Original subtitles

(gentle music)

- What do you mean I forgot something?

I didn't forget a darn thing.

Now look, I got steak, french fries,

cottage cheese, celery, seven TV dinners,

rice, uh, two tangerines, and a kumquat.

(audience laughter)

Uh oh. - What's the matter?

- I forgot the wine.

(bouncy music)

Well you don't have to get hopping mad about it.

- Hold it, hold it.

And kindly refrain from making jokes about my condition.

- Well you must be pretty upset,

you don't seem know if you're coming or going.

You can't get that mad about a bottle of wine.

- Tim that has nothing to do with it.

We martians are loyal friends.

When this happens it means someone close to us is in danger.

- Oh, well, whatever it is, it must have passed.

You've stopped popping in and out.

- On the contrary, the warning has ceased,

but the danger is close.

Very close.

(Lorelei singing)

(audience laughter)

- The only danger in here is my eardrums.

- Hello boys, welcome home.

(continues singing)

- Tim it's not you in danger, it's Lorelei.

(singing heightens) Lorelei don't!

(explosion)

(dramatic music)

(beeping)

(gentle music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughter)

- Oh, wh-wh-what happened?

I-I was just dusting and all of a sudden

this thing exploded!

- The Personality Altercator. - Oh.

- You must have dusted the 'on' button by mistake.

- Oh dear, I hope it didn't do any real damage.

Would it help if I dusted the 'off' button?

(both) No!

- No, no, no.

Look at me Lorelei, how do you feel?

- Well, sometimes when I'm on my feet all day ...

- No Mrs. Brown, what Uncle Martin means is

how do you feel right now?

- Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

How sweet of you to ask.

- Yes, well it's just that the machine

sometimes has a curious effect on people

and, uh, this time I ...

- Oh time, that reminds me, what time is it?

- Oh it's, um ...

- Oh my goodness, that late!

Oh, here, here, let me help you.

(mumbling)

- I've got to get down to the store myself

and pick up a few things, anything I can get you?

- Yes, yes, as a matter of fact there is.

We could use a little wine with our steak tonight.

Nothing too expensive though.

- I know a little shop where I can get

the best in the world for a song!

La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la. (audience laughter)

- Well, thank heavens the Personality Altercator

didn't changer her at all, she's still the same old Lorelei.

- Well don't be too sure about that.

- Hmm, well, we may not have the wine,

but while we're waiting for it,

at least we have something to read.

- Where did you get that?

- Right here, next to the Personality Altercator.

- Well that answered the question then.

'The Criminal Mind,' now completely absorbed by Lorelei.

- Do you mean that she's ...

Oh come on Uncle Martin,

don't make me laugh on an empty stomach.

Which reminds me, isn't this a good time for lunch?

We could, uh ...

(dramatic music)

My watch ... (audience laughter)

That's funny, I had it just a second ago, it's gone.

- Lorelei.

Like I said, the machine has changed her alright,

into becoming as crooked as they come.

(upbeat music)

- How's the antidote coming?

- Almost ready.

- Oh great.

We'll give her a dose the moment she walks in that door.

- No not ready to take Tim, ready to go to the freezer.

It won't be effective until tonight.

- Tonight?

Well that's terrible!

I mean, well, can't we explain to her

that she's not herself, make her promise to ...

Maybe we can just shake hands on it.

- Well after you shake hands with her, count your fingers.

(audience laughter)

Uh oh, she's back.

And in your own vernacular, she's loaded with loot.

- Loot?

You don't mean she's been shoplifting?

- From the vibrations I'm getting,

I'd say she tried to lift the entire shopping center.

(audience laughter)

(upbeat music)

- Did she steal all that stuff?

- Unfortunately, no.

Some of it she paid for, under duress.

- Well then, that's not so bad.

Perhaps we could ...

Hey what do you mean, "unfortunately,"

sound like you're sorry she didn't steal it all.

- Well, I only meant it would have been simpler for you.

- For me?

What do I have to do with it?

- You are going to have to separate

the chaff from the wheat.

- Huh? (audience laughter)

Pardon me, may I repeat my question?

Huh? (audience laughter)

- You are, of course, familiar with

the slang term, 'hot merchandise?'

- Well, sure, that's for stolen goods.

- Well it may surprise you to learn

that on Mars we employ the same idiom.

- Really?

Well that's a coincidence.

- Not at all.

There actually is a minuscule rise

in the temperature of stolen articles.

You see, a thief's emotions rise

in the commission of a crime.

These emotions expel heat which

is then transferred to the merchandise as he handles it.

- You're putting me on.

