All language subtitles for inside.amy.shumer.1x10.dvdrip.x264-ositv

Well, that was fun.

Amy, you all right?

I don't know.

What's up?

I think I just thought
that I would be

more like the focal point?

Huh.
Were you not the focal point?

No.
No, definitely not.

Like, I just... It never
even occurred to me

that you would be
penetrating Phil.

Did I do that?

- For sure?
- Yes. Yes.

I thought you felt comfortable
with Phil.

I do.
I usually do.

Phil...

Look, you've been
our pharmacist how long?

Three years? Okay?

We moved closer to another CVS.

I said, "Let's stick with Phil,"
didn't I?

- Okay?
- She did.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive,
but, God, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

What's the problem, Amy?

I had an orgasm.

Probably the biggest one
I've ever had in my life.

You, Phil?

I didn't.
I didn't even come close.

Nobody touched me.

I went to the bathroom
at one point.

You guys didn't even realize.

No, it's too late, Phil.

I just wish
you hadn't been yelling,

"This feels so right."

Okay, how do you know
I wasn't talking about you?

This feels so right
with you, Phil!

Phil! Phil! Phil!

Okay.

I'm penetrating Phil!

I'll tell you something...
Men are not good at planning.

Can we just agree on that?
I have learned that.

They are not good
at planning unless

it's for a threesome, right?

Then they become fucking
event planners.

I'm like, "Why are you
wearing a headset

and holding a clipboard?

Is that the 'Braveheart'
soundtrack?

I don't, uh..."

Dylan, great job

on the "30 Ways to Know You're
20 Pounds Overweight" article.

I heard most girls were crying
by number seven.

All right, next order of shizz,

We're still 80 tips away
from being done

with "500 Hottest Sex Tips."

Start pitching.

What if, while you're going down
on him, you take a feather,

and you gently tickle
the space behind his balls?

Hunter, it's sex tips
to drive him wild,

not drive him mild.

That's hilarious.
Did you guys hear what I said?

Okay, write that down.

Actually, just put it
right on the blog.

I don't want people
to have to wait for that.

Okay, Lenore, go.

So you dress like a Boy Scout
but only from the bottom down,

and then you sit on his knee
and queef.

Interesting.
I like it. More.

Take a 5-Hour Energy
and pour it inside your vagina

right before you have sex.

Where's your office?
I'm moving it closer to mine.

Spin me around.

What if you take a pumice stone

and you hold it over
an open flame for like an hour

and then you gently grate it
up and down his shaft?

Wow. Love it.

Okay, guys, we need 75 more.
And don't be lazy.

So far the pumice stone's
my favorite.

You put his penis
in a glory hole.

You begin to stroke it.

You take a mouthful of cum
from his three best friends

and then you shoot it
in his face until he explodes?

Hmm.

What about a sawed-off shotgun?

You could take it
and rub it up and down his neck

till he's super hard.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Bridget.

You look like a sad emoticon.

Give me something.

Okay.

Okay, how 'bout this?

You fall in love
with a stockbroker,

you know, because it
really seems like

he wants to get married.

And then you're together
at the Chipotle,

and his friends from work
show up,

and he pretends like
you're busing the table.

So, what do you do?

You pick up his basket.
You clear his table.

You wipe it.

And then you say,
"Can I get you anything else?"

And you know what he says?

He says, "Yeah, could you
freshen our drinks?"

So you freshen
everybody's drinks.

Then you go back
into the kitchen,

you take somebody's card,
you clock out,

you go home,
and then what do you do?

You pour yourself
a bottle of chardonnay

and you sit on the toilet.

And then you start playing
Words With Friends with Lenore.

And then you just go
and you get into bed...

and then he explodes?

What's happening over here?

What's happening in this sectsh?

Bridget is going through
a breakup.

You don't know
what I'm going through.

Okay, she's a ticking time bomb.

Somebody top her off.

I'm not hearing sex tips.

What, are we hanging out?
Are you guys my friends?

- No.
- No.

