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1
00:00:00,802 --> 00:00:02,302
Ange?
2
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:05,303
No, he's no clue.
I can't wait to see his face!
3
00:00:05,438 --> 00:00:06,918
I know, okay,
we're in the other room.
4
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,351
I'm gonna bring everybody in
in just a minute.
5
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:09,408
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
6
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:10,676
Okay, I have to go, thank you.
7
00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:12,411
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
8
00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:14,380
Happy birthday, bro!
9
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:18,063
- Huh? Check it out.
- Yeah, wow. Thanks man.
10
00:00:18,064 --> 00:00:20,365
Hey, it's too bad
Amy couldn't be here, right?
11
00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:22,244
Hey, are you gonna make it
official with her soon?
12
00:00:22,268 --> 00:00:23,652
What?
13
00:00:23,736 --> 00:00:26,455
Come on, old man,
seven years is a long time.
14
00:00:26,539 --> 00:00:27,656
No.
15
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:28,940
I mean, at this point,
16
00:00:28,992 --> 00:00:30,742
I feel like Amy's more
just like a friend.
17
00:00:30,793 --> 00:00:33,045
- You know, like a bro.
- Yeah.
18
00:00:33,112 --> 00:00:35,447
I don't know,
something just changed.
19
00:00:35,498 --> 00:00:36,632
Like, I'm just done.
20
00:00:36,716 --> 00:00:38,116
You ever feel like
you're just done?
21
00:00:38,134 --> 00:00:39,812
Yeah, is it because
of all the weight she gained?
22
00:00:39,836 --> 00:00:40,919
No.
23
00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:43,555
I mean, she's definitely
put on some pounds,
24
00:00:43,622 --> 00:00:44,673
but that's not even it.
25
00:00:44,757 --> 00:00:46,675
- Yeah.
- Is it the long distance?
26
00:00:46,759 --> 00:00:49,928
No, long distance is the only
reason we're still together now.
27
00:00:49,979 --> 00:00:51,813
Yeah, oh, man.
28
00:00:51,931 --> 00:00:53,649
It just... something turned,
29
00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:55,693
you know, just everything
about her makes me sick.
30
00:00:55,768 --> 00:00:56,652
- Um-hmm.
- Just like, shut up.
31
00:00:56,736 --> 00:00:57,830
- Oh, shut up.
- I can't take it.
32
00:00:57,854 --> 00:00:58,854
Come in, everybody.
33
00:00:58,905 --> 00:00:59,804
Hey, Angie.
34
00:00:59,856 --> 00:01:00,856
What's this?
35
00:01:00,907 --> 00:01:01,950
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no...
36
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:02,974
Come on, get ready, okay?
37
00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:06,862
Ready? One, two, three.
38
00:01:06,946 --> 00:01:08,497
♪ Happy Birth... ♪
39
00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:09,531
Amy?
40
00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:10,666
What are you doing here?
41
00:01:10,750 --> 00:01:12,417
When did you get back from Iraq?
42
00:01:12,485 --> 00:01:15,003
This isn't working for me.
43
00:01:15,121 --> 00:01:18,423
I, I think we should
see other people.
44
00:01:18,491 --> 00:01:20,459
I met somebody else.
45
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:22,711
And so I made the decision,
46
00:01:22,795 --> 00:01:24,513
I don't wanna see you any more.
47
00:01:24,597 --> 00:01:27,099
And this was over.
48
00:01:27,166 --> 00:01:28,850
I paid for this,
I'm bringing it.
49
00:01:28,935 --> 00:01:29,851
No.
50
00:01:29,936 --> 00:01:32,971
Step away from it!
51
00:01:33,022 --> 00:01:36,275
I'm having somebody
come back and get this.
52
00:01:38,444 --> 00:01:40,479
Thank you for your service.
53
00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:52,674
Nothing has changed,
I still dress like (bleep).
54
00:01:52,742 --> 00:01:54,987
They just like, squeeze me in
this right before I came on.
55
00:01:55,011 --> 00:01:57,045
I usually wear American Apparel.
56
00:01:57,096 --> 00:01:58,764
I like to be draped in
sweat pants,
57
00:01:58,848 --> 00:02:00,465
don't you guys feel that way?
58
00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:02,935
I love American Apparel,
I really do.
59
00:02:03,019 --> 00:02:05,270
I like the models
and the marketing.
60
00:02:05,355 --> 00:02:08,223
I like that every shot of them,
it looks like a shot
61
00:02:08,274 --> 00:02:11,727
of the last time
they were ever seen, just...
62
00:02:12,278 --> 00:02:14,596
Help."
63
00:02:14,647 --> 00:02:18,433
Looks like they're waiting for Liam
Neeson at the bottom of a close like...
64
00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:20,319
It's like hostage lighting.
65
00:02:20,403 --> 00:02:23,138
What is the idea?
66
00:02:23,289 --> 00:02:24,650
Like, "Oh, if I buy
these leggings,
67
00:02:24,707 --> 00:02:26,775
will they also
find my body in a swamp?"
