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1
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:13,039
Hi, welcome to the show. This is
Alfie, my go-kart instructor.
2
00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:15,962
About a week ago I blessed him
with the gift of vision,
3
00:00:15,962 --> 00:00:17,281
lending him my eyes.
4
00:00:17,282 --> 00:00:19,641
Let's see how he got on.
What did you see, Alfie?
5
00:00:19,642 --> 00:00:22,521
Oh, I saw many wonderful things.
6
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:27,328
I saw pink clouds in the sky,
I saw a huge full moon,
7
00:00:27,642 --> 00:00:31,641
I saw some glorious things
by a fellow named Picasso.
8
00:00:31,642 --> 00:00:35,641
But, best of all, I saw you
shaving your balls in the mirror.
9
00:00:38,442 --> 00:00:42,241
Shave them smooth, boy,
shave those balls smooth.
10
00:00:49,362 --> 00:00:53,361
? Luxury comedy ?
11
00:00:55,442 --> 00:00:58,121
? La, la, la, la, la, la, la ?
12
00:00:58,122 --> 00:01:00,961
? People running round
And people making love ?
13
00:01:00,962 --> 00:01:03,721
? La, la, la, la, la, la, la ?
14
00:01:03,722 --> 00:01:07,721
? People in the night
And people are up above ?
15
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:11,801
? Ooh, yeah ?
16
00:01:12,562 --> 00:01:14,561
? Luxury comedy
Ooh, yeah. ?
17
00:01:14,562 --> 00:01:18,561
Put him in the back!
18
00:01:18,586 --> 00:01:23,786
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru
19
00:01:23,882 --> 00:01:25,081
Noel, Noel...
20
00:01:25,082 --> 00:01:26,561
Noel, Noel, Noel.
21
00:01:26,562 --> 00:01:29,321
Noel, Noel, Noel.
22
00:01:29,816 --> 00:01:31,135
Yes?
23
00:01:31,136 --> 00:01:32,695
Ah, my eye!
24
00:01:32,696 --> 00:01:33,935
What did you do that for?
25
00:01:33,936 --> 00:01:35,295
There was a dusty bird.
26
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:36,495
Right, what do you want?
27
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:37,775
We are out of Hoover bags,
28
00:01:37,776 --> 00:01:40,455
can Smooth acquire some
next time he is at the shops?
29
00:01:40,456 --> 00:01:42,175
Yeah, all right, I'll let him know.
30
00:01:42,176 --> 00:01:45,255
Noel, Noel, Noel,
we are out of Hoover bags,
31
00:01:45,256 --> 00:01:48,215
can you get Smooth to acquire some
next time he is at the shops?
32
00:01:48,216 --> 00:01:50,415
What's going on here?
There's two of you.
33
00:01:50,416 --> 00:01:54,375
You are mistaken,
there is only one Andy Warhol.
34
00:01:54,376 --> 00:01:56,855
You are mistaken,
there is only one Andy Warhol.
35
00:01:56,856 --> 00:01:59,895
I am the real Andy Warhol, yes, sir.
36
00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:01,855
That Andy Warhol is a forgery
37
00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:03,555
That Andy Warhol is a forgery.
38
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:04,955
Look, one of you is a forgery
39
00:02:04,956 --> 00:02:07,555
and one of you is the real
Andy Warhol, so which one?
40
00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:11,155
He is the forgery, he is clearly
the work of Bunkavan Spreckles,
41
00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:13,755
perhaps the greatest forger
in the history of art.
42
00:02:17,996 --> 00:02:20,115
Oh my God, I am a forgery!
43
00:02:20,116 --> 00:02:24,115
This changes everything,
not least of all my value.
44
00:02:26,436 --> 00:02:29,235
Why?
45
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:31,515
See, I told you he was a forgery.
46
00:02:31,516 --> 00:02:33,195
You say that, look at your hands.
47
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,955
Oh, my God, I am a forgery!
