All language subtitles for Tacoma.FD.S02E10.WEB.x264-PHOENiX_Subtitles01.ENG

[lively upbeat music]

♪

- Bueno, bueno, Terry!

You are ready.

You are ready, Terry!

You're ready.

[Foreigner's "Hot Blooded"]

♪

- ♪ Well, I'm hot blooded

♪ Check it and see

♪ I got a fever of a 103

♪ I'm hot blooded

[upbeat rock riff]

- 198, 199, 200.

- Ooh.
- Whoo!

- 200 kegels each hour
and your pelvic floor

will be strong as a bull.

- And that's a good thing?
- Oh, yeah.

If you like a strong sphincter,
bladder, uterus,

and/or prostate.

- I love all those things.

- It makes me dizzy.

- Keep doing that
for the next few days

and by the night
of the Firefighters' Ball,

you'll be able to lift a car
with your pudenda.

- I've been hearing about
the Firefighters' Ball

my entire life,
and now I get to go.

- Hey, you got a date lined up?
- I'm going with Gene.

- Oh, yes!
- Oh, this guy!

- Yes, bun head.

- He has a top knot, yes.

- What's he hiding up there,
gumballs?

- Hey, if I crank that thing,

does pepper come out of his ass?
- Yeah.

- I think it's cute
and that's all that matters.

- I got my date lined up.

- Who's your date?
- An opera singer.

Her name is Ophelia.

- Is she all stuffy
and erudite?

[laughter]
- Yeah, is she too--

- Oh, no, man.
She's super funny.

And she does great impressions.

Michael Caine, Sofia Vergara,
Shaq, R2-D2.

You'll love her.
What about you, Andy?

Taking your sister again?

- I mean, now that she's my mom?
No.

I think I might
play the field this year.

You know, maybe it's time
for Andy to find himself

a fire fightress.

- Yes, indeed, it is, my boy.

Hey, I should be your wingman.

- Oh, you don't have a date?
- No, no,

it's my celibate month,
Celibat-ember!

- Ike, no offense, but you're
not really a good wingman.

- What?
- Yeah, it's just

the girls
only want to talk to you.

- Let me help you find a lady.

- [chuckles]
- I'm so good at it.

I'm tired of you being alone
all the time.

- [mumbles] I'm not alone
all the time.

- You want me to do it?

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah! [laughs]

Whoo!
Game on!

- And 200 more kegels.
Let's go.

♪

- Vicky is gonna be
super surprised.

She's been hammering me
for years to do salsa lessons.

I've been avoiding it.
- Hang on, hang on.

Are you gonna wear one
of those funny outfits?

- I'm gonna wear
a traditional salsa outfit,

if that's what you mean.

- Well, I'm just curious
how form-fitted it's gonna be.

Like, will it be stretchy,
shimmery, blousy?

Will there be lightning bolts?
What are we talking?

- Don't you worry about it,
all right?

Vicky's gonna love it,
which is good,

because I recently
put my foot in my mouth

and this salsa surprise
is gonna help me out.

- Oh, no.
What did you say?

- [sighs]
I may have said that sometimes,

when she and I make love,

I look into her eyes and I see

your eyes.
- What? Are you crazy?

- I know.
- That's terrible.

- I know.
- You can't say that to a woman.

- In retrospect,
you are correct.

- Goddamn right, I am.

- But whatever, you guys
are brother and sister.

It's a biology thing.

- It's a sex buzzkill, dude.
It's disgusting.

- I know it's disgusting,
and she has not let it go.

- She shouldn't.

- But I'm gonna fix it
with the salsa thing.

- Okay, first of all,
it's pronounced sal-sa.

- That's what I said.
- Not sawl-sa.

- That's what I said, sawl-sa.
- Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa.
- Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa.
- Sal-sa!

- Sawl-sa.
- Oh, okay, great.

- She will never suspect

that I can do
something this romantic.

- We should make sure Granny
brings his defib paddle.

- Morning.
What's up, A shift?

♪

The chief and the captain
just entered the room.

Still here!

- And 200.
- Whoa, man.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Wow.

- Sorry, Chief, sorry, Cap.

