All language subtitles for American.Loser.2007.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Okay, so our next act,
a very funny man.

Please make him feel welcome.
Jeff Nichols.

[applause]

Hi. My name is Jeff,

and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.

I have severe
learning disabilities,

which have plagued me
my whole life.

I've been diagnosed
with ADD, dyslexia,

and a mild case of
Tourette's Syndrome.

I have trouble balancing,
which doctors have told me

is inner ear related,
but it's not.

It's more associated
with the word "balance"

than with balance itself.

The good news is that none
of these problems, however,

are the result
of my addiction to alcohol.

I've been sober
for almost ten years.

[applause]

I've always wanted
to do good, you know?

- Kind of be a hero.
- [snickers]

Even on the day
that made me get sober,

I started out with
the best intentions.

My mommy had lined up
a job for me.

All I had to do was
pass the interview.

Sorry.

Oh, it's--

Got it.

It's--

- Good morning.
- Morning.

I already put the shirt on.
I'm just gonna wear it.

Right. One yellow Oxford.

Yellow?

Yellow? I thought
this was white.

No. It's yellow.

It is. It is yellow.

I don't-- Maybe I should
get a white one.

You know, I've got
a big job interview today.

It's just that these guys,
they wear traditional
white Oxford shirts.

It's kind of the standard,
you know?

I think the yellow
looks nicer on you.

How can you tell if you like it
better if you haven't seen me
in the white?

I can tell when your face
is red, so the yellow
tones it down a bit.

It's cute.

You don't think
it's too yellow, do you?

No.

This is very important,
you know.

I'm thinking
maybe I should get both.

No. I think
I should get white.

Listen, if you want
the white one,
it's right there.

You can just grab it.

I don't want to create
a problem for you. I just--

[sighs]
I don't know.

I should get a white one.

Can you just tell me
one more time--

do you like the yellow?

I do. Yes.

Promise?

Yes, I promise.

Hey. How are you?

Uh, Jeff Nichols.
I'm here for the interview.

Just sit down
with the others.

[Jeff]
Fuck!

I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ. Relax.

Do you think this shirt
looks good on me?

It looks fine.

It's not too noticeable,
is it?

Why would it be?

Because it's yellow.

- No. I didn't even notice.
- [zip]

- Thanks, man.
- [urinal flushes]

He's right.

Work it to own it
because you're in it
to win it.

[man]
Cathy, would you be a doll

and send in
the next interviewee?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.

Would the gentleman
in the yellow shirt
come up here?

[Jeff narrating]
Before Mommy found out
about the job interview,

I wanted to make her proud.

Fucking idiot!

I hate you!

I just needed my stuff
on this boat to do it.

You watch!
If I can't land her a job,

I'm going to land her a fish!

The only thing
that makes me feel good,

that lifts me up
and tells me that I'm worthy

is when I catch a fish.

Nothing's like it.

Nothing makes you
feel better.

Mommy! Mommy!

What is it, sweetie?
Did you catch one?

Yeah.

Here, let me get it.
Your first fish.

Look at that!
Should we let him go?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You want to say
goodbye?

- Bye.
- Goodbye, Mr. Fish.

Go on.
Go away.

Jeff, I'm so proud of you.

[Mommy]
Do you like fishing?
Do you want to fish some more?

- Yeah.
- You're my hero, sweetie.

[Mommy]
That was the biggest fish
I've ever seen.

You are really
a great fisherman.

[bell clanging]

[train horn blaring]

[tires screech]

[screams]

[panting]

Oh, thank God!
Thank God!

* Isn't there a white knight
upon a fiery steed *

* Late at night
I toss and I turn *

* And I dream of what I need

* I need a hero

* I'm holding out for at hero
'til the end of the night *

* He's gotta be strong
and he's gotta be fast *

* And he's gotta be fresh
from the fight

* I need a hero

* I'm holding out for a hero
'til the morning light *
Whoo!

* He's gotta be sure
and it's gotta be soon *

* And he's gotta be
larger than life *

* Larger than life *

Whoo!

Yeah, baby! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, Mama,
I got your fish!

Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna
make you proud, Mama!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

* I need a hero

[panting]

Yeah! Hah!

[panting]

This makes things
a whole lot better.

Mother of God!

When the Coast Guard gets here,
you tell them you saw a woman,
and she ran that way.

You're cool, guys.
Stay true to yourselves.

What an idiot.

I don't remember
how I got back to the city,

but I know I got mugged.

By some miracle,
I made it home.

He doesn't. You're right.

Well, I almost made it home.

Well, as long as it
makes him happy.

Fine with me.

[Jeff groans]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- Jeff.
- Morning.

Jeff. Oh, sweetie!

- Are you okay?
- Mommy.

Oh, sweetie,
what did you do?

I don't think
I got the job, Mommy.

But you know
what still bugs me?

I submit as a fact that
the single hardest thing

for a person with learning
disabilities like mine to do

is to captain a boat.

There's so many things
to take care of.

You got the electrical system,

you got the hull, the lines,

the radio, the paint,
the weather.

It's endless!

I don't want to blame Mike
for letting me use his boat,

but I will say that he didn't
show the best judgment either.

- Then there's my mom,
- You're deflecting, man.

Hey, come on,
no cross talk.

Some might call it deflecting,
some might call it fact.

I've identified
the enemy, details.

[timer ringing]

I'm sorry. If everybody's gonna
get a chance to share tonight,

we need to limit the sharing
to five minutes.

I didn't get to say
what I wanted to say.

What do you want to say?

Isn't it hot in here?

What do you say we vote
to turn down the heat?

Please. Just hurry up,
finish your share.

But I can't with
all this pressure!

Then shut the fuck up!

Hey, come on! No acting out!

Well, then tell this asshole
to shut the fuck up

and let somebody else speak!

I am detoxifying here, man!

And what he's saying,
he's got me so confused
I think I'm gonna fucking snap!

Thanks for letting me share.

Hi. My name is Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.

[women]
Hi, Jeff.

What I've been
trying to say...

is that I don't want to
blame it on the program.

But I've spent almost a decade

thinking that the most
important thing in my life
is staying sober

while everyone else I know has
gone on to do great things
with their lives.

And all I do is sneak into
gyms and substitute teach
on the side,

not that I'm bad at it.

I'm actually pretty good.

I just don't find it
fulfilling.

[kids screaming]

All right!
Fuck geography!

Let's play Simon says!
Simon says do this!

I... love... school!

Books... are... good!

Reading... is... good!

You! You, you're out,
you're out. Seriously.

I'm...

I'm alone all the time.

It hurts to feel lonely.

And I'm ashamed to admit it,

but I've been avoiding
calling Lenny,

the guy I'm mentoring
for over a week now.

I think at the Serene Horizon
meeting on Thursday

I'm just going to have
to cut Lenny loose.

I know I should be trying
to help him for my benefit
as well as his,

but I just don't have
the strength right now.

You see,
my Tourette's Syndrome

has been creating
a real shit-storm lately.

For hours during the night,
I've involuntarily been playing

a game of fantasy basketball
in my head.

This ain't no game, man!

That's a foul!

