Original subtitles

(uptempo instrumental music)

(audience laughs)

(cat meows)

(cat hisses)

- Did you get it?

- Yeah, I got it.

Well, it's quiet now,

but it was spinning around like crazy before.

- Splendid.

Mus musculus, or waltzing mouse.

Originally bred in China,

and known in Japan as the Nanking mouse.

They're dancing propensities are supposedly due

to derangement of the labyrinth of the ear.

- A waltzing mouse.

- Perfect for my experiment.

- Oh, what are you gonna do?

Teach it how to do the jerk?

(audience laughs)

- I could, but he'll serve science much better

if my molecular reassembler is successful.

- Molecular reassembler.

Hm.

(cat meows)

Hey, hey, hey, come on, Uncle Martin,

that's a cat, and that's a mouse,

and, well, you couldn't, that's inhuman.

- It's quite human, but definitely unmartian.

I wouldn't dream of what you're thinking.

- But, but, but, the cat, the cat.

- Now, you've heard of the drug known as RSD?

- Yeah, yeah, that's the one

that changes personality traits, isn't it?

- Right.

Makes heroes of poltroons

and whimpering cowards of brave men.

My molecular reassembler goes one step further.

- Naturally. (audience laughs)

- When two subjects of completely different makeup

are exposed to the laser beam,

the entire psyche of each is interchanged.

Attitude, personality, and brain power.

- So that the cat becomes the mouse

and the mouse becomes that cat?

- Inwardly.

Their physical appearance remains the same.

Observe.

(cat meows)

(machine hums) (harp music)

Voila.

Note the subtle change in the cat's attitude.

(audience laughs)

- That's incredible.

- Elementary.

Now, watch the mouse.

(machine hums) (harp music)

(mouse squeaks)

- Marvelously, that works. (audience laughs)

What's it for?

- The peace of the world, my boy.

With the proper balance, my molecular reassembler

will eventually erase all hostility in mankind.

- Well, that is a pretty tall order, Uncle Martin.

- Not so.

It is written that someday,

the lion will lie down with the lamb.

- Uh-huh.

- Well?

- Well, I'm just gonna bet you eight to five

that the lion is the only one that gets up.

(audience laughs)

(midtempo orchestral music)

(radar beeps)

(playful orchestral music)

(audience laughs) (mouse squeaks)

Well, okay Uncle Martin, it works.

Now how do you change 'em back?

- Simply by shunting the molecular stream,

and reversing the neutron field.

- Oh.

Nothing at all for you, right?

- All it takes is a few grains of carbonaceous mineral

known as egolite.

- Say, what would happen without that stuff?

- Well, in a matter of a couple of hours,

the molecules would stabilize,

and they'd be that way permanently.

Well, that uses up this egolite.

However, I believe I have another vial in the garage.

- Here, Mr. McPhee!

Here, Mr. McPhee!

Oh, do forgive me for bursting in like this,

but the door was open,

and I thought I heard Mr. McPhee up here.

Detective Brennan is calling for me,

and we're going out on the town.

How do I look?

- Fine, but who is Mr. McPhee?

- My cat.

- Your cat?

What does he look like?

- Oh, he's just an ordinary house cat.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Mostly gray with a white nose, and,

oh, say maybe I can find him with this flashlight.

(audience laughs)

- No, no!

- Uncle Martin watch out for the light.

- Don't worry--

(frenzied orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

And he's got a nose and two white paws,

and is forever running off.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Why do I feel so strange?

- Oh no, Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin?

- Tim.

- Uncle Martin. (audience laughs)

- Tim, get my kit from the garage, quick.

There's another bottle of egolite in it.

(high-pitched warbling)

- I can't believe it.

Is that really you?

- Of course it's me.

Well, nevermind the body, I'm inside it.

- Oh, well what are we gonna do about him,

uh, her?

(audience laughs)

- He, she's in a state of suspension.

She'll be oblivious until I can reverse this thing.

(door knocks)

- Brennan!

(high-pitched warbling)

- No, it's somebody else.

Open the door and play it cool.

- I have a telegram for Mrs. Brown.

They told me she might be up here.

- Thanks, keep the change.

(audience laughs)

Maybe it's from Brennan.

Maybe he can't make it.

- Don't read that, it might be personal.

Give it to me.

Hm, it's from my brother in Washington.

- Hm?

- I mean, her brother.

He's arriving here tonight.

- What?

Can you get this fixed in time?

- I'm sure I can.

- Oh, fine.

Well I'm going to get the kit in the garage.

- Come here.

(audience laughs)

You put Mrs. Brown in the other room.

I'll get the kit.

- Lorelei.

- Brennan!

