Original subtitles

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Roars ]

-[ Screams ]

♪♪

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Good morrow,

my loyal subjects!

What news have you brought

to your king?

-Sound off, Jaguar Warriors!

-Oh! Oh!

Our mom let us watch

a PG-13 movie.

Uh-huh. And we only covered

our eyes once!

Very good, very good.

Now, Eagle Warriors!

Let me hear your battle mottos.

Like the crested caracara,

I am beautiful and majestic,

but if crossed, I will not

hesitate to claw

the eyes from my enemies!

And I have sharpened

my toe nails into talons.

Actually, they were

already like that.

Weird, but acceptable! Now!

For my first decree

as King, I will --

Get Victor some ice cream.

'Cause you're dressed

like that crazy guy

that sells ice cream

in the parking lot.

We are not here to sell

frozen confections, Victor.

It's called "LARPing."

I'm the Aztec king, Valtezuma.

And this is my kingdom.

Wait, King? Kingdom?

-I want that.

-Ah, ha, ha.

There can only be one king.

Fine, I'll be the Queen, then.

You can't be any!

The LARPing handbook says

there can only be one.

Besides, you lack what us

Kings call the three S's.

Stoic, stern, serious.

You're too immature to be king.

But if you really want to LARP

with us, you can be,

mm, the Payaso Knight.

-A knight, huh?

What's my weapon? Oh!

What about a laser gun that also

shoots swords and spears?

And bees?

Come on, Val! Bees.

Uh...no. You get this.

Payaso's weapon is to make other

knights laugh to boost morale.

-You know, kind of like a --

-Jester!

-Oh, or a fool!

-Yeah.

Tell us a joke, fool!

[ Laughter ]

I have never laughed before.

Make my first time special.

Ahh!

I ain't nobody's fool!

Have fun flarping,

you flarpy flarps!

Suit yourself, Vic.

Suit yourself.

Ugh.

Who does Val think he is?

Three S's?

More like stinky, snooty,

and stinkier!

I can totally be more of

an awesome king than him.

Huh?

Cool. It's like a crown thing.

♪♪

Hey, it fits!

♪♪

What's happening?

[ Teeth chattering ]

-Ah.

-Yeah.

Ee.

[ Groans ]

[ Roars ]

Uh, ah.

I always knew those creepy

statues were watching me!

I didn't touch anything,

I swear!

Don't tell Grandma!

[ Groaning, sighs ]

Why'd they stop?

Wha...ah, ah.

So when I wear this crown,

it brings you guys to life?

Hey, that means I'm your king!

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Nice!

♪ Val's gonna be jealous ♪

♪ Val's gonna be jealous ♪

Okay, I'm the king, so you gotta

do what I say, right?

[ Groans ]

Then go get me a cape,

a scepter, and a concha!

[ Grunting ]

[ Laughing ]

Woman: Is somewhere there?

♪♪

Mmm!

Knights of Calavera!

It's time to claim our kingdom!

Attention Flarpers!

Your new king is here.

Please worship me

and bring me free stuff.

Your new king is better

than that other king.

♪♪

Ahh, that's nice.

Hector, grapes, please.

[ Slurps ]

[ Spits ] Seeds!

Just as I asked.

Now I can spit them

in the faces of my enemies.

Vic! What's going on here?

Are those Grandma's

creepy statues?

I'm the king.

And these creepy statues

are my creepy kingdom.

Say hello to Flat Top.

Big Mama and Sweetie Poo.

Stinky, Pinky, and Sheldon.

The Head!

And finally,

my main man Hector.

He's so humble.

And now, the moment

you've all been waiting for!

A serious display

of my kingliness!

[ Trumpet plays ]

[ Growling ]

-Huh?

-Ladies and germs!

May I present to you

the 21 Glute Salute!

[ Farting ]

That was only eight.

[ Laughter ]

That lingers, man,

that lingers!

Victor!

This is a complete mockery!

The LARPing handbook

eloquently states --

[ Spits ]

[ Laughs ]

It states

that there can only be one --

[ Spits ]

There can only be one king,

and if someone el--

[ Spits ]

Knock it off!

Fine, okay, okay.

-[ Spits ]

-Oh! [ Laughs ]

Good one, Hector.