68
00:02:26,826 --> 00:02:28,443
Like, why?
69
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,247
So let me get this straight.
70
00:02:32,298 --> 00:02:34,633
It's a road made of ice
and they truck on it.
71
00:02:34,717 --> 00:02:37,502
Bullseye, that's the show,
plain and simple.
72
00:02:37,587 --> 00:02:39,955
You twinks ready to do
some shots, pussies?
73
00:02:40,006 --> 00:02:43,508
Oh-ho-ho, that's so hot,
I love girls like at.
74
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,311
Tequila, no training wheels.
75
00:02:46,429 --> 00:02:49,348
Burger, rare as (bleep).
76
00:02:49,432 --> 00:02:51,934
Oh, yeah, a chick who can
really hang with the guys.
77
00:02:51,985 --> 00:02:54,653
Yeah. That is the best.
78
00:02:54,737 --> 00:02:55,938
A chick who's like super-hot,
79
00:02:55,989 --> 00:02:58,523
but then like, loves Xbox,
down for pizza.
80
00:02:58,608 --> 00:02:59,825
That tomboy thing, you know?
81
00:02:59,909 --> 00:03:01,926
Like, man,
I knew this girl, Joey.
82
00:03:01,928 --> 00:03:04,048
- That's a hot name right there.
- That is a hot name.
83
00:03:04,113 --> 00:03:05,447
Yeah, she was off the charts hot.
84
00:03:05,531 --> 00:03:07,983
She could like beat me in
arm wrestling, you know?
85
00:03:08,034 --> 00:03:10,285
That's like my college girlfriend.
She was crazy hot.
86
00:03:10,336 --> 00:03:12,871
She could recite all of
"Boondock Saints" verbatim
87
00:03:12,956 --> 00:03:15,323
while building a deck,
she was ripped.
88
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:18,427
Murder him, God!
89
00:03:18,878 --> 00:03:20,278
You know, I dated
a chick like that.
90
00:03:20,379 --> 00:03:21,680
I mean, she was like, model hot,
91
00:03:21,764 --> 00:03:23,966
plus she knew everything
about World War Two,
92
00:03:24,017 --> 00:03:25,601
and she had a super strong jaw.
93
00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:27,719
- She had like a lantern jaw.
- Mmm.
94
00:03:27,804 --> 00:03:29,504
Love that tomboy thing.
95
00:03:29,555 --> 00:03:32,674
Hey, you know she reminds me
of my ex, you know, real solid.
96
00:03:32,725 --> 00:03:34,526
I could climb her like a tree.
97
00:03:34,611 --> 00:03:38,229
She made me feel so safe.
I miss her.
98
00:03:38,281 --> 00:03:40,401
Oh, man, there's this chick
at my office, right now...
99
00:03:40,483 --> 00:03:42,401
I can talk to her about Muay Thai.
100
00:03:42,485 --> 00:03:45,320
Plus, she's got just like
a little bit of stubble.
101
00:03:45,371 --> 00:03:46,855
Aah...
102
00:03:46,956 --> 00:03:49,357
- I need to hit that, man.
- Yeah, you do.
103
00:03:49,409 --> 00:03:50,459
That's the dream, right?
104
00:03:50,526 --> 00:03:52,077
That's a fantasy,
like in "Rambo."
105
00:03:52,161 --> 00:03:54,463
The main chick in that
with the headband, hot, right?
106
00:03:54,530 --> 00:03:56,865
Yeah, no, man, but there
are real chicks like that.
107
00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:59,367
Like, I knew this girl Sam
when I lived in Tampa.
108
00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:02,704
She was just naturally not,
like, rough hands, thick neck.
109
00:04:02,755 --> 00:04:05,307
Forehead like a granite counter.
110
00:04:05,374 --> 00:04:07,559
And she worked hanging drywall
for her dad's company,
111
00:04:07,677 --> 00:04:08,844
Murphy and Son.
112
00:04:08,895 --> 00:04:10,178
Yeah, she did.
113
00:04:10,263 --> 00:04:11,430
Ooh, check it out.
114
00:04:11,514 --> 00:04:12,514
Ohh...
115
00:04:16,352 --> 00:04:18,236
My boner just got a boner.
116
00:04:18,297 --> 00:04:20,797
My buddy Goldman has
this girlfriend Glen.
117
00:04:20,823 --> 00:04:22,941
She's like cover of "Maxim" hot.
118
00:04:23,026 --> 00:04:24,910
She does all those fantasy
football pics.
119
00:04:24,994 --> 00:04:27,446
And she has like
this prominent dick.
120
00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:29,247
I'm like, I want...
121
00:04:29,332 --> 00:04:31,366
- That's so (bleep) hot.
- That is so (bleep) hot.
122
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:32,417
To chicks who can hang.
123
00:04:32,452 --> 00:04:33,785
- To chicks who can hang.
- Yes.
124
00:04:33,870 --> 00:04:35,871
Heading to the can.
