Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

Mary, boardroom now.

Jerry, Joseph.

Quickly.

We haven't got long.

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

Whenever you're ready, gentlemen.

So how's everyone doing, huh?

Are we all okay?

Wow, you're tight.

Chris, can we get some bagels and maybe some pastries?

Also, I'd love a little pot of honey

and some pasta arrabiata.

- Do you want another coffee? - No, I'd better not.

Okay, so first of all,

I would just like to thank all of you

for staying through the night.

No, I love it like this.

You know, some of the best decisions

I've ever made were at night. Let's do this.

I will have some coffee.

Sit. Okay, so as you are aware,

currently all key NHS systems are down as a result

of what Tuva has identified as a polymorphic virus.

- Tuva. - It's polymorphic virus.

Thank you.

In short, we have detected the destructive subsection

of malware which has infiltrated the entire NHS network,

preventing all doctors and nurses

from accessing patient records across the country.

Just as a little tip,

you might want to take a breath every now and then.

So how big a deal is this, I mean really?

Huge.

Approximately one in three Britons uses the NHS every day.

In five hours, it'll be chaos.

Well, I mean, if it's just three people,

I could probably treat them myself.

I said one in three.

Even so.

Why are those same people using the NHS every day?

See, that's the problem with free health care.

Boom, mic drop.

[RADIO CHATTER]

If this gets out, there will be mass panic.

Mary, what's the variance analysis?

Well, there's good news and bad news.

Which would you like first?

- I don't care. - The good news.

No, you should always deliver the good news first.

That way there's a chance that the person

might not even hear the bad news.

I completely agree with that, actually.

I was once singing Happy Birthday at a friend's party

so loud no one even heard that the building was on fire.

- Is that what you meant? - Nope.

- Nope. - Mary, please continue.

We are on a ticking clock here.

Okay, so the good news is that the virus

is definitely running from a single source,

and I've managed to narrow down

which codes we need to go through to debug the system.

How many? Approximately?

About 50,000?

Right.

And the bad news?

Wait, whoa, that wasn't the bad news?

Because the virus is so unstable,

there's no way of us handling the output digitally.

We're going to have to go through all the entries by hand.

What the fuck?

Jerry.

[JOSEPH] There's more.

Right.

Chris, can you and I have a word in private?

No.

Okay, then can everyone please cover your ears?

I'm not listening anyway.

You know, you could tell me if this is a drill.

It's not a drill.

We don't run drills through the night.

With respect, isn't that exactly what you'd say

if this were a drill, though?

With respect, isn't it also

exactly what I would say if it weren't?

Sorry, you completely lost me.

Sorry, is this a drill?

It's not a drill.

It's not a drill.

What?

- A drill! - Sorry.

I think it's a drill.

[CHRIS] Okay, well, if we're doing this by hand,

we'd better crack on.

Surely it'd be quicker

to just go after whoever's responsible

and disable the virus from their own machine?

MI5 are already looking into who may be behind this.

Great, then we should give them a hand.

Apprehending the culprit isn't our job, I'm afraid.

You know that I'm trained in profiling

and enhanced interrogation, right?

Even if we did use those methods over here,

it's not our job.

Shall we make a start?

Chris, seriously.

I mean, Joseph and I have already

made excellent progress honing in on a suspect.

And I mean from a career point of view,

wouldn't it stand you in good stead for a position at MI5?

What makes you think I want to work at MI5?

Doesn't everyone here want to work for MI5?

I just assumed this place was like a holding pen.

You have two minutes to convince me.

- Go. - Excellent.

Joseph, show her what we've got.

Okay, so I have written a program that, fingers crossed,

should be able to predict whether the person

behind this cyber attack is male or female.

Just to narrow it down.

And once you've narrowed it down to half the population,

what do you plan to do, knock on each of their doors?

It's what Santa does.

Sorry, that was a joke, obviously,

just to take the edge off how you're looking at me.

What Joseph means is now that we have a working program,

we could start to add in all kinds of different parameters.

Like what?

Like whether the person behind this

is a known cyber terrorist.

Surely if we knew that,

we'd know if they were male or female.

Yeah, that was a bad example.

Sorry, I just really need the loo as well.

The point is, we're gonna hone in on someone,

and for the record I very much doubt

this is the work of a woman.

Why?

I don't know, I just have

really good instincts about women.