We're doing this thing
called kegels.

- I hope that's not
another new club drug.

- No, it isn't.
- Hey, Cap.

Who you taking to the Ball?

- That lady I met
at the airport.

- Flight attendant?
- No, she's the woman

who was driving the
Parking Spot shuttle bus.

This petite woman tossing
giant bags onto the bus.

So hot.
- [chuckles] Sounds hot.

She toss your bag?
- Whoa!

- Ike.
- That's gross.

- No, no, no.
Oh, not like that!

Not did she toss your bag.
I mean did she toss--

I mean, handle your luggage,
like,

put the suitcase on the truck?

- That's offensive..
- I--that's not what I meant.

- She did,
and when I got off the bus,

and she handed it back to me,

I saw it.
- Saw what?

- Her left arm
was a regular size arm,

but her right arm
was a huge baggage handler arm.

Just--bam!

- Oh!
[chuckling]

- Asymmetrical musculature.
- Like a tennis player.

- What about her neck massage?

- Firm,

sawft.

- I bet she gives
a bomb-ass hando.

- Lucy!
- Hando Calrissian.

- The Handalorian.

- Some serious hand...job.

- Actually,
I haven't experienced that yet

with the strong arm.

- I think you're gonna get it,
Cap.

- Unforch,
my time is running out.

She's been transferred
to the Parking Spot

down in Los Angeles

and she moves the morning
after the Ball,

so the Ball is our last hurrah.

- Hey, Chief,
who are you taking to the Ball?

- My wife.

Okay, let's get down
to business, everybody.

♪

- [loudly] Train-riding
orange tabby in "Cats."

- Skimbleshanks.

- [louder] Train-riding
orange tabby in "Cats."

- You're yelling through
your earbuds again.

- What?

- You're yelling through
your earbuds again.

Skimbleshanks.

- [normally]
That's the--okay.

- Skimbleshanks.
- Okay.

So that fits.
Skimbleshanks.

[sighs and sniffs]

What's that smell?
It's, like, perfume-y.

- It's my new body spray.
Do you like it?

You like the way it smells?

- You know, it's okay.

Oh, jeez..
Okay. [grunts]

My pen!

[grunts]
Oh, boy!

[grunts]
Yeah.

[grunts]

♪

Subarctic forest.
Hmm.

- [snapping gum loudly]

- How's that gum?

- Delicious.
You want some?

- No, thank you.
Sounds great, though.

- Mm, it's so good.

♪

- [sighs]
You know what?

I'm gonna go work in my office.
- Good.

- I got a ton of paperwork

and a bunch of phone calls
to return.

- Man, I do not envy you.

Paperwork and phone calls?
I prefer saving lives.

- Well, I make sure
you get to do that.

- I'm just saying I would hate
to be chief.

I like my life the way it is.
- Oh, yeah?

- In fact, I would rather slow
dance with you than be chief.

I do not want your job.

- Well, you can't have it.
- Good, 'cause I don't want it.

- You can't have it.
- I don't want it.

- Carry on.

♪

- 598, 599--

- Oh, my God, I can't do it.

- 600.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Ugh, 600?

- That's right.
- I think I pulled my rectum.

- Hey, Lucy.
- Gene!

- Hey!
- Hey.

You guys remember Gene, right?

- Oh, hey, Gene.
- What is up, fire squad?

- Oh, Mean Gene!

Hey, I need a trailer hitch
put on my truck.

Can you help me out
with that at all?

- I'm sorry, no.

Hey, Luce, I came
to drop off the donation

for the silent auction.

- Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.

- Free real estate seminar.

- Honey!

You forgot one
of the envelopes.

- Oh, God. Thanks, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.

- Everyone,
this is my mom, Jean.

[dramatic piano notes]

- Wait, you guys
have the same name?

- No. I'm Eugene.
She's Genevieve.

- You're Gene--
you're Gene-ivive

and you're--Gene--Eugene?

- No.

[overlapping crosstalk]

- You're Jeanie-A?

- Good luck
with the silent auction.

- Thanks, Gene.

both:
You're welcome.

