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1
00:00:02,791 --> 00:00:06,350
My friend sent me
a porn link this morning.
2
00:00:06,470 --> 00:00:08,150
Like, you know, my friend and I
3
00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:10,829
will send each other porn
once in a while.
4
00:00:10,949 --> 00:00:12,949
Just, you know, if it's good,
or if one of the guys
5
00:00:13,069 --> 00:00:15,229
looks like one of our dads
or something fun, just...
6
00:00:17,469 --> 00:00:20,148
You know,
we're having a friendship.
7
00:00:21,628 --> 00:00:24,867
I don't know. I've just never
really been into porn.
8
00:00:24,987 --> 00:00:26,147
I mean, the idea of people
9
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:28,067
getting paid to have sex,
it's just...
10
00:00:28,187 --> 00:00:29,987
It's awful.
It's never ever turned me on.
11
00:00:30,107 --> 00:00:31,826
Totally.
Like, I hear you.
12
00:00:31,946 --> 00:00:33,826
But trust me, this is...
It's just different.
13
00:00:33,906 --> 00:00:35,746
It's not like porny porn.
It's...
14
00:00:35,866 --> 00:00:37,465
It feels like real sex.
15
00:00:37,585 --> 00:00:40,065
It just happens to be,
literally,
16
00:00:40,184 --> 00:00:42,025
from the woman's point of view.
17
00:00:42,104 --> 00:00:45,184
- I'm curious, I guess.
- Yeah.
18
00:00:53,942 --> 00:00:55,302
Oh...
19
00:01:05,621 --> 00:01:07,420
Oh...
20
00:01:12,859 --> 00:01:15,418
Move down.
Move down, move down. Move down.
21
00:01:15,538 --> 00:01:17,859
- Ow, you're on my hair.
- Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
22
00:01:17,979 --> 00:01:19,474
Did you ever see
that movie "Spanglish"?
23
00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:20,698
What?
24
00:01:20,818 --> 00:01:22,098
Call me Adam Sandler.
25
00:01:22,218 --> 00:01:24,617
Can you... Can you move your...
bend your leg back more?
26
00:01:24,737 --> 00:01:25,777
No.
27
00:01:25,897 --> 00:01:27,217
Oh. All right.
Sorry.
28
00:01:27,336 --> 00:01:30,057
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
29
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,736
Ohh!
30
00:01:31,857 --> 00:01:33,216
Oh!
31
00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:39,375
Ohh. Ohh.
32
00:01:39,495 --> 00:01:41,575
Don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't.
33
00:01:41,695 --> 00:01:43,375
Okay.
34
00:01:46,693 --> 00:01:49,973
Got a $75 bld now?
At $75.
35
00:01:50,093 --> 00:01:54,453
Did you show me this so I would
think guys were gross
36
00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:56,012
and I would lez out with you?
37
00:01:58,132 --> 00:01:59,412
It worked.
38
00:02:19,368 --> 00:02:21,649
Do you think there's, like,
a porn they can make for women
39
00:02:21,688 --> 00:02:23,088
that would be more appealing?
40
00:02:23,207 --> 00:02:25,607
Bottomless guys vacuuming.
I don't know.
41
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,086
'Cause they're cleaning up.
42
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:29,486
Trashy porn is so gross.
43
00:02:29,606 --> 00:02:31,022
I thought you were
gonna say "trapeze,"
44
00:02:31,046 --> 00:02:32,406
but I'm glad
you said "trashy."
45
00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:34,125
I generally don't watch porn.
46
00:02:34,246 --> 00:02:36,846
You liar.
No one believed you.
47
00:02:36,965 --> 00:02:39,685
That car is honking
at what a liar you are.
48
00:02:43,084 --> 00:02:46,763
I had an encounter with
a huge cock this past year.
49
00:02:47,843 --> 00:02:48,924
Are you excited about it?
50
00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,643
'Cause I wasn't.
It was...
51
00:02:51,763 --> 00:02:54,842
A huge penis,
I think it's like a unicorn.
52
00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:58,082
Like in theory, you're like,
"Yes!
