All language subtitles for Family Guy - 10x05 - Back to the Pilot.720p HDTV.DIMENSION.en

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x05 ♪
Back to the Pilot
Original Air Date on November 13, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Oh, hey,
there you are.

Hey, listen, I got something
really cool I want you to see.

What is it?

This.
I found it in the yard.

A tennis ball.

That's very impressive, Brian.

Yeah, but don't tell the other
dogs in the neighborhood.

They'll be jealous.

You son of a bitch.

And this is nothing.

There's one tennis
ball out there

that's even cooler
'cause I peed on it.

Buried it years ago.

I just can't
remember where.

I'd give anything
to find it, though.

Well, if you could recall
exactly when you buried it,

I suppose I could
help you out.

I remember the exact day.

January 31, 1999.

Very well, follow me, Brian.

Watch out for Ernie.

He's getting a CAT scan.

Well, here we are.

That's odd.

It's our house, but somehow
it looks a little different.

Mom, my lips
are too thin.

Can I please get
collagen injections?

Meg, you don't need
to change the way you look.

You know, most of
the world's problems

stem from poor self-image.

Oh, my God,
what's with Meg's voice?

She sounds like someone

who's about to give up
a huge opportunity.

That's nothing.
Look at you.

You look like a prize at some
Mexican church carnival.

Excellent.

The mind control device
is nearing completion.

Stewie, I said
no toys at the table.

Damn you, vile woman!

You've impeded my work
since the day

I escaped from
your wretched womb.

Oh, don't pout, honey.

You know, when you were born,
the doctor said you were

the happiest looking baby
he'd ever seen.

But of course.

That was my victory day.

The fruition
of my deeply-laid plans

to escape from that cursed
ovarian bastille.

Return the device, woman!

Geez. What, did you carry
a thesaurus around with you?

You know, it's amazing
I could speak at all

with that circumcision
still healing.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie.

That's the spot!

That's where I buried
my tennis ball!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Brian, what
are you doing?

You can't dig
it up here.

Just make a mental note
of where you buried it,

and as soon as we're
back in the present,

you can dig it up then.

- Why?
- Because we can't risk

doing anything that
alters the past.

You know, I never got that.

I mean, w-wouldn't you want
to alter the past?

I mean, you could make life
better for yourself.

And not just for yourself,
for everyone.

You-You could stop 9/11.

Brian, there's one rule
of time travel, and that is:

Do not alter the past in any way

or the consequences
could be dire.

Yeah, where'd
you hear that?

Quantum Leap.

That guy changed the past
all the time!

Whoa, ass ahoy.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00

and you've still
got your pants on.

What's the occasion?

Ew, I remember this.

Peter's eye did
that weird creepy thing

where it went
over his nose.

Come on, you're
worrying about nothing.

Oh? Remember when
you got drunk

off the communion wine
at church?

Ah! Ew! Gross!

Look at that.

Wait, what are
they doing?

I don't know.

They're just standing there
like zombies.

Do you think
they're all right?

I-I'm not sure.

And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.

They're doing it again.
What the hell?

I-I'm at a loss.

I mean, I know we're not
supposed to mess with

the timeline, but should
we call an ambulance?

That is so creepy.

And remember you had
an Irish coffee

the day we went
to see Philadelphia?

Oh. They're do-- they're
setting up (bleep) cutaways.

Oh, my God, is that
what we did back then?

Yeah, I mean,
now, we just like

return text messages
and screw around and whatnot.

Lois, I'm not going
back to work tomorrow.

That new boss
has it in for me.

He's meaner than
a shifty salesman.

You sure you got time
to smoke?

Oh, yeah,
it's an Al Harrington.

It goes on for a while.

All right, look, we found out
where your ball is buried.

Now let's get back
to our own time.

Okay, get the return pad.
Let's go.

Not out here
in the open.

Someone could see us.

Remember? No altering
the timeline?

Come on, let's
get up to my room.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie,
I got to take a leak.

Will it screw up
the timeline

if my future pee goes
in a past toilet?

Uh, no, as long as
it goes in the toilet.

One splash on
a magazine in there,

and we're getting
chased by dinosaurs.

Huh. Looks more or less
the same.

Oh, my God, my Japanese
children's books.

I forgot about these.

You Poop Now.

Horton Hears a Suicide.

The Little Engine That Will,
Or Get Great Shame.

Oh, there you are.

All right,
come on, Brian.

Let's get
out of here.

Blast, that draggle-tailed,

blunt-edged,
matriarchal despot!

