Original subtitles

(upbeat music playing)

- Hi Uncle Martin.

- [Martin] Good evening, Tim.

- Is that an arrow in the wall?

- Oh, I just ran a test

with my cathode-ray centrifigual time breaker scope

and it ended up in 1750.

- 1750?

- Yes, the dial slipped.

And believe me, Tim.

There's nothing more aggravating to an Indian

than interrupting his war dance.

- Well, if you can go back to 1750,

I guess you've got it licked.

I guess you'll be going home pretty soon.

- Well I'm afraid it's not so easy.

You see to get back to the exact moment before my crash

so I can prevent it from happening,

well time is curved.

- Oh, Einstein's simplified field theory.

- Yes, I simplified it for him.

At any rate, the current between now and 1963

when I crashed is so slight my CCTBS can't manage it.

The nearest I can get is 1945.

- Oh well that's too bad.

Well, I certainly don't mind you staying.

- I know, Tim.

Thank you.

Well, I see my old friends are writing to me again.

The gas company, the electric company,

the phone company, and here's a copy of TV illustrated

to help me forget the gas company, the electric company,

and the phone company.

(zany xylophone music)

- Uh oh, no no no.

As if things weren't difficult enough.

May I?

Silent pics, tonight.

A Vale in the Desert.

Starring Mark le Martin.

Tim, they mustn't show that film on TV tonight.

- Why not?

- Because in 1925, a certain martian

was on an exploratory flight

and accidentally landed here in Hollywood.

I am Mark le Martin.

(zany upbeat music)

(opening theme song)

(upbeat music)

- What were you doing in a movie studio?

- Oh, just visiting.

But that sight of that incompetent passing himself off

as an actor, I just couldn't resist saying

what I thought of him.

- Go on, I know the rest.

They couldn't resist you.

A star was born.

- Exactly.

And how can I explain to Lorelei, the milk man, the grocer,

anyone who sees me in those films without answering

some very incriminating questions.

- I don't know what to tell you, Uncle Martin.

I mean how can you fight history.

(bright piano music)

- With a time machine.

Thank you, Tim.

- Oh, you're welcome.

But for what?

The picture has already been made.

- With my CCTBS, I can go back to 1925, visit the studio,

walk past the set,

and no matter how horrible that man's performance is,

I won't say a word.

Then he won't be fired, I won't be hired,

and tonight when Brennan sees the Vale in the Desert,

he'll see it with its original no talent star.

- Now wait a minute, do you mean that you're going back

to Hollywood, 1925, right now?

- Immediately.

- 10 am, June the first, 1925.

Locator, Gower Gulch, Hollywood.

- Well Uncle Martin, are you going...

(electronic beeping)

- [Reinbein] Take her by the hand,

Gut, zehr gut.

Now take her in your arms, Irving.

That's right.

Now kiss her.

Nein.

(Reinbein yelling)

I said kiss her.

This is a love scene not a wrestling match.

We better shoot it before he kills her.

(whistle blows)

Action.

- This is it all right.

He's about to make the same scene.

- Well so are you, remember.

No comments.

- Wait here and don't worry.

If there's one thing a martian has got, it's will power.

- [Reinbein] Action.

Now Irving, you have just ridden 1,000 miles

across the burning sands to reach her.

Now reach.

Good.

- Omar, you.

- Saharaza, my life.

- Now, Irving.

Make it with the eyebrows.

- I won't look and I won't say it.

- Omar, my Omar.

Sweep me in your arms and take me away with you.

- Then I go to fight the rips.

- Mustn't say it.

- But I want to be at your side.

- No.

- [Reinbein] Cut!

Stop.

Irving, feeling.

I want more feeling.

You see?

- Don't tell me how to act?

Who gets all the fan mail around here?

The director or the star.

- Camera, action.

- But I want to be at your side.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- No, Uncle Martin.

No no no, it's beyond human endurance.

No, no, no, you're even worse then the last time I saw you.

- Stop, stop the cameras.

Stop everything.

Who is butting in here with the no no no?

- Your acting sir is about as thrilling an experience

as watching paint dry.

- What?

- You emote with as much feeling

as a double dose of Novocaine.

In short, you sir are the least talented actor

that I have ever seen.

You're much more attractive that way, my dear.

- You are right.

Absolutely.

- Yeah, maybe he thinks he can do it better.

- Sir, I could play a love scene better than that

and eat hot pastrami sandwich at the same time.

- Here we go again.

(trill of music)

- I could understand your blurting out, how you felt.

And then showing the director how a good actor would do it.

But Uncle Martin, signing a contract?

- I had to sign.

Until I find someone to replace me.

Once he saw my brilliant performance, Tim,

he said that without me,

he wouldn't make Vale in the Desert at all.

And truthfully, who can blame him?

- But suppose, you don't find a replacement.

- I have to.

- So, all you have to do now is find an actor

that's better than yourself.

Well, lots of luck.

- Not an actor, too much ego.

No no no no, I'm looking for a very special person.

Someone with no ego at all.

- In Hollywood?

- Your soup.

Wait a minute.

Your soup, gentlemen.

I'm very sorry.

Thank you very much.

