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1
00:00:00,621 --> 00:00:02,741
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:02,741 --> 00:00:07,981
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,981 --> 00:00:09,781
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,781 --> 00:00:12,381
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,381 --> 00:00:17,301
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:17,301 --> 00:00:19,461
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,461 --> 00:00:21,741
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
8
00:00:21,741 --> 00:00:23,821
And that's why they should be shot.
9
00:00:23,821 --> 00:00:26,741
Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.
10
00:00:26,741 --> 00:00:30,421
Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.
11
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:33,341
Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.
12
00:00:34,581 --> 00:00:36,181
Iain? Yes.
13
00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:41,941
Hello? Iain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
14
00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:45,061
Yes. Is that Iain?
It is Iain. Who's that?
15
00:00:45,061 --> 00:00:47,381
Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.
16
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,981
Thank you very much.
That's very kind.
17
00:00:48,981 --> 00:00:52,061
What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.
18
00:00:52,061 --> 00:00:55,141
Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?
19
00:00:55,141 --> 00:00:57,421
Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.
20
00:00:57,421 --> 00:00:59,381
Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.
21
00:00:59,381 --> 00:01:02,581
I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.
22
00:01:02,581 --> 00:01:05,421
No, Iain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?
23
00:01:05,421 --> 00:01:07,101
Yeah. Listen.
KNOCKING
24
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,701
Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.
25
00:01:09,701 --> 00:01:12,341
What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I...?
26
00:01:12,341 --> 00:01:16,181
Oh, no, ta, Iain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.
27
00:01:16,181 --> 00:01:18,341
Why don't you tell me
what's happened?
28
00:01:18,341 --> 00:01:20,661
Well, it all started two days ago
29
00:01:20,661 --> 00:01:23,821
when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.
30
00:01:32,021 --> 00:01:33,981
Mandy.
31
00:01:33,981 --> 00:01:35,021
Donna.
32
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:40,181
I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.
33
00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:45,061
I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.
34
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,381
I'm putting together
the finest line-up
35
00:01:47,381 --> 00:01:49,181
since the Great Railway Robbery.
36
00:01:49,181 --> 00:01:52,661
Railway...? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.
37
00:01:52,661 --> 00:01:55,061
Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.
38
00:01:55,061 --> 00:01:57,501
If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.
39
00:01:57,501 --> 00:02:00,061
Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.
40
00:02:00,061 --> 00:02:01,661
And she's got a Volvo.
41
00:02:01,661 --> 00:02:05,141
Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.
42
00:02:05,141 --> 00:02:07,541
Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
43
00:02:07,541 --> 00:02:09,381
and got stuck at £300?
44
00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:11,021
She comes highly recommended.
45
00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:14,101
What do you want me for?
46
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,621
Surveillance.
47
00:02:15,621 --> 00:02:18,341
Someone to be our eyes and our ears.
48
00:02:18,341 --> 00:02:19,821
I told you, I'm retired.
49
00:02:19,821 --> 00:02:21,941
MOCKING: "I told you, I'm retired."
50
00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:23,901
Especially after what happened
on the last job.
51
00:02:23,901 --> 00:02:26,221
ALARM RINGS
Hello? You still there?
52
00:02:27,221 --> 00:02:30,301
Donna? Donna!
53
00:02:30,301 --> 00:02:32,741
You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.
54
00:02:32,741 --> 00:02:35,141
There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.
55
00:02:35,141 --> 00:02:36,741
THUMP!
I need this!
56
00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:38,821
I've been planning this
for too long.
57
00:02:38,821 --> 00:02:41,941
This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.
58
00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:44,461
Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?
59
00:02:46,141 --> 00:02:47,421
No. Yes!
60
00:02:47,421 --> 00:02:49,661
Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.
61
00:02:49,661 --> 00:02:51,221
Is that from a film?
62
00:02:51,221 --> 00:02:52,861
Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.
63
00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:57,701
Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?
64
00:02:59,141 --> 00:03:03,701
What? Have I done something
to upset you?
65
00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:06,101
No, no, course not, Donna.
66
00:03:07,861 --> 00:03:09,301
You're doing the job.
67
00:03:10,741 --> 00:03:11,781
That's the end of it.
68
00:03:13,021 --> 00:03:15,021
Now get me a taxi!
