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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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There is no way that those
outlet mall mannequins
3
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will live in my house,
as God is my witness!
4
00:00:08,770 --> 00:00:12,109
- I already drew up your offer.
- You are at a serious fucking crossroads.
5
00:00:12,139 --> 00:00:14,894
Stop hiding behind this "hot mess Nina".
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You're in over your head, sport.
7
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- I want to make it work with them.
- But it doesn't, Iz.
8
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Do you hear me? On so many levels,
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it just does not work.
I'm not gonna sit back
10
00:00:23,918 --> 00:00:26,827
- and watch you guys destroy her again.
- We can't keep hurting her.
11
00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:28,254
Then you need to end it.
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00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:30,089
- We decided that...
- Of course you did.
13
00:00:30,124 --> 00:00:34,163
Jack and Emma deciding what's
best for the three of us again.
14
00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:36,682
We don't love you anymore.
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00:00:36,964 --> 00:00:39,565
[BROKEN FENCES' "WEAKEST STATE"]
16
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♪ Is it that you're running ♪
17
00:00:44,569 --> 00:00:48,605
♪ From all that brings you here ♪
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00:00:50,177 --> 00:00:55,056
♪ Lies that bring the sweetness ♪
19
00:00:55,085 --> 00:00:59,114
♪ Will falter and appear ♪
20
00:01:00,136 --> 00:01:05,441
♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪
21
00:01:05,459 --> 00:01:10,526
♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪
22
00:01:10,664 --> 00:01:15,864
♪ You are the fool that
blames your flame ♪
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00:01:15,870 --> 00:01:20,261
♪ But you carry on ♪
24
00:01:20,841 --> 00:01:23,848
♪ ♪
25
00:01:24,112 --> 00:01:28,830
♪ Deceive your own true love ♪
26
00:01:28,848 --> 00:01:33,388
♪ So you would be alone ♪
27
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:39,156
♪ All that you ever were ♪
28
00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:43,668
♪ Not forgotten but gone ♪
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♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪
30
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:54,907
♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪
31
00:01:54,942 --> 00:02:00,291
♪ You are the fool that
blames your flame ♪
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00:02:00,314 --> 00:02:04,131
♪ But you carry on ♪
33
00:02:04,384 --> 00:02:06,851
♪ ♪
34
00:02:06,886 --> 00:02:11,220
♪ Ooh ♪
35
00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:14,892
[CRYING]
36
00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:18,261
♪ ♪
37
00:02:31,424 --> 00:02:36,658
♪ You've lost your will to penetrate ♪
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00:02:36,716 --> 00:02:41,882
♪ You are, you are your weakest state ♪
39
00:02:41,916 --> 00:02:45,797
♪ You are the fool that
blames your flame ♪
40
00:02:45,837 --> 00:02:51,144
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- ♪ But you carry on ♪
41
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♪ ♪
42
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Hi. I was hoping you'd call.
43
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[SPEAKING SPANISH]
44
00:03:03,009 --> 00:03:05,023
What? That's awesome.
45
00:03:05,277 --> 00:03:07,233
You've never played baseball before?
46
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,045
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
47
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,047
No, I'm not crying. I just...
48
00:03:11,082 --> 00:03:12,932
I just miss you, that's all.
49
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:18,024
But the good news is I'm
gonna see you on Monday.
50
00:03:18,896 --> 00:03:24,435
♪ Feel the difference
now that you're old ♪
51
00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:29,538
♪ A running race to the end ♪
52
00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:35,572
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
53
00:03:35,807 --> 00:03:38,258
♪ ♪
54
00:03:38,424 --> 00:03:40,072
How do you guys feel
about pickles and cheese?
55
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:41,352
[GIGGLES]
56
00:03:41,564 --> 00:03:43,688
♪ ♪
57
00:03:44,073 --> 00:03:45,315
- Oh.
- Ooh!
58
00:03:45,316 --> 00:03:47,097
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
59
00:03:47,351 --> 00:03:49,548
Guess the sidewalk's not
big enough for both of us.
60
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,774
- [LAUGHS] Lala.
- Sophie.
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00:03:52,957 --> 00:03:57,025
I heard a rumor you're interested
in moving into my neighborhood.
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- HOA president.
- Oh, how about that?
63
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:02,380
I was the youngest HOA president
in Silver Springs history.
64
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,365
Oh, are they calling Silver
Springs a neighborhood now?
65
00:04:04,388 --> 00:04:06,833
- Hm, thanks to me.
They begged me to stay.
66
00:04:06,845 --> 00:04:08,412
Oh, it's interesting you left.
67
00:04:08,446 --> 00:04:11,195
Yeah, people around here mostly
want someone they can count on.
68
00:04:11,206 --> 00:04:12,619
Right, well, my husband died,
69
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,151
and I couldn't afford
the mortgage anymore,
70
00:04:14,174 --> 00:04:16,470
so they somehow found it in
their hearts to forgive me.
