Original subtitles

(film clacking)

(typewriter clacking) (ominous music)

(typewriter clacking) (tense Oriental music)

(Mama Notzilla roaring)

- Ah, what's that?

- Huh, it's nothing.

Come on, Mioko.

(Mama Notzilla roaring)

(gasps)

Kaiju.

- Giant monster.

(dramatic music)

(both screaming)

Groovy!

(tense music)

(typewriter clacking)

- Thank you, Professor.

The information you give us will help us kill the monster.

Prepare the boys!

- No, General, please.

(typewriter clacking) (tense music)

You must not kill Mama Notzilla.

She's only trying to protect her eggs!

You asked for my help and--

- And you gave it.

She is too big.

We must kill her, proctologist.

- Paleontologist.

Proctologist is a doctor who looks at...

But that doesn't matter.

She's only big because she ate fermented berries

on Mount Sakitumi.

Let me find a way to make her her true size again!

- Out of the way, girly man!

(jet whirring) - Yes, General.

(bomb exploding)

(dramatic music) (guns firing)

(Mama Notzilla screaming) - No!

(Hiro gasps)

Mama Notzilla!

(Mama Notzilla groaning)

It is my fault, my fault.

(Hiro crying)

(gentle tinkling music)

(Mama Notzilla roaring)

(guns firing)

I will save your baby.

(dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking)

(upbeat music)

Aha!

Is a sign.

Ohio means hello.

I would not let you out of sight,

little Kaiju

Is pinkie promise.

(jet whirring)

Oh, I think I make big mistake.

Papa-san would say I'm a fool.

(tense music)

- Ichihiro Honda.

- Papa-san?

- You are (speaking in foreign language).

(speaking in foreign language) Fool.

- Yes, Papa-san, it's true.

But I promised Mama monster that--

- You cannot bring that egg to America.

They still haven't forgiven us for Kudzu.

- I am sorry, Papa-san.

I know I was big (speaking in foreign language),

disappointment to you, but--

(magazine thuds)

(tense music) Oh!

Foreign article!

(toilet whooshing)

Sorry, tiny soap.

Oh!

(gasping)

Sorry, tiny Kaiju.

(dramatic music)

(bag pops)

No!

(tense music)

(typewriter clacking)

- Third time today and it's only 9:15.

Blasted manly beard. (typewriter clacking)

- So following today's test

(typewriter clacking) of reactor core number 66,

as long as it doesn't melt down we'll...

(sultry music)

Just look at you.

Every man admires you and every woman desires you.

How can anybody do science when you look like that?

- Please, Shirley girly.

I understand why you feel this way

but no more of this inappropriate behavior.

- I'm sorry, what, Dr. Blowheart?

- Just don't let it happen again.

- What?

- And say, lose the Coke bottles.

None of the boom boys--

- Physicists.

- Like the way they look.

- Well, I need them to read the charts.

- Well, okay.

But do the lip quiver.

Ha!

I love it when you do that.

It's so you.

All right, you can keep the glasses

but only when you're dressed as a physicist.

- I am a physicist.

- Listen, I said I'd make you a boom boy

and I will.

Just let nurture take its course.

- Nature (chuckles).

(suspenseful music)

(bell dings)

- Say, under an hour.

We're cooking with...

Now, what's it called again?

- Plutonium 239.

- Right, hard to remember.

They should call it something like wow powder.

(suspenseful music) (panel beeping)

(typewriter clacking)

I brought you something.

Me!

(Richard laughing)

Oh I'm just funnin'.

But really.

(sultry music) - The mensch of mensches.

- Skol! Our lives have meaning again.

- Please, please, gentlemen.

I understand your odor.

- Ardor.

- But we have science to do.

How is my favorite Swedish physicist?

- Actually, I'm from Mankato,

don't you know. (typewriter clacking)

It's in Minnesota. (speaking in foreign language)

That's German.

- Oh, I can feel it.

Today is the day.

First there was the A bomb.

Then Truman personally asked me to oversee

the B, C, D, and E bombs.

He let off a lot of F bombs.

- Hah-hah! hilarious.

(typewriter clacking) First Jerry Lewis, now you.

Tres brilliant!

- He's French. (typewriter clacking)

- Yeah.

- Then there was the H bomb.

It was followed by the K,

J, I, L--

- Dr. Shortman, have you calibrated your plutonium rods?

- That's a rather personal question.

- (chuckles) Does that even mean anything?

- No!

- Oh!

- Wait, is that estrogen I smell?

Why, it could cause a hormonal explosion, men.

(both laughing)

(Richard grunts)

- Think about it, men.

Assuming reactor number 66 doesn't explode--

- Like reactors one through 65.

- This is what men and a few unattractive women

in pantsuits have dreamed of since the Garden of Eden.

Unlimited power!

- I think what Dr. Blowheart's--

- Let's do science, people!

Everyone, attach anti-radiation devices.

(dramatic music)

Now, engaging

in quasi-scientific jargon (typewriter clacking)

Dr. Mungish, eyeball

circumnavigational hydro-peppy killo-wowsers.

- Inspect the structural integrity

of the hydro-electric units.

- Might to do that.

- Dr. Shortman, check Foghorn Leghorn deportment

in Chuck Jones mode, adjusting for rude condescension.

- Confirm the radiation levels

in the containment sleeves.

- Yup.

- Dr. Bloch, rotate radial tires

with counterrevolutionary turbine porridge ratio.

- I'm sorry, I don't even know what that one is.

(Richard chuckling)

- I'll just flip through these toggle switches.

- Dr. Butay, check my demeanor

with torrid tomes of taunting technology.

- Oui, I will check you very good, Dr. Blowheart.

- Why do I find it so attractive

when he does that?

- Commencing countdown in 10, (tense music)

nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four--

- Ah, close enough!

Commence self-throwing. (reactor rumbling)

(dramatic music)

- Another meltdown.

- Oof, da.

- Plotz. (machines beeping)

- That dog'll never hunt.

- Ha!

Biggest one yet.

Time to beat feet, toots.

(dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking) (suspenseful music)

(elevator whirring)

- I'm afraid if we keep increasing plutonium levels, we'll--

- Did you know plutonium's symbol is Pu?

(laughing) I love that.

- Yes, I did. (Richard sighing)

(tense music)

Wait, what's that?

(gentle music)

Is it reptilian?

- Could be Democrat.

- Well, it must've been shaken loose

from the subterranean shelf.

- It's not even Easter yet.

- But what period?

- Probably 1920s.

They were big on red.

- Jurassic?

- Park.

- I'll X-ray it.

- Well, we can talk about this at dinner

along with my plans for atomic testes.

- Testing.

- Yes, and that's how you're behaving right now.

- Testy?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I just need a life of my own, Doctor, I mean, mister.

- Come on, Shirley girly.

Where's that little giggle I love?

(Shirley giggles) - (laughs) That is so you.

(lively music)

(typewriter clacking) (dramatic music)

- Okay, Mack. (typewriter clacking)

Four-way chili with beans and no silverware

'cause you got--

- Chopstick. Hai.

- Hi.

- No, sorry "Hai" means--

- Yeah, I know. (people chattering)

Just teasin'.

You've been in here every day for a week.

Ever eat at another restaurant?

- There is other restaurant?

- (chuckles) Well, tanoshi (enjoy).

- Madam, wait.

You know Japanese?

- Looked it up, Professor.

- You know I am professor?

- It's alive. (suspenseful music)

- What is?