69
00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:17,941
She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, Iain.
70
00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:20,221
And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,
71
00:03:20,221 --> 00:03:24,261
but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.
72
00:03:24,261 --> 00:03:26,101
I had to break into an undertaker's
73
00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:29,021
so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.
74
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:43,901
SHE KNOCKS ON WALL
75
00:03:57,381 --> 00:03:59,581
Who do you think runs this country?
76
00:03:59,581 --> 00:04:02,421
Government. No.
77
00:04:02,421 --> 00:04:06,181
Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?
78
00:04:06,181 --> 00:04:09,381
No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.
79
00:04:09,381 --> 00:04:13,101
I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.
80
00:04:13,101 --> 00:04:15,741
Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.
81
00:04:15,741 --> 00:04:19,621
These are like lizard people,
people that have...
82
00:04:19,621 --> 00:04:21,501
..lizard-y traits.
83
00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:24,181
I've not really... I've not
really read too much about it.
84
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,621
It's mainly my own thinking.
85
00:04:27,581 --> 00:04:31,301
This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.
86
00:04:31,301 --> 00:04:34,021
DONNA: Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.
87
00:04:34,021 --> 00:04:36,621
Shit, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?
88
00:04:36,621 --> 00:04:38,541
Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.
89
00:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,381
Good girl. Danny Boy out.
90
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:44,021
GUARD: Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.
91
00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:45,421
Lizard? Yeah.
92
00:04:45,421 --> 00:04:48,461
A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.
93
00:04:48,461 --> 00:04:50,741
You know, she had Diana killed.
94
00:04:50,741 --> 00:04:54,621
MUSIC: Sway
by Dean Martin
95
00:05:03,621 --> 00:05:07,541
♪ When marimba rhythms
start to play
96
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:11,901
♪ Dance with me
Make me sway
97
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:15,541
♪ Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore
98
00:05:15,541 --> 00:05:19,741
♪ Hold me close
Sway me more
99
00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:23,341
♪ Like a flower bending
in the breeze
100
00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:27,861
♪ Bend with me
Sway with ease
101
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,301
♪ When we dance
You have a way with me
102
00:05:31,301 --> 00:05:35,901
♪ Stay with me
Sway with me
103
00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:39,941
♪ Other dancers may be on the floor
104
00:05:39,941 --> 00:05:43,741
♪ Dear, but my eyes will see
only you
105
00:05:43,741 --> 00:05:47,741
♪ Only you have a magic technique
106
00:05:47,741 --> 00:05:52,101
♪ When we sway I go weak
107
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:55,341
♪ I can hear the sound of violins
108
00:05:55,341 --> 00:06:00,061
♪ Long before it begins
109
00:06:00,061 --> 00:06:03,421
♪ Make me thrill
as only you know how
110
00:06:03,421 --> 00:06:08,301
♪ Sway me smooth
Sway me now... ♪
111
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,341
They're trying to keep it
from people like you,
112
00:06:10,341 --> 00:06:12,701
the little people, the sheeple.
113
00:06:18,301 --> 00:06:21,221
Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.
114
00:06:26,861 --> 00:06:29,381
SHE SNORES
115
00:06:29,381 --> 00:06:32,661
DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.
116
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:33,981
What is going on?
117
00:06:33,981 --> 00:06:36,061
GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about.
What's going on here?
118
00:06:36,061 --> 00:06:39,221
Broadsword, what is going on?
119
00:06:39,221 --> 00:06:41,901
Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!
ALARM BLARES
120
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,301
We've been had! Run, run!
121
00:06:44,301 --> 00:06:47,021
For fuck's sake! Mandy!
122
00:06:47,021 --> 00:06:49,101
You fell asleep in the coffin?
123
00:06:49,101 --> 00:06:52,301
Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.
124
00:06:52,301 --> 00:06:54,421
Right. So when did you wake up?
125
00:06:54,421 --> 00:06:57,661
Er, well, I woke up this morning.
126
00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:08,701
God, she's barely recognisable.
127
00:07:08,701 --> 00:07:11,581
Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.
128
00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:14,221
What's she wearing
a tool belt for?
129
00:07:14,221 --> 00:07:16,261
Oh, God, she looks terrible.
130
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:21,421
Oh, God.