For starters, why would a woman hack the NHS?

Huh?

It's just not a very womanly thing to do.

The fact is, if you're a woman,

you are far less likely to be a terrorist.

Thank you. See?

Yeah, but we are not making the same point here.

I actually once got stopped and searched

whilst wearing a hijab.

Why were you wearing a hijab?

I jut got it from a charity shop.

I didn't actually know what it was.

Isn't that offensive?

Oh gosh, sorry.

Don't apologize to me, apologize to Joseph.

But why?

Isn't that your area?

I've never worn a hijab.

- Sorry. - That's all right.

Ah.

Male.

There you go, see?

I was right.

Great, so we know the person behind this is a man.

- Go and tell MI5. - Right!

I see what you did there.

Actually, no, there's a confidence intel on that.

Okay, so there's a 40% chance that it's a man.

So it's 60% chance it's a woman?

No, that can't be right.

Okay, great, so we're looking for a woman now.

Yeah, I think for absolutely safety,

let's tell MI5 we're looking for either a woman or a man.

Or why don't you stop wasting

mine and everyone else's time

and focus on something more tangible.

Shall we?

Look, Chris, if this is a drill...

It's not a drill!

Will you please stop saying that?

Why is this even happening?

I mean, don't these guys use, what, anti-virus software?

Joseph?

What?

Weren't you meant to be assisting them with that?

After the 2018 NHS systems merge?

Well, yeah, but they just

never responded to my memos, so I just...

I think part of the problem with the way you write

is that people don't believe it comes from a human.

Okay.

Surely you could've just installed

the security plug-ins remotely.

That would have been the next obvious step

if you knew that they were making themselves vulnerable.

I just couldn't think of any new passwords, though,

so mine always end up being the same one.

Jesus.

Mine always end up being DameNew69.

Well, don't be surprised if this gets

called into review in a few months' time.

I don't know what else to say, I...

Well, maybe just don't say anything.

Now can we please get on?

I'm meant to be briefing the health secretary before dawn.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, fucking hell, what now?

So HR have said that you all

need to stop what you're doing and eat for 15 minutes.

We don't have time for Chinese.

Staff welfare is one thing,

but so are the lives of countless individuals

up and down the country.

Chris, don't you have an appraisal soon?

I'll have the pork balls.

Can I just ask, is this on TCHQ?

Because Mummy won't let me carry any cash on me.

Evelyn?

I can't afford it.

No, go and check with HR.

Right, sure.

See you later, everybody.

Is she usually that perky?

Wouldn't you be too, if you'd been asleep all day?

Now, for the love of God, can we please get on?

Yeah, come on, let's do this, people!

I'll have the Chinese menu.

Oh, yeah, sure.

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

[SNORES]

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

Surely we've got to be getting close.

How long have we been going?

- 20 minutes. - What?

Hey, guys.

HR have said everyone can have

up to 10 pounds of the takeaway.

- I'll just take the cash. - How much?

Is there sharing?

I can't eat fish or seafood, sadly.

Otherwise my neck really swells up.

I'd love to see how big it can get one day.

Oh gosh, okay.

Can I just get some rice, please, Evelyn?

What kind?

Just cooked, thanks.

And can I have some water chestnuts?

Mm-hm.

And a big bag in case I'm sick.

Okay.

You know what, I think I'll just have the... Hello.

Right, Mary, I'm leaving you in charge.

Wha...?

Oh gosh, really, are you sure?

I'll only be gone an hour or so.

Just because last time

I was left fully in charge of the Guides,

it cost the parish over 40,000 pounds in damages.

That sounds like a great night.

I mean I know we're not technically going around the room,

but just so I said it, you know,

I'm more than happy to throw my hat in the ring

in a kind of lead-from-the-very-back kind of way.

No.

Look, Chris, I get you giving that responsibility

to the oldest person in the room,

but wouldn't it make more sense leaving me in charge?

What, so you and Joseph

can get back to your computer games?

No thanks.

No, wait, wait, wait, come on.

Do you really think I'm going to jeopardize

the lives of, how did you put it,

countless individuals up and down the country

just to prove to you that my way is quicker?

Chris, please, have a little faith

in my respect for your command.

Fine.

Jerry's in charge.

Everyone keep doing what you're doing.

Call me with any developments.

I'll be back before dawn.