[laughter]

- Okay, gotta roll.
- See you later, bye.

both:
Bye.

both: Oops!
[laughter]

- What is happening?
- Are you kidding me?

- Hey, doesn't that
make you uncomfortable?

- What?

- He is literally the
spitting image of his mom.

- I don't see that.

- I could never date a girl

that looked that much
like her dad.

- Yeah, it'd be like making out
with the dad.

- It doesn't bother me
because I don't see it.

- Okay.

Power blast!

♪

Lucy, come on!

- What?
I'm doing 'em.

♪

- Chief, Phil Dylan
from Personnel.

- Oh, hey, Phil.

- I was calling
to let you know

that Ted Garrett is retiring

so a chief position
is opening up at Station 17.

We have Eddie Penisi on a
short list for consideration

and wanted to reach out
to you--

- Uh, I'm gonna stop you right
there, Phil.

Eddie does not wanna
be a chief.

- Really? Because
he's very high up the list.

- Trust me, Phil, he's said it
to me on numerous occasions.

It's not something
he's interested in.

As a matter of fact,
he told me earlier today

he would rather slow dance
with me than be a chief.

- Okay, Chief.
We'll focus elsewhere.

- Okay, sounds good, Phil.

[knocking on door]
- What's up, clammy hands?

Look who I caught
skulking around.

- Hey!
What are you doing here?

- I'm just picking up some items
for the silent auction.

- Silent auction?
- For the Firefighters' Ball.

I'm doing some
of the charity stuff.

- Oh, right, the Ball.
When's that, again?

- Friday.
[scoffs]

How do you not
remember this stuff?

- I am super slammed with work.

- You know, Eddie, since
you and I have the same eyes

and we're basically
the same person to Terry,

why don't you remind him
of his important obligations?

- Honey,
it just slipped my mind.

- Okay.
Bye.

See ya later.
- You married him, Vic.

- [scoffs]
- Love you!

- What are you doing?

- I'm making her think
I'm not interested in the Ball.

- Why? Don't you want her
to be excited?

- No, no, no.
I'm lowering her expectations.

That's my strategy.
- That's a dumb strategy.

- What are you talking about?
It's negging.

You taught me about negging.

Making them think
you're not interested?

- Asshole,
you don't neg your wife.

- Don't call me an asshole.
It's all part of the plan.

Think of how surprised
she's gonna be

when I bust out
that salsa, huh?

- Okay, first of all,
it's sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa.
- Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa!
- Whatever.

Listen, I found out
through the grapevine

that Chief Garrett is retiring.

That means there's a chief slot
opening up in 17.

Now, my people on the inside

tell me that my name is
on a short list for that job.

How sweet is that?

- Uh, yeah, that's super sweet.

- Yeah, how awesome would
that be if I became a chief?

- Uh, I thought
you didn't want to be chief.

- Why would you think that?

I put in the years.
I'd be a great chief.

- You would, you would,
yeah, mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God, I hope I get it.

I wonder who else is up for it.

I bet it's Captain Dooley
from the shit shack.

But they wouldn't pick him,
right?

He's an old school Irish prick
with a glass eye.

- Totally.
He's a total Irish prick.

- Glass eye. Doesn't work.
- [chuckles] Fake eye? Come on.

- He's not a chief.
- No way.

There's no way
he'd make it over you.

- If Personnel calls,
you tell 'em how great I'd be.

- Course. Course I will.

- Today is a great day!

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Oh, man.

♪

- [clears throat]

♪

- Personnel.
- Phil.

Hey, it's Terry McConkey again.
- Hi, Chief.

- Listen, I may have given you
the wrong impression

on that last phone call.

I want to make sure
you heard me properly.

Captain Penisi is interested
in that chief's job.

- That's not
what you said before.

- [chuckles]
No, you must've misheard me,

because he is interested and I
think he would do a great job.

- Well, it's a moot now

because we offered the job
to Jimmy Dooley.

[dramatic tone]

- Already?

- I told you
it was a short list.

You said he wasn't interested.
That made it really short.

- [sighs]

Well, I don't think
I ever said that, so.

- You did.
I wrote it down.

