Original subtitles

♪ WHOA, OH, OH, OH ♪

I'LL BE OVER THERE IN LIKE TWO MINUTES.

OKAY, BYE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?

BYE, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

POP IN SOME WINE. LET'S POUR OUR WINE.

OH, I'M EXCITED. MM-HMM.

HI, BABY GIRL. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO GO DANCING?

I'VE BEEN WAITING SO FREAKING LONG FOR THIS.

COME ON. LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT.

♪♪

THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER'S [BLEEP] GRADUATION PARTY.

AND YOU SAY THIS TO HER.

WHY WOULD YOU RUIN HER PARTY?

♪♪

-WE'RE LOSING THE JEANS. -WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH, MY GOD.

TAKE IT ALL OFF. NO.

OH, [BLEEP] [ HORN HONKS ]

THING THING IS GIVING ME ANXIETY.

Laurie: I HAVE SAVED ALL OF SARAH'S BABY TEETH.

THEY SIT IN A DRAWER. OH, [BLEEP]

THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE WITCHES.

I WANT US TO HAVE MATCHING BOOBS.

I'VE NEVER FELT AN AUGMENTED BREAST THAT FELT NICE.

WHOSE FAKE BOOBS HAVE YOU BEEN TOUCHING?

I'M JUST SAYING, IT DOESN'T GO IN YOUR VAGINA.

IT GOES IN THE BUTTHOLE.

THIS CROSSES THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND LINE.

-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

ALL RIGHT, MOM, HURRY UP.

-COME HERE, LOCKSY. -HI, LOCKSY.

COME HERE. OH, MY GOD.

I'M SO EXCITED TO WATCH THE SHOW.

ME TOO.

WE GOT NAPKINS, CHIPS. CHIPS.

OOH!

OKAY, YOU READY? I'M READY.

♪♪

I'M READY, YOU READY?

HIGH FIVE! YEAH!

I THINK THE MOST SMOTHERING IS DAWN.

NO. NO, IT'S NOT DAWN.

MAYBE MARY.

WHO ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT SEEING?

WHICH MOM AND DAUGHTER? OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THEM ALL.

CHEERS.

BEST MOMENTS.

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA SEE? THIS IS SO EXCITING!

♪ I FEEL GOOD I FEEL, FEEL, FEEL, FEEL GOOD ♪

-HI. -HI.

-HOW ARE YOU? -GOOD.

ARE YOU READY TO GET STARTED? ABSOLUTELY.

OKAY, AWESOME. MY MOM WANTS ME TO FEEL GOOD

AND LOOK GOOD DURING MY GRADUATION PARTY,

SO WE'RE GOING TO BE GETTING COALING CLEANSES.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

LIKE A COLONIC. OH, NO.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SMELLY ADVENTURE.

SO TO GET IT IN, YOU'RE JUST GONNA LIFT UP YOUR BOTTOM,

BRING YOUR HAND IN UNDERNEATH YOU,

YOU FIND THAT LUBRICATED NOZZLE.

HUH.

-IT PROBABLY HURTS. -HURTS.

Woman: AND JUST GENTLY GLIDE IT INTO YOUR RECTUM.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! OH!

YOU GOTTA INSERT THIS [BLEEP] BY YOURSELF?

-HELL, NO. -NOT DRUNK OR ANYTHING?

I DID IT!

-YAY! -YAY!

HOW BIG IS IT?

HOW MANY FINGERS? THIS BIG?

[ LAUGHING ]

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL --

I GUESS IT'S LIKE SHOVING AN ENEMA UP YOUR BUTT.

A WHAT?

[ LAUGHS ]

SO AS SOON AS YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO RELEASE,

JUST GO AHEAD AND RELEASE.

OH!

MARY AND BRITTANI ARE THE FIRST MOTHER AND DAUGHTER

THAT I HAVE SEEN HOLDING HANDS

WHILE THEY WERE GETTING COLONICS.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

THEY'RE GIVING EACH OTHER SUPPORT.

-I KNOW. -WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

THEY'RE SO JUDGMENTAL.

WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS.

FEELS LIKE IT'S FILLING UP IN MY IN MY BELLY,

YOU KNOW, THE FLUID.

-OH, GOOD. -UGH.

OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.

HER FACE! OH!

[ GROANING ]

IT'S HURTS! IT'S PRESSURE!

[ LAUGHING ]

PRESSURE!

IT'S LIKE HAVING A BABY.

HERE IT COMES. MAYBE, MAYBE, MAYBE.

THERE YOU GO. GOOD.

OH, [BLEEP]

LITERALLY! [ LAUGHS ]

Both: OH!

WAS THAT A TUB OF POOP? THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A LOT MORE.

YEAH, LIKE, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW, KNOWING ME... [ WHOOSHING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

[ SHUDDERS ]

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.

I MEAN, LET ALONE DO I NOT WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED,

BUT THEN ALSO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR POOP

COMING OUT OF A HOSE.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S GONNA BE YOUR TURN NOW.

RUN, BRITTANI, RUN.

I HAVE TO GET THIS IN.

OH, STOP IT. THE MOM.

I WANT YOU TO LIFT YOUR HINEY.

I WANT YOU TO LIFT... IS PUTTING IT IN.

[ GASPS ]

LUCKILY MY MOM IS THERE

TO HELP ME PUT THE NOZZLE INTO MY BEHIND.

Both: OH!

THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

NOT IN YOUR VAGINA.

I'M JUST SAYING, IT DOESN'T GO IN YOUR VAGINA.

IT GOES IN THE BUTTHOLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD.

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS PARTY.

I'M JUST HOPING IT TURNS OUT REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY'RE HAVING THIS NORMAL CONVERSATION

WHILE SHE'S LITERALLY POOPING.

I DON'T GET IT EITHER.

THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME SINCE MY WEIGHT LOSS.

DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH! THERE'S [BLEEP] FLYING

THROUGH A FREAKING TUBE AND WATER'S GOING UP HER BUTT

THAT HER MOTHER SHOVED UP HER.

SHE'S DONE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DONE?

SHE DOESN'T NEED ANYTHING UP HER BUT TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL.

NO, SHE SURE DOESN'T. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AS SHE IS.

AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. YOU KNOW THAT?

THIS CROSSES THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND LINE.

♪ DOING MY THING, DOING MY THING ♪

TODAY, ME AND MY MOM ARE DOING A PHOTO SHOOT.

YOU GUYS LOVE TAKING PHOTOS TOGETHER.

I LOVE DOING PHOTOS TOGETHER WITH CHER.

YOU WOULD JUMP AT THIS OPPORTUNITY, I THINK.

IT'S FUN.

OOH, WE'RE TWINS!

I WOULD DO A PHOTO SHOOT DRESSED LIKE THAT WITH YOU.

SURE, I WOULD DO IT TOO.

I THINK WE SHOULD GET SEXIER.

WHAT NOW? I'M THINKING WE JUST

TAKE THESE OFF.

TAKE IT OFF?

I THINK THIS IS AS SEXY AS I WANT TO GET, OKAY?

