Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,879
http://Scene-RLS.net
2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,879
Stuart! I want to share every
beautiful moment together. I think
we need to get you to the hospital.
3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,799
Dad! Stuart. This is Igor.Yep.
4
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,039
Can you ask Kate
if she'll come over?
5
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,159
That's probably a bad idea.
Please!
6
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,359
April's gone into labour.
7
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,719
It's a bit bloke heavy.
She wondered if you could pop over.
8
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,999
Oh, don't be so ridiculous. Why
would she want your ex-wife gawping
up her chuff?
9
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,919
Mum says you're having
a midlife crisis.
10
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,759
I'm not the one with the yellow
Lamborghini.
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,719
No, you're the one dyeing your beard
and dating someone 20 years younger.
12
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,719
You're a strong, powerful,
independent woman, just like me.
13
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,959
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
14
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,719
Uncle Charlie's here.
15
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:37,799
Surprise!
16
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,199
I think the police might
be after me.
17
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,759
You're going to end up
back in prison.
18
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,599
If I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
19
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,719
What's that supposed to mean?
You're a wedding DJ.
20
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,799
How do you think you got the
mortgage on this place?
21
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,919
I didn't. You did. Did I?
22
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,439
WHIMPERING
23
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,799
What the fuck are you doing?!
24
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:54,839
Cut my thumb off.
25
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,999
Oh, dear me, Ted, put some clothes
on. I can see your aubergine.
26
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,119
Where's the thumb?
Where did you last see it?
27
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,719
On my fucking hand, you moron!
28
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:02,879
BRAKES SQUEAL
29
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,679
Shit. Charlie.
30
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,039
Take me to hospital!
This is no longer beautiful!
31
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,119
With you in a minute.
32
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,999
He's not here.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
33
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,799
And even if I had seen him,
which I haven't,
34
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,719
I'd have been
straight on the phone to you guys.
35
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,119
He's there. What?
36
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,519
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
37
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,999
What's happening, dude? Dad got
pissed and broke into a farm.
38
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,839
Can you take my girlfriend?
Why?
39
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,519
I'm having a baby.
40
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,559
This is the best day of my life!
41
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:28,760
Yep.
42
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,120
FIRE ALARM BEEPING
BABY CRYING
43
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,279
Come on!
44
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,479
Stop it!
45
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,520
Shit!
46
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,639
Shit, shit, shit!
47
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,679
Oh, you stupid bastard.
48
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,800
Not you, sweetheart.
49
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,039
Oh, look...
50
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,359
..bad noise all gone away,
hasn't it?
51
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,439
All gone away now.
52
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,160
- BABY CRIES
- No, no, no, no.
53
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:11,759
# Shush, little Bertha,
don't say a word
54
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:12,799
# Daddy's... #
55
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,039
Bollocks!
56
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,479
Oh, come on!
No, no, no, no. No more tears.
57
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,479
Daddy Bear's got to make everything
right with Mummy Bear, otherwise
58
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,439
Mummy Bear's going to leave the cave
and take Baby Bear with her.
59
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,399
You found the batteries
for the alarm, then.
60
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:25,999
Stop taking them out!
61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,319
I need peace
and quiet to smoke a bong.
62
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,599
I've told you, bong in the shed.
Shh...
63
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,559
Where's the cucumber?!
64
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,959
I need to fix my puffy eyes.
65
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,639
April's going to be here in
a minute. You promised me you'd be
gone.
66
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,199
This...
67
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,239
..takes time.
68
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,679
She's sick of seeing you naked.
69
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,039
Why do you think she walked out?
70
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,679
Needed to go back to school?
71
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,079
She's 28.
72
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,199
All right. Since you asked,
73
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,799
you're always wanging on about
your dicky bowels,
74
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,079
you're a shite chef,
75
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,799
and you ruined your anniversary.
76
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:53,919
Whose side are you on?
77
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,439
Oh, stop your flapping.