You wait till he finds out
his dad's been diagnosed

with prostate cancer.

Then, while he's crying,
you put one finger...

two fingers up his butt
until he explodes?

I have one.

Make eye contact?

You're a cunt.
Fan me.

How about go to Trader Joe's

and buy an Amy's
frozen Indian dinner.

Then smear it
all over his genitals

in slow circles clockwise

and then counterclockwise.

I tried that.

And it works.
Okay?

You're fired. That eye-contact
thing was ridic.

Get out.

Guys, this article
is gonna cause a baby boom.

We're doing God's work.

2,000 men are suing Glamo
magazine for emotional damages,

claiming their sex tips

are at least partially
responsible for the fact

that they were bizarrely raped
by their girlfriends.

We spoke
to one of the plaintiffs.

I came here today
because I don't want anyone

to ever have to go through
what I went through.

I bet you guys didn't know
that you can, uh,

fit a Hanukkah candle
in your pee hole.

Well, guess what,
Glamo magazine.

You can't!

Now I have to piss in a bag.

What's your best sex tip?

I'm Taurus, so I'm kind of
a sensual lover.

So I'm, like, you know...

I'm really passionate.

Did you guys just hear that?
My underwear just fell off.

Do you have any good sex tips?

Biting.

Biting is good.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

G-spot.
Very important.

- Hook the fingers.
- You got to work the G-spot.

- Like, "Come over here."
- It's important, yes.

"I'll take the check,

but I first want to order
something else first."

There are a lot of
workshops you can take.

- I know, but I'm so lazy.
- Yeah.

What's your best sex tip?

I'd say flick your tongue
very quickly.

If he's uncut and the skin
covers the tip of the penis,

when he withdraws the penis

he becomes very sensitive, so...

You know, men fake orgasms.
Did you know that?

Did you know that?

Probably not with you,
you gorgeous sunflower.

But with this tulip...

I'm sure everyone fucks you
to completion, but this...

this petunia...

A guy faking an orgasm.
It's so funny.

I was dating this guy
and, uh, we were in New Orleans,

and we were wasted.

We were having sex,
and it was disgusting.

It was just like two seals
batting at each other's...

"Enh!"
Just drunken hams high-fiving.

It was awful.
And, uh...

And he was obviously done
with our shared experience

'cause he faked an orgasm.

And like, men,
you're not allowed to fake it.

You're not allowed.

There's hard evidence
if it doesn't happen.

I'm like,
"Oh, do you come magic now?

Wow.
Where is it?"

You can't. Especially if
it's your girlfriend.

Like, we know
the noises you make.

We don't know the faces you make

because that's something
you look at once by accident.

It's like looking into the sun.

You're like, "Ow!
Never again."

That is a one-time
kind of mistake.

But we do...
We know your noises.

So this guy,
we're having gross sex,

and he lets out
this fake weird noise

he's never made before, like,

"Bluh-uh-uh-uh-uh!"

I'm like, "Is your dick haunted
all of a sudden?

That's amazing."

Welcome to "How Will
This Relationship End?"

The dating game show
where two sexual women

guess how their relationship

with three eligible bachelors
might end.

Let's meet our contestants.

Amy, tell us a little bit
about yourself.

Okay, um, well,
I'm... I'm 31 years old.

I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

And I enjoy repeating
the same mistakes

over and over again
and never growing.

Fun!

Larissa, I understand
you're from Indiana?

That's right.

And romantically
I do have a type,

and that's anyone
who reminds me of my dad.

Ho ho!
Papa, can you hear me?

Okay, let's play.
Here's our first bachelor.

Hi.
My name's Brent.

I'm an accountant from Atlanta.

So, Amy, how do you see
this relationship ending?

Okay, uh, we'll go on
three terrible dates,

and, uh, he'll make me order
appetizers as entrées.

And even though
I'm mildly disgusted by him,

it'll bother me that I never
hear from him again.

I could believe that.

Larissa.

Uh, I think we'd probably
go out for about two months,

and then I would discover
that he writes movie reviews

for a white supremacist website.