I love you, Jeff!

[blows whistle]

Pushing!

What?

It's debilitating.

What? That's not a foul!

I'll show you a foul!

I'll fuckin' kill you, Ref!

Hoo! You're out of here!

Oh, my God!
They're clearing the benches!

[speaking Spanish]

[man]
Motherfucker, I told you
to quit clapping!

Sorry. I'll turn
the TV down.

Since I was very young,

I've always had
the same dream.

[female voice]
Jeff? Jeff?

Yes, you.

Your job is to put
the red balls in the red bin

and to put the yellow balls
in the yellow bin

and to put the blue balls
in the blue bin.

Got it?

- Yup.
- Good.

Yay, Jeff!

Good!

Good job, sweetie!

You are so good at this!

[Jeff]
It's a simple dream.

And all the details go away.

It comforts me.

Thanks for letting me share.

- Thanks, Jeff.
- Thanks, Jeff.

That was
a great share, Jeff.

So your message is
just to keep it simple?

Yeah.

What did you think of the famous
Serene Horizon meeting?
Did you share?

Yeah, I shared.
Jeff, weren't you
listening?

Yeah, I was.
How you doing, man?

Well, it's been tough
this past two weeks,

not drinking and losing
my job over at Con-Ed

'cause I really
loved that.

It's the only thing
I cared about.

And I'm lonely.

I'm so lonely.
I haven't touched a woman
in three months.

Well, I got a message for you--
masturbation helps.

- I need another meeting.
- That's a good idea.

Why don't you call me
if you have any problems?

Your phone's disconnected.

It'll be connected soon.
I promise.

Why don't I just
give you my address
and you come over sometime?

I think that'll be best.
I live in an SRO.
It's really crowded.

As a matter of fact
they let me have a roommate,
it's so crowded.

He moved out
'cause of my drinking.

Lenny, why don't I
call you, okay?

I'm really in a state
right now, okay?

I told you, man.
I've been in ten years,

but I'm really not qualified
to help you, okay?

Here. Just write it down.

Great.

I think it'd be great
if you come over sometime.

Take care, man.

- Don't drink.
- All right.

Hi. Excuse me.

Hi. I'm sorry that
I forgot the donuts.

Oh, no, that wasn't--

No, I just-- I actually wanted
to ask you a question.

Maybe we can talk about it
over coffee.

Well, I've had about
six cups already,

but if you want
to grab another one--

You know, I don't
really like coffee.

Why don't we just
go to my place?

Sure.

[woman moans]

Oh, Jeff. Oh, yeah.

[moaning continues]

Yep.

Thanks.

Okay.

- Do you want one?
- No.

[sighs]

Lynn Brody.

I thought you said
your name was Ferguson.

It is Ferguson.

My fiancé's last name
is Brody.

Fiancé?
Should I be worried?

No.

No. He's in Dubai.

He's gone three weeks
out of the month
on business.

This is his apartment.

It's very neat.
Almost intimidating.

That's Terry.
He's very particular.

I wasn't doing so well
when I first met him.

So if I can go for two years
without acting out,
he'll marry me.

I don't have to work
or anything.

I just have to go to meetings
and try not to screw up.

Is this a screw-up?

Probably, but I think
I can cover your tracks.

Oh, good.

[coughs]
Why are you marrying him?

[sighs]
I don't know.

He takes care of me.
Is that wrong?

No, not at all.

I have a very similar
relationship with my mommy.

Since I already
broke one rule,

do you mind
if I break another?

Sex? More sex?

Are you ready for that?

I could use another hour.

No. It's something else.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Okay, this is really weird.
It's not my passion or anything,

but it's just something that I
like to do, and Terry hates it.

[chuckles]

- Don't worry.
- Okay.

Ready?

- Yep.
- You sure?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Here I come.

** [humming]

* Another night
the stars are bright *

* But I know things
just aren't quite right *

* I'm sad and blue

* Oh, please, Mr. Moon

* Oh, won't you
bring to me soon *

* A love that's oh, so true

* Got a whole lotta love
in my heart *

* But no one to give it to

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you
gonna come on through? *

* Waiting for you *

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when you
gonna come on through? *

Wow. Wow.

- That was amazing.
- You liked it?

Yeah.

I learned it in
my song and dance class.

I don't know what to say.
That was amazing.

Terry is the luckiest guy
I've ever heard of.

Why wouldn't he like that?

And what the fuck
is he doing in Dubai?

It's not like you're
a pole dancer or anything.

Jeff, there's something
I-I should tell you.

Okay.

But I don't want to.

I just want you to know
that I'm...

bent, not broken.

Broken's cool, too.

I like you.

You're funny.

You should be a comedian.

- Really? You think so?
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's interesting
that you say that

because I've been told by
a certain authority figure

that I have a good
stage presence.

Commanding, even.

My stepdad got me a spot
on the Luggage Channel once.

Did you see it?

No.

Well, maybe they'll
show a rerun someday.

I'm sure you were great.

I mean, I love your shares.

They make me feel better
about myself.

I should go.
I'm sorry.

Oh, Jeff, I didn't
mean it like that.

- No!
- That was so insensitive.
I didn't mean that.

No, no, it's okay.

I haven't been with a woman
in a long time, and, uh,

you're beautiful
and intelligent
and really amazing.

And to be perfectly honest,
you're just too good for me.

I can see that.
You will, too, soon, so...

I'm just gonna
get my stuff and go.

I'm pretty sure
that you're not gonna
wanna see me again.

That's fine.

If you don't want me to go
to the Serene Horizon meeting,
that's okay.

- 'Cause there are plenty of
meetings for me to go to.
- Jeff...

- Don't worry.
- Oh, my God.

What?

W-What is--
Is that blood?

Are you bleeding?

Uh-oh.

That's not...

I-I have no idea
what that is.

[sniffs]
Ohh...

It could be yours.

I'll leave my number
in the kitchen.

Damn it.

I don't know what to say.
I-- I was so nervous.

Drank a lot coffee.

And she was on top.

[laughter]

Yeah, I guess it's pretty funny
that I squirted in her bed.

[chuckling]

That is, until you realize
this was the first girl
that I've kissed

in three years.

When she said
"bent not broken,"

it felt so good
to hear that.

That was the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

Well, I had to get
that off my chest.

Thanks for
letting me share.

[all]
Thanks, Jeff.

[foreign language]

Samy, what's going on?

You're out!

I told you no clap!
You continue to clap!

- What are you talking about?
- You clap all night long!

Hah hah hah hah hah!

The neighbors complain.
I can't take it anymore!

This is illegal.
You gotta give me
an eviction notice.

- I give you three!
- Well, I haven't received one.

Here. Look.

What?

Well, they were
hidden in the menus.

I don't care.
You're out. Right now.

Whoa.

You did a nice job
of organizing that.

Huh?

I said you did a nice job
of organizing that.

The way you
separated the trash bags
and hung your bike helmet,

it's impressive.

Do I know you from
the shelter on 151st?

No.

I'm sorry. I'm not homeless.
I'm just moving.

[laughs]
Me, too, bub.

Have a taste.

Nah. I don't drink.

That's cool.

Just moving. Good one.

Hey, Lenny,
I'm borrowing your soap.

[Lenny shouts]
When you're done,
rinse it off.

I don't want any
ball hairs on it!

[knocks]

Hey!

- Hey.
- Hey, hey!

Thanks for
letting me stay here.

Sure. Come on in.

All right.

Whoa.

I get the top bunk bed,
right?

Top bunk's yours.

You know, I, uh...

I never really kissed a girl
until I was 25.

Oh. Really?

I mean, I had sex
before that with a girl
in a massage parlor.

But I'd never kissed a girl.

It was kind of weird,
you know.

I used to think
I was gay.

Oh. There was a time
when everyone thought
that I was gay.

Really?

Yeah. It was right around
when my mommy married Mike.

Mommy?

He worked in the city,
so we'd stay in his apartment
during the week,

and then at his house
on the weekends
in Westchester.

The change scared me.

So Mike bought me
a giant stuffed puma
to make me feel better.

[laughs]

Oh, look.
He just loves
that puma.

Wow! He's so big...

and lifelike.

[Mommy laughs]

I-I named it after a girl
I had a crush on.

Her name was Scotty.

Okay, Scotty, we're gonna play
a little game called "I win".

Gotcha!

Scotty, are you okay?
Scotty?

I'm just kidding.

I would never hurt you.

Got you again!

[grunting]

That puma was my best friend.
He was my only friend.

So I guess my mommy
thought I was a little weird

that I was spending
so much time with a puma.

[Mommy]
Jeff?

Where are you, sweetie?

Jeff?

Jeff?

Jeff, are you in there,
sweetie?

Scotty.

There's nothing wrong with what
happened between you and Scotty.

It's okay.

It's okay to be gay.

But, Mommy, I'm not gay.
Scotty's a girl.

But Scotty's a boy's name.

No.

She's a girl.

Okay, whatever you say, sweetie,

but I think it's best if
Scotty goes to puma heaven.

Why, Mommy? I mean,
Scotty's my only friend.

Sweetie,
if Scotty were your friend,

you wouldn't stick
your penis inside of him.

Please! Mommy!

- It's not true!
- Sweetie, I'm sorry.

She's my friend!
She's a girl!

Here, just give me
the puma, sweetie.

- I wouldn't do that to her.
- There you go.

- It's okay, sweetie.
- Okay, Scotty, let's go.

It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay. I'm sorry.

It's okay.
I'm sorry, sweetie.

The saddest thing is that
now that my-my confidence

is so severely crippled because
of my learning disabilities,

and my balls are sagging so low
that I tuck them into my sock,

I look back at the whole thing,
I just wish to hell

that I'd fucked the shit
out of that puma, you know?

Gay or straight.
I don't give a shit.

You know what I mean?

That's the fuckin' weirdest
story I've ever heard.

But it makes me feel better
because nothing like that
ever happened to me.

Yeah, well, I'm glad
I could help.

Is that like a furry tail
I see sticking out
from the bed?

You got a puma up there?

Fuck you, man.

You're funny, Jeff.

- You're funny.
- [woman moans]

The walk of shame.

Headed home from a meeting
on a Friday night.

College girls, bars,

all the booze in the world
and not a drop to drink.

- How's your coffee?
- Good.

I put some cinnamon in it
to make it less bitter.

Do you mix it in?

No. It's just on top.

I recently switched back
from skim to whole.

There's really no comparison
between the two.

What about the calories?

Fuck those calories.
I use a lot of sugar anyway.

You are a madman, Jeff.

Yeah.

[wolf whistle]

Whoa. Lenny.

You want to go in?

It's a bar.

It's a comedy club.
Open mic night.

- They serve drinks
in there, Jeff.
- Yeah, I know.

I shouldn't go into a place
where they serve alcohol.
You know what they say.

If you're gonna hang out
in a barbershop, you're
bound to get a haircut.

Besides I thought
stand-up comedy was
like the new karaoke.

You ever do karaoke?

Yeah, all the time
when I was fucked up.

Oh, man. I can't
do karaoke anymore.

I hadn't even
considered that.

That's gonna be
a tough one to give up.
That's gonna suck.

I used to love
to get hammered and
just sing my heart out.

I'd even start
bawling, man.

It was fuckin'
beautiful.

How the hell am I supposed
to break into comedy?

I don't know.
Get a comedy how-to book.

They gotta have 'em.

Lenny, I'd don't know
if I told you this,
but I have dyslexia, okay?

I can barely read.

Speaking of which, did you
go the library reading
I told you about?

Yeah, and guess
who I saw there.

Lynn?

[women shouting]
Suck, suck, suck, suck!

Suck, suck, suck, suck!
Suck, suck, suck, suck!

I got to get to
another meeting.

Don't drink!

Lynn's comment about being
a comedian really hit home.

I've got good stage presence.
Some say commanding.

And the next big question is...

should I let this thing
with Lynn go?

I wish you guys would tell me.

If I shit in your bed,
would you give me
a second chance?

Stick to pumas.

[laughter]

Scotty was a girl puma.

She was my friend.

That's not funny.

You sure you said
you'd bring her
to the 3:30 meeting?

For the 50th time, yeah.

You know, this sobriety thing
is starting to work.

I think I got a job.

That's great.
That's really great.

Listen, do you think
I'll look smart

if she sees me with this?

Absolutely.

One regular coffee.

One super mocha choco-latte
with extra whipped.

That looks good.

It's a little special treat
I'm giving myself

for cracking my first book
in like ten years.

Mm! Wow!
That's piping hot, too.

You got it
all over your face.

Wow.

Missed some.

Thanks.

Okay. I'm gonna
strike a pose, okay?

You just keep your eye out
for her. Just cough or
something when you see her.

All right.

[Jeff reads aloud]

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohhhh!

[screaming continues]

- Jeff!
- A rag, please.

- What's going on?
- Here.

Jeff.

Hi, Lenny.

Oh, hi.

- Pour that in your lap.
- Okay.

Ah. That feels good.
Yeah, that feels good,

You know, I tried calling you,
but your phone got shut off.

Yeah. I tried to get
in touch with you, too.

If you need new sheets--

It's all right.

Put those teabags
on the burn.

Okay.

Ooh.

That feels good.
It's a good trick.

How did you learn
this stuff?

Took a CPR
and home remedy class.

You're gonna be fine.

- [blows]
- Ooh.

The burn doesn't really
look that bad at all.

That's--
That's perfect.

You want to get
a cup of coffee?

I don't really like coffee.

I wish we could
go back to my place,
but Terry's in town,

He's leaving for Japan
tomorrow, though.

Why don't you meet me at
the One-Day-At-A-Time Dance
on Thursday night?

You know where it is,
right?

Yeah.

All right.

Keep those bags pressed gently
for 20 more minutes.

Okay.

- Good to see you.
- Bye.

Looks like
I shit myself again.

* I'd still be...

If I had a bottle of Jack,
I'd let it rip.

Well, just
get up there then.

Yeah. Without being drunk.
Sure.

Yeah. Just get up there
and rip it.

Rip it. Rip it.
Just like that?

Go up and rip it.

Yep.

Oh, man,
your girl's here.

Shit. All right.
You know what?

This one's for you.
I'm gonna rip it.

Good luck. Here.

Wow. You look beautiful.

You want to dance
or sing a song?

I don't sing or dance
in public.

Right.

[Jeff singing off-key]

* Just rock me, baby
Rock me, baby, all night long *

You want a cup of coffee?

Why don't we just
go back to my place?

[off-key singing continues]

* I don't know
where we come from *

* Don't know
where we're going to *

Before I left,
I told the doorman
that I called the plumber.

Be the plumber.

I will.

* You can cut my hair

* You can fill my cup

[Doorman]
Good evening, Miss Brody.

Hi.

* You can make it up

* We're gonna make it
after all *

I'm the plumber.

Swing this Travelmore bag
over your shoulder

and hit the town.

Its contemporary
no-hands design

is perfect for quick trips
or everyday use.

That's not
how you hold a bag.

Lynn, you gotta
look at this clown.

He's got no stage presence
whatsoever.

I hope you like Eggs Benedict.

I made the Hollandaise sauce
from scratch.

I don't know how good it is.

I just learned how to make it
in my cooking class.

It looks great.

I made the plate, too.

How come you're
so good at everything
in your classes?

I don't know.

I always was good
at stuff like that.

You know, I used to be
a consultant. I have an MBA.

Of course, I'm a CPA, as well.

Jesus Christ, you're
intimidating the hell
out of me right now.

Why don't you work?

I don't know.
Fear, I guess.

I wasn't doing that well
when I first got sober.

I feel like I'm just keeping it
together right now, you know?

Yeah, I hear you.
Holy shit!

Whoa, man! Whoa!

I'd sell my balls
for a boat like this.

Or any boat,
for that matter.

Well, you could probably
sell your car

and get a dinghy.

That's a good point.

Aside from the fact
that my car's my mommy's,

buying a boat like this
is only half the battle.

They're complicated.

I've already sunk one.

Oh.

I hate to state the obvious,
Lynn, but Terry's a hell
of a lot older than you.

I noticed denture cleaner
in the bathroom.

He's got a bridge.

He's European.

- Do you find him attractive?
- I used to.

But it wasn't about
his looks, you know?

He makes me feel safe
and taken care of,
which I like.

Of course,
he's a little bit uptight,
kind of controlling

and a bit of a workaholic.

You know, it's funny
I always pictured myself
with someone more creative,

like a writer.

God, that'd be cool,
right? A writer.

I could be his muse.

Well, maybe
you could be my muse.

Oh, who does this asshole
think he is?

John McEnroe?

So, uh, you find writers
attractive?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sick
of this drive every day.

Your first step
is to get organized.

Sloppy thinking leads
to sloppy writing,

so what you've got to do
is you've got to get
your head in order.

[click]

If you don't do
something impressive,

Lynn's going to
dump your sorry ass.

Keep your filthy tongue
off of her.

Face it. You're
getting kind of old.

You're not doing shit
with your life.

Even bums
think you're homeless

That guy was just
making an observation.

Forget about him.

He wouldn't say it if
there wasn't any truth to it.

Look, that's pure speculation.

Speculate on this:
Comedy is karaoke.

Then what about writing?

Writing?

You can barely read.

What do you--
What do you suggest I do, huh?

Get drunk
and go gambling.

How would I get the money?

- [horn honks]
- [shouting]

Get the ball!
Be a puma!

What's wrong with you?

Take it!
I don't wanna play anymore!

Where's the ref!

I'll take a hot dog.

Hi, guys.

[shouting continues]

Get the ball! Get the ball!
Get the ball!

- [horn honks]
- Yum! Hot dogs!

I love hot dogs!

[shouting]

Hey, asshole!

What the fuck
are you doing?

So sorry, sorry, sir.

I-It's my Tourette's.

Get the fuck out
of the way, man!

Okay.

Dick!

Got another red!
It'll be a minute, buddy!

- Hi.
- Don't worry about
the doorman.

I told him
you stuffed your toilet.

Lynn, I need your advice.

I've been thinking about
becoming a comedian
or a writer.

I don't know which,
and since you're
attracted to both,

I could really
use your opinion,

You want to be a writer now?

Like I said,
I'm somewhat on the fence.

Well, have you ever
written anything?

See, that's the thing.

I've been thinking
about becoming a writer

or trying to be
a comedian.

But I don't know.
I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you

because if you think
that I could be a writer,

then I would try
to write something.

If you think
I could be a comedian,
then I would try comedy.

Am I not making
any sense here?

Have you ever tried comedy?

Please just choose one.

If you don't think that
I could do either thing,

then I could just be
a substitute teacher,
for the rest of my life,

which I'm good at.

Could you just
please choose one?

You're not
getting the point.

What point?
You haven't said anything.

You could be Santa Claus.

Did you just say
I could be Santa?

You want my advice?

Yes, please.

Why don't you write a joke?

That's a good idea.

Thank you.

You know,
I've been thinking a lot
about my current situation

'cause to look at me,
you wouldn't know it,

but I was actually once
well taken care of.

My mommy and my stepfather
would takes us to fancy places

like the Ritz, the Waldorf,
Four Seasons.

The kind of places where
they have little chocolate
mints on the pillows.

Bath salts. I used to eat
those things all the time.

It's probably why I'm here.
I don't know.

Nice, clean 3,000 thread-counted
Egyptian cotton sheets.

I used to order
a cheese plate,

massage
and pay-per-view porno.

All three at the same time.

I used to call it
the Shiatsu Gouda Love Fest.

Nothing. I got nothing.

When I was 12 years old,
I used to play board games

with my Ecuadorian nanny
named Jade.

Oh, man.
This is embarrassing

She'd play a little game called
"Pocket Pool" in my ball sack.

If she won,
I'd give her a foot massage.

She taught me how to drink.
She was 52.

It was fun.
You know, we had good times.

Wake up.

- Fuck!
- [kicks trash can]

Now I live in a filthy room
the size of a tiny closet

with a huge man.

Some people would call it
a shit box.

Mommy would call it
an armoire.

I don't know what that is.

French? Spanish?
I know it's small.

That's funny, right?

And it's not even
my apartment.

It belongs to the guy
I'm mentoring,

the only person I'm supposed
to be taking care of.

But you know what?

There's a lot of benefits
to living in a dump like I do.

For example, can anyone here
claim to have tamed a rat?

[laughter]

Hey, does anyone else
want to share?

Why? It's perfect!
[laughs]

Oh, fuck.

That's another one
of Mike's buildings.

We used to live there
during the week.

Yeah, I was the Prince
of Park Avenue then.

Wow.

You want to
go inside?

Not allowed.
Had a problem with the tub.

Okay. Why don't you
show me something
that's special to you?

Want me to show you
how to sneak into a gym?

Yeah.

All right.
You're awesome.

Watch this.

Hey, Jeff!

* Hey, love

* I'm ready to be heartbroken

Come back here, dick!

[laughing]

Whoa!

Just kidding.

I think I'm in love with you.

Aww...

Shoot. I just remembered.
I have to go home.

Terry's corning into town
tonight.

I forgot.

Oh, yeah.
Do you mind if I walk you?

Yeah, okay.

Great.

So I'll see you tomorrow
at Kick Starter meeting?

Great.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Good afternoon.

- Terry!
- Darling! Here I am.

Home bearing gifts.

Tunisia was not the same
without you.

Wow. I missed you so much.

Guess who was on a camel.

Jeff!

Jeff.

It's Brian.

Oh, hey, Brian.

Brian! Hey!
You-- Wha--

We went to boarding school
together, honey.

This is Daphne, my wife,
and that's my daughter Lily.

How are you doing, man?

- Really good.
- Great.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Brian,
I hate to ask,

but do got a buck or two
I could borrow,

or a swipe
of a Metro Card.

Anything works for me.

Sure. Uh...

Thanks.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

** [jazz]

What?

Nothing.

What?

You don't think
I was being honest.

I wasn't even
thinking about you.

I was thinking about myself.

When I first quit consulting,
I met some older men,

wealthy men who'd
take me out on dates.

They were just dates, you know,
dinners and things like that.

But then after a while,
they started offering me money.

First, I said no,
but then...

I figured why not?

I was drinking
and doing a lot of coke.

It just made sense and seemed
like a waste if I didn't.

It wasn't actually even
all that bad.

Sometimes it was...
kind of nice.

But then one night,
I was really-- I was drunk.

And I was pretty far
uptown and...

I didn't have any cab fare,

so I saw this
nice-looking college kid
and propositioned him.

He took me back
to his parents' apartment,

and when we got there,
he didn't want me
to come inside.

I still needed the cab fare,
so I got him off in the hallway.

I blew him.

And when it was over,
he paid me and...

I thought I'd just sit down
and sober up a little bit.

I passed out.

When I woke up,
I didn't know where I was.

My pants were soaked,
so I knew I wet myself.

The hallway was
completely empty,

and I couldn't
find my way out.

I was lost and alone,
and it was--

Hey. Hey, it's okay.

I get lost
all the time.

It's very scary.

Jeff, I really like you.

But I can't leave Terry.

It's okay.

I'm grateful that I've got
someone in my life right now.

And unlike before,

I think a lot of the reason
why it works

is because
we're on equal terms,

and he respects that,

and I respect myself.

It's all about honesty.

Thanks for letting me share.

[women]
Thanks, Lynn.

[Jeff]
Mommy, I want to
ask you a favor.

Mm-hmm.

I'm considering
a career change.

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah.

I was thinking about
being a stand-up comic.

There's also a chance
for me to write, too.

Jokes at first
and then maybe more.

That's terrific. You know,
I've always told you,

you have a wonderful
stage presence.

Commanding.
Really.

Come on.

But what made you
want to change?

I met a girl, and I want to
be able to take care of her.

Thank God it's a girl.

Jesus, Mommy!

I told you
Scotty was a female puma!

Okay.

You've only got a couple
months of teaching left
before summer break.

Why don't you just
finish out the year
and see how you feel then?

That-- That's sensible.
It is very sensible.

I hate taking money
from you and Mike,

but, Mommy, there's something
you've got to understand.

I'm like an animal at the zoo.

You just can't release me.

You got to ease me
back into the wild.

- Mike, darling.
- I'll get my checkbook.

Mike, I swear I'm on
the verge of paying you
back for that yacht.

This is just a loan.

Plus I'm going to
substitute teach tomorrow.

Something I'm good at.

Quiet!

[kids shouting]

Yeah!

All right!

[school bell ringing]

Mrs. Shelby,
the chalk slipped
right out of my hand.

I understand.
It's completely natural.

After all, gymnasts use
chalk to powder their hands
because it's slippery.

- This chalk was.
- Clearly.

I don't know if you've been
to a classroom lately,
but it's not easy.

I teach mathematics to
our mentally challenged
students once a week.

Exactly.

What do you mean,
"exactly"?

Well, Mrs. Shelby,
wouldn't you say

that the material you teach
your mentally challenged kids

is far easier than
what I have to teach mine?

I assume you've mastered
third grade mathematics.

Right. Touché.

You know, since you've
been subbing with us,

you've lost control of
the classroom several times,

often bribing the children
with both money and candy
to maintain order.

I never used money.

A month ago you played
Simon Says for so long
one student fainted.

I didn't know he had asthma.
I mean, if he had one of
those little inhaler things

like strung around his neck--

Screamed profanities
at the students,

telling one youngster
to, quote,

"Shut your fucking trap."

You're right.

That was wrong.
I shouldn't have done that.

The larger issue is
you lack presence.

And the students?

The students,
they have no respect
for you whatsoever.

I recommend that you find
a job more suitable
to your abilities.

I got to find
something I can do.

You're funny.

That does
a lot of good.

The homeless story,
that did me a lot of good.

Okay. What else?

You're a great friend.

I'm a funny, great friend.

A fucking dog in a sweater
can do that.

What about fishing?
You love fishing.

With my LDs,
there's no possible way

I could be the captain
of a fishing boat.

Jeff, work on
somebody else's boat.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good.

- Where are your arms?
- Oh, just scratching my back.

- Really?
- Got a rash.

- You're not hiding something?
- No. What are you hiding?

You look like you're
sprouting something.

Oh, really?
Like this?

- Flowers!
- You like them?

How about this?

Jeff, what is this?

- It's no big deal.
- No, it is--

I know you can't.

- Oh, my--
- I hope you like it.

Oh, my God.
Jeff, it's so beautiful.

- Yeah?
- Yes!

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

It's so-- Jeff?

- [groans]
- What's going on?

You're scaring me.
Oh, my God. Jeff!

Jeff!

Breathe, breathe.

What's wrong? What?

- Get away! Your shoes!
- What's wrong with them?

- Go over there! Please!
- What do you mean?
What's wrong with them?

Take your shoes off.
Throw them over there.

Oh, my God. Okay.
I'm taking them off.

- Threw 'em away.
- [panting]

Shh. Try to relax.

Ohh... Oh, God.

Just breathe.

God, Jeff. Shh...

Your shoes.

What happened?

Your shoes are New Balance.

So?

I just--

When I see the word "balance,"
I-- I get nauseous,

and I experience vertigo,
and I just lose my balance.

It doesn't happen all the time.
It's only when I'm worked up.

Oh.

- Oh, God.
- Jeff...

the sneakers don't even say
the word "balance" on them.

The "N" is enough.

I haven't had an episode
like that in a long time.

I'm okay.

Thank you.

Just breathe.

Careful. Careful.

God.

You scared me.

I mean, Jeff, what happens
if your students wear
New Balance sneakers?

I ask them to take them off.

That's so cute.

Actually, Lynn,
about school...

I got fired.

Jeff, how can you
afford that necklace?

See, that's the best thing.

Everything's affordable with
Zeffers' new financing plan.

Jeff, you still have
to pay back the loan.

I hate to admit it,
but I got you, Lynn.

I'm going to be
a commercial fisherman,
an old seadog.

I figured that if this is
a steady thing for me,

maybe you wouldn't have
to get married to Terry.

I know this sounds crazy,
but I love you.

I want to take care of you.

I love you, too, Jeff.

You're the best girlfriend
I've ever had.

The only one, frankly,
but the best.

You know what?
I don't think I've ever had
a real boyfriend either.

Just sugar daddies
and pimps?

[laughs]

Yeah.

And she says no
because of the mast-head.

Hmm.

Hey, Cappy. I'm Jeff.
Sorry I'm late.

Ease her out there,
Junior.

You got it, Cap.

- Where's your gear?
- Gear?

You don't think this sweater's
gonna be warm enough?

Yeah, it'll be
warm enough for today,

but the weather might
get dirty over the next
four to six weeks.

And even though I made
a little mistake by boarding
a month-long cruise,

being aboard a boat without
having the responsibility
of captaining it

was gonna be like
playing the lotto without
having to buy the tickets.

It was going to be heaven.

And while we steamed into it,
all I thought about was Lynn

lying in bed, watching reruns
of the Luggage Channel.

With this peerless
Cincinnati Sateen rolling bag,

you'll be the toast
of high tea in London.

And thanks to this patented
tri-fold center strap,

when you land in Dubai,

say bye-bye to creases
in your clothing.

And now for
my favorite feature,
the snap pocket.

[Captain] Junior,
get fuckin' Santa's helper
to lift the fuckin' nets out!

Dipshit, give me a fuckin' hand!

- All right.
- Hold onto that.

Tight!

Right,
when I say when, pull.

What?

When I--
When I say when, pull.

I already am pulling on it.

Just-- You know what?
Don't pull.

I don't need your help.
Go. Go.

You need a spotter
or something?

No, I don't need a spotter.
Fuck, man.

Get the fuck out of here.
A spotter!

Morning, Cappy.

Man the wheel.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

I've sunk
one of these before.

- You've what?
- I sunk one.

Just go.

Go, go. Get Junior.

Tell him I need
a man up here.

These nets
look different.

Yeah. It's 'cause
we're going for weak fish.

Weak fish?

The small white ones.
Use them as bait.

Nothing, right?

You're such a fuckin' idiot.

Get a wrench
and help me out.

Okay.

Come on, princess,
bring it up.

Come on, give it some gas!
Get the whip line.

You see, when you're netting
for a particular kind of fish

and one that may not already
be in danger of being wiped out,

you inevitably scoop up
those that are.

It's called a by catch.

It's coming.

I spent my whole life trying
to catch fish like this.

We're talking about Spanish
mackerel, porgies, tuna,

and the most amazing and
beautiful sport fish of all--

the striped bass.

We struck gold.

It was the kind of gold
you had to throw back.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What the fuck, man!

I'm throwing them back,
Cappy. They're beautiful.

And they're dying.

What the fuck!

Listen, Cappy,
I may not know much,

but I know it's illegal to
net for these kind of fish.

We'll throw them back later.

But, Cappy, you'll be
throwing them back dead.

I said we'll
throw them back later!

Now, every fuckin fish that
swims by here right now,

that's 3.25 to the pound
that I'm losing!

Now, I'm going to give you
to the count of three

to get the goddamn nets
back out!

One, two...

Okay, okay.

Now, I am no great
environmentalist, okay?

Hell, I don't even recycle.

But what Al was proposing
was murdering all these fish.

No! No! No! No!

I'm not going to let you
bastards get away with this.

You're going
to have to kill me

before I let these fish
suffocate on deck.

It's either me
or the fish, gentlemen.

But I swear, I will gut you
before you get me overboard.

All I'm asking is you let me
throw these fish back

before you throw
your stinking nets out there.

It'll only take a minute.
How's it going to go down?

This is mutiny, faggy.

You lose your quarter share.

So be it.

Junior, get back on the crane.

Go ahead.

You're in such
a world of shit.

It's my world.

Tell me when
you find Nemo.

What I didn't figure
into my mutiny was...

now I was going to be
at sea for three weeks

with people who
wanted to kill me.

People die at sea
all the time.

It didn't matter.
Neither the threat of death

or the loss of money
mattered at all to me

because I knew that
as soon as I got home,

I would have Lynn there
waiting for me.

It says there's
a tropical storm
off the coast.

Yeah, I read that, too.

It's supposed to be
40-knot winds.

Do you think it'd be safe
to be on a boat?

I sure as hell wouldn't
want to be on one.

[knocking]

You expecting someone?

- Yes?
- Are you Lynn Ferguson?

l am.

Hi, Miss Ferguson.
Sorry to bother you.

We have a judgment
against Jeff Nichols,

and he listed this
as his primary address.

Me and my friend Peanut
are here to repossess
that diamond necklace.

Uh, I'll go grab the box.

May I ask you
what is this about?

Well, grandpa,
looks like some loverboy

bought your daughter
a necklace he couldn't afford.

Thank you.

I-- I can't wait to see her.

In fact, does anyone know
where there's a good florist?

Whoa.

Thanks for letting me share.

[all]
Thanks, Jeff.

Lynn!

Wait. Wait, wait!

Wait! Why are you running?

- [tires screech]
- [horn honks]

Lynn!

Wait.

Wait.

Give me a moment.

I just got back.

I went to a quick meeting,
but then I came straight here.

They didn't have
a phone on the boat.

I've missed you so much.

Why aren't you wearing
your necklace?

It's over, Jeff.

Over!

Wait.

Do you mean it's over
between you and Terry
or you and me?

You can't go.
I've got my six-month
anniversary coming up.

Yeah. Well,
I got my 10-year
anniversary coming up.

What have I done
with my time? Nothing.

I need help, Lenny.

I just lost
the love of my life
due to poor accounting,

I'm here. I'll help you.

I got a new tactic.

It's called surrender.

See, me and details, we went
to battle three decades ago,

and I can honestly say
that that war is over,
and I've lost.

So you're just
going to be a bum?

I'm retiring. Mike's brother has
got a garage apartment in Quogue

he's going to rent me
real cheap.

I got all I need right here.

Okay, retire,
but promise me one thing.

You'll keep going
to meetings

'cause those people need you
as much as you need them.

Lenny, how can I expect
other people to be
interested in my problems

when they don't even
impress me?

I have learning disabilities,
and I drank a lot
when I was a kid.

It's like having gingivitis,
you know?

Buy a toothbrush,
get on with it.

I cannot believe
I'm hearing you say this.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Lenny.

It was good knowing you, man.
Don't drink.

Hey, Jeff!

Hey, Uncle Popcorn.

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

Don't call me
Uncle Popcorn, okay?

Yeah, sure.

- Give me that.
- Okay. All right.

Hey, all this is yours, man,
any time you want to use it.

You know how to use
this thing here?

Not really.

Let me show you.
It's easy.

Step up, step up, and ho!

- Wow!
- Ho!

All right!
[laughs]

Okay? Give it a try.
Come on.

That's it.

Ah, it's all right.
It's all right.

- No, no, that ain't the way.
- Okay.

- All right, let's go.
- Sorry.

Don't use that
until I show you how.

And my barbeque here?
You don't fuckin' touch that.

Absolutely not.

I got you fixed up
in the back there

above the garage.

Without going to meetings

and without the responsibility
of being a mentor,

I figured retirement
would be easy, but it wasn't.

Because I couldn't
stop thinking about
what happened on the boat.

I didn't know why it was
upsetting me so much

until I figured out
that the fish chose me.

Like Lynn, they were in trouble
because they chose me.

I wanted to save them,

and the only way I could
was to write.

So despite my LDs,

I started working on a letter
to a national fishing magazine.

Dear Hooked on Fishing,

this really bad thing happened.

...which was breehly bad.
That's right.

[knocking]

Hey, Uncle Popcorn,
come in.

Jeff, we got to talk.

Great, cause I been dying
to talk to somebody.

This letter is a lot more
difficult than I thought
it was going to be.

Plus it was really cold
in here last night.

But that's okay because the heat
throws off my equilibrium,

and it kind of
makes me twitchy, so...
I can fight through it.

Do you have a dictionary,
or do you think you could
proofread this for me?

What do you think,
Uncle Popcorn?

First of all, I asked you to
stop calling me Uncle Popcorn.

It's a name
the little kids call me,

and they usually
stop doing it when
they're six or seven.

What do I call you then?
Uncle Bert?

How about Bert?
I'm not your uncle.

Well, you're Mike's brother.

He's your stepfather.

He's like a father.

Hell, Jeff,
you're a grown man

Grown men do not call
each other "uncle."

Okay.

And another thing
grown men do is pay rent.

You're already
three weeks late.

I'm sorry. It's coming.

- When?
- Soon. I've got
checks in the mail.

There literally are checks
sitting in the mailbox.

Jeff, I checked your mailbox.
There's nothing in there.

Not that one.

It's a mailing address
from this old apartment
that I used to live in,

and it was like
three years ago.

My friend moved in,

and then he left
and this new guy came in.

I haven't been there
for like nine months.

This guy's got a bad vibe.

I just don't want
to deal with him right now.

Why don't you just put in
a change of address?

What? I'm supposed to notify
everybody that sends me mail
where I moving to?

Yeah. It's what
normal people do.

You just fill out
a little form at
the post office.

Okay, listen,
if it's important to you,

I can go see my mommy
in Westchester

and borrow some money
from her.

Jeff, that... that...

see, that's what
this is all about.

That's the thing here.

You know, for years,
Mike has been telling me
about how great you are,

how nice you are,
how caring.

Then he tells me about
all your fuck-ups.

And I know that every time
you sink a boat

or lose a job
or have to pay rent,

you go crying
to your mommy.

And her and Mike
have to bail you out.

Well, they just catch me
when I slip up.

No. They coddle you

and prevent you from taking
any sort of responsibility,
like a child.

Hell, not even.

I've got
an 11-year-old grandson

who's had a paper route
for two years.

Have you ever
held a job that long?

No. I have--

I have learning
disabilities, too.

Hmm. When I was your age,
you know what we called that?

Retardation.

Hell, even those people
got jobs

assembling cardboard boxes
or cleaning toilets,

unlike the modern day version
that waddle around,

moaning about
how difficult everything is.

They spend their
entire lives doing nothing

and leeching off
their parents

and their Uncle Popcorns.

You want another week?
Fine.

I'll give you a week,

then I'm going to
call up Mike and ask him
for the money myself.

[door opens, closes]

Goddamn it.

Tanya, it's him!
Keep the cat in the bedroom.

[Tanya]
Don't be a pussyfoot!
Kick his ass right now!

Here.

It's been nine months.

Honestly, take this
and never come back.

Please, I am so sick
of holding on to
your fuckin' crap.

It's goddamn ridiculous.

Jeff.

- Hey.
- It's cold outside.

How long have you
been out here?

Not long. Just, uh,
I was in the city, so...

Are you okay?

Haven't seen you
around the rooms lately.

I quit going
to the meetings.

Today would have been
my ten-year anniversary.

It's good though. It is.

I've been real productive
with all my free time.

A regular workhorse.

How are you?
Are you married yet?

Not yet.

I'd marry you, Lynn.
You know that?

But, Jeff,
what would happen?

I mean,
you're a sweet guy,

and you're funny, and I'm
really attracted to you,

but what kind of a life would
we lead if you can't even...

clean your own bedroom?

Technically,
it'd be half your room.

Jeff...

I never expected
to fall in love with you.

It was the easiest thing
I ever did.

But if something bad happened,
and I drank again,

I could really hurt myself.

Nothing bad would happen.

I just don't have what it takes
to build a life with you.

I'm sorry.

Don't drink.

[phone ringing]

I accept.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, Jeff.

Listen, I'm a little upset.

I was wondering if I could
come and stay with you
in Westchester tonight.

Oh, Mike and I
are headed to Florida.

I'm just about to meet him
at the airport.

What's wrong, sweetie?

A little sad, that's all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you want to come up
and stay at the house
while we're gone,

I'm sure
that would be fine.

I would just like you
to ask Mike directly.

No, I'd rather not.

I don't want to ask
any more favors.

Well, he's happy
to do favors for you.

He loves you.
I-- Just, please.

If you decide
you want to come up
and stay for a few days,

all you have to do is ask.

You know what?
I will if I go there.

I love you, Mommy.

I love you, too, sweetie,
Feel better.

[gasping]

Today I will clean.

Ugh...

Damn it.

Would you please stop
returning your W-2 form
to me personally?

You're supposed
to mail these to the IRS.

Oh. Thanks.

Would you please stop
returning your W-2 form
to me personally?

You're supposed to mail these
to the IRS.

You're supposed to mail these
to the IRS.

Mommy...

I don't mind paying
for your parking tickets
when you get them,

but if you don't pay them,

since it's my car,
it goes against my credit.

Just call this number here
when you get one.

It's my CPA, and she will
handle the tickets.

Thanks. They're already
taken take of.

- Call this number...
- Mail these to the IRS.

...when you get one.
It's my CPA. She will
handle the tickets.

I've got to call.

Don't get the phone--
I have to pay
the phone bill.

Verizon bill.

Verizon!

$487?

For cable?

There's a check
around here somewhere.

Where's the paycheck?

Call this number...

Aha!

$493. Thank you,
Mrs. Shelby.

[repetitive dialogue continues]

[dial tone]

Hi, Verizon?

I have
a personal check here.

I just want to...
turn my phone back on.

If you have no credit or debit
card or a checking account,
you will need a money order.

How do I do that?

Do you have a state-issued
I.D. card?

No.

Passport?

No. I lost it.

Social security card?

No.

I'm sorry, sir,
I can't help you.

- [banging on door]
- Jeff!

Where the fuck's my rent?

I'll give it to you
in a minute.

All right, hurry up.
I'll be in New York.

Take me, Jeff.
I'll play in my box.

There's pumas and everything.

- Come with me!
- Not now!

It's so much fun in here.

Leave me alone!

I'll play with
your nut sack, Jeff.
Jeff, come in here.

I want you
to come and play.

Jeff, come here.

I just have to do a...

Come here.

Jeff, get over here!

Hold on! God damn you!
Hold on!

I gotta--
I'm going to the store.
Going to the store.

- Be right back.
- Jeff!

Stop that car right now!

You said you needed milk,
so I figured...

Hi. My name is Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.

[all]
Hi, Jeff.

I swore I wouldn't
come back to the rooms.

Yesterday was
a difficult day for me.

I needed comfort.
I had to go home.

The first thing that Mike did
when he moved in was...

he hung up a replica of
the fast trout I caught.

Your mother said it looked
just like the one you got.

I think it might have been
a little bigger, Mike.
Jeff is an excellent fisherman.

Uh...

Jeff...

I want you to know
that I bought this house

because I want you
and your mother

to have a place
where you can always go

and feel like
things haven't changed.

You understand me?

Yeah.

I loved that trout.

The house was a haven,

always open to me,
provided l asked.

Instead of using
the furnace,

which would have caused
a noticeable spike
in the heating bill,

I used a space heater
to keep me warm while
I lay on the couch.

I slept so soundly.

And then... I smelt it.

[sniffs]

What-- Oh, shit!

Shit! Fuck.
Oh, shit.

Oh, Jesus.

[door opens, closes]

[running footsteps]

Something very bad
has happened.

I just-- I've come from the--

Mike, I did
some rewiring work
a week or two ago.

Some of the old stuff you had in
there looked a little dangerous.

I got insurance,
so I'm protected
if I made a mistake,

but I tell you, I really
thought I made it safer.

See, Mike?
Andy could've started it.

Jeff, you weren't here
last night, were you?

Like I was saying,
that wiring was pretty old.

I'll probably lose my license.

But hell, if did that,
I deserve it.

[Mommy]
Andy, you've done such great
work for us, but this time--

[Andy]
I know, I know.

[Mommy]
Thank God, it was you,
Andy. Thank God!

It was me.

I was here.

I didn't want you to see
that I was here,

so I used a space heater
instead of turning on
the furnace.

I, uh, I accidentally
burnt one of the cushions.

I tried to hide it, okay?

That's how the fire started.
It was my fault, not Andy's.

I burned your house down.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Go sit in the fucking car.

I'm so sorry, darling.

[Mommy]
Oh, my God.
Look at this.

Wait a second.
I found something!

Look what I found!

I'm gonna run a hose
from the auxiliary,
all right?

It's Jeff's fish!

So...

the only thing that's left of
the house in which I grew up

is a replica of the very
first trout I ever caught

melted down
to its original size.

[giggling]

[woman]
You're a hot man, honey.

Hah! You're hot!

[whistling, applauding]

Definitely.
I burned the house down.

I burned it down.

It's his house.

They're right there.
Say hi, Mike.

That's my stepdad.

There's my lovely mommy.
Yeah.

And the trout, it started off
right about here,

and then it melted down to
pretty much its original size.

If you guys want to
go and see it, you can.

It's mounted at my mommy and
Mike's new house in Florida.

You're going to have to
go by yourself because,

as you can guess, yeah,
I'm not invited.

[laughter, applause]

You can put your shoes back on
now because I'm out of here.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you.

Thank you.

* I need a hero

* I'm holding out for a hero
'til the end of the night *

Uh, how does
comedy pay, Jeff?

You know, it doesn't
really pay all that well.

I know what you're thinking.
You don't have to worry.

I'm going to pay you back
for the yacht and the house

and all the things
you don't even know about.

- I got a new job.
- Oh?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna keep this one.

Well!

I got something I think
you're gonna like.

Take the bricks,
put them in that bin.

Glass, yellow bin.
Metal in the blue bin.

Thank you, Lenny.

You're my mentor.
I take care of you, okay?

But get moving 'cause I want
to get to the Kick Starters
meeting by 7:30.

You got it.

Whoo!

I don't know if I'll ever
amount to anything in life,

if I'll ever be
able to overcome
my learning disabilities,

but I'm going to try to
take care of the details.

I also decided that before
I get too old or before
I'm institutionalized

that I might as well
make an effort

at tackling a learning disabled
person's biggest nightmare--

to captain a boat.

[Lynn]
Jeff!

Captain!

I tried calling you.

For once, your phone
wasn't shut off.

Your landlord told me
that I could find you here.

Look. I found this mixed in
with Terry's boating things.

They published your
letter to the editor.

Wow.

They didn't change anything.

Not even the mistakes.

Is that mine?

I honestly don't know.

Wow.

That's great either way.

I would love to be a father
or a stepfather.

I got a lot of experience
with my own.

Jeff, I wanted
to talk to you.

I left Terry.

Great.

Do you want to go fishing?
I got an extra rod.

The open sea is
a perfect place to chat.

Oh, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

It's not just me anymore.

Right. Good point.

Do you want to fish
off the dock?

- Okay.
- All right.

Wow. Victory.
It's a nice boat.

* Another night
The stars are bright *

* But I know things
just aren't quite right *

* I'm sad and blue

* Oh, please, Mr. Moon

* Oh, won't you bring me soon

* A love that's oh, so true

* Got a whole lotta love
in my heart *

* But no one to give it to

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

[Jeff]
By the way,
you want a cup of coffee?

* Every day that passes by

* Another tear
falls from my eye *

* I'm not too strong

* So no matter where you are
beyond the land or sea afar *

* Oh, please don't
take too long *

* Anticipating
your sweet love *

* I am waiting to get
all your kisses true *

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

* You can't miss me, darlin'

* I'll be so easy to find

* Standing here, reaching up

* With my arms open wide

* You'll know me
by my lonely eyes *

* It won't be hard
to recognize me *

* You will see

* A girl who's standing
all alone *

* With no sweet man
to call her own *

* So hurry, please

* I've got a whole lotta love
in my heart *

* But no one to give it to

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

* Just waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man
when you gonna make it true? *

* Waiting for you

* Oh, Mr. Love Man, when
you gonna come on through? *

[Announcer]
All right, here we go.
We have your next act.

What can I say about
this funny guy? Funny man.

You probably saw him
on the Luggage Channel.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeff Nichols, everybody.
Jeff Nichols!

This guy looks like Rain Man
and Forrest Gump on crack,
don't I, a little bit?

I sound like Rudy Giuliani
on Nyquil, don't I,
a little bit?

I'm a friggin' mess.
My life is a disaster,

I should've been
out of this business like
before I walked on stage.

How you doin'?
All right.

I subbed for years,
five years in the Bronx.

I taught school
in the Bronx and Queens.

I taught in--
You gonna call my bluff?

No. I taught in
like a lot of them
'cause I sucked.

I sucked.

True. The first day I school,
I went to the principal.

I go to the principal.
I go, "I'm a comic.
I drive around.

What wisdom can I
impart to these kids?

What can I possibly
teach these kids?"

She goes, "Don't worry,
just teach the kids
what you know,

what you're good at."

First day of school,
everyone: "Today, kids,

we're gonna learn how
to stare at women 'til
they get uncomfortable."

[laughter]

"Today, kids, we're
going to learn to have
an anxiety attack."