All language subtitles for S01E06.Meth.Lab-AuP.HI.en

[Microwave beeps]

Amy, you look amazing.

What are you doing?
Weight Watchers? Jenny Craig?

[Exhales sharply]
Yeah, right.

Those take
too much self-control.

Last time I checked,
I wasn't a robot.

Boop-boop-boop.
Nope.

How'd you do it?

With Slap Chef.
With Slap Chef.

With Slap Chef.

- [Slap!]
- Slap Chef. What's that?

It's a new weight-loss program

that takes decision-making
out of the equation.

How does it work?

ANNOUNCER: First, one of
Slap Chef's world-class chefs

makes you one
of their signature dishes.

Then, before you can say
"Slap Chef,"

they knock it out
of your stupid mouth.

- [Slap!]
- Slap Chef!

What kind of food do they make?

All kinds.

ANNOUNCER: Sandwiches.
Slap Chef!

Lobster bisque
with créme fraiche.

- Slap Chef!
- Fuck!

ANNOUNCER: Turkey.
Slap Chef!

Fettuccine Alfredo.

Slap Chef!

But what if I fight back?

Go for it.
All of the chefs are trained

in the art of tai chew moi.

- [Slap!]
- I swear to God

if you ever touch me again,
I'll...

[Muffled shouting]

- ANNOUNCER: Slap Chef!
- [Panting]

What about
that mumbo-jumbo I heard

about Slap Chef being just
abject violence against women?

Hmm?

ANNOUNCER: Slap Chef!

Do you guys remember...
Like, do you remember bread?

Remember?

[Light laughter]

Do you remember this?
White girls? Bread?

It's mostly made of bread.

You would eat it and feel good.

You wouldn't, like, cut yourself
and cry and be, like,

"How can I do this to America?"

[Light laughter]

Let's just eat bread again.

Men don't care.
They don't care.

So, I guess, like, some guys,
they want to sleep with a girl

that's, like,
a skeleton wrapped in plastic.

That's fine
if that's what you want.

But I'm gonna keep eating
and showering infrequently.

- Uh...
- [Laughter]

[Upbeat music plays, applause]

It is time for our "Get Up"
makeover six-month follow-up.

I love this.

I know how you do.

- You might remember Amy...
- Sure!

Whose co-workers thought
this overworked people pleaser

needed a day of pampering and
a new look to snag her a man.

Oh.

Wow. That is hideous.

- Ohh...
- Somebody's gonna die alone.

So six months ago,
Lisa, our makeover expert...

- I love her.
- I know.

She's the best in the business.

She went to work,
and she turned that into thls.

That's a beautiful woman.

- I know.
- She looks terrific.

- [Applause]
- She looks great.

So, Lisa is at her house live...

- Hmm?
- And we're gonna check in

and see how she's
been maintaining her new look.

Hi, guys.

I am so excited to see Amy
and how pretty she looks.

[Knock on door]

- Ah!
- Oh! [Chuckles]

I'm sorry. I-I think
I may have the wrong house. I...

Amy?

Yeah, you have the right
house... 623 Supermodel Lane.

Get in here, you lifesaver.

- LISA: Oh.
- Hi!

Oh, my God.

I knew that you would think

I wouldn't be able
to keep this look going on,

but check it out!

I did it, girl!

We did it!

What happened
to your... your hair?

Well, you know what?
I knew if I shampooed it,

I would lose
this beachy-wave thing

that you guys created,
so I just been skipping it.

I mean, you were right.

I don't have to blow-dry it.
I don't have to wash it.

It's so easy!

No, I-I definitely never said
you didn't have to wash it.

- Oh, I thought you said that.
- I never said that.

So...

Why is there an elliptical
in the bathtub?

- Oh, you know what?
- Oh, my God.

I never had space for it before,
but I just thought, you know,

now that the bathroom's
kind of like irrelevant,

just go for it, you know?

I mean, why not have
a fierce booty

to match my slamming new style?

- [Imitates sizzling]
- Oh, my God.

You haven't been showering.
Is that...

Uh, no, no.