"Captain Penisi would rather
slow dance with Terry McConkey

than be chief."

But I'll put him on the list.

There'll be another opening
in a few years.

- Great. Thanks.

♪

Oh, boy.

- Okay, hot sauce
is the hot chick.

- Well, that makes sense.

- This is you, this is me.

- Oops.
- Now--

- Nope, hang on.

I'm just gonna switch these
so it's not as weird.

- Okay, are we ready?

- Yes.
- All right.

So you walk in, approach
the hot chick from the front,

I approach the hot chick
from behind.

You smile and wave to her.

If she smiles and waves back,
great.

I peel off, game on.

But, if she ices you,
I'm still here.

You play it off like you were
smiling and waving to me,

I wave back to you, you don't
lose credibility with the room,

we move on
to target number two.

- It just seems
a little elaborate.

- It's not elaborate.

I've been a wingman
a million times.

You gotta trust me on this.
We need a plan.

We're gonna call it
Operation Salt and Pepper.

- Do we really have to name it?
- Of course we do.

What if I'm way over here and
there's a hot chick right here?

"Salt and Pepper!"

Boom, we're in formation,
we do it again.

- Maybe I'll just walk up
to a girl and be like,

"You look great
in your dress blues.

What's your station like?"

"My station's pretty great.

"It's filled
with a bunch of antics

and I've got a lot
of great friends--"

- Super long and ramble-y.

I don't even know what
you're saying at that point.

- No, I get that.
It's just--I'm not you, so.

- Ah, shoot.

I'm sorry, Andy.
You're right.

It's this Celibat-ember thing,
man.

It's driving me crazy.
It's already been two days.

I don't know if I'm gonna last,
honestly.

- Oh, well,
hang in there, buddy.

I mean,
it's only a month total, so.

- Well, I watched that movie,
"28 Days Later."

They started eating each other
within a month, so.

- Those are zombies.

- No, they were hobos.

Oh!
[chuckles]

I got it. I got it.

Challenge coins!

It's why they invented
these things, Andy!

- I thought they were meant

to signify your pride
in the station.

- No, it's to pick up chicks.

You put yours down.

If she has hers,
you buy her a drink.

If she doesn't,
she buys you a drink.

It's custom-made for this!

- That is pretty great.
- Right?

- Uh, boom!
- [chuckles]

- Hi, I'm Andy Myawani.

Do you have
your challenge coin?

- I don't.

- Uh-oh,
you gotta buy me a drink.

- We should make out.
- Oh-ho, already?

- Here's me.
Bye, Andy.

- Where you going, Ike?
- No, don't follow me.

- Oh.
- Stay with her.

- [laughing]

- [in very posh British accent]
Ah, yes,

beat the yolk and lime zest
until fluffy,

then cut into wedges
and serve cold

with a large dollop
of whipped cream!

- [laughing]

Queen Elizabeth baking
key lime pie is hilarious.

- And it tastes great too.
- [laughs]

You have got
to come by the station

and meet the guys
before the Ball.

[chuckles]

Ooh, come over now!

- [normally]
I can't.

I'm doing a costume fitting.

"The Ring of the Nibelung"
is premiering next week and I'm

♪ Brunnhilde
- Okay.

Now give me Dora on skid row.

- [squeaky voice]
Ooh, look, mira!

A drug addict masturbating!

Can you say...
[speaking Spanish]

- Masturbutando?

[laughter]

It's like I'm talking
to a female Jim Carrey.

- [as Jim Carrey]
I like that. I like it a lot.

- [laughs]
Okay, now give me one.

- [vocalizes masterfully]

[sings high note]

- Oh, ooh.
That just gave me chills.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Hold on, I actually
like this side better.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

Uh--

[dramatic notes]

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

I was just looking
at these pics

and thinking about
how much, like,

I love it
when you change your look.

- You don't like my ponybun?

- I love it.

I mean,
beep, beep!

You're just--you're so hot

and you could pull off
so many different hairdos

and I was just curious
of, you know, like,

what another one might be.

- I could just shave it all off
like Taye Diggs.

- That is a great idea.

[ominous notes]
Ah!