Bill! (audience laughs)

Well, how did you know I was up here?

- Well, a messenger boy came with a tele.

(playful instrumental music) (audience laughs)

- Sudden attack, nothing serious.

I just came up here to see if I could help.

- Fooling around with one of his crazy inventions again,

I suppose.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, good evening.

- Good evening, Tim.

What's the matter with your Uncle Martin?

- Well, he isn't exactly himself tonight.

- That's an improvement.

Shall we go, Lorelei?

- No, wait! (audience laughs)

- Surely you can take care of him.

- Well, it's not that.

It's, it's, that Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Brown lost her cat.

Her cat, yes, that's it, her cat.

Here kitty, kitty, she's terribly lonely without him.

(Tim whistles)

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

No, no, no, no, no, the point is,

the cat hasn't had its dinner yet, has it, Mrs. Brown?

- Yes, yes, I'm afraid you're right.

I tell you what, Bill.

Why don't you run along, and I'll join you later.

Just as soon as I find him.

- Now, Lorelei, let's not become the hysterical woman.

The cat'll come back as soon as he's hungry enough.

- I better go with him before he starts getting suspicious.

You'll have to bring the stuff to me later.

- Coming, Lorelei?

- Oh yes, Bill.

Tim can take care of everything.

- Well, where will you be?

- Well, for the next two hours, at the Pelican Club.

After that, it's anybody's guess.

(audience laughs)

- Brother, you said a mouthful.

(uptempo jazz music)

- Enjoying yourself, Lorelei?

- No.

Oh, these sash weights

make my ears feel like a bunch of bananas.

Ah, that feels better.

Vestigial trappings remaining from the culture

of a savage society.

(audience laughs)

- Doesn't sound like you at all.

- No, it doesn't, does it?

- Something wrong, Lorelei?

- No, no, no, no, I was just wondering

if Tim found my cat.

- Oh, forget about the cat.

Lorelei, I've been looking forward to this moment

for a long while.

Ever since the first day I met you.

- Oh, there's a cigarette girl.

Would you mind, Bill?

- Again?

I bought you nine packs already.

(audience laughs)

Miss.

Just empty the tray on the table, please.

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

- Well, now why did you do that?

- 'Cause I don't want any more interruptions.

(audience laughs)

Lorelei, I have something very important to say to you.

- Well, don't you think we ought to order dinner?

- No, I don't.

- Really?

- I'm sorry, but every time I get ready

to say what's on my mind, you create a diversion.

- It does seem that way, doesn't it?

- Lorelei, I'm on the verge of asking you to do something

that will change both of lives.

- I could use a change right now.

(audience laughs)

- I know I'm not a very romantic man,

and I may be rather clumsy about the way I propose.

- Mrs. Brown?

Mrs. Brown?

- Oh, that's me. (audience laughs)

Oh, that's me.

- Yes, madam.

There's a telephone call for you in the booth.

This way, please.

- Uncle Martin.

Uh, Uncle Martin is calling you, Aunt Lorelei.

(audience laughs)

- Did you find the egolite?

- I got the bottle right here.

- Good work.

- But it's empty. (audience laughs)

- Good night.

If I only had some time, I could improvise something.

- Well right now, you have less than an hour,

now come on, let's get out of here.

- Wait.

The earrings.

- Earrings, how could you think of those

at a time like this?

- I must get them, diamonds, don't you see, Tim?

The mineral is almost the same as egolite.

Corundum, high carbon component.

- Oh, where are they?

- On the table.

Wait here for me.

If I'm not back in 30 seconds, come and get me.

- Uh, it was Tim.

He still hasn't been able to find my cat.

I can't imagine where he got to.

- Lorelei, I have been thinking,

and I've reached a conclusion.

- Oh, I know you would, of course,

you're a detective.

(audience laughs)

- Lorelei.

- Where is he?

- Where's who?

- Mr. McPhee?

- Who's Mr. McPhee?

- My cat, where is he?

- How do I know where he is?

Well, I thought you said you had a clue.

- I said I've come to a conclusion.

(audience laughs)

Oh, behavior is obvious.

You're in love with somebody else.

That O'Hara.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

- There's that Tim O'Hara.

You didn't send for him, did you?

- Well of course not, why would I do that?

- I don't know.

You've done a number of strange things this evening.

(partygoers applaud)

(uptempo jazz music)

- What's the matter?

Why couldn't you get out of here?

- Because, he's got the tenacity of a bulldog,

without its compensating beauty.

- Can't you just put up your antennas and disappear?

- No, I can't, they're on the other body.

Oh, I've gotta do something drastic, he's coming!

Grab my arm.

- What?

- Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, it's my ankle.

I twisted it.

Oh! (audience laughs)

Oh, dear.

(partygoers applaud)

- An icepack.

Oh, we'll get the cigarette girl

to take you to the ladies' room.

- Oh, no I couldn't do that.

- No, she should see a doctor.

We'll be back soon.

- You'll do nothing of the kind.

(partygoers applaud)

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pelican Club

and 40 minutes of quality entertainment.

- 40 minutes, do you think your molecules can hold out?

- No chance, I've gotta go to the whip.

- The world's most celebrated magician, Monsieur Flamand.

(partygoers applaud)

- Thank you.

Just a bird in a cage, watch.

Hup!

(audience applauds)

The mystery of the empty cone.

(audience applauds)

And now for the illusion that has baffled millions.

I will need the assistance, however,

of some lady or gentleman from the audience.

You sir, would you mind assisting me, please?

(high-pitched warbling) Madam?

- I never could understand

how a person could be so imbecilic

as to volunteer to, what?

What?

(audience laughs)

- How about you, sir?

I'll merely lock you in the trunk,

cause you to vanish, and you'll reappear

right back here in your chair.

- I'll be very happy to oblige.

(audience laughs)

- What got into him?

- Hypnosis, only way out.

- Oh.

Well what are we waiting for?

- Just a little insurance.

He's getting in the trunk now.

- Just step right in the trunk, down at this end,

sit down if you will please, sir.

Just sit down right, right down in it.

(locks click)

The key, sir.

(high-pitched warbling) (lock sizzles)

- I just wanna make sure he doesn't get out of that trunk

before I get out of this body.

Let's go.

(uptempo orchestral music)

Bring her in here.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Boy, I think she's getting heavier,

how you coming?

- Almost, yeah.

If my theory is correct,

the carbon component in the diamond

will refract the laser beam.

- If your theory is correct?

Uncle Martin, aren't you sure?

- We'll know in a minute.

There.

- Well, now what?

- Turn it on, Tim.

(machine hums) (harp music)

- All right, okay Uncle Martin.

Now, now just say something.

- Nuts.

- Now that's just great.

Do you realize that you have exactly 30 minutes

before you become Mrs. Brown forever?

- I should've known, paste.

- Paste?

- Paste, imitation, a phony diamond.

No wonder it didn't work.

We've got to get a hold of a real diamond somewhere.

- Well, now I know why they're a girl's best friend.

(audience laughs)

- Got it!

Brennan was about to propose.

He must have a ring.

(high-pitched warbling)

He's got a ring.

- He has?

That's just marvelous.

You just gave him the brush.

- Take care of her until I come back.

- Well, where you going?

- Back to the Pelican Club to get engaged.

(audience laughs)

(patrons chatter and laugh)

- [Man] All right, get back, get back,

I'll do it myself.

- Don't, don't don't, you'll ruin the trunk!

(high-pitched warbling)

Get him out of there quickly.

Come on, sir, are you all right?

Easy, sir.

- Right over here.

The magician came to us highly recommended, sir.

Just sit down, easy.

Sir?

- William, look at me.

(fingers snap)

- As I was saying, a man would be an utter imbecile

to let himself be locked up in a trunk.

- Unless he didn't know what he was doing.

(audience laughs)

- Where's O'Hara?

- Oh, I send him home.

He was interfering with our, with our privacy.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, you've changed.

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Why don't we leave this place and, uh,

spend the rest of the evening at my house?

- Inconsistency, thy name is woman.

(audience laughs)

- Comfy?

- Very.

- You like some wine?

- Thank you.

Soft lights, sweet music, wine.

Sudden outburst of affection.

- Uh, you were about to tell me something

at the Pelican Club.

- I certainly was.

You kept putting me off.

- Well, it was too noisy in there.

- It's possible I was too presumptuous

and overbearing, but I don't have much experience

in these matters.

- Well now don't think about it, Bill,

just tell me what's on your mind.

- Lorelei.

- Yes?

- No.

(audience laughs)

I can't ask you.

It wouldn't be right.

- Oh, it would, it would.

Ask me.

- You sure you won't switch again?

- Don't say that. (audience laughs)

I mean, well, say what you have to say,

and say it fast.

- I thought women didn't like whirlwind courtships.

- Believe me, I'm not an ordinary woman.

(audience laughs)

- I'll say you're not.

No, I absolutely can't.

I'll feel better in a few weeks.

- A few weeks?

Oh, in 10 minutes, I'll be a gone goose.

- What?

- I said are you a man or a moose?

Well, say it already!

- Will you, uh.

- Yes, yes?

- Will you accept this ring as a sign of my affection?

