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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:04,800 I cannot believe what happened to my house. 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,500 Let's just get the pictures for the insurance and get out. 3 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,400 All right, how should I pose? 4 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:11,800 I don't think you should be in the pictures at all. 5 00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,000 Michael, I'm an actor. 6 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:17,800 If I use my powers to convey how upset I am, they'll give me more money. 7 00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,500 I just... I need a sec, okay? 8 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,900 Here, here, right here. 9 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:27,600 Why? No, that's my bad side. Here. 10 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,100 Why? 11 00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:31,800 Do you hear something? 12 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:36,000 Who the hell is in my house, huh? I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite. 13 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,800 Jimmy. What are you doing here? 14 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,900 Oh, you know, I lost my apartment. And I figured I'd crash here a while. 15 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,700 In my burned-out house? That's crazy. 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,700 It ain't so bad. I'm used to the smell now. 17 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:51,500 And after I made an example out of the big one, the raccoons finally respect me. 18 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,900 - Okay, so my dad's a squatter? - I gotta hear this from my kid? 19 00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:59,500 My entire life people have been labeling me, huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby-chaser. 20 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,500 I say to each his own. 21 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:04,100 Except for high Episcopalians. You're either Catholic or shut up. 22 00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:07,100 Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here. 23 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,400 I got no place else to go, Joe. 24 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,000 Have you thought about moving in with my mom? She'd probably like that. 25 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,800 - That's not a bad idea. - All right, it's a big step... 26 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,900 ...but let me give it some thought. - Okay, great. All right. 27 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:22,100 - Let's take the rest of those pictures. - Right. 28 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,700 Would you mind lying in the ashes like you're dead... 29 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,300 ...while I cry out in anger and pain? - Oh, so they pay you more? Sure, yeah. 30 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,200 - Why? - That was the one. You get it? 31 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,000 - Well, no... - Unbelievable. 32 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,400 Oh, right this way, Edie. 33 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,700 I'll be just a second. 34 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:08,100 Oh, my God, is that Edie Phillips in your office? I'm such a huge fan. 35 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,500 I know. She's the perfect actress. 36 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:14,600 Critics love her, and so do trashy pinheads like you. 37 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,900 I know. Joey's on his way up. 38 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,500 Oh, good. I'm gonna set him up with Edie. 39 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,900 Oh, really? I always heard she was a lesbian. 40 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,100 Do not say that out loud. 41 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,400 She has a huge romantic comedy coming out. 42 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:29,000 - The public needs to think she's straight. - Okay. 43 00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:33,400 So I don't want to hear you calling her the L word or the M word or the G word. 44 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,100 I don't wanna hear about how she VZs. 45 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,300 And I don't wanna see any pictures of her R-ing some girl's O... 46 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,600 ...while some H K's in the background. 47 00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,600 Okay, okay. So you want Joey to be her beard? 48 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:46,800 Exactly. 49 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,700 Good luck convincing people. Everyone knows she's gay. 50 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:53,200 Hey, I got your message. Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me. 51 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,500 Joey, I think you misunderstood my message. 52 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,500 All right, Edie doesn't go out with men that often. 53 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,000 Been a bit of a dry spell, huh? 54 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,500 Well, tonight's forecast calls for heavy doing it... 55 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,700 ...with a strong chance of more doing it over the weekend. 56 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,700 Hey, by the way, any network bites on my treatment for Sexy Weatherman? 57 00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:16,100 Joey, I don't think you're hearing me. 58 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:19,300 It's not just that she doesn't date men. 59 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:24,100 Edie H's J's. 60 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,400 It's a little weird for a straight girl, but I'll roll with it. 61 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,200 - Oh, my God, Edie Phillips. - Hi, Joey. Thanks for doing this. 62 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,400 And I trust you'll be discreet about it. 63 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:41,400 - Let me ask, are you also? - Oh, yeah. 64 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,500 So I've arranged your date tonight, and I've alerted the press. 