71
00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:18,614
- I...
- I don't want your pity.
72
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:22,250
I was going to say I
got 94.5% of the vote.
73
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:25,252
I'm really sorry to
hear about your husband.
74
00:04:25,523 --> 00:04:27,755
My ex dies at least three times a week.
75
00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:29,093
Helps me sleep at night.
76
00:04:29,127 --> 00:04:30,998
Imagining his horrible demise?
77
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,927
Yeah, totally. It's very soothing.
78
00:04:35,099 --> 00:04:36,565
You looking for a veep?
79
00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:38,729
Maybe.
80
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,231
Be fun to watch these
four grow up together.
81
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,506
- Well...
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
82
00:04:44,541 --> 00:04:46,062
Are you okay? What?
83
00:04:46,076 --> 00:04:48,977
I am definitely not
saying that Dave and Carmen
84
00:04:49,015 --> 00:04:50,743
just bought their dream
house, so, you know,
85
00:04:50,766 --> 00:04:52,184
don't be thinking that.
86
00:04:52,282 --> 00:04:55,490
Anywho, I have to pee super bad, so, um,
87
00:04:55,548 --> 00:04:57,493
may we pass, Madame President?
88
00:04:57,521 --> 00:04:58,767
- Sure.
- Thanks.
89
00:04:58,789 --> 00:05:00,477
Okay, come on, honey. Let's go.
90
00:05:00,512 --> 00:05:02,055
Auntie has to pee.
91
00:05:02,112 --> 00:05:03,659
- Bye.
- Bye.
92
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,597
A little faster. Ooh, there we go.
93
00:05:05,637 --> 00:05:07,395
Yeah. Ooh, okay.
94
00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:09,012
[LAUGHING]
95
00:05:09,633 --> 00:05:12,533
[ROCK MUSIC]
96
00:05:12,568 --> 00:05:15,911
♪ ♪
97
00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:18,052
[SNIFFLING]
98
00:05:18,115 --> 00:05:22,340
♪ I can't collect my thoughts ♪
99
00:05:22,587 --> 00:05:24,091
[GRUNTS]
100
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:30,731
♪ And you can't collect my thoughts ♪
101
00:05:30,753 --> 00:05:33,453
♪ ♪
102
00:05:33,547 --> 00:05:39,753
♪ I don't know which ones I lost ♪
103
00:05:40,126 --> 00:05:43,161
♪ Which ones I've got ♪
104
00:05:44,381 --> 00:05:46,748
Oh, hey, handsome barkeep.
105
00:05:47,236 --> 00:05:49,469
Maybe you can help. [SPITS]
106
00:05:49,718 --> 00:05:52,021
So here's my sitch.
107
00:05:52,889 --> 00:05:56,643
Right in the middle of
this deeply upsetting
108
00:05:56,727 --> 00:05:59,353
suburban engagement ceremony...
109
00:05:59,518 --> 00:06:01,448
I don't know what it was.
I wasn't paying attention.
110
00:06:01,483 --> 00:06:03,399
My girlfriend blurts out
111
00:06:04,282 --> 00:06:06,442
that she hates working with me,
112
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,440
and then she starts pumping
the breaks on our relationship
113
00:06:09,458 --> 00:06:11,625
just when we're, like,
a quarter mile from
114
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,761
Cohabitationville, Oregon,
115
00:06:14,796 --> 00:06:17,125
which is just off the
interstate. You can't miss it.
116
00:06:17,601 --> 00:06:19,289
I'd feel guilty,
117
00:06:19,684 --> 00:06:21,235
letting you go on like that.
118
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,916
- Oh, hey, Ben.
- Shaun.
119
00:06:22,938 --> 00:06:24,678
- [GRUNTS]
- How'd you get in here?
120
00:06:25,274 --> 00:06:27,640
Oh, that seems like an
awesome idea for an alcoholic.
121
00:06:27,898 --> 00:06:30,957
Well, yeah, I... I actually came
in to get a little bit of your, uh,
122
00:06:30,975 --> 00:06:32,869
you know, bartender therapy,
123
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,360
but, uh, seems like you're pretty
wrapped up in your own shit.
124
00:06:35,406 --> 00:06:38,253
You seriously were searching
for bartender wisdom from me?
125
00:06:38,276 --> 00:06:40,061
Well, I was, but...
126
00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:41,611
Aww.
127
00:06:43,324 --> 00:06:45,370
She's going through something, Shaun,
128
00:06:46,174 --> 00:06:48,849
but you keep responding
to what she says and does
129
00:06:48,864 --> 00:06:50,554
instead of what's beneath that.
130
00:06:51,742 --> 00:06:56,351
- I just... I just want a life partner.
- Mm.
131
00:06:56,405 --> 00:06:59,124
Not some human mountain that
doesn't wanna be climbed.