NO, THAT'S NOT EVEN SEXY. WE'RE LOSING THE JEANS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"TAKE MY PANTS OFF? WHAT?"

"I CAN'T DO THAT." "I CAN'T DO THAT."

BUT I'M STILL A MOM, YOU KNOW, AND I DO HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD.

BUT OKAY, I'LL TAKE THEM OFF. OH, YEAH.

I LIKE TO HANG OUT ONCE IN A WHILE.

I LIKE TO HANG OUT A LITTLE ONCE IN A WHILE, TOO.

I'LL LET YOU LADIES OIL EACH OTHER UP.

GOT TO GET THE BUTT NICE AND OILY.

"GET YOUR BUTT NICE AND OILY."

[ SIGHS ] [ LAUGHS ]

A MOM AND DAUGHTER SEXY PHOTO SHOOT IS SLIGHTLY WEIRD.

Both: SLIGHTLY?!

CHI-CHIS.

OH, MY GOD. WHY DO THEY NEED THIS

TYPE OF PHOTO SHOOT? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK -- WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW THIS TO?

I FEEL WRONG WATCHING THIS.

SHE HAS NO BOUNDARIES AT ALL WITH HER.

CAN'T THEY JUST GO SHOPPING AND GO TO LUNCH?

ALL RIGHT, BOTH OF YOU HAVE YOUR LEGS APART A LITTLE BIT MORE.

RIGHT THERE, PERFECT.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

WE COULD DO IT.

I WOULDN'T MIND, BUT YOU PROBABLY WOULD

BECAUSE YOU'RE SHY.

I'M ABOUT MODESTY.

GIVE ME YOUR CONFIDENCE, GIRL. WHERE CAN I GET THAT?

DID YOU WORK OUT TODAY?

NO, I HAD NO TIME. OKAY.

ARE WE DONE?

UH, I THINK WE SHOULD LOSE THE TOPS.

-OH, HERE WE GO. -OH, COME ON.

-KEEP YOUR TOP ON. -DON'T DO THIS.

-KEEP 'EM ON. -DON'T DO THIS.

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT? TAKE IT ALL OFF.

NO.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY. WILL YOU STOP?

MOM, IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.

THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL EMPOWERED.

EMBRACE YOUR CURVES. I'M ALREADY --

I'M NOT DOING IT.

NO, I WOULDN'T DO IT.

MOM, WHAT'S WRONG?

THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH.

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

"BECAUSE IF I DON'T DO THIS SHOOT..."

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE ME ANYMORE."

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE ME ANYMORE."

YOU KNOW, I AM A MOM,

AND WHAT IF SOMEBODY CRITICIZES AND THIS...

UM, WHAT IF?

WE ARE CRITICIZING YOU.

STOP CRYING, BE A MOM, AND LEAVE.

-I MEAN, THIS IS INSANE. -RIGHT.

I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT DOING EVERYTHING WITH MARIAH.

SO IF I HAVE TO TAKE A BIG RISK TO STAY CLOSE TO MY DAUGHTER...

[ SIGHS ] THEN THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

ALL LET'S GO. LET'S DO IT.

OH, THEY'RE DOING IT.

WOW.

SHE'S GOING TO DO IT.

HER DAUGHTER TALKED HER INTO IT.

SO I SUPPORT THIS DECISION.

I'M SURE YOU SUPPORT IT.

IT WAS SO FUN AND AMAZING. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD DO THIS.

I MEAN, WHAT IF THEY GET ON THE INTERNET?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

INTERNET IS FOREVER.

OOH!

♪♪

Alena: GOOD MORNING!

GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY? WHAT?

I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE. VROOM!

[ LAUGHS ]

THE WHOLE TIME ALENA'S BEEN IN COLLEGE,

I'VE GONE TO GET HER THEN BRING HER BACK.

SOUNDS LIKE US. I KNOW.

I DROVE YOU TO COLLEGE. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

SO NOW IT'S JUST REALLY TIME FOR HER TO DRIVE BY HERSELF.

YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THAT SHE CAN DRIVE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HER EVERYWHERE ANYMORE.

EXACTLY. YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW.

GOT TO GET SOME FREEDOM.

-YOU READY? -NO.

-ALL RIGHT, LET ME JUST... -YAY!

GETTING IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.

WHY IS THE MOM WEARING THAT HAT?

YOU SHOULD TALK. I KNOW.

MISS PIÑATA SWEATER. OKAY, FINE, I'LL SHUT UP.

[ BEEP ] [ ALENA'S "HIGHWAY" PLAYING ]

WE GOT TO DO -- ♪ MAKIN' ME FEEL SO SPECIAL ♪

OH, WAIT, IS THIS HER SONG?

YEAH.

SHE'S GOT TO GET IN THE MOOD. RIGHT.

YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY, THERE YOU GO.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE MUSIC ON IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE DRIVING.

YEAH. OH, BOY. HERE WE GO.

[ HORN HONKS ] OH, MY GOODNESS.

YEAH. TURN OFF THE MUSIC. OH, MY GOODNESS.

THEY NEED TO FOCUS. TURN OFF THE MUSIC.

JUST GO. JUST MAKE BELIEVE YOU CAN DRIVE.

Alena: I LOVE THE TIME MY MOM AND I SPEND TOGETHER.

THIS POOR MOM'S GOT TO BE STRESSED OUT.

I CAN'T IMAGINE.

SHE'S DOING A GOOD JOB.

I LIKE THAT THE MOM'S PUSHING HER TO DO THESE THINGS.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TOO FAST.

WHY AM I SCARED ON THIS RIDE?

-ME TOO. -SHE NEEDS DRIVER'S ED.

LITERALLY, HER WHOLE LIFE IS IN HER

DAUGHTER'S HANDS RIGHT NOW. I'M GONNA GO.

NO, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP.

THIS SCENE IS GIVING ME ANXIETY.

PUT YOUR BLINKER ON.

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS TEACHING YOU TO DRIVE?

YEAH. I'D BE SCREAMING, STOP!

YOU STILL DO THAT.

I CAN'T MAKE A U-TURN HERE, RIGHT?

JUST WHERE IT SAYS, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE

A FOUR-POINTED U-TURN.

A FOUR-POINT U-TURN?

I'M GETTING DIZZY WATCHING.

STOP! THERE'S A CAR COMING!

THIS CAR RIDE'S GONNA MAKE ME THROW UP.

Marcia: NOW SHE HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY, SO STOP.

WHEW!

[ SCOFFS ] YOU GET SO SCARED.

OKAY, MOM, LET HER DRIVE. SHE'S TALKING TOO MUCH.

I WANT YOU TO BACK INTO THE SPOT.

[ CLICKING ]

OH, I CAN'T BACK INTO THE SPOT.

THAT'S THE WRONG WAY.

LOOK. LOOK OUT -- YOU SEE THESE TWO?

I WANT YOU TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR,

AND I WANT YOU TO LOOK HERE.

SHE SHOULD HAVE AN INSTRUCTOR FOR HER.