Who the deuce
does she think she is?!

Quick, Brian, hide!

I shall cleverly disguise this
lethal plasma disruptor device

as a tuna fish sandwich,
whereupon I shall end

that wretched woman's
Draconian reign of tyranny!

Oh. Hey.

Who the deuce
are you?

Uh, well, I'm, uh...
I'm you.

You look like me, but
that's utterly impossible.

I'm afraid it's true.

I'm you from the future.

I've traveled back in time.

That's absurd.

Look, I can prove to you
that I'm you from the future.

I know about
the Eddie Bauer catalog.

It is you!

Okay, bye, Lois.

I'm going to the stag party.

Brian, you might as well
come out now.

He knows everything.

Uh-oh.

Brian, are you
all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Where'd you get that?

The Stewie from
the past has

a lot more gadgets
and things than I do.

I've kind of slacked
off a little bit.

How's the party?
Looks like fun.

Hey, who wants to play
"Drink the Beer"?

Right here.

- You win!
- All right!

- What do I win?
- Another beer!

Okay, take a last look,
'cause we're out of here.

Oh, look at that.

There's the old gang
we've gotten to know

so well over the years.

TV's not even
plugged in.

What is this?

Where the
hell are we?

The air is electric

here at Super Bowl 33 tonight.

- Stewie, what's going on?
- I don't know.

For some reason,
the time machine

didn't take us
back to the present.

We're still in 1999.

Wait a minute.
I remember this.

I think I'm up
in that blimp.

Amazing. You can
barely drive a car,

and yet you were
allowed to fly a blimp?

Yeah, America's
great, isn't it?

'Cept for the South.

Oh, no wonder the return pad
didn't take us all the way.

The batteries
are almost depleted.

Are those D batteries?

Yes, ever since we had
that trouble in Germany,

I found a way to convert it

so it takes D batteries
instead of uranium.

Only problem is, I didn't
bring any cash with me.

Did you?

I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.

Oh, my God!
Quick, grab some money!

Do you, do you
have pockets?

Are you putting that
in pockets?

That's so cute.

The crowd is storming the field!

This is pandemonium!

Quick, Brian, get on!

Whoa, crash ahoy.

Oh, God!
Now where are we?

Well, you know, I figured
the sooner I cashed the check,

the sooner they'd, uh,
catch their mistake.

Look, why are we making
a federal case out of this?

Oh, man, this
is the day

Peter went to court
for his welfare fraud.

Hey.

Huh? Oh, hey.

You're the Kool-Aid Guy.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Just waiting.

For what?

I'm just waiting,
dude-- relax.

Hey, is there any place around
here that sells batteries?

Guys, d-don't
distract me, all right?

I gotta really be up.

Mr. Griffin, I think your
words have touched us all.

I'm sentencing you
to 24 months in prison!

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

So there's no organs
or glands or anything, right?

It's just the liquid?

Yeah. Yeah, it's
just the liquid.

Um, I don't know
if this is a weird question,

but... can I have some?

All right, fine.
Tilt your head back,

and I'll lean my liquid
down into your mouth.

Oh, now I don't want it.

Oh, crap!
Did I miss it?!

Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times;

he may even be downright,
well, stupid,

but I know he only accepted
that money because he...

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

You guys did this!

You guys (bleep) did this!

Talking about my guts?!

me up?!
you!

Okay, this is good.

We got the
D batteries.

Let's get back
to the present.

All right, get on.

We made it.

Yeah, the Super Bowl
was cool,

but frankly, no Tommy Brady,
no Stewie likey.

Brian, there you are!

Come quick,
they're about to announce

the unveiling of
your statue on the news.

Statue?! For what?

What do you think,
Mr. National Hero?

For stopping the 9/11 terrorist
attacks and saving our country.

Oh, you--

I can't even express
how mad I am at you right now.

If it wasn't for you,

those planes would've hit
the World Trade Center.

Brian, what the hell
did you do?!

I, uh, may have told my
former self about 9/11.

What did I tell you
about altering the past?!

Wait-Wait, when did you
even do that?

Well, you remember when I said
I was going to take a leak?

Brian, you shouldn't
have done that.

Who knows what unforeseen
consequences are awaiting us.

Saddam Hussein
could be president.

Mexico could be the world's
dominant super power.

Cookie Monster could have
invented Facebook!

What is this?

Cookiebook.

Brian!

Hurry, it's starting!

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Our top story: Quahog prepares
to unveil a new statue

commemorating perhaps
its greatest hero ever.