- Tim, someday you'll be able to say you were served dinner

by one of the biggest stars in Hollywood.

- Him?

But what's with that hair?

He looks like a premature Beatle.

- Yes, he's perfect.

- But can he act?

- Let me see.

Physical fitness, ah, here we are.

Self expression pills.

Hmm, and my last one.

- Yes, but will that make him an actor?

- Didn't you ever hear the saying all the world's a stage?

On Mars, we believe it.

And we're all superb.

With this pill, he'll be endowed with voice lessons,

diction, courage, body work, fencing, and that sixth sense

I once gave to a promising young thespian

named David Gehrig, stage presence.

Waiter, waiter.

- Yes sir.

Here.

- Taste this soup.

- The soup?

There's something wrong with the soup?

- Taste it.

- I'll bring you another bowl.

- I don't want another bowl.

I want you to taste this soup.

- Yes sir.

It tastes very nice.

Like minestrone.

(alien music)

It tastes more of the stuff that once made Rome great.

It could fill the bellies of conquering legions.

You're a hero.

Out, sir.

That is no ordinary bowl of soup.

You have set before you,

a veritable soup of soups.

A soup, the bowls of which shape the hungry world.

- 59 seconds, exactly.

And now young man, I would like to introduce you

to your new motion picture agent, Mr. O'Hara.

- Me?

- To be, or not to be.

That is the question.

- Ah, von Reinbein is almost ready to see you.

I better make myself scarce.

I don't want to change any comparisons.

- But Uncle Martin, me?

An agent?

- Just talk fast.

Say yes to everything.

And call everyone baby.

Meet me outside the restaurant in an hour ready to go.

And remember, everything is depending on you.

- Mr. von Reinbein will see you now.

- Thank you, chickybaby.

Mr. von Reinbein baby,

you are looking at the greatest future star

since Francis X. Bushman, and baby sir,

if you want to sell tickets...

- Silence.

What do you think, darling?

Like him better than that Le Martin?

- I think he's adorable.

(slinky instrumental music)

Yes, oh yes.

- Wunderbar.

He's a genius.

Another von Reinbein discovery.

- Me?

- You have a brought me a great talent here.

- But you're making a large error.

- What fire.

What eyes.

- But, Miss Normandy baby, I...

- Did you hear when he called me baby?

Oh what feeling.

We'll be fantastic on the screen together.

- Yeah, but I've never acted before.

- Don't you want to be a movie star?

- Well I...

- Don't you want to be my leading man?

- Well come to think of it I did have the lead once

in my class play.

- [Reinbein] You see? He has background.

He's a real actor.

- Come to think of it, I was pretty good.

- You'll be a sensation.

We'll be a sensation.

- Actor.

(drumroll)

Report for a screen test immediately.

- Yeah, but I think...

- I said immediately.

- Gavolt.

(music)

- I hate to lose you but I have to be honest,

my great new star, I love him

and the best part by Viola is crazy about him.

(dog barking)

There he is.

Coming.

My new great star.

- Rin Tin Tin?

- Wait til you see him.

Timothy.

- Oh no.

- Not oh no, O'Hara.

(triumphant music)

- Mark, old boy, you'll never guess what's happened to me.

- You've been chosen clean for a day.

Now listen, Tim.

- Isn't he just it.

- Yes, but the question is what.

- Don't listen to him, my sweet little patootie.

And Mark, you be careful

or I won't let you ride in my Duesenberg

after I get new leopard seat covers.

WW listen, I thought you were going to do something

about my dressing room.

- But you have the biggest dressing room on the lot.

Doug Fairbanks had it before he left.

- Well I don't blame him for leaving it.

It only has one mirror.

- Tim, Tim.

- Excuse me, please.

- Tim, you can't be serious about this.

- Why not?

Why should I accept the hand me down dressing room?

- You know what I'm referring too.

Now will you stop this farce with those dark glasses

and that manicured mongrel?

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

I was just kidding around.

That's all.

I just want to enjoy the moment.

- Well...

- Sure, a small mansion, an indoor swimming pool, a yacht.

And the love of a sweet lady who earns as much as I do.

Isn't she the cat's meow?

Well I'll tell you what I'll do, WW.

I think perhaps I think I'll stay

in the same dressing room after all,

I don't want anyone to think I'm getting a swelled head.

- Sehr gut.

- Just make sure you put a larger star

on my dressing room.

(upbeat music)

- That boys needs help.

He's gone so Hollywood that unless I can do something,

I may never get him out of 1925.

(upbeat exciting music)

- Ah but Mr. Le Martin, it's no use.

I'm no actor.

I'm just a big nothing

who's going to be a waiter all his life.

Maybe you'd like to try the veal scallopini.

- That I can't understand.

How could they possibly overlook you and pick Tim.

Of course.

Joe, would you make me a nice salad.

- Oh, sure.

- I forgot this is 1925.

- I won't forget.

This is the year I didn't become an actor.

- You're not going to become just an actor, Joe.

You're going to be a star.

- Oh, okay then.

- A big star.

(alien sound effects)

- Either somebody's a wise guy

or it's raining olive oil in this restaurant.

Oh, my hair.