78
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,719
Whenever your mother was pissed off,
I'd buy her a Yorkie bar
79
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,239
and have a go at sex.
80
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,999
BABY CRIES
81
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,719
Shh...
82
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,440
BABY STOPS CRYING
83
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,320
- Unbelievable.
- CAR HORN BEEPS
84
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,039
Oh, God, she's here! Hurry up!
85
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,640
I can't leave without
doing my spray tan.
86
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,080
OK.
87
00:03:20,081 --> 00:03:21,719
TAKES A DEEP BREATH
88
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:22,839
Hey...
89
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,039
..welcome home, Mummy Bear.
90
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,359
Hi.
91
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,239
You look great. Thanks.
92
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,359
You look very pale.
93
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,999
No, I'm fine. Totally fine.
94
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,799
Say hello to Mummy.
95
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,199
Doesn't she look pretty?
96
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,879
Say, "I missed you, Mummy Bear."
97
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,279
Hello, sweetheart.
98
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,719
Did you have a nice time with Daddy?
99
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,400
- BABY VOICE
- No, a bit teary, Mummy.
100
00:03:39,403 --> 00:03:41,359
A bit shouty.
101
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,399
Me and Daddy Bear missed you
so much.
102
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,439
Did you manage to...
103
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,280
- NORMAL VOICE
- Sorry. Did you manage to relax?
104
00:03:47,281 --> 00:03:48,359
It wasn't a holiday, Stu.
105
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,679
No.
106
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,799
How was the spa?
107
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,239
Amazing. The shiatsus were insane.
108
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,359
Great. Did Baby Bear sleep?
109
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,439
Not at night.
110
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,279
Oh, you poor thing.
111
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,519
CHARLIE CLEARS HIS THROAT
112
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,919
Can Uncle Bear go now?
113
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,159
Get the bags.
114
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,519
You're wearing the dream catcher.
I thought you hated it.
115
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:05,719
No, I love it.
116
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,640
I haven't taken it off
since you left.
117
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,240
I'll go and put her down.
118
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,799
Thanks for picking up April.
119
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,599
So how did she seem?
Did she talk about me?
120
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,439
I dunno, I had the footy on.
121
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,560
Can I have me cash now?
122
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,999
How can you afford
a five-star hotel?
123
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,239
I can't, really.
124
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,679
Women, eh? Expensive tastes.
125
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,919
That's why I stay single.
126
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,119
Yeah. That's why.
127
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,559
Are you still all right to look
after Bertha for a couple of hours?
Eh?
128
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,799
You said you could babysit.
129
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,319
Are you sure that was me?
Charlie! I've got plans.
130
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,959
What plans?
131
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,279
40 quid. A fiver.
132
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,439
Deal.
133
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,160
That makes you look like a wanker.
134
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,799
Wait! Wait, wait!
135
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,279
Close your eyes.
136
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,079
Stu, you haven't done anything
special, have you?
137
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,760
Close your eyes.
138
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,240
Ta-da!
139
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,439
Oh, you've gone to so much trouble.
140
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,199
Yep.
141
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,959
God, is that your IBS?
142
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,119
No, it's lunch.
143
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,319
Take a seat.
144
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,920
I'll pour you a drink.
145
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,280
Thanks.Pleasure.
146
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,519
Do you like it?
147
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,199
It's lush. Bloke in the shop said
it goes great with fish.
148
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,479
Oh, we're having fish?
149
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,079
No. Beef.
150
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,439
April. Lovely to have you back.
151
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:35,799
Dad, what do you want?
152
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,599
Ross Kemp On Gangs.
153
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,959
How do you series link?
We're in the middle of something.
154
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,999
I'm not missing my fix
of the bald beast just
155
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,559
because you two have had a wee tiff.
156
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,959
It was more than just a tiff,
Willie.
157
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,239
How was your holiday?
158
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,359
It wasn't a holiday.
159
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,079
It was a time for reflection
and rejuvenation.
