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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:03,181
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,181 --> 00:00:07,141
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:11,541
♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
4
00:00:11,541 --> 00:00:16,541
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:16,541 --> 00:00:19,341
♪ And I need you today
6
00:00:19,341 --> 00:00:21,501
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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Hiya.
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00:00:36,941 --> 00:00:38,421
Is it Sergei?
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00:00:38,421 --> 00:00:40,581
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?
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00:00:42,101 --> 00:00:43,181
Come in.
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00:00:44,821 --> 00:00:46,381
Never done it before.
13
00:00:48,621 --> 00:00:51,181
A bit strapped for cash.
14
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,581
This is the living room.
15
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:57,341
Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.
16
00:00:59,181 --> 00:01:01,741
It deflates after a couple of hours,
but...
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00:01:01,741 --> 00:01:03,461
AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR
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00:01:03,461 --> 00:01:05,901
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.
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00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:15,261
Show you the lav.
20
00:01:19,741 --> 00:01:20,981
This is the lav.
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00:01:26,741 --> 00:01:28,421
This will be your room.
22
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It does not look like photo
on Airbnb.
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I put a filter on it.
24
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Never mind, I will take room.
It is very convenient.
25
00:01:42,941 --> 00:01:44,821
Right. Do you want me
to get your bags?
26
00:01:44,821 --> 00:01:46,221
No!
27
00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:47,741
Do not touch bags.
28
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:51,341
In fact, better you do not touch
any of my things while I'm here.
29
00:01:52,581 --> 00:01:53,621
Suit yourself.
30
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,661
So, are you here
on your holidays, then?
31
00:01:57,661 --> 00:01:59,861
Er, yes. Holidays.
32
00:01:59,861 --> 00:02:02,221
I could show you around,
if you like.
33
00:02:02,221 --> 00:02:03,741
Whereabouts did you want to go?
34
00:02:03,741 --> 00:02:05,221
Salisbury.
35
00:02:05,221 --> 00:02:08,501
Did you know clock tower
is over 200 years old?
36
00:02:08,501 --> 00:02:09,901
No, I didn't know that, no.
37
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:13,501
I would also like to visit GCHQ.
Ooh!
38
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Never been to GCHQ.
39
00:02:15,421 --> 00:02:16,981
I've heard it's lovely.
40
00:02:20,301 --> 00:02:21,661
Can I come with you?
41
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I've got a two-for-one railcard.
42
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UPTEMPO MUSIC
43
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RADIO: Police are investigating
a series of suspicious deaths
44
00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,181
in London yesterday with bodies...
45
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TURNS OFF
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Sergei.
47
00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:55,901
Sergei?
48
00:02:57,421 --> 00:02:59,901
I've got something
I'd like to say to you.
49
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:03,821
Yes, please. There is something
I'd like to say to you also.
50
00:03:03,821 --> 00:03:06,501
You go first. No, you go first!
51
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:09,381
After three,
we'll both say it together.
52
00:03:09,381 --> 00:03:11,901
One, two, three.
53
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,261
I think I'm in love with you.
I wish to marry you.
54
00:03:16,661 --> 00:03:20,541
Oh, Sergei!
Let's not rush into things.
55
00:03:20,541 --> 00:03:23,821
Let's just get to know each other
first. Yes, please.
56
00:03:23,821 --> 00:03:28,341
I long to know everything about you
and your decadent culture.
57
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:31,781
Well, my favourite programme's
Bargain Hunters.
58
00:03:31,781 --> 00:03:35,141
I do not know this programme.
You don't know Bargain Hunters?!
59
00:03:35,141 --> 00:03:38,221
It's only what Raiders Of The
Lost Ark could've been.
60
00:03:38,221 --> 00:03:41,661
Well, tell me about you, Sergei.
What you like, what you dislike.
61
00:03:42,781 --> 00:03:44,061
I like strong leaders
62
00:03:44,061 --> 00:03:47,461
and the resurgence of Russia
on the world stage.
63
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:52,021
I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.
64
00:03:52,021 --> 00:03:53,061
Eggs?
65
00:03:54,141 --> 00:03:56,021
Well, these were a waste of time.
66
00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,941
Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.
67
00:04:00,141 --> 00:04:02,101
Oh, Sergei!
68
00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:06,381
I like you. You're dead fit
and you've got a lovely tracksuit,
69
00:04:06,381 --> 00:04:07,981
but it will never work out.
70
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:10,261
We're from different worlds,
you and I.
71
00:04:10,261 --> 00:04:12,181
Please, Mandy. I love you.
72
00:04:12,181 --> 00:04:13,781
I know you so well.