I THINK SHE SHOULD.

SHE SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO TEACH HER TO DO THIS.

SHE'S YELLING AT ME LIKE --

AND I'M LIKE, "BUT I'M DOING EVERYTHING."

HAVE A DRINK, MOM.

NO! YOU'RE NOT IN THE LINE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN.

STOP. STOP. STOP!

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. STOP!

WHY IS SHE YELLING AT HER TO STOP?

IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE.

AW, SHE'S GETTING UPSET.

-ARE YOU GONNA CRY? -YEAH.

-WHY? -YOU'RE BEING MEAN.

I'M NOT BEING MEAN. I WANT YOU --

DON'T.

OOH. OOH.

FEISTY. SHE HURT HER FEELINGS.

THAT'S NOT COOL. YOU CAN'T DRIVE LIKE THAT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT.

YOU ALWAYS HATE TO HEAR YOUR MOM YELL AT YOU, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DRIVE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

YOU BELONG IN THE PASSENGER SEAT YOURSELF.

-I KIND OF LIKE IT THERE. -YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG.

OKAY, I'M TRYING.

SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT IS JUST DO IT.

THERE WE GO. MADE IT TO THE HOUSE.

YOU ALMOST KILLED US.

NO, I DID NOT ALMOST KILL YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO. DID YOU ALREADY HEAR THE TAPE?

THAT GUY WAS GONNA CRASH INTO US.

COULD YOU ARGUE LATER?

I'M NOT ARGUING. YOU ALMOST GOT ME KILLED.

[ CHUCKLING ]

♪ I MET A GIRL ♪

♪ BUT FIVE-FOOT-TWO ♪

-HI! -HI!

-HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MAMA. -OH, THANK YOU.

IF I WERE SUNHE, I WOULD SLIP HIM A FORTUNE COOKIE

WITH A FORTUNE IN THERE THAT SAYS,

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE."

SHE'LL HAVE THE SEA BASS.

SHE CAN'T ORDER FOR HERSELF?

ANGELICA IS LIKE THE MOM.

-WHAT? -SHE ORDERS FOR HER.

I GOT THIS FOR YOU. OH, WONDERFUL.

OH, THEY JUST GAVE THEM THE CARDS AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD.

"IF YOU KEEP FEEDING ME, I'LL KEEP LOVING YOU."

AW!

THIS IS FOR YOU.

AW! "YOU'RE A PRICELESS GEM.

THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU MOST. MOMMY."

YEAH. DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT.

I DON'T LIKE THAT SAYING. "THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU MOST."

IT'S, LIKE, WARPING HER MIND.

LIKE, YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED AS MUCH.

[ LAUGHS ]

THERE -- [ GASPS ] LOOK.

OH, THEY GOT MATCHING RINGS.

I DON'T THINK ANYTHING'S WRONG WITH THAT.

PRETTY NORMAL TO ME.

I THOUGHT THE RINGS WERE VERY CUTE,

BUT BEING IDENTICAL WAS JUST A LITTLE ODD.

WHY IS IT ODD, HONEY?

YEAH. WHY IS IT ODD THAT WE HAVE MATCHING RINGS?

A LOT OF MOTHERS DO THAT.

THIS IS WEIRD. WHY ARE THEY SHARING

VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS TOGETHER, MOM AND DAUGHTER?

YOU'RE JEALOUS. I'M NOT JEALOUS.

THEY'RE MAKING IT ABOUT THEM.

Both: IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.

WE DO IDENTICAL TOO. WE DO MATCHING.

I KIND OF COUGHED SOMETHING UP.

A FIVE-DAY BAHAMAS CRUISE.

I WAS BEYOND ANGRY.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THAT.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S.

THIS IS SUCH AN AWKWARD VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER.

IT IS VERY AWKWARD. IT'S SO AWKWARD.

I FEEL LIKE HE'S STRINGING HER ALONG.

HE'S NOT STRINGING HER ALONG. HE LOVES HER.

LOOK AT HER. AND I FEEL LIKE CRYING FOR HER.

SUCH A SPECIAL, BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

I MEAN, IS THIS A JOKE? IS MY DAUGHTER A JOKE?

I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT.

YEAH! YEAH, GET HIM!

DO IT! PUNCH HIM!

SUNHE! SUNHE!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, JASON.

TONIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A ROMANTIC VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER

WITH MY MOM, MY BOYFRIEND, JASON, AND HER FIANCé, BRETT.

AND NOW IT'S A DISASTER. HEY, NEWS FLASH.

IF YOU WANT IT TO BE ROMANTIC, DON'T GO WITH YOUR MOM.

GOOD ONE.

VIVIANA? HMM?

DO YOU STILL LOVE JASON? I DO.

[ GASPING ]

[ SHRIEKS ]

SHE STILL LOVES HIM! COME ON!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR TWO WOMEN

TO BE FIGHTING OVER HIM! THIS GUY!

♪♪

-HI. -HI, LADIES.

WE'RE HERE FOR SPRAY TANS FOR ME AND MY MOM.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING? THEY'RE GONNA DO A SPRAY TAN.

WHAT DO YOU DO, TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND GET SPRAYED?

YEAH, THAT'S A SPRAY TAN.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA SPRAY YOUR CLOTHES?

MY MOM AND I LOVE DOING EVERYTHING TOGETHER,

AND THAT INCLUDES GETTING SPRAY TANNED.

WE LOVE DOING EVERYTHING TOGETHER, TOO,

SO I UNDERSTAND THIS. I GET THIS.

THAT'S TOO MUCH.

SEE, TO ME THAT'S NOT WEIRD.

LIKE, I WOULD GET NAKED IN FRONT OF YOU AND HAVE A SPRAY TAN.

SHE TAKES A POOP. I'M IN THE BATHROOM

I TAKE A POOP. SHE'S IN THE SHOWER.

POOPS ARE PRIVATE. SORRY.

WHO POOPS WITH SOMEONE IN THE ROOM?

I'VE NEVER.

THAT'S WHAT MOTHER/DAUGHTERS DO.

YOU'LL BE SHOWERING AND I TALK TO YOU

WHEN I'M ON THE TOILET, YOU KNOW.

YEAH.

-HI. -HI.

I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER SPRAYED A MOM AND DAUGHTER TOGETHER.

I DON'T DO SPRAY TANS. THAT'S THE ONLY THING

WE DON'T DO TOGETHER IS A SPRAY TAN.

BECAUSE YOU WON'T SPRAY TAN JUST A LITTLE BIT.

IT WASHES OFF.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S GOING TO BE COLD, OKAY?

-[ GASPS ] -OH, MY GOD. [ LAUGHS ]

SHE'S GOING TO MAKE HER DO IT ALL THE WAY DOWN AT THE BOTTOM?

LIKE, OH, MY GOSH, I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT HER DOING IT.

HOW AWKWARD IS THIS FOR THE SPRAY TAN LADY?

JUST HOPE THEY DON'T FART IN YOUR FACE.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S TRUE!