65 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,900 I'll walk you out, Edie. 66 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,600 Make sure Joey knows what's going on. 67 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,200 What does she mean? 68 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,800 You know how you think you're gonna sleep with Edie? 69 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,200 Oh, yeah. 70 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,100 You're right. 71 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,200 Oh, my God. Would you look at this? 72 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,700 It's so embarrassing. 73 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,600 The woman I'm going out with tonight is on the cover of People magazine. 74 00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:18,300 - Edie Phillips? - That's right. 75 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,400 Do I feel a jealous front moving in with scattered showers of regret? 76 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,200 Seriously, talk to Bobbie... 77 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,400 ... Sexy Weatherman is the next Desperate Housewives. 78 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,300 I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips supposed...? 79 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,500 Yep. 80 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,700 - And Joey doesn't...? - No. 81 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,400 I was in charge of telling him. I have failed to do so. 82 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,900 Hey, Joe-Joe. Gina, there you are. 83 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,300 - I've been wanting to talk to you. - What's up? 84 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,300 Look, things have been going real good between us, you know. 85 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,400 And maybe I don't come out and say it as often as I should... 86 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,300 ...but you make me happy in ways that sometimes I don't deserve. 87 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,800 What the hell? Do I barge into your private moments and make noises? 88 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,000 - No, that was nice, I... - This is between us. Look at the table. 89 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,700 - Jimmy, she was... Okay. - You too, table. 90 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:13,900 Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have found you after all these years. 91 00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:17,500 And I figured that maybe we could take the next step and move in together. 92 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,400 - Jimmy, I would love that. - Yeah, it'd be good. You know, I mean... 93 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,800 ...you're the best thing that ever happened to me. 94 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,900 What? The table did something that made me sad. 95 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:40,100 - So me and Gina moving in, huh? - I'm proud of you, man. This is huge. 96 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:43,200 Yeah, it's the biggest thing we've ever done together. 97 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,800 Are you gonna make it about you? Like the other night: 98 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,200 "Give me some dessert. Sing me a song. " 99 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,400 It was my birthday. 100 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,200 All right, here we are. 101 00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:59,400 All right. Jeez, I don't know why she lives in this neighborhood. 102 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:02,700 I mean, look at this veteran hooker. Not interested. 103 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,600 Hey, Gina. 104 00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,200 Welcome home, honey. 105 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,300 Okay, thanks for the ride, guys. 106 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,500 - See you later. - Yeah. 107 00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,800 - Bye, guys. - Bye. 108 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:18,900 - Come on. Let's start our new life together. - Let's do it right now. 109 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,500 All right, let's get out of here. This is disgusting. 110 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,400 No, no. They rolled underneath the truck. 111 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,000 - So your parents are finally living together. - Yeah, I know, it's cool. 112 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,400 I wonder what they're doing. Maybe making dinner... 113 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,000 ...or dancing to their favorite song. - I can't take it anymore! 114 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,000 - What the hell's going on? - That woman is impossible. 115 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:49,100 - I can't make it work. - It's been like seven minutes. 116 00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,000 I tried, Joey. God knows I tried. 117 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,700 - We got green lights all the way home. - I'm willing to make this work... 118 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,500 ...but relationship is about compromise. 119 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,200 Did you make it inside her house? 120 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,300 No, the fight happened outside, all right? 121 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,500 Nobody tells me I carry my bag weird. 122 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,900 What? Table. 123 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,100 Are you crazy? Look at the table. 124 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:29,100 Come here, handsome. 125 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,600 Finally. I mean, you paid no attention to me in the limo. 126 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:37,400 When I leaned across you to get that bottle, I put my butt right in your face. 127 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,500 Could you close the curtains? 128 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,200 Oh, what are you doing? 129 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,200 - What we were doing before. - Well, we don't need to do that now. 130 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,200 Well, we don't need to do it, but we wanna do it. 131 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,700 Thank you. 132 00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,300 Thanks again for doing this. 133 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,900 Oh, please, spending the night with a beautiful woman. 