Okay, drop this shit, let's go.

Oh my God.

Listen up.

My gut is telling me we're looking

for someone who used to work for the NHS.

Maybe a disgruntled former employee.

Check that against anyone

with a strong background in computer engineering.

- Yeah, yeah, on it. - Tuva, talk to me.

Why are you wearing a headset?

It helps me focus.

Now come on, people, let's do this.

We're on a clock here.

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

What does that say?

- Mary. - Yeah.

Will you just take a look at this?

Anything?

[MARY] No.

What's the NHS stand for?

National Health Service.

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

[SNORES]

You okay?

Mm.

Anything?

[JOSEPH] No, nothing useful.

[MUTTERS]

- Anything? - Oh, God.

No, not yet.

- Sorry, Jerry. - Goddammit.

So look, we narrowed it down to,

that's 400 people, basically.

What's the motive for the crime?

Motive for the crime?

Are you allowed to say that?

You are my number one.

Oh God, I can't wait to get out of these old clothes.

Me too.

Oh gosh, Quentin.

Didn't know you were still here.

I'm always here.

Some phrentic profiles for cross-referencing purposes.

Nice to see you again.

Night-night.

Night.

There's a spare bed in the basement.

In case you get sleepy.

No, no, that's okay.

Thank you.

[JOSEPH] Oh, golly gosh.

Did you manage to go to the toilet yet?

No, I got about as far as the second floor

and then I had to turn back.

It is so scary with it being dark.

Oh, I know.

I once saw the ghost of Alan Turing in the car park.

[JOSEPH] Really?

Was he looking for a space?

I've got something.

Okay, so one of the things I've started to realize

is that it's much easier doing this

when you have color photos.

Gosh, that's a very diverse bunch, isn't it?

Thank you.

I worry it's a bit too diverse.

Okay, so what I've done here

is assimilate all the data from the program

along with Tuva's trace matches

and combined that with an algorithm

that basically mimics my own gut instincts.

Anyway, taking all of that into account,

these are our top six suspects.

You know two of these are the same person?

Yeah, it was a test.

You passed.

Anyone have a preference as to which photo we use?

Maybe the one where he's smiling?

I know you shouldn't say it,

but I always think it must be

quite stressful being a terrorist.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh, God, isn't that thingie from the Doritos commercial?

- [ALL] Oh, yeah. - Isn't he?

- You know the one I mean? - So no?

We'd probably have to go through his agent anyway.

Who exactly are we looking at here, then?

Right. So...

My money is on Abdullah blah blah blah.

And he's a resident in the UK?

Yeah.

I guess as much as Joseph is resident in the UK.

I am resident in the UK.

So, sorry, did he work for the NHS as well, then?

Yes, he's a licensed chiropractor.

Which, as we all know, is not a real thing.

So immediately I was like, wah wah wah wah.

What about Jenny Taylor?

She worked for the NHS for 20 years,

was made redundant in 2017 after the cuts.

The following year she lost her husband

when he was accidentally prescribed

the wrong medication for eczema, oh gosh,

plus she has a PhD in computer science

and hasn't been seen for the last three weeks.

Well.

Yeah, I don't know.

I keep being drawn back to Abdullah for some reason.

Isn't that Farouk al Hakshah?

I don't know, depends what you just said.

That is Farouk.

But it won't be him.

He sadly blew his brains out in prison in 2014.

- Right. - Did he die?

Okay, so this is great.

We're slowly narrowing it down to Abdullah.

Who is Margaret?

I thought it could be her too, but she's been sectioned.

What, like cut up into pieces?

- No, committed? - Even better.

Bye-bye, Maggie.

So I guess I was right.

Abdullah's our guy.

But he doesn't have quite as strong a motive as Jenny.

Yeah, but look at him. Does he really need one?

Yeah, but motive's your thing, right?

I mean, that's what you've been saying,

it's all about motive.

Wait a minute.

Are you guys honestly telling me

that behind the face of this sweet, respectable white lady

is the monster we're looking for?

Jesus!

Oh my God.

When did she come in?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Please tell me this isn't what it looks like.

Why? What does it look like?

That you've undermined my authority,

putting your own ego ahead of GCHQ procedure to pursue

an agenda fueled by ignorance and racial prejudice?