But people
have been showering me...

with compliments.

Well, it looks like you
haven't even washed your face.

Okay, okay.
Yeah, you know what?

I loved that... that smoky-eye
thing that you guys did.

So I knew I couldn't re-create
it, so I just let it bake in.

Well, y-you didn't
have to re-create it.

It's just mascara,
just an extra layer. It's easy.

Right, right, right.
But I'm, like, a total idiot.

[Chuckles] So that's why
it's important that I'm hot.

Have you even changed
your clothes?

Uh, no, I didn't.

And now I can't.
[Chuckles]

Excuse me, ma'am?
Is this your residence?

We've had some complaints
about a foul smell here.

Hi. I live here.
[Chuckles]

Uh, the neighbors are worried
that someone may have died.

Oh, no. Nobody died...

but my body is sick.

Hi, I'm Amy.
[Chuckles]

Boyfriend alert.

[Chuckles]

- Hi.
- OFFICER: Hi.

AMY: [Giggles]

[Coughing lightly]

[Upbeat music plays]

If there's one thing
that you could change

about the way you look,
what would it be?

The way I look? I don't even
really think about that.

Well, think about it now.

You're pulling off braces
pretty good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I used to wear braces
on my legs.

Have you ever had sex
with a fat chick?

- Yes.
- How was it?

It was so funny.

If she would've sneezed, she
could've threw me into the TV.

Me trying to hold her legs
to the bed to try to do that,

and if she would've sneezed

she could've tossed me
across my bed.

The old saying,
"If she would've sneezed,

- I would've been in my TV."
- Correct.

[Banjo playing]

[Inhales sharply]

[Redneck accent] Whew!

I think I left most of myself
in there.

Uh, I'm telling ya.

I was seeing stars at one point.

[Redneck accent]
I always tell people

no one stinks up a bathroom
like my brother Skeet.

I tell you what.

That's what I tell them.

- No, Becky!
- What?!

Don't mix those two things.
It's very explosive.

I'm sorry I yelled at ya.

I know you got the blinks now,

but we've got to get
this batch right.

If we can do that,
we can move out of this dump

and move
to where dreams comes true.

BECKY:
Yeah, that's right, Skeet.

Goodbye, Kansas City, Kansas.

Hello, Kansas City, Missouri!

- Mm.
- We'll go fishin'

like we used to, right, Skeeter?

That's right, Beck.

And we're gonna be using
real fishin' wire this time.

Oh, that's right, Skeet.

Oh, our best days
lie ahead of us.

- No, Becky!
- What?!

[Explosion]

Oh. Holy Moses.

What the hell?

Oh, my God, Beck!
Don't look down!

What? Why?

What?!
Ah, I got no damn arms!

Yeah, it seems like
they come up missing.

I can still go fishin',
right, Skeet?

Sure, sure, you can.

Uh... Uh, yeah, we'll
go fishin' still, yeah.

I mean, we could still kick
possums around the coal mine.

Y-You don't need no arms
for... for possum kicking,

do you, Skeet?

Yeah, I-I suppose you don't
kick with your arms, yeah.

Hey, listen, pumpkin.

I'm... I'm gonna go put
these in some ice

and call an ambulance,
all right?

No, t-they'll put us
in jail for sure.

I'll just use this here towel
to stop the bleeding.

No, Becky Lee!

Oh!

[Explosion]

Oh, geez.

Beck, where are ya?

- Beck?
- Skeet?

Holy Moses!

I can't seem to feel my legs,
Skeet.

That's 'cause
you ain't got none, Beck.

Oh. Makes sense, then.

Well, w-we can still do all
those things we talked about,

right, Skeeter?

Uh, yeah, sure, sure.

I guess you could put my torso
on a log by the creek.

And I could sing
one of my good songs?

Sure, we can do all that.

Your torso's gonna see
the world.

It sure is, Skeet.

W-What are you doing now?

I need to cauterize the wound.

SKEETER: No, Beck!

[Explosion]

We're gonna make it, right,
Skeet?

That's right, Beck.