I'll be sure not to order it.

- The egg.

The X-ray showed movement.

I can't tell what species it is

but it's definitely a living dinosaur.

- Wow, probably not a lot of those.

- None.

- Nuns?

No, Cincinnati's got lots of those.

It's very Catholic.

- Dinosaurs.

There are definitely no living dinosaurs in Ohio.

- Make that America, Doc.

- Whoa, it's over there, fella.

Tell Tojo we won.

- You beakers need to meet this guy.

- Hai.

Hi. (bell dinging)

- Well, at least he speaks English.

- He's a paleontologist.

- How you know this?

- This waitress thing is just temp, Professor.

I'm an investigative reporter

and I don't do fluff neither.

I know a scoop when I see it.

- So how come sometimes I'm stopped up for days

and other times I erupt like Mount Rushmore?

- No, but that's a proctologist.

- This is Dr. Richard Blowheart,

renowned nuclear physicist.

And I'm--

- Shirley Yujest.

- Yujest, Dr. Shirley Yujest,

Dr. Blowheart's assistant.

- I am Professor Ichihiro Honda.

- Honda?

Like the tiny motorcycles?

- Yes, sir.

But soon they make automobile.

- (laughs) Like those will ever replace Studebaker.

(dramatic music)

- (gasps) Yes, it is my Notzilla.

(suspenseful music)

(clears throat) I mean it is a Notzilla.

- So it's some kinda hemorrhoid.

- Do you know what species it is, Professor Honda?

- Yes.

It's Notzillasaurus (typewriter clacking)

Partiontilldon, normally small,

about size of, say, a man in a rubber suit.

It is not (roars).

But...

- A Nancy boy?

- Harmless.

But if exposed to alcohol, it suddenly grow very big.

- Funny, the opposite happens to me.

- So how often do you get

these giant monsters in Japan, Professor?

- About every two weeks.

- Well, listen, Itchy, that's swell

but this is the USA.

Ego, we don't have a problem with giant monsters.

- Kaiju.

- Gesundheit.

- Arigatou.

We do important stuff here like blow things up.

- Well, it would be good to know more.

(upbeat music)

- Can you show me where you find egg?

- If you want.

- Yes, I very want. (Shirley giggles)

He's your boyfriend, Dr. Blowheart?

(gentle music) - No, no.

I mean I have a great respect for him.

He's my boss and a war hero.

When the Germans blew up our lab in Europe,

he was the only one to make it out alive.

He saved thousands of government documents

that became the basis for what we do at SNUGI.

Would you like to see SNUGI? (lighthearted music)

- SNUGI's big pillow?

(Shirley giggling and snorting)

- Um, no.

Secret Nuclear Underground Government Installation.

There's a science briefing tomorrow at 8 a.m.

I can put your name on the list.

Here.

I'll write my home address on here,

you know, in case we need to--

- Connect?

(flowers rustling)

- Oh, and that's where we found the egg.

You said it was a Notzillasaurus?

- Partiontilldon. (typewriter clacking)

A species of Flatulizard from Late Bodacious Period.

I show you.

(tense music)

You see.

They are yasashii...

Gentle and in control

as long as they do not eat fermented berries.

- Aren't we all?

(Hiro giggling) (Shirley snorting)

(upbeat music) (Both Giggle.)

(suspenseful music)

(lighthearted music)

(suspenseful music)

- Attention, SNUGI employees.

Please remove all radioactive materials

from pockets and underwear (egg thudding)

before leaving.

Good night.

(Richard belching)

- Oh, you're gonna need a bigger lampshade.

(suspenseful music)

Huh!

(phone clacking)

(phone ringing)

- This is Dr. Shirley Yujest,

actual, legitimate nuclear physicist.

Please leave a message.

(voicemail beeps)

- It's Blowheart.

Where are you?

This is the third time I've called.

I haven't eaten yet.

We need to do research

and bring food.

That's an ordeal.

Odor.

Order.

Look, you wanna be a scientist or not?

(receiver thuds) (cymbals crashing)

(suspenseful music)

(egg thudding)

You little lush-a-saurus you.

(tense music)

(Richard laughing)

(egg crackling)

(Notzilla squeaking)

(dramatic music)

Oh (laughing) you want some of this?

(Notzilla screeching)

Huh, you want some of this, huh?

(Richard laughing)

(Notzilla squeaking and chirping)

Oh yah, yeah, you want some more?

Uh huh?

You go, huh.

(Richard laughing) (Notzilla chirping)

(Notzilla coughing)

(Notzilla chirping)

(Richard belching)

(Notzilla roaring) (dramatic music)

This is why I never share. (Notzilla chirping)

(suspenseful music)

(elevator bell dinging) (shaver buzzing)

(typewriter clacking)

(scientists chattering)

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns

"in all the world."

"The jig is up, Professor Depravo.

"I'm Dougie Dougwood, boy genius."

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."

"Rosebud."

(can clattering)

(loud knocking) (tense music)

(cans clattering) Oh!

(Notzilla squeaking)

What, oh!

- Dr. Blowheart, are you there?

- I'm here, Shirley girly.

- (sighs) Is that a dinosaur in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

(cans clattering) (tense music)

(Notzilla chirping)

(Shirley screaming) (upbeat music)

(Notzilla screaming)

It's alive.

It hatched.

Hiro will be so, I mean, Professor Honda,

will be so excited.

And he's kinda cute.

(Notzilla chirping)

I mean the creature of course.

But how did he get so big?

You didn't give him beer, did you?

- Well, it's about time you got here.

Help me get ready for the briefing.

I need a shaver.

Heck, I need a machete.

(lighthearted music)

(shaver buzzing)

Stay.

(suspenseful music) (Notzilla chirping)

- What if he escapes from your office?

- If he does, he's so grounded.

- Attention.

Drs. Mothra and Rodan.

Please meet Dr. Gorgo from Britain in the lobby.

(box rustling) (tense music)

(Notzilla chirping)

- For sure.

- Oh, there he is.

(scientists applauding)

(Richard sighs)

(sultry music) - Genius, genius,

genius, genius--

- Please. - Genius.

- Please.

Today you will see our insanely impressive nuclear facility,

built with obscene amounts of government funding.

Everything here at SNUGI has been built

to flawless standards.

- Oh!

- Wow. - Look at that.

- Each of our Uber-Fission reactors

emits a thousand times more radiation

than the state-of-the-art facility planned

for Three Mile Island.

(metal clattering) (Notzilla roaring)

- Oh!

- Please be calm.

Had that been serious, the actual room would be shaking.

For your protection, Dr. Mungish will now give you

something to make you look cooler than you actually are.

- Eh, bon jour,

- I am Dr. Jacques Butay.

Please follow my manly gait to the SNUGI cafeteria

where we have a great barbecue planned for you

courtesy of reactor core number 66.

(suspenseful music)

- Oye.

- I know, right?

(dramatic music)

(Shirley gasps)

(suspenseful music)

- What happened?

(dramatic music)

(all gasp)

- All I said was

gee, someone oughta go out for more beer.

- You do not give beer to baby

especially baby Notzilla.

- Notzilla?

I was gonna call him Barney.

- There's two things I wanna know.

What creature made that?

(Shirley and Hiro gasping)

- This is only the beginning. (birds chirping)

I love that line.

- We must meet at restaurant (suspenseful music)

to form keikaku,

A plan, to save Notzilla.

- Or kill him.

- No! (dramatic music)

- What was the other thing?

- Aren't we supposed to be like 500 stories

under the ground?

(dramatic music)

- I mean, massive quantities of radiation

I can live with (people chattering)

but a dino who bogarts the brew, never.

What is it about these things?

- I mean no

bujoku, Dr. Blowheart-san.

- No bujoku tooken.

- Taken.

- But if you have not given beer to Notzilla--

- Barney.

- Notzilla.

This genus of dinosaur has slow metabolism

until it consume alcohol.

Then its pituitary gland become bulbous.

- So basically my whole teens.

- And it grow ohhhki...

Gigantical.

- Like "The Amazing 60-foot Woman

"with the College Degree" only less scary.

- No, bigger.

Big like skies--

- Skye terrier.

- Skyscraper.

- My Aunt Myrtle had one of those.

Not that big though.

- Is the effect reversible, Dr. Honda?

- Yes.

But in Japan, army always kill monster

before I can do urinalysis.

- This is no time to talk about my feelings.

We gotta find this thing.

- But where do we find it?

- I couldn't help but overhear about the monster.

This is our busboy,

Bobby Bleech from Kentucky. (typewriter clacking)

He overheard you, too, and--

- Wait, you both overheard us?

This is top secret stuff.

I mean, we work in a 500-story subterrarium.

- Subterranean complex.

- Full of nuclear reactors,

each powerful enough to destroy the Earth 10 times over

and absolutely no one must know about it.

Who else overheard?

(horn honking)

- Tell him what you heard, Bobby.

- Hi y'all.

Ooh wee (chuckles).

A foreign feller?

- Spit it out, kid.

- Well, I overheard y'all talking about a big old lizard

that sucked up a heap of suds.

- Sucked up a heap of my suds.

- And then he broke out of y'all's office

and went looking for more?

- Yes.

- Dang, ain't those just the best?

- I know, right?

- Tell 'em about the phone call, Bobby.

- Oh right.

Well, 'bout an hour ago, my grandpa,

I live with my grandpa down near Kowabunga Bay,

he calls and says some big old critter

just like the one y'all's talking about,

it took all our beer!

- Taken.

- We must go there at once.

- I'll call a cab.

(gentle tinkling music)

(suspenseful music)

(somber music)

- Well, butter my button, call me a biscuit.

Look at what he done done to our garage.

- Only a monster could do this.

- It's not so bad.

- Are you blind?

Open your eyes.

- If he was blind, how would that help?

- Was he raised in a barn?

- In egg actually.

- Look.

(tense music)

He left the front door open.

- I do not think Notzilla did that.

- Check inside.

I bet he left the toilet seat up

and the lights on.

- Why would he do this to our garage?

- Did he take anything, Bobby?

(clears throat)

I'll just go check on the fan belt.

- What did he take?

- I don't reckon he actually...

Wait?

(dramatic music) Yeah, he did.

Grandpa's beer.

He taked it all.

- Took, go on.

- Grandpa, he likes having a little beer around

on them cold Kowabunga nights.

- How much?

- 'Bout 80 or 90 cases.

He has a lot of girls around.

Wait, where is he? (suspenseful music)

Grandpa.

Grandpa.

- (clears throat) What's this?

- Where?

- Over here.

- Ah ha.

It's just as I suspected.

The monster has grown...

Lots bigger.

- (gasps) Yes.

This is actually what I want.

- What is it, Itchy?

Mmm, tastes like beer only salty and warm.

(Shirley snorting)

(tense music)

- He has gone to river.

(tense music)

- What, did he leave a note?

- No.

His species is born in water.

River will remind him of his mother.

- Aww.

- Also, as you say, Blowheart-san,

it's lot bigger.

Do you have boat?

- Yes, we have boat.

I mean, yes, SNUGI has a research ship.

- He must be stopped.

(dramatic music)

This is only the beginning.

- How often does he say that?

(gong clanging) (tense music)

(typewriter clacking)

- Dr. Bloch, did you bring the prestidigious shooty device?

- Animal tranquilizer gun.

- Oh, for sure.

- What?

- Yah, you betcha.

- Great.

- Actually, I do not think Dr. Bloch

is Swedish, Blowheart-san.

I think he's black American person.

- What?

Nonsense.

Scientists are white and male.

Dr. Bloch is a first class scientist,

ego, he's white.

Next you're gonna try to tell me

that someone on my team is a female!

Dr. Butay, did you load the extraterrestrial webby-grabber?

- Animal capture net.

- I do not need a translation,

female assistant person.

I speak Manly Nuclear Physicist fluently!

Check, Dr. Blowheart!

(Richard clears throat)

- Are we ready, Skipper?

Where's our normal captain?

- He's out sick.

This is Captain Bleech.

(suspenseful music) - (chuckles) Bleech, huh?

(tin plate clattering)

(Shirley and Hiro grunting)

- Ooh, it feels about 150 pounds heavier

than it did in the lab.

- 117.

- What is it?

- A radar. (typewriter clacking)

- Correction.

It is a super-secret atomic radar percolator.

- Device.

No, just device.

(typewriter clacking)

It's okay.

- Most impressive.

What does it do?

- The same thing as a normal radar

except it's atomic.

- Ego, it's better.

(inhales deeply) Ah, there's nothing more bracing

than the smell of salt water.

- He knows this is river, yes?

- Time to do science, people.

Dr. Butay, man the webby wobbler.

- Oui, Dr. Blowheart.

I will man the capture nets

in the most masculine of manly ways.

- Oy.

- Oh ho ho.

- Blowheart-san, I fear net is too small.

I have calculated Notzilla consumed 28,000 liters

of fermented yeast molecule.

- Plus all that beer.

- From his urinalysis, I conclude that alcohol

work like fission.

It causes his cells to...

- Swell? - Yes.

- No, nothing's swell about it, Shirley girly.

Anything on the super-secret--

- Radar?

(radar beeps)

No, nothing yet, Doctor.

- Maybe it's the antenna. (tense music)

Had that trouble with my TV.

Or it could be (radar beeps)

the urinary decatheter.

- Wait, wait, there are two objects very near.

Actually they're here.

(bell dings) (loud knocking)

(suspenseful music)

- How many Thin Mints?

(suspenseful music)

(boat bell rings)

- Well, Itchy, it looks (radar beeping)

like your little iguana

wasn't so swell after all.

Time to call it a night.

(radar whirring)

- I'm picking something up.

- Big deal, so am I.

- Yes, I see him!

- How close?

- Really close.

(radar whirring) - Ow.

- Look, it is Notzilla. (dramatic music)

And busboy.

- Oh. (tense music)

(Bobby panting)

- Oh, Bobby hid in that barrel.

Wait, why is there a barrel of nuclear waste?

- We missed Thursday's trash pick up.

(dramatic music) (water splashing)

(Notzilla grumbling)

(suspenseful music)

- Blowheart-san, Notzilla swell very good.

Look.

(tense music)

- Pikachu!

Mmm, no, no, no, no, no.

(Notzilla grunts)

(clears throat)

(Notzilla roars)

(Notzilla belches)

(tense music)

- Notzilla, you killed my grandpa

and now you're gonna pay.

(dramatic music)

(water splashing)

- Bobby.

- Grandpa?

- Come on, paly, lose the heat and be cool.

(tense music)

(gun whistling)

(gun firing)

(Notzilla growling) (Bobby shouting)

- Whoa.

Oh ho ho.