73
00:04:13,781 --> 00:04:16,901
I know your favourite programme
is Bargain Hunters.
74
00:04:16,901 --> 00:04:19,301
Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.
75
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,501
Your favourite fingernail colour,
minty pig.
76
00:04:22,501 --> 00:04:24,021
You believe in UFOs,
77
00:04:24,021 --> 00:04:27,541
and one day you aspire
to breed Doberman Pinschers.
78
00:04:27,541 --> 00:04:29,581
Oh, Sergei,
79
00:04:29,581 --> 00:04:31,701
you do know the real me!
80
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:35,581
Oh! I've had a lovely time
these last few days.
81
00:04:35,581 --> 00:04:37,941
Go on. I will. I will marry you.
82
00:04:41,701 --> 00:04:43,981
Say something in your own language.
83
00:04:43,981 --> 00:04:46,821
I won't understand, but I'd just
like to hear it.
84
00:04:46,821 --> 00:04:48,541
IN RUSSIAN:
85
00:05:24,941 --> 00:05:26,701
Such a beautiful language.
86
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:30,461
Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, marrying this man?
87
00:05:30,461 --> 00:05:33,021
You've only just met him!
I'm telling you, Lola,
88
00:05:33,021 --> 00:05:34,261
he's the one for me.
89
00:05:34,261 --> 00:05:37,581
He knows me so well. It's like he's
read a file on me or something!
90
00:05:37,581 --> 00:05:40,541
Look at that dress. It's perfect.
91
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,021
It's beautiful.
92
00:05:42,021 --> 00:05:45,741
But a dress like this will cost
hundreds of pounds.
93
00:05:45,741 --> 00:05:47,501
Can you lend me the money?
94
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:48,821
I'll give it you back.
95
00:05:48,821 --> 00:05:51,621
I'll just leave the tag in
and take it back after the wedding.
96
00:05:58,061 --> 00:05:59,661
It's beautiful!
97
00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:04,301
You look like the
Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.
98
00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:07,421
I want the wedding to be artistic
but accessible.
99
00:06:07,421 --> 00:06:09,461
You know,
like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
100
00:06:11,141 --> 00:06:13,901
I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
101
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:16,421
That's Shaun Ryder
from Happy Mondays.
102
00:06:16,421 --> 00:06:17,621
Yeah, it is.
103
00:06:17,621 --> 00:06:19,701
It says, "I am married to
Shaun Ryder."
104
00:06:21,061 --> 00:06:22,901
Yeah, I am.
105
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:25,061
A tattoo that says,
"I am married to Shaun Ryder"
106
00:06:25,061 --> 00:06:27,501
could be a problem
when you marry Sergei.
107
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,421
This is my big special day, Lola.
I want this dress!
108
00:06:33,581 --> 00:06:36,381
Why did you never tell me
you were married to Shaun Ryder?
109
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,861
It were 1998.
110
00:06:39,861 --> 00:06:41,821
MUSIC: Step On
by Happy Mondays
111
00:06:43,381 --> 00:06:45,661
♪ You're twisting my melon, man... ♪
112
00:06:45,661 --> 00:06:49,421
Chinese Airlines flight 676
had crashed,
113
00:06:49,421 --> 00:06:52,301
killing all 342 people onboard.
114
00:06:53,821 --> 00:06:55,941
Pete Sampras had just won
the tennis.
115
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:59,021
COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it!
Pete Sampras has done it.
He's won the tennis.
116
00:06:59,021 --> 00:07:02,821
And Black Grape
were just coming to an end.
117
00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:06,621
There were three of us in this
marriage, so it were a bit crowded.
118
00:07:06,621 --> 00:07:10,181
So, one night, I snuck into his
hotel room, found him in bed.
119
00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:12,261
Threw back the sheets.
120
00:07:12,261 --> 00:07:14,021
I knew Bez had been there.
121
00:07:15,341 --> 00:07:16,781
I'd simply had enough.
122
00:07:16,781 --> 00:07:19,781
He loved that man more than
he loved me, so I walked away.
123
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,901
But he never got over me.
124
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:26,701
How could he, once he'd had
a slice of this cake?
125
00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:31,101
Anyway, I can't afford this laser
tattoo removal.
126
00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:33,861
Oh, your story has touched my heart.
127
00:07:33,861 --> 00:07:35,421
I will do it for you.
128
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:39,381
Oh, will you, Lola?
That's so kind of you. For £30.
129
00:07:41,501 --> 00:07:44,381
I don't have one of these
laser tings, unfortunately.
130
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:47,301
It's OK, I will use this instead.
131
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:50,901
Will it hurt? I don't think so.