It was the only thing I had left.

- Oh no no no, Joe.

It looks fine.

(alien sound effect)

- Oh, some movie star.

I look like the back of Tom Mix's horse.

- On the contrary, slicked down hair is going to be the rage

of the 1920's.

The latest style for leading men.

- But since when?

- Since just now.

Thank you, Joe.

That was fear, WW.

Now Joe will show us how he registers passion.

Passion, Joe.

(passionate instrumental music)

- Brilliant.

A genius.

- Naturally, he studied under the greatest actor

in the world.

And compared to him, that amateur Timothy O'Hara is...

- Yeah, but the question is does he have sex appeal?

- A good question.

(alien sound effect)

- Oh, dear.

- He's great.

Sensational, stupendous.

- I am?

- My new star.

Another von Reinbein discovery.

I sign him.

- Good.

- For my next picture.

- Your next picture?

But what about the Vale in the Desert?

- Oh, we have to use O'Hara.

Viola won't stand for any other leading man.

Anyhow, I have an iron clad contract with him.

You think I want to get sued?

- And undoubtedly you would.

- But him, we must have a new name for.

We are going to make this nice fellow

into a great big movie star.

- Yes, but now how do I make a great big movie star

into a nice fellow.

(trilling music)

- I'm sorry, but if you don't mind waiting,

perhaps on the way out.

Love you all, love you.

Well Uncle Martin, I hope this won't take too long.

I have the most beautiful creature in the world

waiting for me outside in just a few minutes.

- Don't you think you'd better take off those dark glasses?

We're not expecting our next solar eclipse until March 1932.

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

You can't bug me.

Oh I keep forgetting that expression won't be good

for another forty years.

- Precisely, and that brings us to the reason

I asked you to meet me Tim.

The time for your life is forty years from now.

- Oh?

Then how come I'm having the time of my life right now?

Look I have a beautiful girl, a career,

my name up in lights.

- Tim, you're not even supposed to be here.

- Alright, so I'm a decade crasher.

Look, I think she's waiting outside.

- One moment, Tim.

I've got to show you something.

Something that may make you think twice.

- Oh I'll think twice, alright.

But I'll think the same thing both times.

- We'll see.

Would you mind looking into your plate?

Even though it's not a mirror.

(alien sound effect)

Photo telepathy, the time is a moment after we left

to come here.

The place, the Motion Picture Home for Retired Actors.

- [Tim] Who's the cast of characters?

The old guy looks familiar?

- [Martin] He should.

His name is Tim O'Hara.

- That's me?

- Remember it's over 40 years from now.

You decided to stay behind.

- Have there been any messages for me?

Did Mr. DeMille call yet?

Oh.

Has there been any word from my fan clubs?

- I'm sorry.

- That's me.

That silly old egotist.

But what am I doing in the Motion Picture Home?

I'm a big star.

- You are now, Tim.

But this is 1925.

In 1928, something unforeseen is going to happen.

- You mean...

- Exactly.

You didn't make it into talkies.

- Well, I guess it's not so bad being a newspaper man

and eating Mrs. Brown's chocolate broccoli pies.

- That's right, Tim.

You see the only way people can really be happy

is to be themselves.

- Yeah.

But what I really hate to give up is Viola.

- I know.

But things have a way of working out.

Time, return to moment of origin,

place, Tim O'Hara's apartment,

Hollywood.

- You mean, we're going back right now?

Just a second, Uncle Martin,

here comes Viola.

- Do you think I could just?

Well I've got to do something.

Couldn't I just say goodbye?

- Tim, sometimes goodbye can make it even more difficult

to say goodbye.

Especially when it's someone to whom

you should have never said hello.

(sentimental music)

- [Announcer] And that was just a preview scene

from tonight's silent pics.

WW von Reinbein's A Vale in the Dessert,

starring Viola Normandy and Valentine Rudolpho.

- Valentine Rudolpho?

- They made Joe change his name.

- But Rudolpho was one of the greatest lovers

of silent pictures.

- Viola had to find someone to help her forget about you.

- Well at least one of us was able to forget.

- Tim, I realize you're still thinking of her.

But I know you'll meet someone

who'll make you forget all about her.

- Well it'll take a hypnotist.

- Try not to be so hopeless.

(knocking on door)

- Now what?

- It's a young reporter your editor sent over

for some assistance.

- Just what I need right now.

You know it's probably some young fresh kid

just out of journalism school, he probably has...

- [Woman] Hello, Mr. O'Hara?

- Viola?

How did you get...

- How did you know my name?

- Won't you come in?

I'm Tim's uncle.

I hope you'll forgive me.

I'm afraid you resemble someone he thinks he knows.

- Gee, that's funny.

It's usually older folks

say I remind them of my grandmother.

- Your grandmother?

- She was a silent movie star people say.

Gee I don't want to take up too much of your time.

Mr. Koter said that you wouldn't mind checking over

these stories.

I'm not sure that my construction is right.

- Oh take my word, it's great.

I mean shall we go to work?

Did you know about this?

- Well let's put it this way Tim.

Who do you think coined the phrase history repeats itself?

(music trills)

(ending theme music)