125
00:04:35,922 --> 00:04:37,289
Gotta make some room.
126
00:04:37,373 --> 00:04:39,908
Ohh...
127
00:04:39,959 --> 00:04:42,761
Wait, should we just
(bleep) each other?
128
00:04:45,381 --> 00:04:46,748
What is your type?
129
00:04:46,799 --> 00:04:48,717
I like, um,
a great sense of humor.
130
00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:52,604
And like some wit and some
intelligence, I don't know, I like...
131
00:04:52,689 --> 00:04:54,806
Girls who read books,
I don't know...
132
00:04:54,891 --> 00:04:56,234
Some intelligence
and things like that.
133
00:04:56,258 --> 00:04:57,642
Would you have sex with me?
134
00:04:57,727 --> 00:04:59,945
Um...
135
00:05:00,029 --> 00:05:02,280
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
136
00:05:02,365 --> 00:05:03,532
What is your type?
137
00:05:03,599 --> 00:05:06,284
I don't have a type, but I
tend to end up with blondes.
138
00:05:06,369 --> 00:05:07,285
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
139
00:05:07,370 --> 00:05:09,431
- Oh my God, that's so weird.
- I know, it is weird, isn't it?
140
00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:10,539
What's your type?
141
00:05:10,623 --> 00:05:13,909
Tall, skater, douchebag.
142
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,545
Hey, do you have a skateboard?
143
00:05:18,497 --> 00:05:19,497
Keep it moving, pal.
144
00:05:19,549 --> 00:05:21,166
What kind of guy do you like?
145
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:22,467
Gay.
146
00:05:24,220 --> 00:05:25,386
They all turn out to be gay.
147
00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:37,840
♪♪♪
I return with libations, as promised.
148
00:05:37,966 --> 00:05:39,466
- Thanks, Liam
- Hey, text me later.
149
00:05:39,592 --> 00:05:42,644
I've been saving up some things I've
been meaning to tell you all day.
150
00:05:44,264 --> 00:05:46,265
- Is that your boyfriend?
- (Bleep) you, no.
151
00:05:46,332 --> 00:05:48,217
Liam's from HelloM'lady.com.
152
00:05:48,301 --> 00:05:49,334
Is that a dating site?
153
00:05:49,386 --> 00:05:50,786
No, it's an app for your
smart phone
154
00:05:50,804 --> 00:05:52,721
that helps you manage
those clingy,
155
00:05:52,806 --> 00:05:54,367
fragile guys who think
they're dating you.
156
00:05:54,391 --> 00:05:57,693
- Wait, are they stalkers?
- God, no, stalkers have balls.
157
00:05:57,777 --> 00:05:59,812
Hello m'lady's just
make you feel guilty.
158
00:05:59,863 --> 00:06:02,031
They do that thing where
they put you on a pedestal
159
00:06:02,115 --> 00:06:03,282
and they dote on you,
160
00:06:03,349 --> 00:06:05,517
even though you've never
expressed any interest.
161
00:06:05,568 --> 00:06:06,829
But why would I wanna
sign up for that?
162
00:06:06,853 --> 00:06:08,386
Just think of it like Turbo Tax.
163
00:06:08,405 --> 00:06:10,155
No one wants to do taxes,
164
00:06:10,206 --> 00:06:12,791
but it is nice to have help
with that inevitable chore.
165
00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:14,126
Hmm.
166
00:06:14,193 --> 00:06:15,244
Hello m'lady notifies you
167
00:06:15,328 --> 00:06:17,696
of the whereabouts
of m'ladies in your area.
168
00:06:17,747 --> 00:06:19,081
The app alerts you when
you've been selected
169
00:06:19,083 --> 00:06:20,532
by one of these human hobbits.
170
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:22,551
You'll receive Cliff Note versions
171
00:06:22,669 --> 00:06:23,919
of his thesis linked emails
172
00:06:24,004 --> 00:06:27,205
listing the things he sees
in you that no one else sees.
173
00:06:27,257 --> 00:06:30,592
This sad-eyed weasel helped
my boyfriend move into my place.
174
00:06:30,677 --> 00:06:33,679
This doughy munchkin flat out
gave me an iPhone.
175
00:06:33,730 --> 00:06:37,149
He said he had a hook-up, but I'm
pretty sure he just paid for it.
176
00:06:38,234 --> 00:06:39,234
It's a text from Liam.
177
00:06:39,269 --> 00:06:43,405
"I wish I kissed you just now."
178
00:06:44,858 --> 00:06:47,225
Oh, gross, I was just chosen.
179
00:06:47,277 --> 00:06:48,517
I don't wanna lead this guy on,
180
00:06:48,528 --> 00:06:50,139
but I don't wanna hurt
his feelings either.
181
00:06:50,163 --> 00:06:51,447
Oh, you can't win.
182
00:06:51,531 --> 00:06:53,332
But the app does send you
a warning text
183
00:06:53,399 --> 00:06:55,499
when he's about
to angrily turn on you.