53
00:02:58,202 --> 00:03:00,761
I would love to see
a unicorn up close.
54
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:01,761
Yes."
55
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:05,160
But if a unicorn was actually
standing in front of you,
56
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,320
you'd be like, "Fuck that!"
And you would run.
57
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,680
You'd run.
58
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,200
You'd be like,
"Oh, it's just a horse
59
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,679
with a weapon on its head."
60
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:16,958
Which is what a giant penis is.
61
00:03:17,039 --> 00:03:19,478
The only difference is
unicorns are white.
62
00:03:19,598 --> 00:03:20,998
Um...
63
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,517
Who in here has had an encounter
64
00:03:25,637 --> 00:03:28,357
with a mind-blowingly
huge penis?
65
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,476
Oh, my God, wait.
66
00:03:29,556 --> 00:03:31,556
You should see how sad
all the guys look right now.
67
00:03:31,636 --> 00:03:36,155
Just a sea of sad faces.
68
00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:37,476
Like you, you're like,
69
00:03:37,555 --> 00:03:40,514
"Meredith, I believe she asked
a question. Um..."
70
00:03:41,914 --> 00:03:44,234
Making her clap.
71
00:03:46,354 --> 00:03:48,553
She's like, "I heard her."
72
00:03:52,793 --> 00:03:55,472
Yeah, I think big penises,
they're just, like, superfluous.
73
00:03:55,592 --> 00:03:56,632
It's like a Hummer limo.
74
00:03:56,752 --> 00:03:58,032
You know, they look cool,
75
00:03:58,152 --> 00:04:02,071
but if you can't park it
anywhere, what's the point?
76
00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:17,268
I'm sorry, Amy.
You're allergic to alcohol.
77
00:04:17,349 --> 00:04:21,667
You can never have another drink
for the rest of your life.
78
00:04:21,748 --> 00:04:23,627
Second opinion!
79
00:04:23,707 --> 00:04:25,187
Second opinion!
80
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:26,707
You can never have
another drink.
81
00:04:26,787 --> 00:04:27,843
You're allergic to alcohol.
82
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,403
Blah, blah, blah, if Peyton
stays healthy, blah, blah, blah.
83
00:04:29,427 --> 00:04:30,523
He's the star, blah, blah, blah.
84
00:04:30,547 --> 00:04:33,025
But Eli, blah, blah, blah.
Backbone, blah, blah, blah.
85
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,026
Blah, blah, blah, Rodgers and
Brady won the blah, blah, blah.
86
00:04:36,105 --> 00:04:38,504
Zone one "D," bro.
Blah, blah, blah.
87
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:40,241
- Blah, blah, sport, sport.
- Sport, sport.
88
00:04:40,265 --> 00:04:43,464
Sport! Sport!
Sport! Sport! Sport!
89
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:46,024
Amy! Amy!
90
00:04:46,144 --> 00:04:47,863
You're allergic to alcohol.
91
00:04:47,944 --> 00:04:50,183
You can never have
another drink.
92
00:04:50,302 --> 00:04:52,023
Yiling went back to China.
93
00:04:52,143 --> 00:04:54,662
I do your bikini area today.
94
00:04:56,382 --> 00:04:59,022
Oh. Oh.
95
00:04:59,141 --> 00:05:01,741
It looks like
inside of barbershop vacuum!
96
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,460
I hate you.
97
00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:09,180
Everyone hates you!
98
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,939
Sport! Sport! Sport!
99
00:05:11,059 --> 00:05:12,539
You can never have
another drink.
100
00:05:12,659 --> 00:05:13,539
Give me more wax!
101
00:05:13,659 --> 00:05:15,779
Blah, blah, blah.
Madison for a girl.
102
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,299
Hunter for a boy.
Blah, blah, blah.
103
00:05:17,419 --> 00:05:19,578
Blah, blah, blah.
Push present, blah, blah, blah?
104
00:05:19,698 --> 00:05:22,618
Oh, blah, blah,
Ann Taylor Loft, blah, blah.
105
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:26,656
Blah, blah, blah, natural birth,
blah, blah, blah.
