Original subtitles

I can't even stand the thought of a chicken in a cage.

- I can't either. - Like, heartbreak.

I'm obsessed with almond butter.

Have you tried it?

- It's so much better for you. - Oh, God, yeah.

Like, I didn't know peanuts are, like, dangerous.

Oh, my God. That is so sad.

Oh, my God, Look at that.

How do you even become a stripper?

Oh, my God, it's like, "What happened?"

- Something happened. - Oh, you know it.

It's like I wish they could draw their self-worth

from something else.

And there's other ways to make money.

Total... yeah. Host at a restaurant.

I did it.

My God, for how long?

Oh, almost a month. Yeah, I really got in there.

I mean, this just makes me really appreciate

my relationship with my dad.

- Totally. - Yes.

Our dad, like, loved us too much.

My dad's picking me up after our workout today

and we're just gonna, like, walk.

That's a nice day.

I just feel like, like, as women,

just we're blessed with so much more

than just our bodies,

that to, like, not use that...

Like, would you guys mind if I just stop talking for a second?

I just feel like I might cry.

Oh, my God, it's okay. I cried on my way here.

It's just, like, hard to look at that.

Yeah, it's... it's so sad.

- So sad. - Saddest.

All right, bitches! Welcome to body pole punk class!

Let's do it. Get on your poles!

Faces down, asses up! Do it!

Whores! Whores! You're all whores!

I feel like I never saw girls that looked like me on TV.

The only time was in those Dove soap commercials.

You know what I'm talking about?

The girls for Dove soap. Those commercials.

They would come out in their bra and underwear on camera, right?

And they were like my size, like size 6s, 8, 10, and, uh...

12 at the holidays. And...

And they would come out on camera,

just like real unsure, just like deer in headlights.

Just like...

♪ This is okay, right? ♪

♪ We're cool with it if you are ♪

We were all watching like,

"We don't know if we're cool with it."

And the whole thing was just

Dove patting themselves on the back,

like, "Can you believe how brave we are

for putting these fucking dump trucks on television?

Put me on the cross."

Their slogan was like,

"Don't bite the hand that overfeeds you."

Okay.

Hello?

Hi, Amy, you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac,

Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.

There she is! There's our girl.

Ames, what's shaking?

What'd you get into last night, girl?

Nothing much. Just hanging out.

You kill me!

- You kill me! - What's up, guys?

We know you've been looking to make the transition

to doing more off-camera work.

I never said that.

They want you for the next big animated kids' movie.

It's like "Charlie's Angels" but with meerkats!

Jessica Alba and Megan Fox have already signed

to play the other two.

- Uh, I'm in. I'm... Yeah. - Awesome!

We'll download you on the deets

as soon as we circle back with Tad... Allen out.

- Do what with what? - Hanging up.

Hello?

Bing!

Welcome, Amy.

Are you thirsty? Are you hungry?

Did you find your snacks okay?

No, I brought this tea.

Oh, okay. Well, the snacks are here for when you need them.

- Okay? There's snacks. - Okay.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Hey, did Meg and Jess already do their stuff?

All right, let's just roll it.

Page one, scene one.

You'll hear a beep, you'll say your lines.

Okay, cool.

I'm pretty and nice.

I'm sexy, but I love math.

Karate!

Okay, t-that was your cue.

Uh, we'll take it again.

Just, when you hear the beep, just say the lines.

That one's me?

Yep, that's you.

Um, why doesn't my meerkat have any pants?

Our animation team is out of Japan,

and they don't have anybody as big as

Dumpy the Frumpy Meerkat over there,

so they literally couldn't figure out

how to make pants fit on you.

They couldn't even, you know, fathom it.

But it's a cartoon. They can't...

Why couldn't they just draw pants?

It blew their minds. They had no idea.

They didn't see the point.

Worms.

Okay, we really need you to drop it down a bunch.

Like a whole bunch.

It's got to be more like "Wo-o-o-rms!"

You know, like you really love worms and you're disgusting?

Tell you what, why don't we just have you

do some wild feeding noises?