132
00:06:59,540 --> 00:07:01,750
Even though you may
not see it at the moment
133
00:07:01,779 --> 00:07:04,110
because of all the snow whipping around,
134
00:07:04,146 --> 00:07:07,103
the summit is, like... it's right there.
135
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:09,184
♪ ♪
136
00:07:09,248 --> 00:07:10,723
I feel like you...
137
00:07:11,211 --> 00:07:13,380
you kind of killed
that metaphor of mine,
138
00:07:13,403 --> 00:07:14,982
you know? I presented it,
I was very proud of it,
139
00:07:14,990 --> 00:07:16,469
and then you just made it your own.
140
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,179
You buried it, dug it
up, threw it in my face,
141
00:07:18,192 --> 00:07:20,033
and you're just sitting there all smug.
142
00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:21,806
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
143
00:07:21,927 --> 00:07:24,492
- I missed you, pal.
- Yeah, I missed you, too.
144
00:07:25,514 --> 00:07:27,707
Do you really think that she's capable?
145
00:07:27,741 --> 00:07:29,010
Y... well, yeah.
146
00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:31,340
I... I think she's ready to slide Izzy
147
00:07:31,341 --> 00:07:33,889
into a more conventional bestie role
148
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:36,747
so that you can be her one and only,
149
00:07:36,911 --> 00:07:38,401
if you will,
150
00:07:38,654 --> 00:07:41,500
and that is some
monumental shit for people
151
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,240
who have friendships like theirs.
152
00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:47,034
She got destroyed, and
that sticks with you
153
00:07:47,254 --> 00:07:50,437
until you wash it away
with something better.
154
00:07:50,558 --> 00:07:52,391
[GENTLE MUSIC]
155
00:07:52,427 --> 00:07:55,409
And even though you can't see
it at this precise instant,
156
00:07:55,430 --> 00:07:59,323
that, my friend, is you guys.
157
00:08:00,391 --> 00:08:02,159
That's you and Nina.
158
00:08:02,268 --> 00:08:04,736
♪ ♪
159
00:08:04,904 --> 00:08:08,203
I... I can't keep living
in service to her damage.
160
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:11,722
No, no, you'd hate her for it.
161
00:08:11,878 --> 00:08:14,932
- [GROANS] It's just so complicated.
- [CHUCKLES]
162
00:08:15,541 --> 00:08:17,938
Well, you could always find
yourself a simpler woman.
163
00:08:17,951 --> 00:08:20,269
[CHUCKLES]
164
00:08:21,988 --> 00:08:24,445
- So, how you doing?
- Oh, what?
165
00:08:24,457 --> 00:08:27,036
Because I'm getting
married this weekend?
166
00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:28,189
- Oh, you doing that?
- Yeah.
167
00:08:28,195 --> 00:08:29,757
Oh, good for you.
168
00:08:32,426 --> 00:08:36,697
I feel like the luckiest
mammal on the planet.
169
00:08:37,488 --> 00:08:40,031
It's like, who decided this?
170
00:08:40,054 --> 00:08:42,806
Who decided I deserve this?
171
00:08:42,842 --> 00:08:45,209
♪ ♪
172
00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:47,144
- God damn.
- Yeah.
173
00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:49,145
♪ Hey ♪
174
00:08:49,181 --> 00:08:51,081
[ROCK MUSIC]
175
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,916
♪ Hey ♪
176
00:08:52,951 --> 00:08:56,211
♪ ♪
177
00:08:57,072 --> 00:08:58,891
[KNOCKING]
178
00:09:01,554 --> 00:09:02,937
Fucking eh.
179
00:09:03,046 --> 00:09:06,765
I don't care if she's paying you
in stuffed sloths. I get half.
180
00:09:10,035 --> 00:09:11,734
What's happening here?
181
00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:13,937
Are you having a séance without me?
182
00:09:14,678 --> 00:09:17,021
What's going on? Your
birthday's not till next month.
183
00:09:18,676 --> 00:09:20,212
Are you okay?
184
00:09:23,928 --> 00:09:25,246
Um...
185
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,745
I don't wanna be 29 again.
186
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,932
- It was fun.
- I'm ready to be 30 now.
187
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,580
- [CHUCKLES]
- And I didn't wanna do it without you.
188
00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,632
- Why now?
- Well, as you know,
189
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:43,130
I took a 23-month gap year after
high school to go completely insane.
190
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,996
Um...
191
00:09:45,369 --> 00:09:48,317
I was frozen in time,
emotionally speaking,
192
00:09:48,346 --> 00:09:50,218
so I adjusted accordingly.
193
00:09:50,232 --> 00:09:54,487
Um, but it's time to be a big girl now.
194
00:09:54,545 --> 00:09:56,546
[GENTLE MUSIC]
195
00:09:56,581 --> 00:09:58,013
Is this about Shaun?
196
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,155
Some.
197
00:10:00,578 --> 00:10:01,934
♪ ♪
198
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,486
Fuck, I'm gonna have to tell
him I'm balls-out crazy for him.