132
00:07:50,901 --> 00:07:53,181
But you may need
to bite down on this.
133
00:07:55,821 --> 00:07:57,781
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
134
00:07:59,821 --> 00:08:02,621
May the Lord guide my hand.
135
00:08:08,981 --> 00:08:10,621
MUFFLED SCREAMING
136
00:08:13,061 --> 00:08:14,621
Jesus Christ!
137
00:08:15,821 --> 00:08:17,781
INDISTINCT
138
00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:19,181
What did you say, darling?
139
00:08:19,181 --> 00:08:22,941
INDISTINCT
140
00:08:22,941 --> 00:08:25,181
I said it smells like pork.
141
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:32,581
Thanks again, Lola.
142
00:08:33,621 --> 00:08:34,901
How does it look?
143
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:38,461
I'll get you some Germolene.
144
00:08:45,381 --> 00:08:47,781
MUSIC: Suddenly
by Angry Anderson
145
00:08:59,341 --> 00:09:04,061
♪ I only dreamed that I would find
146
00:09:06,861 --> 00:09:11,701
♪ A loving heart, an open mind
147
00:09:12,981 --> 00:09:15,781
♪ To see the real me
148
00:09:15,781 --> 00:09:21,301
♪ And I hoped that you would be
the one
149
00:09:27,421 --> 00:09:31,421
♪ A chance to talk, a chance to grow
150
00:09:33,861 --> 00:09:40,341
♪ I'll take the risk,
let my feelings flow
151
00:09:40,341 --> 00:09:46,741
♪ I've found the words
I need to say... ♪
152
00:09:48,661 --> 00:09:53,541
If any person present knows
any lawful impediment
153
00:09:53,541 --> 00:09:57,901
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
154
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,461
Stop!
155
00:09:59,461 --> 00:10:02,581
In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!
156
00:10:02,581 --> 00:10:05,261
Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun.
Who is this man?
157
00:10:05,261 --> 00:10:08,621
Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays
and Celebrity Gogglebox.
158
00:10:08,621 --> 00:10:10,821
We're still married! Prove it.
159
00:10:10,821 --> 00:10:13,701
You want proof? Here's proof.
160
00:10:17,421 --> 00:10:19,101
Show 'em your back, Mandy,
161
00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:21,461
the matching tattoo you had
done of me. Show 'em.
162
00:10:22,821 --> 00:10:24,901
GASPING
Oh, God!
163
00:10:29,581 --> 00:10:31,741
Can we please get on with wedding?
164
00:10:31,741 --> 00:10:33,301
If any person present...
165
00:10:33,301 --> 00:10:34,541
DOOR OPENS
166
00:10:34,541 --> 00:10:37,381
Armed police! Armed police!
Sergei Molotov, get down!
167
00:10:37,381 --> 00:10:39,421
Get down on the ground!
168
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,861
Drop it, or I'll shoot!
169
00:10:41,861 --> 00:10:44,101
Ha! You won't shoot me.
170
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,061
You English with your rules,
171
00:10:46,061 --> 00:10:49,861
with your Oxford-Cambridge,
and your boat race,
172
00:10:49,861 --> 00:10:53,461
and your PG Tips
and your Fry and Laurie.
173
00:10:53,461 --> 00:10:55,061
I'm Shaun Ryder.
174
00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:58,901
So long as there's breath in my
body, evil will not prevail.
175
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:29,941
Let's wrap this up.
176
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:32,341
I have a civil partnership at 4:45.
177
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:36,181
Civil partnership?!
178
00:11:36,181 --> 00:11:37,781
Oh, how liberal!
179
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,461
I've got a clear shot.
180
00:11:43,341 --> 00:11:44,821
I'm taking the shot.
181
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:03,261
INAUDIBLE
182
00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:07,101
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
183
00:13:07,101 --> 00:13:09,501
I'm never going to get my money
back on the dress now.
184
00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:11,781
For God's sake, call an ambulance!
185
00:13:13,621 --> 00:13:15,261
And the dry cleaners!
186
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:20,181
Your back scab was thick enough
to stop the bullet?
187
00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:21,821
It's my lucky back scab, Lola.
188
00:13:21,821 --> 00:13:24,261
I'm going to keep it forever
and use it as an ashtray.
189
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:26,981
I cannot believe Sergei
was working for Putin.
190
00:13:26,981 --> 00:13:31,261
Well, in hindsight,
he was a bit shifty.
191
00:13:31,261 --> 00:13:34,341
Then why did you take a bullet
for him?
192
00:13:34,341 --> 00:13:36,181
What can I say?
193
00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:37,741
I love a bastard.
194
00:13:39,581 --> 00:13:42,701
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