Whoa.

Gnarly.

- He's too big for river.

He's going to shore now.

- I just picked him up on the radar.

- You mean the super-secret--

- Yeah, yeah.

And it looks--

- Yes?

- It looks like--

- Yes?

- I looks like he's headed for--

- Yes?

- Cincinnati!

(dramatic music)

- I knew it.

That always happens.

- The music or the bit about the monster

heading for the city?

- Both.

And I'm the one to stop him.

(dramatic music)

This is only the beginning.

- That's like the 10th time he's said that.

(boat horn blaring) (suspenseful music)

(loud knocking)

- I told you, I don't wanna play strip Scrabble, Larry.

Oh.

- I bring strange red egg from Japan

then I accidentally flush it down airplane toilet.

- I sorta guessed.

Would you like to--

(Hiro panting)

- Sorry, nervous make me thirsty.

Ew.

This is terrible.

- Yeah, it's new.

They call it diet soda (scoffs).

- It tastes like--

- Dinosaur pee.

- Kinda like beer only salty.

- And warm.

(both snorting)

Hiro, why would you come

all the way to America just to--

- Save egg?

My father was soldier who kill many men.

He always say, (tense music)

"Itchy."

I hate he call me this.

"Real man kill." (gentle music)

He always make me feel shame for not wanting to kill.

But I always thought even as boy

no, Papa-san, real man does not kill.

Real man saves.

And so I dedicate my life

to save creature no one else--

- Understands?

- Hai. Yes.

I know is not manly but--

- Hiro, I think it's the most manly thing

I've ever heard.

(romantic music)

(Hiro clears throat)

Close.

My dad was a geologist.

He always said to follow your heart (chuckles).

- Heart go out of chest?

- No, it's an expression.

But he died when I was 10.

And then Mom said,

"Shirley, be more like a girl."

(chuckles)

And then I majored in physics and she said,

"Girls can't be scientists."

And Dr. Blowheart says the same thing.

- He's right.

Girl cannot be scientist.

- But I thought you would--

- Only woman can be scientist.

(phone ringing)

- (sighs) Blowheart-san.

I mean, Richard.

I mean, Dr. Blowheart.

Dr. Shirley Yujest.

I'll never be accepted

as a real nuclear physicist without him.

(answering machine beeps)

- Shirley girly, where are you?

Pick up, I need you!

Let's see.

Attack.

Disasters.

Monsters.

Hollywood.

Ah, we don't have a budget for that.

Well, Pentagon.

(phone clacking)

(phone ringing)

- Pentagon.

- Yes, this is Dr. Richard Blowheart,

legendary nuclear physicist.

- Hold please.

- Wait, I don't think you realize

who you're talking to. ♪ Fly me to Ft. Wayne ♪

♪ Let me play amongst the corn ♪

♪ Hey let me see ♪

♪ What love is like ♪ - Catchy.

♪ In Peoria and Des Moines ♪

- Sorry, Satanists again.

They wanted the Pentagram.

Your dime.

- Yes, I need to speak to the head

of the U.S. Armed Forces.

- Yeah, well, the head and the feet

and even those useless little hairs

that you get in your ears of the Armed Forces

are all in a meeting.

Some kind of kerfuffle in Cuba.

- Look, I happen to be head of a atomic testes

for all of southwest Ohio, ego, I--

- Putting you through.

- What?

To who?

(tense drumming music)

(typewriter clacking)

(phone ringing)

- Try changing the filter.

- What?

This is Dr. Richard Blowheart.

Who's this?

- Dr. Richard Blowheart?

- No, I am.

Who is this really?

- This is four-star Frigid Air General Dirk Bogus.

- Brigadier General?

- No, Frigid Air General.

I'm head of military refrigeration

for all of southwestern Ohio.

Very strategic.

- Oh.

Well, I need to speak to whoever's in charge.

- Hello?

Hello?

Cuba.

Yes.

(tense military music)

That would be me.

- Oh, I see.

Well, we have a little monster problem.

Make that a big monster problem

with serious flatulence.

Ego, we're gonna need some ginormous firepower

and some legendary heroic action.

- Yes!

- What?

- I'll round up the firepower!

- Great, I'll bring the bean dip!

(phone ringing)

- Ciao, baby.

- Kenny?

- Uncle Dirk?

- You still want to be a filmmaker?

(upbeat music)

(Notzilla growling)

(typewriter clacking)

- Dude, I thought you were gonna wipe out on that last curl,

but you totally slotted it! (Notzilla footsteps thudding)

(Bobby laughing)

That's totally gonna be a thing.

(Notzilla groans)

You're gonna score yourself beaucoup brew, dude!

(metal clattering)

(Bobby laughing)

(Notzilla glugging)

Don't OD, you party animal!

(Notzilla growls)

Oh man, the dino shreds!

(lively military music)

(typewriter clacking)

- You brought the tripod, right?

- Please, Uncle B. (typewriter clacking)

Does Francois Truffaut forget his tripod?

- Ah, Colonel Stickler. (typewriter clacking)

What's our firepower?

- 17 tanks, 13 rocket launchers,

and a dozen fighter jets en route, sir.

- Good.

And are the extras, I mean,

what do you call them?

The troops, amassed?

- 650 on Dookie Hill.

- Tough soldiers?

- All made out of the same high quality polymer

as the artillery.

Plus more arriving as we speak.

- You getting this, Kenny?

- Hello?

Rolling!

- How many arriving?

- Hard to say.

(lively military music & marching footsteps.)

- And my co-star?

- I'm sorry, sir?

- The dinosaur, darn it!

- Oh, he's been spotted a mile away.

- How's the light, Kenny?

- Warm, sanguine, (tense music)

perfect contrast to the impending carnage.

But we gotta roll now or we're gonna lose our irony.

- You heard him.

Cue talent, cue irony!

- But I can't just...

Right, sir. (lively military music)

Colonel Mustard, fire a rocket volley

to draw the, uh, talent's attention.

- Yes, sir.

- Closer.

It was an ironic, sang...

sang...

- Sanguine.

- Sanguine morning when Dirk Bogus,

four-star General--

(typewriter clacking) (lively military music)

Four.

When Dirk Bogus faced the monster from--

- The pit!

- Pittsburgh!

- No!

(dramatic music)

- General Bogus, he's here, and I think he's seen us!

- Eh! (dramatic music)

- Yes, he definitely has. (tense music)

- Excellent.

Action!

- Rocket launchers, now!

(explosions booming)

(rockets whirring)

(explosions booming)

(rocket whistling)

(rocket thudding)

(Notzilla groaning)

(rocket popping)

(Notzilla growling)

He's bouncing them around as if they were nothing but toys!

- What about the soldiers?

- Sir, if the rockets can't stop him,

I don't see how bullets--

- Use bigger bullets!

Fire, men! (rockets booming)

(soldier grunting)

(Notzilla thudding)

(men shouting)

How's it look, Kenny?

- Hideous! (bullets whirring)

Surreal!

Kafka-esque!

- Good fear, people!

- Sir, the jets are here!

(jets rumbling)

(tense music)

(jet thudding)

He got us!

- We got him!

- And now he's heading for Cincinnati!

- We must go there immediately.

- Right, sir!

- And develop this footage!

(car rumbling) (birds chirping)

(lighthearted music)

- I'm here to save the...

Hello?

(jet whirring) (Richard mimics jet whirring)

- Good evening.