YEAH, KEEP SPRAYING AND LOOKING THE OTHER WAY.

SHE'S LIKE, WHAT? HUH?

OKAY. OH, YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU LOOK GOOD THOUGH.

IT'S ALREADY MAKING YOU LOOK, LIKE, BAM, LIKE, BAM.

MARIAH IS TRYING TO GIVE HER MOM CONFIDENCE.

YEAH. I THINK THAT'S SWEET THOUGH.

LIKE THAT, IT'S SWEET.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO THIS.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT ME TO DO THIS.

-I NEVER WANT YOU TO DO THIS. -THANK YOU, SARAH.

♪♪

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT IS THAT?

I HAVE SAVED ALL OF SARAH'S BABY TEETH.

THEY SIT IN A DRAWER RIGHT NEXT TO MY BED.

THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WE'LL HAVE THEM FOREVER.

YES, I WILL.

INSTEAD OF A PICTURE, SHE HAS BABY TEETH.

YEAH.

I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

OKAY, GOOD. I THINK IT'S A SPECIAL MEMORY.

I GOT YOUR BABY TEETH.

THEY'RE SO CUTE AND THEY'RE SO TINY.

IT TOOK YOU A YEAR TO GET YOURS.

[ SNIFFS ]

OH, DON'T DO THAT.

OH, [BLEEP].

[ LAUGHS ] NO.

I DON'T THINK I'D SNIFF YOUR BABY TEETH, THOUGH.

PLEASE DON'T.

THIS REALLY, REALLY SMELLS, LIKE, ROTTEN.

OHH!

SMELLING THE ESSENCE...

[ SNIFFS ]

HER TEETH'S -- THE TEETH'S SOUL.

OHH!

I'M NOT SURE I WOULD HAVE SMELT IT.

YEAH, IT'S ONE THING TO KEEP IT,

BUT, LIKE, NOT, LIKE, JUST, LIKE, SMELL IT.

LIKE, THAT'S ROTTING BONE. THAT'S LIKE DEAD TEETH.

EW!

THINGS THAT I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF,

I JUST CAN'T LET GO OF. IT'S A PART OF YOU.

THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE WITCHES.

WITCH DOCTOR.

♪♪

TODAY IS THE DAY THAT JASON

AND VIVIANA SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS.

WHOO!

CHEERS, WHOO! FINALLY, JASON!

OH, IT'S FINALLY HERE.

BUT I'M A LITTLE IRRITATED THAT MY MOM INVITED US TO COME HERE

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO.

I DON'T NEED TO STAND OVER HIS SHOULDER

TO MAKE SURE HE SIGNS THE PAPERS.

BUT APPARENTLY MY MOM DOES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SHOWED UP.

SO VIVIANA CALLED ME THIS MORNING.

IT SEEMED LIKE SHE HAD COLD FEET.

OH, [BLEEP]

OOH!

SHE'S NOT GONNA COME?

LET'S HOPE SHE DOES.

I HOPE SHE DOES, TOO.

IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET DIVORCED, THAT'S WEIRD.

HE MUST BE STRINGING HER ALONG.

SHE IS COMING, THOUGH, RIGHT?

I BELIEVE SO.

I PRAY SHE DOES SHOW UP.

I KNOW.

SO SUNHE CAN LAY OFF OF YOU.

SHE WOULD RATHER PROBABLY JUST DO THIS IN THE DARK SOMEWHERE.

"HOW LONG SHOULD WE WAIT?"

"WE'LL WAIT TILL TOMORROW AND SEE IF SHE GETS HERE."

HELLO.

OH, SHE'S HERE.

OOH, SHE SHOWED! YAY!

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS.

SEEING JASON WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND ANGELICA,

IT WAS KIND OF A SHOCK TO ME.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT.

THIS BROAD REALLY LOVES HIM.

HE MUST HAVE A BIG PACKAGE.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING.

THIS IS AWKWARD. I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

I DO TOO.

WE CAN START FRESH.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS.

ADD ANOTHER ACCOUNT, WHATEVER.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THEY STILL HAVE AN ACCOUNT TOGETHER?

-RIGHT. -THAT'S WEIRD.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS HAD SAME ACCOUNTS.

NO WONDER WHY SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SIGN THE PAPERS.

SHE'S GETTING MONEY FROM HIM.

I'M ELISA STEINHAUER.

I'M THE NOTARY.

-VIVIANA. -HM?

DO YOU STILL LOVE JASON?

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IN LOVE AND LOVE.

RIGHT.

I DO.

[ GASPING ] -[ SHRIEKS ]

STILL LOVES HIM! COME ON!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR TWO WOMEN

TO BE FIGHTING OVER HIM! THIS GUY!

THIS GUY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A GUT FEELING THAT JASON

WASN'T BEING COMPLETELY HONEST.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I HAVE TO BE ON JASON'S SIDE.

HE CAN'T CONTROL HOW SHE FEELS. NO.

HE CAN'T.

GO AWAY.

SHOO.

I AGREE WITH YOU. SHOO.

AND THE SAME THING FOR YOU, VIVIANA.

OH, SHE'S HESITATING.

IF SHE DOESN'T SIGN IT, HE CAN'T BE OFFICIALLY DIVORCED.

♪♪

SHE SIGNED IT.

THEY'RE DIVORCED. WOW.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY NOW.

DO YOU HAVE SOMEBODY

THAT WAS GOING TO ACT AS YOUR RESIDENT WITNESS?

I CAN.

Angelica: KIND OF WEIRD THAT SHE WANTS TO BE A PART

OF FINALIZING THE DIVORCE.

IT'S A LITTLE MUCH.

A BIG MUCH.

SHE'S LIKE, "I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS REAL."

I WASN'T PREPARED TO SIGN ANY DOCUMENTS TODAY.

I NEED TO REALLY LOOK IT OVER AND KNOW WHAT I'M SIGNING.

Both: WOW.

SHE JUST VOLUNTEERED! HOW --

HOLY [BLEEP] OH, MY GOD.

SO SHE'S STOPPING THE DIVORCE?

NOW SHE WANTS TO TAKE THEM HOME AND LOOK THEM OVER?

WHO CARES? I CAN'T.

I JUST CAN'T. IT'S TOO MUCH.

Sunhe: IT SATISFIES ME VERY MUCH

THAT I AM IN CONTROL OF SIGNING THE PAPERS.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I'M SHOCKED. I'M LITERALLY SHOCKED.

SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS TO GO THROUGH, THIS DIVORCE.

I WOULD LITERALLY LOSE IT.

I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE TABLE AND FREAKIN' CHOKE HER.

WELL, I DIDN'T LIKE THE THINGS THE WAY IT WAS GOING BACK THEN.

BUT ULTIMATELY, YOU STILL WON.

ANGELICA ACCEPTED YOUR PROPOSAL.

SO DID YOU FEEL THAT I MADE UP FOR IT, FINALLY?

YES, FINALLY.

BUT IT TOOK, WHAT, THREE YEARS.

A LOT QUICKER WITH YOU AND ANGELICA ON MY BACK.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THE POSITIONS.

ABSOLUTELY. THIS IS WHY I BRING MY DOLL

AND OUR DEMO BREAST.

OH, NO, NO, DON'T DO IT.

OKAY, THAT'S CROSSED THE FREAKIN' LINE.

I CAN'T.

♪♪

BECAUSE OF ALL MY CONCERNS WITH BREASTFEEDING,

I REALLY WANT TO SEEK OUT HELP FROM A LACTATION CONSULTANT.

-HI! -HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, OF COURSE SHE'S THERE FOR THE APPOINTMENT.

OH, MY GOD.

IN MATCHING DRESSES. GO HOME.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT SUCKS HER STOMACH RIGHT BACK IN

OR WHATEVER, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?

WHY DO YOU THINK I WANTED YOU TO,

OOH, OOH, OOH?

IT'S BABY TO BREAST, NOT BREAST TO BABY.

BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS AFRAID THAT THE BABY WON'T BREATHE

BECAUSE OF THE NOSE.

SHH! LET YOUR DAUGHTER HEAR AND LEARN.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR CHER TO TELL DAWN TO LEAVE.

YOU CAN REALLY USE YOUR TORSO TO SUPPORT HER

AND WE CAN USE PILLOWS UNDER YOUR ARM.

WE DIDN'T HAVE THOSE PILLOWS WHEN WE BREAST FED.

OH, I DON'T THINK SHE LIKES DAWN.

"SHOULD SHE BE DOING THAT? IS SHE SLEEPING?

IS IT A PACIFIER? OH, MY GOD."

Cher: MY MOM IS ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

SHE JUST NEEDS TO CALM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A QUESTION IN AT ALL YET,

SO JUST TAKE A FINGER AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FLIP THAT LID OUT.

Dawn: BUT THEN SHE'S GOING TO STOP.

"I'M THE ONE WHO'S BREASTFEEDING.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE."

-[ LAUGHS ] -MM-HMM.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THE POSITIONS.

ABSOLUTELY. THIS IS WHY I BRING MY DOLL

AND OUR DEMO BREAST.

OH, NO, NO, DON'T DO IT.

-DON'T DO IT. -PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.

I TOLD YOU, SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST GOT PREGNANT

AND HAD ANOTHER BABY. OH, MY GOD, SHE'S GONNA DO IT.

OH, MY GOD. WHY, ARE YOU GOING TO BREASTFEED THE BABY?

OKAY, THAT'S CROSSED THE FREAKIN' LINE.

I CAN'T.

I'M SO GLAD THAT WE DID THIS. IT'S MY HONOR AND MY PLEASURE,

AND YOU WERE DOING AN AMAZING JOB.

REMEMBER, YOU KNOW YOUR BABY BETTER THAN ANYBODY.

TRUST YOUR BABY. TRUST YOUR BODY.

GOOD ADVICE.

DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR MOM. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, GIRL.

IT'S GREAT THAT SHE WANTS TO BE INVOLVED.

BUT...

BUT, LIKE, BACK OFF A LITTLE BIT.

YOU ASKED SO MANY QUESTIONS. I KNOW.

I WAS GLAD, YOU HAD ENERGY FOR BOTH OF US.

I MEAN, CAN ANYONE SAY WHAT A GREAT BABY THIS IS?

-I KNOW. -SHE HASN'T CRIED ONCE.

I KNOW.

♪ TIME TO TELL TIME TO TELL ♪

♪ WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN ♪

TODAY, I'M SORTING THROUGH MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS THINGS.

HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND'S STUFF?

OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE EX-WIFE.

WHAT IS HE, A HOARDER OF OTHER PEOPLE'S THINGS?

I INVITED ANGELICA OVER TODAY,

AND I WANT TO SHOW HER THAT I'M SERIOUS.

-THAT'S A HUGE STEP ON IT OWN. -SURE, IT IS.

BUT WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE ALL THIS STUFF?

IT'S BEEN YEARS.

I'M SO READY FOR ALL HER STUFF TO BE GONE.

YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO DO SOME SNOOPING AROUND.

WE KNOW, BABY.

-HI, HONEY. -HEY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.

I WANTED TO BE HERE.

I CAN UNDERSTAND LOVING YOUR DAUGHTER,

BUT, MY GOD, SHE'S GOING WAY, WAY BEYOND THAT.

OKAY, WELL, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH?

WELL, SHE GAVE ME A LIST. I HAVE TO RIFLE THROUGH

AND SEE IF I CAN FIND THE STUFF THAT SHE WANTS.

UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO?

HE'S CLEARLY HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING, GIRL.

I COULD SEE MAYBE LIKE FIVE THINGS OFF OF HERE,

EVERYTHING ELSE, GET RID OF IT.

I MEAN, REALLY?

YOU DRAW THE LINE AT FIVE, ANGELICA?

I WOULD HAVE DRAWN THE LINE AT ONE.

Angelica: IT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS THAT SHE'S ASKING

FOR THESE ITEMS ON A LIST THAT SHE CREATED.

SHE CAN COME OVER HERE HER DAMN SELF

AND PICK UP HER STUFF.

THE INTERESTING THING IS WITH YOU,

YOU WOULD DO ONE THING,

BUT YOU ALWAYS DID HALF-ASSED THINGS.

YOU WOULD NEVER COMPLETE THEM.

THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO BACK-STEP AGAIN

AND THEN WE WOULD HAVE TO WAIT AGAIN.

OKAY, FINE, LET'S GET THE [BLEEP] ON THE LIST.

I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH HER [BLEEP].

GO AWAY.

SHE NEEDS TO GO AWAY IS RIGHT.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN START? SERIOUSLY?

YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT GIRLS' FASHION THAN I DO.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE.

THIS LOOKS LIKE UNDERCLOTHES ALL IN HERE.

Angelica: ARE THOSE CLEAN?

UGH!

YEAH, JUST GO FIND HER THONGS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

FIND HER LINGERIE.

AND I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE SEEING HER PANTIES AND BRAS

AND HER UNDERCLOTHES.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

ANGELICA, YOU KNEW IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU CAN'T BE MAD ABOUT IT NOW.

WELL, YOU LOVE HIM, SO DO IT FOR HIM JUST TO DO IT.

I'M NOT DIGGING THIS SMELL. TRY NOT TO INHALE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TOUCHING HER --

YOUR EX'S [BLEEP] STUFF.

YOU NEED TO GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

CUT IT, ANGELICA.

Sunhe: YOU'RE PUTTING UP WITH A LOT OF [BLEEP] TO BE WITH HIM.

TODAY WAS THE PROOF

THAT JASON IS NOT PUTTING ANGELICA'S FEELINGS FIRST.

I THINK FINALLY ANGELICA IS SEEING

WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HER.

IT WAS THE CONSTANT PATTERN OF YOUR BEHAVIOR --

GOING FORWARD, BACKWARDS, FORWARDS, BACKWARDS.

AND YOU WONDERED WHY I PUSHED SO HARD.

THAT'S WHY.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE EXPERIENCE.