- On the contrary Tim, I was never more serious.

This is a martian thermal amplifier.

You touch the tip to any stolen article, push the button,

and the heat generated by the item

will be increased 1,000 fold.

Enough to be detectable to the touch.

- How 'bout that?

A lie-detector under glass.

(audience laughter)

- I'll keep Lorelei occupied while you

test the things there in the dining room.

Afterwards, we'll take them back

to the stores where she got them.

(chuckles)

(knock on door)

- [Martin] Lorelei?

- Oh just a minute.

Oh Martin, Tim, come on in.

Oh I've just been on the most marvelous shopping spree.

I picked up all sorts of things for practically nothing!

- Uh, mm-hmm.

Did you get the wine?

- Oh yes!

A Chateau Thierry 1922.

- Chateau Thierry 1922?

- I hope you like it.

- Well, it's rather expensive for our simple tastes.

- Oh, well, don't worry about it Martin, it was a steal!

- That's what I was afraid of. (audience laughter)

- Oops, stolen, that stays there.

That's alright, that goes over there.

Not stolen, that goes over there.

My watch! (audience laughter)

Let's see now, what's next?

Alright, I'll try that.

Ha ha, stolen, that stays there.

(audience laughter)

Boy, she must have stolen it right off the lady.

(audience laughter)

(knock on door)

- Lorelei, I bring good news ...

Uh, I see the bad news got here first.

- Now, Bill, that's no way to talk about Martin.

- I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

What's going on in there?

What do you think you're doing in here O'Hara,

opening up a cut rate cleaning place?

- Oh I was just looking at some of the things

that Mrs. Brown picked up ...

(nervous chuckle)

Bought, bought, bought.

- Oh, yes, Bill, I want you to see new first steal.

(stammers) Stole.

- Looks like you didn't leave anything for me to buy.

And here I've been saving up for your birthday?

- Oh! (chuckles)

- Good heavens, look.

- Oh, you don't have to buy me anything Bill.

I've got everything I need.

(audience laughter) Now.

Doesn't that take a load off your mind?

- Now I know how much a little surprise can mean to someone,

and speaking of surprises, I'm surprised

to find your hand in my pocket!

- Oh, whoa, whoa.

There's a spot back there.

- Oh? Is it gone?

- Not yet.

Come in the kitchen and I'll have another go at it.

- Uh, in a minute, I'm due back at the station

on an important matter of police security.

- Oh?

- Oh?

- Oh.

- You have no doubt heard of the famous Slotkin Diamond.

- The Slotkin Diamond!

- The Slotkin Diamond?

- The Slotkin Diamond?

(audience laughter) - Do you mind?

(upbeat music)

Now I have something very confidential to tell you.

It's going to be a great surprise.

(gasps)

(audience laughter)

- Hurry Tim, hurry!

- Uh, the news isn't on for 20 minutes yet.

- Well, the news that interests me is on right now.

- [Tim] Mrs. Brown.

How did you do that Uncle Martin?

- Well people have frequencies,

just as individual as their fingerprints.

All I did was tune in on hers.

- Hmm.

- The Slotkin Diamond coming here on exhibit

and you're the one responsible for bringing it here.

Oh, Bill, I am so proud.

- I'd tell you my plans, if they weren't confidential.

(chuckles) Clever idea.

- I bet I'd be even prouder if I knew

just how clever a scheme it was.

- Well ...

The armored truck will proceed down Pomona to Third,

then right on Parable.

- Yes?

- Then, behind the terminal, north on Jones,

turning east on Southern.

- Mm-hmm.

- And arriving at the galleries at exactly

4 o'clock in full view of everyone.

- Meanwhile the diamond will actually

be delivered by a loan guard coming there

on foot through the alley. (claps and chuckles)

Isn't that simple?

- It ought to be a cinch.

- Uncle Martin.

- Huh?

- She is going to steal that diamond!

Now we've got to stop her.

- Yeah.

Listen, isn't there a picture

of that diamond in today's paper?

- Yeah, it's in the Women's section, front page.

- Excellent.

Get me a wine glass, Tim.

- Oh, no you don't.

Listen that wine is going back to the store

where she pilched it.

- An empty wine glass.

- Oh.

- One glass coming up.

- One glass going down.

Step back, step back.

- Hmm.

(clears throat)

(warbling)

- You know what that is?

- You mean that?

- Mm-hmm.

- I never touch the stuff.

- Glass molecules?

Hmm.

Now watch.

(warbling)

- How about that?

One glass I'm seeing diamonds.

- Correction Tim.

One glass and you're seeing glass.

This fake wouldn't fool anybody,

except Lorelei in a dark alley.

- What's the plan?

- After we return the items Lorelei

acquired on her shoplifting tour,

we go to the Finch Galleries.

Now, while you're in the exhibition hall

covering the story, I'll be in the alley covering Lorelei.

That way she'll rob me of the phony diamond

instead of the real one carried by the guard.

Come on.

(upbeat music)

- Welcome gentlemen, welcome.

And welcome to the famed Slotkin Guard.

My congratulations Detective Brennan.

- Thank you.

Actually the diamond is not in here.

- What?

- To ensure its safe delivery

the diamond has been brought here

by another group known only to me

and here is the diamond.

(dramatic music)

- He's been robbed!

The Slotkin Diamond!

- No, oh, no. No, no.

- Quick men, search the alley.

(dramatic music)

- Brennan, who else knows about

this harebrained scheme of yours?

- No one Captain, at least ...

Oh no, it's impossible.

- Captain?

We got him Captain, we caught

the thief with the diamond red handed.

(mumbling)

(intense music)

- O'Hara. (audience laughter)

(dramatic music)

- I thought you'd never get home.

How'd you finally get 'em to let you go?

- How could they hold me, would you tell me that?

Since when is it a crime to be found

loitering in a dark alley in that

guard's uniform I was wearing

and carrying a 230 Carat fake diamond?

- Thank you Amy Azole, but let's face it,

the way you acted didn't help matters very much.

Hinting that you might, after all, be guilty.

- Ah, exactly what I wanted.

Now that they suspect me, by letting me go

they think I'll lead them to the real diamond.

Which is exactly what I plan to do.

That is, as soon as I find it.

- Well Mrs. Brown must've hidden it somewhere in her house.

- Lorelei?

Oh I forgot, you don't know.

Lorelei didn't steal it.

- She didn't?

- No, no.

Before coming upstairs I read her thoughts.

She couldn't make up her mind what

to wear to her first big heist,

so by the time she decided,

she ended up being late for her own crime.

(audience laughter)

- What are you doing?

- I'm looking up the properties of the Slotkin Diamond.

Now let me see Tim, just a moment.

I got a little machine here that you've never seen now.

What I'm going to do with this

is I'm going to tune in on the

wave frequencies of the diamond

just to find out the whereabouts of the diamond.

Now let me see ...

(upbeat music)

(knocking on door)

- Lorelei.

- Oh, Bill.

- It's those O'Haras, I know it, I just know it.

- Oh, Bill.

If only I'd been there, those dear boys

might not have committed this terrible crime.

- How would you have stopped them?

- Well, let's just say that it's my little secret.

(nervous chuckle) Oh yes.

- I don't understand you Lorelei.

- I don't understand myself lately.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, Lorelei, if you only knew

how much I longed to get my hands on that Slotkin Diamond.

- Bill I know exactly how you feel.

Strangely enough.

- Then, you will help me?

Nothing illegal of course?

- Oh, I'd be happy to steal it back.

If I could just find out where they've hidden it.

- That's just what I want you to do.

- Steal? (audience laughter)

- No. - Oh.

- Find out where they've hidden it.

They must've eavesdropped on us

when I told you my plans.

Now, I want you to steal up those stairs ...

- Steal!

Oh, I just love that word.

- And eavesdrop on them.

- Oh!

(dramatic music)

- Now I put this little plug in here like this.

Now here you check against this map.

(upbeat music)

(beeping)

Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

- Are you tuning in on the wave frequency?

- Right.

(beeping)

- Hmm.

- What's wrong?

- This sounds like it's in England.

Oh, I'm getting interference from the British Museum.

They've got an emerald about that size.

Ah, here we are.

Longitude 118 degrees, 14 minutes, 28 seconds,

latitude 34 degrees, 3 minutes, 15 seconds.

- Well that's 221 Flick Street.

But who lives there?

- Hmm.

I'll find out.

(musical tone)

- What are you doing?

- I'm going to tune in on the telephone company's

electronic searching service

because it will provide us with the name

of the party at that address.

(beeping)

- Well I've heard of Betty Boop,

but who's Beep Beep Beep?

(audience laughter)

(dramatic music)

- Jack Plummer.

- Well that's the guy that got hit on the head.

- Yeah.

Except that he wasn't hit on the head.

- [Tim] Oh.

- [Martin] That's where the Slotkin Diamond is now,

Tim, at 221 Flick Street.

- [Tim] Well, say, that's only three blocks from here.

(dramatic music)

Let's go. - Wait.

First we've got to give Lorelei the antidote.

Now once she takes it, she won't remember

anything crooked that she's done.

