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1
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♪♪
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,539
Do you ever think about dying?
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,875
I just watched Chernobyl on HBO.
4
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:10,044
There were so many people dying,
5
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:11,912
I couldn't even laugh
at the jokes.
6
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You never know
what's gonna get ya, Francine.
7
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Take my friend, Jennifer.
8
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,185
She got warts on her feet
walking barefoot
9
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,053
at a Rascal Flatts concert.
10
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,055
Which is why I always
wear foot condoms.
11
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You'd think they don't
make condoms that big.
12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,625
But I've got a guy?
Downtown?
13
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,694
He'll make you condoms
any size you want.
14
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:30,098
Roger! I'm trying to talk to you
about death.
15
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,700
Do you realize we could go
at any time?
16
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,602
And as if that weren't
bad enough,
17
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,638
Jennifer's having a crisis
with her adult daughter, Ricki.
18
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:38,772
Can you listen to me?
19
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,374
Ricki won't move out
of the house.
20
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,643
And now Ricki's adult mom's
new boyfriend,
21
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,312
Douglath --
that's how he pronounces it
22
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,280
because he says that's
the "official" way --
23
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,548
- Douglath...
- FRANCINE: Ugh!
24
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,783
He's so annoying!
25
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,986
Brain, do what Roger
sounds like.
26
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,557
"Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah."
That's exactly right, brain.
27
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,925
Good impression.
28
00:00:58,025 --> 00:01:00,328
Ugh, maybe I should just go.
29
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Yeah, good idea.
30
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,464
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh, don't go!
31
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,733
Having you here
makes me feel so heard.
32
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,468
I guess that's why
you're my best friend
33
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,969
in the whole wide world.
34
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,838
- I'm your best friend?
- Yes.
35
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,273
What about Stan?
36
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:14,808
He's been distant since
we kissed at Coachella.
37
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,744
- How about Klaus?
- Derendorf?
38
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,312
The LA-based record producer?
39
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,080
- I barely know him!
- What about Steve?
40
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,081
Potrowski?
41
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,650
-Hayley --
-Joel Osment?
42
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A solid friend,
but we'll never be
43
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as close as you and me.
44
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Ugh.
45
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I guess I could hang out
a bit longer.
46
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,624
Good.
Oh, get this!
47
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Jennifer's daughter had sex
with a man at SeaWorld.
48
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In front of the dolphins.
49
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,531
And the dolphins started
acting all weird after.
50
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:40,334
They had to pour CBD oil
into the tank.
51
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,772
(patriotic music plays)
52
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
53
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♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
54
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,548
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
55
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:58,819
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
56
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,991
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
57
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,294
- ♪ Good -- ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
58
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:07,628
Aah!
59
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:12,233
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
60
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♪♪
61
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Death. Death.
Death. Death.
62
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,544
Death. Death.
Death.
63
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,813
ROGER: Oh, Franci-ine!
I got an update...
64
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,848
- (thud)
- ...about Ricki's adult mom
65
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,318
Jennifer's boyfriend,
Douglaaaath!
66
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,719
Hmm.
67
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,421
Where is she?
68
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,801
- (door opens)
- Oh, hey, Hayley.
69
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:35,923
Puttin' in a tampon?
70
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,358
- HAYLEY: Get out!
- (door slams)
71
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:39,727
ROGER: Sheesh.
Must be that time of the month.
72
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,197
Ooh, a visitor.
73
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,233
- Welcome to my alcove.
- Shh!
74
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,900
I'm hiding out from Roger,
75
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,003
and this is the last place
anyone would ever go.
76
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:53,574
KLAUS: Visitors can sometimes
say the cruelest things.
77
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Alas, why was I born
loving visitors so?
78
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:01,415
You must never let a visitor
see your tears, Klaus.
79
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,218
Ha-ha!
Good one, Francine.
80
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,221
I'm actually off to
a bit of a spa day
81
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,522
in the kitchen.
82
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,458
You should come with.
83
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,592
Francine?
84
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,727
You in here cooking up
some yogurt?
85
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,966
(steam hissing)
86
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,736
Ahh.
Nothing like a good steam.
87
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,541
So, what's going on
with you and Roger?
88
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,777
He doesn't listen to me anymore.
89
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,480
He's always blah, blah, blah
nonstop.
90
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,448
Seems like maybe the door
is opening wider
91
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,284
for our friendship.
92
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:37,385
Uch.
93
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:39,387
I don't come to the spa
to be hit on
94
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,655
by little orange lame-os.
95
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,925
I'm trying to solve my problem
with Roger.
96
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,795
Well, you could be honest
with him about your feelings.
97
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,464
Like you are with me
for some cruel reason.
98
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,432
Meh.
99
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:52,966
Well, if it's his
constant gabbing
100
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,404
that's driving you crazy,
go somewhere he can't talk.
101
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,571
Like space!
102
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,940
- Or the movies.
- Oh, that's great.
103
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,409
Because it's closer.
104
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:03,277
And I know how to get there.
105
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,845
And I have a coupon.
106
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,481
And you can't eat
Goobers in space.
107
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,417
They'd float away!
108
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,785
I think that's enough reasons.
109
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,256
♪♪
110
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So it turns out, Ricki's
boyfriend wasn't a lawyer.
111
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He was just carrying a briefcase
to and from Starbucks every day.
112
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,132
- Jennifer was crushed.
- Shh!
113
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:28,369
Mister, you're ruining
my first trip to the movies.
114
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,704
I see right through you, pal.
You're not a little kid.
115
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,706
You're just a tiny man
who gets his rocks off
116
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,551
pretending he's never been
to a theater before.
117
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(deep voice)
You don't know me.
118
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Roger, be quiet!
119
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,879
Fine, I'll whisper.
120
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,715
(whispering) So, Jennifer
is taking a trip to Chicago --
121
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,352
Oh, my gosh.
Have you ever been to Chicago?
122
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:47,020
There is so much
deep-dish pizza,
123
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,856
which is a thing I do not like.
124
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,892
I'm more of a super-flat
cheeseburger guy myself.
125
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,827
FRANCINE: What is happening?
126
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,397
I love this whispering.
127
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,775
Please direct me to your city's
finest, flattest cheeseburger.
128
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,167
FRANCINE: Goosebumps.
129
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:03,036
ROGER:
The real Chicagoan experience...
130
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,539
(electronic dance music plays)
131
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Waaaaahhhh!
132
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,810
Y'all feelin' this?!
133
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:13,046
Neuron dance partyyyyy!
134
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,917
♪♪
135
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♪♪
136
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,724
ROGER: ...a man on the bus said
it didn't matter how much
137
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I liked flat cheeseburgers.
138
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,995
That didn't make it
a Chicago thing.
139
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,897
So, whatever,
that trip was a bust.
140
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,198
The end.
141
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,736
No, keep talking about yourself,
142
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,605
and don't forget to whisper.
143
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,940
You're the best listener
in the world.
144
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,511
Okay, so after Chi-Town,
I was like,
145
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,713
"Why am I traveling so much?"
146
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:48,416
So I stayed home and went to CVS
147
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,183
and slid around the linoleum
148
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,687
in the socks Stan yelled at me
for wearing hiking.
149
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,189
(bell rings)
150
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,626
STEVE:
There she is, fellas.
151
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,128
The future Mrs. Ashley Wagner.
152
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,030
I'll be taking her name
when we get married.
153
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,032
Does she even know you exist?
154
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,034
Not yet,
but I've written a love note
155
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,268
to drop in her locker.
156
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,071
Smart!
Girls love to read!
157
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,474
I told her I'd reveal myself
at the dance
158
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,209
and signed it
"Your secret admirer,"
159
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,746
so she'll fall in love with me
for the merits of my writing
160
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:22,282
and not my
Rachel Maddow good looks.
161
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,451
Coming through!
162
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Dangerous
construction materials!
163
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,921
Shortcut to the site,
through the school!
164
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:32,960
♪♪
165
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,496
Ooh, goth girls.
Spooky.
166
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:39,667
♪♪
167
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,101
Steve, look out!
168
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,836
- Ugh!
- (rods clatter)
169
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,240
(students gasp)
170
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,409
Oh, God!
I could be blamed for this.
171
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,179
- Aaaah!
- Aah!
172
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,314
My sweet Steve!
173
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,484
We were friends!
174
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:59,487
(sobbing)
We were friends!
175
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,522
What are you talking about?
176
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:02,956
We're still friends.
177
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,257
Do you not feel it?
178
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,626
Feel what?
179
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,628
Hey, look.
Someone slipped me a note.
180
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,830
"Dear beautiful."
Hah!
181
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,999
Flattery will get you
everywhere.
182
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,834
"You're all I can
think about..."
183
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,934
(gasps)
184
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,804
Are you all right?
185
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,606
I'm better than all right!
186
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,808
I have a secret admirer!
187
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,376
And she's gonna reveal herself
at the dance!
188
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,178
Looks like ol' Steven Anita
189
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,015
might be the first
to lose his V-card.
190
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,316
(locker clangs)
191
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,284
(clanging continues)
192
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,824
♪♪
193
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,794
♪♪
194
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:41,894
(chuckles)
195
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,564
One of those days, huh?
196
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,534
Roger whispered.
197
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,301
- (steam hisses)
- And when he did,
198
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,539
it gave me
an incredible sensation.
199
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:55,909
A kind of peace and relaxation
I haven't felt
200
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:58,846
since I started
obsessing over death.
201
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:03,416
I got the chilly thrillies
up and down my neck!
202
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,152
Ah, yes.
203
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,154
Technically, it's called ASMR.
204
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,823
ASMR?
As in...
205
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:13,160
asymmetrical sexy men rule?
206
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,829
No. It's when you get
unbelievably relaxed
207
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,197
by whispers.
208
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,367
It also works with eating
pickles or other crunchy foods,
209
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:23,036
like, uh...
210
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,272
pickles, w-which is, uh...
211
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,439
the best example.
212
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,275
Some people think ASMR
is sexual,
213
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,678
but for most people, it's not.
214
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:32,112
But for me, it definitely is.
215
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,715
Klaus, this is perfect!
216
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:38,218
I'll just hang out with Roger
where he's forced to whisper.
217
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,630
- (tranquil music plays)
- (whispering) So it turns out,
218
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,856
Ricki's boyfriend didn't
run out on her.
219
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:46,560
He just got tangled in some
wind chimes at a Pier 1
220
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,562
and they found him
a couple of days ago,
221
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,131
severely dehydrated.
222
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,636
♪♪
223
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,971
That movie was really relaxing.
224
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,208
Oh, yeah, these Transformers
movies are so zen.
225
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,143
All that metal-on-metal
scraping.
226
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,579
And Optimus Prime
is sneaky funny.
227
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,281
Hanging out with you
has really taken my mind off
228
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,250
death by nuclear holocaust.
229
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,319
In fact, why are we leaving?
230
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,453
Let's see another movie.
231
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,622
I'm a little movied out.
232
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,162
Can we go somewhere
where I can talk?
233
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,658
Out loud?
234
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,292
Oh! Yes.
235
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,728
Great idea.
236
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,495
How about the...
237
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,631
library?
238
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,165
La biblioteca?
239
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,567
That's Spanish for
"Sure, why not?"
240
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,639
(whispering)
Oh, I am a total Hufflepuff.
241
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,573
Don't you think
I'm a Hufflepuff?
242
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,644
Francine, what the fuff
is a Hufflepuff?
243
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,114
Pickle?
244
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:44,317
A man would be a fool
to refuse a purse pickle.
245
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,353
(crunching)
246
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,121
Ahh!
247
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,257
(crunching continues)
248
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,961
Oh, that's nice.
249
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,929
Uhp, there's an owl in this.
250
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,749
If I was interested in things
with big eyes,
251
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,867
I would still be stalking
Emma Stone.
252
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,334
Do you think
I should check on her?
253
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,704
No, let's go
to a golf tournament.
254
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:06,506
Sure. A-And maybe on the way,
we swing by her parents' house
255
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,876
and see if they have
anything cool in their trash?
256
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,444
(birds chirping)
257
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,480
(whispering)
Douglath bailed on Jen,
258
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,548
so she went
indoor skydiving alone.
259
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:16,884
So brave.
260
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,687
I can't even go
to Souplantation alone.
261
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,723
What do you think
it would sound like
262
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,125
if you tapped your nails
on this book
263
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,494
I stole from the library?
264
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:31,531
(gentle tapping)
265
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,202
(grunts)
266
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,137
- Aah!
- (body thuds, crowd gasps)
267
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:38,739
I think he killed that guy.
268
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,140
(relaxed)
It's okay.
269
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,574
I've come to realize
270
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,677
death plays a beautiful role
271
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,913
in the circle of life.
272
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:48,916
♪♪
273
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,416
(whispering)
This funeral reminds me
274
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,853
of when Jennifer's dog
got heartworm.
275
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,187
It survived, of course.
276
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,089
That's the main difference.
277
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,759
Crinkle these noodles
as you talk.
278
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,060
You betcha.
279
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,329
(package crinkling)
280
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,865
Shortcut through the cemetery!
281
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,367
Ooh, this funeral's spooky!
282
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,673
Wow. My secret admirer
is a helluva writer.
283
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,009
Should we tell him
he wrote that letter?
284
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,345
Why?
Look how happy he is.
285
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,547
Just look at the way
she loops her L's.
286
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,283
She clearly knows her way
around a dick.
287
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,719
Should we at least
pull out the pole?
288
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,022
No, then he'll remember
he wrote the note!
289
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,691
You want to fix his brain
and break his heart?
290
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,026
(crunching)
291
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,963
Mm. This food tastes
kind of metallic.
292
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,464
Are you guys
getting any of that?
293
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,099
Yes, sirree!
294
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,802
Pearl Bailey's famous
copper nachos.
295
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,438
There's a lucky penny
melted into every batch!
296
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,407
So, you guys are assuring me
this is normal?
297
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:48,641
Ohhh, yeah.
298
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,244
Everything that's going on
is normal.
299
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,047
Normal's the word
of the day here.
300
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,483
♪♪
301
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,085
Francinie-weenie!
302
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,586
Ready to hang?
303
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,121
Huh, no Francine.
304
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,256
Welp, then I guess
this is a great time
305
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,126
for me to snooooop!
306
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,796
Spider-Man action figure.
307
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,463
Unexpected.
308
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,799
Grapefruit.
309
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,166
Another Spider-Man?
Wow.
310
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,835
She really has a thing
for Spider-Man.
311
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:18,005
- (buzzing)
- Ohhh!
312
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,339
What's this?
313
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,676
A microcassette
of "Roger's whispers"?
314
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,926
ROGER (whispering): And I'm
like, "What channels do I lose
315
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,417
if I move down
to the ultimate package?"
316
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:34,187
And she's like, "You'd lose
HGTV and DIY Network."
317
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,157
So, yeah, I still pay
$400 a month for cable.
318
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,501
- (button clicks)
- (Klaus whistling)
319
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:41,328
Klaus, do you know why Francine
is recording my stories?
320
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,468
Is she trying to steal them
for a book or something?
321
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,933
Like you did when you befriended
The Situation?
322
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,033
Yeah, like that.
323
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,945
Oh, no. She doesn't care about
what you're saying.
324
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,171
She just likes the sounds
your mouth makes
325
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,840
when you whisper and stuff!
326
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,507
They relax her.
327
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,310
She's recording
everything you do.
328
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,379
What?!
329
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,548
"Roger's crunching"?
330
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,117
(crunching)
331
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,063
- (button clicks)
- Oh, my God.
332
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,798
Is that what I sound like
when I eat pickles?
333
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,323
Ugh.
So nasally.
334
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,624
I thought I sounded more like
335
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,961
Dwayne "Vin Diesel 'The Rock'"
Johnson.
336
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:17,030
(deep voice) Rawr, we're family!
Crunch crunch.
337
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,900
(normal voice)
Francine's not listening to me?
338
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,869
(sobbing)
339
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,372
I caught you red-handed!
340
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,674
Hey, man, I paid for this toast.
341
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,242
"Roger's crunching"?!
342
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,411
You only care about my noises!
343
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,213
What's the big deal?
344
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,849
We're hanging out,
and your noises relax me.
345
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,217
You want to relax?
346
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,987
Listen to the crunch of me
destroying your tapes!
347
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:41,221
- (crunching)
- No!
348
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,422
Ahhh.
349
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,523
But no!
350
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,592
Oh, that's nice.
351
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,260
Well, that's all you're getting!
352
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,596
You won't get another sound
out of me!
353
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:52,265
Roger, I can just
follow you around
354
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,101
and tape whatever I want.
355
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,835
Oh, you're gonna follow me, huh?
356
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,570
Bet you won't follow me to...
357
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,672
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chernobyl.
358
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:01,909
Roger, you can't go
to Chernobyl!
359
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,343
It's dangerous!
360
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:06,413
Well, I'd rather die there
than be ignored here!
361
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,016
Hey, Mom.
Heads up --
362
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:10,683
I hit a cyclist with your car.
363
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:11,783
She's not dead.
364
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,963
I put her in the trunk
until I can come up with a plan.
365
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,089
Just letting you know
where I've been lately.
366
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,593
(somber music plays)
367
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:21,728
(frantically)
My whispers.
368
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,130
Where are my whispers?
369
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,431
I need my whispers!
370
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,466
I could do them
for you, Francine.
371
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,535
(gravelly whisper)
You're sssssafe
372
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,038
with Klaussssss.
373
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,706
No, just stop!
You don't have it!
374
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,077
Yessss, I dooooo.
375
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,079
I drove Roger away!
376
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,480
He left!
377
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:43,583
I drove him to the airport,
and then he left!
378
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,328
(normal voice)
Well, you could go after him.
379
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:48,421
Ooh, according to his Insta,
he's made it to Chernobyl.
380
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,423
Oh, no!
We've got to save him!
381
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,725
The radiation's gonna
make him sick!
382
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,228
It's already making him thirsty.
383
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,797
What the hell,
I'll give him a little sip.
384
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,768
(droning music plays)
385
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,606
What the hell am I doing here?
386
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,641
- Was this stupid?
- Yes.
387
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,743
Well, we have to find Roger.
388
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,613
According to Ask Jeeves,
we have five hours
389
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:17,350
before the radiation turns us
into walkin'-talkin' tumors.
390
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,319
Five hours 'til I turn
into that fish
391
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,621
from The Simpsons
with three eyes.
392
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,356
Do you watch The Simpsons,
Francine?
393
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,258
It's getting good.
394
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,693
And Jennifer's current boyfriend
395
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,596
is also a bartender
at TGI Friday's.
396
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,265
So either she's got a type
or she can't walk away
397
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,201
from free Jack Daniel's
Shrimp and Grits.
398
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,304
That is fine, but you have
very little time to live.
399
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:40,040
The radiation has already
eaten away your nose and ears.
400
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,775
Well, you look like a banana
with a handle.
401
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,877
- (air hissing)
- Pee-yew!
402
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,846
You been Vladimir Putin
in there?
403
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,015
What have you done?!
404
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,382
You should be thanking me!
405
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:50,984
You were just breathing it in!
406
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,652
Roger?
407
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,354
Well, look who it is.
408
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,690
The person I was wrong about how
afraid they were of Chernobyl.
409
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,993
I thought I wouldn't
see you here.
410
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,794
Roger, you look terrible.
411
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,230
You need to come home.
412
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,665
So you can have my whispers
at your disposal?
413
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:08,168
Well, you're not gonna like
my whispers anymore!
414
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,702
(whoosh)
415
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,172
(gasps)
416
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:16,243
The radiation has made them
more relaxing than ever!
417
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,645
- (whooshing)
- (distorted) Sleeeeep!
418
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,413
(both sigh)
419
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,750
(snoring)
420
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:26,719
Wow. I guess life is coming back
to Chernobyl.
421
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,490
(yawning)
422
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:33,926
I've heard of a weeping willow,
but a sleeping willow?
423
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,429
(ting!)
424
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,931
♪♪
425
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,101
(indistinct conversations)
426
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,938
There's only
a few more songs left.
427
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:50,043
Steve's gonna be devastated
when there's no secret admirer.
428
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:52,212
Did -- Did we handle this wrong?
429
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,746
I have an idea!
430
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,014
Hit me with it, Barry.
431
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:58,451
Maybe if we each got a pole
in our head,
432
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,454
we'd have secret admirers
like Steve!
433
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,723
Okay.
I'm on my own here.
434
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,592
Just gotta break
the news to him.
435
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,960
And I'll work on finding poles!
436
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,462
(sighs)
437
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,731
Steve, there's nobody coming.
438
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,266
That love note?
439
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,601
You wrote it yourself.
440
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,036
Ohhh. And I probably
don't remember
441
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,538
because I have a pole
in my head.
442
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,772
You know about that?!
443
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,241
I tied my bow tie.
444
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,909
Can't do that without a mirror.
445
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,377
So, in a way,
446
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,446
I'm my own secret admirer!
447
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,781
You always have been.
448
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:32,119
Me, may I have this dance?
449
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,754
Yes, me. You may.
450
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:41,060
♪♪
451
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,596
I got the poles!
452
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:44,776
- (grunts)
- (poles clatter)
453
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:47,267
(stammering)
454
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,103
Look!
Barry's doing a new dance!
455
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,739
I call it the Barry!
Everybody do the Barry!
456
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,507
♪ Barry, Barry, Barry ♪
457
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,143
♪ Do the Barry-Barry ♪
458
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:59,246
♪ He's a fat kid
who's almost fallin' down ♪
459
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:02,081
Lock the doors
until everyone does the Barry.
460
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,316
(droning music plays)
461
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,285
(both groaning)
462
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,187
(gasps)
463
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,988
How long were we out for?
464
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,757
We only have an hour
before we die.
465
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,426
And we don't have any idea
where Roger is.
466
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,362
Maybe he went that way.
467
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,997
(animals snoring)
468
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,366
But even if we find him,
469
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,268
he'll just put us
to sleep again.
470
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:22,602
Hmm.
471
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,504
Did you see the movie Bird Box?
472
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,506
It's been on my watch list
for like six months,
473
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,141
but I don't actually
want to watch it.
474
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,143
Well, what if instead
of Sandra Bullock
475
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,212
not being able to see,
476
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,946
she couldn't hear?
477
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:36,048
(gasps)
That sounds so scary!
478
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,517
But like I said,
I haven't seen it,
479
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,051
and I'm probably not going to.
480
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:42,389
(sighs)
We're gonna have to reach Roger
481
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,658
without our most
important sense.
482
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,729
I can't hear where I'm going!
483
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,232
How do deaf people get anywhere?
484
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,234
What, Francine?
Where are you?
485
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,803
What the hell?
486
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,671
(dramatic music plays)
487
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,574
KLAUS: Gawwww.
Stacked high animals.
488
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,210
This is horrible.
489
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,878
But now I'm getting used to it.
490
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,547
Now it's kind of cute.
491
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,149
(animals snoring)
492
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:19,259
♪♪
493
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,527
What are you doing here?
494
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:21,761
I thought I told you to
495
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,896
(distorted) sleeeep!
496
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,000
Wait, why aren't you asleep?
497
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,203
Roger, we've gotta go!
498
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,838
You're gonna die!
499
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:32,939
I don't care!
500
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:35,442
You don't belong here alone!
501
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:39,212
You wouldn't even go
to Souplantation by yourself!
502
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,113
You heard me!
503
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,382
Come on!
504
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,084
You're acting weirder
than those dolphins
505
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:49,522
after they saw Ricki having sex
with that guy at SeaWorld!
506
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,724
Oh, my God.
507
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,694
(pleasant music plays)
508
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:58,064
You were... listening to me
the whole time?
509
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,099
Well, part of the time.
510
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,701
You talk a lot, Roger.
511
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,570
I'm bound to pick up
bits and pieces.
512
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,972
That's so sweet of you,
remembering all that stuff
513
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,540
about people I made up.
514
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:09,776
Oh, no!
515
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,444
We've gotta get out of here.
516
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,712
Klaus is dying!
517
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,247
Or maybe it's too late for him,
518
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,882
but we have a little time.
519
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:18,385
Because there's a brunch place
I'd like to try out.
520
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,819
Although it might not be open.
521
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,589
A lot of stuff closed
after the, um...
522
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,891
nuclear unpleasantness.
523
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,263
I'm sorry I used you
for your noises.
524
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,231
I know I'm supposed to be
your best friend,
525
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,501
but I wasn't acting like it.
526
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:37,837
Well, you did face your fear
of death to come bring me home.
527
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,939
Huh, that's true.
528
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:43,276
Let's celebrate our friendship
by doing The Barry!
529
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,011
PRINCIPAL LEWIS:
♪ Barry, Barry, Barry ♪
530
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,513
♪ Do the Barry-Barry ♪
531
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:49,582
♪ He's a fat kid
who's almost fallin' down ♪
532
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:50,917
The Barry?
533
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,919
The radiation is
driving them insane.
534
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:54,186
I'm with you, brother.
535
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:55,588
These people are nuts.
536
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:56,956
But I've got your back.
537
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,358
I am your back!
538
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,793
(laughing)
539
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130
Have a great night!
37522
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