131
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,821
RATTLING
132
00:07:29,821 --> 00:07:32,941
MUSIC: Crime Of The Century
by Supertramp
133
00:07:34,501 --> 00:07:36,221
PHONE BEEPS
134
00:07:50,181 --> 00:07:52,701
One, two, three, hup!
CREAKING
135
00:08:01,861 --> 00:08:03,261
THUD
136
00:08:04,461 --> 00:08:05,701
PHONE BEEPS
137
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:08,701
Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?
138
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:12,421
PHONE BEEPS
SIRI: I found this on the web.
139
00:08:12,421 --> 00:08:15,981
Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,
140
00:08:15,981 --> 00:08:18,301
you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.
141
00:08:18,301 --> 00:08:20,621
Today we're going to be talking
about what to do
142
00:08:20,621 --> 00:08:22,581
if you're trapped in a coffin.
143
00:08:22,581 --> 00:08:24,181
Help!
144
00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:26,941
I'm trapped in a coffin!
145
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:30,741
Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.
146
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:33,701
Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!
147
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:37,261
You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.
148
00:08:37,261 --> 00:08:39,381
TICKING, HE SCREAMS
149
00:08:39,381 --> 00:08:42,341
But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.
150
00:08:42,341 --> 00:08:44,341
CHURCH BELLS RESONATE
151
00:08:44,341 --> 00:08:47,661
To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.
152
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,621
Oo-mm!
153
00:08:49,621 --> 00:08:53,901
Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.
154
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,261
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
155
00:08:56,261 --> 00:08:59,861
Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.
156
00:08:59,861 --> 00:09:03,581
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
157
00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:05,141
SHE CHUCKLES
158
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,221
SHE LAUGHS
159
00:09:10,741 --> 00:09:13,501
SHE LAUGHS
160
00:09:15,941 --> 00:09:18,421
Stupid little shit.
161
00:09:18,421 --> 00:09:22,661
SHE LAUGHS
It's only a cucumber!
162
00:09:22,661 --> 00:09:25,381
SHE LAUGHS
163
00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:27,301
PHONE RINGS
164
00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:29,381
Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.
165
00:09:29,381 --> 00:09:31,701
Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.
166
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,781
Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?
167
00:09:34,781 --> 00:09:36,501
Great! Well, just to let you know,
168
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:39,061
our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee
169
00:09:39,061 --> 00:09:43,141
is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?
170
00:09:43,141 --> 00:09:45,541
Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.
171
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:48,181
Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?
172
00:09:48,181 --> 00:09:50,061
Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.
173
00:09:50,061 --> 00:09:52,581
It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
174
00:09:54,541 --> 00:09:56,821
Hello? Oh, sorry.
175
00:09:56,821 --> 00:09:59,261
For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.
176
00:09:59,261 --> 00:10:02,421
No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.
177
00:10:02,421 --> 00:10:05,421
OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?
178
00:10:05,421 --> 00:10:08,101
Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.
179
00:10:08,101 --> 00:10:11,901
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
180
00:10:14,101 --> 00:10:16,101
PHONE RINGS
181
00:10:18,381 --> 00:10:21,661
Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.
182
00:10:21,661 --> 00:10:23,501
Fitness fucking First?!
183
00:10:23,501 --> 00:10:26,381
I'm going to fucking kill you,
you bellend.
184
00:10:26,381 --> 00:10:28,181
Oh, hiya, Donna.
185
00:10:28,181 --> 00:10:29,741
I'm going to bury you alive.
186
00:10:29,741 --> 00:10:30,941
Funny you should say that.
187
00:10:30,941 --> 00:10:34,581
I'm in the nick and I get to make
one fucking phone call
188
00:10:34,581 --> 00:10:36,061
and I'm using it to tell you
189
00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:38,741
that I'm going to squash your
fucking skull like a watermelon,
190
00:10:38,741 --> 00:10:40,141
you cunt!
191
00:10:40,141 --> 00:10:43,821
Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,
192
00:10:43,821 --> 00:10:46,141
but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
193
00:10:46,141 --> 00:10:47,981
Don't give me excuses, you fuck.
194
00:10:49,221 --> 00:10:52,141
Um, I'm going into a tunnel.
195
00:10:52,141 --> 00:10:53,861
SHE IMITATES STATIC
196
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,781
Ah... Be... Oh... I...