184
00:06:55,535 --> 00:06:57,169
Warning, m'lady.
185
00:06:57,236 --> 00:06:58,704
Can we talk outside, please?
186
00:06:58,755 --> 00:07:00,789
I think you owe me that much.
187
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:03,459
It's fine, he's just
gonna call me ungrateful
188
00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:04,904
and then ask if he can
hold my hand.
189
00:07:04,928 --> 00:07:07,245
Oh.
190
00:07:07,297 --> 00:07:11,300
It seems you've been abandoned
and I just wanna say...
191
00:07:11,384 --> 00:07:12,434
hello, m'lady.
192
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,386
Oh.
193
00:07:14,437 --> 00:07:16,722
Hello m'lady.
194
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:20,526
(bleep) it.
195
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,560
Hey.
196
00:07:26,316 --> 00:07:27,460
Did you ever know a girl who
thought she was your girlfriend
197
00:07:27,484 --> 00:07:29,618
and she totally wasn't?
198
00:07:29,703 --> 00:07:33,205
Um, no, but I've been
that way on accident.
199
00:07:33,272 --> 00:07:34,350
You thought a girl
was your girlfriend?
200
00:07:34,374 --> 00:07:36,241
- Yeah.
- What happened?
201
00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:37,887
Well, I thought we were dating
for like four months.
202
00:07:37,911 --> 00:07:40,212
And then she cheated on me.
203
00:07:40,279 --> 00:07:42,381
Well, did she if you weren't...
204
00:07:42,448 --> 00:07:43,882
No, apparently not
so it was fine.
205
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,260
Yeah, I guess not,
she just kind of met somebody.
206
00:07:45,284 --> 00:07:46,284
Uh-huh.
207
00:07:46,386 --> 00:07:47,419
You're a sweetheart.
208
00:08:02,502 --> 00:08:04,119
Aged Angus Banger with cheese
209
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:05,370
and a crispy McDalmond chic.
210
00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:06,682
- Fries in the hole.
- Order on five.
211
00:08:06,706 --> 00:08:08,490
Give me more Giggle Meals.
212
00:08:08,541 --> 00:08:09,824
What the hell do you mean
213
00:08:09,876 --> 00:08:11,710
they want apple slices
in the Giggle Meals?
214
00:08:11,794 --> 00:08:13,189
Corporate wants to offer
a healthy option.
215
00:08:13,213 --> 00:08:15,297
- A healthy option?
- Yes, a healthy option.
216
00:08:15,348 --> 00:08:17,748
Well, silly me, I thought we
stood for something around here.
217
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,384
No, Beef ♪♪♪ sales, down.
218
00:08:19,469 --> 00:08:20,769
Giggle Meal sales, down.
219
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:22,170
Fries, Coke, Sprite...
220
00:08:22,288 --> 00:08:23,939
Let met guess, down?
221
00:08:24,006 --> 00:08:25,618
Look, I don't like it
anymore than you do.
222
00:08:25,642 --> 00:08:28,343
But let's play by their rules this
time till we get the ball back.
223
00:08:28,394 --> 00:08:30,623
Jasmine dropped a burger patty
under the soft-serve machine.
224
00:08:30,647 --> 00:08:31,927
Well, fish it out and reheat it.
225
00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:33,782
What is this,
half-past amateur hour?
226
00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:35,734
Wrong side of the bed
this morning, JJ?
227
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:36,952
I sleep on a Futon.
228
00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:38,664
I've been using the same
Brita for three years.
229
00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:39,988
My roommate is a bassist.
230
00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:42,857
You tell corporate I'm not
putting apple slices on my menu.
231
00:08:42,909 --> 00:08:45,661
What's next, no more
chicken beaks in the Everything?
232
00:08:45,712 --> 00:08:48,697
Now you wanna tell me why
you been acting so strange?
233
00:08:48,748 --> 00:08:51,533
This is my first day back,
and I'm nervous around you.
234
00:08:51,584 --> 00:08:53,871
You look good, JJ.
235
00:08:55,555 --> 00:08:56,871
Look, I wrote to you.
236
00:08:56,923 --> 00:08:59,224
The letters came back,
where have you been?
237
00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:02,227
I worked my way up to being
a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
238
00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:05,480
Then one day, I'm stuffing
couscous into a calzone
239
00:09:05,548 --> 00:09:07,983
and I realized
a woman's life is worth nothing
240
00:09:08,050 --> 00:09:11,103
unless she's making
a great man greater.
241
00:09:11,187 --> 00:09:12,887
Let's get one thing straight...
242
00:09:12,939 --> 00:09:14,260
No, let's get
two things straight.
243
00:09:14,324 --> 00:09:16,775
You and me make a good team
and you know it.
244
00:09:16,859 --> 00:09:18,804
And if just for one second
you could drop this whole
245
00:09:18,828 --> 00:09:21,229
damaged goods routine,
we could make this work.