Hey, how 'bout ya sing us
one of them good songs?

Both:
♪ Possum bleeding on my torso ♪

♪ Critters nibblin' my neck ♪

Did you almost die ever?

Um... yeah.

My cousins would call it

the first kid
to ever die off of marijuana.

You got that high?

Yeah, and I
kind of, like, passed out.

That would be the slowest death.

- Ever.
- Oh, my gosh.

- But you still do it?
- Yeah.

You have to be real careful
not to do drugs and black out

'cause you can wind up
with your own

- motherfucking TV show!
- [Laughter]

All right. Sorry about that.

ANNOUNCER:
You've tried Slap Chef.

- [Buzzer]
- But that just left you hungry

and with a searing headache.

And those other weight-loss
programs are exhausting.

Can't I just do nothing?

ANNOUNCER: What if I told you
you could with Sleep Gym?

AMY: I'd say sign me up.
But what's Sleep Gym?

ANNOUNCER:
Sleep Gym is a workout program

where we do all the work.

Huh?

Are you from Sleep Gym?

ANNOUNCER:
After we induce you into a coma,

it's off to the gym.

As the Sleep Gym trainers

take your body
through strenuous workouts,

the increased blood flow

painlessly burns
the calories away.

You'll never have to feel
yourself doing annoying things

like hiking,

kickboxing,

the official boot camp
of the United States Navy SEALs.

[Whistle blows]

Move it,
you sleepy piece of shit!

All right.
See you later, Mom!

WOMAN:
Where are you going?

The gym.

[Groans softly]

ANNOUNCER:
Sleep Gym. Order now.

I dated a wrestler
this past summer.

Yeah.
Yeah, I dated a wrestler.

And that was not my world.
I don't know...

I knew nothing. I didn't know
how to talk to him.

He'd be like,
"I'm going to work."

I'd be like,
"Have a great contest!"

He's like, "What?"

I'd be like, "Who are you
wrestling tonight? Stillborn?"

He's like, "That's not a name."
I'm like, "Okay."

[Light laughter]

And we were just, like,

way different in the bedroom,
you know?

Like, we had different styles.

His style was, like,

really energetic
and, like, moving around.

And, like, my style,
like, what I like,

I like to, like, lay there.

[Laughter]

So [sighs]

[Laughter]

You're gonna be obsessed
with Amy.

She is the best trainer
I've ever had.

Perfect. I need this.
I've been so bad lately.

- I know. Me too.
- Good afternoon, ladies.

Oh, I see some of you
are back for more. Love it.

- [Techno music plays]
- Let's get started.

Warm-ups, jumping jacks.
You know 'em, you love 'em.

This is not an exercise class.

This is a funeral
for the fat you, okay?

Let me tell you something.
You will not be missed.

By the time you leave here,

your titties are gonna be
squirting Muscle Milk.

Is that something you're
interested in? I am. All right.

Keep eye contact
with yourself in the mirror,

Look at who you are.
Is that who you want to be?

Let's get to know each other
while we're here today.

Maybe after.
That's good, ladies.

Bring it down for the step
and touch, step and touch.

[Breathes deeply]

Great heat coming off your
broiler. People tell you that?

Um, nope.
No one's ever...

I think we can turn up the temp.

- Whoa!
- All right.

Look, I'm not gonna mince words
with you, sweethearts...

This workout is hard.

You will be a weapon
with a pussy on it.

Hey. I like this.
You didn't have this last time.

Okay. Squat it down.

Hold it here.

Little lower.

By the time you leave here,

you will literally be
un-rape-able.

That's right.

All right, ladies.
Forehead planks.

Get down.
Hit it. Hit it.

Hit it!
Keep it down.

This does technically violate
the Geneva Convention.

Waterboarding my clit, this
is the real torture right here.

This is the real torture!

A lot of people don't know,

this is the exercise that
broke up Anne Heche and Ellen.

Maybe you didn't know
they were together.

That was a big news item
for a while.

Do not tweet that. I
should not have even said that.

That is not...

That's privileged information.
Forget I said that.