Maybe you're the racist for assuming I'm racist

when Jenny here clearly has the requisite background,

education, and motive to hack the NHS.

Shame on you, Chris.

And you're welcome.

Follow me.

Chop chop.

Specifically said carry on doing exactly what you...

[JERRY] You want to do this now?

You want to do this now when we could be catching...

[CHRIS] Why not?

- [JERRY] Oh... - [CHRIS] For God's sake.

This is, this is crazy.

- Oh really? - You need to focus.

Oh, that's Yankee bullshit.

Oh, come on, Chris.

We're always gonna have a different approach.

We're like Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt.

Anyway, it worked, right?

We have a suspect now.

And what if you're wrong?

Yeah, I don't think that's physically possible.

- But either way, we're outta time. - Yes.

Because of you!

Listen, if this is because

we ended up honing in on a woman,

believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

But for right now all I need is for you to turn a blind eye

so I can hack into Jenny's home computer.

No.

That's not how we do things here.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - What?

Hi, update from Whitehall.

Both Chelsea Hospital and Royal Holloway

are unable to proceed with any surgery

and dozens admitted last night

are now in a critical state because they haven't

been able to access any medical records.

Also, I don't quite know how to say this,

but the food's gonna be another 30 minutes.

Leave!

Sorry.

Do what you have to do.

But this conversation never happened.

Right. Understood.

Why are you winking?

What do you mean?

No one's winking here.

Can you stop winking?

Okay, I'd appreciate, as a general rule,

if you didn't say out loud when I'm winking, okay?

- Let's try that again. - Absolutely not.

Fine.

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

How long before we know if Jenny's our guy?

- It depends. - On what?

On whether you're going to stop talking.

[MARY] You okay?

Do you still need the toilet?

Yeah, I tried pushing really hard,

- but now I just feel too guilty. - Why?

I don't know, just maybe if I had done my job properly

none of this would have happened.

No, no, you can't think like that.

That's like me feeling guilty about the war in Iraq.

You really think Christine would give you a job

that was important to national security?

That's true.

Oh, what a gorgeous doggie.

- [TUVA] I'm in. - Is it her?

Not sure.

I can't find, yes, it's her.

Yes! I knew it was her.

Anything?

It's her.

Let me see if I can disable the virus.

Come on, come on, you got this, Tuva.

What do you guys do to celebrate after a crisis?

Move on to the next crisis.

Because at the NSA we like

to set off a bunch of fireworks.

Although the CIA recently asked us to stop

because it was becoming too obvious whenever we got a lead.

We've got that lovely central

grassy area which would be perfect,

but HR said they've seen hedgehogs mating.

Let's put a pin in any

potential celebrations for now, don't you think?

Come on, focus.

Come on, Tuva.

- Come on, Tuva. - You can do this.

We're running out of time.

My poor bum.

Can you feel it vibrate?

Yes, I can.

[COMPUTER CHIMING]

Huh.

- Oh, God. - Well done.

- What did... - I'm off to the toilet.

- Is that it? - Wait, wait, no, no, no,

hey, hey, come back here.

Come here, come here.

I know you Brits don't touch, but come on.

Group hug, right now. Bring it in.

Tuva! Tuva! Tuva! Tuva!

Yes, woo!

Okay, now lift me up.

Guys, I'm...

[PERCUSSION MUSIC]

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm waiting.

What for?

Come on, come on.

You can say it. I did good, right?

It worked.

Yes.

Despite breaking a hundred different rules, you did good.

Well done.

Thank you.

Shame it was all a drill, really.

What?

You're kidding.

Sorry.

Couldn't say.

Obvious reasons.

Oh, fucking hell!

I said it was a drill, like, three times!

Oh, fucking bullshit!

God... Joseph!

- Yeah? - It was a drill!

- What? - Yeah! She lied!

Sorry, it was a drill?

Of course it wasn't.

Go back to sleep.

[JERRY] That was dirty, man!

I mean, come...

[BELL DINGING]

- You timing this? - Yeah.

[JERRY] Okay, give her the shrimp.

- Ready? - Yes.

[JERRY] What's the biggest your neck's ever got?

[JOSEPH] And what does the measurement say?

♪ Hurray, hurray, hurray ♪

♪ Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal ♪

♪ From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy and we don't much care ♪

♪ We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old Red Flag ♪

♪ But wait till we drop down dead ♪

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com