246
00:09:21,263 --> 00:09:22,874
Now, I'm not asking that
you (bleep) bang me
247
00:09:22,898 --> 00:09:24,833
in the back of
my Tercel like it's 1997.
248
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:27,703
I'm just asking for a chance
to make a difference.
249
00:09:27,787 --> 00:09:29,588
That's three things.
250
00:09:29,672 --> 00:09:31,206
That's what you said
in my Tercel.
251
00:09:31,257 --> 00:09:32,674
Guys?
252
00:09:32,742 --> 00:09:33,982
You better take a look at this.
253
00:09:39,849 --> 00:09:42,601
We got a school bus out there.
254
00:09:42,685 --> 00:09:44,019
It's the short kind.
255
00:09:44,086 --> 00:09:46,305
I need Dora the Explorer
figurines ready yesterday.
256
00:09:46,389 --> 00:09:47,917
Throw two in some of the bags,
they'll think it's Christmas.
257
00:09:47,941 --> 00:09:50,142
McCaskell,
defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
258
00:09:50,226 --> 00:09:52,070
No, hold on McCaskell,
you won't need to do that.
259
00:09:52,094 --> 00:09:53,706
They're just gonna want
Giggle Meals and apple slices.
260
00:09:53,730 --> 00:09:54,929
Don't tell me what they want.
261
00:09:54,981 --> 00:09:57,098
There's a Dominican
flag on that dashboard.
262
00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:59,952
This is Angus Bangers and
family-sized curlies the way home.
263
00:10:00,036 --> 00:10:02,237
I know this order, we do
this my way, you understand?
264
00:10:02,288 --> 00:10:03,582
- We lost picture.
- Well, pull it.
265
00:10:03,606 --> 00:10:04,790
Fix the Goddamn feed.
266
00:10:04,874 --> 00:10:05,907
Here comes the order.
267
00:10:05,959 --> 00:10:07,709
We're gonna have to fly blind
on this one.
268
00:10:07,777 --> 00:10:08,910
Ugh!
269
00:10:11,631 --> 00:10:12,914
Jesus, JJ.
270
00:10:15,802 --> 00:10:19,954
Uh, gimme 18 Giggle Meals
271
00:10:20,006 --> 00:10:21,757
or whatever's cheapest.
272
00:10:21,808 --> 00:10:22,924
I've got $30.
273
00:10:22,976 --> 00:10:25,644
Do you want fries or apple slices?
274
00:10:25,728 --> 00:10:27,062
Whatever's fastest.
275
00:10:27,146 --> 00:10:28,847
I'm sorry.
276
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,186
Yes, JJ, apple slices.
277
00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:37,856
That's the post 9/11 world
we live in now.
278
00:10:37,907 --> 00:10:41,777
Unless you change the dialog...
279
00:10:41,828 --> 00:10:45,113
If anyone can do it, you can.
280
00:10:45,164 --> 00:10:47,582
Or doesn't that JJ
work here any more?
281
00:11:01,297 --> 00:11:03,715
Good afternoon, sir,
I'm the manager here.
282
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,852
One of the managers.
283
00:11:06,936 --> 00:11:09,888
I'm afraid we're not gonna be
able to give apple slices today.
284
00:11:09,972 --> 00:11:11,033
Yeah, whatever, no one cares.
285
00:11:11,057 --> 00:11:12,284
You know, there was a time
in this country
286
00:11:12,308 --> 00:11:15,828
when apples were for
feeding horses.
287
00:11:16,312 --> 00:11:18,513
When McDalmond's was more
than just a parking lot
288
00:11:18,614 --> 00:11:20,532
where people met to buy Ritalin.
289
00:11:20,535 --> 00:11:24,035
People weren't obese.
They were just fat.
290
00:11:24,070 --> 00:11:26,538
And if you wanted an apple,
291
00:11:26,656 --> 00:11:31,058
you'd have to eat a pie.
292
00:11:31,077 --> 00:11:33,545
That's why I'm not gonna
give you what you ordered.
293
00:11:33,612 --> 00:11:37,215
No, today, I'm gonna give you
3800 calories
294
00:11:37,283 --> 00:11:40,585
of the greatest Goddamn
country in the world.
295
00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:44,641
Pull ahead.
296
00:11:47,927 --> 00:11:49,144
JJ?
297
00:11:49,228 --> 00:11:51,596
Someone emptied their butt
in the women's bathroom.
298
00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:56,518
Hand me my mop.
299
00:11:59,072 --> 00:12:02,807
Ugh, there is a lot
of (bleep) in here.
300
00:12:10,366 --> 00:12:12,868
Is the internet working for you?
301
00:12:12,952 --> 00:12:16,872
Mmm, let me see.
302
00:12:17,039 --> 00:12:18,656
No.
303
00:12:18,708 --> 00:12:20,292
Give me my phone, I'll call.
304
00:12:22,462 --> 00:12:24,129
Uh, maybe it's better if I call.
305
00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:27,766
No, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not gonna freak out.
306
00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:29,113
I'm in like a really good place.