160
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,839
Aye. A holiday.
161
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,599
Right, it's done now. Can you go?
162
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:55,799
As you wish.
163
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,079
This anus won't bleach itself.
164
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,199
Oh, Christ!
165
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,679
I have told him.
166
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,759
Look, you know that I think that
Willie is bonkers-tastic,
167
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,319
but it's just we do have Bertha to
consider. I know.
168
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,519
And he's always got so many randoms
up there.
169
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,239
I mean, there was an Amazon delivery
man in his room for two days,
170
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,119
and the noises! Mmm.
171
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,600
But, look, this isn't about Willie.
172
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,439
I'm really sorry
I spoilt the anniversary.
173
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,999
I know you are. But if you'd just
listen to me in the first place,
174
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,839
you wouldn't keep having
panic attacks.
175
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,919
I'm not used to camping.
Glamping.
176
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,519
Go and see my spiritualist.
177
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,719
You can't cure panic attacks
with crystals.
178
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,279
We've been through this.
179
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,999
You can.
180
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,039
I don't know, I miss the Stuart that
I met in Magaluf.
181
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,799
The one who bought me chips
and stole a pedalo.
182
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,599
I only said I stole it to look sexy.
183
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,359
Exactly. You were impulsive.
184
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,760
And it feels like you've...
185
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,039
..given up on life.
186
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,239
We've got a baby.
I've been awake for three days.
187
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,439
I know plenty of people with babies,
and they still manage to have fun.
188
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,879
Really, it's what nannies are for.
189
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,919
Please, not nannies now.
We can't afford it.
190
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,399
It's not about the money.
191
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,679
It's about finding out who
we really are.
192
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,199
Diving into the unknown.
Seizing the day.
193
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,359
I do seize the day.
194
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,479
I grew this cos you
said it'd make me look hip.
195
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:08,879
And it does.
196
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,159
You look so natty.
197
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,559
But...
198
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,999
..it's not enough.
199
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,599
Do you want me to wax something?
200
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,360
BERTHA CRIES
201
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,039
I... No. You don't need to.
Charlie's looking after her.
202
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,199
Is he charging you again?
203
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,239
No.
204
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,639
He doesn't even pay rent!
205
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,839
No wonder we can't afford a nanny.
I know, but I owe him.
206
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,359
He sorted out the mortgage for me.
207
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,879
Doesn't mean it's his house.
208
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,799
I'm just going to give her
some fresh air.
209
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:33,999
Have you got her milk?
210
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,799
No, I finished it. Charlie...
211
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,000
Joke!
212
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,519
I would have asked Kate to look
after her, but... I do like Kate,
213
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,279
but she's your ex-wife.
214
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,079
And she's great
and everything, you know,
215
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,039
so much energy for someone of
her age, but...
216
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,679
..it's just that I'm yin
217
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,519
and she is incredibly yang,
218
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,519
and I just don't think it's
a good idea for Bertha
219
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,359
to be around so much yang.
220
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:56,600
Do you?
221
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,359
You hungry?
222
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,239
Starving. Charlie ate my breakfast.
223
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,360
Lunch?
224
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,640
Oh, God...
225
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,080
You piss off.
226
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,640
Oh...
227
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,439
Hummus and baby sausages.
228
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,039
I thought we were having beef.
229
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,719
Beef's a bit...
230
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:01,840
..black.
231
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,479
So this is lunch?
232
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,319
Yeah.
233
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,599
DOOR CLOSES
234
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:09,840
Out like a light.
235
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,640
MUFFLED: I like that.
236
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,879
You not having any?
237
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,399
It just looks a bit...
238
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,719
..yucky.
239
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:33,760
Right.
240
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,079
I know.
241
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,599
Why don't we have chips?
242
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,400
Chips? Yeah, fuck it!
243
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,199
Leave it with me.
244
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,400
Back in a minute.
245
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,440
WATER GURGLING
246
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,239
Nothing.
247
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,399
Dad, shed!
