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1
00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,264
I can't even stand the thought
of a chicken in a cage.
2
00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:05,565
- I can't either.
- Like, heartbreak.
3
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,003
I'm obsessed with almond butter.
4
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:08,107
Have you tried it?
5
00:00:08,208 --> 00:00:10,472
- It's so much better for you.
- Oh, God, yeah.
6
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,307
Like, I didn't know peanuts
are, like, dangerous.
7
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:16,314
Oh, my God.
That is so sad.
8
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,407
Oh, my God, Look at that.
9
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:19,829
How do you even become
a stripper?
10
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,821
Oh, my God, it's like,
"What happened?"
11
00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:23,650
- Something happened.
- Oh, you know it.
12
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,782
It's like I wish they could
draw their self-worth
13
00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,826
from something else.
14
00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:29,792
And there's other ways
to make money.
15
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:31,363
Total... yeah.
Host at a restaurant.
16
00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:32,362
I did it.
17
00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:33,989
My God, for how long?
18
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:37,331
Oh, almost a month.
Yeah, I really got in there.
19
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,428
I mean, this just
makes me really appreciate
20
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,006
my relationship with my dad.
21
00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:42,107
- Totally.
- Yes.
22
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,438
Our dad, like, loved us
too much.
23
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,288
My dad's picking me up
after our workout today
24
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:48,371
and we're just gonna,
like, walk.
25
00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:49,778
That's a nice day.
26
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,215
I just feel like, like,
as women,
27
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:54,718
just we're blessed
with so much more
28
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,482
than just our bodies,
29
00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:59,217
that to, like, not use that...
30
00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:02,522
Like, would you guys mind if I
just stop talking for a second?
31
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:03,639
I just feel like I might cry.
32
00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:06,461
Oh, my God, it's okay.
I cried on my way here.
33
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,534
It's just, like,
hard to look at that.
34
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,398
Yeah, it's...
it's so sad.
35
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,869
- So sad.
- Saddest.
36
00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:15,338
All right, bitches! Welcome to
body pole punk class!
37
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,743
Let's do it.
Get on your poles!
38
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,473
Faces down, asses up!
Do it!
39
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:24,141
Whores! Whores!
You're all whores!
40
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:37,562
I feel like I never saw girls
that looked like me on TV.
41
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,996
The only time was
in those Dove soap commercials.
42
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,177
You know what I'm talking about?
43
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:43,431
The girls for Dove soap.
Those commercials.
44
00:01:43,536 --> 00:01:48,064
They would come out in their bra
and underwear on camera, right?
45
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,940
And they were like my size,
like size 6s, 8, 10, and, uh...
46
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:57,616
12 at the holidays.
And...
47
00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,844
And they would come out
on camera,
48
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:03,252
just like real unsure,
just like deer in headlights.
49
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:04,755
Just like...
50
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,757
♪ This is okay, right? ♪
51
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:17,066
♪ We're cool with it
if you are ♪
52
00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:18,364
We were all watching like,
53
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,962
"We don't know
if we're cool with it."
54
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,371
And the whole thing was just
55
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,136
Dove patting themselves
on the back,
56
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:28,237
like, "Can you believe
how brave we are
57
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,806
for putting these fucking
dump trucks on television?
58
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:36,779
Put me on the cross."
59
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,890
Their slogan was like,
60
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,959
"Don't bite the hand
that overfeeds you."
61
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,321
Okay.
62
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,268
Hello?
63
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,326
Hi, Amy, you've got
Dan, Allen, Isaac,
64
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:53,803
Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.
65
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,807
There she is!
There's our girl.
66
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,604
Ames, what's shaking?
67
00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,302
What'd you get into
last night, girl?
68
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,004
Nothing much.
Just hanging out.
69
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,742
You kill me!
70
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,340
- You kill me!
- What's up, guys?
71
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,476
We know you've been looking
to make the transition
72
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:08,918
to doing more off-camera work.
73
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:09,920
I never said that.
74
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,685
They want you for the next big
animated kids' movie.
75
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:16,660
It's like "Charlie's Angels"
but with meerkats!
76
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,697
Jessica Alba and Megan Fox
have already signed
77
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,197
to play the other two.
78
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,325
- Uh, I'm in. I'm... Yeah.
- Awesome!
79
00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:23,445
We'll download you on the deets
80
00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,349
as soon as we circle back
with Tad... Allen out.
81
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:26,715
- Do what with what?