307
00:12:29,168 --> 00:12:30,352
You sure?
308
00:12:30,436 --> 00:12:34,339
Oh my God, it's a phone call,
like, relax.
309
00:12:39,078 --> 00:12:40,178
You got this, girl.
310
00:12:45,802 --> 00:12:48,921
Please listen carefully
as our menu has changed.
311
00:12:48,972 --> 00:12:50,205
For English, please press one.
312
00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:52,023
English.
313
00:12:52,074 --> 00:12:53,435
Are you currently
a Time Warner Cable customer?
314
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:54,659
Yes.
315
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:55,544
Do you want help
with your account?
316
00:12:55,661 --> 00:12:56,995
Yes.
317
00:12:57,046 --> 00:12:59,831
Did you say you want
to add a land line?
318
00:12:59,882 --> 00:13:01,699
Representative.
319
00:13:01,751 --> 00:13:03,151
All of our representatives
are busy.
320
00:13:03,236 --> 00:13:05,670
Please hold for the next
available representative.
321
00:13:13,813 --> 00:13:15,814
Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
322
00:13:15,865 --> 00:13:17,843
This is Janardhan, may I have
your account number, please?
323
00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:20,502
Okay, it's 1-6-1-9...
324
00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:22,765
Please hold while I look up the
first half of your account number.
325
00:13:22,789 --> 00:13:24,269
Oh, yeah, that doesn't
make any sense.
326
00:13:24,323 --> 00:13:26,375
(beeping)
Please don't leave me... Hello?
327
00:13:28,461 --> 00:13:30,129
Aah, you're fine.
328
00:13:32,365 --> 00:13:34,817
Come on, God.
329
00:13:37,387 --> 00:13:40,338
Hello, Janardhan, Janardhan!
330
00:13:40,390 --> 00:13:43,559
No, (bleep) no (bleep) ass
(bleep) my whole (bleep).
331
00:13:43,643 --> 00:13:46,178
Janardhan!
332
00:13:46,312 --> 00:13:51,116
.. (bleep)!
333
00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:55,287
English.
334
00:13:55,354 --> 00:13:57,873
Representative.
335
00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:01,493
Person! Human person!
336
00:14:03,746 --> 00:14:05,307
Thank you for calling
Time Warner cable.
337
00:14:05,331 --> 00:14:06,198
This is Janardhan, may I help...
338
00:14:06,249 --> 00:14:10,419
1-6-1-9-6-3-4.
339
00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:12,554
I need your account
number, please.
340
00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:15,474
Janardhan, just be real
right now, man.
341
00:14:15,558 --> 00:14:18,477
Be real!
342
00:14:18,544 --> 00:14:20,573
Ma'am, let me transfer you
to our transfer department.
343
00:14:20,597 --> 00:14:21,480
- What?
- Please hold for...
344
00:14:21,564 --> 00:14:22,564
No-no-no-no-no!
345
00:14:22,649 --> 00:14:25,217
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
346
00:14:25,268 --> 00:14:26,718
No, Janardhan!
347
00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:28,237
Janardhan!
348
00:14:28,321 --> 00:14:31,723
(bleeps)
349
00:14:34,627 --> 00:14:39,248
I mean, I was gonna go back
to school but like, for what?
350
00:14:39,332 --> 00:14:40,949
Like, for what?
351
00:14:41,034 --> 00:14:42,951
We're all going to
the same place, anyway.
352
00:14:43,036 --> 00:14:47,572
We have our relationships.
353
00:14:47,624 --> 00:14:50,375
Like that's all we have
in this world.
354
00:14:50,426 --> 00:14:51,426
That's who we are.
355
00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:52,794
(beeping)
356
00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:56,248
We'll need the serial number of
the first modem you ever owned.
357
00:14:56,349 --> 00:14:58,917
(bleep) you, Janardhan!
358
00:14:59,052 --> 00:15:01,019
(bleep) you.
359
00:15:01,087 --> 00:15:02,754
And what was the nickname
360
00:15:02,805 --> 00:15:04,333
your mother gave you
when you were seven?
361
00:15:04,357 --> 00:15:07,726
I know you're probably
like a really good guy.
362
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:10,946
It's not your fault,
you're probably like...
363
00:15:11,097 --> 00:15:14,483
You have interests
and you probably have like
364
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:18,036
a family or like a cat
or something, but like...
365
00:15:18,121 --> 00:15:19,538
(bleep) you.
366
00:15:21,074 --> 00:15:24,576
Like, why are you doing this
to us, Janardhan?