134 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,800 - What's better than that? - Not much. 135 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,200 - Okay, please stop doing that. - Why? 136 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,100 Okay, let me just see something here. 137 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,000 Okay. 138 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:42,000 Now, I don't have this completely figured out... 139 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,200 ...but I think when you were very, very young... 140 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,900 ...a curtain did something to you. 141 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:54,100 Look, Joey, was Bobbie clear about what we're doing here tonight? 142 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,700 What do you mean? 143 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,800 Going out with you is a publicity stunt. 144 00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,400 I don't have sex with men. 145 00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,700 Oh, my God. 146 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,200 So you only H J's. 147 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,000 And to think, I put cologne on my M for nothing. 148 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,400 Wow, this is odd for me. I'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman... 149 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,800 ...and there's only a chance we'll end up in bed. 150 00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:25,400 - No chance. - Really? 151 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,200 You must be very gay. 152 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,800 Hey, can I ask you a personal question? 153 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:33,200 Why do you need to pretend to be on a date with me? 154 00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:35,000 Well, I'm in the public eye. 155 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,200 It's important that I maintain a certain image. 156 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,000 Bobbie told me the same thing, yeah. 157 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:44,400 That's why I'm not allowed to answer questions about race relations anymore. 158 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,200 So we've got a night out together. What do you wanna talk about? 159 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,300 Well, I don't know. 160 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,800 Well, we're both actors. We could talk about that. Did you, like, study? 161 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,200 No, I just make it up as I go along. I memorize some of my lines. 162 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,500 Whenever I don't know what to do, I just put on this big fake smile... 163 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,900 ...and America finds it appealing. 164 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,400 Oh, hey, I got a go-to move also. 165 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:08,800 It's this devil-may-care smirk. 166 00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:14,600 The last TV pilot I did, test audiences found it smack-face-y. 167 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,000 - See? This is fun. - Yeah. 168 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,900 Okay, so just to be clear. We'll hang out, have a nice dinner. 169 00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,300 When the cameras are around, you'll make out with me? 170 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,000 - That's right. - Okay. 171 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:31,600 Hey. Celebrities over here. 172 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,600 Damn paparazzi, huh? 173 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,200 Hey. How was the weather for your date last night? 174 00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:44,700 I heard there was a low sex-front moving in and it was unseasonably lesbian. 175 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:47,700 Oh, great, so Gina told everyone? 176 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,400 Yep. Did you two have a gay old time? 177 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,000 I will have you know that even though I'm just her beard... 178 00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,800 ...Edie and I had a great time. We had a lot in common. 179 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,100 She'll be here any minute to pick me up for a full day of bearding. 180 00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,300 - Beard is not a verb, Joey. - Neither is television or cake... 181 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,400 ...but I use them all the time. Michael, cake me, I'm gonna television. 182 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,700 Hi, guys. What's for dinner? 183 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,400 - Jimmy, I thought you left. - Oh, I did... 184 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,500 ...but me and Gina had another fight. I needed to cool off. 185 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,300 I'm really glad you made me do this. 186 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,700 This living with Gina thing is working out great. 187 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,800 Is it? 188 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,800 Yeah, you know, we've really taken things to the next level. 189 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,800 Okay, let me ask you something. You like living with Gina, huh? 190 00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:35,700 - How many days you been together? - Two. 191 00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,900 - How many nights here? - Two. Get to the point... 192 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,700 ...before the skinny chick's eyes bore a hole in my towel. 193 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,900 Skinny. 194 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,300 Oh, there's that noise again. 195 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,500 - Hey, honey. - Oh, hey, baby doll. 196 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,600 - In your rage, you forgot your toothbrush. - Oh, thank you, honey. 197 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,100 - You coming home tonight? - No, I'm gonna crash here. 198 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,500 - Sounds good. See you tomorrow? - Maybe the next day. 199 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,000 - I love living with you. - I love living with you. 200 00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,200 - You are not living together! - What are you talking about? 201 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,700 You're living here, and you, you're living there. 202 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:09,800 When people live together, they live to... One, two... Gether. 203 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,500 You need to live in the same place. 