106
00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:11,450
Zero fat?
Zero calories?
107
00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:15,409
And who do we have here?
108
00:06:20,808 --> 00:06:22,168
Excuse me, shoppers.
109
00:06:22,288 --> 00:06:24,207
We will now play
the entire soundtrack
110
00:06:24,287 --> 00:06:26,087
to "Rent" and "Newsies."
111
00:06:26,207 --> 00:06:28,526
Also, Amy is
the prettiest customer
112
00:06:28,646 --> 00:06:30,046
we've ever had in here,
113
00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:33,445
and Hilary Duff is someone
we've had in here.
114
00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:50,003
Amy! It's me, Ron,
your handsome ex-boyfriend.
115
00:06:50,123 --> 00:06:53,283
This is my fiancée, Karen.
We're getting married.
116
00:06:59,761 --> 00:07:02,321
♪ And you will see ♪
117
00:07:02,441 --> 00:07:06,240
♪ That newsboys
sell the paper ♪
118
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,320
♪ Newsboys! ♪
119
00:07:07,439 --> 00:07:09,880
- ♪ Best of all... ♪
- Yes.
120
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:12,999
One puppy for every newsie.
121
00:07:23,077 --> 00:07:24,797
I went home with
this guy and, um...
122
00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:26,837
and he went down on me
right away
123
00:07:26,916 --> 00:07:29,077
'cause he was raised well.
124
00:07:29,196 --> 00:07:31,436
Uh...
125
00:07:31,516 --> 00:07:33,756
I'm thinking, like,
"Get his mom's e-mail.
126
00:07:33,876 --> 00:07:36,395
She needs a shout-out."
127
00:07:36,515 --> 00:07:39,154
So he's doing that, and then
he kind of gave up eventually
128
00:07:39,274 --> 00:07:42,034
'cause he could see
I was texting.
129
00:07:43,154 --> 00:07:46,593
I'm like, "It's about you."
So...
130
00:07:46,713 --> 00:07:49,113
He kind of presents his penis.
131
00:07:49,193 --> 00:07:51,033
Like, he's like, here it is.
132
00:07:51,153 --> 00:07:54,672
And I think he thought because
I'm like a substantial gal
133
00:07:54,792 --> 00:07:56,152
that I'd be like,
"That old thing?"
134
00:07:56,192 --> 00:07:59,031
But I was like, "Mom!"
135
00:07:59,151 --> 00:08:01,191
It didn't even register
as a cock.
136
00:08:01,311 --> 00:08:04,830
Like, it just looked like
an animal had latched on,
137
00:08:04,950 --> 00:08:06,110
like, wouldn't let go.
138
00:08:06,230 --> 00:08:09,749
I was like,
"We should call someone!"
139
00:08:09,869 --> 00:08:11,349
Where does that sleep at night?
140
00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:14,629
Is there a stable?
Like, does that sleep in hay?
141
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,068
So...
142
00:08:16,148 --> 00:08:19,268
I was not excited.
It was all fear.
143
00:08:19,348 --> 00:08:22,107
I was just like, "What?!
No!"
144
00:08:22,187 --> 00:08:23,483
And I know
I should've been excited.
145
00:08:23,507 --> 00:08:25,347
I should've been taking
Instagram pics with it.
146
00:08:25,387 --> 00:08:28,226
Like, "Huh?!"
147
00:08:28,347 --> 00:08:29,347
"Unh-unh!"
148
00:08:29,386 --> 00:08:34,385
Like fun, possible
holiday photos, right?
149
00:08:34,506 --> 00:08:36,825
I was, like,
getting myself psyched.
150
00:08:36,905 --> 00:08:37,824
I'm like, "Come on, bitch.
151
00:08:37,905 --> 00:08:39,784
You played volleyball
in high school.
152
00:08:39,865 --> 00:08:42,264
You did that 5K run/walk once.
153
00:08:42,344 --> 00:08:43,504
You...
154
00:08:44,543 --> 00:08:45,663
can do this."
155
00:08:45,744 --> 00:08:47,103
And he was getting weirded out
156
00:08:47,223 --> 00:08:49,303
'cause I was saying
all this out loud.
157
00:08:53,422 --> 00:08:54,742
So, I was like,
"Who am I kidding?
158
00:08:54,822 --> 00:08:55,998
I'm gonna sleep with this guy.
159
00:08:56,022 --> 00:08:58,502
What am I, a war hero?"
So...
160
00:08:59,381 --> 00:09:01,781
So I was like,
"Do you have a condom?"
161
00:09:01,901 --> 00:09:04,141
And he was like, "No."
162
00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:05,980
And I was like,
163
00:09:06,061 --> 00:09:09,860
"Way to call me on my bluff.
You know I don't care."
164
00:09:11,779 --> 00:09:13,779
It really takes the wind
out of your sails
165
00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:15,138
for a guy to be like, "Nope."
166
00:09:15,258 --> 00:09:17,338
And you're like,
"All right."
167
00:09:21,897 --> 00:09:23,897
This haircut is a disaster!
168
00:09:24,017 --> 00:09:25,937
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer, okay?
169
00:09:26,057 --> 00:09:28,257
I'm gonna shut
this entire operation down.
170
00:09:28,336 --> 00:09:29,896
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
171
00:09:30,016 --> 00:09:32,176
- I didn't see you.
- No, it's fine, I'm sorry.
172
00:09:32,295 --> 00:09:33,935
Let me help you.
173
00:09:42,054 --> 00:09:43,294
T-This is mine.
174
00:09:43,414 --> 00:09:45,414
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
175
00:09:45,534 --> 00:09:49,253
Uh, this is weird.
I never do this, but...
176
00:09:49,373 --> 00:09:51,492
I love your hair.
177
00:09:51,612 --> 00:09:53,452
Oh, really?
No.
178
00:09:53,532 --> 00:09:55,092
I think it's
the most amazing hairdo
179
00:09:55,212 --> 00:09:56,252
I've ever seen in my life.
180
00:09:56,332 --> 00:09:58,012
What would you even call
a shape like that?
181
00:09:58,051 --> 00:09:59,931
Oh, I... A circle?
182
00:10:00,051 --> 00:10:02,531
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I see that now.
183
00:10:02,651 --> 00:10:04,051
A hair circle.
184
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,170
Huh, well,
I guess I love hair circles.
185
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:09,289
Who knew?
186
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:11,929
Life is so full of lessons
and surprises.
187
00:10:12,049 --> 00:10:15,488
Um, do you want to grab coffee
or something?
188
00:10:15,608 --> 00:10:17,888
Uh, yes.
Yes, I would.
189
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,968
- Okay.
- Great.
190
00:10:20,088 --> 00:10:23,047
- I'm... I'm Amy.
- Oh, it's nice to meet you.
191
00:10:23,167 --> 00:10:24,807
I can't believe
you like my perm.
192
00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,886
I was really mad about it.
193
00:10:37,964 --> 00:10:40,685
Oh, wow.
Cool dog.
194
00:10:40,764 --> 00:10:42,044
Is that a permanent dog?
195
00:10:42,164 --> 00:10:43,244
What?
196
00:10:43,364 --> 00:10:44,524
Come here.
197
00:10:47,963 --> 00:10:49,403
- I love you.
- I love you.
198
00:10:51,162 --> 00:10:54,882
Hi! You're the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen in my life.
199
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:57,362
Yes, you are.
I love your hair circle.
200
00:10:57,481 --> 00:10:59,441
Does he go to
a salon to get this done?
201
00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:01,521
Look at the golden light on you.
202
00:11:01,641 --> 00:11:03,080
Oh, my God.
203
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,040
Oh, I love you.
204
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,359
And he's, like,
really, really hot.
205
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:10,519
So, what's the catch?
206
00:11:10,639 --> 00:11:12,559
I think he may only
be interested in me
207
00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:14,279
because I have this perm.
208
00:11:14,359 --> 00:11:15,759
You're being crazy.
209
00:11:15,878 --> 00:11:18,118
I don't know.
210
00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:19,398
So then I said,
211
00:11:19,517 --> 00:11:21,877
"You, sir,
may sit on my face."
212
00:11:24,397 --> 00:11:27,236
And then what did
your perm say, Angie?
213
00:11:27,317 --> 00:11:28,756
What?
214
00:11:28,876 --> 00:11:31,676
I mean, what did
your dad say, perm-perm?
215
00:11:39,075 --> 00:11:40,674
Yeah, no...
216
00:11:40,794 --> 00:11:43,793
He's only interested in you
because of your perm.
217
00:11:43,913 --> 00:11:46,953
Also, I think he thinks
your name is Angie.
218
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,712
He definitely thinks
my name is Angie.
219
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,873
What should I do?
220
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:52,393
He's really hot.
221
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,152
I know!
222
00:12:01,231 --> 00:12:02,671
This is my favorite part
of the park.
223
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:04,350
So beautiful.
224
00:12:05,710 --> 00:12:07,229
Angie...
225
00:12:08,469 --> 00:12:11,949
My life has changed since
the day I ran into you
226
00:12:12,069 --> 00:12:13,909
and your perm.
227
00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:16,908
And I think it's time
that you and I became...
228
00:12:19,188 --> 00:12:20,267
permanent.
229
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,428
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
230
00:12:22,547 --> 00:12:24,227
Huh?
231
00:12:24,347 --> 00:12:25,427
Oh, baby.
232
00:12:25,547 --> 00:12:28,146
Oh, my God!
What the hell?!
233
00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:29,666
- What's wrong?
- What happened?!
234
00:12:29,786 --> 00:12:30,786
- What, my hair?
- Yes!
235
00:12:30,906 --> 00:12:32,386
It grows out.
What's wrong with you?
236
00:12:32,505 --> 00:12:34,545
- It's called a permanent.
- They just call it that.
237
00:12:34,585 --> 00:12:36,225
- It's so fucked up!
- Wait, what?!
238
00:12:36,345 --> 00:12:38,104
God, it's so fucking ugly!
239
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:39,464
- No!
- No!
240
00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:40,585
Aaah!
241
00:12:42,864 --> 00:12:44,143
What's wrong with you?
242
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,223
Aah! Oh, no!
243
00:12:47,903 --> 00:12:50,022
- My head!
- I'm so sorry. Come here.
244
00:12:50,143 --> 00:12:52,902
- No!
- Give me the fucking ring.
245
00:12:54,262 --> 00:12:56,941
No!
246
00:12:57,021 --> 00:13:00,261
Cliff, are you coming back?
247
00:13:00,381 --> 00:13:03,141
Pe-e-e-rm!
248
00:13:17,458 --> 00:13:20,298
We tried to have sex.
We tried.
249
00:13:20,377 --> 00:13:22,657
And it didn't work at all.
250
00:13:22,737 --> 00:13:24,657
It didn't fit.
It was like...
251
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,216
Did you see that Winnie the Pooh
where he eats too much honey
252
00:13:27,336 --> 00:13:29,296
and he gets stuck in his door?
253
00:13:30,615 --> 00:13:32,535
No?
You guys had joyless childhoods?
254
00:13:32,616 --> 00:13:34,576
Okay.
255
00:13:34,655 --> 00:13:38,135
It was like a truck getting
stuck in the Holland Tunnel.
256
00:13:38,255 --> 00:13:39,375
That's what it was like.
257
00:13:39,495 --> 00:13:40,495
And I see your faces.
258
00:13:40,615 --> 00:13:42,174
Like, I'm not trying
to make it sound
259
00:13:42,294 --> 00:13:45,414
like I have some
dainty, tea-drinking vagina,
260
00:13:45,493 --> 00:13:51,293
just like this just thimble of
a "Downton Abbey" -watching,
261
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,372
summering-in-the-Vineyard pussy.
262
00:13:53,492 --> 00:13:55,571
Like, no.
263
00:13:55,692 --> 00:13:58,491
In that example,
it was the Holland Tunnel.
264
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:06,050
It's accurate.
Costs about $12. Uh...
265
00:14:06,170 --> 00:14:09,489
Lot of guys from Jersey
have been in it. Um...
266
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:18,624
Babe, can we watch
something else?
267
00:14:18,648 --> 00:14:22,087
- I hate these movies.
- Why?
268
00:14:22,207 --> 00:14:25,807
'Cause I... I fart
when I get scared.
269
00:14:27,806 --> 00:14:29,086
See?
270
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:31,606
Oh, come on, it's cute.
271
00:14:31,726 --> 00:14:33,686
No. It's gross.
272
00:14:36,444 --> 00:14:38,005
Oh, my God,
this really annoys me.
273
00:14:38,124 --> 00:14:39,524
These dumb girls always bring
274
00:14:39,604 --> 00:14:41,044
their cellphones
with them to hide.
275
00:14:41,164 --> 00:14:43,044
The killer hears it.
That's how they get caught.
276
00:14:45,723 --> 00:14:47,363
God.
277
00:14:47,483 --> 00:14:49,563
I'm sorry.
278
00:14:49,683 --> 00:14:50,722
It's all right.
279
00:14:50,842 --> 00:14:53,642
- Do you want another beer?
- Yeah, I'll take one.
280
00:14:55,322 --> 00:14:57,962
- You want me to pause it?
- No.
281
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,840
Oh, my God, baby, you scared me.
282
00:15:13,358 --> 00:15:15,239
Jake! Jake!
283
00:15:15,359 --> 00:15:17,518
No, no, no!
284
00:15:43,953 --> 00:15:45,673
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
285
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,672
Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
286
00:16:35,025 --> 00:16:36,945
911 emergency.
This is Karen.
287
00:16:43,264 --> 00:16:45,023
You see these damn kids?
288
00:16:45,103 --> 00:16:47,263
Tell you, I'm sick of
these prank calls.
289
00:17:30,456 --> 00:17:33,095
But, no, it didn't fit.
It didn't work.
290
00:17:33,176 --> 00:17:35,735
I was like packing up my wares,
you know...
291
00:17:35,814 --> 00:17:37,094
"Good luck
in all your endeavors.
292
00:17:37,175 --> 00:17:39,934
Follow me on Twitter"...
leaving.
293
00:17:40,014 --> 00:17:41,494
He couldn't believe
I was leaving.
294
00:17:41,614 --> 00:17:44,414
He's like, "Don't you
want to keep trying?"
295
00:17:44,493 --> 00:17:46,013
I was like, "No."
296
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,093
I was like, "Why,
so I can walk around New York
297
00:17:48,213 --> 00:17:50,893
with my new gaping vagina,
just?"
298
00:17:51,013 --> 00:17:53,332
"Hey!
299
00:17:53,452 --> 00:17:55,291
What?
No, I just had a good weekend.
300
00:17:55,372 --> 00:17:56,691
Hey!"
301
00:17:56,772 --> 00:17:59,931
Picking up my NuvaRing
off the subway platform.
302
00:18:00,051 --> 00:18:01,691
Like, "Uh..."
303
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:10,569
"Did anyone see where it rolled?
Uh..."
304
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:12,969
A rat's wearing it like a crown.
305
00:18:13,049 --> 00:18:16,248
I'm like, "Wait!
306
00:18:16,368 --> 00:18:19,648
Wait."
307
00:18:20,648 --> 00:18:24,007
The saddest version
of "The Nutcracker."
308
00:18:30,565 --> 00:18:34,045
So, Karim,
you have a huge penis.
309
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:35,285
Yes.
310
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:38,124
Um, at what age did you realize
311
00:18:38,244 --> 00:18:40,564
that your penis was bigger
than other people's?
312
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,724
I was watching
a television show, um,
313
00:18:42,804 --> 00:18:45,563
a.k.a. A triple-X movie.
314
00:18:45,643 --> 00:18:48,003
A television show!
You're watching porn. Okay.
315
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,602
And I noticed that mine
316
00:18:49,723 --> 00:18:52,562
was the same size
as a grown man.
317
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:53,802
And how old were you?
318
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:56,801
I was in my teens.
I was probably like 14.
319
00:18:56,881 --> 00:18:57,801
What word do you say?
320
00:18:57,881 --> 00:18:59,041
I say, like, penis,
321
00:18:59,161 --> 00:19:01,081
or cock if I'm
feeling comfortable.
322
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,080
I have the name
Mr. Manhattan, so...
323
00:19:03,161 --> 00:19:04,720
Do you call your penis
Mr. Manhattan?
324
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,120
Mr. Manhattan.
It's a star.
325
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,399
It sounds like a star.
326
00:19:08,519 --> 00:19:12,238
Have you ever been nervous
for a girl to see,
327
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,639
or are you always
pretty excited?
328
00:19:13,758 --> 00:19:15,158
I've heard, "Wow!"
329
00:19:15,278 --> 00:19:16,318
You know what I mean?
330
00:19:16,438 --> 00:19:18,677
- You know? Yeah, yeah.
- "Hey!" That kind of a?
331
00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,254
Yeah, you could hit a high...
♪ Hoooooo ♪
332
00:19:20,278 --> 00:19:22,597
Oh, wow. So people find the Lord
in your underwear.
333
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:25,197
Doves will release... Pigeons
will release into the air.
334
00:19:25,276 --> 00:19:27,516
You changed it from doves
to pigeons? You downsized it?
335
00:19:29,596 --> 00:19:31,755
Have you ever
showed it to a girl
336
00:19:31,875 --> 00:19:33,155
and she just started crying?
337
00:19:33,275 --> 00:19:34,675
No.
338
00:19:34,795 --> 00:19:36,331
Do you want to see
if that happens right now?
339
00:19:36,355 --> 00:19:37,275
No, just kidding.
340
00:19:37,354 --> 00:19:41,474
Does it take you longer
to jerk off than other guys?
341
00:19:41,554 --> 00:19:44,593
Jerk-off chronicles, um,
ended in my earlier stages.
342
00:19:44,714 --> 00:19:46,313
You never jerk off?
343
00:19:46,433 --> 00:19:47,433
No, not now, no.
344
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:48,793
Why? Is it too hard?
345
00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:50,873
You need like a team of experts
to come in?
346
00:19:50,992 --> 00:19:52,992
- Well...
- They're like, "Heave-ho!"
347
00:19:54,592 --> 00:19:55,847
What's going on with your balls?
348
00:19:55,871 --> 00:19:57,192
Are they...
Are they bigger?
349
00:19:57,271 --> 00:19:59,270
Um, it's perfect, actually.
You know what I mean?
350
00:19:59,391 --> 00:20:00,950
It's like, um,
351
00:20:01,031 --> 00:20:02,927
a hot dog with two meatballs,
you know what I mean?
352
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,430
That doesn't sound perfect.
353
00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:06,510
They're fantastic.
My balls are fantastic.
354
00:20:06,630 --> 00:20:07,789
I do not doubt that.
355
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:11,109
What are their names?
Hoboken and Secaucus?
356
00:20:13,388 --> 00:20:15,068
Do you get excited
when you find out
357
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,468
a girl has a big pussy?
358
00:20:16,547 --> 00:20:18,028
No.
359
00:20:18,148 --> 00:20:19,948
- No?
- Yeah, that doesn't excite me.
360
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:22,827
You're not like, "Oh, you're
finally gonna go home"?
361
00:20:22,947 --> 00:20:23,826
You know?
362
00:20:23,946 --> 00:20:27,306
You don't say like, "Oh, we
found a place for you, boy"?
363
00:20:27,386 --> 00:20:30,506
Um, have you ever tried anal?
364
00:20:30,626 --> 00:20:31,985
And where is she buried?
365
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,185
That's hilarious.
366
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:40,864
Pe-e-e-rm!
367
00:20:53,021 --> 00:20:54,102
What's in this?
368
00:20:54,182 --> 00:20:56,901
Fresh fruit.
369
00:21:13,179 --> 00:21:16,018
He's looking right in
the lens, into Furmanski's soul.
370
00:21:18,658 --> 00:21:20,018
Oh!
26023
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