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1
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Good morning, New Woodstream.
2
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Let's have a day of it.
3
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Good morning, Peter.
4
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Saw your wife.
She told me everything.
5
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Well, who are you, sir?
6
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I'm going to name you hungry for now.
7
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And you can call me sucker.
8
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Let's go. Come on in.
9
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You're gonna love it.
10
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Izzy, I have very exciting news.
11
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Today I am going to start
my first ever full-length novel.
12
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No more procrastination.
13
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Now you go lay down
in your orthopedic bed.
14
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Good darling.
15
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And begin.
16
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Abigail Mapleworth.
To whom am I speaking?
17
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Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How's the novel coming?
18
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Jerry, I've written
64 murder mystery novellas.
19
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I think I've got this.
20
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I once wrote a Yelp review
that was 20 pages long
21
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about a restaurant that used balsamic
that was not house-made, as claimed.
22
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Okay, well,
I'll let you work your magic.
23
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There's nothing magic
about murder, Jerry.
24
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And you should also wear pants
when you're in the office.
25
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How did you--
26
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I hate when you do that.
27
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All right. For real this time, Abigail.
28
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And begin.
29
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Oh, my goodness gracious.
30
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No bark!
31
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Heidi?
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- Hi, Aunt Abigail.
- Ohh, come in here!
33
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Look at you!
34
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Oh, you've grown into
such a beautiful young gal.
35
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I thought you were going to be
a little mushroom like I am,
36
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but your legs got in the game
just in time.
37
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Mom and Dad said thanks so much
for letting me stay here.
38
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- Of course.
- It was either this
39
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or go home to Australia,
you know, back in the marsupial pouch.
40
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Oh.
41
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- Oh!
- Oh, here are all the babies
42
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- from my marsupial pouch.
- Hi! Ohh.
43
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Oh, and give her kisses.
Oh, kisses!
44
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So your parents tell me
that you're going to be finishing college
45
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at New Woodstream
instead of Princeton.
46
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Uh, that reminds me.
I've gotta go online
47
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- and register for classes.
- Hm.
48
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Um, what's your Wi-Fi?
49
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It's Wireless Network.
50
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You should change that.
51
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- Uh, password?
- Oh.
52
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WXRT443MQ123four--
53
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the four is spelled F-O-U-R--
54
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and then an entire line of asterisks
55
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that just look like
a little blanket of snow.
56
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It's a strong password.
57
00:03:01,327 --> 00:03:03,955
And if you need anything at all,
at any time, you just--
58
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Dingy-ding.
And I'll be right in that bed right there.
59
00:03:10,169 --> 00:03:12,797
Wait, we're sleeping
right next to each other?
60
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- Mm.
- Don't you have, like,
61
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- three other bedrooms?
- I do.
62
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There's one for the dogs,
one for the cats,
63
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and then the third one
is where they all meet for parties.
64
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As you can see, Heidi,
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the town square
is quite the bevy of activity.
66
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This is my favorite shop
All windchimes all the time,
67
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and it's open till 11:00.
68
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I can't post any of these.
Is it possible to have negative bars?
69
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Oh, there's a grand opening sign
up there.
70
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Something is exciting.
71
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Let's check it out.
72
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Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.
73
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Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.
74
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That's pretty cocky
to call themselves a hot spot.
75
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No, it's an Internet hot spot.
76
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Congrats on your big opening, jackass.
77
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Maybe you can finally
pay me back the money
78
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you sucked from my savings,
you prick.
79
00:04:01,554 --> 00:04:03,556
I hope you die soon!
80
00:04:03,598 --> 00:04:08,269
And if you don't, let me know,
so I can kill you myself!
81
00:04:10,146 --> 00:04:13,233
Sorry about that.
That's my ex-wife.
82
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She's an asshole.
83
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So what do you think
of the shop?
84
00:04:17,529 --> 00:04:21,074
It's very nice.
I don't usually frequent meat markets.
85
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Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!
86
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What are you doing now?
87
00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:28,414
Oh, I wanted to display
my homemade dry rub.
88
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Dry rub.
89
00:04:29,958 --> 00:04:32,669
You know what I wanted?
A daughter.
90
00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:34,087
You have Samantha.
91
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Yeah, but she's a shithead.
92
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Now get that crap out of here!
93
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Be better!
94
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Yes, sir.
95
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Come on. Move it!
96
00:04:44,097 --> 00:04:46,182
God damn, that boy's got
about as much common sense
97
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as a bee in a camper toilet.
98
00:04:48,226 --> 00:04:52,146
Just like his mom,
the asshole from earlier. Hm.
99
00:04:52,188 --> 00:04:54,983
Um, excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
100
00:04:55,024 --> 00:04:56,734
Wireless Network.
101
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Password is A1B2C3D4
102
00:05:01,114 --> 00:05:04,993
and then that little squiggle
that goes over Ns in Mexican words.
103
00:05:05,034 --> 00:05:06,411
Okay.
104
00:05:06,452 --> 00:05:07,704
Canelli.
105
00:05:07,745 --> 00:05:09,747
Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.
106
00:05:09,789 --> 00:05:11,624
You get out of here,
and by out of here,
107
00:05:11,666 --> 00:05:13,209
I mean out of this town!
108
00:05:13,251 --> 00:05:17,505
I've been the New Woodstream butcher
since 1987.
109
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Well, we're all tired
of your limp meats.
110
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You're gonna be closed
and out of business in 30 days.
111
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Over my dead body.
112
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Well, I can arrange that!
113
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I'd like to see you try to kill me!
114
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Stop this nonsense.
115
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You two are grown men.
116
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I'm trying to show my young niece
around the beauty of New Woodstream,
117
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and you two are acting
like ridiculous pussies
118
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going at it hard in the alley.
119
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Wow.
120
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Now shake hands.
121
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That's it. I believe in no time
you two will be fast friends,
122
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sharing grinder stories
and comparing the size of your giblets
123
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over a cold beer.
124
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:05,678
That was surprisingly fun.
125
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,306
Wait till you meet
the women's crochet league.
126
00:06:08,348 --> 00:06:10,433
Now those are some skilled hookers.
127
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That was for you, Heidi.
128
00:06:15,647 --> 00:06:19,984
And finally, this is the western
New Woodstream cemetery.
129
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Aunt Abigail, this is
the fourth cemetery you've shown me.
130
00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,782
Well, the rest of them
are closed on Mondays.
131
00:06:25,823 --> 00:06:28,243
Now let's go have a luncheon.
132
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Who says luncheon?
133
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I just did.
Did you not hear me?
134
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And that's my favorite place
to get sanitary napkins.
135
00:06:37,085 --> 00:06:38,795
Oh, Heidi.
136
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I'm going to have to
take off my tour guide hat for a moment
137
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and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.
138
00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:49,222
Let's get to snooping.
139
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Okay, yeah.
140
00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:56,020
Gilbert, has there been
a crime committed?
141
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Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail.
142
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Not sure. I was just about to
go check it out myself, but--
143
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Gol dang it.
144
00:07:05,321 --> 00:07:06,906
This thing's on the fritz again.
145
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,491
It's possessed.
146
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,159
Ohh. Okay.
147
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,874
Oh, wait, Abigail.
You know the drill.
148
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You gotta let me go in first.
Come on!
149
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Heidi, turn away, dear.
150
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There's been a murder.
10991
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