48
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:39,955
This changes everything,
not least of all my value.
49
00:02:49,556 --> 00:02:53,555
A lot of young kids come
knocking at my studio door and say,
50
00:02:53,556 --> 00:02:57,555
"Tony Reason, how could we become
a music producer like you?
51
00:02:57,596 --> 00:03:01,595
"Well, not you, Mark Ronson,
but we don't know where he lives."
52
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:13,355
Oh, look everyone, it's Joey Ramone,
loping down the road.
53
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:18,675
Where are you off to, Joey?
54
00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,755
CBGB's to do a gig.
55
00:03:20,756 --> 00:03:23,835
Perhaps you could squeeze me
onto the guest list?
56
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:27,835
What's that, Joey? Johnny's already
used up all the comps?
57
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,875
Oh, perhaps I'll go and see Stiv
Bators from the Dead Boys instead.
58
00:03:35,996 --> 00:03:39,995
Oh, look, Joey, here comes Grandma
with a fresh basket of oat cakes.
59
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,075
What's that, Joey?
60
00:03:44,076 --> 00:03:46,355
You've got a wheat allergy?
61
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,435
I can see that, Joey,
look at the size of your head.
62
00:03:49,436 --> 00:03:52,195
What will you do now?
63
00:03:52,196 --> 00:03:56,195
Oh, Joey, pieces of your exploded
head have gone all over Grandma.
64
00:03:57,516 --> 00:03:59,155
What's that, Grandma?
65
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:02,515
The shock of the bang
has given you an idea?
66
00:04:02,516 --> 00:04:06,275
Oh, dear, I'm not sure how
that old-fashioned gingerbread head
67
00:04:06,276 --> 00:04:09,875
will go down on
the grimy New York punk scene.
68
00:04:09,876 --> 00:04:13,875
Still, better than no head at all,
isn't that right, Joey?
69
00:04:14,596 --> 00:04:17,315
Better than no head at all.
70
00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:19,595
It's a funny old world.
71
00:04:19,596 --> 00:04:23,595
Looks like rain.
72
00:04:24,156 --> 00:04:26,795
Vanducci, that's what
I'm trying to tell you...
73
00:04:26,796 --> 00:04:29,555
the goose was living
in the actual cable car!
74
00:04:29,556 --> 00:04:31,795
Hooper, why don't people listen?
75
00:04:31,796 --> 00:04:34,035
A lot of young kids come up to me
and they say,
76
00:04:34,036 --> 00:04:36,915
"Hey, Diego Maradonna,
you've really let yourself go."
77
00:04:36,916 --> 00:04:38,595
Other kids come up to me and say,
78
00:04:38,596 --> 00:04:42,115
"Sergeant Raymond Boombox?" I have
no idea how they know my name.
79
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:43,595
"Sergeant Raymond Boombox,
80
00:04:43,596 --> 00:04:46,035
"how can we get to become
a New York cop like you?
81
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,075
"How do we get access to a firearm?
82
00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:50,875
"I need a gun bad, you've got
to help me, yellow man!"
83
00:04:50,876 --> 00:04:54,155
And right off the bat, I would say
to them what I'd say to you,
84
00:04:54,156 --> 00:04:55,755
"You go get a perm."
85
00:04:55,756 --> 00:04:57,915
Sounds crazy, "You go get a perm"
86
00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:00,875
that's the first thing
you need to know and here's why.
87
00:05:00,876 --> 00:05:04,035
In 1979,
I was fresh out of rookie college
88
00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:08,035
and, yeah, I had the long, straight
black curly hair like Black Sabbath.
89
00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:10,635
I thought I was the king
of the Hooha Men.
90
00:05:16,556 --> 00:05:18,315
To cut a long story short,
91
00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:21,195
I was about to get my hands
on a very famous serial killer,
92
00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:24,435
the Brooklyn Ice Box Throttler.