That's right, Tom.

It was ten years ago that an
almost inconceivable plot

to destroy the
World Trade Center

was thwarted by Quahog's
own Brian Griffin.

This amateur video
captured Griffin's heroism

in the face of a shadowy
terrorist organization called--

holy (bleep),
look at all those vowels--

Al Qua-aye-eeda.

Here.
Make sure you get all this.

Time to terrorize
the terrorists.

Ugh. You prepared
catch phrases for yourself?

No. Not necessarily.

Mohammed Atta stayed home.

Nobody knows
that guy's name yet.

You're using information
that nobody knows.

Houston, we have a solution.

Houston's for space,
not everyday air travel.

Tell them to ground every plane
out of the East Coast.

Seacrest out.

Wow. What a hero.

Coming up next in sports:

Arizona Cardinal
Pat Tillman

tackled by his own team?

Oh, Brian,
we're so proud of you.

Yeah, buddy.

Great job stopping
those terrorists.

And thank God
their follow-up attack

on St. Louis was a bust.

We missed!

Brian, I promise you,
all of this can only end badly.

Stewie, it's fine.

I prevented 9/11.

How could that possibly
be a bad thing?

I mean, come on, I-I
saved, like, 200 lives.

3,000.

Wow! 3,000?!

Oh, you knew what you
were doing there.

This major
breaking news just in.

Nine Southern states
have declared

that they are seceding
from the United States.

The announcement came

from former President
George W. Bush,

who reformed
the Confederacy

after a bitter loss in
his 2004 reelection bid.

Bush lost in 2004?

Yeah, he probably
couldn't

exploit people's
fears with no 9/11.

Bush appeared
before the press today

to make this brief statement.

If anyone out there can get

their hands
on a clown's suitcase,

I'd very much like to see
what's inside of there.

I think we have the wrong clip.

What? No?

It... this...?

Uh, okay,
that was George W. Bush

declaring civil war
on the Northern states.

Oh, my God!
Civil war?

See, Brian?

This is exactly
what I was talking about.

Look, Stewie, this
doesn't necessarily mean

things are going
to turn out badly.

In fact, I bet, five
years from now,

the world will still be
better off for what I did.

Is that so?

Well, Brian, if you're
that sure of yourself,

then let's go five years
into the future,

and you can prove me wrong.
Fine.

Wow. This is
the future?

Everything
looks slicker.

Hey, Lois, I found some
double-sided tape.

I think I can do about
seven minutes worth

of funny stuff
with it.

That should get us to the
Meg kissing booth story.

Wow. Things have gotten
kind of lazy, huh?

Hey, Peter.

Thanks for letting me
borrow your screwdriver set.

You know, I just want to say
how nice it is

to be back here with y'all
on Spooner Street.

Oh, I guess things
didn't work out in Virginia.

Chris, I heard you got a
"D" on your report card.

Here's a cutaway.

Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Good Lord!
What's happened to us?

Okay, maybe things
seem a little off,

but other than that,
the world seems okay.

Which proves my point.

Me stopping 9/11 led to a
world that's just fine.

Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Brian, you might want
to look outside.

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe!

Pebble in my shoe.
Pebble in my shoe.

Nice work, Bri.

Whoops.

Well, at least Joe
gets to be a cyborg.

Freeze, Frogmire.

You are out past curfew,

and therefore, in violation
of local ordinance.

Ribbity.

What the hell happened?

Could I really have
caused all this?

It says here that the new
American civil war

you set into motion
ended up in a series

of concentrated nuclear strikes
all along the Eastern Seaboard.

It killed 17 million people.

Oh.

- Including Cesar Millan.
- No!

Okay, okay, I get it--
Stewie, I screwed up.

All right? I shouldn't
have altered the past.

Is there anything
we can do?

Well, the only way
to fix this is to return

to the moment when we
first arrived in the past

and stop you from spilling
the beans about 9/11.

Okay. Okay,
let's do it.

Whoa, ass ahoy.

All right, look,
there we are.

Hey, uh,
Peter, it's 7:00

and you've still
got your pants on.

What's the
occasion?

Stop!
Both of you!

What the hell?
Who are you?

We're you,
from the future.

Oh, boy, this can't
be good news.

Who screwed up?
Take a wild guess.

- What did I do?
- Well, nothing yet, but listen.

Whatever you do,
you cannot tell

your former self--
that Brian-- about 9/11.

If you do, America as you
know it will cease to exist.

My God, Brian.
What the hell?