That is it!

I must royally decree

that you hand over your crown!

What if I don't give you

my crown

and royally degree

that you go eat some dirt?

If you don't abdicate

the throne,

then you are in open rebellion

of my kingdom

and we must wage battle!

Then I guess you give me

no choice.

[ Grunts ]

[ Indistinct sounds ]

Huh?

-[ Grunts ]

-Aah!

Feel the fury

of the Eagle Warrior!

Huh?

Aah!

Ah.

Whoa.

-Aah, germs!

-Can I have some germs?

My warriors!

This isn't fun anymore, Val!

You're a bad king!

Bad king?

Vic, you're gonna stop

all this right now!

I don't take orders

from lowly pheasants.

Now bend the knee!

First of all, it's peasants!

-And never!

-Very well.

Warriors, send this traitor

to the stocks.

Hey!

Vic, you're making

a mockery of the crown!

Just because you don't

like my style

doesn't mean I'm not

super good at being king.

Big Mama, pie the fool.

Aah. That's it! I'm done!

Hey, why wasn't that locked?

-Mm.

-You don't deserve this.

What? My crown!

You jerk! Give that back!

I'm the king,

and I order you to --

Being king is serious,

Victor!

Gimme!

-[ Grunting ]

-[ Grunting ]

Great job, dingus.

Now no one is king.

You were never a king

to begin with.

If you would've just let me be

the queen,

this woulda never happened!

-[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Listen to me, Victor.

You're not listening!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Huh? What?

Hey, your king demands

you to come back here!

Oh, you again.

[ Grunting ]

-Whoa!

-[ Grunts ]

That's not funny.

Personally,

I found the experience

poignant and moving.

Nobody asked you, Guillermo.

I've had enough of this.

Where's that stinking crown?

-Here's half of it.

-What?

All: Yoo-hoo!

Huh? Gimme that!

These dummies need to remember

who's in charge around here.

Loyal servants!

I order you to bend the knee!

[ Laughter ]

Why aren't they listening to me?

-Is it 'cause my crown broke?

-Maybe that.

And maybe it's because

you lack a certain,

uh, three characteristics

of a ruler?

All three of which start with

a specific sounding syllable?

Ay de mi! Aluxes!

Out, out! Get out!

You little pests!

And good riddance! Huh?

I know you two

had something to do --

Ay! I need a vacation.

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

Hector! Play time is over!

Your king is here.

Now surrender the crown and I

won't put you in the stocks!

I know

you're in here somewhere.

My crown.

♪♪

-Whew.

-Hey, Flat Top!

Get back here,

you little traitor!

Ha! Got you!

Huh? Uh-oh.

-[ Panting ]

-Hector!

Hector, don't you grind up

that crown, mister.

King Victor al rescate!

[ Panting ]

Ya, ah!

[ Laughs, farts ]

Hector!

Your betrayal hurts

more than you could know.

If you had any loyalty

left within you,

give me the crown

and all will be forgiven.

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ] Well, you're not gonna

blow me off that easy.

Aah!

Whoa! Hey, nice catch, Val.

Victor, again,

you are not king.

All this mess would have

never happened

if had just stuck

to being the clown.

No, Valentino, I'm the --

Wait, the clown!

Hector! You win.

You've bested me in battle.

And for that, I present to you

the honorary, major,

prestigious

Purple Glute Salute!

[ Farts ]

Huh?

[ Laughter ]

Huh?

Looks like the joke's on you.

Yeah!

All right! Pump it!

And shake it!

Get those glutes tight!

Are you done yet?

Heh, sorry, Val.

I'm just gonna miss these guys.

All right, loyal servants!

Everyone to their positions.

[ Mumbling indistinctly ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Farts, laughs ]

Oh, Hector.

An alux after my own heart.

-[ Grunts ]

-Huh?

Here, let me help you.

There you go, little fella.

It's been an honor serving

with you all.

I'm gonna remember each

and every one of you.

You know, Vic?

You really impressed me today.

I think you have the king's

three S's after all --

smart, sweet, and silly.

I'm sorry I acted like a jerk.

Thanks, Val.

That means a lot.

And while being king was fun,

I think I'm just gonna stick

to being a payaso for now.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