93
00:05:24,436 --> 00:05:27,115
A maniac who would leap
out of people's freezers
94
00:05:27,116 --> 00:05:29,555
and strangle them in their own homes
95
00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:31,355
and then put jam on their telephones
96
00:05:31,356 --> 00:05:33,995
and listen to their radios
whilst fingering himself
97
00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:35,315
in their dressing gowns.
98
00:05:35,316 --> 00:05:38,235
Anyway, we had him cornered
in a freezer in Queens.
99
00:05:53,156 --> 00:05:56,555
Anyway, he jumped out of the freezer
and we would've nailed that punk
100
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,595
if Hooper hadn't
taken it upon himself
101
00:05:58,596 --> 00:06:00,235
to slam the fridge door shut,
102
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,235
trapping my lustrous hair
as he did so.
103
00:06:03,236 --> 00:06:04,355
Argh!
104
00:06:04,356 --> 00:06:07,275
Hooper, what the hell's
got into you? He's getting away!
105
00:06:07,276 --> 00:06:11,275
The popsicles were melting. When I
leave the fridge door open at home,
106
00:06:11,276 --> 00:06:13,675
we never hear the end of it.
Mrs Hooper goes crazy.
107
00:06:13,676 --> 00:06:16,115
I couldn't stand and watch
melting popsicles,
108
00:06:16,116 --> 00:06:18,995
they were dripping everywhere,
I had to close the door.
109
00:06:18,996 --> 00:06:22,115
You idiot, Hooper! What flavour
were they? No, you come back here!
110
00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:25,475
I could do nothing except watch that
serial killer skip away to freedom
111
00:06:25,476 --> 00:06:28,595
and for a New York cop, with the
worst case of piles in Europe,
112
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:32,315
that has to be
a bad afternoon's work.
113
00:06:32,316 --> 00:06:33,915
Finally, nothing can stop me
114
00:06:33,916 --> 00:06:35,955
becoming President
of The United States.
115
00:06:35,956 --> 00:06:37,275
You come back here!
116
00:06:39,356 --> 00:06:41,275
No... No!
117
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:44,995
I will get you my friend, maybe not
now but in like two hours' time.
118
00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:47,555
After we've stopped off
to get some crepes.
119
00:06:47,556 --> 00:06:50,435
We're right near the place,
we love that place, me and Hooper.
120
00:06:50,436 --> 00:06:53,835
I'm ashamed to say that watching
the Vice-President strangled
121
00:06:53,836 --> 00:06:56,995
gave me an erection, an erection
that came from the vision
122
00:06:56,996 --> 00:07:00,595
of an honourable man being destroyed
in his own front room.
123
00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:03,475
What's wrong with me?!
I'm a sick pervert!
124
00:07:03,476 --> 00:07:06,155
Hooper, it used to be nuns
and schoolgirls,
125
00:07:06,156 --> 00:07:09,555
now it's honourable men being
destroyed in their own homes!
126
00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:12,395
And that's why New York cops
should get perms.
127
00:07:12,396 --> 00:07:16,235
If you think you have what it takes
to get a perm, call this number.
128
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:19,715
02, 34, 97.
129
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:22,955
What the hell are you doing you
nincompoop, that's my home number?
130
00:07:22,956 --> 00:07:26,035
Hooper, you switch
the camera off. Hooper!
131
00:07:26,036 --> 00:07:28,555
Hooper, are you in a trance?
132
00:07:28,556 --> 00:07:31,315
No, my hair's trapped
under the seat. I can't move.
133
00:07:31,316 --> 00:07:33,035
I told you to get a perm, Hooper.
134
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:36,475
That's what the whole goddamn piece
is about... perms in the force!
135
00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:37,755
What's wrong with you?
136
00:07:37,756 --> 00:07:41,355
Join the force but get a perm,
don't be like Hooper, he's an idiot.
137
00:07:41,356 --> 00:07:45,235
Phone the number, not that number,
that's my own goddamn number.