248
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,839
I'm not an animal!
249
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,039
I'm busy, Stu.
I need you to go to the chippy.
250
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,279
I'm baby-sitting.
Well, I'll listen out for her.
251
00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,599
What's in it for the C-man?
252
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,039
Don't call yourself that.
253
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,919
20 quid.
It won't cost that much.
254
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,119
That's just my fee.
255
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,279
Plus 20 quid for the chips.
256
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,559
Come on, Stu!
257
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:07,920
All right, fine.
258
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:10,599
Two cod and chips.
259
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,119
Ooh... That hotel breakfast never
really touched the sides.
260
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,999
Oh, Jesus! And whatever you're
having. Ta very much.
261
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,719
Big chips and a pair of saveloy.
262
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,840
The PIN number's...
Yeah, I know what it is.
263
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,280
Chips are on the way.
264
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,999
Look, Stuart... Mmm!
265
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,919
..I'm not sure that...
266
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:31,960
..this...
267
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,240
..is going to fix things.
268
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,399
Maybe we need some proper
time apart.
269
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,239
No.
270
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,359
I really want this to work.
271
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,439
I know things haven't been great,
and I'm sorry...
272
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,399
BARRY, SHOUTING: You ruined my
weekend, woman!
273
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,719
SANDY, SHOUTING: Oh, grow up!
I just want you to be happy.
274
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,799
I was looking forward to a cocktail
and an alfresco soak.
275
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:52,959
Have a bath!
276
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,479
I want us to be a team.
277
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,639
I need you.
278
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:56,759
It's not the same.
279
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,239
I want to feel the breeze!
280
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,759
I don't want to lose another family.
281
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,199
Then why don't you blow yourself?
282
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,079
It's always about sex with you!
283
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,399
You've got sex on the brain!
284
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,799
I promise I will try and find more
time for us to meditate together.
285
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,959
Kiss my ass!
286
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,999
Oh, God, they never stop!
I'll deal with it.
287
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,959
You said you weren't going to drink
after you popped your hip.
288
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,359
I wasn't drunk,
I was having a diabetic episode.
289
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,959
Because you were drunk.
290
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,519
I've got a gippy pancreas.
291
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,799
And you're drunk now!
292
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,479
So what?
293
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:28,959
Can you keep it down, please?
294
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,199
Talk to him!
295
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,399
What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on,
296
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,759
I was planning an afternoon of
bubbles and Campari in the hot tub,
297
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,399
and she threw a great big
spanner in the works.
298
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,519
It's my hot tub too!
299
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,239
I'm bloody leasing it!
300
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,079
I shouldn't have to share it
with Ted's lobsters.
301
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:49,799
You'd think a fish salesman would
have somewhere to keep his fish!
302
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,879
Why is Ted keeping
lobsters in your...?
303
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,079
Look, forget it.
304
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,559
Please keep the noise down.
305
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,399
I'm trying to save my
relationship, here.
306
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,479
Let me give you some advice, Stu.
307
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,999
Make sure you listen to her body.
308
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,519
Oh, dial it back, woman.
309
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,040
Suck my dick!
310
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,079
Snazzy dream catcher.Thanks.
311
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,439
If you have to do any more shouting,
could you do it inside?
312
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,560
Roger that.
313
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,199
Ted's put a load of lobsters...
I don't care.
314
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,279
Look, what can I do to make
things better?
315
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,919
I don't know.
316
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,039
You stopped being fun.
317
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,679
Spontaneous.
318
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,839
You were always doing silly stuff.
319
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,199
Like that thing that you used to do.
320
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,080
What thing? That thing.
321
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,120
ARMPIT SQUEAKS
322
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,280
What are you doing?
323
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,119
Stuart, a wee word.
324
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,960
Can it wait? No, it cannot.
325
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,239
What do you want?
Where's my hummus?
326
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,319
Was that my hummus?
Yes. I've eaten it.
327
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,999
Can you not read simple
instructions?