204 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:15,000 Okay? Maybe over at Gina's. Go there now. 205 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,800 - Fine. - Okay. 206 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,000 - Jim, Jimbo. - Yeah. 207 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,700 - Aren't you gonna put some clothes on? - Oh, no, I came like this. I was real angry. 208 00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,500 Hey, Bobbie. Sorry we're late. We went to Chinatown. 209 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,100 Then we did some bearding at the Dodgers game. 210 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,400 It was great. They put us on the JumboTron. 211 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:40,300 This one, straight as an arrow, huh? She's kissing me... 212 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,100 ...talking about the pitcher's hot body, huh? 213 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,500 And, hey, nice touch using the women's bathroom. 214 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,800 So tomorrow night, Joey's going to the Independent Movie Awards with me, right? 215 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,800 Yeah, here are your tickets. 216 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,800 You are the best beard ever. And I've had Matthew McConaughey. 217 00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:01,200 - Oh, I hear he's good. - Bye, Joey. Bye, Bobbie. 218 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,200 - See you. - Bye-bye. 219 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,600 She is the best. 220 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,700 Can you see what kind of flowers she likes? I wanna bring her some. 221 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,900 On Wednesday, we're not booked for anything. 222 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000 - I was thinking we should go to the beach. - The beach? 223 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,500 Flowers? 224 00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,300 Joey, what's going on here? 225 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,900 I like her. I feel like we're becoming friends. What? 226 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,600 This beard thing is strictly a business arrangement. 227 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,500 Come on, you know the rules. 228 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,300 Never let her out of your sight... 229 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,900 ...never let your guard down, and never fall in love. 230 00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:30,900 Isn't that from the movie The Bodyguard? 231 00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,800 Oh, come on. Don't mess this up. 232 00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,800 This arrangement is working out great for everybody. 233 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,300 I mean, people are starting to think that both of you are straight. 234 00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,300 Bobbie, I am straight. 235 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,200 "Bobbie, I am straight. " 236 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,800 Come on. Can you hear yourself? 237 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,200 Thanks, Michael. I wanna look perfect for Edie. This is a big night. 238 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,700 - You really care about this woman. - Yeah. 239 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,200 It's amazing when you take sex out of the equation... 240 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:04,000 ...how quickly you can make a connection with someone on a deeper level. 241 00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:08,000 That's why I always avoid taking it to a sexual place with any of my female friends. 242 00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:14,700 - I almost couldn't even get it out. - I know. 243 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,900 I can't do this. 244 00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,600 Your sister's crazy. The situation is untenable. 245 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,700 - But, Jim... - The situation is untenable. 246 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,100 - Jimmy, Jimmy. - Gina's driving me nuts. 247 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,200 I had to get away. I can't stand to look at that bastard's face. 248 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:33,600 Oh, here's the bastard's face. Look at it! Look at it! 249 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,800 What are you doing here? 250 00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,500 - Getting away from you. - I'm here getting away from you. 251 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,300 - I'll take Joey's room. - I'll take Michael's room. 252 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,900 Stop! 253 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,900 Look, this relationship is never gonna work if every time you guys have a problem... 254 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,300 ...you run away from each other. 255 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,600 You need to look each other in the eye and talk it out. 256 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:52,900 - I don't wanna talk to him. - Get her away. 257 00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:55,700 - They look like two magnets. - Michael, be quiet. Table. 258 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,500 Hey, nobody "tables" my son. His metaphor is apt. 259 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,900 - No, you two are working this out. - Stop it. 260 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:05,000 - Get her away. - No. Hey, okay, fine, go in there. 261 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,400 You're staying in there till you work this out. Talk. 262 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,300 You think you can keep us in here? We'll go through the window. 263 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:13,000 Oh, sure, go out the window, not the front door, you idiot. 264 00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,900 - You're calling me an idiot? - No, I'm talking to the other idiot. 265 00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:26,300 Welcome back. 266 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,200 I don't know why I'm nervous. I'm not gonna win. 267 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,700 Of course you are. Hey, now, when you thank me in your speech... 268 00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,800 ...I was gonna go for a fake cry. 269 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,100 Now, do you want just a subtle welling up, like: 270 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,300 Or do you want more of a: 271 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,900 - You wanna cry for me? - Well, someone should. 