138
00:07:45,236 --> 00:07:49,235
Hooper got his hair caught!
Hooper got his hair caught!
139
00:07:50,916 --> 00:07:53,595
Hooper shaved his pubes off!
140
00:07:53,596 --> 00:07:56,395
Hooper loves his mummy!
141
00:07:56,396 --> 00:07:58,235
You shut up, you imbecile.
142
00:07:58,236 --> 00:08:01,715
Hooper, you have that edited
together for first thing tomorrow,
143
00:08:01,716 --> 00:08:03,995
I got to go,
it's my wife's bowling night.
144
00:08:03,996 --> 00:08:05,235
I mean I could edit that
145
00:08:05,236 --> 00:08:07,715
but the programme I use to edit
is in my brother's car.
146
00:08:07,716 --> 00:08:10,515
I could do it at the weekend.
When does this have to be in?
147
00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:13,075
I was going to take the kids
camping out on the lakes.
148
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,115
It's beautiful,
the fishing's divine.
149
00:08:15,116 --> 00:08:18,115
My wife caught a barracuda one time,
imagine that... barracuda!
150
00:08:18,116 --> 00:08:21,035
First time she ever held a rod,
she catches a 300lb monster.
151
00:08:21,036 --> 00:08:23,715
Doesn't surprise me,
that's the kind of woman she is.
152
00:08:23,716 --> 00:08:26,675
I mean, I knew the first day
I met her, we danced and we kissed.
153
00:08:26,676 --> 00:08:29,715
I said, "I'm going to spend the rest
of my life with this woman."
154
00:08:29,716 --> 00:08:31,795
Dave said, "You always say that!"
155
00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:34,435
I said, "I got a feeling,
we're going to get married."
156
00:08:34,436 --> 00:08:36,195
Dave said, "What weekend is that?"
157
00:08:36,196 --> 00:08:38,915
I said, "What do you mean
what weekend? We just met!
158
00:08:38,916 --> 00:08:40,595
"I just got a feeling that's all."
159
00:08:40,596 --> 00:08:42,595
Dave says,
"As long it's not April 4th,
160
00:08:42,596 --> 00:08:44,955
"because that's
my wife's sister's birthday.
161
00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:48,955
"I don't want to go but I have to
go, you know, family, blah, blah."
162
00:08:55,436 --> 00:08:59,435
All bleeding coming together, innit,
all bleeding coming together.
163
00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:02,115
Worked it out, haven't I?
This ain't it.
164
00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:04,635
I'm in quarantine, aren't I,
bleeding quarantine.
165
00:09:04,636 --> 00:09:08,635
Just got to keep my head down, wait
for my transfer to me bigger digs.
166
00:09:08,636 --> 00:09:11,755
Imagine that, it'll be huge,
there'll be female lions.
167
00:09:11,756 --> 00:09:15,395
I'll get my own company car,
be able to go and come as I please.
168
00:09:15,396 --> 00:09:17,515
All bleeding coming together.
169
00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:21,235
Probably be real cigarettes,
won't have to do this as much.
170
00:09:21,236 --> 00:09:25,235
Yeah, all bleeding coming together.
171
00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:27,795
Who are you?
172
00:09:27,796 --> 00:09:31,475
I am Allen Key, quite literally
the key to your freedom.
173
00:09:31,476 --> 00:09:33,555
Wait a minute, I know who you are,
174
00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:37,075
you're that famous artist geezer
aren't you, you're Jeff Koons.
175
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:41,075
I am most certainly not Jeff Koons,
I am the world famous Andy Warhol.
176
00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:43,995
I bleeding love Jeff Koons' stuff.
177
00:09:43,996 --> 00:09:46,155
He is OK,
but he is not in my league.
178
00:09:46,156 --> 00:09:49,515
What, really? His balloon animal
sculptures? They were blinding.
179
00:09:49,516 --> 00:09:50,995
They were overrated.