328
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,839
That was for my night out.
329
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,879
Dad, I am trying to
save my relationship.
330
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,479
I don't give a shit about hummus.
Just buy some more.
331
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:29,639
I can't buy some more.
332
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,319
That was my special hummus.
333
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,440
What are you talking about?
What do you think?
334
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,879
Oh, God, no.
335
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,119
Oh, yes.
336
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,879
Enough magic mushrooms in there
to kill a hippo.
337
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,199
But I've just eaten it all.
338
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,159
The lot? Yeah.
339
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,319
Oh, that's funny!
340
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,719
Why the fuck did you put
drugs in the hummus?
341
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,959
How else would you suggest I
spice up a salsa class?
342
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,559
Oh... Oh, God...
343
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,919
What's going to happen to me?
344
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,399
You'll be fine.
345
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,079
Will I? Aye.
346
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,799
You'll feel the insides of your mind
folding in on themselves
347
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,439
until you have the existential
realisation that your very soul
348
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,279
doesn't even exist.
349
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,039
I'd advise nappies.
350
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,399
Oh, God!
351
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,079
What about me and April?
352
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,439
Better work fast.
353
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,559
How could you be so irresponsible?!
354
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,679
You owe me 100 quid.
355
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,960
And that thing makes you
look like a tosspot.
356
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,919
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
357
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,799
Shit!
358
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,599
HE RETCHES
359
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,799
Stu, are you all right?
360
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,239
What are you doing?
361
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,679
Nothing.
362
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,319
Do you want...
363
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,999
..cheese? No, I'm fine.
364
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,440
I'll wait for the chips.
365
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,159
What's the matter?
366
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,559
I don't feel very well.
367
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,879
Oh, God. IBS?
368
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,039
Yep.
369
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,520
Can you give us a minute?
370
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,400
BONG GURGLING
371
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,559
Oh, pull yourself together, Stu.
372
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,960
How bad can it be?
373
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,000
LOUD, DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS
374
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,520
MUSIC: What Do You Want
by Adam Faith
375
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,719
You can hear that too, right?
376
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,879
I just don't think you're taking
this seriously.
377
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:43,999
Yes, I am.
378
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,239
Of course I am.
379
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,839
Please don't leave me.
Look, Stu...
380
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,159
I'll change. I promise.
381
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,719
SANDY, SHOUTING: Turn that shit off!
382
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,559
Oh, God, they're going to
wake up Bertha.No.
383
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,639
I'll check on her.
It's your day. You...
384
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,679
..relax.
I said, turn that shit off!
385
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,839
This shit got me
through my second divorce.
386
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,199
Well, right now
you're heading for a third.
387
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,280
What the fuck?
388
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,799
Oh, God!
389
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,239
Dad. Dad!
390
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,639
I'm busy. Is Bertha in there?
391
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,400
No! Oh, Christ!
392
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,600
Where the...?
393
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,999
Where are you? Where are you?
394
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,280
Oh, no!
395
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,799
Oh, God, no...
396
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,639
Oh, God...
It's always about what Sandy wants.
397
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:28,879
What about me?
398
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,279
Oh, don't be such
a big fucking baby!
399
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,919
I've had enough of this.
I'm ending it right now.
400
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,839
You don't joke about that
kind of thing.
401
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,599
Oh, I'm deadly serious!
402
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,479
Barry? Open this door.
403
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,639
You're scaring me.
404
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,039
Oh... No, no, no, no, no, no...
405
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,560
No, no, no!
406
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,039
You're here.
Charlie said you had gone out.
407
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,679
No. Why have you got Bertha?
He said he was at his wits' end.
408
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,759
For fuck's sake!
He's only had her for ten minutes.
409
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,999
Right. Well, you have to take her
back. Ted's on his way.
410
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,399
I've got to get these bloody
lobsters from Barry's hot tub.
411
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,439
Stuart, what are you doing?
Quick, give her here!