367
00:15:35,755 --> 00:15:39,892
♪ But I'm in so deep ♪
368
00:15:39,959 --> 00:15:45,264
♪ You know I'm such
a fool for you ♪
369
00:15:45,315 --> 00:15:50,185
♪ You got me wrapped around
your finger, ah, ha, ha ♪
370
00:15:50,270 --> 00:15:53,155
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
371
00:15:53,239 --> 00:15:55,824
♪ Do you have to,
do you have to ♪
372
00:15:55,909 --> 00:15:59,745
♪ Do you have
to let it linger? ♪
373
00:15:59,812 --> 00:16:06,168
♪ Oh I thought
the world of you ♪
374
00:16:06,252 --> 00:16:11,423
♪ I thought nothing
could go wrong ♪
375
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:13,875
♪ But I was wrong ♪
376
00:16:13,877 --> 00:16:17,763
♪ I was wrong if you ♪
377
00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:21,099
♪ if you could get by ♪
378
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,935
♪ trying not to lie ♪
379
00:16:23,019 --> 00:16:24,502
I love you, Janardhan.
380
00:16:24,554 --> 00:16:26,138
I love you too, Mrs. Scuva.
381
00:16:28,107 --> 00:16:30,108
Do it.
382
00:16:30,176 --> 00:16:31,610
♪ And I wouldn't feel so used ♪
383
00:16:36,282 --> 00:16:41,019
Oh, the router just needed
to be restarted.
384
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,155
Cool.
385
00:16:50,756 --> 00:16:51,541
Yeah, ok. Well...
386
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:54,581
I'm about, you know,
5,3, I'm really petite
387
00:16:54,607 --> 00:16:59,227
and I have long, long blonde hair
and I have bright blue eyes
388
00:16:59,294 --> 00:17:01,429
and pouty mouth
that's perfect for sucking.
389
00:17:01,496 --> 00:17:02,908
You know, I don't know if that
did it for you, but I'm just...
390
00:17:02,932 --> 00:17:05,183
This is all doing it for me.
391
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,769
So Jennifer, you were
a phone sex operator.
392
00:17:07,836 --> 00:17:08,836
Yes, I was.
393
00:17:08,888 --> 00:17:10,805
Were you nervous
your first couple calls?
394
00:17:10,856 --> 00:17:12,774
Yes, you know, I'd been
around the block enough.
395
00:17:12,841 --> 00:17:14,508
Like, I've had enough sex
to know what...
396
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,338
Sure, I'm not stranger
to a (bleep) but, still.
397
00:17:16,362 --> 00:17:20,315
What was the most typical
fantasy that a guy would want?
398
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:22,617
A lot of people wanted
the girlfriend experience.
399
00:17:22,684 --> 00:17:23,851
What does that mean?
400
00:17:23,903 --> 00:17:25,453
Someone to actually
like talk to them
401
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,071
as if they're in a relationship.
402
00:17:27,156 --> 00:17:31,025
So would you just like complain
and be like mad at them?
403
00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:35,196
My character, actually, she was
like a college coed sex kitten.
404
00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:36,581
Now, they had picked her for me.
405
00:17:36,665 --> 00:17:37,665
Like I didn't have...
406
00:17:37,716 --> 00:17:39,050
Oh, they assigned you
a character.
407
00:17:39,134 --> 00:17:41,085
They assigned me somebody
based on my voice.
408
00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:43,371
Samantha, that was
my character...
409
00:17:43,422 --> 00:17:44,515
Samantha was somebody
before she was you.
410
00:17:44,539 --> 00:17:45,873
Samantha was some... Yes.
411
00:17:45,925 --> 00:17:48,343
Whoever was working her before,
I guess, they quit,
412
00:17:48,394 --> 00:17:50,378
got fired, who knows,
so I had to come in.
413
00:17:50,495 --> 00:17:51,712
Murder?
Let's hope not.
414
00:17:51,764 --> 00:17:53,014
I just remember one call I got.
415
00:17:53,065 --> 00:17:54,899
He wanted me to be like
five different people.
416
00:17:54,984 --> 00:17:56,317
He's like,
"We're at a pool party
417
00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:58,330
and we're hanging out with
friends and then you and I
418
00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,855
are gonna go into
the laundry room and have sex."
419
00:18:00,906 --> 00:18:02,300
And I said to him,
"Why don't we just go
420
00:18:02,324 --> 00:18:04,359
and start in the laundry room?"
421
00:18:04,410 --> 00:18:06,221
And he's like, "Well, no,
we have to talk to people."
422
00:18:06,245 --> 00:18:07,395
There's location change?
423
00:18:07,446 --> 00:18:08,947
Is this "Prairie Home Companion?"
424
00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:10,498
Like why is he making you
do this?
425
00:18:10,565 --> 00:18:12,510
He wanted to... at one point,
I had to be like the person...
426
00:18:12,534 --> 00:18:13,918
Like, "Hey, does anybody
need drinks, you know?
427
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,420
I'm going to the kitchen."
428
00:18:15,504 --> 00:18:18,339
And then I'm like, "Yeah, well,
I can get something," you know?
429
00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:21,092
And I also had props.
430
00:18:21,176 --> 00:18:22,243
Now that's a huge thing.
431
00:18:22,294 --> 00:18:23,855
Oh, yeah, what,
to make noise and stuff?
432
00:18:23,879 --> 00:18:26,431
Yes, I had a book and a spatula,
433
00:18:26,515 --> 00:18:28,016
and just bang that, you know,
434
00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:29,968
kind of sounds like
ass slapping.
435
00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:33,354
And grapefruit or an orange.
436
00:18:33,422 --> 00:18:36,140
I'd cut it in half,
squeeze it up to the phone.
437
00:18:36,225 --> 00:18:38,059
Just kind if, you know,
if you can imagine.
438
00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:39,944
- I can.
- It works, put it that way.
439
00:18:40,029 --> 00:18:41,762
Is there anything
that you said no to?
440
00:18:41,814 --> 00:18:44,365
One person was asking me
to be like a Girl Scout
441
00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:45,950
and sell Girl Scout cookies.
442
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:47,568
But those are good cookies.
443
00:18:47,619 --> 00:18:48,847
Yeah, they're very good cookies.
444
00:18:48,871 --> 00:18:50,348
- They're almost the best.
- And you get gifts too.
445
00:18:50,372 --> 00:18:52,106
You do?
You can get gifts?
446
00:18:52,157 --> 00:18:54,042
Yes, you sign...
A lot of them want you
447
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:57,078
to sell your panties
or sell something personal.
448
00:18:57,162 --> 00:18:58,713
That's a big no-no.
449
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:00,798
Oh, I was like, "Sure."
450
00:19:00,883 --> 00:19:02,116
So I thought about it.
451
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:04,287
I'm gonna auction off these
Spanx for a blood diamond.
452
00:19:05,421 --> 00:19:06,564
Can you teach me
how to have phone sex?
453
00:19:06,588 --> 00:19:07,672
Well, the first thing...
454
00:19:07,756 --> 00:19:08,900
You just have to be
comfortable, okay?
455
00:19:08,924 --> 00:19:10,174
Okay.
456
00:19:10,259 --> 00:19:12,844
And so I'd say,
"Um, hey, okay, so I've got on
457
00:19:12,928 --> 00:19:15,847
"some stockings right now
with a garter belt.
458
00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:18,799
"And I've got on some really,
really tiny pink panties.
459
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,485
"And it's a thong in the back.
460
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:23,304
And, um, I want you
to come over and take it off."
461
00:19:23,355 --> 00:19:24,856
Wow.
462
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,084
So, that's what
they'd want to hear.
463
00:19:26,108 --> 00:19:27,275
Guys?
464
00:19:27,326 --> 00:19:28,425
Do you talk lot of (bleep)
now when you have sex?
465
00:19:28,444 --> 00:19:30,978
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.
466
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:33,247
What's your record
for the shortest call?
467
00:19:33,315 --> 00:19:35,316
Shortest call,
I was proud of myself.
468
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,951
They bought a ten
and I did it in three.
469
00:19:39,288 --> 00:19:40,488
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
470
00:19:43,692 --> 00:19:45,526
I got stopped by TMZ
the other day.
471
00:19:45,545 --> 00:19:47,028
Thank you.
472
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,483
Oh, stop... I think they thought
I was Paula Deen, but still.
473
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,135
We have the same politics,
whatever.
474
00:19:54,202 --> 00:19:55,553
I was psyched.
475
00:19:55,637 --> 00:19:58,389
I know if TMZ stops you,
you're supposed to be like,
476
00:19:58,473 --> 00:20:00,207
"I'm busy, how dare you."
477
00:20:00,259 --> 00:20:01,519
But I was like,
"What's up, what's going on,
478
00:20:01,543 --> 00:20:04,512
I got time, what's up?"
479
00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,931
And then he asked me
like a slut question
480
00:20:07,015 --> 00:20:09,650
'cause I'm the "It" girl
for that, and, uh...
481
00:20:09,718 --> 00:20:13,154
And he was like... He asked me
about a product called Instead.
482
00:20:13,221 --> 00:20:15,356
You've never heard of it, right,
I never heard of it.
483
00:20:15,407 --> 00:20:18,276
It is a product for women,
you buy it at the drug store.
484
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,255
So you put it in so you can have
sex when you have your period
485
00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:21,612
and not even tell the guy.
486
00:20:21,697 --> 00:20:24,115
I know, I was like, "Ew."
487
00:20:24,199 --> 00:20:25,232
Right?
488
00:20:25,284 --> 00:20:27,067
I am super old-school
with that stuff.
489
00:20:27,169 --> 00:20:28,502
I just do the whole, like, oops,
490
00:20:28,570 --> 00:20:31,589
I must've just gotten the thing,
you know?
491
00:20:35,677 --> 00:20:38,247
Oh, no.
492
00:20:40,299 --> 00:20:41,716
Or I'll pretend like
I was a virgin.
493
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:45,269
I'm like,
"Are you mad, it hurts."
494
00:20:47,864 --> 00:20:51,041
Where's the can?
I'm gonna empty out my bowels.
495
00:20:55,364 --> 00:20:56,831
So Easy.
496
00:20:56,898 --> 00:20:58,065
Mmm, magic.
36654
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