272 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:48,400 You should be sharing this with someone you're in a real relationship with. 273 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,300 You don't think I want that? 274 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,100 I think it's crazy that you feel the need to bring a fake boyfriend to this... 275 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,800 ...but if I am here, I'm gonna give you what you deserve. 276 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,400 That's very sweet. 277 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:02,300 I actually don't think I'm gonna mention anybody by name. 278 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,100 But if I win, just know you've been great. 279 00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:10,400 And the award for best supporting actress goes to Edie Phillips. 280 00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,600 My girlfriend. My girlfriend. 281 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:20,600 What a rush. We are gonna have some heterosexual sex tonight. 282 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,400 Wow, this is such an honor. 283 00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,600 I wanna thank everyone involved in the film. 284 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:31,500 My fellow actors, the fabulous crew. 285 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:34,600 And, wow, I wasn't going to do this... 286 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:39,400 ...but I need to acknowledge someone who's very special to me by name. 287 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:44,200 I haven't known you long, but you've really touched my life. 288 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,400 I mean, this award is also yours. 289 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,000 Please stand up... 290 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:52,400 ...the love of my life, Miss Barbara Switzer. 291 00:16:55,500 --> 00:17:01,100 Okay, let's hear it for my girlfriend's lesbian soul mate. 292 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,700 Tonight was so exciting. I feel like there's a weight off my chest. 293 00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:13,400 Yeah. So are you so excited about coming out that you might consider...? 294 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,300 Sleeping with you? Are you kidding? 295 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,200 I had to ask. 296 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,400 - So is that a...? - It's a no, Joey. 297 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,300 I had to take a shot. 298 00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:30,800 So are we still on for that benefit Saturday? 299 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:36,200 I don't think so. I mean, after tonight, Barbara can do that stuff with me. 300 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,700 So no more you and me out on the town? 301 00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,400 Well, I just don't need a beard anymore. 302 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:47,900 I'm sorry, Joey. But I do appreciate everything you've done. 303 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:54,600 I understand. It was always a professional arrangement, you know? 304 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,700 You know what? I'm happy for you guys. 305 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,900 Hey, how about a little champagne, huh? 306 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,500 Nothing? 307 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,500 - Hey. - Hey. 308 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,800 I saw the awards show. So the secret's out. 309 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,400 - Yeah. - What's the matter? 310 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,900 - I thought you wanted her to do that. - Well, I did... 311 00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:20,800 ...but then after, she told me she didn't need a beard anymore. 312 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,200 She shaved me, Alex. 313 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:25,700 I'm sorry. 314 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,500 This whole thing was such a waste of time. 315 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:32,200 I don't know. It's actually kind of nice to see you have feelings for a woman... 316 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,900 ...when sex isn't Involved. 317 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,600 It suggests, dare I say, emotional depth. 318 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:42,400 - Great, kick me while I'm down. - No, that's a good thing. 319 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:46,700 Sensitive men are very... appealing. 320 00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:50,500 Are we? 321 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,400 Well... 322 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:59,600 If I could add sensitivity to my other already well-documented gifts... 323 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,200 ...I could be really impossible to resist. 324 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,000 Could be. 325 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,400 Maybe you should think about that. 326 00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,100 Maybe I will. 327 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,100 I think we're done. 328 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,400 We're too tired to fight anymore. 329 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,900 Okay, great. 330 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:31,500 But before I send you guys home, let me test something. 331 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,600 Gina, look at that stupid shirt Jimmy's wearing. 332 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,100 You look like a moron. 333 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,300 Jimmy, you gonna take that from her? 334 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:43,400 I'm gonna kill you, you bitch. 335 00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,300 Hey, you did it. You've worked through your problems. 336 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:51,700 - You're right. - This is huge for us. 337 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,200 God, is it possible that I feel even closer to you? 338 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:57,400 Is it possible that I want you even more? 339 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,200 I'll kill you, you bitch. 340 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,200 - What? - No? 341 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,300 How does he pull that off? 28726

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