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

It's real, it's a real diamond.

- Of course it's real!

Do you suppose I'd have the gall

to ask you to become my wife

and then hand you a phony?

- Oh, don't move, stay right where you are.

I have to show this to Tim.

- Wait!

(audience laughs)

- Did you get it?

- It was repulsive work, but I got it.

Where's Mrs. Brown?

- Oh, i put her in the bedroom.

- Bring her in!

I have to fix the reassembler.

(door knocks)

- Is Mrs. Brown here?

I'm her brother, just in from Washington.

- Oh, come in, come in.

I'm Detective Brennan.

- Oh, you must be the chap she's been writing about.

She's very fond of you.

- Oh, I should hope so.

She's going to be my wife.

- No.

- Mm-hm.

- Well, let's have a drink on that, shall we?

(audience laughs)

- You all set?

- Ready.

Hit the switch, and keep your fingers crossed.

- Okay.

(frenzied orchestral music) (machine hums)

- Woo, mm, that was cutting it pretty fine.

- Oh, thank heaven.

Hey, is she gonna be okay?

- Yes, when I bring her out of it,

she'll have no recollection of any events of the evening.

Take the ring out of the reassembler.

- Oh yeah.

(high-pitched warbling)

- Ah.

And two white paws.

I named him Mr. McPhee after the gentleman

who used to rent this apartment.

Where's the flashlight.

Oh, there it is.

- I don't think you have to worry about your cat,

Mrs. Brown, I'm sure it'll show up safe and sound.

Isn't that right, Uncle Martin?

- Of course, I'll see to it myself.

- Oh, thank you.

Well, I better hurry downstairs.

Detective Brennan should be here any minute.

Oh, darling.

- Oh, Lorelei.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, what about me?

- Bill Brennan, now really, how dare you!

I mean, really, friendship is friendship,

but there's such a thing

as carrying a friendship too far.

- Lorelei, what's come over you?

- And if you were any kind of a brother,

well, you'd put him in his place.

- But he told me that you're engaged to be married.

- Engaged?

Well, I think somebody should consult me about that.

(audience laughs)

- But I don't understand.

Five minutes ago you were the most loving--

- Five minutes ago?

Now Bill, I haven't seen you all day.

- Lorelei, are you saying

that I didn't just give you a diamond ring?

- Now wait a minute.

Are you accusing my sister of something?

- How you gonna square this?

- Lorelei, you can't be serious.

Do you deny that we spent two hours

at the Pelican Club this evening?

- I certainly do.

I have not left this apartment

since I came up here to look for my cat.

Isn't that right, Tim?

- That's right, Detective Brennan.

Mrs. Brown has not left this house.

- Do you mean that I didn't bring you to your house

a little while ago?

- You did not.

- He was in your house when I got there, Lorelei.

We had a drink together.

That's when he told me you were engaged.

- Well, I'm afraid he's had too many drinks.

Come on, Leroy, I've had enough of this.

Oh, please, accept my apologies

for this gentleman's behavior.

- Lorelei, I beg you, please.

Try to remember, the ring.

When I gave it to you, you put a shot glass in your eye

and examined the stone to see if it was real.

I, but she.

- Mr. Brennan, it's just possible

you thought you gave Mrs. Brown the ring.

Look in your pocket.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (audience laughs)

- I must be losing my mind.

- Well, as the saying goes,

it's better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.

(playful orchestral music)

- Hi, Uncle Martin.

Hey, have you got anything in your martian kit

that'll make a button stay on?

I lost another one.

- Yes, a very complicated device.

It's called a needle and thread.

(audience laughs) - Hysterical.

- Seen Mrs. Brown?

- [Tim] Yeah, Brennan offered her the ring again.

- Well?

- She took it.

But she gave it back again.

- No.

- Oh yeah.

Well, I'm afraid that romance is over,

at least for a while.

Mrs. Brown says she needs some more time.

She doesn't believe that a woman should have

a whirlwind courtship.

- That's too bad.

- Yeah, well, I think he'll offer it to her again though.

Just as soon as he gets back from his rest cure.

(audience laughs)

- All shook up.

- Oh boy, wouldn't you be?

- Well, I don't feel so hot myself, you know?

- Well, my advice to you is, get rid of that machine.

- No, no, no, Tim.

I've just about reached the perfect balance.

- I hope so.

Mrs. Brown is still looking for her cat.

- He's about ready to go home.

Look.

- [Tim] How did you do that?

- Ingenuity.

A step towards peace on Earth.

- Uncle Martin, you are a great man.

(audience laughs)

Now, if you could only sew.

(playful orchestral music)

(midtempo electronic music)