I JUST HAD TO DO IT MY WAY. BUT I GOT IT DONE.

SO ULTIMATELY, YOU STILL WON. YOU STILL GOT ANGELICA.

AND WE'RE FAMILY NOW.

[ INHALES ] MM.

OH, BOY. [ LAUGHS ]

♪♪

♪ SO I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF ♪

CARLY IS GOING ON A DATE,

AND SHE WON'T TELL US WHERE SHE'S GOING.

WE HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW HER,

WATCH THE DATE, AND SEE HOW IT GOES.

-WHAT IS SHE WEARING? -LOOK!

OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT SWEATER.

THE JACKET.

WHY DID I EVER WEAR THAT SHIRT?

IT'S THE WORST.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN-LIKE-COGNITO.

HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE INCOGNITO WEARING THAT?

YOU LOOK LIKE A HUMAN PIÑATA.

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WOULD WEAR.

YOU GOT TO WEAR ALL BLACK, PUT A FACE MASK ON, A HAT.

IT LOOKS LIKE -- LIKE...

LIKE FROM THE '70s.

YOU'RE DANCING, YOU KNOW, LIKE...

[ SNAPPING ] [ LAUGHS ]

STAY IN. Carly: HI.

OH, OH, OH, MY GOD, I HEAR HER.

UH-OH. OH, THERE THEY ARE.

-SHE'S RIGHT THERE. -HIDE!

"HIDE!" HOW COULD YOU HIDE WITH THAT SWEATER?

THAT'S ACTUALLY PROBABLY FUN.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE A LITTLE FLY ON THE WALL ON HER DATE.

YOU TOLD HER TO FaceTime YOU.

YEAH, BUT I'M HERE. SO WHAT?

SHE'S NOT GONNA KNOW. SHE'S --

SHE'S NOT GONNA HEAR THE BOWLING BALL?

NO! THIS IS TOO FUNNY.

♪♪

LOOK AT HER FACE.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHY IS SHE NOT ANSWERING?"

SHE'S PISSED.

ALL RIGHT.

[ PHONE RINGING ] LET ME MAKE SURE.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER THAT.

OOH!

OH, MY GOD, SHE'S NOT GOING TO ANSWER IT.

-OF COURSE, SHE'S ON A DATE! -SHE'S ON A DATE!

DECLINE!

IF I COULD REACH THROUGH THE TV

AND STRANGLE HER RIGHT NOW, I WOULD.

[ CHAIR SCRAPS ] OH, MY GOD.

OH!

OH, SEE? OH, LORD.

I FREAKIN' KNEW IT. I KNEW IT, MAN.

WOW.

OF COURSE. SHE COULD SEE HER FROM 10 MILES AWAY.

JUST STAND UP, OWN IT.

NO, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. JUST PRETEND

LIKE WE DON'T KNOW. MOM.

I WOULD HAVE NOT GOTTEN CAUGHT,

BUT NO, I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET,

JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. YET. THAT'S THE KEY WORD.

♪♪

IF I WAS CARLY, I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOSH, GET AWAY FROM ME."

ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MY GOSH, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

[ LAUGHING ]

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU DID THAT.

MAYBE IT WOULD BE BEST IF, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU WENT HOME FOR A LITTLE BIT.

"COULD YOU PACK YOUR BAGS AND HIT THE ROAD?"

YOU'VE GOT A NEW BEST FRIEND.

OH, MY GOSH. THE GUILT TRIP IS REAL WITH THIS ONE.

♪ CAN'T WAIT NO LONGER ♪

♪ I WANNA GIVE YOU MY HEART ♪

MY MOM LOVES BEING WITH ME,

AND I THINK SHE LOVES EVEN MORE NOW BEING WITH BELLE,

BUT JARED WANTS TO BE WITH JUST THE THREE OF US.

BUT I HAVEN'T TOLD MY MOM YET THAT IT'S TIME FOR HER TO GO.

THERE IS THE BEST BABY EVER. BEST BABY EVER.

NO WONDER WHY THEY WANT TO BE HOME WITH HER.

THEY GOT THE BEST BABY EVER.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO OUT FOR AN HOUR TONIGHT?

YOU CAN HAVE SOME TIME.

IT'S SO HARD WITH THE BABY. WE JUST GOT HER, THOUGH.

"WE'RE NOT TIRED OF HER YET."

Both: "WE JUST GOT HER."

YOU'VE BEEN SO HELPFUL AND SO KIND TO BE THERE

AND TO, LIKE, HELP US AND SUPPORT US --

OF COURSE. THAT'S WHAT A MOTHER'S ABOUT.

LET ME TALK, THOUGH.

YEAH. OH.

OH, BOY.

THEY'RE LOOKING AT HER LIKE, "PLEASE GO."

SHE'S JUST GOING TO CRY.

LIKE, IF YOU TELL HER THE TRUTH,

SHE'S GOING TO CRY. SHE'S GOING TO CRY --

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, SHE'S GOING TO CRY,

SO JUST GET IT OVER WITH.

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD MIMI AND YOU'VE BEEN REALLY SO WONDERFUL.

WE'RE SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.

"YOU'RE A GOOD MIMI AND A GOOD MOM."

JARED AND I WERE TALKING AND THINK WE REALLY NEED

TO HAVE OUR TIME, JUST THE THREE OF US.

SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO I MEAN"?

SHE DOESN'T GET IT, I DON'T THINK.

I KNOW DADDY'S LEAVING TONIGHT

AND I THINK THAT MAYBE IT'D BE BEST

IF, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WENT HOME FOR A LITTLE BIT.

"COULD YOU PACK YOUR BAGS AND HIT THE ROAD?"

"COULD YOU HITCH A RIDE WITH DADDY?"

YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD HER

SO SHE HAD ENOUGH TIME TO PLAN TO LEAVE.

OH, OKAY. I JUST THOUGHT I WAS HELPING YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

THEY NEED THE BABY TIME.

AND WE'LL NEED A BREAK, WE DON'T NEED A BREAK...

RIGHT NOW. ...FIRST WEEK OF HAVING HER.

SHE SAID THAT VERY NICELY.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW BEST FRIEND.

Cher: I HAVE ANOTHER BEST FRIEND.

OH, MY GOSH. THE GUILT TRIP IS REAL WITH THIS ONE.

LIKE, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF SHE TOOK THE BABY WITH HER,

OR TRIED TO.

"SO I'M GONNA TAKE THE BABY."

"WITH ME. BYE."

WE LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR US.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR MOM'S FEELINGS.

SO I GET WHERE CHER'S COMING FROM.

IT WOULD HURT ME, BUT I THINK I WOULD HANDLE IT DIFFERENTLY.

[ LAUGHING ]

I GUESS WE'LL SEE.

[ LAUGHS ]

♪♪

I'M SO EXCITED TODAY THAT YOU FINALLY AGREED

TO COME WITH ME TO THE BOOB DOCTOR.

THE BOOB DOCTOR?

WE'VE DONE THAT BEFORE. HUH, BABY?

I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE DOESN'T MEAN

THAT SHE HAS TO HAVE ONE.

I SAID IT WOULD BE NICE IF WE HAD MATCHING BOOBS

AND THEN THAT WAY, LIKE, OUR CLOTHES,

WE COULD BUY ALL THE SAME STUFF

IT'S ONE THING HAVING MATCHING CLOTHES,

BUT ANOTHER THING HAVING...

Both: MATCHING BOOBS!

THAT'S A LITTLE OVER THE TOP. THAT'S TOO MUCH.

MINE ARE FAKE, TOO.

MINE A REAL...FOR NOW.

WE'RE PROBABLY THE ONLY ONES THAT DON'T HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY.

THANK GOODNESS. I'M GLAD. WE'RE ALL NATURAL.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER SEEN

A DOCTOR TOGETHER LIKE THIS.

FOR A SURGERY, YEAH. RIGHT.

BUT WE WE'VE SEEN DOCTORS TOGETHER.

WE GO TO THE SAME GYNECOLOGIST.

YEAH, SO DO WE.

WE GO TO THE SAME DENTIST. THAT'S DIFFERENT.

THAT'S TEETH, HONEY. [ LAUGHS ] I KNOW.

I HAD BREAST IMPLANTS DONE TWO YEARS AGO.

UH-HUH. I BROUGHT ALONG MY MOM

BECAUSE I WANT US TO HAVE MATCHING BOOBS.

[ LAUGHS ] HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE CRAZY."

HE'S LIKE, "UH...NO."

THE SAME OR EXACTLY -- NOT, MAYBE NOT?

[ SCOFFS ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THAT.

THIS DOCTOR WAS PROBABLY LIKE, "WACKO!"

YEAH, HE PROBABLY COULDN'T WAIT TO GET RID OF US.

IF WE GET A BOOB JOB.

YOU KNOW, I WANT MY BOOBS TO LOOK JUST LIKE YOURS.

WHO CARES?

-ARE YOU READY? -SHOULD WE?

HANG ON TO YOUR CHAIR 'CAUSE THEY MIGHT KNOCK YOU OFF.

BABY. OH!

[ LAUGHS ] LIKE, AH!

SHE'S LIKE, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!

OH, MY GOD.

-I GOT THE VOLUME YOU HAVE... -YES.

...YOU CUT OUT THE EXTRA SKIN...

-YEAH. -...AND THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE.

-SEE? -AND THAT WOULD BE --

-HOW BAD IS THAT? -NOT BAD.

I WANT TO GET A PAIR.

I KNOW. WE'LL WORK ON THAT.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I'M UP FOR THIS YET.

BUT HE HAD TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, LIKE,

I MEAN, HE EXPLAINED -- HE DID. HE EXPLAINED IT.

I JUST DON'T THINK I'M UP FOR IT RIGHT NOW.

OH, YOU JUST LOVE SHOWING OFF YOUR BOOBS.

SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO SEE 'EM.

YOU WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE YOURS.

I DON'T CARE. THEY'RE BOOBS.

I'VE NEVER FELT AN AUGMENTED BREAST

THAT FELT NICE.

WHOSE FAKE BOOBS HAVE YOU BEEN TOUCHING?

I'VE HAD SOME FRIENDS IN THE PAST

THAT HAVE AUGMENTATION OF THE BREAST

AND YOU JUST FEEL THEIR BOOBS?

WELL...

♪♪

I AM PISSED THAT ZACH DID NOT SHOW UP.

I WANT TO RIP HIS HEAD OFF AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS.

SHE'S GONNA SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS.

SHOVE IT UP THE ASS.

PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT, GIRL.

THAT WORKS EVERY TIME. [ LAUGHS ]

♪♪

O.M.G., GIRL.

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS SHE WEARING?

YOU BETTER NEVER TALK ABOUT WHAT I WEAR.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE PIÑATA SWEATER.

MARIAH TALKED ME INTO GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE WITH HER.

HOW OLD IS THIS DUDE AGAIN?

IN HIS LATE 20s.

I WANTED TO MAKE HER COMFORTABLE,

SO I TOLD HER A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

SHE THINKS THE DATE KNOWS THAT SHE'S MY MOM.

HOPEFULLY IT DOESN'T COME UP

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO FREAK OUT.

WHAT? SHE DID THAT TO HER MOM?

OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THEY'RE SUPER YOUNG, LIKE MARIAH'S AGE.

Sandra: WHICH ONE'S MINE? WHICH ONE'S MINE?

DID YOU HEAR? "WHICH ONE'S MINE?

WHICH ONE'S MINE?" YOU'RE THE [BLEEP] MOTHER!

THIS IS REALLY ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

NO!

THEY LOOK LIKE HIGH SCHOOLERS.

HE'S GOT A BACKPACK. [ LAUGHS ]

I APPRECIATE YOU.

YOU KNOW I GOT YOU, MY GUY, MY G.

DOES THAT KID HAVE BRACES?

BRACES? HE STILL HAS HIS BABY TEETH.

[ LAUGHS ]

MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF SANDRA,

OF COURSE, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

I CAN TELL SHE WAS A LITTLE OLDER

THAN I AM. SEASONED.

LITTLE SEASONED, YEAH. LITTLE SEASONING SALT.

SHE'S SEASONED. THAT'S A NEW WAY OF SAYING IT.

I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. I LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL USE THAT FROM NOW ON. SHE'S SEASONED.

SO HAVE YOU MEASURED THEM, THOUGH?

HAVE YOU MEASURED THEM UP? OHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE MUSCLES.

OH, I WAS HOPING THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SORRY. THIS IS NOT A NORMAL FREAKING CONVERSATION FOR A MOM

TO HAVE WITH HER DAUGHTER NEXT TO HER.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT ALL THIS.

SHE'S JUST BEEN PUTTING ME UP TO STUFF.

SO HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

OH, BOY.

SO AWKWARD.

-WHAT? -HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FRIENDS?

MY WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME.

WHO'S GOING TO SPILL THE BEANS?

WHERE'D Y'ALL MEET?

SHE JUST GOT CAUGHT IN A LIE.

SHE BETRAYED HER MOTHER.

UH... THIS IS AWKWARD.

YEAH. HOW DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

UM...

LOOK AT THAT FACE! [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S MY MOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AS HE CHOKES.

THAT'S STRANGE. THAT'S WEIRD.

IT BLEW MY MIND, I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THE MOTHER."

YOU DIDN'T TELL THEM?

Y'ALL FOR REAL? Y'ALL SERIOUS?

-YEAH. -THAT'S YOUR MOTHER?

YEAH. YEAH.

OH, OH! THAT'S CRAZY TO ME!

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.

SHE AMBUSHED HER MOM. THAT'S NOT --

YEAH, THAT'S NOT COOL.

CHEERS TO MARIAH AND HER SNEAKY ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ] "SNEAKY ASS!"

COME ON, YOU GUYS KNEW I WAS OLDER AND STUFF.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER MAMA.

-REALLY? -NAH, LOOK AT YOU.

UH-OH. OH, HE'S CHANGING.

HE'S GOING IN.

Both: LOOK AT YOU.

[ LAUGHING ] OHH!

YA HEARD?

OH, HE'S LIKE "SEASONED UP!

YOU ARE SEASONED UP!"

THIS IS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.

SHE MIGHT BE PICKING UP THE BILL.

I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT HOW WELL THIS DATE IS GOING.

IN FACT, I THINK MY MOM'S DATE IS KIND OF INTO HER.

I WANT YOU TO GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE HONORS FOR ME, THOUGH.

OH, THERE -- YEAH. NICE AND SLOW WITH IT.

-YES, YES. -COME ON.

COME ON, DON'T LAUGH NOW.

OH, HE'S FEELING HER NOW.

HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.

HE GOT YOU. YEAH.

HE KNOWS NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION,

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE FEED PEOPLE.

YEAH. WHOA. IT'S LIKE THAT.

MMM!

MMM!

[ LAUGHING ]

MMM! THAT FOOD WAS GOOD.

[ LAUGHING ]

TAKE THAT AND EAT IT. TAKE IT AND EAT IT.

PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH, GIRL.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'D BE LIKE, "OKAY, PUT THE FORK DOWN, HONEY."

"BEFORE I STAB YOU WITH IT."

-HOPE GUYS HAD A GOOD TIME. -GREAT.

CUTIE PIES.

MM, THOSE ARMS, THOUGH.

-BYE. -BYE.

HOLY [BLEEP]

♪ ONE, TWO, THREE AND ONE, TWO, THREE ♪

♪ I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHO I SHOULD BE ♪

Brittani: HEY, MOM, CAN YOU HELP ME?

MY MOM IS THROWING ME A HUGE GRADUATION PARTY

SINCE I JUST GRADUATED THE CORRECTIONAL ACADEMY.

OH, GOOD FOR HER.

SO VERY NICE. ALL DRESSED UP.

BUT I'M NERVOUS BECAUSE THERE IS THIS GUY NAMED ZACH

THAT I REALLY LIKE,

AND I REALLY HOPE HE COMES TO MY PARTY.

YEAH, LET'S SEE THIS ZACH CHARACTER.

YEAH. LET'S SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

WOW!

[ CHEERING ] NICE PARTY.

YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

OOH, IS THAT AN OPEN BAR?

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, HUH?

♪ ALL THE BOYS WONDERING JUST WHO I AM ♪

♪ THEY ASK AND ASK AND THEY BE DOWN ♪

♪ WITH MY PROGRAM ♪

WHERE'S ZACH?

HE'S NOT HERE YET. I DON'T KNOW. MOM --

HE SAID HE COMING, DIDN'T HE? MOM, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW WOULD I -- CAN YOU TEXT HIM?

MOM, I TEXTED HIM. IT DIDN'T DELIVER.

DAMN, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU TEXT HIM?

WHY DIDN'T IT GO THROUGH?

BRITTANI WENT TO TEXT ZACH, AND IT DIDN'T GO THROUGH.

SO I ACTUALLY HAD MY FRIEND DAWN TEXT HIM,

AND IT WENT THROUGH. HE BLOCKED HER.

[ SCOFFS ]

THEN FORGET HIM.

RIGHT. YOU'RE MAKING THE NIGHT ABOUT HIM, NOT HER.

-RIGHT. -HE'S GOT YOU BLOCKED.

THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER'S [BLEEP] GRADUATION PARTY...

AND YOU SAY THIS TO HER.

Both: "ZACH BLOCKED YOU."

EVEN IF THAT'S TRUE, WHY WOULD YOU RUIN HER PARTY?

-STOP TALKING ABOUT THE GUY. -YEAH, STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? UGH, IF HE BLOCKED HER,

THEN HE'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH GUY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

RIGHT. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT THAT GUY?

THIS IS WHERE MOMS MAKE THEIR DAUGHTERS INSECURE.

INSECURE. LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN.

YEAH, AND YOU'RE NOT WANTED.

I'D BE LIKE, NEXT!

I AM PISSED THAT ZACH DID NOT SHOW UP.

HE HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL HER HE WAS GOING TO SHOW UP

AT THIS PARTY AND JUST IGNORE HER.

I WANT TO RIP HIS HEAD OFF AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS

SHE'S GONNA SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS.

SHOVE IT UP THE ASS.

PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT, GIRL.

THAT WORKS EVERY TIME.

BRITTANI, COME HERE, HONEY.

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

NOW WHAT? LEAVE HER ALONE.

UH-OH, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

NOW I NEED TO KNOW, WHAT IS SHE GOING TO SAY?

"YO, ZACH DIDN'T COME,

SO WE'RE GOING TO STOP THE PARTY."

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT,

AND I DON'T WANT TO CRY

BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL MOMENT FOR ME.

AW!

I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT BRITTANI

HAD A GASTRIC SLEEVE DONE ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

OH, MY GOD.

SHE'S TAKEN OFF ALMOST 100 POUNDS.

[ GASPS ] [ APPLAUSE ]

OH, MY GOSH.

BRITTANI'S WANTED A TUMMY TUCK

BECAUSE SHE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT

THAT SHE HAS A LOT OF LOOSE SKIN AROUND HER TUMMY.

TO MAKE THAT ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE GRADUATION?

THESE KIDS ARE LIKE, "WHAT?"

I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT

I'M GOING TO BE PAYING FOR YOUR TUMMY TUCK.

POOR BRITTANI.

AND NEXT SHE'S GOING TO SAY, "AND BY THE WAY,

THE GUY SHE HAS A MAD CRUSH ON HAS BLOCKED HER.

SO PLEASE GIVE BRITTANI A LITTLE

EXTRA ATTENTION TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.

SHE'S HAD A COLON CLEANSE.

BUT I JUST WANT EVERYBODY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

IT'S SO FUN TO WATCH

AND SEE DIFFERENT MOM AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS.

AND LIKE, I FEEL LIKE ALENA AND HER MOM

ARE JUST SO ADORABLE. AND I FEEL LIKE SARAH

IS SOMEBODY I COULD BE FRIENDS WITH.

I DON'T NECESSARILY AGREE WITH EVERYONE'S RELATIONSHIP,

BUT TO EACH THEIR OWN.

EVERYONE'S DIFFERENT. EVERYONE'S DIFFERENT.

I DO LIKE SANDRA AND MARIAH.

THEY REMIND ME SO MUCH OF WHEN I WAS SINGLE

AND YOU WERE SINGLE AND WE WERE LIVING THE LIFE.

KATHY AND CRISTINA, YEAH. WE WOULD FIT RIGHT IN.

I THINK EVERYONE'S JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

-YEAH, I DO TOO. -I THINK WE GOT IT DOWN RIGHT.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

I'D LIKE TO, YOU KNOW, MEET THEM ALL AND...

HAVE A PARTY.

LET'S HAVE A PARTY. JUST WITH WOMEN.

OH, YOU AND JUST WOMEN.

MOM! MOM! MOM!

I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE ABOUT IT.