Just hold it down here.
Okay, hold it down!

If you commit
to this workout here today,

your abs are gonna be so tight,

you won't be able
to have children.

Maybe your boyfriend's
cool with that.

I don't know, maybe
you don't have a boyfriend.

Maybe you're
of a different persuasion.

I'm sorry?

Kegel! Here we go.

Draw your vagina in
and hold it so tight

so you could, like,
rip a dick in half, you know,

or some other metaphor
that's more personal to you.

- You doing 'em?
- Yep.

- Really?
- Yes, I am.

'Cause, you know, if you cheat,
you're only cheating yourself.

I know.
That's why I'm doing them.

I mean, I'll check.
It'll be my pleasure.

- [Grunts]
- Oh, okay. Now you're doing 'em.

I want to tell you guys
a little story, okay?

A story
about a little fat girl...

a little fat girl
with a heart of gold.

All she wanted to do is...

eat DunkAroos
and watch "DuckTales."

I punched her in the face
because she was a pussy!

I hope there aren't
any pussies in here,

'cause I eat pussy
for breakfast.

She eats pussies for breakfast.

- Do what she says!
- She doesn't eat pussy.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were talking.

Is this HBO's "In Treatment"?
Is that what you think this is?

I don't think
it's HBO's "In Treatment."

Oh, no?
Well, what do you think it is?

I'd love to hear
what you think it is.

You've got my attention.
What are you gonna do about it?

Whoa! Whoa!

Stay away from my window,
Melissa Etheridge.

- Chill it out right now.
- Oh, my...

- I'm so sorry. I think we...
- AMY: Wrong team.

- I think I misunderstood.
- I'm a dick lady.

I love dick.

That's what I do...
tons of dick.

Round-the-clock dick.
Dick parade.

Anyway, everybody line up.
Uterus thrusts, okay?

And I don't want you to feel
weird about what just happened

when you just tried to kiss me.
Okay, here we go.

Don't be a stranger
to the person in front of you.

Thrust it. Feel it, okay?

Okay, that's enough.
That's... That's good.

Keep it just moving
around the room, okay.

Keep it moving around the room.

I-I do women, actually.

I'm not a lesbian...
I look like a lesbian.

You do. You do.
You could be gay.

But people think I'm gay.

- When I'm eating them out.
- Yeah.

[Laughter]

What type of a person would
you guys have a threesome with?

Would she have to be,
like, clean?

Did you say,
"Would she have to be clean?"

Uh-huh.
You want it to be a dude?

No, I would want it to be
a girl.

I just find it, you know,
funny...

- That I assumed it?
- Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm obviously
feeling that we have a vibe.

[Both chuckle]

But what kind of a girl,
other than, like, you know,

a comedian
who grew up on Long Island?

ANNOUNCER:
You tried Slap Chef.

- [Buzzer]
- You tried Sleep Gym.

But now it's time to try
something that really works.

Introducing Sever Spine,
the new way to lose weight

by eliminating
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but I didn't have a lot of time.

Thanks, Sever Spine.

How'd you like to get between
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Take a number.

Are you one of the millions
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Sever Spine and suffered
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Hi, I'm Martin Davis

of the law offices
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Our legal team specializes
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for innocent victims like you.

Remember that fat ass?
Yuck.

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.

My eating was out of control,
and exercise?

Forget it.

That is, until I invented
these... Sit 'Em Ups!

You can do these things
everywhere.

On the living room,

in front of a house,

in the bathroom
during a fancy dinner party.

It just seems like
a regular sit-up.

Well, it is!

Why do I need you to tell me
to do sit-ups?

Can't I just do sit-ups
and not pay you money?

Let me ask you something.

Before I said, "Do sit-ups,"
were you thinking

- about doing sit-ups?
- No.

Then shut your fat mouth!

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So, Dominique,

- you are a ballerina.
- Yes, I am.

When I think of a ballerina,

I think of very sort of
buttoned up and repressed.

- That's not right?
- No. The first thing

when I tell people that I'm a
dancer, they think a pole...

Really? You're not coming in
as stripper to me.