- Hanging up.
82
00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:29,367
Hello?
83
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,046
Bing!
84
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:39,551
Welcome, Amy.
85
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,552
Are you thirsty?
Are you hungry?
86
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:42,798
Did you find your snacks okay?
87
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,380
No, I brought this tea.
88
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:47,459
Oh, okay. Well, the snacks are
here for when you need them.
89
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,255
- Okay? There's snacks.
- Okay.
90
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:56,868
Red leather, yellow leather.
91
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,995
Hey, did Meg and Jess
already do their stuff?
92
00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,333
All right, let's just roll it.
93
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,964
Page one, scene one.
94
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,872
You'll hear a beep,
you'll say your lines.
95
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,137
Okay, cool.
96
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,649
I'm pretty and nice.
97
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,694
I'm sexy, but I love math.
98
00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:23,853
Karate!
99
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:34,899
Okay, t-that was your cue.
100
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,703
Uh, we'll take it again.
101
00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,936
Just, when you hear the beep,
just say the lines.
102
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:39,943
That one's me?
103
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,344
Yep, that's you.
104
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:46,043
Um, why doesn't my meerkat
have any pants?
105
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,882
Our animation team
is out of Japan,
106
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,752
and they don't have anybody
as big as
107
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,689
Dumpy the Frumpy Meerkat
over there,
108
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,886
so they literally
couldn't figure out
109
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,792
how to make pants fit on you.
110
00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,024
They couldn't even,
you know, fathom it.
111
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,413
But it's a cartoon.
They can't...
112
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:02,778
Why couldn't
they just draw pants?
113
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,046
It blew their minds.
They had no idea.
114
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,504
They didn't see the point.
115
00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:09,197
Worms.
116
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,903
Okay, we really need you
to drop it down a bunch.
117
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,035
Like a whole bunch.
118
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,411
It's got to be more like
"Wo-o-o-rms!"
119
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,610
You know, like you really love
worms and you're disgusting?
120
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,414
Tell you what,
why don't we just have you
121
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,580
do some wild feeding noises?
122
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,214
Can you find your snacks?
123
00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,153
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
124
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,005
Okay, just give me one
where you eat for a little bit
125
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:32,623
and then you stop to shit
126
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,927
and then go back
to eating again.
127
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,729
Paging Ms. Streep!
128
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,770
I mean, you are a star.
You're killing this.
129
00:05:38,871 --> 00:05:40,896
She is killing this, right?
130
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,340
No, no, no, I think we need
to get me out of this.
131
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:46,503
Schumes, what are
we talking about here, okay?
132
00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:48,136
You are crushing this.
133
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:51,011
My character has a pussy.
134
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,618
Have you eaten any snacks?
135
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,654
Yes, I have my snacks.
136
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,232
I'm sensing you're not
totally jazzed,
137
00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:01,192
but I think I have something
that's gonna change your tune.
138
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,888
Amy, meet...
139
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:07,660
your action figure.
140
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,763
- It's shitting.
- Yeah.
141
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:19,175
The thing retails for $42.99.
You get 60% of the back end.
142
00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:23,339
Wo-o-o-o-rms!
143
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,183
What was your favorite cartoon
growing up?
144
00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,654
Well, movie,
"Little Mermaid."
145
00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:33,555
What character
did you most connect to
146
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:34,557
in "Little Mermaid"?
147
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:36,184
Oh, Ariel.
148
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:37,387
I connect most to Ursula,
149
00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:39,294
but that's something
that I'm working on
150
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,129
with my therapist
on the Upper West Side.
151
00:06:48,274 --> 00:06:49,400
Hey, girls.
152
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,306
Janice, is that really you?
153
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,411
Uh-huh.
154
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,538
Wow, you look amazing.
155
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:58,139
You must have had 75 different
expensive surgeries
156
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,880
over the course of many years
to get a great look like that.
157
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:06,982
Nope. I just called Dr. Ron
and Cut 2 The Chase.
158
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,584
Aren't you tired
of plastic surgeons
159
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:13,153
who tell you to slow down or
think about what you're doing,
160
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,700
forcing you to undergo
one surgery after another
161
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:17,497
till you get the look you want?
162
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,504
Who has the time or money
for that?
163
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,164
At Cut 2 The Chase, we do it all
164
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,733
in just one affordable,
apocalyptic procedure.
165
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,177
Would you like to look like
a human-cat hybrid
166
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,441
who eats bees?
167
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:30,607
Of course you would.
168
00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:32,581
You have
crippling body dysmorphia,
169
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,550
and no one can talk sense
into you.
170
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,451
I used to hate people knowing
171
00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:37,614
if I was happy or sad.
172
00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:40,214
Now my face and labia
look the same.
173
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:43,056
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
174
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,869
My college-aged daughter
is really cute,
175
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,905
and that was threatening to me.
176
00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:58,102
But now my face is the one
threatening her
177
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,475
and all children.
178
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,275
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
179
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:03,973
When I was a human, I hated it.
180
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,051
Now I poop in sand.
181
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,244
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
182
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,651
With my patented
Hail Mary technique,
183
00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:13,281
I can perform five divorces
worth of surgery
184
00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:16,190
in one easy procedure.
185
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,198
Hmm.
186
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,394
Don't you owe it to yourself
187
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,302
to look like you fell into
a tank of chemicals
188
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:25,893
while fighting Batman?
189
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:30,135
Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get
your first and last procedure.
190
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,505
Cut 2 The Chase.
191
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,476
Because you're
fucking shattered.
192
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:38,777
Who has good plastic surgery?
193
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,944
Lindsay Lohan. Like,
has she had plastic surgery?
194
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,078
- I don't know.
- 'Cause she looks amazing.
195
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,020
I'll always support LiLo,
but like...
196
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:46,682
I can't believe
you guys call her LiLo.
197
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,570
Like, I didn't even know
that that was the thing.
198
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,572
Yeah, we were actually
just talking about this today.
199
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,154
We think
she's making a comeback.
200
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:53,163
- Really?
- Yeah.
201
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,359
Like, in what?
202
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,945
What celebrity do you know
with plastic surgery
203
00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:58,247
that you're like,
"Oh, that worked out"?
204
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:02,207
Well, what celebrity probably
doesn't have plastic surgery?
205
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:04,353
- That's a good question.
- Do you have plastic surgery?
206
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,174
I don't have any money.
Are you serious?
207
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,940
I can't even get things removed.
208
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,145
- Well, it's hard.
- Yeah.
209
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,691
That's why
they call it charity work.
210
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:14,845
Because it's work.
211
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:15,964
It's work.
It's exhausting.
212
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,633
Good evening, ladies.
How are you doing tonight?
213
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,555
- Really awesome.
- So good.
214
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,785
My name is Devon.
I'll be taking care of you.
215
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:22,554
Start you off
with anything to drink?
216
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:23,822
Uh, water's fine.
217
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:25,795
- Water's perfect.
- Great.
218
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,938
So we have a few specials
in addition to the menu...
219
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,968
Listen, before the specials,
220
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,833
I have to tell you
I'm allergic to nuts.
221
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:35,567
My meal cannot have
any nuts in it.
222
00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:38,371
She's insanely allergic to nuts.
223
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:40,069
Got it. No nuts.
Not a problem.
224
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,205
We accommodate allergies all
the time. I'll tell the chef.
225
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,647
No, I'm serious.
226
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,048
It can't have even
been around nuts.
227
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,347
Cashews, pecans...
228
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:49,682
Pine nuts, peanuts.
229
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,154
Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.
230
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:54,522
Almonds. Lalmonds.
Dalmonds.
231
00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:57,721
I understand.
So our specials are...
232
00:09:57,830 --> 00:10:01,596
Oh, actually, some of the bread
might have some nuts in them.
233
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,862
Oh, my God!
Are you serious?
234
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,280
I can't believe
this is happening!
235
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:06,328
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
236
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,703
- What is this?
- Oh, my God, it's a nut!
237
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:09,934
It's a little nut!
238
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:12,875
What did we just say, Devon?
Is this fucking "Memento"?
239
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:14,913
Are you an F-ing goldfish,
Devon?
240
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,379
Are we in your fish bowl?!
241
00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:18,162
Oh, look, a little,
plastic treasure chest!
242
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:19,684
Fuck you, Devon!
243
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,597
Do you know what would
happen to me if I ate that?
244
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,715
Do you?! Her face will swell up!
She will turn purple!
245
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,086
She will lose oxygen!
246
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,469
- Have you seen "Gravity"?
- I did.
247
00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:28,619
Was that your favorite part,
248
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:30,389
where they lost
fucking oxygen, Devon?!
249
00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:32,396
When I die, it'll be your fault!
250
00:10:32,498 --> 00:10:34,363
You'll have to go
to my mother's door
251
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,764
with a folded American flag
252
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,392
and say, "Thank you
for her service.
253
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,403
I'm Devon,
your daughter's killer"!
254
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:42,030
Look, I'm really sorry
about the bread.
255
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:47,340
I swear, I will make sure
that your meal is nut-free.
256
00:10:48,347 --> 00:10:49,627
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
257
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:51,148
Okay.
258
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,718
Uh, so our specials tonight...
259
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,879
- I think I know what I want.
- Oh, yeah, me too.
260
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,457
- What do I want?
- What do I want?
261
00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:00,320
I'll have...
262
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:03,293
I'll have the nut...
Oh! No.
263
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,488
Oh, the arugula salad.
264
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,326
I'll have the arugula salad.
265
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,592
Are there nuts in that?
266
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:08,962
No.
267
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:12,094
But I will triple-check.
268
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,566
- Nice job, Devon.
- Thank you so much.
269
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,403
Thank you.
270
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,999
Aw, he's sweet.
271
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:21,307
Two arugula salads.
272
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,143
Are there any nuts in those?
273
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,114
- Nope.
- Great.
274
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:41,931
No!
275
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,641
- No!
- What did we say?!
276
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:52,608
We said it!
277
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,873
What did we say?!
278
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,208
Everything all right here?
279
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,044
No!
280
00:11:58,117 --> 00:11:59,584
No!
281
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:11,556
Now, as we all know,
gravity goes down, yes?
282
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:12,562
But if we all focus,
283
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:17,068
sometimes gravity
can make things go up.
284
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:21,367
Now, does anyone have
a gum wrapper I could borrow?
285
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:24,136
Oh, I do.
286
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,801
Wonderful.
287
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:26,809
Thank you.
288
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,743
He is so hot.
289
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:31,009
Yeah, I'm not mad
at that eyeliner either.
290
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,211
As we all can see, this gum
wrapper is a rectangle, yes?
291
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,811
Now, if I fold it one more time,
292
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,482
we see it turns into a square.
293
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,059
Now, here's the weird part.
294
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,594
If I were to unwrap this,
295
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:48,099
the wrapper is right back
to how it was.
296
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,395
Oh, my God.
297
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:51,936
Are these even tricks?
298
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:53,766
I'd like to use
a lovely assistant.
299
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:54,771
Does anybody...
300
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,865
- Would anybody here?
- Shut up!
301
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,103
Already have the "lovely"
part taken care of.
302
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:00,109
No.
303
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:01,440
- Won't be too hard.
- Yeah.
304
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,412
No, I-I'd love
to be your assistant.
305
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,541
Okay, here's what
I want you to do.
306
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:10,088
I want you to tell me
when to stop.
307
00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:11,884
Stop.
308
00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:13,049
Stop.
309
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,626
Stop.
310
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,695
Okay.
311
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,731
Now tap this one time.
312
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:24,895
Okay, this is a story
about a queen...
313
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,096
Aw.
314
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:29,470
Who dated a bunch of a-holes...
315
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:30,803
It really is your story.
316
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:34,869
Who didn't do jack
for her, okay?
317
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,777
Until one day,
318
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,440
she found a guy who was too...
319
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,781
eight of clubs...
give me that back...
320
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:46,654
who was "2" good to be true.
321
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,091
She finally found her king.
322
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,224
Does anybody have a pretzel?
323
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,163
Oh, wait.
Here's one.
324
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,894
In your nose.
325
00:13:57,002 --> 00:14:00,301
Oh, wow.
326
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,896
Does anyone have a balloon?
327
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,235
I can't believe this.
328
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,942
I never thought
this would happen, but...
329
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,511
What?
330
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,639
I'm gonna fuck a magician.
331
00:14:20,292 --> 00:14:22,157
What?
How'd you do that?
332
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,492
I'm afraid
that's Victoria's secret.
333
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,929
Ew.
334
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,200
Put this on.
335
00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:34,295
Some people say,
"No glove, no love."
336
00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:37,034
However,
quantum mechanics dictates...
337
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,474
Okay, can you just
put it on, please?
338
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,944
Amy, you make me
feel like an animal.
339
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,878
- Okay. That's... All right.
- It's its penis.
340
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,507
Enough, please.
Just, can you...
341
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,712
Do you have an unlit match
and a Canadian coin?
342
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,550
No, can you just stop
with the magic?
343
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,180
Like, we're naked,
we're in my bed.
344
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:53,189
Like, you did it.
345
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:56,022
I actually can't do it tonight.
346
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,026
Why?
347
00:14:57,129 --> 00:15:00,030
'Cause there's something
blocking my way.
348
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,394
What?
349
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,127
Uh!
350
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,668
- Oh, my God!
- I don't know...
351
00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:08,136
Oh, my...
Ew, ew, ew.
352
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,299
All right, enough.
No more magic.
353
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,843
Your wish is my command.
354
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,503
That's still like
a magic saying.
355
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:15,807
Oh.
356
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,507
Man, you're pregnant!
357
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,413
What?
358
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:20,951
No, I'm not.
359
00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:25,081
Oh, my God.
I can feel it kicking!
360
00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:27,283
Ew!
Josh, this is cra...
361
00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:31,720
Josh?
362
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:35,264
Magic.
363
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,427
♪ He's a man of magic ♪
364
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:41,028
♪ Whoo, whoo ♪
365
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,573
Would you hook up
with a magician?
366
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:43,699
No.
367
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:44,986
Have you ever seen
a good magician?
368
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,602
- Yes.
- What did they do?
369
00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:49,442
Um, well, they made my mother
disappear, so it was kind of...
370
00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:50,446
That sounds amazing.
371
00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:52,449
Wait, is this like
a sad story about Shanghai?
372
00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:54,610
- No, no, it's not.
- Oh, okay.
373
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:06,854
So, gentlemen, you are comedians
for over 20 years now
374
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:07,976
and you are my good friends.
375
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,594
And you're also
the most morally bankrupt
376
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,846
human beings
on the planet, right?
377
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,394
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
378
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:14,983
- Yeah, that's true.
- Let's talk about it.
379
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,407
Oh, one second...
Over 40 years, one of us.
380
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:19,477
Oh, right.
Are you Moms Mabley?
381
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,545
Keith, hit on me.
382
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,240
Like, if I met you,
what would you...
383
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,894
What would you do if
we were just like at a bar?
384
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,796
- What's up, sweetie? You good?
- Yeah, I'm good.
385
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,084
No, he's talking to me,
Florentine.
386
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:31,451
Talking to her!
387
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:32,557
Okay, I don't know you.
388
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:35,219
Yeah, there we go.
How you doing?
389
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,420
- I'm fine.
- You fine?
390
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:38,427
That's what I'm talking about.
391
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:40,770
- I'm gonna call the police.
- You ever date a black man?
392
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,826
I actually felt scared.
393
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,266
He's very uncouth, too.
394
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,047
I remember Marina Franklin,
a friend of ours,
395
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,936
one time he was
just saying stupid things
396
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,268
about where he would take her,
397
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,855
to Subway or Burger King
for dinner...
398
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:51,987
When they were dating, right?
399
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,688
Yeah, and then they'd
have to be in the car
400
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:54,756
and not even getting a hotel.
401
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,509
And she just said,
"Who raised you?"
402
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:57,993
I thought it was
the greatest thing ever.
403
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:58,915
"Who raised you?"
404
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,417
Well, I'm assuming
just your mom.
405
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,419
No, well... Oh, you...
406
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,283
Oh, wait.
This might be Rachel.
407
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:09,793
We're just talking about
what dirtbags these guys are.
408
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,440
- Oh, they really are worthless.
- They're really pieces of shit.
409
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:15,331
In order, who would be the
biggest piece of crap? In order.
410
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:18,494
I think you would be most
traumatized by fucking Norton.
411
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:19,502
- Oh, absolutely.
- Right?
412
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:20,697
Probably.
413
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:23,297
But I wouldn't hit on you
because you're, like, a comic.
414
00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,120
I would never get you drunk
and try to fuck you.
415
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:28,272
But if we did have sex,
you'd regret it.
416
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,426
Have you guys gotten
a good amount of pussy
417
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,281
from being a comic?
418
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,148
- What?
- What?
419
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,188
It's the only reason I get it.
420
00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:38,449
Why do you think we do this?
421
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,650
You think we love
the "art of comedy"?
422
00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:42,522
Then why do we do it?
423
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,391
Amy, we've been asking
the same question.
424
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:51,130
What would you rather do...
kiss, have sex, or blow?
425
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:52,134
With Keith.
426
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:55,365
How about "D," sit on his face
and read my tweets?
427
00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:57,406
I'll take that.
428
00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,034
Even when Keith talks
about sex, it's just stupid.
429
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,739
He's always going,
"I got three pumps for ya."
430
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,043
I can make her do what
she needs to do in three pumps.
431
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:06,150
That's all I'm saying.
432
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,653
Fall asleep? Like, literally
drool on herself?
433
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:09,754
Blow the whistle?
434
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:13,601
What do you think
we're like in bed?
435
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:15,945
- Like, what do you think?
- I think you both stink in bed.
436
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,496
Who would put out first
out of these two?
437
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,597
Amy!
438
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,359
How dare you?
439
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,198
I guarantee Rachel tries to give
meaningful looks during sex.
440
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:27,534
Ew!
That's disgusting.
441
00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,039
She does this...
"Look at me, look at me.
442
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,142
Oh. Bobby?"
443
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,110
Jim has several lines that
he says works on any girl.
444
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:38,206
I would play some crummy gig
in the middle of Pennsylvania.
445
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,376
White-trash girl. I'd go,
"Hey, come out to my car."
446
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:41,384
We'd sit in the car.
447
00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:43,614
I would just go, "Look,
do you mind if I masturbate
448
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:44,722
while we kiss?"
449
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:47,102
I'd go, "I got a long ride home.
You don't have to touch it."
450
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,391
Nine out of ten times,
within one minute,
451
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:52,040
they had their hand
or their mouth on it.
452
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:55,261
What woman gets jealous when
they see a guy masturbating?
453
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,858
It's not like we're like,
"Wait, there can be dick?"
454
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,938
That's not like
an exciting prospect.
455
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,767
We all know the dick
is available.
456
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,136
We know there will be dick.
457
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:06,769
The psychology behind it is that
you... Like, we like vagina.
458
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,223
If you took your boob out
or your vagina,
459
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:09,624
we'd be like,
"Oh, my God, we love that."
460
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,548
- Thank you, thank you.
- You're welcome.
461
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,245
If you see a penis,
you like that, too.
462
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,652
You're wrong.
You're wrong.
463
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:19,553
When you see a penis,
you don't go,
464
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,058
"Wow, I want to
put it in my mouth?"
465
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,160
- No.
- No.
466
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:23,558
Really?
467
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,392
That's why a dick pic
is not exciting to a woman.
468
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,830
- No woman wants a dick pic.
- That's wrong.
469
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:30,765
No, they're lying to you.
470
00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:32,234
No. No.
471
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,771
No, the women he's talking
about have penises too.
472
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:38,775
So they're actually
exchanging dick pics.
473
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:41,437
- They're comparing.
- Oh, if only I could deny it.
474
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:49,012
I'm trying to date guys
that are not comedians,
475
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,019
which is so hard.
476
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,833
I was hooking up
with this guy the other day...
477
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,202
Well, is it hooking up if you're
just pushing their head down
478
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:55,746
like you're trying to
set off dynamite?
479
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:58,126
But...
480
00:19:58,230 --> 00:19:59,857
"Git!" Uh...
481
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:04,163
So I was out
with this civilian and...
482
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,328
And he was like talking to me
like I was a girl.
483
00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:07,715
But he was trying
to use a line on me.
484
00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:11,505
He's like, "Damn, girl,
those eyes."
485
00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,841
And I was like, "No."
486
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,938
He's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Eh."
487
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,049
Like, I'm 32.
488
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,777
If my eyes were a thing,
489
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:23,218
I would have heard about it
by now, you know?
490
00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:25,051
And I'm like,
"What are you going for?
491
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,886
Like, I'm gonna fuck you.
You showed up.
492
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:28,653
That was half the battle."
493
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:33,026
This is a magical story...
494
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:38,236
You all know that
age-old story of the...
495
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:42,064
Just relax.
496
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,300
Okay?
497
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,968
In your nose.
498
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,739
In your nose.
499
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:49,973
But maybe it's not.
500
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:53,661
Should we just cut this scene?
501
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:54,811
Yes.
502
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,257
That's right!
Go low!
503
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,385
Turn it!
Turn around on it!
504
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,053
Turn around
like it's a merry-go-round.
505
00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:07,427
It's your little
slutty merry-go-round.
506
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:10,228
And you're a bad girl!
All of you, bad!
507
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:12,098
Yeah, that's right.
508
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:15,298
That pole is the pony
you never got. Go!
36410
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