Can you find your snacks?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Okay, just give me one where you eat for a little bit

and then you stop to shit

and then go back to eating again.

Paging Ms. Streep!

I mean, you are a star. You're killing this.

She is killing this, right?

No, no, no, I think we need to get me out of this.

Schumes, what are we talking about here, okay?

You are crushing this.

My character has a pussy.

Have you eaten any snacks?

Yes, I have my snacks.

I'm sensing you're not totally jazzed,

but I think I have something that's gonna change your tune.

Amy, meet...

your action figure.

- It's shitting. - Yeah.

The thing retails for $42.99. You get 60% of the back end.

Wo-o-o-o-rms!

What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

Well, movie, "Little Mermaid."

What character did you most connect to

in "Little Mermaid"?

Oh, Ariel.

I connect most to Ursula,

but that's something that I'm working on

with my therapist on the Upper West Side.

Hey, girls.

Janice, is that really you?

Uh-huh.

Wow, you look amazing.

You must have had 75 different expensive surgeries

over the course of many years to get a great look like that.

Nope. I just called Dr. Ron and Cut 2 The Chase.

Aren't you tired of plastic surgeons

who tell you to slow down or think about what you're doing,

forcing you to undergo one surgery after another

till you get the look you want?

Who has the time or money for that?

At Cut 2 The Chase, we do it all

in just one affordable, apocalyptic procedure.

Would you like to look like a human-cat hybrid

who eats bees?

Of course you would.

You have crippling body dysmorphia,

and no one can talk sense into you.

I used to hate people knowing

if I was happy or sad.

Now my face and labia look the same.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

My college-aged daughter is really cute,

and that was threatening to me.

But now my face is the one threatening her

and all children.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

When I was a human, I hated it.

Now I poop in sand.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

With my patented Hail Mary technique,

I can perform five divorces worth of surgery

in one easy procedure.

Hmm.

Don't you owe it to yourself

to look like you fell into a tank of chemicals

while fighting Batman?

Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get your first and last procedure.

Cut 2 The Chase.

Because you're fucking shattered.

Who has good plastic surgery?

Lindsay Lohan. Like, has she had plastic surgery?

- I don't know. - 'Cause she looks amazing.

I'll always support LiLo, but like...

I can't believe you guys call her LiLo.

Like, I didn't even know that that was the thing.

Yeah, we were actually just talking about this today.

We think she's making a comeback.

- Really? - Yeah.

Like, in what?

What celebrity do you know with plastic surgery

that you're like, "Oh, that worked out"?

Well, what celebrity probably doesn't have plastic surgery?

- That's a good question. - Do you have plastic surgery?

I don't have any money. Are you serious?

I can't even get things removed.

- Well, it's hard. - Yeah.

That's why they call it charity work.

Because it's work.

It's work. It's exhausting.

Good evening, ladies. How are you doing tonight?

- Really awesome. - So good.

My name is Devon. I'll be taking care of you.

Start you off with anything to drink?

Uh, water's fine.

- Water's perfect. - Great.

So we have a few specials in addition to the menu...

Listen, before the specials,

I have to tell you I'm allergic to nuts.

My meal cannot have any nuts in it.

She's insanely allergic to nuts.

Got it. No nuts. Not a problem.

We accommodate allergies all the time. I'll tell the chef.

No, I'm serious.

It can't have even been around nuts.

Cashews, pecans...

Pine nuts, peanuts.

Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.

Almonds. Lalmonds. Dalmonds.

I understand. So our specials are...

Oh, actually, some of the bread might have some nuts in them.

Oh, my God! Are you serious?

I can't believe this is happening!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- What is this? - Oh, my God, it's a nut!

It's a little nut!

What did we just say, Devon? Is this fucking "Memento"?

Are you an F-ing goldfish, Devon?

Are we in your fish bowl?!

Oh, look, a little, plastic treasure chest!

Fuck you, Devon!

Do you know what would happen to me if I ate that?

Do you?! Her face will swell up! She will turn purple!

She will lose oxygen!