412
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,560
You're welcome.
413
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:05,799
She's fine.
414
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,839
I just brought her down... to
show you.
415
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,359
Show me what?
416
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,719
She's awake.
417
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,879
Great. Well done.
418
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,439
Why does Daddy Bear think it helps,
getting you out of bed?
419
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,399
Silly, stupid Daddy Bear.
420
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,599
Barry? Oh, God, Kate, do something!
421
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,440
- He won't answer me!
- DOORBELL RINGS
422
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,360
Stuart!
Oh, Christ, now what?
423
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,119
Oh, hi, Kate.
424
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:29,639
You need to get out here right now.
425
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,839
I think Barry's going to do
something stupid.
426
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,800
Stuart! Back in a minute!
427
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,959
Barry!
428
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,079
Please!
429
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,519
He just told me he's going
to end it.
430
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,719
Go and talk to him.
431
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:44,799
What about April?
432
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,159
We're on a day date.
433
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,319
A what?
434
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:48,879
Stuart, he's your friend.
435
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,959
Please, Stu.
436
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,799
I know he's an asshole,
but he's MY asshole.
437
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,440
Oh...
438
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,759
Barry, are you in there?
Of course he's bloody in there.
439
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,039
Barry, maybe don't do anything
silly, eh?
440
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,519
What's going on?
441
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:03,999
Barry's locked himself in his van.
442
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,559
He said he's going to end it.
443
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,599
Plum.
444
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,279
Got some fireworks in the loft.
Stick a rocket through the window -
445
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,759
that'll smoke him out.
Ted, it's not funny. Get him out.
446
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,479
Out the way, woman.
447
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,559
I've got this.
448
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,279
Fine. Knock yourself out.
449
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,439
Barry!
450
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,119
I'm sorry about the lobsters.
451
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,839
Is that a necklace?
452
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,999
It's a dream catcher.
You having a breakdown?
453
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,239
April got it for me.
454
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,479
It's for his night terrors.
455
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,919
Absolute bellend. Get out the way.
I'll break the window.
456
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,239
Good idea.
457
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,759
BARRY: You bloody well will not.
458
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,519
Oh, Barry! Thank God!
459
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,079
No. Stay back.
460
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,119
Just you, Stuart. Get in.
461
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,160
Oh...
462
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,959
Don't end it, Barry. Not like this.
463
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,599
It's already done.
464
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,639
What do you mean?
465
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,799
I've cancelled the finance
agreement on the hot tub.
466
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,159
That'll show her.
467
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,319
Oh, thank Christ!
468
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,119
I'll let her sweat for a bit longer.
469
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,199
You and me, eh, Stu?
470
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,839
We'll show 'em who's in charge.
471
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,599
Everything's gone wrong, Barry.
472
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,919
Oh, this is nothing.
473
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,559
She lobbed a tagine at me
when we were in Marrakech.
474
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,919
Lamb everywhere.
475
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,439
I mean April.
476
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,479
It's a roller-coaster, dude.
Got to ride it.
477
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,879
In the beginning it's all
day trips to the beach
478
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,519
and hand jobs under the pier,
but before you know it,
479
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,599
they're shouting about your toenails
and winking at the dentist.
480
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,999
I can't ruin another relationship.
481
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,079
I try. I try so hard.
482
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,799
But everything I do goes wrong.
483
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,319
What have you done now?
484
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,079
She thinks I'm no fun.
485
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,599
I made shitty beef.
486
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,119
Charlie's bleeding me dry.
487
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,879
My IBS is out of control.
488
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,119
She hates my banner, and now I've
eaten a tub of dad's drugs.
489
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,319
Gordon Bennett.
490
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,439
This is going to be Kate
all over again.
491
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,599
She'll probably find someone
better over the road.
492
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,519
Well, I shouldn't worry about that.
There's only Clive at number eight,
493
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,519
and I'm pretty sure he's
a paedophile.
494
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,919
Oh!