199
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,555
[BOTH LAUGHING]
200
00:10:06,590 --> 00:10:07,954
[SNIFFLES]
201
00:10:08,327 --> 00:10:10,158
♪ ♪
202
00:10:10,531 --> 00:10:12,162
Say something.
203
00:10:13,224 --> 00:10:15,009
You're gonna have to get your balls out.
204
00:10:15,038 --> 00:10:16,665
[LAUGHS]
205
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:21,336
And as much as I'd like to
keep you all to myself...
206
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,904
♪ ♪
207
00:10:23,143 --> 00:10:24,824
He's your forever guy.
208
00:10:25,054 --> 00:10:28,149
♪ ♪
209
00:10:31,615 --> 00:10:33,120
Um...
210
00:10:33,562 --> 00:10:36,685
- What?
- Part of being a big girl's telling the truth, right?
211
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,211
What did you do?
212
00:10:38,588 --> 00:10:40,467
♪ ♪
213
00:10:40,869 --> 00:10:43,170
I made Jack and Emma break up with you.
214
00:10:44,294 --> 00:10:45,424
Oh, God damn it, Iz,
215
00:10:45,425 --> 00:10:48,634
after one night of
mediocre breakup cuddling,
216
00:10:48,669 --> 00:10:51,792
you were talking about putting
your life on hold for them again.
217
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:54,566
If you want a best
friend who just sits back
218
00:10:54,579 --> 00:10:57,215
and watches you drive your entire
life into a sea of burning shit,
219
00:10:57,229 --> 00:10:59,108
then find someone else, okay?
220
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,547
♪ ♪
221
00:11:01,988 --> 00:11:03,682
I'm fucking terrified right now.
222
00:11:03,946 --> 00:11:06,961
♪ ♪
223
00:11:13,652 --> 00:11:15,338
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
224
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,252
You did the right thing.
225
00:11:17,592 --> 00:11:21,261
♪ ♪
226
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,319
It has to be over, so...
227
00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:26,133
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
228
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,567
You did the right thing.
229
00:11:27,602 --> 00:11:30,776
♪ ♪
230
00:11:34,229 --> 00:11:35,364
Make a wish.
231
00:11:35,726 --> 00:11:38,169
♪ ♪
232
00:11:45,751 --> 00:11:47,554
- [BLOWING SHARPLY]
- Whoa!
233
00:11:47,643 --> 00:11:50,531
- [LAUGHS]
- [COUGHING]
234
00:11:50,558 --> 00:11:52,731
- So many candles.
- Yeah.
235
00:11:52,772 --> 00:11:54,847
Good for you, old girl. Okay.
236
00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:58,414
How about we go get you
some sassy highlights
237
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:01,288
and some linen trousers
for your big day, huh?
238
00:12:01,325 --> 00:12:03,271
- Mm.
- See?
239
00:12:03,303 --> 00:12:06,935
I... I dissed you and now
we're supposed to engage
240
00:12:06,949 --> 00:12:09,364
in some form of combat and, you know,
241
00:12:09,377 --> 00:12:11,159
till we forget our problems and...
242
00:12:11,370 --> 00:12:12,771
and go on as we were.
243
00:12:12,781 --> 00:12:15,677
- Mm, I'm not feeling it.
- Yeah, me, either.
244
00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:21,220
What is this abomination?
245
00:12:22,122 --> 00:12:24,999
[SNORTS] It's called Chicago Style.
246
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:29,656
I find it offensive and
disappointing, but...
247
00:12:32,332 --> 00:12:35,355
- What, you wanna eat it?
- I'm considering it, yes.
248
00:12:36,303 --> 00:12:38,304
You're relinquishing your
passionate commitment to things
249
00:12:38,327 --> 00:12:39,383
that don't really matter...
250
00:12:39,397 --> 00:12:42,675
one of the more annoying
staples of extended adolescence.
251
00:12:42,684 --> 00:12:43,805
I think I am.
252
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:45,150
Shit.
253
00:12:46,313 --> 00:12:47,895
- What's happened to us?
- I don't know.
254
00:12:47,914 --> 00:12:49,365
- We're old.
- I know.
255
00:12:49,382 --> 00:12:51,683
- So old.
- Man, 30.
256
00:12:51,719 --> 00:12:53,517
- Dig my grave.
- [LAUGHS]
257
00:12:53,552 --> 00:12:55,367
- I mean it.
- No.
258
00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:58,322
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
259
00:12:58,357 --> 00:13:01,191
♪ ♪
260
00:13:01,397 --> 00:13:03,817
[BABY COOING]
261
00:13:11,532 --> 00:13:13,203
[KNOCKING]
262
00:13:13,427 --> 00:13:14,722
Come in.
263
00:13:18,947 --> 00:13:21,487
- I've never had a best girlfriend.
- Wow.
264
00:13:21,850 --> 00:13:24,824
- Okay, we're jumping right to that.
- Don't embarrass me.
265
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,515
Uh, me... me neither.
266
00:13:28,881 --> 00:13:33,289
I've never had a best
girlfriend, either.
267
00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:37,094
[LAUGHS] Okay.
268
00:13:37,129 --> 00:13:38,629
[BOTH CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]
269
00:13:40,366 --> 00:13:43,678
Wow, so the Amaris are
busting up the plan?
270
00:13:43,931 --> 00:13:45,492
They are, yeah.
271
00:13:45,537 --> 00:13:48,895
You and me, we each had a plan, huh?
272
00:13:49,241 --> 00:13:51,375
[GENTLE MUSIC]
273
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:53,281
You're gonna be okay,
274
00:13:54,245 --> 00:13:58,281
and maybe in some small way,
I can help you with that.
275
00:13:58,316 --> 00:13:59,748
♪ ♪
276
00:13:59,933 --> 00:14:01,284
Okay.
277
00:14:01,409 --> 00:14:03,757
See you around, friend.
278
00:14:04,072 --> 00:14:05,721
♪ ♪
279
00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:07,591
- Bye.
- Bye.
280
00:14:07,769 --> 00:14:09,663
♪ ♪
281
00:14:09,727 --> 00:14:11,759
♪ I've been rolling this
dice when the shit go down ♪
282
00:14:11,764 --> 00:14:13,274
♪ I'm the only one to
fall on the knife ♪
283
00:14:13,298 --> 00:14:15,048
♪ Nobody ever answer when
I call in the night ♪
284
00:14:15,066 --> 00:14:16,861
♪ All my friends like shift work right ♪
285
00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:18,916
♪ But everybody always
seems off for the night ♪
286
00:14:18,922 --> 00:14:20,770
♪ And it's bad yeah
it's getting real bad ♪
287
00:14:20,805 --> 00:14:22,773
♪ But I'm getting real
close and as long ♪
288
00:14:22,796 --> 00:14:24,209
♪ As these drinks keep on showing up ♪
289
00:14:24,232 --> 00:14:26,172
♪ Who am I to not partake in the toast ♪
290
00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:28,382
♪ So raise your glass
here's to the last time ♪
291
00:14:28,412 --> 00:14:29,989
♪ That I ever say the last time ♪
292
00:14:30,006 --> 00:14:31,602
- [GROANS]
- Why'd you do that?
293
00:14:31,619 --> 00:14:34,552
- It was giving me a headache.
- Oh, I forgot. You're super old.
294
00:14:35,852 --> 00:14:39,231
[YAWNS] You wanna get high?
295
00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:42,060
I'll probably just fall
asleep. You made me yawn.
296
00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:43,771
Oh, man.
297
00:14:43,828 --> 00:14:45,126
[GROANS]
298
00:14:45,161 --> 00:14:46,836
Maybe we can still work up a tussle.
299
00:14:46,859 --> 00:14:48,392
Hmm? Insult me.
300
00:14:48,438 --> 00:14:49,797
[INHALES]
301
00:14:49,833 --> 00:14:51,974
Okay, um...
302
00:14:54,379 --> 00:14:58,701
You look like Penélope
Cruz got left in a dryer?
303
00:14:59,103 --> 00:15:02,231
Mm, that's a compliment,
and I'm gonna take it.
304
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:03,965
[CHUCKLES]
305
00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:09,217
- Shaun's it for me.
- Uh, yeah, I know.
306
00:15:10,386 --> 00:15:14,022
And yes, you're gonna have to
tell him in no uncertain terms.
307
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,248
What are you so afraid of?
308
00:15:18,728 --> 00:15:22,350
I think I'm just slightly concerned that
309
00:15:22,365 --> 00:15:25,106
if I open my rib cage one more inch,
310
00:15:25,135 --> 00:15:26,581
he's gonna rip my heart right out.
311
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:29,732
And what? Cohabitation
is that last inch?
312
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,941
[GULPS]
313
00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:39,446
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
314
00:15:39,482 --> 00:15:41,014
What?
315
00:15:41,049 --> 00:15:43,016
♪ ♪
316
00:15:43,051 --> 00:15:44,731
[GRUNTS]
317
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:49,290
♪ ♪
318
00:15:49,461 --> 00:15:51,137
How did they take it?
319
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,973
Jack and Emma when you forced
them to "Old Yeller" me?
320
00:15:54,059 --> 00:15:56,963
Well, I went at them pretty hard.
321
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,655
Well, do you know any other way?
322
00:15:59,769 --> 00:16:02,904
♪ ♪
323
00:16:03,539 --> 00:16:06,474
Bottom line, they did right by you.
324
00:16:06,893 --> 00:16:08,189
If they loved me,
325
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:10,261
nothing you said would have mattered.
326
00:16:11,113 --> 00:16:12,679
- [DOOR OPENING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
327
00:16:12,714 --> 00:16:14,981
♪ ♪
328
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,587
What the hell's all this?
329
00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:18,240
- Is it Izzy's birthday?
- Yeah.
330
00:16:18,286 --> 00:16:20,008
- Oh, it is?
- Happy birthday.
331
00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:23,297
[KISSES]
332
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,359
- Hi, Shaun.
- Hi.
333
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:28,195
Spoiler alert.
334
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:31,764
Nina here is actually
a thousand years old.
335
00:16:31,833 --> 00:16:33,871
- Oh, you little shit.
- Discuss.
336
00:16:33,923 --> 00:16:36,425
[LAUGHS] Honey, you're home.
337
00:16:36,438 --> 00:16:37,786
How about I fetch you a highball,
338
00:16:37,806 --> 00:16:41,236
let's, uh, watch some
"Jeopardy!," and do the sex?
339
00:16:41,425 --> 00:16:44,061
Ooh. Well, why... why don't
we put a pin in that...
340
00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:46,650
Yeah, okay. That's a
good idea. [CLEARS THROAT]
341
00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:49,729
So I can tell you this.
342
00:16:49,818 --> 00:16:51,784
♪ ♪
343
00:16:51,870 --> 00:16:53,796
I've decided I'm gonna stand by you
344
00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:56,121
through this whole
wedding thing because...
345
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:58,107
regardless of your bullshit denials...
346
00:16:58,125 --> 00:17:00,735
I know that this is
strangely important to you,
347
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,594
but by the time that we get back here,
348
00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:06,412
we're gonna have decided whether or not
349
00:17:06,434 --> 00:17:10,287
we're in this whole life thing together.
350
00:17:10,516 --> 00:17:14,073
♪ ♪
351
00:17:14,225 --> 00:17:16,595
- Deal?
- Deal.
352
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:22,634
♪ ♪
353
00:17:29,108 --> 00:17:31,289
[KNOCKING]
354
00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:33,372
Hey.
355
00:17:33,418 --> 00:17:34,728
- Hey.
- Hey.
356
00:17:34,756 --> 00:17:36,703
Oh, oh, you two look like shit.
357
00:17:36,749 --> 00:17:39,050
Did you have twins or octuplets?
358
00:17:40,462 --> 00:17:43,336
- We broke up with Izzy.
- Yeah, but for real this time.
359
00:17:43,361 --> 00:17:46,271
Like, in a way we can't take back.
360
00:17:46,662 --> 00:17:48,326
Oh, I'm sorry.
361
00:17:48,875 --> 00:17:51,475
Besides telling us we look like shit...
362
00:17:51,511 --> 00:17:53,615
Right, right. Uh...
363
00:17:56,616 --> 00:17:58,817
These are great, right? For the babies?
364
00:17:58,853 --> 00:18:00,383
'Cause they're so
tactile, which is nice,
365
00:18:00,393 --> 00:18:01,519
- and you get the...
- [VELCRO RIPPING]
366
00:18:01,554 --> 00:18:04,456
- That's great. That's fun.
- Dave?
367
00:18:08,564 --> 00:18:09,803
We're moving.
368
00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:13,150
I'm sorry. This... this feels
like a pile on here, but I...
369
00:18:13,166 --> 00:18:14,290
we're not going to the wedding, either.
370
00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:17,040
You know, 'cause between the
dream house and the movie deal,
371
00:18:17,223 --> 00:18:19,644
I wanna be with Carm
and the girls together,
372
00:18:19,654 --> 00:18:21,912
all of us, you know? 'Cause
when I look back on this and
373
00:18:21,922 --> 00:18:23,946
remember it fondly, that's
what I'd like to remember.
374
00:18:23,957 --> 00:18:25,175
- Holy shit.
- Wow.
375
00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:26,753
Book deal, movie deal, dream house.
376
00:18:26,755 --> 00:18:28,320
- [CHUCKLES]
- What's next? You gonna tell us
377
00:18:28,321 --> 00:18:29,523
you guys can fly or something?
378
00:18:29,548 --> 00:18:31,607
You know, we're just
having a little moment here,
379
00:18:31,623 --> 00:18:32,832
although we do not have paparazzi,
380
00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:34,707
because we are children's
authors in Portland,
381
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,750
and that makes no
sense whatsoever, so...
382
00:18:36,778 --> 00:18:38,313
God, I love that you
thought it did, though.
383
00:18:38,321 --> 00:18:39,472
Well, just for a second I thought maybe
384
00:18:39,492 --> 00:18:42,993
- there was, like, a "TMZ" kids divi...
- Wait, wait, rewind. Back to the house.
385
00:18:43,028 --> 00:18:44,612
From the tours?
386
00:18:45,203 --> 00:18:47,314
Oh, my God. Congratulations.
387
00:18:47,346 --> 00:18:48,665
- Thank you.
- Aww.