- Whoa!

What?

- Sorry, uh, nothing.

[upbeat rock music]

[soft piano music]

♪

- Hey, hey, hey,
I was wondering

if maybe we could use

this arm tonight.

- Oh, no.

Eddie, the last guy I used this
on ended up in the hospital.

- You know I'm not afraid
of anything.

I'm a firefighter.

- There are other things
we can do.

- I know, but it's like
climbing Mount Everest.

Like, I know I could die,

but this is the ultimate
life achievement right here.

- How about
on my last night here,

on the night
of the Firefighters' Ball...

- I'm listening.

- When the clock
strikes 12:00...

- Mm-hmm?

- I'll give you the strong arm.

- That would make me
Cinderella.

- I don't remember Cinderella
getting an HJ.

- In my version, she does.

- Well, then it's a deal.

- [joints crack loudly]
Oh! Ow, ow.

See, this handshake
turns me on.

- Well then, I'm gonna
go put on something

a little more comfortable,

and when I come back,

I'm gonna give you the weak-ie.

♪

- Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

[exhales deeply]

[phone buzzes]

What's up, Chiefy?
- Hey, Eddie, you got a second?

- Terry, I got great news.

Donna just agreed
to give me a strong arm HJ

at the Firefighters' Ball
on Friday at 12:00 sharp.

Talk about the stroke
of midnight, guy.

- That is great news, Eddie.

- I couldn't be happier
right now.

I am in such a good place.

- Eddie, I need
to talk to you.

- Terry, I gotta go.

- But wait, just one second.

- I just want to thank you
for putting in a good word

for me on that chief job.

- Wait,
I haven't done that yet.

- Yes, you have, but you're
just not admitting it

'cause you're
such a good friend.

And I really am gonna miss you
when I get that chief job.

- And I'll miss you, too,
Eddie.

- That's nice, Terry.

I know how hard it is
for you to show emotions.

♪

- Oh, boy.

♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- All right, commence
Operation Andy Date. [chuckles]

- I don't know if we should do
the whole sling thing, Ike.

- Andy, this
is a great addition, my friend.

It has the effect of
making me look incredibly weak,

subsequently, you beside me
look incredibly strong.

- Mm, seems excessive.

- What's up, boys?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, what happened
to your arm?

- Oh, I just, uh, hurt it.

I was hanging art.
So wimpy, and--

- Oh, you poor thing.

- Uh, it's a weak arm.

- Hey, Andy, Ike,
this is Donna.

- Oh.
- Hi, guys.

[joints crack]
- Ow.

[chuckles]
Nice to meet you.

- Save your strength, okay?
- Okay.

- Take it easy, boys.

- See you.
And nice to meet you.

- That actually hurt.

- Look at her arm.
- I know.

- It was massive.
- Well, I felt it.

- Hey, wingman.
What happened to your wing?

- Oh, I just hurt it
hanging art.

I'm good, though.
I'm just totally fine.

- Hey, Ike, Andy,
this is Ophelia.

- Oh, hey.
Such a pleasure to meet you.

I hear you have a great sense
of humor.

So it's gonna be a fun night!

- Yeah, Granny was telling us
you're a riot.

It was--

oh, are you doing kegels?

- No.

- Oh, my gosh.
What?

I'm so sorry, I didn't--
a mute?

You're a mute opera singer?

That's amazing.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

Hey, good for you!
That's awesome!

- Okay, no.
She's not mute, man.

She's just saving her voice
for her performance tomorrow.

- I understand.
- Oh, that's too bad.

I hear you do
great impressions.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, she does
great impressions.

Hey, please,
will you do Nicki Minaj?

- Oh, Nicki Minaj.
- Oh, yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's so good.

We listen to her all the time
in the station.

- You'll be great
at the silent auction later!

- Okay, okay, let's go.
Thanks, guys.

- She's not deaf.

- It's so brave of her
to come here.

- You don't have to scream.

- Maybe you should
be more compassionate.

- You know, I gotta say, Luce,
you look great tonight.

- Aww, thank you.
So do you.

And I really like the new hair.

- It's the same, old hair,
just a different comb.