197
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:06,421
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
198
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,581
PHONE VIBRATES
199
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,301
Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?
200
00:11:18,301 --> 00:11:20,741
Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.
201
00:11:20,741 --> 00:11:23,141
Listen, sorry to be a bother,
202
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:27,061
but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.
203
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,941
OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?
204
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:33,141
No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.
205
00:11:33,141 --> 00:11:38,581
Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.
206
00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:40,461
You've been a good friend to me.
207
00:11:40,461 --> 00:11:43,221
I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.
208
00:11:43,221 --> 00:11:46,221
All right. Fair enough.
All the best.
209
00:11:46,221 --> 00:11:49,061
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
210
00:11:54,141 --> 00:11:58,781
"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.
211
00:12:00,181 --> 00:12:05,061
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."
212
00:12:05,061 --> 00:12:07,061
MANDY COUGHS
And whosoever...
213
00:12:09,221 --> 00:12:11,181
"And whosoever liveth..."
COUGHING CONTINUES
214
00:12:11,181 --> 00:12:13,741
"..and believeth in me
shall never die."
215
00:12:15,261 --> 00:12:18,461
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.
216
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:20,061
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
217
00:12:20,061 --> 00:12:24,661
MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century
218
00:12:36,221 --> 00:12:37,621
MUSIC STOPS
219
00:12:37,621 --> 00:12:41,381
And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call Iain Lee."
220
00:12:41,381 --> 00:12:43,861
I've never called
a radio station before.
221
00:12:43,861 --> 00:12:45,701
Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,
222
00:12:45,701 --> 00:12:47,701
don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.
223
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,181
We can still send help. OK?
224
00:12:49,181 --> 00:12:50,661
No, you're all right, Iain.
225
00:12:50,661 --> 00:12:53,341
Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison
226
00:12:53,341 --> 00:12:56,341
and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a fucking watermelon.
227
00:12:56,341 --> 00:12:58,941
Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.
228
00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:02,461
Oh, shit. Sorry, Iain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.
229
00:13:02,461 --> 00:13:05,221
Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.
230
00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:08,501
Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,
231
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:10,861
it's that crime simply doesn't pay.
232
00:13:10,861 --> 00:13:13,101
Well, this one certainly didn't.
SHE LAUGHS
233
00:13:13,101 --> 00:13:15,381
Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?
234
00:13:15,381 --> 00:13:16,901
What can I do for you?
235
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:19,501
If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,
236
00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:21,141
that'd be nice. OK.
237
00:13:21,141 --> 00:13:23,101
Well, it's not really
a music radio station,
238
00:13:23,101 --> 00:13:25,821
but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.
239
00:13:25,821 --> 00:13:26,981
Thanks, Iain.
240
00:13:26,981 --> 00:13:29,141
Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.
241
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,181
Mandy, this is for you,
242
00:13:32,181 --> 00:13:33,501
from me.
243
00:13:33,501 --> 00:13:36,141
PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS, SHE SIGHS
244
00:13:39,821 --> 00:13:43,061
Bye, Iain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.
245
00:13:43,061 --> 00:13:45,901
Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.
246
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:48,381
I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.
247
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,581
I'm slipping, Iain.
I know you're slipping.
248
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:53,301
Are you still there?
I'm still here.
249
00:13:53,301 --> 00:13:57,141
Is that still you, Iain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.
250
00:13:57,141 --> 00:13:59,781
Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.
251
00:14:01,061 --> 00:14:04,181
I'm going now, Iain.
OK, go easy.
252
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,221
Oh, I'm still here. OK.
253
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:11,341
Gosh, this slip is, er...
It's a very slow one, isn't it?
254
00:14:16,541 --> 00:14:19,741
And... Bye, Iain.
..you're still there.
255
00:14:28,621 --> 00:14:30,821
And...
256
00:14:30,821 --> 00:14:33,141
..I think Mandy's gone.
257
00:14:33,141 --> 00:14:35,341
OK, well, we're coming up to the...
Iain!
258
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,501
There's a drill down here, I forgot!
259
00:14:38,781 --> 00:14:40,741
♪ Oh, Mandy
260
00:14:40,741 --> 00:14:45,701
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking
261
00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:49,861
♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
262
00:14:49,861 --> 00:14:54,861
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
263
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:59,381
♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
20281
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