180
00:09:50,996 --> 00:09:53,995
I think history's going
to be very kind to Jeff Koons.
181
00:09:53,996 --> 00:09:55,275
Shut up about Jeff Koons!
182
00:09:55,276 --> 00:09:58,595
All right, keep your silver wig on,
what do you want anyway, pal?
183
00:09:58,596 --> 00:10:02,355
Listen, I am Allen Key and
I am here to help you, Dondylion.
184
00:10:02,356 --> 00:10:05,955
Help me? Don't need any help, do I?
All bleeding coming together.
185
00:10:05,956 --> 00:10:08,115
It is far from
coming together, Dondylion,
186
00:10:08,116 --> 00:10:11,515
it is about as far from coming
together as is humanly possible.
187
00:10:11,516 --> 00:10:13,355
Do you want
to know what happens?
188
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:16,155
In July, you suffer
from severe weight loss.
189
00:10:16,156 --> 00:10:18,755
Well, I do go up and down
with me weight, I'm like Oprah.
190
00:10:18,756 --> 00:10:21,755
In September, you die
from a rare form of lion AIDS.
191
00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:25,115
In December, you are buried out
the back by a simpleton.
192
00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:26,715
There is no funeral.
193
00:10:26,716 --> 00:10:30,235
You have to choose Dondylion,
between lion AIDS and freedom,
194
00:10:30,236 --> 00:10:33,515
lion AIDS and freedom.
195
00:10:33,516 --> 00:10:36,715
I don't want lion AIDS, do I?
Who wants bleeding lion AIDS?
196
00:10:36,716 --> 00:10:37,835
Choose freedom.
197
00:10:37,836 --> 00:10:39,795
I will, what do I have to do,
fill in a form?
198
00:10:39,796 --> 00:10:42,275
No, put me in the lock
and twist me, Dondylion.
199
00:10:42,276 --> 00:10:46,275
Want me to twist you up,
you silver bitch.
200
00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:51,315
This is more like it.
201
00:10:51,316 --> 00:10:55,315
Climb over the wall to freedom.
202
00:11:04,636 --> 00:11:08,275
Dave, you got here quick,
got here before me.
203
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:12,275
Are you ready for freedom?
204
00:11:13,956 --> 00:11:16,795
We've made it, Dave,
we've bleeding made it!
205
00:11:16,796 --> 00:11:20,795
Look at freedom. Look at it, Dave!
Look at the trees, look at the sky,
206
00:11:21,396 --> 00:11:24,155
look at the tiny ants
on the pavement.
207
00:11:24,156 --> 00:11:27,435
All bleeding came together.
208
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:31,435
Let's go and get ourselves
a healthy dose of freedom.
209
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,315
Oops.
210
00:11:35,316 --> 00:11:37,515
It's all...
211
00:11:37,516 --> 00:11:39,555
bleeding...
212
00:11:39,556 --> 00:11:41,835
coming...
213
00:11:41,836 --> 00:11:43,935
together.
214
00:11:59,116 --> 00:12:01,635
That's that album complete.
215
00:12:01,636 --> 00:12:04,715
File that will you next to the
tapirs who went blind in the '70s.
216
00:12:04,716 --> 00:12:05,915
OK.
217
00:12:05,916 --> 00:12:09,155
One more thing, I couldn't help
noticing you played a key in that.
218
00:12:09,156 --> 00:12:09,915
Yes.
219
00:12:09,916 --> 00:12:11,275
How did you get that gig?
220
00:12:11,276 --> 00:12:13,395
I fingered the casting director.
221
00:12:13,396 --> 00:12:16,475
Martin?! He's about 60!
222
00:12:16,476 --> 00:12:18,795
In this business,
you've got to do what it takes.
223
00:12:18,796 --> 00:12:20,875
As long as it doesn't affect
your cleaning work.
224
00:12:20,876 --> 00:12:24,875
Fuck you, I'm a star.
