Original subtitles

(singing in a foreign language)

* And my name is Jose O'Hara gee

* My name is Jose

(Tim sings to himself)

(audience laughs)

- Hey!

Ole!

Uncle Martin, your wandering nephew has returned!

Well how do I go in if I do not enter?

(troubled music)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, wake up, you're blowing your top.

- Mm.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Tim.

Tim.

Tim, you weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow.

- Well it's a darn good thing I got back today.

You were asleep at the switch.

You had steam coming out of your ears and you were...

What were you doing anyway?

- I was merely cleansing my system of fluosis,

and at no time was I in any danger of blowing my top.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you sort of popped a safety valve

or something.

What are you looking at me like that for?

- I'm looking at you, and I'm looking for symptoms.

Hmm, your misguided zeal has exposed you to the virus.

- Virus?

- Virus M, commonly referred to as fluosis.

- Fluosis?

I never heard of it.

- Of course not.

It's been exclusively a martian malady,

until now.

- [Tim] Did you say until now?

- Mm-hmm.

Go over there and look.

Go ahead.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughs)

- What am I supposed to do now?!

Go out and get a job as a real, live barber pole?

(audience laughs)

(strange music)

(beeping)

(comical music)

(cheerful music)

(doorbell rings)

Uncle Martin, I have always said that

you were more than welcome here,

but next time you visit,

would you mind leaving your weird martian germs at home?

- I might remind you, Tim,

I did put a sign on the door warning you to stay out.

- Well all right.

Well I thought you were in trouble.

How was I to know you were steam-cleaning your head?

- Well, nothing done that can't be undone.

I have some biocarnate derilium that will remove the stripes

and also prevent the other symptoms from occurring.

- Uh, just one second.

What other symptoms?

- Oh, nothing of any consequence.

Without the inoculant,

you might run a slight fever alternating with a cold...

Brennan!

(mystical music)

(audience laughs)

- Well, don't tell me your charming landlady

has finally recognized your true character

and is throwing you out bag and baggage.

- Tim has been out of town on an assignment

for his newspaper.

- Oh really?

And I thought the air was clear because the smog had lifted.

Is he playing charades with that south of the border fedora?

I give up, what's he supposed to be?

- A man who's minding his own business.

I suggest you go elsewhere and do likewise.

(Tim laughs)

- O'Hara, you're up to something.

There's guilt written all over your face.

Is that really your nephew behind that hat?

- Of course, who else could it be?

- That's what I'm going to find out.

(audience laughs)

(tense music)

(audience laughs)

- Well hi, Brennan.

Catch any crooks lately?

- Well what have we here,

new dimensions in the art of finger painting?

- Oh how very perceptive of you, Brennan,

considering you flunked kindergarten.

- I'm sorry, but you've got to run, Brennan.

- It would seem to me, O'Hara,

that you're inordinately anxious to be rid of me.

- It's nothing personal, lieutenant.

It's just as Shakespeare said,

"Rub the porridge of your opinion

"and make yourself scarce."

- I think he also said, and I quote,

"So full of artless jealousy is guilt

"it spills itself in fearing what it spilt."

- Yes.

- Oh you don't fool me for one minute.

Your evil little mind

is engaged in some nefarious enterprise,

and I mean to find out what it is.

(Brennan whistles)

So that's it.

- So what's what?

- Conspiring to endanger the health and safety

of an entire community.

Well there are laws on this subject

I'm happy to say.

- Now just one cotton-picking minute, Brennan!

There is nothing wrong with me!

I just have sunburn, that's all, yes.

I was laying under a ladder and I got striped sunburn.

- Isn't that pathetic.

Well I didn't take a second major in pathology for nothing

when I was at Yale.

I know what's wrong with you!

- You do?

- Yes.

- What?

- You have a particularly rare, contagious form

of Tropicanus maladitus raritis.

This is Lieutenant Brennan.

Get me an emergency ambulance from City Hospital.

- Could he be right?

- Tim, the Brennans in this world are never wrong,

even when they aren't right.

(siren whirring)

(urgent music)

- Listen, I don't understand why you just didn't go

(whistles)

like that and get that stuff.

- Because Brennan didn't take his eyes off me

the whole time I was there.

- Well I hope you realize if I get examined

your goose is cooked!

- I'm painfully aware of that unhappy fact, Tim,

and I have no intention of letting it happen.

(bewitching music)

(crashing)

- Hey, hey, hey, what do you think this is, a freeway?

- Look Sam, now don't holler.

- I'm not hollering!

I'm not gonna holler either, so just don't holler!

- Don't holler, because I'm not gonna holler!

- I'm not, I'm not!

- All right, take it easy!

- All right, I'm easy.

- Now you attacked me coming down my side of the freeway,

the corridor.

- Yours?

Where'd you get that can of beans, huh?

- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

I'm sure this could be settled

in a quiet and amicable manner.

- Butt out, will you, Mack?

- I happen to be a police officer here on official business.

- Oh. (laughs)

Why, I didn't know that.

I'm terribly sorry, officer.

But the thing is,

I've been 15 years in this hospital here, sir,

with a perfect safety record,

until just now when Sam runs his gurney into me.

- I ran into you?

You ran into me!

And I got witnesses,

you, you ran into me.

- I've seen this happen before, officer.

Sam tends to become emotional in crisis.

- I am not concerned with Sam's emotional problems.

Right now my only concern is to get this man into isolation

before he contaminates this...

What happened to O'Hara?

What happened to O'Hara?!

- That's funny, he was here just a minute ago.

- I know he was here just a minute ago, but he isn't here...

O'Hara, both O'Haras, they've escaped!

Quick, surround the building!

- Me?

- I mean quick, take me to the chief administrator

or I'll throw a cordon around this entire neighborhood.

They shall not pass!

(scampering music)

(audience laughs)

(trembling music)

(audience laughs)

- What are we doing here?

- We're gonna borrow this gentleman's room

while he's in surgery.

- What do we need a room for?

- As a temporary haven.

Sooner or later you're going to have a take an examination

by a competent physician.

Otherwise, Brennan's gonna ask for a full investigation.

- Well don't you just think the doctor might notice these

and think I'm some kind of interplanetary typhoid Mary?

- By that time the stripes will be gone.

Ah, here we are.

Now sit down, sit down right there.

- What are you gonna do with that?

- A temporary disguise in case someone comes in

while I'm gone.

- Gone?

Where are you going?

- There isn't time to go home for the antidote,

so I'll have to improvise something

with whatever primitive Earth drugs are available

at the local pharmacy.

- While you're down at the local pharmacy,

would you mind getting a large bottle of aspirin,

because I think I'm gonna have a king size headache!

- Here.

Here.

You keep wrapping, because I better check on Brennan.

You can never tell what fearless foznick will do next.

- Of course I'm positive, Dr. Carson.

After all, I took a second major in pathology at Yale.

- Yes.

(audience laughs)

I am responsible for the administration of this hospital,

and I will not allow my patients' routine to be upset

on your diagnosis,

especially one of which I've never heard

and one which I seriously doubt.

- I am aware of your responsibilities, doctor,

and I am also aware of mine.

I assure you, the instant you'll see young O'Hara,

you'll recognize him as a menace to society.

- All right, but until I examine him personally,

there will be no general alarm.

You may have the services of the hospital security guards.

- Very well, doctor.

Men,

the important thing in a situation like this

is perceptive leadership,

which I shall supply.

All right!

Follow me.

This is it.

(march-like music)

- If that man's head were any bigger,

I could put it in a bottle

and sell it to the medical school.

- What an intriguing idea.

Even your own mummy wouldn't know you, Tim.

- Will you stop with the corny jokes?

What about Brennan?

- Well fortunately,

Brennan has a most unfortunate personality,

which Dr. Carson found something less than intriguing.

Hmm.

Now this should complete the disguise.

Yes.

- I feel like a Medicare package.

- Bye.

(lighthearted music)

(audience laughs)

(nurse laughs)

(whistling)

- Can you tell me the way to the nearest bus stop?

- Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Oh yes, well I suppose I should be,

but actually there's a very reasonable explanation

for all this.

- I know what the explanation is.

You're just a big baby, Mr. Abernathy.

- Yes, well, Mr. Abernathy?

- Now we're going to be a brave little soldier

and go right back to surgery, aren't we?

- Surgery?

I'll tell you what.

You go to surgery and I'll try and drop in later.

- Mr. Abernathy, you're not being very cooperative.

- Well, there's a very good reason for that.

You see, I'm not who you think I am.

No no, really.

My name happens to be,

mud, that's what it happens to be.

- Pardon me, nurse,

but I'm looking for a couple of miscreants

who are trying to escape.

- Well I have one here,

only I don't think he's the one you're looking for.

- Oh, what seems to be the problem?

- Well Mr. Abernathy here is supposed to be in surgery,

but he evidently panicked and ran away.

- Really?

Well now, Mr. Abernathy,

perhaps I can be of some assistance.

There's really no need to subject yourself

to that moment of abject terror.

- There isn't?

- Of course not.

Nurse, why don't you give Mr. Abernathy here

a good strong sedative to see him through?

- An excellent idea, officer.

- A sedative?!

Oh no no no, I'll be a good little soldier, honestly.

(bumbling music)

(lively music)

- We'd better hurry, Sam.

Dr. Blair must be running late

or he would've been calling for Mr. Abernathy hours ago.

- Don't worry, ma'am,

I'll have him there in a double jiffy.

- He shouldn't cause any trouble this time.

I gave him a good strong sedative.

- Yes, ma'am. (laughs)

(peaceful orchestral music)

(Sam sings to himself)

(strange music)

(audience laughs)

Wait!

Come back here!

Come back here!

What are you doing?

Two loose patients in one day?

I'll get a bad reputation!

Come back here with my patient!

(sneaky music)

- Here we are, Tim.

One swallow of this and you'll be good as new.

(perplexed music)

Tim, are you asleep?

(Tim snores)

Tim!

Tim, wake up!

- Hmm?

Hmm hmm?

- Tim, look at me.

(dreamlike music)

- You're beautiful.

(Tim snores)

- Tim!

Tim!

- Hmm, hmm?

What, what?

- Tim.

Watch my finger.

(hypnotic music)

- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to dissipate the sedative

by speeding up the flow of blood through your brain.

- All right, all right!

I think my red carpal cells are turning white!

- Are you awake?

- Well I guess so, more or less.

Did you get the antidote?

- Unfortunately, we don't dare use it

now that you've been given a sedative.

I have no idea what the side effects might be.

- Well I'm willing to take a chance.

- Thank you, Tim, but I'm not.

They could be disastrous.

We'll just have to let the virus M run its natural course

and try to keep you out of sight during the sanity process.

- The what?

- Unhappily, with virus M,

the manifestations become rather spectacular,

and worse, they may begin at any moment.

- That's what I like about you, Uncle Martin!

You really know how to put a guy at ease!

- Brennan's just outside the elevator

and it's about to stop at the next floor.

(humorous music)

- That's odd, there's no orderly with this patient.

(audience laughs)

What?

That's Mr. Abernathy from room 412.

I was there just a short while ago.

- Excuse me, Lieutenant, are you using the elevator?

- Uh, no.

As a matter of fact, this patient just came up

without any attendant.

- Yeah?

Boy, somebody's in big trouble.

The hospital's got very strict rules about that.

I'll have somebody check on it

as soon as I get this patient into his room.

- [Brennan] Thank you.

(mysterious music)

(audience laughs)

- My theory is they'll try to escape

through the boiler room.

Now you stand here while I make a search of the area.

(suspicious music)

- [Orderly] That patient is smoking!

- [Brennan] Is there some sort of hospital rule

against patients smoking?

- He's gone.

(audience laughs)

- I'm beginning to think you people don't know

how to run a hospital.

You send Mr. Abernathy up here without an attendant

and then someone comes along

and practically spirits him away.

- What's Mr. Abernathy got to do with it?

That's Mr. Abernathy in there.

I don't know who your patient was.

- Nonsense.

I was in room 412 when they brought him in.

I never forget a face, even when...

I never saw his face, only the bandage.

(snaps fingers)

O'Hara has done it again.

Come on, they had to go this way.

(determined music)

(feverish music)

- Uncle Martin, do something!

I'm going up in smoke!

- I am doing something, Tim.

I'm looking for an empty room to put you in

during the crisis.

Ah, there's one.

- Crisis?!

What crisis?!

You didn't say there was gonna be a crisis!

- I didn't wanna worry you, Tim.

The fact of the matter is you're gonna be a lot worse

before you're better.

- Uncle Martin, what you said about a crisis,

you didn't mean that?

- I have every reason to believe, Tim,

that you will survive.

I'm not so sure about myself.

- Well what are you supposed to mean by that?!

What are you doing with those blankets?

- Protecting myself.