388
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:52,604
Yeah, and, uh, we got
you a little something,
389
00:18:52,654 --> 00:18:54,084
Carm and I. A little gift.
390
00:18:54,287 --> 00:18:56,820
We enrolled your girls
at Roosevelt Academy.
391
00:18:57,593 --> 00:18:59,977
It's the best school
in... in all of Portland.
392
00:19:00,012 --> 00:19:03,045
Their acceptance rates for high
school and college are undeniable.
393
00:19:03,082 --> 00:19:05,352
You know, I figure if we're not
gonna live in the same neighborhood,
394
00:19:05,371 --> 00:19:07,514
it doesn't mean that our girls
can't go to school together.
395
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:09,924
- Four years later.
- No.
396
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,435
Thank you. No, thank you.
397
00:19:15,227 --> 00:19:17,060
I don't understand. You...
398
00:19:19,104 --> 00:19:21,036
You would do the same thing
if you were in our position.
399
00:19:21,062 --> 00:19:23,088
- But we'll never know.
- Well, what are you, mad at me?
400
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,524
- No.
- What, for this?
401
00:19:24,561 --> 00:19:25,993
Or for moving?
402
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:28,875
Because I broke the
agreement, right, the plan?
403
00:19:28,896 --> 00:19:30,548
We just wondered, was there
an addendum to the plan,
404
00:19:30,559 --> 00:19:32,019
was there small print
that I missed that said,
405
00:19:32,039 --> 00:19:33,900
- "If we find something better... "
- "I'm happy for you." That'd be nice...
406
00:19:33,925 --> 00:19:34,963
- You could say that.
- Guys.
407
00:19:35,004 --> 00:19:36,813
- He started it.
- I'll do it. I'll take it.
408
00:19:36,814 --> 00:19:38,657
[BABY CRYING DISTANTLY]
409
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,221
Oh, we're all very
happy for you. Thanks.
410
00:19:41,486 --> 00:19:43,525
Congratulations on the house.
411
00:19:47,158 --> 00:19:49,054
- He's really tired.
- Um...
412
00:19:49,079 --> 00:19:53,848
- He hasn't slept much.
- Can I blame all of this on Carmen's absence?
413
00:19:54,702 --> 00:19:55,846
You know, 'cause she's, like...
414
00:19:55,877 --> 00:19:57,194
you know, like, in bowling alleys,
415
00:19:57,214 --> 00:19:59,030
gutter guards if you're bad at bowling?
416
00:19:59,069 --> 00:20:01,045
She's like that but in human form,
417
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:02,637
- you know?
- I know.
418
00:20:03,606 --> 00:20:06,274
[GENTLE MUSIC]
419
00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:09,053
Oh, God, is this what it feels
like when friends break up?
420
00:20:09,064 --> 00:20:10,849
We're not breaking up.
421
00:20:11,735 --> 00:20:12,930
What if we just did?
422
00:20:12,965 --> 00:20:14,161
You know, what if this was the moment
423
00:20:14,176 --> 00:20:16,051
and we don't realize
it until years later
424
00:20:16,191 --> 00:20:18,403
after we stop returning
each other's calls
425
00:20:18,422 --> 00:20:21,725
and forget to invite each other
to parties and miss birthdays?
426
00:20:21,758 --> 00:20:24,557
- Okay, that is scary shit. Stop it.
- All right, I'm sorry.
427
00:20:24,618 --> 00:20:26,094
♪ ♪
428
00:20:26,129 --> 00:20:28,896
We're best friends. It'll work, okay?
429
00:20:29,124 --> 00:20:31,804
- Okay.
- It'll work, I promise.
430
00:20:32,168 --> 00:20:34,586
Yeah, but it'll... it'll work
if we make it work, right?
431
00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:35,913
We can't just
432
00:20:36,315 --> 00:20:38,055
leave it up to the universe.
433
00:20:38,522 --> 00:20:43,310
♪ ♪
434
00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:46,320
Sorry about that. I
feel like such a caveman.
435
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,471
Some things we never really
evolve our way out of.
436
00:20:48,484 --> 00:20:50,093
Okay, when I was wrapping
things up with Dave,
437
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:53,628
- I had a big-ass fucking epiphany.
- Okay.
438
00:20:53,678 --> 00:20:56,760
EJI can work but only if
we commit to making it work.
439
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:59,176
I mean, we can't just
leave it up to the universe,
440
00:20:59,528 --> 00:21:01,632
and I think that means
441
00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,737
letting go of part of the plan.
442
00:21:03,890 --> 00:21:05,136
Like which part?
443
00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:07,247
Like to start with
the two-kids-only part?
444
00:21:07,379 --> 00:21:09,102
She does want her own babies.
445
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:10,542
- Yeah.
- We knew that.
446
00:21:11,701 --> 00:21:13,372
You're okay with having another?
447
00:21:13,408 --> 00:21:16,852
I'd be okay with 20 rug rats
if it brought her back to us.