A huge imported monster

broke through our Dookie defense today

and is believed to be headed towards Cincinnati.

Ooo, lovely fuchsia sunrise, General!

- Oh, thanks.

Thanks, I call it sanguine (chuckles).

- Is it true you plan to capture the monster?

- Not just capture him.

I want to capture his,

I want to...

- His essence.

- (clears throat) I want to capture his essence,

the darkness that lives inside each one of us,

the primal yearning to-- - Primitive yearning...

- In other news, Troop 336 sold a record number

of Thin Mints this week!

- I will save you! (dramatic music)

- I will crush you!

(dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking)

(phone ringing)

Shirley?

- No, it's Bogus.

- What is?

- I am.

- No kidding!

You said 8 a.m.

I show up 10 minutes late, 10 minutes,

and no one's there!

- Right.

So, listen, this is a little embarrassing,

but we had a little trouble with your monster today

and, well, now all the stores are closed

and Amazon hasn't been invented yet,

so I was wondering if you had

any super-secret

atomic weapons lying around. (typewriter clacking)

- Well, I'd have to look around and see if...

Why, yes, of course, what was I thinking?

We have a super-secret atomic weapon here.

We'd have to build a full-sized version of it

or get down low and look up.

You know how when you get down really low

and you look up at something

it's like, oh wow, it's so big!

- Great!

Can you bring it to--

- Oh no you don't, Bogus boy!

I operate this baby myself!

I'm the hero here!

- Well, I hope it backfires

in your face, Mr. Poopyface!

- That's Dr. Mr. Poopyface to you!

(tense music)

- Hello, my name is Ichihiro Honda.

You kill my monster.

Prepare to--

- Itchy.

(tense Oriental music)

(Hiro gasps)

Itchy, you are not a true man!

- Papa-san?

Please, I cannot be you. (tinkling music)

- Itchy, you'll never be a real man!

- Blowheart-san?

Please, I cannot... (tinkling music)

- Itchy--

- Do not call me Itchy!

I am Hiro!

(arm thuds)

Oy.

I wish I did not skip karate class in high school now.

(tense music) (elevator bell dings)

(gentle Oriental music)

- Itchy?

You look so calm

and so clean-shaven.

- Zen.

- Really?

Wow.

Listen, I know things have been strained between us.

- Strained?

We're talking baby poo.

- It's time to quit (tense music)

pussyfooting around and kill that pet iguana of yours.

It's a threat to mankind!

- You are threat to mankind!

- It's ugly and gassy!

- You are ugly and gassy!

- It's a toy truck dressed in pink polka-dotted pantaloons!

- You are toy truck in...

What?

- (Teenage girl voice) Hah!

(Teenage girl voice) Made you say it!

(Teenage girl vocie) Oh, wow, you're just so immature!

(Teenage girl voice) I can't believe

I like ever even let you hang out with me!

- (Normal voice) Listen to us.

(gentle string music) - You're right.

I don't have time for this.

I have a super-secret Uber-Fission Mega-Blaster to build!

- What is this blaster?

- It's a nuclear canon that shoots 200 radioactive rays

with more firepower than the entire Peloponnesian Wars!

Or one of those wars.

- And this is safe?

- It'll leave a radioactive cloud over Cincinnati

for about 50 years but after that

you'll never even know it was there.

Anyway, it's for my... (dramatic music)

It's for their own good.

- You are completely crazy person!

- Real men kill, Itchy.

- No, Papa-san!

(gentle string music)

- Papa who?

- Hoo!

Why did I skip karate class?

Wait... (gentle string music)

I win 5th Grade Composition contest!

Warning!

I have black belt in haiku!

(gentle string music)

- Haiku?

Isn't that--

- Japanese poetry, yes.

And is devastating when delivered

by 5th Grade Master!

(Richard laughs)

Each falling leaf (dramatic drumming music)

is like a butterfly

whose life has reached conclusion.

Why does my old dog

who has no eyes see more than I shall ever see?

(eerie music)

- God, I love dogs.

The boy stood on the burning deck!

- How many summers shall leave

before the winter stays forevermore?

(eerie music)

Is about death.

- I know, I just figured that out.

"Listen my children and you shall hear

"of the midnight ride of--"

- Warriors storm castle, but hearts

can only be conquered

with arrows of love.

(eerie music)

- Here I sit brokenhearted, tried..."

(eerie music)

I give!

Your words are so sparse

and yet so profoundly infused with meaning.

- I will stop you

(tense music) and save Notzilla!

(dramatic music)

- (Teenage girl voice)

Fine, and I guess we can't be friends!

(mimics gun whirring)

Finding targets.

(mimics gun firing)

(mimics explosion booming)

(mimics men screaming)

(mimics gun whooshing)

I shall return.

(loud knocking)

- (Shirley) Dr. Blowheart.

When we started SNUGI you said I'd be a physicist

within three months.

But it's been three years,

three years, and yet (sultry music)

I realize I still need you to teach me

how to be a real scientist.

Plus, you're so insanely handsome!

- Please, Shirley girly, I'm happy to be your role model,

but no more of this inappropriate behavior!

- Stop, stop it!

Stop it!

First of all, I don't need you to be my role model!

Second, it's ergo, not ego

as in let the air go out of your ego.

And third, my last name isn't girly!

- I don't think of you as just a Shirley.

With that girly little giggle of yours

and that little lip quiver.

- That you make me do!

I hate those!

- But they're so you!

- You know what?

You're right.

- I am?

- Yeah, and I don't think of you as a Richard, either.

- Really.

- No.

You're really more of a Dick.

- Ha.

(comical tense music) (footsteps thudding)

- Oh!

(footsteps thudding)

- I should go back and apologize.

But if I don't, I'll, mmm...

(Shirley screams)

(Shirley screaming) (buildings rumbling)

- Be more (tinkling music)

like a girl, Shirley!

(gentle Oriental music)

- I am a girl, Mom!

And a scientist!

But he treats me more like,

like I'm his personal geisha!

- Isn't that what you are? (gentle string music)

- No!

I could never look at myself like that.

(tinkling music)

- You are not a true man!

- What?

Who are you?

- Sorry, wrong mirror.

(tinkling music) (loud knocking)

- Larry, I told you, I don't want to...

Professor.

Hiro.

I was just talking to your father.

- Yes, because I kick him (gentle music)

out of my reflection.

- Would you like a glass of-- (romantic music)

- Dinosaur pee?

(both laughing and snorting)

- Tonight "8 1/2 Samurai" is on Public Service television!

It is sequel to my favorite movie!

- Oh, well, good.

I could use a break from destroying my career.

(gentle music) (birds chirping)

- Tomorrow I face certain death.

As my personal geisha, you will comfort me.

(Samurai grunting)

- You smell like a sumo wrestler

so you will take a bath.

- You will bathe me, little Lotus Bottom.

- No! (gentle Oriental music)

And it is Lotus Blossom! (Richard grunting)

Stop it! (sword clanging)

This is my fantasy!

Why do I always (Richard grunts)

have to translate everything that you say?

- Huh, perhaps it is because we are dubbed?

- No, in real life, you idiot.

Wait, that's why you keep me as your assistant.

You can't be you without me!

(birds chirping)

It doesn't make any sense.

No, it doesn't.

- Wait--something is...

- Off?

- Yes.

You're not your true self.

- Who's not their true self?

You're not?

I'm not?

No, you're not!

Stop it!

No, you stop it!

(tense music)

- What?

How did I get here?

And where is here?

Oh, downtown.

- Shirley girly!

(Shirley gasps)

(footsteps thudding) (Shirley screaming)

(glass shattering)

- Uh, eww!

Helpless girl-scream.

Stop it!

- Shirley girly.

- Bad monster!

No!

(Richard laughing)

(rays whirring)

- Hiro, no!

You can't stop him alone!

I'll help you!

But first, I have to be my true self,

my true self,

my true self, - Shirley, Shirley.

my true self - Shirley!

Shirley-chan.

- My true self.

You have dream.

- My true self, my true self.

Wait, but it wasn't a dream. (tense music)

You were there,

and Richard was there,

and an ATM,

and Tokyo too.

(gentle Oriental music)

- Tokyo?

(gong clanging)

- Oh, wait.

It was Cincinnati.

- What is an ATM?

- I have no idea.

But Richard was attacking the city.

Notzilla's not the monster, Richard is!

(typewriter clacking)

And his blaster's going to destroy everyone in Cincinnati!

Wait. (romantic music)

You, you called me Shirley-chan.

- Is nickname you give someone you have much feeling for.

- Oh, I have much feeling for you too, Hiro.

But first we have to save Notzilla

and stop Richard!

- But your career?

- Oh, I'll worry about that in a sequel.

But right now, I have to be my true self!

- Yes, yes!

But how?

Beer has made his cells blew up.

I tried to unify his cells and return him to his true size,

to make formula for reverse beer.

But so far I fail.

I need catalyst.

- Fusion!

My theory for warm fusion!

Fusion holds stars together.

Did you know that?

And people too.

- Before I thought I have no power,

but now I think I do!

(dramatic romantic music)

(lipstick top pops)

(dramatic romantic music)

- Ooh!

(kisses smooching)

I very like this warm fusion!

- Me too!

(train whistle blaring)

(train clacking) (tense music)

(footsteps thudding) (comical tense music)

(tense music) (train clacking)

(comical tense music)

(tense music)

(footstep thud)

(train whistle blaring)

(people screaming)

(train wheels screeching)

(tense music)

(train clacking)

(people shouting)

(metal clanking)

(woman screaming)

(man shouting)

(man shouting)

(man shouting)

- Cool.

(gentle music)

- Do you know

what time it is? (typewriter clacking)

- You have to help me save the world!

We have only one day left!

- Ach!

(speaking in foreign language)

I have this book too!

But I got stuck on the last chapter.

- This is last chapter!

- Well, it's about time!

(dramatic music)

- This must be ready--

- By tomorrow!

- Tomorrow?

Without testing? (typewriter clacking)

Uff-da!

There are 200 plutonium rods in that barrel.

If they aim uncontrolled--

- A ooda ooda.

Come on, Lars.

- It's Bjorn.

And I'm not from Sweden.

- Hey, who is nominated for the Nobel War Prize, huh?

- There's a Nobel War Prize?

- I am missing "8 1/2 Samurai"!

Why do we have to do this?

- My heart broke when "Midwestern Hayride" went off.

- So we can kill that beer-stealing iguana

and introduce the world

to my Uber-Fission power, that's why!

Oh, yeah, and so you don't lose your jobs

right before Christmas!

- It's August.

- Which is Christmas in Sweden!

Right, Bjork?

- We will build it, I promise,

oh manly, stubble-faced leader!

And it will be the best Uber-Fission Mega-Blaster ever!

- Well, yeah, because it's the only--

(toilet flushing)

(jazzy music)

(lively music)

(Pearl gasping)

(tense music)

(typewriter clacking) (birds chirping)

(light drumming music)

- Oh, he'll never get past this field!

There he is, sir.

- Are you getting this, Kenny?

- Like a match to celluloid.

(dramatic music)

- Hmm.

- You idiot!

I told you to mine the field, mine the field!

(phone ringing)

(Shirley snorting)

- Hiro?

Richard. - It's me, Pearl.

You're not gonna believe what I discovered about Blowfish.

But I can't tell you on the phone

because that would undercut the dramatic build-up.

So get over to Gus's now!

(suspenseful music) (machine beeping)

(Mort grunts)

(lively German music)

(gentle music)

What's that?

- A list of ways to kill Richard.

- You're gonna like him even less when you hear this.

I'm guessing you'll be looking for a job.

- (chuckles) As a woman nuclear physicist?

- Oh, I understand.

Me, I got a double glass ceiling.

I'm a woman

and I'm from New Jersey.

- What can you tell me that I don't already loathe

about Richard Blowheart?

- Not much, since he died April 1st of 1945.

- What?

- In Liechtenstein, testing his Uber-Fission Mega-Blaster.

(Shirley gasps)

The entire research center

went wigi-wigi kabunga-schlacht!

The only other survivor was Blowheart's chauffeur.

(dramatic music) (Shirley gasps)

Breathe, honey.

(Shirley panting)

(typewriter clacking)

- He's having the team build a Mega-Blaster!

- Yeah, I know.

- You know?

- Yep, just like I know you're about to say--

- I have to stop them!

And Hiro has to save Notzilla!

- And I've gotta tell the world about it.

(dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking) (dramatic military music)

- Bring up your rear!

Now fall back!

(men grunting)

- This is it, men, I...

Our last bastard of defense!

- Bastion.

- Last bastard of bastion.

If the monster makes it into the city,

we face impossible odds.

One way streets, rush hour traffic.

- Sir, the creature is approaching!

- If we fail to stop him here,

there'll be more bloodshed, and I,

four-star General Dirk Bogus, (typewriter clacking)

(heroic music) simply will not allow

that to happen!

- Actually, sir, no one has died.

It's almost as if the monster were just playing.

- Not on my watch.

Not on my watch!

Is the grid ready?

- Yes, sir!

Just turned it on.

2,000 kilowatts, and no mimes in sight.

He'll look like fried Goetta the second

he touches that tower! (blimp whirring)

There he is!

(dramatic music)

Wait, where did that blimp come from?

(flourishes music)

(lively college fight music)

(blimp clattering)

(Notzilla growling)

(electricity whirring and buzzing)

(somber music)

- Hmm.

(electricity crackling and whirring)

(Notzilla grumbling)

Whoa.

(Notzilla laughing)

- He likes it!

- Ha, I knew it! (gentle music)

My team is finishing my Uber-Fission Mega-Blaster

even as we speak.

Ego...

Ergo, I'm the one to end this massive bloodshed

once and for all!

- You and whose army?

- There hasn't been any actual blood--

- Shut up!

- Wait!

Listen. (birds chirping)

- What, I don't hear anything.

- That's just it!

Hah! (lively military music)

I always wanted to say that!

(Notzilla roaring)

(footsteps thudding)

- Ooh.

(metal clanking)

(Notzilla glugging)

(Notzilla belching)

Ooh!

(can clattering)

- What's that, oh! (cat screeching)

- (laughing) Relax. (tense music)

It's just a cat.

You want a cigarette?

- Sure.

Got a light?

(Notzilla footsteps thudding)

Oh oh oh!

(Notzilla belching)

Thanks.

- (Man laughing) Hey, Ann, come here.

Take a look at this.

- What is it, Marty?

- Look, why do they always do that?

(tense music) They always get outta the car.

- Ah, for no reason.

- Yeah exactly and then they run.

- And for no reason.

Yeah, well, and then they fall down.

(Shirley shouts)

- For no reason.

- Exactly.

- (chuckles) Oh great, and then I fall down.

- And then, aye, up. (tense music)

There's the monster.

(Shirley screaming) (Notzilla growling)

And the monster always comes and picks 'em up.

(Notzilla growling)

- Oh, no wait, Marty, look.

That's a doll.

- You're right, it is.

No, no, wait, look, look close, is are.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- (cries) Now I know

how Fay Wray felt. (Notzilla growling)

(tense music)

(Notzilla snorting)

You like it?

It's called Eau de Terror.

(Notzilla growling)

Oh, is that more beer?

(Notzilla growling) Great, more beer.

(Notzilla grunts)

(Notzilla glugging)

He must be 160 feet tall by now.

They grow up so fast.

(Notzilla growling)

(dramatic music) (Notzilla belching)

(both shouting)

- Marty, go get some marshmallows.

(Notzilla grunting)

- Hey, no.

Wait, bad dinosaur!

Bad Notzilla!

That's right.

You heard me, didn't you?

You did.

Mama Notzilla says no.

(Notzilla grunting)

Yes she does.

Little tiny Mama Notzilla says no!

Now throw that thing away.

You don't know where it's been!

Like, oh, no, no! (tense music)

Wrong hand, wrong hand! - Huh?

No.

- The other hand, the other hand.

That's right, honey.

(wood clattering)

Oh, ooh.

(people screaming) (dramatic music)

- Let's go, let's go, let's really go!

Push him back, push him back, way back.

(lively military music)

- Where are the tanks?

- Stuck in traffic.

There he is!

(dramatic music)

(Notzilla groaning and sloshing)

(Notzilla belching) (tense music)

- Oh.

- Wait, he's turning around.

We're safe.

- Wait.

No!

- It's not so much the fire I mind--

- It's where it comes from?

- Exactly.

(tense music)

- No, bad Notzilla, bad!

Put the fire out, honey.

- Oh.

(zipper unzipping)

(urine hissing)

- Well, that's better.

We can't let them hurt you, baby,

so go to your room!

Go to the hills.

- Huh?

- The hills.

Only put Mama down first!

(Notzilla groans) (tense music)

Go, baby, go.

(footsteps thudding)

(lively music)

- Like I told General Dufus-- (typewriter clacking)

- Bogus.

- He certainly is.

All the bigwigs are busy.

- Well, who's the biggest wig left?

- Putting you through.

- This is General Specific. (typewriter clacking)

Holy moly, that is so great!

- What?

I haven't said anything yet.

- I just read the subtitle.

I'm sorry, how can I help you?

- We have a situation here in Cincinnati.

- I have tickets to the ballet.

I will ask Dr. Blowheart (typewriter clacking)

to join me.

- Huh, you'll never make it.

- And why is that, Monsieur Gauche?

- Because we got a ticket to the moon right there.

- I'm leavin' for Houston

at 5:23 p.m. (machine beeping)

- I'm flying to Stockholm, Sweden at 2:45.

Just kidding.

Minneapolis, don't you know.

- Oh, now I know the world's gonna end.

Bloch made a funny!

- Oh, you of little faith!

Our brilliant leader would not--

- Oh, yes he would!

- What?

- (sighs) The real Dr. Blowheart

went kabunga-schlacht in 1945. (dramatic music)

Our Richard is the former child actor Donnie Draper,

star of "The Dougie Dougwood, Boy Genius Serials".

- But no, I love those!

Donnie Draper is why I became a physicist.

I swore one day I would marry him!

- He's French.

- Uh huh.

- Oof da, I could tell Donnie Draper

didn't understood a word he said.

- And now Cincinnati's gonna go kabunga-schlacht

if we don't keep this third-grade tether-ball champ

away from that!

- I always used to break that little rope

where the little ball would angle from.

Could never play it.

- I don't believe it!

Are you saying one of us is not what they claim to be?

- Oh, for cute, how could we have missed it?

- But our jobs.

- Will be toast, yes.

But, please, disarm the Blaster before...

We have to stop letting him define us.

We are not his personal geishas!

- You had me until geisha.

(Shirley sighs)

(tense music)

(emotional music) (Shirley sighs)

- Who put this crazy narcissist in charge?

- Why they.

- Oh I know.

You'll say they did.

But who is they?

They is us.

We are all to blame.

(typewriter clacking) (bell dinging)

- Right, thanks.

(typewriter clacking)

This is what he does to people!

(mimics explosions booming)

This is Uber-Fission.

(mimics explosions booming)

(sighs)

A real leader doesn't push people apart.

But he brings them together

and empowers them.

He helps them find their true selves!

(machine beeping)

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

Uh, I got bupkes.

- What is this?

- The formula for warm fusion.

It incorporates all of your notes.

(all gasping)

- You took me? - What?

- I filed the patent in your names.

(lively music)

(dramatic music)

(lively military music) (typewriter clacking)

- Line those tanks up. (tanks rumbling)

Keep those cards and letters coming in!

General Bogus, sir!

We're ready.

The moment that monster shows up--

- No!

We have to wait for, what's it called again?

- Magic hour! (tense music)

- We can't wait.

It'll be disastrous.

- It'll be gorgeous!

- Where will my face look best?

- I'd rather not say, sir.

- All right, SNUGI's,

pull the tarp off! (tense music)

Gorgeous!

Now point it toward the city.

- But the monster will be coming from--

- Drama, people!

It's all about drama!

Wind rustling hair, check.

Sun glinting off of manly stubble, check.

- You!

Ignore him.

- I'm in charge here. - I'm in control here!

Without my tanks--

- Without my Blaster--

- The world faces certain--

(feet sloshing)

- Dooky?

- Poop?

How did that get here?

- Notzilla, sir!

- Nonsense.

There'd be a lot more of it if--

- No, Notzilla!

Half a mile away. (tense music)

- Oh!

(Notzilla groans)

(Notzilla sniffs)

- Initiate dramatic finale build-up!

(speaking in foreign language)

(dramatic music)

(engine revving)

(machine whirring)

(machine beeping)

- (gasps) Well, so much for being accepted

as a real scientist.

Or saving Cincinnati.

Where's Hiro?

We can't do this without him.

- Who wants chili?

- I do!

(tense music)

- Now or never, Uncle B!

- Wait, men!

Get back on camera,

I mean back in strategic positions!

(dramatic music)

(machine crackling)

(all gasping)

- 50 years tops!

I mean, it would be the City that Glows!

(tense music) - General Bogus,

Notzilla is coming!

- My precious!

(machine beeping and whirring)

(dramatic music)

(machine fizzles)

(crickets chirping)

- Ooh, I've been there.

- Uh huh.

- You're all fired!

- Now we know what you meant

by unlimited power, tuchas-breath!

- You don't give beer to a lizard, Donnie!

- But how did you know?

- And I'm not Swedish, you imbecile.

And I'm not white either!

- Dr. Bloch, you're black?

How could you!

Oh, where's my...

Oh, Shirley!

At least I can count on my girl.

- Woman.

Scientist.

(Richard grunting)

Aww, I'm sorry.

Is that inappropriate?

Now, where's that little giggle I love?

(Richard squeaking)

(laughs) I love it when you do that.

It's so you.

Thank you.

- It's our honor, Dr. Yujest.

- Notzilla is here! (dramatic music)

(footsteps thudding)

- Aww.

(Notzilla grunting)

(trees thudding)

- Oh, oh.

How sweet!

He brought me a bouquet

of trees. (Notzilla grunts)

(Shirley giggles)

- Fire! (dramatic music)

Fire!

- Go away, baby, no, go away!

- Huh?

- Yeah, no.

Go on, baby.

It's okay.

- Huh? - No, it's okay.

Go, go. (truck rumbling)

(gentle music)

It works?

- Hi.

- Hi!

(upbeat music)

- Notzilla - Okay, baby.

(speaking in foreign language) - Mama Notzilla

says it's okay. - Look!

It is Padiddle time! - It's the right time.

- It's here.

- Right here, baby.

Come on, baby. (Notzilla groans)

Okay, come on.

- Notzilla. - Come on, baby.

- Little kaiju come on.

(metal clanging) (dramatic music)

(Notzilla groans)

(Notzilla glugging)

(metal clanging)

(Notzilla whirring and creaking)

(tense music) (Notzilla chirping)

(Notzilla clicking)

(upbeat music)

(all laughing)

(people chattering)

(birds chirping)

- (speaking in foreign language) Butay?

- You lied!

I hate you, Richard!

(slap thudding)

(slap thudding)

I love you, Donnie! (sultry music)

- (gasps) Butay's a woman?

- Well, now I feel better about looking at her--

- Uh huh.

(bell dings)

- Just look at you!

How could anyone do science when you look like that?

- Wait.

Did you actually just say that?

- Oui.

- I love you!

- I must possess you!

- Okay.

- You are an imbecile,

but you are my imbecile!

- She's French.

- Uh huh.

(slap thudding)

(Dr. Butay panting)

- I am sorry.

You are a real scientist

and a real woman.

- As are you.

And I understand why you did what you did.

- And I am sorry I have to do this.

Love makes one stupid, no?

- Do what?

(dramatic music)

(tense music)

(typewriter clacking)

(machine whirring and beeping)

- Only one plutonium rod

is working, mon cher.

But it is enough for you to kill

the creature that has stolen your joy.

(dramatic music)

(vocalized music)

- Stand back, everyone, or I will destroy you.

(Shirley gasps)

For your own good, of course. (tense music)

I only wanna kill Notzilla.

(dramatic music)

(machine whirring)

- I am Notzilla!

- I am Notzilla!

- I am Notzilla!

- I am totally Notzilla, dude.

(Notzilla chirping)

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

(Teenage girl voice) Fine.

Then I guess we can't be friends!

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪ (machine whirring)

♪ Kumbaya ♪

(dramatic music)

(machine whirring)

(all gasping)

- Oh.

(beer rustling)

(Richard screaming)

(tense music)

- Aww.

(all laughing)

(people chattering)

- Look at him.

- Dr. Shirley Yujest?

(upbeat music)

- Yes?

- I'm General Specific.

Miss Stringer gave me the intel

and the rest I've seen for myself.

Dr. Blowfish is no longer fit to head SNUGI.

Anyway his theories are bogus.

- Sir, uh, ma'am!

- Shut up.

Can your rebuild the program using your warm fusion?

The team says they'll only stay if you're in charge.

- Yes, ma'am!

(group cheering) - Professor Honda?

If you agree, I have been authorized

to install you as head

of the Pentagon's new Giant Monster Protection Program.

(all cheering)

(all applauding)

- Woo hoo!

- Yes, but protection from what?

- Sequels! (dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking)

(boat horn blaring)

- Do you have any regrets about adopting?

- None whatsoever, darling.

(Shirley giggles)

- Oh, sit up straight, honey.

- Do what your mother says.

(Shirley chuckles)

(Notzilla sighs)

- Mmm.

(Notzilla chortles)

- Funny how you look for happiness

and one day it finds you.

- Sit up straight, honey.

- Now, sweetie pie,

remember I used to be a really important person.

(slap thudding)

(typewriter clacking)

- And you're happy too, my love?

- Yes.

I'm just glad that everyone is finally their true size.

- (groans) Me too.

(Shirley chuckles)

- Don't forget your toys, honey.

(Notzilla chirping)

- I've been waiting to ask how you feel

about having more children.

And now seems (Notzilla growling)

like a good time.

- Oh, darling, I don't know how--

(Shirley gasps) (gentle music)

But how?

- Uh, I never said there was only one.

(Shirley chuckles)

(typewriter clacking)

(dramatic music)

(typewriter clacking)

(horn tooting)

- Hey, it's Charlie the Big Cheese Cheeseman

on WHAT-AM.

- What?

- It's Notzilla week, people.

That's right, everybody's favorite monster

is inspiring hits so big I can't stand 'em.

- What?

- First up is "Dino Surfin'",

the breakout new single

from Kentucky's number one surf band,

Bobby and the Bleech Boys!

(lively music)

♪ Well I didn't own no records ♪

♪ And I never seen a movie ♪

♪ My grandpa said I love you, son ♪

♪ But, dude, you sure ain't groovy uh huh ♪

♪ Stop drivin' that old tractor, boy ♪

♪ And parking it at school ♪

♪ It definitely factors into why you're so uncool ♪

♪ Uh huh huh ♪

♪ You gotta catch a fin ♪

♪ And go dino surfin' with me ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Wow! Notzilla ♪

♪ The groove begins when we're dino surfin' you'll see♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Pow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ Once you ride a dino tail ♪

♪ You'll be hanging 10 ♪

♪ Everyone's so fine ♪

♪ Oh boy you'll wonder where you've been all your life ♪

♪ Once dino moves he's a combustible machine ♪

♪ Especially if he's had a lot of beer ♪

♪ And ate some beans ♪

♪ Uh uh oh ♪

♪ You gotta catch a fin and go dino surfin' with me ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Wow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ The groove begins when you're dino surfin' you'll see ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Pow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ You gotta catch a fin and go dino surfin' with me ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Wow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ The groove begins when you're dino surfin' you'll see ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Pow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ You gotta catch a fin and go dino surfin' with me ♪

♪ Groovy, groovy, groovy, groovy- Wow! Notzilla! ♪

♪ The groove begins when you're dino surfin' you'll see ♪

♪ Groovy ♪

- It's time to make the world

a better place, people.

- What?

- No, just kiddin'!

Hey, let's crank it up with a hot new single

from Dina and the Shorells. (lively music)

♪ There's really nothing to it, honey ♪

♪ You'll be on top of it all ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ If attitude is altitude ♪

♪ Then, baby, you're 10 stories tall ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ So lift up your tail ♪

♪ And let out a pop ♪

♪ You just can't fail ♪

♪ To do a little hop ♪

♪ Then throw up your claws ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ And do do it some more ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ Dramatic pause ♪

♪ Now roar ♪

♪ Get your roar on ♪

♪ Your fins they look like paper dolls ♪

♪ Your zipper comes up to your neck ♪

♪ Shoo, come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ But honey you're original ♪

♪ A one dinosaur discotheque ♪

♪ Shoo, come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ So lift up your tail ♪

♪ And let out a pop ♪

♪ You just can't fail ♪

♪ To do a little hop ♪

♪ Then throw up your claws ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ And do it some more ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ Dramatic pause ♪

♪ Now roar ♪

♪ Get your roar on ♪

♪ So lift up your tail ♪

♪ And let out a pop ♪

♪ You just can't fail ♪

♪ To do a little hop ♪

♪ Then throw up your claws ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ And do it some more ♪

(hands clapping)

♪ Dramatic pause ♪

♪ Now roar ♪

♪ Get your roar on ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the Notzilla ♪