Let's see what Brent has to say.

My favorite movie
was "Lincoln."

I thought Daniel Day-Lewis
was incredible

as that war criminal.

Perfect ending.

- Larissa, you're on the board!
- Whoo!

Let's meet our next bachelor.

Hey.
My name Is Ryan.

I'm from the Bronx,
and I work at Fill-A-Bear.

A lot of people mishear
that as Build-a-Bear.

But Fill-a-Bear is different.

See, I empty out
old teddy bears,

and then I sell the carcasses
to Build-A-Bear.

Larissa.

Well, first of all, I will
fall in love with Brent

because he looks like my dad,

uh, which will cause me to turn
into a hoarder like my mother.

10 seconds, Larissa.

Oh, uh, and then, uh,
we'll have a huge fight one day

when he throws out
one of my treasures...

an umbrella that
says "Advil" on it...

and then he walks
out of my life forever

and I call my dad?

Amy.

Okay, after dating
for about six months

I accidentally get pregnant.

And even though we're not
really together anymore,

he won't let me get an abortion?

Good answer.

Well, let's see
what Ryan has to say.

I would never pay child support.
But I'm strongly pro-life.

Don't argue with me,

'cause I'm not smart enough
to defend my position.

Yankees rule!

- Amy, you nailed it.
- Yes!

Let's check out
our final bachelor.

I work at the Apple Genius Bar.

Amy, how do you see this ending?

Okay, um, I think
I've got this one, Tom.

Uh, we'll date for
about eight months,

and then I'll open
a folder on his desktop

labeled "football stuff"

and find 400 photos
of Daniel Radcliffe.

Amy, I'm gonna stop you
right there.

You're absolutely right!

Yes, yes, yes!
It's happened a lot.

I'm gay.

Congratulations, Amy.
You win!

Yes!

Join us next week
for another episode of "How..."

Hey, Dad, it's me.

Well, I lost,
just like you said I would.

Yeah.
I can call you back later.

And now
the epic finale of "Love Tub."

The two remaining bachelorettes

prepare for their final date
with Ben.

I just really wish

that we didn't have to go on
this last date as a threesome.

There's enough of him
to go around.

I just don't like to share Ben
with anyone.

When I just said that, I mean,
I'm talking about his dick.

Oh!

It's like so... It's like,
Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ding!

Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Ding!

Like, corn... like eating
corn and a typewriter.

You guys slept together already?

No. No.

No?

I mean, yeah, like what do
you consider sleeping together?

It's like, you know, who cares?

I mean, isn't that what
this show is? Like, what...

No.

I just want to start off
our last night with a toast

to the two most beautiful...

You know what? I'm, like, not
in a champagne mood. I'm sorry.

Like, can I just get
a cranberry vodka?

I'm like more than flirting
with a yeast right now.

When I pee, it's like somebody's
blowing glass down there.

Thank you. Cool.
Coolio. You're the best.

Okay, go.
You, you, you.

Like, this is about you,
not this.

To the two most beautiful,
classy women.

I'm so thankful

I've had the chance to go on
this journey with you both.

- So, cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers, queers.

Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Like, not totally my fault.
I'm sorry.

They're like, "Whuuh!"
So...

But, seriously, can I just
get one more of those, like...

but, like, vodka.

It's, like, we're all adults,
so...

Tonight I have an incredibly
hard decision to make

about who I want to escort
into the Love Tub.

- So I...
- Like, when is it lice?

Like, legwise.

Oh, Amy, you have
an amazing spirit.

I'd never even heard of the game
leaky submarine until I met you.

Mm!

- What's leaky submarine?
- He plugs all my holes.

Yeah.

I thought I'd ask you both

about your dreams
for the future.

My dream for the future is

right now if somebody
brings us some curly fries.

Right?
It's like, that'd be good.

To soak up all the booze.

We're just, like, drinking,

and it's like...
Ugh! Perfect storm.

Tiffany, if I ask you
to join me in the Love Tub,

would you be willing
to move to Utah

to start our lives together?