[laughter]

- Well, look at the lovebirds.

- Mother!
Aww.

both:
Mm.

- Oh, my.

- Miss Gentry,
what are you doing here?

- Isn't this awesome?
- I like to party, too.

- I thought I'd surprise you.

- Much like Gene, I was asked
on a date by a firefighter.

- Yeah, you were.
- [chuckles]

- Who?
- What's up, McConkey?

- Hey, Wolf.

- Hope you're not trying
to horn in on my lady.

Unless you're into that.
- [chuckles]

- Not really.

- Isn't this fun?
- Oh, yeah.

- We can double date all night.
[laughs]

- Uh, awesome.

- Let's hit the dance floor!
[cheers]

- Let's go, Luce.
- Oh, everybody's howling.

[upbeat music]

- Wow, the place looks great.

- It's all right.

- Oh, don't be a stick
in the mud.

Come on, let's get a drink.
Let's have some fun.

- First,
I gotta press the flesh.

And by the way,
don't be mad at me

if I don't talk to you tonight.

It's part of the job.
- Are you serious?

- Yeah. You'll have fun.
You know tons of people.

Hey, Tommy!

- Oh, my God.

♪

- Hey, buddy, here's a C-note.

When the clock strikes
midnight,

I want to play the song
on here for me.

All right?
[chuckles]

- Hey.
- Hey. Where's your date?

- She's cracking coconuts
for the bartender.

[coconut crunches]

- Wow.
That's a big arm.

- I'm pissed.
- What's the matter?

- I just found out
I didn't get that chief job.

They gave it to frickin' Dooley
at the shit shack.

Can you believe that?

I got two years seniority
on that guy

and he's got a glass eye.

- Can't believe
they passed you over.

- I know, right?

I'm surprised no one reached out
to you about it.

You're my CO.
That's proper protocol, yeah?

- Definitely.
Absolu--yep--mm-hmm.

- 'Cause if they'd spoken
to you,

you would've given me
a great boost.

- You know I would've.

- You know what?

I'm not gonna think about it
tonight

'cause I'm getting
a strong arm HJ.

- There you go.
- How 'bout you?

You ready for your big dance?

- Yeah, DJ has the music

and I got a hotel room upstairs
for the night.

My salsa outfit's
at the front desk.

When she's not looking,

I'm gonna go grab it
and stash it upstairs.

- It's sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa!

- Sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa!

- You go, girl.
- We sawl-sa right here!

- Sal-sa.
- Right here.

Midnight!

- [chuckles]
I wish I was a husk.

- Mm, I bet you do.

- Hiya, Penisi!

- Oh, Wolf.

Last time I saw you,

you were crying your way off the
stage at the old folks' home.

- Funny stuff, yeah.

It's a shame
you're not gonna get

to work on your new material
at Station 17.

I heard you lost
that chief position to Dooley.

That's gotta hurt!

I mean, what, you got
two more years of seniority

and both eyeballs?

- I didn't want it.
- That's not what I heard.

- Phil Dylan told me that

McConkey gave you
a lousy recommendation.

- Come again?

- Said Terry took you off
the short list.

Which is funny, 'cause you're
the shortest guy I know.

[imitates rimshot]
- Back up. Terry did what?

- He took you off
the short list.

Which is funny, 'cause you're
the shortest guy I know.

[imitates rimshot]

- That's absurd.
He would never do that.

- Why don't you go
ask him yourself?

♪

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- One of those for me?

- These aren't for you.

- That's fine.
I'm lactose intolerant.

- It's coconut milk.

- Makes me gassy.

♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- What's up?

What are you doing?

Cut it out.

- Did you tell
the Personnel office

that I didn't want
that chief job?

- [clicks tongue]
Um, you know what?

I don't have time for this.

I gotta take
my salsa outfit upstairs

and I gotta put the rose petals
on the bed.

- It's sal-sa.
Answer the question.

- Cut it out.

[elevator whirs and clunks]

Great, look what you did.
We're stuck.

- Answer me, Terry.

Our friendship hangs
in the balance.

Did you tell them that
I didn't want that chief job?

[dramatic music]

♪