225
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,479
He came from the suburbs
with a huge feline head
226
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,919
and a searching
red arrow for a penis.
227
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,199
Nobody is safe from...
228
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,679
The Tiger With Chlamydia.
229
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,239
Dum, dum, dum!
230
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,799
Priests...
231
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:46,719
Oh, please!
232
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:47,479
Horses...
233
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,959
Neigh!
234
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,279
School children.
235
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:51,599
Blimey! Leave it out.
236
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,599
No, thank you, sir, I already
have it, come along children.
237
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,319
Unbelievable!
238
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,559
Even Snake Plissken from Escape
From New York seen here
239
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,599
enjoying a frappuccino.
240
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,599
You can run but you can't hide
from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
241
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,799
Dum, dum, dum!
242
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,719
If you see the tiger,
contact this number immediately.
243
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,839
If you haven't already
got the disease
244
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,839
waste no time in sending off for
your own personal chlamydia helmet,
245
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,319
the only way to protect yourself
from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
246
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,639
Dum, dum, dum!
247
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,639
? Me and my flamingo... ?
248
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,879
? We're off to Tesco Metro ?
249
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,439
? Me and my flamingo... ?
250
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,919
? Rolling up and down the road ?
251
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,439
? But we've had a little fight ?
252
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,159
? And now we're walking
in single file ?
253
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,399
? Single file ?
254
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:57,159
? Oh-oh, single file ?
255
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,799
? Oh-oh... ?
256
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,799
? Me and my flamingo ?
257
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:08,199
? Have made the pepper all go ?
258
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,279
? Me and my flamingo ?
259
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:16,599
? We're off to Tesco Metro ?
260
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,359
? But it's flared up again ?
261
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,999
? And now you're putting
on one of your shows ?
262
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,519
? Crying from my eyes ?
263
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,719
? Crying from my hundred eyes ?
264
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,799
? Crying from my eyes ?
265
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:32,799
? Crying from my hundred... ?
266
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,239
OK, great, I think we can probably
use that in its entirety.
267
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,999
You guys pop out for lunch.
I'll give Dave Rowntree a text
268
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,999
and see if he wants to come in
and beef up the drums.
269
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,639
I understand you do
your own percussion.
270
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,879
In many respects
you are your own percussion,
271
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,519
but I just think if the track
stays in that state
272
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,199
we won't get any radio airplay.
273
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,759
No, Kenny Loggins
is a terrible example.
274
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,759
There's no call for that language.
275
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:05,759
Unbelievable,
bloody country and western singers.
276
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,919
Well, you completely lost control
of that situation.
277
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,919
It escalated, didn't it, quick,
spiralled out of control.
278
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,639
Oh great, here we go.
279
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,959
I just thought I'd swoop in
and see how my old mucker's doing.
280
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,239
Oh, really?
281
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,839
Which is not that well.
282
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,839
The thing is, all I was saying was,
Diamond Back laid down a track
283
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:32,559
I just wanted to put some drums in.
It's not a big deal, is it?
284
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,039
I mean he doesn't have
to get all diva-ish, does he?
285
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,719
Hasn't even have a song out yet.
286
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:37,839
Yeah.
287
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,879
He's not Lady Gaga, is he?
288
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,199
No, well, who is?
289
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,919
Lady Gaga.
290
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,919
Well, yeah. I mean, other than her.
291
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,719
The point is I just thought
it needed some extra drums
292
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,759
and I was just about to persuade him
when you came crashing in,
293
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,279
you big hammerhead.
294
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,839
All right, no need to call a brother
out on what he looks like.
295
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,159
I don't say how flat your face is,
which is very, by the way.
296
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,639
All I was going to do
was get Dave Rowntree in.
297
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,559
What? Don't get a ginger drummer.
298
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,079
Yeah, he looks like
a Scotch egg wearing glasses.
299
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,079
But the guy's a ballsy drummer.
He is a balls out drummer.