- Have you seen "Gravity"? - I did.

Was that your favorite part,

where they lost fucking oxygen, Devon?!

When I die, it'll be your fault!

You'll have to go to my mother's door

with a folded American flag

and say, "Thank you for her service.

I'm Devon, your daughter's killer"!

Look, I'm really sorry about the bread.

I swear, I will make sure that your meal is nut-free.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, so our specials tonight...

- I think I know what I want. - Oh, yeah, me too.

- What do I want? - What do I want?

I'll have...

I'll have the nut... Oh! No.

Oh, the arugula salad.

I'll have the arugula salad.

Are there nuts in that?

No.

But I will triple-check.

- Nice job, Devon. - Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Aw, he's sweet.

Two arugula salads.

Are there any nuts in those?

- Nope. - Great.

No!

- No! - What did we say?!

We said it!

What did we say?!

Everything all right here?

No!

No!

Now, as we all know, gravity goes down, yes?

But if we all focus,

sometimes gravity can make things go up.

Now, does anyone have a gum wrapper I could borrow?

Oh, I do.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

He is so hot.

Yeah, I'm not mad at that eyeliner either.

As we all can see, this gum wrapper is a rectangle, yes?

Now, if I fold it one more time,

we see it turns into a square.

Now, here's the weird part.

If I were to unwrap this,

the wrapper is right back to how it was.

Oh, my God.

Are these even tricks?

I'd like to use a lovely assistant.

Does anybody...

- Would anybody here? - Shut up!

Already have the "lovely" part taken care of.

No.

- Won't be too hard. - Yeah.

No, I-I'd love to be your assistant.

Okay, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to tell me when to stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Okay.

Now tap this one time.

Okay, this is a story about a queen...

Aw.

Who dated a bunch of a-holes...

It really is your story.

Who didn't do jack for her, okay?

Until one day,

she found a guy who was too...

eight of clubs... give me that back...

who was "2" good to be true.

She finally found her king.

Does anybody have a pretzel?

Oh, wait. Here's one.

In your nose.

Oh, wow.

Does anyone have a balloon?

I can't believe this.

I never thought this would happen, but...

What?

I'm gonna fuck a magician.

What? How'd you do that?

I'm afraid that's Victoria's secret.

Ew.

Put this on.

Some people say, "No glove, no love."

However, quantum mechanics dictates...

Okay, can you just put it on, please?

Amy, you make me feel like an animal.

- Okay. That's... All right. - It's its penis.

Enough, please. Just, can you...

Do you have an unlit match and a Canadian coin?

No, can you just stop with the magic?

Like, we're naked, we're in my bed.

Like, you did it.

I actually can't do it tonight.

Why?

'Cause there's something blocking my way.

What?

Uh!

- Oh, my God! - I don't know...

Oh, my... Ew, ew, ew.

All right, enough. No more magic.

Your wish is my command.

That's still like a magic saying.

Oh.

Man, you're pregnant!

What?

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God. I can feel it kicking!

Ew! Josh, this is cra...

Josh?

Magic.

♪ He's a man of magic ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo ♪

Would you hook up with a magician?

No.

Have you ever seen a good magician?

- Yes. - What did they do?

Um, well, they made my mother disappear, so it was kind of...

That sounds amazing.

Wait, is this like a sad story about Shanghai?

- No, no, it's not. - Oh, okay.

So, gentlemen, you are comedians for over 20 years now

and you are my good friends.

And you're also the most morally bankrupt

human beings on the planet, right?

- Yeah. - Absolutely.

- Yeah, that's true. - Let's talk about it.

Oh, one second... Over 40 years, one of us.

Oh, right. Are you Moms Mabley?

Keith, hit on me.

Like, if I met you, what would you...

What would you do if we were just like at a bar?

- What's up, sweetie? You good? - Yeah, I'm good.

No, he's talking to me, Florentine.

Talking to her!

Okay, I don't know you.

Yeah, there we go. How you doing?

- I'm fine. - You fine?

That's what I'm talking about.