495
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:58,200
HE SOBS AND WHIMPERS
496
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,119
Are you asleep?
497
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:27,479
I don't wish to cause undue alarm...
498
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:28,519
What's wrong?
499
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,639
I don't feel very well.
500
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,759
Why?
501
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,959
Sugar. What?
502
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,799
Need sugar.
503
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,520
Oh, shit.
504
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,440
Oh, fuck!
505
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,399
Help! There's something wrong!
506
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,919
He's gone all weird!
507
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,399
Keeps saying "sugar".
508
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,079
The handle's broken.
I can't get out!
509
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,079
Oh, my God! It's his diabetes.
510
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,199
What do I do?! What do I do?!
He needs a Coke.
511
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,599
Oh, I've got some in the van.
512
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,799
Oh, fuck, shit, shit, shit.
513
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,879
Please don't die.
514
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,599
STOMACH RUMBLES, HE BELCHES
515
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,999
Oh, God.
516
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,879
Can you smell hummus?
517
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,240
Oi! Take it!
518
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,079
Hurry up! Hurry up!
519
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,559
Come on!
520
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,120
Sips! Sips, not gulps -
you'll drown him!
521
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,559
Please could you stop
shouting at me?
522
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,759
I've taken drugs.
523
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,159
This isn't Glastonbury!
524
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,599
My mouth's gone all dry.
525
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,839
Oh, pull yourself together.
What have you taken?
526
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,639
Mushrooms. Oh, you tit.
527
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,079
You're absolutely useless.
528
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,400
Have you been crying?
529
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,679
KATE: Oh, God, Ted!
530
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,079
I don't feel very well!
TED: Christ!
531
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,279
What's happening?
532
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,519
Barry? Are you OK?
533
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,519
Better than Stuart,
by the looks of him.
534
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,319
Can someone please get me
out of here?
535
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,639
I can taste hummus!
Spit it out.
536
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:54,759
APRIL: Where's Stuart?
537
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,279
He's locked himself in the van.
538
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,439
Stu? Oh, no... It stinks.
539
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,799
Stu, darling...
540
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,479
..I'm here.
541
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,079
I'm so sorry, April.
542
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,959
Don't be - I think it's amazing!
543
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,319
What? Willie told me everything.
544
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,199
You took drugs just for me!
545
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,519
Er...
546
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,519
This is the Stuart that
I was talking about,
547
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,319
the kind of Stuart that takes
shrooms and locks himself in a van.
548
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,039
It's so nutty!
549
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,839
I love it!
550
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,039
Yup.
551
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,839
Let's go to a moonlight
party in Lima,
552
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,919
take MDMA on the beach
and watch the sun come up.
553
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,039
Yep.
554
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,759
This is exactly the date I want.
555
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,879
Chips in a van with a guy on drugs.
556
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,319
It's so mental!
557
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,479
TED: You are fucking dead, mate!
558
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,639
Oh, Stu,
559
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,840
you're about to go absolutely
bonkers.
560
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,720
Have we got any big nappies?
561
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,399
You were amazing last night.
562
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,479
Thanks.
563
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,599
Sorry about the noises.
564
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,479
Healthy body, healthy balls.
565
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,639
I've asked you not to bring
strangers into the house.
566
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,119
It makes April feel uncomfortable.
567
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:58,879
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
568
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,239
A great big randy mouse.
569
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,639
Hi, Stu.
570
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,239
It's vital you're aware
of her whims.
571
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,359
You don't want her squirting
up your curtains.
572
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,919
Blue ones under the tongue,
573
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,279
red ones right up inside the anus.
574
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,519
I am the invisible man.
I do not exist.
575
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:14,999
Dad's turned on location services.
576
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,159
Shit!
577
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,359
Well, what is it, dickhead?
578
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:18,959
He's dead. Fuck off.
579
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,140
Hey!
580
00:23:20,141 --> 00:23:21,320
TED SCREAMS
39621
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Tatar
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof