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1
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ABIGAIL: Heidi, you don't have to be here.
It's Saturday night.
2
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Shouldn't you be out with your friends
fidgeting each other's spinners?
3
00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,217
That's an old one.
4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,012
Now we just like listening
to people whisper things.
5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,931
And besides, I like being here with you.
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ANNOUNCER:
And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.
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[PIANO PLAYING]
8
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Oh, my goodness.
9
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,231
So many beautiful faces tonight.
10
00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,734
So kind of you all
to be here for this concert
11
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:29,571
to benefit my dead
or jailed family members.
12
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,950
My beloved brothers were poisoned, uh,
13
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,411
by my cunt of a sister
right there on the end.
14
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:39,915
-[AUDIENCE GROANS]
-Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.
15
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,792
It's a pretty good diet, really.
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[SINGING] Just don't eat anything
Because you might get poisoned
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[CHUCKLING]
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00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:50,676
Mmm.
19
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,969
But seriously, though,
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00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,513
I was never allowed
to write any of our songs
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00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,640
because of those cocksuckers right there.
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But, uh, I'm the only one left,
so I had no choice.
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We've got "Short Straw."
24
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,606
Brave.
25
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-Here we go!
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
26
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[SINGING] I picked the short straw
The bruisiest apple
27
00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:20,539
The grocery cart
With the fucked-up wheel
28
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I got that short-ass straw
That looks like a toothpick
29
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:29,506
The puniest boobs
In the whole damn field
30
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Short straw
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[ALL CHEERING]
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That's right, people.
I got that short straw.
33
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,265
And by "short straw,"
I mean "stripper pole."
34
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,517
Oh.
35
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,229
Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.
36
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Short straw
37
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All right, spin me. Spin me.
38
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I lost feeling down there hours ago.
39
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,958
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
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Ah! She's dead.
41
00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:09,796
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
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[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
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00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,926
Oh, dear.
44
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,637
She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.
45
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:19,765
GILBERT:
You know what?
46
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:22,476
Branda couldn't have been
the murderer this time. She's in jail.
47
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:26,897
The good news is
that Branda is not the murderer.
48
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,900
The bad news is that Branda
49
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-is the murdered!
-[ALL GASP]
50
00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:34,863
-No.
-What in the hot fudge?
51
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,783
-How did you know Branda was in there?
-I figured it out.
52
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:41,036
Because I stan
the BcBillan family so much.
53
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:44,122
And I thank my niece
for teaching me the word "stan."
54
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,707
My aunt's my best friend.
55
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Don't know why I said that. Why not?
56
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,755
There are many things about me
that are not perfect.
57
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:52,840
Liar!
58
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,968
I have irregular pubic borders,
I have butter-soft nails,
59
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,803
and I have a fourth nipple.
60
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,012
Stuff of nightmares.
61
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,808
But I do have perfect pitch
and that piano was off-key.
62
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:03,892
We didn't notice it
63
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:08,063
because Broda was actually
the most talented musically in the family.
64
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,898
But she didn't get a chance to show it.
65
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,901
She was adjusting
to the off-key accompaniment.
66
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,612
-Let me explain this further.
-Why don't you sing it?
67
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[SOFTLY]
You know I can't do that.
68
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,784
Don't be afraid.
69
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Who wants to hear her sing?
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[CHANTING]
Abigail.
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ALL [CHANTING]:
Abigail.
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00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,251
Abigail.
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00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,711
Abigail.
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00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,006
When I was in my 20s,
a moth flew into my windpipe,
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00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,842
and ever since then,
I'm terrified to sing in public.
76
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,803
Singing in public, my greatest fear.
77
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Think, Abigail.
78
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:44,933
How would you write yourself out of this?
79
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:51,648
Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage
in front of 2 million people
80
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,068
at the International Arena of Europe.
81
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:59,323
[SINGING]
I'm not afraid anymore
82
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:04,161
I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door
83
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,413
Hey, world
84
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:10,000
Hear me
85
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:14,421
Roar
86
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:16,048
[LAUGHS]
87
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[COUGHING]
88
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,016
You can do it, Aunt Abigail.
89
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,227
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
90
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,105
[SINGING]
91
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,909
I just don't understand why she has
to sing it, you know what I'm saying?
92
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,577
It's not even an actual song.
93
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,955
She's just giving us dry information
on the case.
94
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:59,091
Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.
95
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,927
You should be afraid to sing in public!
96
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,136
BILLS:
What is happening right now?
97
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,346
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
98
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,806
Oh, now it's a duet.
99
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:08,308
[CONTINUES SINGING]
100
00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:12,855
HEIDI [SINGING]:
Best voice, best voice
101
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,606
Thank the Lord.
102
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,710
BOTH [SINGING]:
103
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,803
I'm clapping for all of us
because that was amazing.
104
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,847
But wait, who killed Broda?
105
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,558
-Oh. So--
-Enough with the damn singing!
106
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:52,269
-Who did it?!
-Death by splits.
107
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,647
She died of a broken vulva.
108
00:05:55,731 --> 00:06:00,569
Fun fact, did you know the heart
and the vulva are the same organ?
109
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,446
It's the longest organ in the body.
110
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,867
No, actually, sorry. That's not true.
I was premed at Princeton.
111
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,119
Just...
112
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,456
Actually, no, I didn't go to classes
so it might be.
113
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,457
Either or.
114
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,543
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]
115
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,713
All this crying has made me chafe my lips.
116
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,007
Do you have any lip salve?
117
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,217
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
118
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,678
I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail.
I know it was your favorite band.
119
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,306
I'll make you a playlist
of some of the bands I like
120
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,934
and maybe you'll like them too.
121
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,477
That's very kind of you.
122
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,604
-Real talk?
-Mm-hm.
123
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:38,148
-You look like a clown whore.
-Oh.
124
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,400
Well, that's not the first time
I've heard that.
125
00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:44,321
I used to have a lucrative job
as a circus prostitute.
126
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,616
And I was always paid under the table,
where the BJs happened.
127
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,910
Oh, God. I miss BJs.
128
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,495
[LOUDLY]
Just kidding.
129
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,829
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, excuse me.
130
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:59,253
Well, Heidi, even though
they resented each other...
131
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,505
-And murdered each other.
-Oh, that's true.
132
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,215
They were still a family.
133
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,843
They stuck together till the end.
134
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,302
HEIDI:
Oh.
135
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,096
[GRUNTING]
136
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,722
Yeah.
137
00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:13,559
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
138
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,148
[YELPING]
139
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:29,199
You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.
140
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,034
They're loud and filthy,
141
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,288
just like you, you disgusting creature.
142
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,498
I'm actually not staying, dear.
143
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:40,544
I thought you'd enjoy this concert
with a couple of new school friends.
144
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,423
-Oh. They look like total weirdos.
BOTH: Hi!
145
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,300
Yep.
146
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,468
Thank you. I feel seen.
147
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:54,057
-What's up, my bitches?
GIRL: Hey.
148
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:57,144
-[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
-Oh, no.
149
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:00,230
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
150
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,899
[HOWLING IN DISTANCE]
151
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,652
GILBERT:
Abigail!
152
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,529
Gilbert.
153
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:08,947
Ah.
154
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,782
Lovely night for a stroll.
155
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:13,744
May I escort you home?
156
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,871
Yes, of course.
157
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,706
Isn't this pleasant?
158
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:20,542
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
159
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:21,877
[TIRES SCREECHING]
160
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,088
Abigail, watch out!
161
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,174
[CRASHING NOISES]
11521
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