uh, since
the divorce,

you're feeling
distant, removed?

Wrong as usual,
Dr. know-it-all.

This is good.
Don't block.

Zip it, or I'll
break you in half.

All right.

You see,
before the divorce,

I thought I was
close to my kids,

but I really wasn't.

I mean, I loved them,
i took care of them,

made sure they had
a roof over their heads,

but I left it to grace--

grace?

Yeah. my ex.

To handle the real
emotional stuff.

You know,
the intimate stuff.

And she
was good at it.

I got to
give her credit.

She's still
good at it.

I was working, you know,
sometimes two jobs.

I just wasn't
around much.

I'm not making
excuses.

I should have been
there, but I wasn't.

I'd come home.

Grace would tell me
which kid to hug,

which kid to yell at.

I'd read
their report cards,

I'd kiss them
good night,

and sometimes
I'd make breakfast,

and that was about it.

You know?

But now when
my kids are with me,

it's just me.

I'm the one who
puts the band-aids on.

I'm the one
who rubs the tummy,

shampoos the hair,

and holds them when
they have bad dreams.

Then they go back
to their mother...

And I realize
what I'm missing.

You know, before...
I didn't really know.

I couldn't put
my finger on it.

But...now I know.

Now I know.

I love that man.

I'm sorry.

[Townsend]
if you get a busy signal,

keep on trying.

The lines are tied up

because we're here
with Mr. Vic damico,

divorce survivor,
divorce victim,

divorce hero.

John from Pasadena,
you're on the air.

Hi, Dr. townsend.

I listen to your show
all the time,

and I really,
really hate you--

oops! we seem
to have lost John.

Our next caller,
Wendy from silver lake.

Hi, Dr. townsend.
Hi, Vic.

Hi, Wendy.
Hi, Wendy.

Hold on
a second, Wendy.

Doc, a little
sugar, please.

I was just wondering,

Vic, do you want to
get married again?

If I found
the right girl

and my kids
liked her.

No, no. Do you want
to marry me?

Uh, Vic, we're
going to have to

take a little
break now.

Yeah. oh, o.K.

Uh, we'll be right
back after this.

[Music playing]

You're fabulous.

You haven't
done this before?

Never.

Fabulous.

This is great.
Good coffee, too.

Can you believe
that Vic on the radio?

Tell me
about it.

He's good, isn't he?

Call in myself with
a few questions.

Maybe he can
help me out.

I never heard him
talk so passionately

about his kids.

Never heard him
talk passionately

about anything,
except the Red Sox.

Donny,
what you said before

over at my house--

we don't have to
talk about that tonight.

I want to tell you
that you were right.

I want to work on that.

Commitment,
that's important.

Is that what I said?

I don't know anything.

That was just something
to say.

You were right
about Susan, too.

She's the greatest,

and you're
the greatest,

so if
that works out,

that would be
great.

Just great.

You o.K.?

Yeah.

I'm o.K.

I'm right where
i want to be.

We never talk
about that.

You know, if you're
happy or I'm happy.

We never talk
about that.

No, we don't.

You want to?

No.

Me, neither.

See ya.

O.k.

When my father
left home...

I didn't see him

for maybe five
or six months.

One day, he, uh...
He pulled up

in this
brand-new mustang.

He'd grown these
sideburns, you know?

I was 11 years
old at the time,

and all I could
think was,

"who is this guy?"

He bought me
a tennis racket.

I didn't
play tennis.

I still don't
play tennis.

I don't want
to be him.

You're not him.

Every time
i pass a couple,

I think, how come they
can do it, and I can't?

How come they can
stay together?

What do they know
that I don't?

When my kids go back
on Sunday, I cry.

I worry that I'm
ruining their lives...

That I'm ruining mine.

I do the best
that I can.

But I'm screwed.

What if it's not enough?

[Vic]
there's going to be

good days
and bad days.

You're going
to make mistakes.

You're going
to screw up.

Hey, you're just a guy.

The main thing is
to love your kids

and keep going.

Just love 'em,
you know?

Just love 'em.

* who knows how long
I've loved you? *

* you know
i love you still *

* will I wait
a lonely lifetime? *

* if you want me to,
i will *

* 'cause if i
ever saw you *

* I didn't catch your name

* but it doesn't
really matter *

* I will always feel the same

* I'll love you forever
and forever *

* love you with all my heart

* love you whenever
we're together *

* love you
when we're apart *

* ooh

* when I finally find you

* this song will fill
the air *

* sing it loud
so I can hear you *

* make it easy
to be near you *

* all the things you do
endear you to me *

* oh, you know I will

* mmm, mmm

* I'll love you forever
and forever *

* love you with all my heart

* I'll love you whenever
we're together *

* love you
when we're apart *

* when I finally find you

* this song will fill
the air *

* sing it loud
so I can hear you *

* make it easy
to be near you *

* all the things you do
endear you to me *

* oh, you know I will

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
happiness *

* hello,
loneliness *

* I think I'm
gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
sweet caress *

* hello,
emptiness *

* I feel like
i could die *

* bye bye, my love,
goodbye *

* there goes my baby

* with someone new

* she sure looks happy

* I sure am blue

* she was my baby

* till he stepped in

* goodbye to romance *

* that might have been

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
happiness *

* hello,
loneliness *

* I think I'm
gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
sweet caress *

* hello,
emptiness *

* I feel like
i could die *

* bye bye, my love,
goodbye *

* I'm through
with romance *

* I'm through with love

* I'm through
with counting *

* the stars above

* and here's the reason

* that I'm so free *

* my lovin' baby *

* is through with me

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
happiness *

* hello,
loneliness *

* I think I'm
gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye,
sweet caress *

* hello,
emptiness *

* I feel like
i could die *

* bye bye,
my love, goodbye *

* bye bye,
my love, goodbye *

* bye bye,
my love, goodbye *

* bye bye,
my love, goodbye *

* bye bye, my love...