Like, I'm not like, "Oh,
this girl fucks for money."

You actually have to shift
your hips a lot.

But not
in the typically sexy way,

like, when you think
a ballerina's hips,

you're not like [grunts]

Like, you know,
you have to pull your dick out.

If you think about it,

we try and pick our legs up
as high as possible.

So it actually has always been
an on-the-low sexy thing.

Right.
No, it's no secret.

Like, if a girl
can put her leg up here,

like, that seems
it would be easier

- to put a cock right in there.
- [Laughs]

That's the thinking, right?

Do you think you are better
at, like, sex than most people

because you're flexible?

Actually, I definitely had
guys who just expect you

to just do splits all the time.

- [Laughs] That's so gross.
- Just like...

Yeah, it's like, even sexually,
it's like,

maybe sometimes you don't want
to put your legs over your head.

- You know?
- Exactly.

Luckily, no one ever expects

- anything from me.
- [Chuckles]

How much percent of the day
would you say you're hungry?

You always want
something to eat,

but you can never actually
eat a whole meal

because you always
have to be ready

to do a little workout
where you can fit it in.

Do people look
mostly overweight to you?

I think when we're
in the studio,

I'll have that feeling of,

"Am I the biggest dancer
in the room? Oh, my goodness."

You should be a comedian.

I am always the most gorgeous
person in the room.

Like, if your boyfriend
were to take you

to the perfect restaurant,
what would it be?

Would it literally be,
like, a bird feeder?

[Laughs]

I'm gonna list food, and you
tell me if you would eat that.

Mac and cheese.

No, definitely not.

Have you ever eaten
a whole doughnut?

No. Not since
I was a kid, maybe.

Pizza with prosciutto,
asparagus, and parmesan cheese,

- like a brick-oven...
- It sounds really great...

Oh, wait. No, I'm just ordering
something. I'm sorry.

Are there
straight male ballerinas?

There are.

Do girls
just, like, fight over them?

Just like, just...
buns being ripped out and blood

when there's
a stray dude around or what?

I never wanted to date
within my class.

- Too awkward...
- Like, meaning financially?

No! [Laughs]

- I meant within our studio.
- Oh, okay.

Have you ever gotten drunk?

- No.
- You should try it.

I think you'd be
really fun to see drunk.

It would probably be good
for you to lose control

a couple times,

and this is coming from someone
who has, you know,

shown their breasts
at many horse races

and just bars, kind of for fun.

Do you do any... anything?

Any recreational
substance abuse?

No, unless you count chocolate,

which is really bad
for a ballerina.

I don't.
I don't count chocolate.

I mean, it's not an addiction
that...

You're never gonna suck dick
for chocolate.

[Laughing] No.

Are you a good dancer?

I could possibly, you know,
do a little one-two.

- Really?
- You gonna show me something?

Like, I'm working
with something.

What are you working with?
Let's see.

I don't know. You showed me
a step that you do in the clubs.

I don't know.

I really don't like to dance
out on the street,

but, what?

What do you call that?

I dropped something.

- [Laughs]
- Wait, what's happening?

I want to see you, like,
drop it like it's hot.

Let me see it.
♪ Unh ♪

Yeah, like a sudden drop...
Yeah, get it.

You do it better
than me, I'm jealous.

You're not even really doing it,

you just look like
you're punching me.

- SKEETER: No, Becky Lee!
- What?!

[Snorting]
The fuck?!

[Chuckles]
Stop trying to make me laugh

with your snorting,
you piece of shit.

H-e-e-e-eat!

[Laughs]

- MAN #1: Cut.
- MAN #2: Keep that.

[Sings indistinctly]

BOTH:
♪ We're gonna make it... ♪

- [Laughter]
- MAN: All right.

[Grunting]

[Chuckles] When you're in
a coma, your eyes cross, right?

We're gonna get
one of them fancy houses.

Right? With them glass
in the windows?

Nothing but the best, pumpkin.

BECKY: And maybe we'll even get
one of them hill floors.

Well, them are called
stairs now, Beck.

Them are called stairs.