300
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,119
He pours sawdust down,
takes his pants off
301
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,119
and picks up his sticks
302
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,639
and he just beats the shit out
of that kit.
303
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,159
Do not get a ginger drummer.
304
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,639
He lives round the corner,
he's a solid drummer.
305
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:22,879
Do not get a ginger drummer.
306
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,039
He's a solid drummer.
307
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,159
They're bad news.
308
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:25,879
What do you mean?
309
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,919
They get very hot,
you can't use a red backdrop
310
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:28,639
otherwise they disappear.
311
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:29,599
That's true, actually.
312
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,079
It's just sticks and eyes.
313
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,799
I know where you're coming from.
314
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,879
I worked with Cream,
did their live album.
315
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,879
Ginger Baker used to get
so hot, after the gigs
316
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,279
Jack Bruce used to use him
as a desk lamp.
317
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,239
Well, he looks like a lava lamp
once he gets going, doesn't he?
318
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,359
They did used to take him
to parties,
319
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,119
turn him upside down.
320
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,159
I quite enjoyed that.
321
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:54,159
Really? I thought it was racist.
322
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:07,279
I came here in 1949
with my Spanish brothers.
323
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,039
In those days we were see-through
and our heads tapered into a point.
324
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,519
Can you understand why we're here?
It's because we need to be.
325
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,319
What's that supposed to mean?
326
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,839
It's my Australian accent.
327
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:33,639
Do it again.
328
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,039
Pass me the biro, mate.
329
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,239
Pass me the biro.
330
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,479
Look, mate, pass me the biro.
Boo, boo.
331
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,439
Pass me the biro, mate.
332
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,439
Pass me the biro.
333
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,359
Quick, mate! Pass me the biro.
334
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,879
Mate, pass me the biro.
335
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,759
Can't you see what's
happening, mate?
336
00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:00,159
Don't just stare at me, mate. Mate,
you're just looking through me!
337
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,399
Please, you got to help me!
338
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,719
Ow!
339
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,519
For God's sake,
I've got chlamydia.
340
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:07,999
Dum, dum, dum...
341
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:08,799
Calm down.
342
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,599
What do you mean, "calm down"?
343
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,599
I'll have to walk
around town now all week
344
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,879
in a chlamydia outfit.
345
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,319
Just get some antibiotics.
346
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,799
It's not fair. Why do I get
chlamydia and not you?
347
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,599
You should get a chlamydia helmet.
You not seen the adverts?
348
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,319
It's the only way
to protect yourself from...
349
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,759
The Tiger With Chlamydia.
350
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,599
Dum, dum, dum...
351
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,959
Pass me the biro, mate.
352
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,599
Mate, please, pass me the biro.
353
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,599
Mate, I've got chlamydia.
Pass me the biro.
354
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,479
You know who you should call?
355
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,679
Who?
356
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,759
Collins.
357
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,159
Oh, not the C-man.
358
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,679
That's right, Collins.
359
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,399
There's only one C-man drummer,
and that's Copeland.
360
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,399
I don't trust blonde bands,
there aren't any
361
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,359
that are any good.
362
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,079
There are some
good blonde musicians.
363
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,759
Yeah, individually,
but get three of them together
364
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,639
and you get that kind
of clusterfuck like The Police.
365
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,119
And, you know, it's just no good.
366
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,679
Sting is a close personal friend
of mine, I won't take that.
367
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,679
When did that motherfucker
become like some medieval minstrel?
368
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,559
He can't do a chat show without
whipping out a lute these days.
369
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,359
He's just broadening his range.
370
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,079
I don't like Sting,
371
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,679
I think he's a bad bass player.
372
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,679
You wanted to produce Regatta de
Blanc and Sting turned to me.
373
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,639
The guy can't do reggae,
let it go.
374
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,079
What do you mean,
the guy can't do reggae?
375
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,799
He built a career
on doing reggae!
376
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,639
White reggae is a powerful
piece of business.
377
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,799
When done by three white men
it sounds different.
378
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,119
Yeah, great,
when Bob Marley does it,
379
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,519
it sounds authentic,
380
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,959
but when you get three
white guys doing reggae
381
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,079
you can't beat that sound.
382
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,359
Yeah, well.
383
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,119
Anyway I've to go,
pick the kids up from school.
384
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,279
Do you mind picking up my lot?
385
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,119
No, no, it's fine.
Do you mind if I take your Jeep?
386
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,559
Sure, yeah, but fill it up this
time, do you know what I mean,
387
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,519
don't take the piss.
388
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,999
Unbelievable, so tight,
you and Collins.
389
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,399
Well, that thing...
390
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,439
Worth a fortune,
the pair of you.
391
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,199
Always counting every last penny.
392
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,479
Well, it takes about 110 a tank.
393
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,279
No-one asked you, did they,
to get a Jeep that size.
394
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,639
Well, I didn't know, did I?
395
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,119
It's like a battle station.
396
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,919
You feel very safe in it
though, don't you?
397
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,239
You do, actually.
398
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,239
And that's important, safety.
399
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,879
See you, then.
400
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,199
I mean, I quite like the hat,
but the outfit's ridiculous,
401
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:44,199
the gusset's nearly on the floor.
402
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,959
See, I'm always prepared, not like
you, you're reckless like a child.
403
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,119
Not only have I got this helmet,
this watch stops if you get lupus.
404
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,519
These clogs protect me
from typhoid.
405
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,519
Typhoid clogs?
406
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,839
That's why I'm more successful
than you, financially,
407
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,639
and with the ladies.
408
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,559
The ladies. You mean the Sheilas?
Pass me the biro, mate.
409
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,399
I hate you.
410
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:28,879
Oh, I've got shin splints!
411
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:35,519
You look like an idiot.
412
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,639
Oh, my God, look at the state
of your outfits,
413
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,039
you look absolutely ridiculous.
414
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,479
Yeah, don't go on about it,
I've got chlamyds
415
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,159
and he's got shin splints.
416
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,679
Just get a helmet
and some special rubber pants.
417
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:48,999
Have you not see the ad farts?
418
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:49,799
The what?
419
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,839
The ad farts.
420
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:51,759
Sorry, the what?
421
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,239
The ad farts.
422
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,399
The head farts?
423
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,879
Just get a special helmet,
why don't you?
424
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,119
Oh, my God, is this even a disease?
425
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,999
Oh, my God! It's not fair,
I haven't seen the ad fart.
426
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,079
Hello...
427
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,359
That is not a disease, ma'am,
that is a perm,
428
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,879
you've been recruited to
the New York Police Force.
429
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,879
You report to your local precinct,
6am for weapons training.
430
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,639
Oh, come on, I can't get up
that early,
431
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,439
besides I already have a job.
432
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,039
Really? What is it you do, ma'am?
433
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,079
I'm a slasher.
434
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:35,159
A what?
435
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,119
You know, a DJ, slash,
knit wear designer, slash, model,
436
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,919
plus I do pop-up stores where
I sell my own jewellery.
437
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,279
Ma'am, with all due respect
438
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,559
none of those things
are real jobs, OK, you tit.
439
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,479
You get out there and start
solving crimes, thank you.
440
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,599
Hooper! I recruited another one.
441
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,599
I mean, is that even legal, poking
people with your yellow arrow penis?
442
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,719
Hooper, you are so innocent, in this
job you do what you got to do.
443
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:05,239
What the hell is this?
444
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,279
That, my friend, is good
old-fashioned 1960s gonorrhoea.
445
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:16,639
Hooper, phone Mrs Boombox and tell
her to cancel our anniversary meal.
446
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,239
In fact, tell her I died
in the line of duty.
447
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,799
She cannot see me like this.
448
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,239
I saw you.
449
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:27,239
I see everything.
450
00:23:27,264 --> 00:23:32,564
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