448
00:21:17,107 --> 00:21:18,907
Well, last time we broke up with her,
449
00:21:18,917 --> 00:21:20,463
we raced to the airport.
450
00:21:20,682 --> 00:21:22,131
That's gonna be tough to beat.
451
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:23,541
Any ideas?
452
00:21:23,819 --> 00:21:26,267
Have you noticed how
many times she's told us
453
00:21:26,277 --> 00:21:28,886
she's leaving immediately
after the wedding?
454
00:21:28,947 --> 00:21:31,536
The wedding to which
we're no longer invited.
455
00:21:33,479 --> 00:21:34,995
Wait a second.
456
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:37,833
- We're gonna crash the wedding.
- Yeah, we are.
457
00:21:37,854 --> 00:21:40,498
- We're gonna crash the motherfucking wedding.
- We're gonna crash the wedding.
458
00:21:40,535 --> 00:21:41,683
- Ow!
- Sorry.
459
00:21:41,688 --> 00:21:44,282
- Jack!
- I'm just an aggressive high-fiver.
460
00:21:45,065 --> 00:21:46,538
[KNOCKING]
461
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:50,955
Hey.
462
00:21:51,098 --> 00:21:52,461
Oh, my God.
463
00:21:52,496 --> 00:21:53,676
Sophie, are you sure?
464
00:21:53,692 --> 00:21:55,817
I mean, I had no idea you
were invited to the wedding.
465
00:21:55,837 --> 00:21:58,922
Yeah, if you still want to go,
we could just let true love die
466
00:21:58,958 --> 00:22:01,710
and live under a cloud
of perpetual heartbreak.
467
00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:03,488
Was that too manipulative?
468
00:22:03,524 --> 00:22:06,145
- Oh, no. This is perfect.
- How's that?
469
00:22:06,389 --> 00:22:08,419
Well, if I'm gonna be
part of the neighborhood,
470
00:22:08,516 --> 00:22:10,225
gotta do my part, right?
471
00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,224
Aww.
472
00:22:12,599 --> 00:22:15,066
[COUNTRY MUSIC]
473
00:22:15,101 --> 00:22:18,203
♪ ♪
474
00:22:18,238 --> 00:22:20,255
- Who's at Lala's door?
- Uh...
475
00:22:20,307 --> 00:22:21,573
[KNOCKING] Um...
476
00:22:21,608 --> 00:22:23,636
She's got a suitcase.
477
00:22:24,455 --> 00:22:25,877
Hmm.
478
00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:28,446
♪ ♪
479
00:22:28,549 --> 00:22:30,217
Wonder who that is.
480
00:22:30,317 --> 00:22:34,082
♪ ♪
481
00:22:39,987 --> 00:22:42,952
- [GROANS] Shouldn't you be carrying this?
- No.
482
00:22:43,425 --> 00:22:45,897
[BOTTLES CLINKING]
483
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:49,701
♪ ♪
484
00:22:50,037 --> 00:22:52,103
- [DOOR CLOSING]
- No fucking way.
485
00:22:52,138 --> 00:22:54,635
Okay, I know that we are
the last people on the planet
486
00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:56,252
you want to see right now,
but if you can just give us,
487
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:58,913
like, two seconds of your
time, we will explain.
488
00:22:58,943 --> 00:23:01,059
Oh, and we have something to show you.
489
00:23:01,081 --> 00:23:02,666
Wait for it. Here it comes.
490
00:23:02,691 --> 00:23:04,426
Be prepared to be super duper happy.
491
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,151
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
492
00:23:07,604 --> 00:23:09,262
Yep, you're here. Okay.
493
00:23:09,353 --> 00:23:10,588
Hey!
494
00:23:10,813 --> 00:23:12,333
Hey, hey!
495
00:23:12,786 --> 00:23:13,839
Yeah, it's me!
496
00:23:13,890 --> 00:23:15,658
- Mom?
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
497
00:23:15,935 --> 00:23:19,027
- She's not super duper happy.
- Fuck!
498
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:21,087
♪ Keep on teasing like a little girl ♪
499
00:23:21,106 --> 00:23:23,770
♪ I know you don't like ♪
500
00:23:24,202 --> 00:23:26,770
♪ She is living like a little one ♪
501
00:23:26,956 --> 00:23:29,550
♪ You know I don't mind ♪
502
00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:34,643
♪ 'Cause at night
she's so sick of eyes ♪
503
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:40,015
♪ And I am wasting all my time ♪
504
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:43,286
♪ Never feeling no far away ♪
505
00:23:43,575 --> 00:23:46,656
♪ Got a feeling it again, again ♪
506
00:23:46,741 --> 00:23:50,626
♪ But I am wasting all my time ♪
507
00:23:54,698 --> 00:23:56,298
[INTENSE TONES]
508
00:23:56,333 --> 00:23:59,201
[WHOOSHING]
509
00:23:59,323 --> 00:24:04,323
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
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