Yes.
I grew up around horses.

When I ride,
I feel like I'm flying.

Amy...

Moving on.

Tiffany, what do you think
is the secret

to a lasting relationship?

My parents have been married
for over 40 years,

and they taught me
that the key ingredients

are trust and respect.

That's so beautiful.

What do you think, Amy?

Okay, well, I think I...

m-maybe I might have told you
this at one point,

but I dated this guy Ricky
for like

Five months, okay?

Real piece of shit.

He was, like, my dealer,

and then he wasn't,
and then he was.

Da da-da da-da.
He made out with my sister.

She's a slut.

She would be, like,
amazing on this show.

If they're doing the next one.

Tiffany.

Amy.

I've never had to make
a harder choice.

You are both...

I'm sorry.

Did we actually
order curly fries

or, like, where do we stand

with that whole situation
right now?

Whew.

Okay, they have the fries.

They're just not bringing 'em
because we're filming.

Like, no one cares.
It's fine.

Like, it's fine? It's fine?
It's fine.

I've made my decision.

Tiffany...

Would you please join me
in the Love Tub?

Yes!
Yes!

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Are we going to see Ben
right now?

No, Ben's in the Love Tub
with Tiffany.

He chose her.

Yeah, right, he chose her.

He would never choose her.
She's a... She's a bitch.

She's dumb.

She looks like...

One time in this lighting,
I was like, "Eww!

"Oh, Tiffany, you're... Eww!"

Can somebody hold my hair?

Okay, guys, I know I said
some bad things about you,

but please hold my hair.

I'm okay.

Okay, I am superexcited.
You guys were amazing.

I'm so proud to be bringing up
the final act.

She's my good friend, and we are
on the road now together.

We get to travel together.

You know who she is.

She is incredible.

My friend, my hero...
Bridget Everett.

I know a lot of you
look up here,

you say, "There's a woman that's
really got her shit together."

I get it, you know?

Great tits, nice trim ankles,
voice of an angel.

But if I'm being honest,
you know,

I got some problems.

There was a time when I went
through what I'd like to call

a transitional phase, you know?

Back in the '80s,
my nipples came in.

Not my titties, but my nipples.

My brothers went around school,

and they got everybody to
call me little nippy-titty,

little nippy-titty,
little nippy-titty.

My mom said, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Nothing."

And then she sat down
next to me.

She put her hand down
the back of my pants.

Not in a fucked-up way

but just 'cause I got
real soft skin, you know?

She said, "What's wrong?"

I said, "Well, Brock and Brian
got everybody at school

calling me little nippy-titty."

You know what she said?

You want to know what she said?

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh,
don't you cry ♪

And then she said,
"Come with me.

Let's have a drink,
hit the track."

She said, "Bridget..."

She said, "Bridget,
you're a woman now.

You got to stand tall

and be proud
of what your mama gave you.

Do you hear me?"

♪ You got them
little nippy-titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ She got them
tube-sock titties ♪

♪ She put 'em in the air ♪

♪ I got these
beaver-tail titties ♪

♪ I put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them
low-riding titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
Cracker Jack titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
rubber-ducky titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them fuck-me
little titties, yeah ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
meatball titties, ow! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
health-insurance titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ And then
we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got them
slingshot titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
big mama titties, unh! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
slip-and-slide titties, ow! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them
ugly-sweater titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them
mama's girl titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them Nurse Jackie
titties... I don't know ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ And then
we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got them
triple-threat, peach-pit ♪

♪ Jersey girl titties ♪

♪ Wolfman Jack, caveman,
lumberjack titties ♪

♪ Pussy eatin', fire hose,
slipshod titties ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce ♪

You guys, we did it!

It's like Cancun.
Triplicate!

- Oh!
- Just sit on my face.

Cut.

"Sweetie"?
That's my nickname.

Okay, Phil, would you mind
leaving, please?

Can... Please, can he leave,
please?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're freaking out.

Too many "heys."