- I'm gonna call the police. - You ever date a black man?

I actually felt scared.

He's very uncouth, too.

I remember Marina Franklin, a friend of ours,

one time he was just saying stupid things

about where he would take her,

to Subway or Burger King for dinner...

When they were dating, right?

Yeah, and then they'd have to be in the car

and not even getting a hotel.

And she just said, "Who raised you?"

I thought it was the greatest thing ever.

"Who raised you?"

Well, I'm assuming just your mom.

No, well... Oh, you...

Oh, wait. This might be Rachel.

We're just talking about what dirtbags these guys are.

- Oh, they really are worthless. - They're really pieces of shit.

In order, who would be the biggest piece of crap? In order.

I think you would be most traumatized by fucking Norton.

- Oh, absolutely. - Right?

Probably.

But I wouldn't hit on you because you're, like, a comic.

I would never get you drunk and try to fuck you.

But if we did have sex, you'd regret it.

Have you guys gotten a good amount of pussy

from being a comic?

- What? - What?

It's the only reason I get it.

Why do you think we do this?

You think we love the "art of comedy"?

Then why do we do it?

Amy, we've been asking the same question.

What would you rather do... kiss, have sex, or blow?

With Keith.

How about "D," sit on his face and read my tweets?

I'll take that.

Even when Keith talks about sex, it's just stupid.

He's always going, "I got three pumps for ya."

I can make her do what she needs to do in three pumps.

That's all I'm saying.

Fall asleep? Like, literally drool on herself?

Blow the whistle?

What do you think we're like in bed?

- Like, what do you think? - I think you both stink in bed.

Who would put out first out of these two?

Amy!

How dare you?

I guarantee Rachel tries to give meaningful looks during sex.

Ew! That's disgusting.

She does this... "Look at me, look at me.

Oh. Bobby?"

Jim has several lines that he says works on any girl.

I would play some crummy gig in the middle of Pennsylvania.

White-trash girl. I'd go, "Hey, come out to my car."

We'd sit in the car.

I would just go, "Look, do you mind if I masturbate

while we kiss?"

I'd go, "I got a long ride home. You don't have to touch it."

Nine out of ten times, within one minute,

they had their hand or their mouth on it.

What woman gets jealous when they see a guy masturbating?

It's not like we're like, "Wait, there can be dick?"

That's not like an exciting prospect.

We all know the dick is available.

We know there will be dick.

The psychology behind it is that you... Like, we like vagina.

If you took your boob out or your vagina,

we'd be like, "Oh, my God, we love that."

- Thank you, thank you. - You're welcome.

If you see a penis, you like that, too.

You're wrong. You're wrong.

When you see a penis, you don't go,

"Wow, I want to put it in my mouth?"

- No. - No.

Really?

That's why a dick pic is not exciting to a woman.

- No woman wants a dick pic. - That's wrong.

No, they're lying to you.

No. No.

No, the women he's talking about have penises too.

So they're actually exchanging dick pics.

- They're comparing. - Oh, if only I could deny it.

I'm trying to date guys that are not comedians,

which is so hard.

I was hooking up with this guy the other day...

Well, is it hooking up if you're just pushing their head down

like you're trying to set off dynamite?

But...

"Git!" Uh...

So I was out with this civilian and...

And he was like talking to me like I was a girl.

But he was trying to use a line on me.

He's like, "Damn, girl, those eyes."

And I was like, "No."

He's like, "What?" I'm like, "Eh."

Like, I'm 32.

If my eyes were a thing,

I would have heard about it by now, you know?

And I'm like, "What are you going for?

Like, I'm gonna fuck you. You showed up.

That was half the battle."

This is a magical story...

You all know that age-old story of the...

Just relax.

Okay?

In your nose.

In your nose.

But maybe it's not.

Should we just cut this scene?

Yes.

That's right! Go low!

Turn it! Turn around on it!

Turn around like it's a merry-go-round.

It's your little slutty merry-go-round.

And you're a bad girl! All of you, bad!

Yeah, that's right.

That pole is the pony you never got. Go!