Now soon as Brennan leaves, we'll get her to take it.

Uh, oh.

- What?

- Uh oh, Tim, she was eavesdropping.

She's on her way to steal the diamond away from the crook.

All this time that's what's been on her mind.

- Well you didn't tell me that.

- But I'm just finding it out, Tim.

To tell you the truth, I didn't want to pry.

So I read just enough of her mind

to tell me she was innocent.

Tim, this is dangerous, we haven't a moment to lose.

(dramatic music)

- Well, what'd you learn?

- Oh, Bill, me eavesdropping.

I'm so embarrassed.

- What did you find out?

- Bill please.

- Oh Lorelei, you promised.

- Only to eavesdrop, I didn't ever say I was gonna tattle.

That's asking too much. (audience laughter)

- Lorelei!

Lorelei, O'Haras, come back here!

(dramatic music)

(audience laughter)

- Brennan is following us.

- Naturally, since he thinks that we're guilty.

- Well what are we gonna do?

- Well, we gotta make sure that Brennan

captures the thief and looks like a real hero.

Meanwhile, we've got to get the antidote into Lorelei.

- Well how are we gonna do that?

- You take care of this pill and I'll take care of that one.

He looks like he could use 40 winks.

(warbling)

(audience laughter)

(dramatic music)

- 39 ... 40 ...

(knocking on door)

- What do you want lady?

- I'm selling brownies.

- But I don't like brownies.

- Oh, you'll like mine. (chuckles)

- Well ...

- Made with goo.

- What is this lady?

- I'm afraid it's what you people call a 'stick up.'

- Mrs. Brown what are you doing?

- Well, something I don't approve of at all, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

Well, I don't know what's gotten into me.

- Well, I'm afraid it's what hasn't gotten

into you that's the problem Mrs. Brown.

Now I think I have just the answer,

why don't you try one of my tranquilizers?

- Oh, how nice.

But first you must try one of mine.

(thump)

(audience laughter)

- Oh dear, I'm just so mean.

(audience laughter)

- Lady, what's going on?

- When you hear what I've come for

I know you'll be relieved.

Relieved of a Slotkin Diamond that is.

Now if you'll just tell me where I might find it.

- Right back there in the closet.

- Oh!

(dramatic music)

(warbling)

(banging on door)

- Oh, oh, Mrs. Brown.

Now if you'll ...

- Oh, Tim, if I could only thank you.

(audience laughter)

- But I'm afraid I just can't be trusted.

(intense music)

(knocking on door)

- Brennan.

(warbling)

- Put up your hands.

- Brennan, wait a minute.

- Hand over your guns.

- We don't have any guns!

- Amateurs. (audience laughter)

- Brennan the man you want is in the other room,

right in that room, right in there.

He's in there.

- None of your tricks, you're the man I want.

It's just that I've been waiting

around for a crime, that's all.

Now it looks like I'm going to

kill two birds with one stone.

(Lorelei screams)

- Lorelei.

- [Lorelei] Help!

Help!

Don't let me do this terrible thing!

- Lorelei.

What in the world is she doing here?

(upbeat music)

- Well, I'm still waiting for some explanation.

- Explanation?

My poor Bill, by now it should be obvious

to all of you what I'm doing here.

- Well it's, uh, obvious that the logical suspect

in the case was Lorelei.

- Lorelei?

- Well who else knew the secret plans?

Unless you arranged for the crime yourself Brennan.

But Lorelei knew that she hadn't done it,

so that left nobody else except the one person

nobody thought of suspecting.

- The butler, of course. (audience laughter)

- The guard himself.

- So realizing that he was the one with the diamond,

I came here ...

- Now Mrs. Brown, I, uh ...

I think this has been too much for you.

You don't look at all well.

- I don't?

- No, would you please say 'Ah.'

- Ah?

- Ah.

(both) Ah.

(audience laughter)

- What's happening?

What am I doing here?

(screams) The Slotkin Diamond!

(screams)

(intense music)

- Brennan, you ...

Brennan, you're a magician.

And to think that I ever doubted you.

How did you do it?

- I, uh, (stammers)

- Uh, the good Lieutenant was determined

to set a trap for the most notorious

jewel thief in the land.

- I only rate about fourth,

the lady here rates an easy third.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, isn't that nice.

Thinking of others at a time like this.

There's good in everyone.

(audience laughter)

When they send you to jail, I'll come

and bring you some brownies.

- No. No, no. (audience laughter)

- He must be allergic.

- Well at least we know he's not allergic to rocks.

And where he's going, he'll have all he can use.

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

(whirring)