We've been here
two minutes,

and already you've
destroyed America.

Okay, okay. I promise
I won't say anything.

Also, if you don't give
that Stewie a back rub,

it really messes
everything up.

All right,
can we go now?

Did that do it?

Did we restore
the past?

Well, let's check.

"9/11."

Oh, there it is.

We did it, Brian.

We made 9/11 happen.

High five! All right!
All right!

Yeah!
High five!

Wow, that...
that probably

wouldn't look very good
out of context.

There's the writer
of the Harry Potter series.

Must be weird hanging out
with us Muggles, huh, Brian?

Yeah.

Well, laundrium insertum.

Huh?

Oh, my God.

All right, you obviously
have no self-control,

so we've got to go back
and do this again.

Whoa, ass ahoy.

All right, let's go.

Hey, uh, Peter,
it's 7:00

and you've still
got your pants on.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
We were just here.

Wait!

Who the devil
are you?

We're from the future.
So are we.

We're from
the further future.

We came to stop you.

Why?
What they did

actually turns out
to be damage-free.

It's what you're about to do--
stopping them--

that causes utter bedlam.

Oh, come on.

Wait!
Stop!

We're from the further
further future.

What you guys do
eventually works out.

It's what you two
are about to do

that ruins everything!

Stop!
Don't do anything!

Oh, for
God's sake.

We're from the further
further further future.

What these two do
is fine.

It's what you two do
that makes things worse.

- Stop!
- Wait!

- Hold it!
- Stop!

- Wait!
- No!

Hold it!
Stop!

I don't know what
I'm doing here.

I'm just looking
for the can.

- Don't move!
- Hold it!

- Freeze!
- Stop!

- Wait!
- No!

Oh, for God's sake, why?

This is why!

- Don't move!
- Hold it!

- Freeze!
- Stop!

- No!
- Wait!

Oh, my God.
What's that?

I don't know
what happened.

This is life
for some reason.

Don't do whatever
you're about to do.

God help us.

This is no
way to live.

No, don't do it!
Halt!

All right, everybody,
shut the hell up!

All right, this is (bleep),
all right?

I can't follow
what's going on anymore,

and I'm assuming
the rest of you can't, either.

So let's make this easy
and take a vote.

How many think
we should prevent 9/11?

Raise your hands.

One, two, three, four, five
six, seven, eight, nine...

Okay, all right, looks like 42.

All right, who votes "yes 9/11?"

Okay, all right, 57.

All right, 9/11 wins.

Wait, wait, shouldn't it
be an even number?

Why is the total
an odd number?

Oh, yeah, I think one
of the Brians died.

What? What do you mean?
I don't know-- one of them

landed here
with its throat slit.

But wait,
if one of me is dead,

then shouldn't all
the me's be dead?

Brian, I-I don't...
I... it's...

I don't... I don't
know anymore. I-I...

You know what?
I guess not. A-All right?

Okay, listen up--
everybody, get back

in your individual time machines
very carefully.

Nobody touch anything.

No Harry Potter novels.

Don't step on a bug.

Don't give earlier yous
investment advice.

Just go back to where you
came from, and stay there!

There.

Now, we're going
to do what we

should have done
in the first place.

Get on.

Wait a minute.
Isn't this where we just were?

Where are
the other two us's?

They're not here yet.

Just to make sure there are
absolutely no loose ends,

I've sent us back in time
to the moment

just before you and I
originally arrived.

Why?
You'll see.

Get the (bleep) back
in your time machine!

Aah!
Who are you?

Never mind who I am!

Just get back
in your time machine,

get back to the present,
and stay there!

Look, just calm down.
Aah!

You gonna flap your lips
or you gonna do what I said?

Okay, okay!

All right! God!

You just talked
to yourself.

Won't that
alter the past?

Don't worry, Brian.

If I was successful
in restoring the past just now,

you and I will never
have existed.

The chronological tangent
that created us

will have been erased.

Oh. Is it going to hurt?

Just a little.

Ow.

Oh, God, my leg
is killing me.

Well, time travel
is risky.

Every time you step
into that machine,

you invite the
possibility

of altering the
world as we know it.

Thankfully, the
alternate versions of us

were there to prevent
us from doing

whatever it is we
apparently did.

I wonder what it was.
We'll never know.

But look on the
bright side.

You might be sitting here
with a hole in your leg,

but at least our present
universe hasn't been affected.

Sorry, guys.
I'm gonna need the couch.

The gang and I
are gonna watch the game.

All right, let's unplug
the TV and get going.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==