In a few moments your temperature is going to start down,

and it's going to be very cold in here.

- But what does my temperature have to do with the weather?

- Everything.

Your system will be throwing off

heat and cold molecules alternately

as it expels the submicroscopic infectious agents

of Virus M.

You will experience a great deal less discomfort than I.

- Oh now just a minute, you can't mean...

Hey, hey, hey, the water cooler, it's freezing up!

(troubled music)

- They couldn't have gone that way.

No.

They must be in one of those rooms.

- Yeah.

- Check that door.

(knocking on the door)

- That wasn't so bad, Uncle Martin.

- Don't cheer yet.

Your temperature is going to keep vacillating

at a continually broadening range.

(ominous music)

(glass shattering)

(dramatic music)

(knocking on the door)

- Open up in there!

Open up, this is the police!

O'Hara, are you in there?!

- That sounds like Brennan!

- It is Brennan.

- What are we gonna do?!

- Well there's nothing we can do except sweat it out.

(uneasy music)

(Tim groans)

(audience laughs)

- There's a jungle growing in there.

Quick, get Dr. Carson!

We've got to save his office!

Go.

Go!

("Jingle Bells")

(delirious music)

- Tim, are you all right?

- I think so.

Is it over?

- We'll know in a minute.

(mystical music)

You're cured.

Your face is still flushed,

but it doesn't look like anything more than a mild sunburn.

- Oh!

Well that's what I told Brennan I had.

- Mm, so you did,

and that may prove to have been an inspiration.

(thudding)

- What's that?

- It sounds like our bloodhound

has turned into a battering ram.

Perhaps I'd better tidy up if we're going to have company.

(thudding)

(audience laughs)

- What in the name of Mabel's metatarsal

do you think you're doing?

- There's a howling blizzard in your office, doctor,

and there are two men in there freezing to death.

- A howling blizzard?

What is this?

You were babbling about a steaming jungle.

- That was before the blizzard.

(thudding)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughs)

- Lieutenant?

Could there possibly be some explanation

to your irrational behavior

ever since you came into this hospital?

- This whole room,

there was a raging snowstorm in here, doctor,

and the wind was howling,

and just before that it was like a steaming jungle.

All right, all right!

I know I saw red stripes on young O'Hara's face.

- Offhand, I'd say this patient

has a simple case of sunburn.

- Oh I tried to tell you that, Brennan.

- Well I did see red stripes on your face.

I did see red stripes on his face, doctor.

I saw it with my own eyes.

O'Hara, what are you trying to pull off here?

You know as well as I do

he had a classic case of Tropicanus maladitis raritis.

- Well I can truthfully say, Lieutenant Brennan,

that I know nothing of the sort.

I'm afraid the Lieutenant has been overworked, doctor.

I've noticed he really hasn't been himself

in the past few days.

- Tell me, Lieutenant,

when was the last time

you had a complete physical and mental checkup?

- Only last month, doctor.

We always have our checkup.

Oh, now wait, doctor, there's nothing wrong with me.

- Of course there isn't, Lieutenant.

However, I have a very good friend down the hall.

Oh you'll like him.

He's a doctor too.

Come along.

- It occurs to me, Tim,

that our old friend, Detective William Brennan,

may never be the same.

- It occurs to me that anything would be an improvement.

- Agreed.

(happy music)

(dreamlike music)

- Oh no.

Not again.

Uncle Martin!

- Hmm?

What, Tim?

- Your ears, they're pss!

- Oh.

Well no need for alarm, Tim.

You are forever immune from Virus M.

- I am?

- Mm-hmm.

That's the one area in which an earthling's physical system

is superior to a martian's.

You can build an immunity to certain diseases.

- Oh.

Well, (laughs) I'm glad there's one that...

(knocking on the door)

- Brennan.

No no, Brennan, don't come in here.

- I assure you, it was not my idea.

It was my analyst's.

He advised me that my first step towards rehabilitation

was to apologize for my actions.

- We accept your apology, goodbye.

- Now see here, O'Hara, I came to apologize

and I'm going to apologize.

(humorous music)

(audience laughs)

Now, I do admit that after all that's happened today,

my face is a bit red.

- A bit red?

- Well, do you accept my apology

or am I going to stay here until I turn blue?

- Well just don't stand there.

Let's get the antidote.

If he sees those stripes, we'll wind up wearing some.

(silly music)

(comical music)

(illuminated music)